13x10 - The Plight Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

(tapping)

Look at my Gene-y Gene
practicing.

And that sound is gonna...

keep going or what?

I was curious about that.

I just want the performance
to be perfect.

If you installed
xylophones in the booths,

like I requested,
this would sound better.

Well, it's great you're
so excited about tonight.

Of course I am.

It's Ms. Merkin's
first-ever original

sixth grade
holiday all-xylophone

musical spectacular.

She says it's about
love and loss

and online shopping
and the end of innocence.

It's her greatest work.

Aw, I'm so sad
I'm gonna miss it.

Don't worry.
I'm gonna get it all on tape.

And your mother's gonna record
Tina's Thundergirl thing,

and we'll watch them both
when we all get home tonight.

A cheap phone and an
old camcorder, battling it out.

Oh, my teeny Tina.

The star of the Thundergirls'
holiday play at City Hall Plaza.

The star in the Thundergirls'
holiday play at City Hall Plaza.

I'm a star. Like, an actual star
in-in the sky.

But still, the star.

Everybody's roles
are pretty much the same size.

Mom's really confused
by the star thing.

- Oh, yeah. - Mm-hmm.
- Where's your sister?

Louise is coming with me, right?

I guess she can go
with either one of us.

How did you two choose
who was gonna go to what?

Flipped a coin.
Calmly flipped a coin.

(groans) Cut me in half
so I can go to both.

Oh, God.

- Oh, crap.
- Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

- It's under the fridge. I got it.
- (dry heaves)

- I almost threw up.
- I was also very torn.

But you actually weren't
'cause my thing is indoors.

- I mean, it's cold out.
- No, I get it completely.

- There she is. You ready to go?
- Yeah.

- Who's taking me to the library?
- You want to go to Tina's thing

- or Gene's thing? Wait, what?
- Sorry, what?

- Who's taking me to the library?
- You want to go to Tina's thing

- or Gene's thing?
- Wait, what's happening?

Remember,
the holiday poetry contest

at the library?

I got selected to read my poem

BOTH: That's tonight?

Sounds like you're both

excited about it?

I thought it was tomorrow.

I only know what she knows.

It's fine. It's not a big deal.
You know the drill.

Every year, I enter a poem
with the word "poop" in it,

so that, if it gets selected,

I get to say "poop"
in the library.

And they put the poem
on the wall for a month.

That's not a great reason...
Never mind.

Anyway, this year, I...
Well, um,

somehow I got in.
I just need a ride.

You don't have to stay.
In fact, I don't want you there.

If you tried to stay,
I'd say, "Go on, get,"

- and I'd spray you with the hose.
- Wow.

Two parents, three kids'
Christmas performances.

Dear, God, why?
There's got to be a way.

- What time does everyone's thing start?
- KIDS: 6:00.

(wails)

- (crying)
- Lin, easy.

S-Someone's gonna
call the police.

Hi. She's happy.
She's-she's good.

Uh... I-I think we got to go
with Louise's plan.

Lin, you drop her at the library
on the way to city hall,

and then pick her up
on your way back.

I will walk over
to the school with Gene.

Louise, you'll just have to

kind of recreate the reading
for us tonight, okay?

We really want to hear
your poop poem.

I get it.
I'll do a reenactment later.

I'll give myself a funny accent.

Ugh, this is the worst day
of my life.

Yup. So, w-we should go. Gene?

- Camera, Bob. Camera!
- Right, right.

- Sorry.
- Get a good angle!

- Okay, okay.
- This is k*lling me.

Oh, my God.

So, the poem you submitted

was Who Picks Up
the Reindeer Poop?

- Um, yeah.
- I still think you should've submitted something

from the heart this year,
not so much about poop.

I know.
That would've been hilarious.

- What're you guys talking about?
- Nothing.

I've been trying to convince
Louise to submit an actual poem

for the holiday poetry contest.

Who Picks Up the Reindeer Poop?
Is an actual poem.

And, frankly, it's a subject

that everyone
should be talking about.

I mean, why don't we
talk about it?

Right, but, I mean, a poem

about something that's

important to you,
or a feeling, or...

Okay, Tina-ly Dickinson,
I get it.

You like feelings.

Some of us answer
to a higher calling, okay?

The word "poop" on the wall

at the library for one month.
Let's drop it, all right?

But didn't you say you wrote
a "dumb serious" one,

which were your words not mine.
Can I just see your folder?

- I thought I saw you put something...
- Tina, enough.

I'm not gonna be poop-shamed
during the holidays.

Okay, we're here.
I'm double parked, so, Tina,

stay in the car.
I'm gonna walk Louise in.

There's gonna be some hugging,
and I might cry,

but we also have to hurry.
Where's tissues?

Forget it, I'll use my sleeve.

- What do we do? Can we do something?
- I don't know.

Geez. What's going on?
People seem sort of upset?

I don't know. Grown-ups always
look that way to me.

Hi. I'm Rachel.
I mean, Miss Bisselbender.

I'm, um, I'm the substitute
music teacher. (Chuckles)

- The what?!
- I know. Uh, Ms. Merkin's sister

had an emergency appendectomy,

- and Ms. Merkin was still gonna come to this...
- Of course.

But then,
her appendix burst, too.

- Aah!
- I guess you can have a sympathetic appendix.

Anyway, she's gonna be fine,
but she's in surgery

with her sister,
and the school called me

and I'm supposed
to run the assembly

because it was too late
to call it off.

Okay.

- And what an opportunity.
- Uh-huh.

But I also don't know
anything about music.

- BOTH: Oh.
- And I told the school that

when they called me,
but they said I'm the only sub

that answered the phone,
so I had to come

if I ever wanted to
"work in this town again."

- Uh-huh.
- Uh, so why don't you, uh,

go look apprehensive
with the other parents, and...

- Gene.
- Gene, you come with me,

and we'll, um,
we'll get through this.

- (whimpers)
- It should be okay.

You've been practicing, right?

Yeah, but... (sighs)
Well, I'm not sure

we can do this without
Ms. Merkin directing us.

She kind of realized
that none of us

were good at reading music,
so she came up with a system.

"This note is C.

The one we talked about.
When you get here..."

MS. MERKIN:
"...look at me. I'll point up

"when you should play
a whole step up,

"and I'll point down when you
should play a whole step down.

With my other hand,
I'll indicate the rhythm."

- Oh, boy.
- BISSELBENDER: Okay, sixth graders,

follow me.

Parents, take your seats.
No one panic.

It's fine. I mean, welcome.

(chuckles) Thank you.

Whew.

Big turnout.
Lot of poetry lovers.

Hi, how are you?
Oh, you're not looking at me.

You're looking at him.
Great, great, great.

LINDA:
This is good. Good costume.

- Thank you.
- You make this?

Yes, I stayed up
all night, but it's fine

because I don't have
a full-time job.

Just kidding, I do.

But so nice for the girls.

Winter Traditions
from Around the World.

I got it off the Internet
'cause all the parts

were the same size
and it seemed sweet.

18 different costumes, Linda.

I didn't see that crucial detail
till it was too late to change.

Ginny's a little stretched.

Did the girls audition for the
parts, or how did you choose?

- Randomly assigned.
- Randomly assigned, I told you.

Still, fits her like a glove,
this outfit.

I wanted to be the star.

You're the candle, Harley.

You have pathos.
You have emotion.

It's fire. Be the fire, Harley.

I'm four other parts, too,

but the star is kind of
a through line.

Uh-huh.
(whispering): Watch your back.

She's gunning for you.
They all are.

So, she gave you all
sheets of paper,

but they basically
just say to look at her

and she'll tell you what to do

- with her hands?
- STUDENTS: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

At the same time, even though

- some of you play different notes?
- STUDENTS: Mm-hmm.

That doesn't seem...
Is that possible?

- Ms. Merkin's in Mensa.
- She's on a whole other level.

Would you say this is
important to you guys?

STUDENTS:
Yeah.

- Ms. Merkin's my favorite teacher.
- Same.

She's my 68-year-old
soul sister.

All right. Understood.
We'll just have to, um,

figure out a way to, uh,
make Ms. Merkin proud.

We probably have
about one minute.

Anyone want to explain
music to me real quick,

so I can make it happen
with my arms somehow tonight?

Uh... I'll start
at the beginning.

I'll start with Prince.
Who's got an MP3 player?

How are you
with explicit lyrics?

Where's Linda, Bob?

We had to split up tonight.

Our oldest is doing a play
at City Hall Plaza.

We're rushing out after this
to go see our oldest do,

uh, choir at the high school.

Is that how you say that,
"do choir"?

- Yeah, that's right.
- That sounds right.

We, uh, we actually have
three kids' things tonight.

We're missing one completely.

- Oh... - Oh.
- (winces)

Oh. You all just reacted

more than I thought you would.

Now I feel really bad.

- No...
- No. No.

- There you go.
- Thanks for your help, Linda.

This all went more smoothly

when the dress rehearsal
was in my apartment,

and we didn't do
the "dress" part.

No problem.
Hey, you don't want to put on

a show like this without a...

- What is this?
- Yule log.

Norse tradition,
not a giant poop.

Oh, no, I didn't think that.

It's come up. Thank you, Jodi.

- Sorry, once you see it...
- No, I know.

- JODI: Poop. - GINNY: Yup.
- TINA: Hmm.

Wonder if Louise
has read her poop poem yet.

She was acting weird in the car.

I still think
you should've submitted

something from the heart
this year.

I know. That would've
been hilarious.

- TINA: I think...
- But didn't you say

you wrote a dumb serious one,

which were your words not mine.
Can I just see your folder?

- I thought I saw you put something...
- Tina, enough.

TINA:
Did she...

Oh, my God.

What, you got to pee?

Too long to get you
out of there.

Hold it, honey.
Everyone hold it, okay?

YULE LOG GIRLS:
Okay.

No, Mom, I think Louise
wrote a real poem

for that library contest.

I think she was embarrassed

to admit that it might actually
be important to her.

What?!

That sneaky sneak head.

And no parent there to see it.

She's all alone.

TINA: Maybe they're live
streaming it? Probably not.

- GINNY: Thundergirls Troop number 119 proudly presents...
- Call me back.

...where poetry was born.

Even before the written word,
people gathered by the fire,

and there were odes and sermons.

You know what I think the very
first poem was called?

- How Great is This Fire?
- ...while the students get, uh,

settled behind
their instruments,

- I'll say a few words.
- (phone buzzing)

- (whispers): Sorry.
- BISSELBENDER: Which is what I'm doing.

- These are words. Tonight we're playing...
- Sorry.

- BISSELBENDER: Twerkin' Merkin's Holiday Xylo-Jam.
- I'm sorry. Sorry. So sorry.

- Louise what?
- She tricked us.

She wrote a real poem.

- Why would she do that?
- I know.

What, she's sincere
all of a sudden?

No, why would she trick us?

Maybe 'cause she was hiding
her hurt feelings

- that we couldn't go.
- Oh, God.

I was wondering why
they chose a poop poem.

I assumed they were
just being edgy.

Bob, one of us
has to get over there

to hear her read that poem.

You're right, you're right.
Uh, you have the car.

Can you go to Louise's thing
after Tina's?

Or partway or something?

Ugh, I would go,
but I'm a stagehand now.

The troop leader...
Uh, she's a little overwhelmed.

You should see
the substitute teacher

trying to run Gene's assembly.

Look, I-I know you're on foot,

but how long is Gene's thing?

45 minutes? An hour?

Could you, like, slip out, and
take, a-a cab to the library

and then come back
and see the end of Gene's?

What, like, go to both, somehow?

- Louise has nobody.
- I... I mean, I...

I guess? I don't...

(gasps)
Oh, my God! There's a cab!

Uh, I'll-I'll,
uh, I'll call you back, Lin.

Taxi!

Christmas morning.

Christmas mourning. I miss her

so much it hurts.

Peppermint tears.

Grandma feels near
this year, but...

not anywhere I can reach.

- (applause)
- (sniffles)

Thank you, Aliah. Amazing.

Whew. Okay, next up,
uh, Benjamin Branf.

Good luck following that.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
You'll be great.

(panting)

You drove so far
before you saw me.

Sorry about that.
I thought you were a jogger,

and you were going
the same way as me.

That's why I gave you
the thumbs up.

I yelled so much.

So, if you were yelling, I
apologize. I don't hear so well.

You're, uh, you're taking me
to the library, right?

- To the what?
- Where are we?

- Like, what town?
- No.

Are you taking me
to the library?

- You said "refinery."
- No. What?

Oh, my God,
we're going the wrong way.

Uh, I need you to take me to
the library, the public library,

- that's what I said.
- Oh...

What refinery
were you taking me to?

I don't know,
but I didn't want to seem

like I didn't know, you know?

- Agh!
- All right, let me see

if there's a place
I can turn around.

I got to be honest,
I'm not great at turning around.

Oh, this can't be happening.

(xylophones playing haphazardly)

(groans)

TINA:
A star's light shines

more brightly in the winter sky.

-A star's light can bring hope,
-A star's light can bring hope,

- can inspire great journeys.
- Can inspire great journeys.

(grunting)

- Mom, go to Louise's thing.
- I can't,

but it's okay,
your father's going.

Also, don't you have
another scene?

It doesn't matter.
I don't have any lines in it.

How is Dad going to Louise's?

- We have the car.
- He's taking a cab.

He's probably there by now.

- DRIVER: Is that it?
- BOB: No.

Is that it?

Do-do you know
what a library looks like?

(laughing) I know, right?

I think, um...

Actually, I think
I know where we are.

Uh, j-j-just let me out here.

Um, keep the change.
Happy holidays.

I hope you find
what you're looking for.

That's not a good thing
for a cab driver to say.

(sighs)
Library. Oh, come on.

Other people have maps
that work. Nope.

Okay.
Calling Linda. Lin?

Did you see it?
Was it good?

The cab was a disaster.

Uh, I'm not at the library yet.

Oh, Bob.

She might've read it by now.

Do you see any, uh...

bicycles you could hop on?
Or horses?

I'm running.
I'm hoping for a miracle here.

Also, do you know the address
of the library?

Yeah, I just
dropped her off there.

It's, uh, it's on that street.

Oh, my God, I'm blanking.
What's the street?

You know the one.

Wait! I see it! Yes!

I see the library.
The back of it.

Lin, I'll call you back
in a bit.

The back of it?
Oh, he hung up.

Uh, good job out there.

Uh... Okay...

- Uh, hi. Hey.
- Hey?

- Wow, that's bright.
- Thank you.

Do you know if there's a way
to get through the fence there?

- To get to the library?
- To the library?

Yeah. My daughter's
about to read a poem.

A sincere poem.
If I have to go all the way

around the block,
I'm worried I'll miss it.

A sincere poem?

Yeah, it turns out.
Not like her.

I don't know a way through,
but I'll give you a boost.

- (both grunting)
- (barking)

- Louie, no!
- What's happening?

- Sorry.
- (grunts)

- (screams)
- Louie, down.

- Down, Louie.
- Aah! Why's he doing this?

Maybe he thinks you're
a burglar? Uh, kisses.

- Just kisses, Louie.
- (grunts)

- Uh, thanks?
- Oh, you're welcome.

Oh...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What happened here?

I'm at the library,
she's not at the library.

LOUISE: What was I
thinking? I can't read this.

What if they hate it?

I could... read this one.

They'll be like, "That's
not the poem you submitted,"

but by the time they
figure it out, I'll be done.

I'll be out of here. Did I put
my tights on backwards?

Yes, I did.

- (phone vibrates)
- Bob?

(panting)
Wrong branch.

- What?! Right, sorry.
- Shh.

I went to the main branch
of the library.

They're closed.
Where's Louise?

Our branch, the local branch.

You went to the main branch?

There's a local branch?

Did we used to come to this one?

Yeah. Then they built one
closer to us.

Oh, it's too many libraries.
There should just be one.

I mean, I wouldn't run
for office on that platform.

Oh, I feel really bad
about myself right now.

Oh, God, we're bad parents.

Should I go?
I can't go.

Listen, I'm going back
to school,

to catch the end of Gene's.

I... I hate the holidays, Lin.

- No.
- All right, I don't. I don't,

but I-I definitely
hate running,

and I've been doing a lot of it,

and I hate this camera bag. Oh!

- Bob? Bob?
- (Crying) Ow!

- (playing haphazardly)
- Okay... Okay.

Okay. Hey.

(chuckles)
Thank you.

That was, I think,
three different songs

being played at the same time,
and that is on me.

- (scattered applause)
- We are going

to, uh, have
a little intermission now.

Please, um, don't leave.
I mean, you know,

stay in the auditorium.

We're just, um... We're gonna
huddle up for a sec, and

we'll be right back
to finish our program

for this evening. Again, uh,

don't leave.
Uh, I mean, you have to take

your children home with you,
so you can't.

(chuckles)
Okay, um... bye.

We're terrible.

I've never heard
angry applause before.

No. No, you're not terrible.
We had a good start,

then ten or 12 minutes
of a kind of...

Musical t*rture?

Experimental t*rture.

- But we can finish strong.
- How?

I don't know.
What would Ms. Merkin do?

- I don't know.
- Aah!

Hey. Uh, hi.

I'm trained in trauma
and disaster counseling.

- Thank you. That's not helpful.
- Sorry.

Just... I'm trained, and
I'm available to do that, now.

Should we just not play anymore?

Like, at all? Ever?
As a group of people?

Wait, that's it.

- It is?
- No. Uh, yeah.

We're playing too much.

Uh, too many notes.
What if we have fewer choices?

I don't know what you mean,
but I love this tone of voice.

HARLEY and GINNY:
Myths, traditions.

- Go.
- HARLEY: All spring from the powerful effect

- of the long night...
- Go. Go.

...on the human heart.
The solstice.

- HARLEY and GINNY: When we look to the sky...
- Go ahead.

TINA: Mom, seriously,
go to Louise's thing.

Dad didn't make it,
but you can still go.

Linda, please, dear God,
don't leave me.

Ginny, we can handle this.

Linda, if you leave, I will die.

- I will die.
- Aah, this is a nightmare.

- What?
- Nothing.

Oh, no.
(panting)

Is it over?

Intermission.
What happened to you?

- Are-are your knees bleeding?
- Yes.

I'm worried about you, Bob.

Did you go around
and see what life

would've been like
if you had never been born

and someone punched you
and threw you out of a bar

and then you jumped in a river?

- It was a little like that.
- Well, that's actually better

than what's been happening here.

My ears feel like
your knees look.

Please, take your seats.

In a few minutes,
these brave sixth graders

will return to the stage.

(grunting) - We're just making
a few minor modifications.

Where you from, sir?

- Uh, here?
- Here. That's fun.

Born in a school auditorium,
ladies and gentlemen.

- (polite laughter)
- Done.

Okay, that was my crowd work.
I'm here all week.

Or possibly never again.
Hard to tell from that look.

(simple motif playing)

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

[♪ ♪]

I love this next poem.

Let's have a big hand
for Louise Belcher.

[♪ ♪]

(driving motif playing)

Good job, you star, you.

- HARLEY: Thank you.
- What the...

What did you do?
What did you do to Tina?

It was Tina's idea.

(gasps)

(clears throat)
What's Around the Tree,

by Louise Belcher.

I can't see
what's around the tree

when I'm pawing through
the presents, but when

I sit back and get
my present unwrapped,

I look up and I see my parents.

I see and smell my brother,
that's clearly

where the gas is.

And I see my sister...

(clears throat, sniffles)

...with something that looks
like gingerbread on her glasses.

And we don't have gingerbread,
so this is odd.

We made funny ornaments
for the tree

this year, and we make

funny ornaments, sitting here
around the tree

so jolly.

I didn't expect to feel

this way.
I was focusing on Santa,

but the best presents
are sitting here,

and they aren't even wrapped up.

[♪ ♪]

[♪ ♪]

[♪ ♪]

(music ends)

- BOB: Yay!
- (applause)

- Yes, yes!
- Yay!

- Yes, yes!
- Wow!

Bravo!

(applause fades out)

(singsongy):
You love your family.

Bup, bup, bup, bup.
Bup. Bup. Bup.

What are you girls
talking about back there?

About how Louise
loves her family.

- Okay, she knows.
- Aw... - You love us.

I think we should tour,
like a jam band,

like The Flaming Lips,
but with xylophones

- and we're in sixth grade.
- Yeah, I think you should.

Hi. I almost forgot.
I have your check. Good job.

It counts as half a day,
so it's $35.

- Oh. - Geez.
- Sorry.

Mm, that's fine.
Ooh, I should get going.

Uh, bye all.

Bye.

There goes the best damn

substitute music teacher
who knows nothing

about music that I've ever seen.

[♪ ♪]

[♪ ♪]

[♪ ♪]

♪ Come and sit ♪

♪ Around the tree ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Gifts are simply ♪

♪ Memories ♪

♪ Why don't you come ♪

♪ And sit around ♪

♪ The tree ♪

♪ With me. ♪