04x03 - Nostalgia Patrol

[bunniefuu]

I'm telling
you, Chief Kincaid,

the Port Charlotte
Ripper is back.

That's
impossible, Dr. Winslow.

The Port Charlotte Ripper
was ex*cuted last summer.

- Unless...
- You arrested the wrong man.

Damn it!

How dare they?

How could
I have missed this?

They chose a total stranger
over me to lead them.

Over me!

Well. Their f*cking loss.

Mmm.

Let them choke on it.

And I don't care that you ran off
and married that Japanese sex robot.

I've never stopped loving you.

Kincaid, please...

Ugh! You call that
a performance?

Your love is about to put
himself in grave danger.

- We mustn't...
- There is no life behind those eyes.

Door.

Door.

There's
something you should know.

My name isn't Talia.

- sh*t.
- I'm not a doctor.

I'm the Russian Grand Duchess.

Hello.

Hello?

I really don't need
any shenanigans today.

"Rita Farr retrospective.
At the Cloverton Art House."

At least, someone
appreciates me!

Find a new purpose.

How?

What does that even mean?

sh*t!

Are you f*cking kidding me?

f*cking hate puzzles.

Shelly?

Whoa.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

What's up, bro!

Wow, Vic.

- So, where's the tech?
- I'm back in the flesh.

What's up, C?

Cyborg was a badass, man.

What gives?

I made a change.
Works better for me.

I'm still the same,
just without the tech.

I'm more comfortable
in this skin.

That's quite a change.

Come on. I'm still the
same old Vic you guys know.

Uh, is that synthetic skin?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I read about that.

Wait, do you still
have your powers?

Uh...

Not really. It's
sort of complicated.

Stealth, but keeps 'em guessing.

Hey.

I mean, I wish I could move
through the world like that, man.

Well, we definitely don't
all have that luxury.

Yo, remember these guys?

I remember Marcus'
high-water pants.

Okay, those pants won
us the championship.

- Aye, the Detroiticons.
- Couldn't touch us.

- Forever undefeated.
- Oh. Hey, remember this?

Da-da-da-na.

What!

Our pride and joy.

Worked our asses off on this.

Hmm. Mister Indestructible.

Clown, why are you still
trying to change his name?

- You were out-voted.
- Consensus ruled.

- Man, Mister Invincible.
- Everything we wanted to be.

- Bulletproof.
- Yes.

You know, I remember how hard it
was for me to connect those arms.

I mean, the material to make him
bulletproof was so hard to weld.

I designed that head by drawing
on sister's big forehead.

Yo, the robotics club was
in awe of Mister Invincible.

Nah, man, they
were in awe of us.

Yo, Derek and I stayed
up until 3:00 a.m.

inscribing the
Detroiticons insignia.

- Yo, it's still there, man.
- What?

Yo. Best thing I ever did.

It's the first time I ever
accomplished something.

Gave me this fever to just
keep accomplishing sh*t.

Hmm...

I just got to say one time, like, it feels
so good to be with you fellows again.

- Come on.
- Ah!

Booyah!

No more taunting me, Keeg!

In fact, you know what?

No more games.

I'm ignoring you.

You hear that?

I am.

Oh, God.

Oh! I bet you think
I'm off my rocker.

Yeah, well...

You know, maybe,
maybe you were right.

I should have b*rned the little
brat when I had the chance.

Oh, did I say that?

I'm sorry. I didn't...
I'm at my wits' end with this kid.

Okay? He's hiding in the walls.

Okay, Larry, if I may...

You might want to consider
that Keeg is just gone.

I mean, he did leave
you in the future,

so, you know, chances
are he's gone for good.

Is that the
summation of my life?

Am I just meant to be alone?

No. Try and find new meaning.

New purpose. I mean, do you
have any powers without Keeg?

Yes.

No.

It's complicated.

Ah, okay, well, let's
look on the bright side.

You can enjoy the
peace and quiet.

That's what I'm doing.

You know, I looked at my past,

and I decided to
leave it behind.

Start afresh. Quiet the demons
of the past, sort of saying.

You should... you
should try it.

Oh. Okay, I see. Now that
you've been voted team leader,

you're going to have
emotional wellness check-ins.

Well, I'm not going
to feast on regret,

but what I can do now is
become a better leader.

- Like, if I may...
- You may.

Before you go giving out advice,

maybe you should make amends with
the person you hurt the most.

It appears my fans are
running late.

Ooh, Secret Rendezvous.

Secret Rendezvous.

Starring Kyla Wright,

Charles Auego and introducing Rita Farr.

It was my big break.

In this
stately Boston mansion,

the wedding of the year
is about to commence.

I smell cotton candy.

Man...

Graham, the manager is
still giving us the hook up.

Yeah, we're loyal customers.

I mean, the three of us been
coming here every week, for years.

Yeah, five for four.

I mean, I could
down one pie easily.

Tell my mother I had all
my vegetables for the week.

Oh, Vic.

My apologies, man.

- I didn't.
- Oh, no, it's cool to talk about my mom.

Her funeral was a
super tough day.

And thank you guys
for being pallbearers.

You knew?

Yeah. I mean, of course.
I was still recovering,

but my dad told me...

Too bad you couldn't
say goodbye.

She was the best.

Yeah.

That's fine.

I got to see her
in the afterlife.

Afterlife? You mean,
like, your dreams?

No, I mean, like, where
you go after you die.

Look. See, me and the
Doom Patrol, we all d*ed.

Well, half d*ed.

Then a couple of ghosts
saved us, and we survived.

It's not the easiest
thing for me to explain.

He's a superhero, dude.

Like, they crush time and
all kinds of boundaries.

No, no, no. Was a superhero.

Was she happy?

She was living her best life.

Okay, then what's
it like up there?

Pretty cool.

You get to focus on all the
things that you didn't get to do.

So, Calvin, you'll finally
get a chance to open up

that barber shop you
keep going on about.

You just got to die first, huh?

Funny. Funny.

Look, you've always
had crazy strength, Vic.

But Cyborg, that's next level.

- What do you do with all that power?
- Well, we stop bad guys.

There was this one kid, I
gave him a second chance.

I gave him the opportunity to make
different choices with his life.

Okay.

We stopped the testicle monster.

It was crazy. This thing
was screwing up shipping lanes.

People couldn't get things like wood
that they needed for their homes.

Right! For that new house I'm
building on the lake, right?

That new house you'll
be building in heaven.

Vic this, Vic that,

I mean, all we've been
talking about is Vic.

But Vic, you haven't even asked
about your best friend, Derek.

I mean, he did what
we promised to do.

Change the world starting
locally, in Detroit.

Yeah, man, that's awesome.

Yo,
D, tell me about it.

I started a robotics
club in Detroit.

I teach kids how
to build robots.

Nah, he's being modest, man.

These kids love it.

The stuff they
build is next level.

Mmm-hmm. I wanna
be a part of that.

Bring back the old robotics
dream team.

How do I volunteer?

These guys volunteer, you
know, they help me out.

I can count on them.

So, I'm good.

The laser tag
championship is underway.

The reigning champs,

Your Worst Nightmare,
defeated the last opponent.

Making them undefeated,
and unstoppable.

Any others in here brave
enough to take on the champs?

They look how we
looked back in the day.

Yo, let's take our title back.

Oh, we haven't played since
you left, Vic. We're rusty.

Hey, loosen up your turtleneck,
man. Let's have some fun.

Yo, it's laser tag.

Come on, man. We own that game.

We got this.

Let's get it!

There it is.

Mmm.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Polly, what are
you going on about?

- I know you.
- Yes, Yes.

I am the evil mother forcing her
incorrigible daughter to marry

only the third wealthiest
man in America.

Too late now. You're doomed
to be rich and famous.

And why are you
just sitting there?

Really, dear, the
wedding's tomorrow.

There's so much to do.

Good heavens, I'm in
Secret Rendezvous.

And there
she goes again.

Come on. No more
lollygagging, you.

I've laid out your
beautiful dress upstairs.

No. You don't understand.

I'm not supposed to be here.

Your pretty little
head is a tad confused.

Darling, I am not
supposed to be here.

It's bad luck to see
you before the wedding.

But I couldn't stay away.

Alistair Kincaid.

My God, you were good looking,
weren't you?

Ah, but before you
say another word...

Uh-uh.

A jewel for my jewel.

Alistair...

Damn it. Alistair...

Well...

You shouldn't have.

Can you see it, darling?

The biggest wedding
of the decade.

Your face on all the front pages

of all the broadsheets
in all the world.

Everyone knows your name.

Everyone loves you.

And that Princess of
Monaco will eat her hat.

Alistair Kincaid, you
are a troublemaker.

No, I can see it.

Or... I do see it.

I mean, why not?

Why not me?

Do I not deserve to be loved?

That's the spirit, my darling.

What's up with you?

Are you glowing?

- No.
- Something's different.

- New haircut?
- What? God!

No, shut up.

Okay, look, I'm going
to tell you something,

but you can't make a big deal about
it because it's not a big deal.

I'm listening.

Okay. Do you remember
when we were in Cloverton

and Flex did that...

thing and we all felt...

If you're talking
about the orgasm thing,

I don't want to talk about it.

Why?

Because, Jane, maybe I don't want
to talk about orgasms, or feelings

or touching little butts
that go pop in your hand.

Okay. What's up with you?

Okay, look, let's just
agree that we're all going through

a little something.

Maybe what we need is to
sit here in peace and quiet.

Hmm.

Of course, why
not? Bring it on.

Team meeting!

Why? We b*at the Butts.

Yeah, we're
good, De Mille.

Whatever you're trying to
do, make it a solo mission.

Except this is a
new kind of mission

which focuses on team
building, togetherness.

So, the mantra moving
forward will be...

T-R-U-S-T. Trust.

Oh, f*ck me. I'm back
on Underground Avenue.

You might not know this,
but we trust each other.

Or did.

We just don't trust you.

And besides, we chose
you to be a hard ass.

What's with this
softer, wimpy sh*t?

Correct. You chose me,
and I have devised a plan.

So here it is, our first
trust building exercise

will be to support Rita at
her movie retrospective.

What movie
retrospective?

"The Cloverton Art House."

Cloverton is a town
full of dimwits.

Do they even have an art
house? This seems fake.

Nope, nope.

The Clovertonians detest us.

Especially Rita.
Doesn't add up.

All the more reason for us
to show Rita our support.

And why didn't she tell us?

Maybe because she was hurt when
we didn't choose her as team leader.

Trying to heal that, but I...

need your help.

Hey, yeah.
Sorry, folks,

I won't be joining you.

I don't have the strength.

I'm still trying to
wrangle my wayward kid.

Seriously, are you gonna stay
here and wait for your f*cked up,

manipulative kid who abandoned

your self-flagellating ass?

Or are you going to support
your best friend, Rita?

- f*ck, yeah! Rita!
- Rita!

- Rita.
- Rita, Rita, Rita.

Rita, Rita.

Where is she?

Shh. This is
Secret Rendezvous.

What's this?

A twist? Just before
young Polly's wedding day.

Okay, that's Oliver Truman.

Polly's true secret love.

The dashing Oliver
Truman sneaking into my window. But why?

Could it be he's my
true secret love?

- Here to rescue me...
- Thank you.

From a lifetime of
endless wealth and ennui.

Has he come to spirit
me away into the night?

Why, um, yes.

Something like that.

Huh?

Something like what?

What? Oh, yes, yes.

Hey, what gives?

We were having an affair
during this movie.

You kissed me with
reckless abandon.

Are you saving it for our
secret rendezvous at the gazebo,

where you finally steal me away?

Sure, the secret
rendezvous in the gazebo.

Try it again.

But this time, convince me.

Oh, for the love of God, just
get through the g*dd*mn scene!

Haven't seen my family in years.

My kids are growing
up without me.

Why does this movie suck balls?

- That's not the dialogue.
- That's not the dialogue.

Please, just
do what she wants.

I am begging you.

We're all begging you.

Oliver?

- What the f*ck!
- Oliver?

Hold on.

I think Rita might
be in this movie.

No, sh*t!

No, I mean, in the movie.

What the hell is going on here?

No sh*t.

Hmm. I smell...

coconut cream pie.

Does anyone
smell Nutella?

Oh, for f*ck sake!

Hello?

Hello... hello!

Oh! This is not a gazebo.

Oh... f*ck!

This isn't Secret Rendezvous.

This is The Haunting
of White Manor.

I don't know what the
hell is going on here,

or who thinks this is funny.

But this movie gave me
nightmares, and I am not amused.

f*ck.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

Oh, my God.

Am I in Rita's movie?

I know this gazebo.

I'm in Secret Rendezvous.

You know, in happier times, this
would have been a fantasy come true.

But now...

Rita? Rita? Rita?

Who are you?

I'm Oliver Truman.

Polly's true love,
her newspaper man.

- And you're not Polly.
- And you're not Oliver, pal.

I'm Rita's best friend.

At least I was.

And I'm here to get
her out of this.

So let's try this again.

Who the hell are you?

How does it feel to walk around in
the world bandaged up like that?

How do you think it feels?
Exactly how it looks.

Your life must be
devoid of sensuality.

Yeah, well, everyone's life
is devoid of something.

More importantly, if I don't wear
these bandages, everyone will die.

How do you have human contact?

I don't.

I used to.

- I have memories.
- And memories are enough to satisfy you?

It's not like I have
a choice in this.

Okay?

Well, how do you
know that you don't?

I'm the man in many elements.

What if I were to
tell you you're right?

I am not a newspaper man.

I'm just an innocent soul
trapped in here, too.

By who?

A strange creature, really.

She calls herself Dr. Janus.

Our order is to get your friend
to emote as much as possible.

But what does that even mean?

She's an actress.

She wakes up emoting.
How do I save her?

It's hard to say.

Dr. Janus is sending your friend
through her movie retrospective

until she gets what she wants.

She controls everything
about this place.

Then again, I know a thing or
two about this place as well.

I've been trapped
here long enough.

Maybe the two of
us can find a way.

The two of us? Me and you?

Sure, lead the way.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

f*cking hell!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck...

f*ck.

Think, Rouge.
Think, think, think...

Where's that f*cking flier?

"Rita Farr retrospective.

A star from the golden
age of Hollywood."

Hmm, questionable.

"Playing at the Cloverton Art
House. Dr. Janus Productions."

Hmm, Dr. Janus.

Dr. Janus?

Dr. Janus.

No, no, no, no...

Well... Hello.

Dr. Janus.

Emotional
vampire." f*ck.

Fragile
ego, lacks empathy."

Oh, that's the same
for most of us.

Creates artificial
realities, hallucinations."

Oh, sh*t.

"How to combat?"

"How to combat?"

Are you f*cking kidding me?

That's it?

That's... that's
all you've got?

Niles Caulder? You selfish,
sex-deprived, son of a prick.

You have left out the most
important piece of information.

How am I supposed
to defeat her now?

You f*cking assh*le!

Hello?

Hello.

Where the f*ck are we?

What the f*ck!

Are we in one of Rita's movies?

I don't f*cking know.

Never saw one.

Every time I try to
watch one of her movies,

Top g*n comes on.
Saturday matinee.

Yeah, same. You can't
not watch Top g*n.

Hell yeah, Goose.

Hell yeah, Maverick.

Is this supposed to
be a horror movie?

'Cause... not scary.

Still not scary.

f*ck!

Shh.

- You go out.
- f*ck that. You go out.

You're made out
of f*cking metal.

- We're badasses.
- Yeah.

We f*cking destroyed
the testicle monster.

It's just a f*cking kid.

That's not just some kid.

That's a creepy kid.

Is anyone ever not
scared of a creepy kid?

True.

Three, two, one.

Game on.

Where you at?

Here we go, here we go.

Marcus, left!

Duck.

- Booyah!
- He's down, he's down.

Yes.

Go. I got your back.

Yeah, that's what you
always said, but you left.

Wait, what?

I didn't leave, I was grieving.

Yeah, we were grieving too.

But you weren't with us.

The more we reached out,
the more you backed away.

Why do you think I'm back
here now in my skin again?

That's a good question.

You tell me.

Why are you back?

Yo, I had to mourn my mom
and figure out who I was.

And now I'm reconnecting with
who I was before the accident.

Connecting with people that
were most important to me.

We tried to be there
for you back then.

We couldn't find you.

So you just stopped trying?

Were we supposed to
just chase you down?

We don't have superpowers, Vic.

I was your best friend. You
didn't even try to find me.

No. Let me remind you
that I found you guys now,

and I'm trying to make
up for the time we lost.

Except you can't.

Too much time has
already passed.

We're not the same
people we once were.

We have been shaped
by life in Detroit.

There's been a lot of beauty,

but also a lot of sh*t
that we had to face.

Made us the men
that we are today.

- You missed all of that.
- Yo, I didn't ask to be Cyborg.

But I did ask to be put back in the
body that's closest to the body...

Vic, are you hearing me?

You were Mr. Invincible for all
the years that we were vulnerable.

Even now, your skin
is impenetrable.

Mine is not.

I lost my best friend.

What you don't understand is
that we live different lives.

I lost my best friend, too.

But I'm here now.

Why can't that be enough?

Game over.

I'm sorry for
blowing you off earlier.

We can totally talk about
orgasms if you want to.

You remember the
fog, right? Shelly?

Sisterhood of Dada.

Yeah, I hate those fucks.

Very nice.

Yeah, well... I saw her
eye... in a puzzle piece.

Then this mist came
out of the puzzle.

- For real?
- I don't know. Felt real.

Felt really real.

Oh, sh*t. The mist seduced you?

- Is that weird?
- Why?

Because you blew a boner?

- You set one free?
- Uh...

No, I tell ya, of all the
feelings in the world,

I miss that the most.

Nothing in life compares.

If there's a Hall of
Fame for feelings,

that's numero uno.

Top of the charts. Undefeated. The
be all and end all of feelings.

Cleanup, Phyllis, because
the fat lady has sung.

Okay. A, you're disgusting.

And B, it was...

tender... gentle.

In my entire life, no one or nothing
has ever touched me like that.

So what's the problem? It
sounds like you liked it.

It's not about
whether I liked it.

I have to think about
what's best for Kay.

f*ck it. Forget about Kay.

How do you feel?

I can't forget about
Kay. That's the point.

Hey, guys.

Meet my new friend, not Oliver.

He can take us to Rita.

f*ck!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

f*ck.

Did I frighten you, Mary Ann?

It's time for you to
read me a bedtime story.

Look, you...

I know this is all bullshit.

I know you played
the creepy kid.

But I also know your
real name is Orville.

And you were still pooping your pants
during the making of this movie,

which, trust me,
creeped everybody out.

Somehow, I got
trapped in my movies

which made me feel
good for a while,

but it doesn't anymore,
and I want out.

Just do what she says or
you're gonna make things worse.

Who is she? Because trust me,
kid, things can't get much worse.

Not for you, for your friends.

Wait.

What are you talking about?

Oh, well, damn it.

There is no way to save them.

I've sent them to their deaths.

And the mission
was trust.

I can't even trust myself.

I mean,

why did anyone think
that I was worthy

of being a leader?

Navel-gazing bastards.

Were any of you
paying attention?

Have you not seen my track
record, people? f*cking hell.

All right, let's count them off.

All right?

One, half-ass victory
against the Butts.

Two, Cliff feeling
the pain of v*olence.

Number three, f*cked over Rita.

Number four,

I had Malcolm k*lled, which
again f*cked over Rita.

Right? Mmm.

Number five...

I stamped innocent people...

as weapons.

Why?

And now, I want to
be good.

Well, maybe I'm not good.

Maybe I'm, maybe I'm just bad because
everything I ever touch turns to shite.

Okay. So, when the
Doom Patrol return.

If, if... the Doom Patrol
returns from wherever

this f*cking hell is
that I have sent them to.

I'm... I'm going to
correct everything.

Okay? Do you hear me?

I'm going to correct everything.

And I will give Rita who was
a... a dear, dear friend...

Do you know what I mean?

Or whatever, toast to Rita.

I'm going to give her the
position that she deserves.

Team leader, right?

She deserves to lead that bunch
of misfit vagabonds, not me.

Definitely not f*cking me.

Not me.

Well, I am going to
need a bigger bottle.

That's the plan.

Whoa.

Rita!

My friends.

You're here to save me.

Were you in Star Trek?

You never told us you
were in Star Trek.

We're in Spartacus 452.

Rita's first sci-fi movie that, incidentally,
was also her first box office failure.

But that's neither
here, nor there.

Thank you, Larry.

Now, listen to me.

I appreciate you all coming,
but you are in danger.

This is a trap.

- We know.
- You do?

We have to save
you from Dr. Janus.

She's an evil being that has everyone
trapped in your movie retrospective.

Even my new friend.

- I'm sorry. I never got your real name.
- Oh.

Call me Mr. One-Oh-Four.

The periodic table?

Seriously?

The point is, I think this Dr. Janus
wants to collect your emotional juice

and that necklace or
something like that.

Oh. Well, she's not
going to get it in this movie.

I took this role for the money.

And perhaps we need
to up the stakes then.

- What the hell?
- What the f*ck?

What did you just do?

Me? Nothing.

I'm a man of many elements,
but this was all her.

Allow me to introduce
you to Dr. Janus.

f*ck!

But that was all me.

What are you doing? They'll
burn alive out there.

I know. Isn't it a pity?

That's your friend?

Maybe you should be by yourself.

Your choices are f*cked.

Shut up, Cliff.

We can get ourselves
out of this.

So call, uh, Flit or Hammerhead
or some f*cking body.

Um...

What the f*ck?

I can't.

Nothing's happening.

Break open the bars.

Let's do this.

What the f*ck?

f*ck, we're powerless.

Now you're getting it.

Why are you doing this?

What did I ever do to you?

You have something that was
never yours in the first place.

Something that was stolen
from someone very special.

And we intend to get it back.

What do I have?

My emotions?

Is that what you want?

So what?

I impassively watch my
friends burn to death

or I attempt the impossible?

I try to save them and
you get what you want?

f*ck you! f*ck that.

All of my life, I have
felt like a fraud.

All of my life, I have been the
imposter masquerading as Rita Farr.

But, one day, you
crazy bunch of misfits

who are just like me,
came into my life.

I say f*ck Niles Caulder for
most things but... not this.

He gave me you.

My family.

I know you don't think
we deserve anything good.

But one thing I know we do deserve is
the love that we have for each other.

Well, had, before the
Butts screwed us up,

and then that weird
testicle monster thing.

But the point is...
you accept me.

The real me, whether
I blob or triumph,

you were always the
place that I returned to.

You were my home.

Okay, this is really beautiful,

but if she doesn't hurry the
f*ck up, we're gonna fry.

I've earned this family

and I will be damned if I
let some D-movie villain

harm you or take
you away from me.

And, even though you people, who I
love more than anything in the world,

chose someone else
over me to lead you,

a perfect stranger, I might add.

I would die if anything
happened to you.

I'm going
to save you. Mmm-hmm.

Or we will die together because I'm
not going to live my life without you.

Bravo.

Immortus will rise.

Wait, you!

What did you say?

Hey, that's it?

You get what you want and you
still leave us here to burn?

Holy sh*t, we're doomed.

At least you got to have a
f*cking orgasm before you die.

Don't worry. I'm
coming for you.

- No!
- Rita!

Oh, please. Do not let go.

Hot, hot, hot!

What is that?

Holy f*cking
f*ck! Is that...

Keeg?

He's rescuing us.

Thanks, kiddo.

Let's go home.

Wait, don't.

No!

Keeg?

- Rita!
- Rita.

Rita.

- Man. Good to see you, brother.
- You too. Take care, bro.

- Take it easy, man.
- One day I will.

Good seeing you.

Good seeing you, too.

Hey!

I promised to share custody.

I had him for the
first ten years.

You get him for the next ten.

Hey, Derek.

I'm forever proud of you, man.

Get the
f*ck out the way.

Oh!

f*cking hell. Ow! Oh!

Move it.
Out of the way.

What's happening?

We don't
know what's going on.