Addams Family, The (2019)

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Addams Family, The (2019)

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Watch The Addams Family on Amazon Instant Video Here.
(GROWLING)

(SPOOKY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING)

CHRISTINA AGUILERA: (SINGING)

There's no bell

When you call for me

You'll be falling for miles

(SPOOKY LAUGHTER ON ALARM)

I'm bewitched by your misery

But I love it when you smile

Let me know

what you want from me

Whisper "love" in my ears

Before you try

to get your hooks in me

I should warn you, my dear

My heart is a haunted house

Once you're in,

you ain't getting out

It's the trap

you've been waiting for

Ain't no windows,

ain't no doors

No escaping the way you feel

It's like a dream,

but you hope it's real

My, my, my heart

- M-m-m-my heart is a haunted

- CHOIR: Haunted house

(WOMAN WHIMPERS)

CHRISTINA AGUILERA:

M-m-m-my heart is a haunted

- CHOIR: Haunted house

- (VILLAGERS GASPING)

(VILLAGERS GRUMBLING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(PLAYING WEDDING MARCH)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

My love.

Cara mia.

(GASPS) The ring! The ring!

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Oh, Thing!

Best hand always has the ring!

PRIEST: Dearly be-loathed,

it is indeed a rare privilege

to see our family

gathered together

for this Addams tradition.

To commence this ceremony

and deliver these two

into the yawning void

of matrimony,

we put the lime in the coconut

and drink them both up.

(SLURPING)

(GUESTS GULPING)

(SOBBING)

(SUCKING)

I now pronounce you...

VILLAGER 1: Monsters!

VILLAGER 2: Freaks!

VILLAGER 3: Get out, Addams!

VILLAGER 4: You've been here

long enough!

VILLAGER 5: We've had

enough of your kind!

Addams aren't wanted here!

VILLAGER 6: Leave already!

(QUICKLY) I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

Quick, put the lime

in the coconut

and drink 'em both up!

(VILLAGERS CLAMORING)

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

VILLAGER 7: This is our home!

VILLAGER 8: You're not wanted!

VILLAGER 9:

We don't want you here!

Everyone, to the bridge!

(ALL GASP)

Fire!

VILLAGER: Fire!

(GUESTS SCREAMING)

(FESTER YELLING)

(ALL YELLING)

(VILLAGERS GASPING)

You two love bats

better fly out of here!

I'll hold them off!

Mazurka! (SCREAMS)

(VILLAGERS WHIMPERING)

(GRANDMA ULULATING)

Grab onto my hairy hump!

(FESTER GRUNTING)

I think I can see

my house from here. (ECHOING)

Oh, no.

That's a women's prison.

Oh, Gomez, why do hordes

of angry villagers

follow us everywhere we go?

We are safe, my love,

that is all that matters.

I want to find a new home

that is shrouded

from the world.

Someplace that is truly us.

Yes! Somewhere horrible!

Somewhere corrupt!

Somewhere that no one

in their right mind

would be caught dead in!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

GOMEZ: Unhappy, darling?

MORTICIA: Yes, completely.

Oh, Gomez,

you have torn down my walls

and stabbed your name

onto my heart.

(GOMEZ KISSING AND MOANING)

GOMEZ: My wan temptress,

your hand is as cold

as a dead fish.

My love, that is a dead fish.

Mmm, mmm...

So it is.

(GOMEZ CONTINUES KISSING)

Darling,

is that a wrinkle

I see on your pallid brow?

What's wrong?

We can't run forever, my love.

I want a home again.

I want our children

to grow up in peace.

I want to pick out

cemetery plots.

Morticia, I swear on my life

I will find us a new home.

And your every wish

shall be granted.

Mon amour.

(GASPS) French. You know

what that does to me. (GROWLS)

(MORTICIA SPEAKING FRENCH)

MALE SINGER ON RADIO:

(SINGING) Wild thing

You make my heart...

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- (MORTICIA GASPS)

- BOTH: We hit something!

- Is he all right?

- (MAN MOANS)

No, he seems

perfectly demented.

"State Hospital for

the Criminally Insane."

Gomez.

GOMEZ: That must be

the asylum.

MORTICIA: Oh, thank goodness.

A decent place

to sleep for the night.

(MOANING AND ROARING)

Hmm?

Thank you, old boy.

Lead the way.

(GROANS)

GOMEZ: It's quiet. Too quiet.

MORTICIA:

Must be the off-season.

(DOOR CREAKS, SLAMS)

GOMEZ: Hello?

(RATS SQUEAKING)

There's no one here.

Could it be abandoned?

GOMEZ: It's creepy. Kooky.

MORTICIA: Mysterious. Spooky.

(ORGAN PLAYING OMINOUS MUSIC)

- (STOPS PLAYING)

- Huh?

(PLAYS BEETHOVEN'S

5th SYMPHONY)

(PLAYS BACH'S

TOCCATA AND FUGUE)

(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)

(PLAYS HALLELUJAH CHORUS)

(PLAYS CLASSICAL TUNE)

(PLAYS CLASSICAL TUNE)

(PLAYS FANFARE)

(PLAYING ASCENDING SCALE)

(CONTINUES PLAYING)

- (PLAYING ADDAMS FAMILY THEME)

- (SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

(RUMBLING)

SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!

It's hideous.

It's horrible.

BOTH: It's home.

(RESUMES PLAYING

ADDAMS FAMILY THEME)

(RHYTHMIC THUNDERCLAP)

(ROMANTIC FLAMENCO

MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(KITTY ROARS)

(THUNDERCLAP)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(BABY COOING)

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUNDERCLAP)

(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGERS EXCLAIMING)

(WOMAN SHRIEKS)

(WIND HOWLING)

(BAT SQUEAKS)

What a lovely morning!

(SLAMS)

Nice try.

SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!

Oh, you're always so grumpy

before your morning coffee.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Better?

(SLURPING)

(SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE EXHALES)

(ALARM BLARING)

(MOANS FRUSTRATEDLY)

MORTICIA: (ON SPEAKERS)

Lurch,

it's time for breakfast.

(MOANING)

MORTICIA: Thing.

Have Ichabod

wake the children.

Lurch, would you mind

dusting the house?

LURCH: Mmm.

Slowly, Cleopatra.

I wouldn't want my favorite

African Strangler to choke.

(LURCH MOANS)

(VACUUM WHIRRING)

(SNORING)

(GASPS, SCREAMS)

WEDNESDAY: (SIGHS)

All right, Ichabod. I'm awake.

Not for long. (GRUNTS)

Real mature, Pugsley.

Oh, please.

You never threw an axe

when you were my age?

Of course I did.

I never missed.

How I wish something

would liven up

this already tedious day.

(YELPS)

(GRUNTS)

Thanks for trying, Ichabod.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)

(RINGING)

Hmm.

(GATE THUDDING)

- (GATE CREAKING)

- (GASPS)

(RAVENS CAWING)

GOMEZ: Pugsley?

Pugsley! It's time

for sword practice.

Pugsley!

PUGSLEY: Let the games begin.

(CHUCKLES WICKEDLY)

(expl*si*n)

(RUMBLING)

(BEEPS)

Here's Pugsley!

(DETONATOR BEEPS)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

GOMEZ: All right, son.

That's enough.

(SIGHS) They blow up

so fast these days.

(WIND WHISTLING)

(RAPID BEEPING)

Don't make me come up there!

(RAPID BEEPING)

This is your last warning!

(PARACHUTE TEARS)

(CRASHES)

(GROANING)

My head. Ow, ow, ow.

Pugsley, we're supposed to be

working on your swordplay.

Your Sabre Mazurka

is two weeks away,

and you've barely

practiced at all.

So I missed one practice.

What's the big deal?

The big deal?

The Sabre Mazurka

is the most important day

in a young man's life.

It's what makes you an Addams.

It's the day your entire

family gathers around you

and passes judgment on

your worth as a human being.

I hear it's like Thanksgiving.

But swords

are so old-fashioned.

I'm more of a demolitions man.

expl*sives have no place

in a Mazurka. Hand them over.

- All of them.

- (METAL CLATTERING)

And the TNT.

- And the M-80s.

- (CLATTERING CONTINUES)

Roman candles. Bang snaps.

Holy Hand Grenades.

- (SQUEAKING)

- (ROOSTER CROWS)

Son, our family hasn't been

all together in 13 years.

They are coming

from all over the world

to see you

on your special day.

I just want it

to go perfectly.

All right, Pop.

I'll practice.

That's my boy.

(METAL CLATTERS, BEEPING)

(RAPID BEEPING)

MORTICIA: (SNIFFS) Putrid.

Mmm. Horrifying.

I call spleen.

Mmm...

- Ah, ow...

- MORTICIA: Wednesday.

Please, no ink stains

on the table.

- Yes, Mother.

- (PUGSLEY MUMBLES)

(THUD)

Gomez, everyone we've invited

to the Mazurka

has threatened to come.

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

(SIGHS)

All Addamses

under one roof again.

Yes, but where will

everyone sleep?

We'll have Lurch fix up

the mausoleum.

It'll be like

sleepaway camp.

(expl*sive BEEPING)

- Very well, darling.

- (RAPID BEEPING)

- (expl*si*n)

- (FESTER SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

BOTH: Uncle Fester!

Brother!

(GROANING)

Don't worry, I'm okay.

The plate glass window

broke my fall.

Ha! Ha!

BOTH: (SINGING) Rick'em,

rack'em, roar'em, buzz

Addams is as Addams does

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

- I am thrilled you're here!

- (GRUNTS)

(FESTER CHUCKLES)

I'm not late, am I?

Actually, we weren't expecting

you for another two weeks.

Huh. So, not late.

I apologize, darling.

You see,

I asked Fester to come early

to help Pugsley

with his Mazurka practice.

Hey! (GRUNTING)

No! No!

(MUFFLED) Bad Kitty!

That's a bad Kitty!

If I'd known you were coming,

I would have prepared

the dungeon.

Please, don't worry.

I'll sleep in the attic.

You won't even know I'm here.

I've practiced that move

in a lot of people's homes.

- (CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)

- WEDNESDAY: Uncle,

can you tell us

what's beyond the gate?

- (TRAY CLATTERS)

- (LURCH GROANS)

Why ever would you

ask that, dear?

I heard a strange noise

in the fog earlier,

and I should like

to investigate.

There's nothing out there

but boring marshland.

There must be something.

We never go anywhere.

Who knows the untold horrors

we're missing out on.

MORTICIA: Darling,

we have all the horror

we need, right here.

Uncle Fester can go

wherever he likes.

Now, now,

there are some restrictions.

You know,

I can't go to the mall,

or a zoo, or a building...

When you're older,

you can travel

to your heart's content.

But for now,

it's safer for you here.

(SIGHS)

Socrates, come.

FESTER: ...South America,

Europe, China,

Asia, most parts of Africa.

I'm allowed in Antarctica!

(TV CLICKS)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: You're watching

Home, Art

and Garden television.

The world's a big place,

full of poor souls

who don't know the difference

between shiplap and Shinola.

Well, I'm here to help.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I take your

uninspired living space

and turn it into the perfect

palace of your dreams.

No matter how outdated your

design sense, I can help you.

My only flaw?

Sometimes I care too much.

(LAUGHS)

I'm Margaux Needler,

and I'm about to stage

a Design Intervention!

You're welcome in advance.

Today, we're putting

the finishing touches

on our biggest project yet.

Assimilation.

We didn't just

make over a house.

We made over a whole town!

And in just two weeks,

on our live season finale,

you will be able to buy

your very own

piece of Assimilation.

That's right!

In a Design Intervention

first,

we are putting a whole

neighborhood up for sale.

This will be

your chance to purchase

the house of your dreams

in the town of your dreams!

Sounds good?

I thought so.

Welcome to Assimilation,

neighbor.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: This program

brought to you

by Neighborhood Peeps.

Your neighbors are watching!

GLENN: And, we're out!

Love it. Perfect.

Let's set up

for the walk-through.

Margaux,

did that feel good to you?

No, Glenn.

We need more balloons,

more confetti.

- Roger that.

- What are we selling here?

Big dreams. You know

how you get big dreams?

- Uh...

- With big ratings.

- Got it.

- Double the balloons.

And I want

a blizzard of confetti.

I want so much confetti

that we need

snow patrols

to find lost children.

I bet my home improvement

empire on this town.

Every house must sell

or we're out of business!

- It's got to be perfect!

- PARKER: Mom!

You're never

gonna believe this.

What is it, Parker?

I found a creepy mansion

up on the hill!

I'm so glad you're exploring,

Parker,

but I don't have time

to talk right now, sweetheart.

Mama needs to help people.

I need help.

Aren't I people?

MARGAUX: (CHUCKLES)

Oh, you're cute.

Don't you have Chipper 'N'

Cheer practice this afternoon?

Run along, honey.

Now, Glenn, what are

the numbers we're expecting?

- Well, if you look here...

- Mom!

(GLENN CONTINUES

TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Ugh!

(KIDS CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)

- (PUGSLEY STRAINING)

- (WOOD CREAKING)

PUGSLEY: Left a bit. Up a bit.

Now, down a bit.

- (SNICKERS) Perfect.

- (LURCH GROANS)

And three, two, one...

- (AIR HORN BLARING)

- (GASPS)

(GROANS)

You made me miss!

Do you know how long

it took for me to set this up?

Look, Pugsley...

Your Mazurka's coming up,

and, well, you're not ready.

Even if I am the only one

who sees it.

So, pay attention,

and you might actually

get through this.

PUGSLEY: Wait.

You're going to help me?

Why?

Because you are my brother.

And... (ECHOES) I love you.

(FOREBODING MUSIC BUILDS UP)

All right.

How are you gonna help me?

You see that hole over there?

Go stand beside it.

Uh... That hole?

That hole.

PUGSLEY: Mmm...

I don't get it.

(WIND BLOWING)

PUGSLEY: Whoa.

- (SHOVEL CLANGS)

- (BODY THUDS)

Darling, not to criticize,

(GRUNTS)

but is that really

as tight as you can make it?

(SIGHS) I'm sorry, Gomez.

I'm just a bit preoccupied

with the Mazurka preparations.

- Oh, I am as well! (EXCLAIMS)

- (CLAMP CREAKING)

I fear Pugsley

is overconfident

and doesn't truly understand

the importance

of this tradition.

Good news, everybody.

Pugsley's gone.

MORTICIA: Wednesday,

I know that tone of voice.

Dig up your brother. At once.

(SIGHS) You're weakening

the gene pool.

MORTICIA: Hold on.

What do you have there?

I'm not sure.

I like it.

It's so... What's the word?

The opposite of sad?

Darling, bring that to me.

Strange, there's usually

a murderous clown

attached to the other

end of these.

(GASPS) Wednesday, don't move!

What, in the name of

all that is unholy, is that?

(SMACKS LIPS)

It tastes like cotton candy.

How do you know

what cotton candy tastes like?

Tish, it was my youth.

I made mistakes.

Wednesday, wherever did

this pink thing come from?

WEDNESDAY: Outside.

They're everywhere.

(DOOR OPENS)

FESTER: Strangest weather

system I've ever seen.

(PUGSLEY SNARLING)

What is that?

Where's it coming from?

GOMEZ: Wait, wait, wait.

The fog, it's lifting.

Well, that would

only happen if...

Someone drained the marsh.

But who?

MORTICIA: A town.

This is not good.

We must go down there

and introduce ourselves

at once.

This day is becoming

most wonderfully disruptive.

(PLAYING LIVELY TUNE)

GLENN: Let's keep going

with the run-through, okay?

MARGAUX: Welcome back.

I'm so delighted

to show you my house.

You can own one just like it,

just less large.

Blah, blah, blah.

Sconces, crown molding.

Which leads us to what I call

the Salon de Grand.

Cross here, turn,

and then say something like,

"Now, before I show you

this view,

"go to an antique store,

"buy a chair,

and reupholster it.

"'Cause you're gonna

wanna sit down for this."

What? What's the matter?

For heaven's sake,

what's going on?

Do I have something

in my teeth? What is it?

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CAR HORN HONKS)

MORTICIA:

Not a single gargoyle.

GOMEZ: Maybe this isn't

such a bad thing.

We have been

isolated here for a while.

FESTER: I could really

see myself dying here.

Play nice, Kitty.

- (KITTY ROARS)

- (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Well, no one is running at us

with torches and pitchforks,

so that's a plus.

You know, darling,

I don't think we'll need

to put the family

in the mausoleum.

They can stay here!

The family

would never be comfortable.

It will be years

- before rust and decay set in.

- (WOMAN GASPS)

How you doing?

It's all so... different.

Pugsley, don't drink it all.

This gentleman

wants some, too.

- (WHIMPERS SOFTLY)

- GOMEZ: Sir, it's all right.

- He's had all his sh*ts!

- (MAN YELPS)

What a nervous man.

Come on, Tish, let's

explore the neighborhood.

I'm gonna pop in here

for two minutes

and I'll meet you in

the town square. Agreed?

Very well, darling.

- (DOOR BELL JINGLES)

- Good day, all.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Don't let me interrupt

your cup of joe

or whoever you have in there.

So, what's dark and bitter

here other than yours truly?

(NERVOUSLY) We have the

Madagascar Emerald Peaberry,

in a summer patchouli roast.

It has notes of oak,

cherry, and yoga.

Hmm. You know, I'm looking

for something a bit stronger.

Ah! Let me try that.

(CRUNCHING)

Mmm! Morticia, you have

to try these coffee grounds.

They have a wonderful grit!

Just a moment,

what am I hearing?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) This is where

we all belong, yeah

Everybody come together

Sing our song, sing our song

Life is really perfect

We are one big family, yeah

Everything is so much better

When I'm like you

and you're like me

What's so great

about being yourself

When you can be

like everyone else?

Wow, that is

absolutely horrible!

It's easy to be happy

when you have no choice

Yes, it's easy to be happy

when you have no choice

Hold on,

unless I miss my guess here,

I believe that is

supposed to be music.

They're greeting us with

one of their

traditional songs.

Well, then,

we ought to do the same.

Wonderful idea, Fester.

Isn't it great

when we are all together?

Say it again

until you believe it

- I believe it

- (ALL GRUNTING)

We believe it

(BLOWS PIPE)

- (MUSIC STOPS)

- (PEOPLE EXCLAIM)

(SINGING)

I'd tip my hat to you

I'd do just that

(SCATTING)

Take it right off for you,

But I haven't got a hat

(SCATTING)

I'm just a college boy,

even at that

(SCATTING)

I'd tip my hat to you

But I haven't got a hat

- (SCATTING)

- (BATS SCREECHING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

What? What'd I do?

How rude.

Gomez, we should return home.

Morticia,

this is not the old country.

True, these people

are a little different.

But deep down,

we're all the same.

- (MAN SCREAMING)

- (KITTY ROARS)

We have to give them a chance.

Get to know them.

We have to win them over.

- "Win them over"?

- (BRAKES SQUEAL)

Well, good morning, neighbor!

Margaux Needler.

Gomez Addams.

At your service.

My wife, Morticia.

Charmed.

GOMEZ: Our children,

Wednesday, Pugsley.

And my brother, Fester.

- Hey, neighbor!

- (MARGAUX GASPS)

You know, we can see

right into your windows?

(NERVOUSLY)

Nice to, uh, meet you.

As your neighbor,

I'd like to offer you

the opportunity of a lifetime.

How'd you like

a free home makeover

from a world-renowned

interior designer?

It will be a challenge,

but I can beautify that

old house of yours so fast,

it'll make your head spin.

I don't wanna brag,

but mine already does that.

Look.

- (NECK CRACKING)

- (CHUCKLES)

I should like to see what this

plastic woman has to offer.

Yes, well... When is

a good time to stop by?

- Actually, Ms. Needler...

- (CLEARS THROAT)

Darling...

Stop by anytime you'd like.

Oh, wonderful!

Then it's settled.

I'll see you at your house,

first thing tomorrow.

You're welcome in advance! Ta!

- (TIRES SCREECH)

- (GLENN GASPS)

That woman seems deranged.

Her face reminds me

of a death mask.

"Deranged"? "Death mask"?

You tell me

she's got halitosis,

and I'm hearing wedding bells!

(RAVEN CROWING)

(PLAYS CEREMONIAL MUSIC)

GOMEZ: Pugsley, this is

the Addams family saber.

300 years of Addams

have danced the Mazurka

with this blade.

Uh-uh.

Only when

you've shown me you're ready.

Your father was the greatest

swordsman in Addams history.

His Mazurka

was the stuff of legends.

So no pressure!

It's all right here,

in the Mazurka handbook.

Every Addams performs

this rite of passage

to show that you're prepared

to defend your family.

It sounds easy,

but believe me, it's insane!

Fester, hand him

the goo-goo-ga-ga

baby training sword.

- (SWORD SQUEAKS)

- Pop?

Has anyone

ever failed the Mazurka?

Once.

Your third cousin, Xander.

Never heard of him.

Exactly.

Music!

(GONG CRASHES)

There's someone at the door.

Hi, guys. I'm going up

to this creepy mansion.

If you don't hear from me

in 30 minutes, send backup.

(DOOR CREAKS)

(SLURRING) You rang?

Yeah, no.

Life's too short. See ya!

(GROWLING SOFTLY)

MARGAUX: Oh!

GOMEZ: (CHUCKLES)

Good morning, Kitty.

Greetings, Ms. Needler.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Wow. (CLEARS THROAT)

Good morning!

I hope this isn't a bad time.

The worst. Do come in.

Glenn?

- (ROARS)

- (GLENN SHRIEKS)

- (PANTING)

- (MARGAUX CLEARS THROAT)

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Thank you.

Oh, my! Hmm.

Are you ready

for your Margaux makeover?

Quite.

Pugsley's been climbing

the walls in anticipation.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

MARGAUX: Well, well, well!

Let's take a look around,

shall we?

And before you say anything,

you're welcome.

Now, if we're trying for

a more contemporary look,

well, these sconces

have to go.

(MITCH YELPS)

The sconces were a gift

from dead relatives.

If we get rid of them,

they'll be terribly hurt

the next time they visit.

And this is our whine cellar.

We have a lovely

collection of whines.

WHINER 1: Are we there yet?

WHINER 2: I want ice cream!

WHINER 3: What do you mean

you're out of avocado toast?

WHINER 4: This barrel

makes me look fat.

And here's our bottomless pit.

(HOLLOW RUMBLING)

DENISE: Uh...

How do we get across?

One moment.

(CHITTERING)

We call this surfing the web.

(DENISE GULPS)

MARGAUX: Well!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

DENISE: I'm scared.

- I'm so scared.

- (GLENN WHIMPERING)

- Oh, my gosh.

- (DENISE PRAYING IN SPANISH)

DENISE: I'm scared

to close my eyes.

I'm scared to open them.

(SCREAMING)

- (WHIMPERING)

- (DENISE YELPS)

(SOBS)

(ROPE CREAKING)

(SIGHS)

(GASPS)

How do all those people fit

in that little contraption?

(PARKER YELPS)

My vanity mirror only

imprisons 14 souls at a time.

(PARKER WHIMPERS)

Uh, you don't

have a cell phone?

That's weird.

I may not have a cell phone...

Well, you don't

have a crossbow,

and I thought

everybody had one of those.

Mmm.

My name is Wednesday.

Okay.

Uh, I'm Parker.

How long have you lived here?

My whole life.

Which seems endless.

PARKER: I've never

seen you at school.

I'm cage-schooled.

- Excuse me?

- It's terribly dull,

but my mother insists.

(SKIN SQUEAKS)

I'm actually

cutting cage right now.

(PUGSLEY SNARLING)

Uh, okay.

So, what happens

at your school?

Uh, not much, just friends

turning on each other.

Girls making other girls

feel bad about themselves.

Typical junior high stuff.

WEDNESDAY: Intriguing.

Can anyone go to your school?

I guess so. But who'd want to?

FESTER: Wednesday!

Great sh*t!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(GIBBERISH CHANTING)

(MARGAUX SCREAMS)

(SCREECHING)

(MARGAUX PANTING)

Mr. and Mrs. Addams,

there's really not much to do

to make this place perfect.

All we have to do

is pull down the side walls,

and then also break down

the other two walls.

(MOANS)

Open up the ceiling

by breaking it irreversibly.

Just get this nasty little

floor out of the way,

and there you go. With just

those little touches...

Stop! Right there!

Don't touch another thing!

It's perfect.

Ms. Needler, you have a gift.

The good news is I can have

a makeover crew up here

and swinging hammers

first thing in the morning.

What do you say?

We thought you were finished.

Our whole family

is coming in two weeks.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Our finale!

(NORMAL TONE)

Our finale is in two weeks.

Thank you, Glenn.

It's a gracious offer,

Ms. Needler,

but you really

have done enough.

It's our son's Mazurka.

You understand.

Thank you.

(LURCH MOANS)

Uh, we're missing Mitch.

Where's Mitch?

SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!

- Mitch who?

- (BOTH SCREAMING)

(GLENN WAILING)

Gomez, I'll be blunt.

I have 50 houses

to sell down there,

and their view of your

property is, well, off-brand.

- Fifty houses?

- Yes.

You know,

ever since my family

was chased out

from the old country,

my one dream has been

to find a place

we could call home.

Once they see Assimilation,

(GASPS) I think they'll

want to stay for good.

(MARGAUX EXCLAIMS)

Thank you so much

for coming by, Membrane.

It's Margaux!

Well then, run, Margaux!

- (GATE CREAKS)

- Run, run, run!

(GATE BELCHES)

That Wednesday girl

is a freak.

We're about to be invaded

by a whole army of freaks.

It's tragic when people

can't accept

the help they so badly need.

And when that happens,

well, another kind of

intervention is called for.

MORTICIA: I agree, Gomez.

The whole family moving here

would be a dream come true.

But I don't trust

that Margaux woman.

She's an eccentric, darling,

give her a chance.

"Rasp-berry preserves."

(SNIFFS) Mmm.

Must be some kind

of scented embalming fluid.

(GASPS)

Wednesday,

practice your lurking

on someone

other than your father.

He's too easy.

Much better.

Mother, Father,

I'd like to speak with you.

What's on your mind,

my little nightcrawler?

I spoke with Parker

this afternoon.

She's the daughter

of that talking mannequin

who came by.

She told me about

a communal school

all the neighborhood children

attend.

It's called "junior high."

"Junior high"...

Yes, yes,

I have read about those

in my abnormal

psychology journals.

Anyone of age can enroll.

I think it would be

good for me.

Well, I think

it's a capital idea.

What of your studies here?

Your taxidermy

is coming along so well.

Mother,

would you really deprive me

of the opportunity to torment

children my own age?

Ah, she makes a point.

What's more,

with Wednesday in school,

we'd get to know

the people here even better.

Well, Mother?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(KIDS EXCLAIMING)

Have a good day

at school, dear.

Do your worst!

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

Ah. Now I understand.

This is a children's prison.

TWINS: Who's that?

PARKER: Great.

This is Wednesday.

Hello.

- (TWINS GASP)

- BETHANY: Hey, Parker.

(PARKER GASPS)

I got something for ya.

(CHUCKLES)

A moldy sandwich?

You're slipping, Bethany.

You know what?

You're right.

- (BOY GRUNTING)

- Let's kick it up a notch.

(GIRLS GASP, GIGGLE)

(BETHANY LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

You have no sense of humor!

(GIRLS GIGGLE)

GIRL: Did you see her face?

BETHANY: I know.

Bethany, is it?

Don't cut your eyes on my crew

unless you're ready to dance.

What did you say,

little ghoul?

I don't think you understand.

I'm not locked up in here

with you, Bethany.

You're locked up in here

with me.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCOFFS)

Whatever.

LAYLA: What did you do?

You shouldn't have said that.

There's nothing you can do.

Bethany's way too popular.

Popularity is fleeting.

I prefer to set my sights

on something

a little more challenging.

ALL: Like what?

- The establishment.

- (GIRLS GASP)

(MARGAUX SCATTING)

Let's see.

Who shall I be today?

How about...

Ah, Shelly Longbottom,

on Sugar Ridge Lane.

From Shelly Longbottom

to everyone,

"Did you hear

"about those Addams people?"

Question mark.

"Someone told me

they're wanted in 30 states."

(CELL PHONES CHIMING)

You know they're raising

a garden of man-eating plants?

And feeding them our pets!

Has anyone seen

my Shih Tzu Fee-fee?

They're gonna turn us

all into zombies.

Where are they from anyways?

It doesn't matter!

It's obvious

they don't belong here.

Honey! Oh, those awful people

up on the hill.

They're not even

on Neighborhood Peeps!

Well, that's suspicious.

MAN 1: If other people

are scared, then I'm scared.

MAN 2: I believe

everything I read.

WOMAN: If someone posted it,

it must be true.

MAN 3: You invite

one family in,

then all the families come in.

WOMAN 2: Do you think

we should investigate?

I'm turning grey.

MAN 4: I'm worried

for the children!

MAN 2: We need

to talk to Margaux!

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

Open your books. Page 43.

Follow the instructions.

- (SCOFFS) Yuck.

- Oh.

I've done this

thousands of times.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

- (METAL CLANKING)

- (DRILL WHIRRING)

GIRL: Huh?

(GASPS)

- (CRANKING, DRILLING)

- (STUDENTS GASP AND EXCLAIM)

(STUDENTS MURMURING)

Flip the switch!

(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING)

(ALL GASPING)

Give my creature life!

(STUDENTS WHIMPERING)

Live!

Live, I tell you, live!

(STUDENTS SCREAMING)

(SHRIEKS)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

- (STUDENTS WHIMPERING)

- (FROG CROAKING)

It's alive! It's alive!

(ALL GASPING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROAKS)

(GASPS)

- (FROGS CROAKING)

- (STUDENTS SCREAMING)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Get them off me!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Zombie frogs!

Bethany's changed her look.

It suits her.

Awesome. Totally awesome.

It is an honor...

...and a privilege...

BOTH: ...to watch you work.

Hey. Do you wanna

go to the mall?

Why not? I haven't seen

a good mauling in ages.

(PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ TUNE)

It's late. I'm worried.

GOMEZ: Darling,

Wednesday will be fine.

She can take care of herself.

It's not Wednesday

I'm worried about.

It's the rest of them. We may

need to provide an alibi.

My love, it's game night.

Wednesday will be home soon,

so why don't you

come and join us?

Oh, very well. F-6.

Pugsley,

you heard your mother.

Blow F-6!

PUGSLEY: Fire in the hole!

FESTER: I'm king of the world!

(SINGING)

Near, far, wherever...

- (RUBBER DUCK SQUEAKS)

- (RAPID BEEPS)

(expl*si*n)

(ROOF CRUMBLING)

(PANTS EXCITEDLY) Yes!

You sunk my battleship.

Ha-ha! Well done, Pugsley!

(CLINKING)

Hello, my uglies!

Mother! I thought

I felt my skin crawling!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Grandma, what a surprise.

I thought you were in Prague.

I was!

They caught me smuggling

crocodiles out of the zoo.

But I escaped

and talked my way

onto a Somali pirate ship.

We got into

a heated poker game

and I cleaned them out.

(CHUCKLES)

- Cheating or robbery?

- GRANDMA: Both!

Always remember, Pugsley,

it ain't cheating

if no one catches you.

(SNIFFS) I haven't bathed

in two weeks. Ugh.

Or is it months?

Ha! That reminds me.

Guess what I've got, Pugsley?

- Candy!

- Oh, yes!

MORTICIA: But the Mazurka

isn't for a week.

Why are you here so early?

Gomez said you needed

a little help with the party.

And I said, I got my son ready

for his Mazurka,

so of course, I'm going to do

the same for my grandson.

I love him!

It's true! I sent for her!

I can't believe you bothered

your mother with that,

darling.

Neither can I?

He said you were

in over your head.

Thank you, Mother!

Said you were more tense

than he's ever seen you.

- I didn't say that exactly.

- GRANDMA: Yes, you did.

You said that exactly.

Said he was worried

you'd have a massive facial

expression and... (GROANS)

You know, I'm starving!

Let's eat!

Not until Wednesday gets home.

Where is that

granddaughter of mine?

I got something for her!

(LOUD CLANG)

Ah, there's my

little storm cloud!

Wednesday,

where have you been?

WEDNESDAY: Elsewhere.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MORTICIA GASPS)

(BAT SQUEAKING, SLURPING)

What are you wearing?

Parker calls it

a pop of color.

While I certainly

appreciate a horse

with a spear

through its head,

the color is...

She claims

it brings out my smile.

Wednesday,

you don't have a smile.

Turns out

I have a lot of things

you don't know about.

(LURCH MOANS)

GRANDMA: (GASPS)

I see I got here just in time.

You were right to call, Gomez.

I'll talk to her.

Hand me that bear trap.

Thank you, Grandma.

But I will handle this.

Ah, suit yourself.

When you're done with Fabio,

send him up to my room.

- Ooh-hoo-hoo.

- LURCH: Oh, boy!

MORTICIA: Wednesday.

How would you like

to join me tomorrow

after the school for tea

and sance in the cemetery?

Is attendance mandatory?

Come now, my little raven.

You did so love it

when you were younger.

If you like, Mother.

Sleep well, dear.

Don't forget to kick

your father good night.

- (POP MUSIC PLAYING)

- (SIZZLES)

PARKER: What's your

favorite filter?

I don't know. I look black

and white in all of them.

PARKER: You know,

when I met you,

I thought you were

super weird.

But now,

I think you're really cool.

I concur.

You're not completely devoid

of merit yourself.

I wanna say "thank you"...

(CREAKING)

Oh, how'd that barrette

you bought yesterday

go over at home?

Actually, my mother's reaction

was, well, unexpected.

She was accepting.

It depressed me.

One never wants to see

one's mother that way.

But I must admit,

walking around in something

so garish, so grotesque...

I was shocked

how thrilling it felt.

(SIGHS) I wish

I could do that.

But my mom makes me

wear this stuff,

and it's just so...

I believe the word you're

looking for is "unfortunate."

Ugh. I'd love to

just go crazy

and wear something

that would shock her.

Well, Parker,

you're in luck.

You happen to be talking

to the queen of shock.

(HAUNTING ARIA PLAYING)

(CAWING)

(CRYSTAL BALL RINGING)

Hello, Mother.

GRANDMA FRUMP:

Where's my little wraith?

(SIGHS) Wednesday

still hasn't arrived.

We agreed to come up here

for tea and sance,

and now it seems

she stood me up.

GRANDMA FRUMP: Morticia!

Can you hear me?

GRANDPA FRUMP:

You're not doing it right.

- Press that button there.

- GRANDMA FRUMP: I did! I did!

GRANDPA FRUMP:

Did you hear it click?

GRANDMA FRUMP: Morticia!

GRANDPA FRUMP:

It's supposed to be on

- when you hear the click.

- Wait, I see something.

GRANDPA FRUMP: You did it!

GRANDMA FRUMP: Hello, darling!

Now, where's my granddaughter?

Just what I said.

I think she's distancing

herself from me.

GRANDMA FRUMP: Oh,

she's wrapped in a black hole

of emptiness and longing,

like all of us Frump women.

- GRANDPA FRUMP: Wednesday?

- It's not Wednesday!

- GRANDPA FRUMP: Who's this?

- It's me, Father.

GRANDPA FRUMP: Morticia?

What's wrong with you now?

The world can be so cruel.

And all she wants to do

is run toward it.

GRANDMA FRUMP:

She's a lot like you that way.

You wanted to see the world.

Find yourself.

Serve time!

GRANDPA FRUMP: Listen,

Morticia, remember the time

you ran away

and joined the Girl Scouts?

We were so worried

you were on a bad path.

But when you found out

that campfires

were for roasting marshmallows

and not other Girl Scouts,

well, you got bored

and you came home.

GRANDMA FRUMP:

We were so relieved.

GRANDPA FRUMP:

Trust Wednesday.

Like you,

she'll do the right thing.

Thank you, Father.

That's most comforting.

GRANDPA FRUMP: Good.

Wait a second.

When did I die?

GRANDMA FRUMP: 20 years ago.

GRANDPA FRUMP: Oh, right.

Happy anniversary, darling.

All right, Pugsley, let's,

uh, go through it again.

You got this, Pugsley.

This Mazurka's nothing.

- (SLURPS)

- (LIQUID SLOSHES)

- You eat swords for breakfast.

- (BELCHES)

You just got a case

of pre-ball jitters.

It's way more common

than you think.

If a Mazurka lasts

for more than four hours,

contact your doctor.

From the top.

Music!

(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)

(WHIMPERS)

(CHOKES)

(HIGH-PITCHED MOAN)

Pugsley,

I can honestly say

that was most definitely

a thing you did.

(CHUCKLES) A question,

what in heaven's name was it?

The Sabre Mazurka.

(GASPS)

You know what?

You've been practicing hard.

Why don't we

call it a day? Hmm?

- Hit the showers, kid.

- (SLAPS)

So, we're finished?

Ah, yes.

Yes, son. We are

most certainly finished.

Mmm. Okay. Thanks, Pop.

Thanks, Uncle Fester.

(SIGHS)

This is a complete disaster!

How did this happen?

And he's going

to make a fool of himself

in front of everyone!

Gomez, you gotta calm down!

There's still a day

to get him ready!

Fester, a year wouldn't be

enough to get him ready.

I've failed him, Fester.

I tried to raise him to be

an Addams, but I failed.

They're going

to eat him alive.

(SINGING) I like it like that

Ooh, baby

I said I like it like that

Ooh, baby,

I like it like that

All right. Thank you.

Grandma,

we already have a band.

They came highly recommended

from the mortuary.

Oh.

(SCOFFS) I'm sure

they're good.

My sister Sloom is

going to be judging Pugsley.

And if things aren't done

the traditional way,

she won't be happy,

and the Mazurka

could be a disaster!

But what do I know?

Fine.

SHRUNKEN HEAD 1:

Yay, we got the gig!

SHRUNKEN HEAD 2: We got it!

- Ah, one more thing...

- (LOUD BANGING)

Oh, someone's at the door.

I'd better go see who it is.

(SHRUNKEN HEADS

CONTINUE EXCLAIMING)

(DOOR CLANGS)

(GASPS)

(SINGING) What's so great

about being yourself

When you can be like

everyone else?

Do not speak

to your mother that way.

How dare you

enter this house like that.

Wait, where are your tattoos?

Oh, thank the stars!

- Where were you?

- Hanging out with Parker.

Is this why you skipped

tea and sance?

Your grandparents

were trying to contact you.

Holy Hades!

Whoever did that to you,

Wednesday,

I hope the other guy

looks worse.

Nobody did this to me.

This is my new look.

Do you like it?

I do not like it.

Everyone knows pink

is a gateway color.

I warned you about sending her

to public school.

Don't worry.

Wednesday is never

going to that school again.

- What?

- MORTICIA: In fact,

she's never leaving

this house again.

Wow, that's some evil eye

she's got there.

No, that dead-eye stare

is new.

And I think I know

where she got it.

Hey, guys, this is me now.

If you like it, hit "like,"

but who cares if you like it.

- I'm living my truth.

- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(SCREAMS) Parker?

- Who did this to you?

- I did.

This is my new look, Mother.

I decided that from now on,

I choose my clothes, not you.

Argh! This is that little

creep Wednesday Addams' work!

She's not a creep.

She's just not like you.

Why can't you ever let

people be different?

Because it's my calling

to make everyone the same.

(HISSING) Too bright!

It burns! (GROANING)

Good! Maybe it'll burn away

the weird!

I hate it here!

Everything's boring

and fake and bright,

like plastic flowers!

Like you!

Parker!

Plastic flowers live forever.

Now, you go think

about that in your room.

With no social media.

No! Please, no.

Anything but that!

Now go wipe that depressing

goop off your face.

(SCOFFS) You first!

Oh! Those Addamses

have gone too far this time.

I think they're going to need

a little more help.

Hey!

Where are you going?

A friend's.

I hold people prisoner,

not the other way around.

Good luck with your Mazurka.

Wait, you're leaving?

Who's gonna torment me

every day?

Living under this roof is

all the torment you'll need.

Besides, our parents

have made it clear

that the only way

to be accepted in this family

is to be exactly like them.

I can't play

by those rules anymore.

Farewell, brother Pugsley.

Tomorrow, you become a man.

And I become a fugitive.

Always kinda knew

it'd end up like this.

Just didn't think

it'd be so soon.

WEDNESDAY: I'll never

forget you, Pugsley!

But I'll try.

Pugsley, have you seen

your sister?

She's not in her room.

PUGSLEY: Mmm...

Pugsley. Where's Wednesday?

Um... Tsk.

Tick, tock,

tick, tock, Mother.

You're getting very sleepy.

Pugsley...

She did not go

to her friend's house.

She went to

her friend's house?

I repeat, she did not

go to her friend's...

(PUGSLEY GROANS)

(SIGHS)

(MELLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SINGING) When the day is long

And the night

The night is yours alone

When you're sure

- You've had enough

- (SIGHS)

Of this life

Hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries

And everybody hurts

- (WINDOW CREAKS)

- (GASPS)

Sometimes

I shall be staying with you

for a while.

(SINGING) Everybody hurts

MAN: (ON PHONE)

If this doesn't work,

the next house we flip

is gonna land on you.

Marty, listen to me.

Tomorrow, our finale

will be the biggest half hour

your network has ever aired.

There's just one more thing

to take care of.

This better be good

or you won't be able

to get a job as a doormat.

Yes, yes, yes.

I intend to bring

the house down.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

SNOOP DOGG: (SINGING)

When the pimp's in the crib ma

Drop it like it's hot

Drop it like it's hot

Drop it like it's hot

When the pigs try

to get at you

Park it like it's hot

Park it like it's hot

Park it like it's hot

And if a... get a attitude

Pop it like it's hot

Pop it like it's hot

Pop it like it's hot

I got the Rolly on my arm

and I'm pouring Chandon

And I roll the best...

'cause I got it going on

(GONG CRASHES)

(DRONING) You rang?

It. Cousin. You made it!

(IT GIBBERS)

Please, come in.

Make yourself at home.

(IT GIBBERING)

Where did she hide my phone?

I haven't been able

to post a photo of my lunch

in almost three days!

And what about in there?

That's my mom's crafting room.

No one is allowed in there.

Then that's where it is.

Weird.

(LEVER CLICKS)

Whoa.

Hidden depths.

PARKER: What is this?

There's Mr. Haney

making a sandwich.

And that guy trying to put

a tiny tuxedo on his cat.

- MR. FLYNN: Sit still!

- That's Mr. Flynn.

MR. FLYNN: Why are you

being so difficult?

- (CAT YOWLS)

- Trying to make you

- look handsome.

- My money's on the cat.

And there's our science

teacher, Ms. Gravely,

putting her underwear

in the freezer?

My mom must have built

hidden cameras

into all of the houses.

WEDNESDAY:

She really is psycho.

- MARGAUX: Parker!

- Whoa!

Hey, Mom.

We were just looking for you.

What have I told you

about Mommy's crafting room?

Sorry to do this,

but standards must be upheld.

Parker, someday you'll

understand, and, Wednesday...

Well, anyway, Parker.

- (GRUNTING)

- (DOOR RATTLES)

(SIGHS) My mom

has a lair and a jail?

I knew I should have picked

to live with my dad.

- We're gonna be on TV!

- (EXCITED CHATTER)

Are we gonna be famous?

DENISE: Glenn, what do you

want in the frame?

- Okay, everyone, listen up.

- (WOMAN SHUSHING)

It's the last run-through

before the finale,

so let's try this

one last time, okay?

We're gonna sh**t across

the town square to the gazebo

where Margaux

will make her grand entrance.

So everyone will be

walking this direction

across the square.

Judy, you start here,

Ken, you're gonna follow Judy.

You can stand right here

and...

Uh, is there

a bathroom nearby?

(GASPS) Uh...

(HUSHED VOICE)

Margaux, they're here!

MARGAUX: (ON PHONE)

What are you talking about?

They're here!

The Addams family!

- (MAN EXCLAIMING)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MAN SCREAMING)

Pardon me.

(GLENN YELPS)

Excuse me.

What are we gonna do?

What we always do, Glenn.

Help people.

"The Addams monsters

are planning

"to att*ck the town tonight!"

Exclamation point.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

"Meet at Margaux's house now."

Mmm? Oh.

Salutations, Addams.

We're here!

Petunia, I love what

you've done with your hair.

Thanks, I just had it mowed.

Please, come in.

Make yourself uncomfortable.

- Uncle Onion!

- (VOCALIZES)

- It's been so long!

- Voil!

Yes, so disappointed

to see you.

Ah, you always manage

to bring a tear to my eye!

(KISSES LOUDLY)

Greetings, Dr. Flambe!

How you doing?

- I'm on fire!

- Good!

This party's gonna be lit!

Ah, Auntie Sloom.

Auntie Sloom!

You are as radiant

as a barrel of nuclear waste.

Where is the boy?

Pugsley?

- (PUGSLEY GRUNTING)

- Ah, there you are.

Come down and say hello

- to your Auntie Sloom.

- Ahh!

Gomez, this tradition is not

to be taken lightly.

I trust that the boy

has been properly trained.

Yes, once you see how we've...

It's bad enough this Mazurka

is taking place in New Jersey.

Now, where are the dregs?

I'm thirsty.

MARGAUX: (ON MEGAPHONE)

You've seen them!

You've heard the stories

on Neighborhood Peeps!

Those Addams aren't people,

they're monsters!

And now, there's

an infestation of them!

They're here to destroy

our beautiful community

and turn it into a place

that no Design Intervention

can save!

Addams aren't wanted here!

They're monsters!

They're all monsters!

We need to destroy them first!

Who's with me?

We'll be revealing

Assimilation

and all of you to our audience

in just an hour.

Our last chance to help

these people is now.

Bill, John, do you still have

that lovely catapult?

BILL AND JOHN: Yes, we do!

Are you sure about this?

MAN 1: We can't let them ruin

our neighborhood!

MAN 2: Let's do it!

WOMAN: I want them out!

No one torments

my family but me.

Hair clip, please.

Okay.

(CLICKS)

- (GASPS)

- Cage school 101.

HEAD ADDAMS:

He'd better be ready

or Auntie Sloom

will have his head!

FEMALE ADDAMS:

He looks very small.

MALE ADDAMS 1: That kid's

got some big shoes to fill.

MALE ADDAMS 2: I certainly

hope the boy's ready.

Well, I'm not going

easy on him.

(PLAYING UPBEA SPOOKY MUSIC)

FESTER: Heads up.

(SINGERS VOCALIZING)

Hey, alto, you're flat.

(IT GIBBERING)

(LAUGHTER)

Sloom.

- Sister.

- Darling, I...

I know the last time

we saw each other,

we had that horrible fight.

And I just wanted to tell you,

from the bottom of my heart,

I won that fight!

And I was glad I cheated!

You won?

Still a sore loser, as always!

I want a rematch!

Right here! Right now!

Auntie Sloom?

Can I get you anything?

When's the Mazurka?

Soon, soon.

Our daughter Wednesday

isn't here yet.

If your daughter

can't be on time,

then we will begin

without her!

Very well, Auntie Sloom.

(LAUGHING)

- Attention, please. Attention!

- (GLASS CLINKS)

(CRUNCHES, GULPS)

The hour is upon us.

Places!

(PLAYING CEREMONIAL MUSIC

ON ORGAN)

We gather today to witness

my son, Pugsley Addams,

perform his Sabre Mazurka.

(ORGAN CONTINUES PLAYING)

He will begin with a reading

from the Terror,

which commemorates

our cries in battle.

(IT GIBBERS)

(WAILING HOWL)

(IT GIBBERS)

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)

And now,

the transition into manhood.

(IT GIBBERS)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(STRAINING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(CLEARS THROAT)

And now, the Sabre Mazurka.

(EXCITED MURMURING)

Hold still.

The Addams mustache.

Now you're ready.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SWORD THUDS)

(CLANGING)

(ALL GASPING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(ALL GASP)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(GUESTS MURMURING)

GOMEZ: Pugsley?

I give up.

I can't do it, Pop.

GUESTS: Oh.

I'm sorry.

I let you down.

You haven't

let me down, Pugsley.

I let you down.

I was so focused

on doing things

the traditional way,

I forgot to let you

be who you are.

(ALL GASPING)

MARGAUX: (ON MEGAPHONE)

Hey!

Are ya ready

for your Margaux makeover now?

It's Margaux.

She must have turned

the whole town

into stark raving lunatics.

Well, I have to admit,

I admire her work.

BILL: Let's do this thing!

It's locked and loaded,

Margaux.

Let's go get 'em!

We've had enough!

Fire!

(ALL WHIMPERING)

SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!

(PANICKED SCREAMING)

Pugsley!

What is the true meaning

of the Mazurka?

It's about protecting

our family

from those who would

do us harm!

Go ahead.

Show 'em what you're good at.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

All we have to do

is pull down the side walls!

ROCK MAFIA: (SINGING)

You shouldn't mess with me

You don't wanna mess with me

'Cause if you mess with me

You're messing with my family

(GUESTS SCREAMING)

Everyone, follow my boy!

(PUGSLEY CHUCKLING)

Hey, guys!

(SCREAMING)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

ROCK MAFIA: You might think

that we are all loco

But this family

is about to go global

MARGAUX: Fire!

(ALL WHIMPER)

Shakalaka bang, baby!

Quick! Out this way!

(ALL MURMURING)

(ALL GASPING)

Pop, I'm out of a*mo!

We're trapped!

(RUMBLING)

(ALL WHIMPERING)

(ALL YELP)

Hope I'm not crashing

the party.

PUGSLEY: Wednesday!

- Yeah!

- (ALL SIGH)

Ichabod, quick,

lower your branches!

Everyone, grab on!

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMS AND MURMUR)

Margaux Needler never stops

until the project is complete.

(MARGAUX LAUGHING)

PUGSLEY: Fire in the hole!

(MARGAUX GASPS)

Mazurka!

(GUESTS CHEERING)

MORTICIA:

Is everyone all right?

No limbs missing that weren't

missing before you arrived?

(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)

My little raven,

I'm so happy you returned.

Of course I came back.

I knew there was no way

you were going

to save yourselves.

You are like

weak baby squirrels.

(GUESTS GROANING)

(RELIEVED CHATTER)

WEDNESDAY: Socrates.

Eight legs, nine lives.

GOMEZ: You were right,

cara mia.

People can be cruel.

What have we done?

They're just a family.

MARGAUX: A family?

Oh, please!

They're a bunch of monsters!

Don't go soft on me, people.

I will relish hounding you

until that nuclear waste dump

of a house is gone

and your mutant family

along with it! Ah!

Be careful what you wish for,

Ms. Needler.

My family and I will never run

from the likes of you again.

(GASPS, STAMMERS)

Deep breath, Margaux.

Okay, I have a finale

to sh**t.

Parker, let's go.

PARKER: I'm not going

anywhere with you.

I'm staying with my friend.

MARGAUX: Your friend?

Parker, these people

are freaks.

If they're freaks,

then I'm a freak.

And so are all of you.

Exhibit A.

Ms. Gravely, you put

your underwear in the freezer.

Hey, it's refreshing, okay?

Exhibit B.

Trudy Pickering.

You sit on

the toilet backwards.

Well, where else am I supposed

to put my arms?

Wait, how did you know that?

Because your houses have been

infested with Needler-Vision.

She has hidden cameras

everywhere.

- What?

- (ALL GASP)

WEDNESDAY: And watches you

all of the time.

In my private time?

MAN: That is creepy, actually.

- What else has she seen?

- That is over the line!

- MARGAUX: Shut up!

- (ALL GASP)

Listen, you lemmings!

This is my town.

You are nothing

but a bunch of extras.

We are going to march down

that hill and do a live show.

I expect you to convince

those brainless peons

out there in the audience

that this is the perfect place

to buy a house,

or none of you will be living

here much longer.

- Do you hear me?

- Actually, Mom,

everyone can hear you.

You've been live

this whole time.

Three million people

are watching you right now.

The real you, for a change.

Please, what do I care what

a bunch of bloggers think?

GLENN: Margaux?

(YELLS) What?

It's the network.

They're taking your show

off the air.

What?

No. I'll be...

I'll be bankrupt.

Who will buy all these houses?

Okay, watch this.

Now's my chance.

Excuse me, (CLEARS THROAT)

I just tooted.

Furthermore,

I think I can help you

get rid of those houses.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, my dear,

you've got a bunch of houses

you need to get rid of,

and I've got a bunch of family

I need to get rid of.

WOMAN: Hello?

Excuse me. I'm Trudy.

Trudy Pickering. We...

We never officially met...

Ah, yes. The toilet woman.

Right.

Listen, uh, please, give us

a chance to make it right.

Let us have

our own design intervention.

WEDNESDAY: Mother,

I spent time

with these people,

and it is true, they are odd.

But we shouldn't judge them

just because

they're different.

(SOFT MURMURING)

(HUMMING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHUCKLES)

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)

- Have a wonderful day!

- ONION: Whoo-hoo.

MALE ADDAMS:

And there you are.

- Bye-bye.

- WOMAN: Thanks! Bye!

Well, hello there!

Howdy, neighbor.

How's the new house?

Oh, I love it. I hope

you brought your umbrellas.

Oh, you put in a typhoon.

What a great idea.

Don't forget

the gift basket, silly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got scented

embalming fluid,

toes, teeth, a fruitcake,

rat bait,

got some dried apricots...

(CHUCKLES)

He's like training a puppy,

adorable but tiresome.

She's the woman of my dreams!

Her breath is like

a baby's diaper.

(GIGGLES) Fester, stop!

Who would have thought

a guy like me, a total zero,

would have ended up with you,

an also zero?

Well, do come in!

SLOOM: Now, with

the house rebuilt, Pugsley,

we can throw you

the celebration you deserve!

You are Addams

through and through.

(ALL APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!

Oh, how lovely.

The spirit's home.

Finally, back to normal.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

We did good.

I won't tell anyone

if you don't.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(ADDAMS FAMILY THEME PLAYING)

(RHYTHMIC SNAPPING)

(MAN SINGING)

They're creepy

And they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

There house is a museum

Where people come

to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

- (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

- MAN: Neat.

- (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

- Sweet.

- (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

- Petite.

So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick

You can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

MIGOS: (SINGING)

Family, family

I'd go to w*r for my family

Ups and downs

Wrong or right, it's family

They think that we crazy

They say that we crazy,

can't handle it

My back on the wall

Who I'mma call, my family

We different, we stick out

Wig out, bug out

Pop out, hop out

Go

Ball out, hey

Show out

A'ight, this a party

Let's not make a problem

No!

Why you looking at me like

there's something, tell me

You should know it's not just

me that you'll be rubbing

ROCK MAFIA: The wrong way,

so you better think twice

You shouldn't mess with me

You don't want to mess with me

'Cause if you mess with me

You're messing with my family

You shouldn't mess with me

ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:

You don't want to mess with me

MIGOS: No!

ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:

'Cause if you mess with me

You're messing with my family

Ay, ay, ay, ay

ROCK MAFIA: You might think

that we are all loco

Ay, ay, ay

MIGOS: Don't mess

with my family

ROCK MAFIA: But this family

about to go global

MIGOS: We blowin' up!

ROCK MAFIA: Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

(KAROL G SINGING IN SPANISH)

Don't mess with my family

A'ight, this a party

Let's not make a problem

No!

Why you looking at me like

there's something, tell me

You should know it's not just

me that you'll be rubbing

ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:

The wrong way

So you better think twice

ROCK MAFIA:

You shouldn't mess with me

ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:

You don't wanna mess with me

ROCK MAFIA:

'Cause if you mess with me

You're messing with my family

You shouldn't mess with me

ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:

You don't wanna mess with me

'Cause if you mess with me,

you're messing with my family

ROCK MAFIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah

ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:

You're messing with my family

KAROL G: Yeah

ROCK MAFIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah

MIGOS: Don't mess

with my family

No!

ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:

Ay, ay, ay, ay

ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:

You might think

That we are all loco

Ay, ay, ay

But this family

About to go global

(MUSIC TEMPO INCREASES)

MIGOS: They say that we mean

Mean

They say that we rude

Rude

They say we got problems

Problems

But we say it's cool

Family, family

I'd go to w*r for my family

Ups and downs

Wrong or right, it's family

ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:

Ay, ay, ay, ay

You might think

that we are all loco

MIGOS: Don't mess

with my family

ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G:

Ay, ay, ay,

But this family

is about to go global

(SONG ENDS)

(SPOOKY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

CHRISTINA AGUILERA: (SINGING)

There's no bell

When you call for me

You'll be falling for miles

I'm bewitched by your misery

(CHUCKLES)

But I love it when you smile

Let me know

what you want from me

Whisper "love" in my ears

Before you try

to get your hooks in me

I should warn you, my dear

My heart is a haunted house

Once you're in,

you ain't getting out

It's the trap

you've been waiting for

Ain't no windows,

ain't no doors

No escaping the way you feel

It's like a dream,

but you hope it's real

My, my, my heart

M-m-m-my heart is a haunted

CHOIR: Haunted house

CHRISTINA AGUILERA: Watch

yourself when you walk to me

Careful where

your heart treads

Suddenly,

you'll be in too deep

You'll be caught up in my web

You will think

of me constantly

And it will drive you insane

Like the tattoo

you can't remove

Like the blood in your veins

My heart is a haunted house

Once you're in,

you ain't getting out

It's the trap

you've been waiting for

Ain't no windows,

ain't no doors

There's no escaping

the way you feel

It's like a dream,

but you hope it's real

My, my, my heart

- M-m-m-my heart is a haunted

- CHOIR: Haunted house

CHRISTINA AGUILERA: Yeah

- It's a haunted house

- CHOIR: Haunted house
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