03x09 - Call Me Chrismukkah

[bunniefuu]

'Twas the week before Chrismukkah,

all through the café,

eight nights of candles

and a guy on a sleigh.

The Jews eat a lot of

food, all fried up in oil.

The goyim give presents,

wrapped up in tinfoil.

On vodka,

on whiskey,

on brandy and gin.

If you're about to start drinking,

you know I'm all in.

- Hey!

- Whoo!

- Hello?

- Wow, looks like a Hallmark movie threw up in here.

Well, I love Chrismukkah.

The music, the traditions, the TV shows.

My favorite is Rudolph

the Red-Nosed Tax Lawyer

from Palm Beach.

You were a weird six-year-old,

and you're an even weirder 41-year-old.

What have you guys been up to?

Oh, we're just hanging out

at The Middle C, talking about

important stuff, like,

life, our girlfriends,

who'd win in a fight, Batman

or Kevin from Home Alone.

You sure you're okay

hanging out in a bar?

It's only been a few weeks

since you stopped drinking.

And it's obviously Kevin,

he would do anything to

get back with his family.

I was fine, Kat,

just like when we were in the

wine section at the grocery store,

or when that tequila commercial came on,

or when I stand too

close to your mother.

Well, what you're doing is not easy.

I remember how hard it was

for me to give up sugar.

You just put whipped cream

and two sugar packets

in that hot chocolate.

I'm halfway through a

six-year taper, okay, Randi?

Well, I'm great. I woke up early,

I worked on a song, went

to the rock climbing gym,

met a guy named Barry in the locker room

who dries himself off from

head to toe with a blow dryer.

Why do you hate towels, Barry?

You're spending more time at

that gym than you are with me.

I'm starting to think you

might be taking me, for granite.

Ugh, you know, Max, I have some friends

with daughters who'd be perfect for you.

- Uh

- Thank you for the offer, Sheila,

but I have to decline, again.

You know, how would you feel

if I came climbing with you?

Not a question. I'm

coming climbing with you.

Hm yeah, that would be great.

You can meet blow dryer Barry.

Unbelievable. Louisville

Weekly just kicked me out

of the Twelve Pubs of

Christmas bar crawl.

They said they wanted new businesses.

Mm, sounds r*cist to me.

Damn it, I should've said that.

They're gonna replace me

with that stupid board game bar.

Corks and Orcs? I love that place.

They do beer pong right.

First, you have a beer,

then you play Pong.

That pub crawl is the biggest

money maker of the year for me.

I mean, I bought a crazy

expensive beer tap system,

maxed out my credit card,

and this one's in my real name.

Well, you know you

can make the money back

by charging white

people double on MLK Day.

They can't say no.

- It's true, we really can't.

- Yeah.

Now, why would they pick this place

over The Middle C for the pub crawl?

It's a bunch of toys and games.

What does that have

to do with Christmas?

I see Jenga, I see pick-up sticks,

I see vodka. We are one match away

from a bunch of chess nerds

roasting on an open fire.

Damn, you a sexy badass.

I never want to break up with you,

and even if I did, I'd be too scared to.

- Oh, hey, guys.

- Sup, Zac.

Heard you got picked for the

Twelve Pubs of Christmas this year.

Yeah, bad move.

- What are you doing?

- I'm sending a message.

I just wanted to warn you

that the pub crawl is a

ton of work and no reward.

Kind of like having kids.

You got kids?

I have a dog.

You know how they poop on the rug,

and then you step in it?

That's what the Twelve

Pubs of Christmas is like.

Uh, I don't know, the magazine said

the pub crawl makes a lot of money.

But is business really

about making money, though?

For me? No, I got in early on Bitcoin.

Really? Not married, no kids?

You know, I love dogs.

What are you doing?

I'm sending a different message.

Well,

I came up with a pretty sick theme.

Uh, I don't want to toot my own horn,

but "toot, toot."

Toot, toot.

Yeah, I will be

converting Corks and Orcs

into an interactive science

fiction space Christmas adventure.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. See,

you got a problem already.

That's way too small for people.

- This is a model.

- Oh. Oh, you know,

some people said that

I should be a model.

Oh, you want to see

something extremely cool?

Check this out.

Space and holiday cheer.

This is the voyage

of the Twelve Pubs of Christmas.

Insert cool space sound.

Vroom.

I'm George Takei,

and welcome to Corks and Orcs.

You know, I've got a catchphrase.

Should I say it?

Oh, my.

I still have to edit the final version,

but, uh, yeah, Mr. Sulu himself

is gonna be here playing

Connect Four with my customers.

I hear, after a few drinks,

he'll trash-talk Shatner.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Oh, Zac, you are so hilarious.

Let's laugh over dinner

sometime, your treat.

Damn, all I was gonna

do was throw some brandy

in some expired milk and

tell everybody it was eggnog.

Yeah, babe, your idea sucks so bad.

- Are you putting on Can we go, please?

- Go?

You ain't got no Bitcoin.

Yeah, you're doing great.

Now, reach for the blue one.

Which is the blue one?

The altitude is blurring my vision.

Just imagine you're raising your hand

to volunteer for extra homework.

Oh.

You got it. That's it. Now, one more.

- Don't look down.

- Okay.

I'm not looking down.

Oh, I looked down.

It's okay, all I saw was my boobs.

That's good. They motivate

me, let them motivate you.

I can't believe it.

I did it! Take that, gravity!

Excuse me,

can Kiera have a turn on the kids' wall?

Can Kiera have a turn on the kids' wall?

Okay, I know I'm gonna regret asking,

but what are you doing?

I'm strengthening my

hands for rock climbing.

It'll also come in handy if

I ever need to milk a goat.

Strengthening your hands will

only accentuate the hair on them.

Mother, it's not hair, it's peach fuzz.

Ooh, it's dark and kind

of thick peach fuzz.

I'm doing this so I can become a

better climbing partner for Max.

Maybe some day we'll summit Kilimanjaro,

but today at 4:00, I'm

gonna show the kiddie wall

what an advanced beginner looks like.

I'm back in the Twelve

Pubs of Christmas.

- Oh!

- Oh, babe, that's amazing.

Wait, is Corks and Orcs out?

Is Zac okay? Do he and his

Bitcoin need to be held?

No, everyone is still in.

Oh, so there's 13 Pubs of Christmas?

They're still gonna call it

the Twelve Pubs of Christmas.

Mm, but that would be

inaccurate because there's 13.

Does no one care about numbers?

I do. You have ten hairy fingers.

Well, how did you get

them to change their minds?

Did you sleep with someone?

I'll be mad, but game recognize game.

I went down to Louisville Weekly,

and I told them I have a k*ller concept

that's pure genius and cannot be denied.

Then they denied me,

so I said that's r*cist,

and now I'm back in.

Ooh, what's your concept?

Cats in Santa hats?

Cats in antlers? Cats in yarmulkes?

I mean, those are all so

good, how would you pick?

How about an ugly sweater party?

The pub can crawl right

through Katharine's closet.

I'm doing an ice bar.

Everything in The Middle C,

from the furniture to the bar,

will be made out of ice.

And Darren said he's got a

guy who can get me a penguin.

Ice?

Yeah, that's gonna be

too cold for the cats.

There will be no cats.

All right, now,

according to the

Boulder Bros on YouTube,

it's very important to warm up the hands

before we climb the snot

out of this janky-ass pitch.

It's a very bro-centric channel.

My hands are warm.

Barry made me blow-dry his back.

My hands are wet, my hands are dry.

My hands are wet, my

hands are dry. Come on.

- I'm squeezing your boobs. I'm having fun.

- Oh

I'm squeezing your

boobs. I'm having fun.

Hey, you know, we should

have a YouTube channel.

We could call it, uh

"Kat to the Max."

Ooh, is this what

climber's high feels like?

No, for that, we actually

have to climb, so

I'll go first.

You stay here.

Nice and quiet.

Right. You got this.

Okay, reach. Yeah, stick that jug.

You got a pretty spicy pinch coming up.

Maybe do a knee-bar,

give your hands a rest.

Great tip.

Really helps me clear my mind.

Hey, before you get to that undercling,

you've got a little, uh, undercling

going on in your shorts.

You are literally

driving me up this wall.

Okay, I'm sorry. It's just you

and the rock. I'm not even here.

Go to your happy place.

Kat to the Max.

Damn, I wish I had a beer right now

so I could drop it on her.

That's my boyfriend.

We got a YouTube channel.

Whew, it's colder than my ex in here.

Would you quit your whining.

We're creating a magical

holiday wonderland.

And Tasha wasn't cold,

she just had standards.

Aw

Come on, man.

What? It's ice, it's slippery.

Plus, I just lotioned up.

- Sweet Pea Vanilla, baby.

- Man

Just be more careful.

Look, I got a lot riding on this.

Now, did you talk to

your penguin guy or not?

Oh, it's all set up.

We got tickets to the zoo,

duct tape, and a backpack.

Does this look like a glass?

Oh, honey, you're so handsome.

Here, check mine out.

Oh, my God, that is amazing.

I hate you so much.

Hey, I was thinking,

before climbing tomorrow,

maybe we could stop by McDonald's,

climb the PlayPlace wall as a warmup.

Show those losers in the

ball pit how it's done.

Uh, I can't tomorrow. I

have a song to work on.

And the manager was pretty clear

about us never coming

back to that McDonald's.

Hey, everybody

Shut the damn door!

Shut your damn mouth.

The pub crawl is tomorrow, and it's

costing me $200 an hour to

run these stupid freezers.

It's so cold in here, I

might have to put on a hat.

A hat, Randi.

Come on, babe, it's gonna be great.

I don't need it to be great,

I need it to be perfect.

Corks and Orcs has George Takei.

I got Darren.

Thank you.

Carter, are you, uh,

interested in someone from Star Trek?

I've got an in.

- Really?

- Wait a minute, is it a cat?

Maybe.

Is it William Cat-ner?

Yes.

All right, I'm down.

You're not Max.

And you're not my Kung Pao chicken.

Oh, cute little gingerbread men.

Ooh, not just men. Women, too.

Down with the gingerbread patriarchy.

- What's going on with that one?

- Oh,

he's non-binary. Uh, I

mean, they are. Damn it.

- Anyway, Max isn't here.

- What?

We were just texting,

like, 20 minutes ago.

I asked how the song is going,

and he said, "Not great.

I need a few more hours."

So, I asked if he wanted

me to bring him some food,

but stupid autocorrect

changed it to "good."

So, then I sent, "No, good.

Good. Good. Duck." Here I am.

Okay, that was a ducking

journey to nowhere.

He's really not here? That's so weird.

Wait, Find My Friends?

Max agreed to let you track his phone?

Uh, I assume so.

He let me watch him put in his password

over his shoulder, and then

he went and took a shower.

Aw, you really do love him.

Just the drinking thing

kind of freaked me out.

- Oh, no.

- What, is he at a bar?

Worse, the rock climbing gym.

Oh, hell yeah.

- What?

- My Kung Pao chicken.

Well

well

Give me a sec.

Well

How did you know I was

here? I didn't tell anyone.

I followed the pungent

scent of your deceit.

Wait, have you been tracking my phone?

One major relationship

breach of trust at a time.

What are you doing here without me?

This is the one thing keeping me sane,

and you're driving me freaking crazy.

Hey, you're not getting

away form me that easily.

I have mastered the toe-smear

into a reverse bicycle.

See? That right there. Don't do that.

You're just putting random words

together you heard on YouTube.

Watch, everyone, I'm doing a

Cincinnati Moon Pie squeeze.

Hey, you know, I took up

rock climbing to support you.

Maybe if Gisele had shown more

of an interest in football,

she and Tom would still be married.

Well, maybe Gisele did take

an interest in football,

then watched a bunch

of stupid YouTube videos

and acted like she knew

more about it than he did,

and then she tracked his phone.

Oh, maybe Gisele had

to track Tom's phone

because she isn't sure he has a handle

on his somewhat complicated

relationship with alcohol.

Well, guess what, being here by myself

really helps me with that.

And you know what doesn't help me?

Kat to the Max!

Don't you climb away from me.

Oh, oh. Ah.

- Oh, no. Oh, oh.

- What're you doing?

I don't know, I think I've

made that pretty clear.

What the hell are the ropes for?

Damn it, it's 31 degrees in here.

We real close to melting. Darren,

are you breathing again?

Yeah, but I got to

I told you, slow and shallow,

like the girls you date.

Whoa, you saw that, too, right?

Or am I just lightheaded from

not being allowed to breathe?

It's the freezers. They're

pulling too much power.

Oh, this is all your fault, Ice Carter.

I don't know why you

had such a stupid idea.

Look at that smile. I

can't stay mad at you.

- Oh, good, you're still here.

- Hey, I was just heading over.

- You like my new coat?

- Uh, it's fine.

- Now, let me in the café.

- Well, Kat said it was neat,

so now I think I hate it.

I don't care, just unlock the door.

What the hell is with you?

You've been snapping at me all week.

Because I am $10,000 in debt,

and Ice Carter is about

to have slush for brains.

Now, would you please open the door,

so I can steal some power.

You can't plug into the café.

The wiring's so old,

it's segregated by color.

Would you stop being sassy and help me.

Don't talk to me like that.

And I can't help being sassy.

I'm third-generation bad bitch.

Calling me sassy. You

lost your damn mind.

I don't know if you really hear prayers,

but if you do, please help me, Santa.

I'm sorry I pulled you off the wall.

Don't worry about it.

Your face broke my fall.

You feeling okay?

A little sore.

Will you let me know

if I start drooling?

Yes.

Five minutes ago, you started drooling.

Oh

I'm sorry that I lied to you.

I should've just told you

that I needed some space.

Space? From me?

Inconceivable.

I'm sorry I snooped on you.

I just

I'm worried about you drinking.

I haven't had a drink in three weeks.

I know, and that's great.

And I

guarantee you that I worry

about myself twice as much.

I don't know if I have

a drinking problem,

but I know my dad did.

What?

You don't notice it as a kid,

but looking back,

I mean, he was drunk all the time.

Oh Max.

I don't know if he left

or my mom kicked him out

or

Either way, it wrecked my family.

That's awful.

I just don't want to turn out like him.

You are not your dad.

Yeah, I hope not.

You're not.

Thank you.

I'm glad you told me.

Me, too.

But I am changing my phone password

and finding a climbing gym that

you don't know anything about.

Reasonable. I overstepped.

I'm sorry.

Kiss?

Oh, I'm still drooling?

- Yeah, you never stopped.

- Oh

- Come here.

- Oh.

It is like a winter wonderland in here.

It's best to just nod and smile.

I've been doing that her whole life.

Whoo!

Oh, wow. That looks fun.

And only $15!

- What is that?

- An ice luge.

You do sh*ts out of it.

Good God, didn't you learn

anything in high school?

I was valedictorian.

I learned everything.

Darren, set me up.

I was a gold medalist

in ice luge at Margaritaville.

Oh, my God. George Takei.

What're you doing here?

Well, I'd stomached as much nerd talk

as I could at Corks and Dorks.

I needed to cleanse my palate

with a good old-fashioned gay bar.

What?

Dueling pianos, right?

Uh Okay. Uh, yeah, come on in.

Sheila Silver.

George?

I almost didn't recognize

you with your pants on.

Uh you two know each other?

Oh, we met at Leonard Nimoy's

bicentennial fondue party.

Oh.

So, uh, you've seen his phaser?

Yes, and it was set to stun.

Mr. Takei, I, uh huge fan.

Oh, my.

Merry Christmas to me.

I see you still talk to yourself.

I talk to whomever I want to.

I'm George (BLEEP) Takei.

Silent ♪

Hey. Thanks for coming down.

Mm-hmm.

I'm really sorry about earlier.

Guess I put the "ass" in Christm-ass.

Just been so stressed about money.

Why do you need a fancy beer tap anyway?

Zac and I were texting, and

he said they're overrated.

Actually

I bought something else.

Whoa.

What are you doing?

Miranda Elizabeth Hamilton

Oh, my God, my government name.

You're the most amazing

person I've ever met.

You're brilliant,

kind, and damn, you're beautiful.

I've love you since day one.

Aw, Carter.

Wait, day one of what?

Dating or when we first met?

What's the difference?

I mean, I'm on my knee,

and it's freezing out here.

Well, I didn't tell you to

do it outside in December.

Last week, we were at Ruth's Chris.

You drop a roll on the

floor, you're on one knee,

boom, everybody cheers,

we get a free dessert.

I just wanted it to

be perfect, like you.

Oh, it is perfect.

Will you marry me?

Of course I'll marry you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

But this better not be

my Christmas present.

- Yay! I'm so happy for you!

- Congratulations.

- Ugh, you can wear my wedding dress.

- Oh.

- Mother.

- Oh, honey,

your mannish shoulders would

tear right through that lace.

Hey, check it out.

Not only did I get you a penguin,

but I got you two penguins.

Uh-oh. Darren Jr.?

I can't believe that it's Christmas ♪

The best time of the year, oh ♪

I can't believe that it's Christmas ♪

And Santa will soon be here ♪

I can't believe that it's Christmas ♪

The best time of the year ♪

I can't believe that it's Christmas ♪

And Santa will soon be here. ♪