02x08 - The Liquor License

[bunniefuu]

Got talked into buying the big carriage.

That's a lot of

carriage, let me tell you.

- Hmm?

- Two horse powered.

Wow.

Ben Franklin, Sam Adams,

and General Washington himself.

I heard they're in town for

the big Freemason gathering.

It's the most illustrious group

of men in the American colonies.

Oh, to be one of them.

Oh, I think Ben Franklin's

- actually coming over here.

- What?

Laugh, man. Laugh like I've made a quip.

Higgintoot.

I trust you're well?

Yes, well, three of my five nephews

survived the winter, so we're pleased.

Oh, excellent news. Excellent news.

You know, I was actually

wondering whether

you'd be free to drop by the

Freemason lodge this Friday at 5:00.

- I could use a man like you.

- Of course.

Ah! Splendid, then. I'll see you there.

And, uh ooh! Enjoy the view.

Ah, yes.

Knockers. My favorite.

I wish she had three instead of two.

Right.

Damn those pesky wedding vows.

Okay, great. See you tomorrow.

- Thank you.

- Hmm?

Jay, we just got another

booking for the event.

- Yeah?

- Event? What event?

Nothing was run by me

as lady of the house.

Again Because you're dead.

But just to bring everybody up to speed,

we are hosting a high-end

whiskey tasting

and so far, the

feedback's been great.

We even got a writer from Sippr NY

to come review it, which is huge.

Sippr is like Eater, but for drinks.

To put it in terms you

still don't understand.

Well, I don't like that the

event promotes alcohol use.

Said the cocaine fiend.

But I do like your

description of it as high-end.

Sounds snooty. Well done.

Oh, hold on.

It's crazy you can

publicize a drinking event.

In my day, when folks were boozing,

you didn't know if you

were going to get arrested,

get sh*t or go blind.

Ooh-whee! It was fun.

Are you sure?

Okay. Uh, well, uh, thanks, I guess.

Bad news, babe.

Um, you know how I

was supposed to secure

the liquor license

before the B and B opened?

Might want to get down here!

Sam and Jay are about to have a fight.

Well, I forgot.

But then, in kind of a hero move,

last week, I realized that I forgot.

Jay, the whiskey tasting is tomorrow.

Which is why I have been

hounding the liquor board

to expedite the process,

and that was them.

And they said that the earliest

that they can come to do an inspection

is eight weeks from now.

No. We've been serving

alcohol for months.

Welcome drinks, wine

pairings with dinner.

Wait, we have been doing it for months,

and we haven't been caught.

So what's one more day?

Yes. Jay, I like your style.

If we cancel on the Sippr

guy, he may never come back.

We'll be blowing a huge opportunity.

As the wife of a robber baron,

if I might just add, sometimes

one must skirt the law

to advance one's own business.

This is nuts. Serving alcohol without

a license is a criminal offense.

What are the ghosts saying?

Well, Hetty's saying sometimes you need

to bend the law in business,

and Pete's arguing against.

And whose mansion are

we standing in right now?

Okay, I had a three-bedroom

in a very good school district.

I guess it's just one more day.

Yes, Sam! Let's break the damn law.

And please enjoy this cheese platter

while we wait for the

other guests to arrive.

Thank you so much.

Uh, Sam, why are we

wasting space on almonds?

We need pungent. Where's the Roquefort?

Who are the young folk?

Ah, they're here for

the whiskey tasting.

She's an art history

major, and he's a frat guy

trying to prove he's not a douche

by bringing her to this classy event.

I am tired of people

stereotyping frat dudes.

We are just as refined as the next guy.

Babe, check it out.

Frog testicles.

Yes, he's a remarkable young man.

Damn, I miss my frat days.

Great friends, epic parties.

Isaac knows what I'm talking about.

- He was a Freemason.

- What's a Freemason?

We were the original

fraternal organization.

Ben Franklin, George

Washington, Samuel Adams

were counted amongst our membership.

It was, like, crazy exclusive.

The kid who played Chunk in Goonies

was in my pledge class, so I get it.

Here's an idea.

What if we started our own fraternity?

A ghost fraternity?

- Oh, hell yes!

- A ghost fraternity?

Okay, but how is that any

different than all of us

just hanging out like we always do?

Because a fraternity has

rituals and traditions.

And a cool secret handshake!

Yes.

Also, it's slightly different

than what we do every other day.

Yeah! Anything different is good.

Okay, fine. I'm in.

Flower, what do you say?

I forget what we were talking about.

It's just like doing

bong hits with Chunk.

I love it. This frat's gonna be amazing!

Is that the guy from Sippr?

Yep, and he is making

love to that whiskey.

So what do you think?

Notes of vanilla, dried fruit,

a playful offering with which to start.

Uh

If you'll excuse me, I'll be right back.

- Hi. Jay Arondekar?

- Yes.

My name's Sherry. I'm with the

Hudson Valley Liquor Authority.

Sam, we're being raided.

Toilet, sink or drink.

You got to get rid of the hooch.

I'm here to inspect your

property for a liquor license.

Oh. I thought you couldn't come

for, like, eight weeks.

Well, today is your lucky day.

I had a cancellation

and was told you folks

are in a bit of a time crunch.

Now isn't exactly the best time,

so maybe you could come

back, like, say, tomorrow?

Once we arrive, if we're denied entry,

- it's an a*t*matic fail.

- Meaning

You'll have to wait a

year before you reapply.

Okay, uh, would you

just hold on one moment?

- No, wait What?

- Thanks.

This is not good.

We can't be without a

liquor license for a year.

We have to get the guests out of here.

Wow. I guess someone's wishing

they listened to the fellow

with the modest house after all, huh?

What are we gonna do? Are we

gonna kick out the Sippr guy?

Can you imagine the review he'll write?

He'll shred us.

- I have an idea.

- What?

I said, "He'll shred us."

I was talking to Alberta.

Okay, well, you can see how

it's confusing, though, right?

Well, you have a bunch of booze

and a bunch of thirsty customers

with Johnny Law

breathing down your neck.

And you also have a secret

room with a hidden entrance.

What are you saying, Alberta?

Girl, I'm saying let's

do a damn speakeasy.

Alberta's suggesting

that we sneak our guests

into the vault and call it a speakeasy.

That's a great idea.

It's cool, it's down

a secret passageway.

That's what I'm saying!

We could sell it as part

of the whiskey tasting

experience, make it our theme.

I strongly advise against this.

You're gonna run a

speakeasy in the house

while that woman is

performing inspections?

This is crazy.

Yes, Pete, apparently we are.

Ooh, all right, Sam!

You won't regret it.

Yeah, unless they get fined, arrested,

or put out of business.

Either way, it's gonna be a wild night.

- What's going on?

- It's 1928, and Johnny Law is hot on our tails.

Oh, is this like a speakeasy thing?

Yes, exactly. And as long as you

know the password um, uh

Arrow nerd.

Pretty sure Arrow would have sufficed.

Then you can come on in.

- Arrow nerd.

- You're in.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

So, uh, how long do you

think this is going to take?

Well, I need to check the common spaces,

make sure there are an

appropriate number of egresses,

look at the general sanitary conditions,

ensure there's no pest

feces or active infestations.

Cool. So, like, ten or 15 minutes?

This is going to take

several hours, sir.

Ooh, the Paper Mate 98 ball pen?

Oh, this gal means business.

That baby glides. Ooh. Yeah.

You've all been chosen as members

of the inaugural class of the

very exclusive ghost fraternity.

What makes it exclusive?

Pete and Alberta aren't in it.

Didn't they choose not to be in it?

Be that as it may, they're out.

Now, you may be

wondering, what is a frat?

And the answer is an

organization that promotes

high-minded conversations

- about philosophy, poetry and ethics.

- What?

No, it's not that at all.

It's about binge drinking, taking dr*gs,

and doing one day of

charity every three years.

But, Trevor, we're ghosts.

We can't do any of those things.

Okay, fine, but we

don't have to be lame.

We can do fun stuff,

like jumping off the roof.

Yes!

Like ättestupa.

In Viking society, when old people

no longer able to support themselves,

we throw them off cliff.

Is very fun.

Just every story, man,

- it just keeps getting darker.

- Yeah.

Wouldn't everyone prefer

to plumb the depths

of human knowledge and

learn timeless lessons

about morality, like we

did in the Freemasons?

Look, guys, I think we

have different visions

of this thing, which is fine.

Doesn't mean that one's

better than the other.

Just means that you

should start your own frat.

And I'll do the cool one.

So

how's it going down here?

A completely immersive experience

to go along with the tasting. Well done.

And the fake corpse

That's a nice touch.

Look, I can make him pick his nose.

- That's great, Blane.

- Oh, they're being so loud.

The inspector's going to

hear. This is so nerve-racking.

Pete, this is living!

Didn't you ever color outside the lines?

Well, one time I was late for a movie,

so I parked in a loading zone.

It was a Sunday, so it

was probably allowed,

but, man, it ruined Gremlins for me.

We lived very different

lives, Pete Martino.

Thor-Finn, Thor-Finn, Thor-Finn!

Jump, Thor!

Now that Thor up here, it, uh

seems pretty high.

Starting to feel bad for old

people we throw off cliff.

You're a ghost. You'll be fine.

Oh.

Is this stove properly ventilated?

Yes, I would assume it is.

Well, you'd be surprised.

A lot of these older

homes have renovations

that were done without

proper permitting.

Oh, my God!

Improper permitting, you say?

Yes, it's a real problem.

- Thor rules!

- Oh, my God!

Best fraternity ever! Yes!

I'll be right back.

- Arrow nerd.

- Excuse me?

Our buddy texted us

about a speakeasy here.

Oh, yeah, that's not

actually happening anymore.

But he just texted us.

- Hey, yo, Blane!

- Okay, okay.

It was a test.

And you passed,

so shut up, follow me, quietly.

"Any moment might be our last,

everything is more beautiful

because we are doomed."

Anyone know from where those words come?

- My worst nightmare?

- No.

It's The Iliad!

This is the point of a

fraternal organization.

The Freemasons sought

to build moral character

through study of the classics.

"The classics."

Hey, what's going on

lame-da, lame-da, lame-da?

- We're going to party in vault!

- You guys should come.

No, rest assured, we're

quite fine in here.

Suit yourself.

Lame-da!

Okay, where were we? Ah, yes.

Throwing a party of our own.

- I can't do this, man.

- What?

Look, I joined your

frat 'cause I hate siding

with Trevor on basically

anything, but

I just gotta get out of here.

Well, it's just you and me, then.

That was so rude of Sasappis

just to leave us here like that.

I think I should go give

him a piece of my mind.

- You just want to go to the party, don't you?

- Desperately.

Thank you for understanding. Oh!

HVU!

- Go, Turtles!

- Man, these guys can drink.

I had two light beers

in college one night.

Woke up in a trash

heap in northern Nevada.

Ooh!

Oh, well, well, well. Look

what the cat dragged in.

Yes, fine. We got bored. You win.

Go ahead, do that weird

gesture with your hands

- where you make a little "T."

- T-Money! Yeah, that one?

- Ugh.

- Ugh. Good. Get it out of your system.

Wait. Where's Isaac?

Oh, uh, he's, uh, still

at the frat meeting.

You left him at the meeting alone?

- Yes, and we feel awful about it.

- Mm-hmm.

Tiny hot dogs.

Oh, they smell just as

good as the big boys.

- Hey.

- Hi.

So how's it going up there?

Slow. That lady is thorough.

How's Sippr guy enjoying himself?

He thinks that the high-end whiskey

that we're serving him isn't "special."

Uh, Sam, if I may,

I know where you can get a whiskey

that will knock this man's socks off.

- Am I holding for ghosts?

- Yup.

My bootlegger boyfriend

stored booze upstairs

- the night I performed.

- Do you think it's still there?

Oh, I know it is. I'll

take you right to it.

Okay. Hey, uh, Elliot.

Uh, how would you like to

try Prohibition-era whiskey

stashed on this property

100 years ago by bootleggers?

I would like to try that very much.

Great. Wait here and

we'll be right back.

Uh, there is just one little problem.

- It's in the wall.

- Seriously?

Damn it.

Jay, Alberta said the

whiskey is still in the wall.

Mm-hmm.

Yep, it's still there.

Oh, my precious booze.

And also a possum skeleton.

He d*ed years before you guys moved in.

Cute little guy. You know, pre-rotting.

All right, I'm all

done with my inspection.

- Everything looks good.

- Oh!

Great. So you're leaving?

Yup, just as soon as I fill

out the requisite paperwork.

Okay if I set up shop in the kitchen?

Uh Why don't you use the library?

- It's more comfortable.

- Or the upstairs den.

Very end of the hall. Quiet.

No, the kitchen's fine.

This is insane.

There's no way we can

break a hole in this wall

without Sherry hearing us.

Okay, I have an idea.

We Shawshank it.

Shawshank Redemption. The movie.

- I still haven't seen it.

- Seriously?

- Sam, it's on, like, four times a day.

- Okay.

In that movie, the

main guy, Andy Dufresne,

he escapes from prison by

crawling through a pipe,

and what he does is

he waits for a storm,

and then he uses the cracks

of thunder to cover up

when he hits the pipe with a rock.

So you're saying we

should wait for a storm?

No, babe, I'm saying

we make our own storm.

Is anyone else turned on right now?

A little.

This woman is a machine! Working in pen,

no cross-outs, really focused.

Oh, Jay looks like he's gearing up, Sam.

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm just gonna tenderize a little meat.

No problem.

And now!

And now!

And now!

Oh, that's a beefy rib-eye.

Oh, my God.

Ooh-whee! Yes.

That's some sweet Kentucky bath water.

Mm, and one nasty-ass possum.

Hey, I've been looking for you, bud.

I suppose you've come to gloat

about your fraternity vanquishing mine.

No, I came to invite you downstairs.

It may not be a Masonic lodge,

but speakeasy's pretty cool.

And we missed you.

Well, the truth is, I wouldn't even know

what the inside of a

Masonic lodge looked like.

What are you talking about?

Was it all freaky blindfolded stuff?

No, Trevor.

Despite my claims, I never

actually was a Freemason.

Wow!

I had heard the rumors,

but that is a big carriage.

Well, it doesn't get the

best miles per bale of hay,

but, uh, she sure is roomy.

Indeed. Indeed.

And a good thing too, Higgintoot,

because I've invited you here today

because I would like you

to take a large oak

desk to John Jay's house.

You mean You mean after the meeting?

After the

Oh, dear.

You thought I was inviting you

to the Freemasons meeting.

- Oh

- I mean, I I mean, no.

Look, after John Jay's,

why don't you come back?

Really?

Oh, darn it! I've done

it again, haven't I?

I simply meant in case

any of the Freemasons

needed a ride home.

I am sorry.

So, when I got the chance

to start my own fraternity,

I decided to turn it

into the Freemasons,

so I could finally belong.

But here I am, rejected once again.

They didn't reject you today.

They rejected being in the Freemasons,

Which makes sense, 'cause it seems

like the Freemasons kind of sucked.

And Ben Franklin I hate to say this,

as a Penn guy sounds like a d*ck.

He was a bit full of himself.

Although, he did discover electricity.

Like they weren't gonna find that.

Look, I didn't get into

my first choice frat,

but the guys I ended up with

turned out to be my best friends.

Didn't one of them dump

your dead body into a lake?

The point is, you may

not have chosen us ghosts,

but you're here now,

and we're lucky to have you.

Thank you, Trevor.

You know, there's a statue

of Ben Franklin on campus at Penn,

him sitting on a bench.

Ugh, of course there is.

Why are you telling me this?

Because every weekend,

kids get drunk and pee all over it.

Oh.

Oh, Trevor

What a gift you've given me.

So, what do you think?

I have never had anything like it.

I feel like I've been training

my whole life for this.

Cheers.

Little tip, Sam.

You and Jay wait 20

minutes before drinking it,

see if any of these folks go blind.

I can't believe it.

We pass our inspection,

we nail the whiskey tasting.

Are we great business people?

We might be.

Oh, what a night. That was fun.

I gotta admit, I was nervous at first,

but then I started to,

you know, get into it.

Ooh, see? Being bad feels pretty good.

- Doesn't it?

- It was exciting.

That's why you gotta take

risks every now and then.

Yeah, you're right.

You're totally right.

Pete, you spent your

whole life being afraid.

Don't make that same

mistake in your afterlife.

Just go for it.

Okay.

Whoa!

Okay. You're gonna see this as a defeat,

but this is a proud moment for you,

and I want you to acknowledge that.

Okay, I feel I feel proud.

Good.

Hey, to the ghost frat and its

founding member, Isaac Higgintoot.

Huzzah!

Yeah!

What an event. I mean,

hats off to you both.

Someone is gonna get a

very nice review in Sippr.

That's great. Uh, thank you.

I mean, I really don't understand

your business model at all.

Just giving away $5,000

bottles of vintage whiskey,

but I am not complaining.

Did he say $5,000?

Yeah!

Are we bad business people?

We might be.

You know, I think it's smart

you're saving a little

money doing this yourselves.

Totally. Now we're only 30 grand

down from the whole whiskey thing.

Hey, wait a minute.

What is this?

It's a letter.

Does possum have pen pal?

Open it up, Sam.

"My dearest Earl "

That was my bootlegger boyfriend.

The letter must have

fallen out of the crate.

"I can't wait for us to be together

once we get rid of you-know-who."

Signed, T.

"Get rid of ?"

Sam. This might have something to do

- with Alberta's m*rder.

- Did Earl knock me off?

Or maybe it was T.

But who the hell is T?

Samantha, fire up that podcast machine.

We've got two new suspects.