Violent Night (2022)

Christmas & New Years movies collection.

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Violent Night (2022)

Post by bunniefuu »

(grand orchestral fanfare

playing)

-Action.

-Design.

(tires squealing)

Ding, dong, ding

Ding, dong, ding

("A Holly Jolly Christmas"

by Burl Ives playing)

Have a holly jolly Christmas

It's the best time

of the year

I don't know

if there'll be snow

But have a cup of cheer

Have a holly jolly Christmas

And when you walk

down the street...

-(belches)

-Another one?

Well, I'm still vertical,

so I'd like to change that.

Oh, ho, the mistletoe

Hung where you can see

Somebody waits for you...

(chuckling):

Ho, ho.

(gags)

MAN:

Bitter. Pint.

You just get off?

And in case you didn't hear

Oh, by golly,

have a holly...

I'm taking a break.

Between shifts,

I guess you could say.

-MAN: Hmm.

-You ain't driving, are you?

I steer a little, but the

reindeer do most of the work.

(laughter)

Mm-hmm.

This is my, uh,

fourth year as a Santa.

Ah.

How about you?

Lost count.

I forget why I started doing it

in the first place.

Same reason anybody

does anything.

The money.

(chuckling):

Money. Money.

This whole planet runs on greed.

(crunching)

(grunts, sighs)

MAN: It's the look on

the kiddies' faces, innit?

That's what does it for me.

-Ah, the look. Yeah, that look.

-(man chuckles)

Lasts about two seconds.

As soon as they're finished

unwrapping,

they want the next present,

they want the next cool thing.

That's how this world works.

And kids--

what kids have become.

They're just like

little junkies.

They're little shits.

They just demand.

They don't believe.

They just want, crave, consume.

(sighs softly)

Maybe this is my last year.

The last Christmas.

Well, I can't stand seeing

another Santa in distress.

(belches)

Put his drinks on my tab.

-Okay?

-Yeah.

Oh, very merry of you. Okay.

I better get going.

Presents aren't gonna

deliver themselves.

(laughter)

Oh, uh...

For your grandson.

Save me a trip.

It's, uh, that new video game.

It's Astro Blaster,

Blaster Astro.

I-I don't know.

Merry Christmas. (belches)

How'd he know

my grandson's name?

-How'd he know I have

a grandson? -(door opens)

Oi! That door leads to the roof.

Piss head.

Go easy on him. It's Christmas.

Hey! You can't be up here.

If you break your neck,

I'm the one...

(panting)

(sleigh bells jingling)

(sighs)

My God.

It's...

(retching)

...beauti...

(gasping)

("Deck the Halls" playing)

(music ends)

(dog barking nearby)

(sighs)

(rummaging)

(vehicle approaches, horn honks)

(bells jingling)

Hi. Hi, hi, hi.

There she is. Hello, muffin.

Let's go see Grandma.

Ooh.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Trudy.

Merry...

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

Merry Christmas, Daddy,

ya filthy animal.

(Trudy chuckling)

She got to stay up late

and watch Home Alone.

Uh-huh.

It was so funny. (screams)

-Yep.

-That... that hurts.

-All morning.

-Okay, um...

Thank you.

For doing this.

I'm not doing it for you.

-It's Christmas!

-Yeah!

Merry Christmas, Al.

Hi, Linda. Merry Christmas.

-Mr. Lightstone.

-Hey, Al.

Hey, you back there, Tru?

Yeah, I bet you're excited

for Christmas.

What did you ask Santa for?

-Not to work on Christmas Eve.

-(laughs)

Must've been naughty this year,

-'cause here I am.

-Mm-hmm.

Just make sure you let Santa

through the gates later, Al.

-Yeah.

-Have a merry one, now.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas, Al.

Merry Christmas, Tru.

-(laughs) Thank you, Al.

-Yeah.

(busy chatter)

MAN: I can't remember

where the second one is.

MALE VOICE (recorded):

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas.

Hope you're on the nice list.

WOMAN:

That doesn't go over there.

(chatter continues indistinctly)

WOMAN:

Excuse me.

(chatter continues indistinctly)

What the hell is this?

You are the worst

catering company on the planet.

It's lengthwise, not width.

Unbelievable.

(watch beeps)

Okay.

Hi. Hi, guys. Merry Christmas.

-Hi.

-I'm fine. Thank you so much.

("The Twelve Days of Christmas"

playing)

I'll never get over the fact

that you grew up like this.

My therapist says

I'll never get over it, either.

I need a drink.

Two turtledoves

And a partridge

in a pear tree...

-(whistle tooting)

-Hey, look at that.

Hi, Linda.

-(chuckling): Hey.

-How's it going, Alva?

Mm-hmm. You gained weight.

-(coughing)

-Looks good on you, though.

-Thank you.

-Mm-hmm.

'Sup, limp d*ck?

(sighs)

I got great feelings

about this Christmas.

-You want to know why?

-Yeah.

'Cause I think this is the year

that Mom's gonna

kick herself upstairs

and choose one of us

to start running the show.

And I got to tell you, Jason,

that I'm gunning for your ass.

(clicks tongue)

What would a Lightstone

family Christmas be

without groveling

and infighting?

(Alva chuckling)

SERVER:

Your ros, ma'am.

Honey, smile. It's Christmas.

Mm.

Good. Good girl.

(chuckles)

I am sorry about my sister.

Making spirits bright

What fun it is

to ride and sing...

It is really nice to see you.

To have you here.

Jingle all the way...

Okay, I'm behind. Catch me up

on all the hot goss.

Hot goss. Okay.

Um, well, you remember Bert,

my sister's pride and joy.

Yo, yo, yo.

This is the Bert Locker

living that bling life

on Christmas Eve.

(laughs, inhales sharply)

Hashtag "blessed."

He just got

what I can only assume

will be his first of many

sexual harassment accusations.

Mom paid off the school,

and now the gymnasium

is named after us.

Of course she did.

What about Tragic Mike?

All I'm saying is,

if I was on one of those planes,

9/11 would've ended

with a bunch of t*rrorists

skydiving over Connecticut

without their parachutes.

-(grunts) Yeah. You like that?

-ALVA: Yes. Yes.

-Yeah, I do like it.

-Ooh.

-Kiss me in front of my son.

-Now, huh?

-Mm...

-(Alva chuckles)

He might actually be

a decent actor.

-Hmm. -He's been doing

an Oscar-worthy job

-of pretending to find

my sister appealing. -(laughs)

Now he wants Mom

to fund a film for him.

(laughing)

(indistinct chatter)

-MORGAN: It's Gertrude!

-It's Mom.

-Okay, let's do this.

-Okay, okay. Come on.

-Come on. Bert, get over here.

-No. Mom. Mom!

-Positions.

-Game time, buddy.

-Okay. Okay.

-This is my good side.

-BERT: I'm busy. -ALVA:

We've gone over this! Come on!

MORGAN:

Gosh. Okay.

ALVA:

Bert, get in the middle.

(sighs):

So it begins.

Seriously, come.

You know what that means.

Shall we jockey forward?

No.

No, we can hang back.

Yeah.

Trudy, honey?

Come on over here.

-(growls playfully)

-(Trudy chuckles)

Just, like...

GERTRUDE:

thr*aten 'em or bribe 'em.

This isn't rocket science.

Same sh*t we always do.

That's what?

That's the best you can do?

Excited to see your grandma?

Listen, you cocksucker.

It's Christmas,

so why don't you take

your best offer, gift wrap it,

and ram it up your f*cking box.

(Alva clears throat)

GERTRUDE: Maybe you don't

realize who I am.

Those were Grandma words.

You know, forget them.

ALVA: Oh, boy.

Look at Mr. Cool back here.

Yeah, what's your angle, man?

Hmm?

No angle.

I'm not doing anything.

(scoffing):

Oh, yeah.

GERTRUDE: No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. No!

Don't sh*t in my mouth

and tell me it's chocolate cake.

(chuckles) Grandma's cool.

GERTRUDE:

I can make that story go away...

I think your brother's

up to something.

No, I just decided

to let you guys

have all the fun

sucking up to Mom today.

Please. You are King Suck-up.

You named your kid Gertrude.

(Linda scoffs)

Alva, you named

your son Bertrude.

Okay.

Sorry, Bert,

but that's not a real name.

Sorry, Linda. We can't all be

lucky enough to have daughters.

Mom, I can hear you.

You know something we don't.

What is it?

No, I don't. I don't.

I got it. Bingo.

I'm onto you, man. Come on!

-We were just...

-MORGAN: Come on,

come on, come on, come on.

-GERTRUDE: You big sack of sh*t.

-Ooh.

No wonder your husband left you.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Merry Christmas to you, too,

Senator.

-Merry Christmas, Mommy.

-Merry Christmas.

(chuckling)

LINDA:

Merry Christmas.

Why in the hell are you standing

all the way back there?

Merry Christmas, Grandma!

-GERTRUDE: Aw.

-Little bitch.

Little Gertrude. And how is

my favorite granddaughter?

Everybody calls me Trudy now.

Trudy?

-Well, that makes her

sound like a whore. -Okay.

Oh, she doesn't even know

the meaning of the word.

I'm starving. Let's eat.

ALVA:

Great.

And, Mom, I think Gertrude

is a beautiful name.

Mm-hmm.

I only call her Gertrude.

-Merry Christmas, Gertrude.

-Come on, Bertrude.

When the kids

are fast asleep

Gently down the stairs

we'll creep

(swallows, gags)

Then we'll lock and bolt

all the doors

Just you and me

and Santa Claus

(groans)

We'll be as quiet

as quiet can be

Planting toys under the tree

We'll be crawling around

on all fours

Just you and me

-And Santa Claus

-(belching)

(whooping)

For soon will be

-That magic time

-(scoffs)

When we hear

that midnight chime

-(wind whistling)

-(urine splattering)

-When that flying sleigh

-(grunts)

Finally flies away

We'll have a very merry

Christmas Day

We'll raise a toast

to the team with the most

The best there ever was

You and me

and Santa Claus...

Another f*cking Christmas.

(song ends)

TRUDY:

I made these all by myself.

-JASON: No way.

-LINDA: Mm-hmm.

TRUDY: I even made one

that looks exactly like Santa.

-Exactly.

-JASON (laughs): Yeah.

Santa gets a candy cane, too?

Yeah.

Mm, okay.

It's perfect.

No peeking.

This house has so many chimneys.

(Linda chuckles)

How will Santa know

which one to come down?

Oh, Santa just knows.

Christmas magic.

Honey, what's wrong?

Daddy never took me to see

Santa at the mall this year.

LINDA:

He didn't.

I am so sorry.

This year has been weird.

I never got to tell Santa

what I wanted for Christmas.

Oh, honey. Come here.

You know what?

You go put your pj's on,

and I will be two minutes.

(hushed):

Yes!

Okay...

(muttering)

(sighs):

Yes.

(paper rustling)

Yes!

Because you have been so good

to me and Mommy this year,

we decided that

you could have one gift...

(gasps) early!

-Really?

-(Jason chuckling)

What is it?

That is a very special

walkie-talkie.

It's magic.

-Magic?

-Mm-hmm.

What you got right there

is a direct hotline

to Santa Claus himself.

-I can talk to Santa?

-Oh, yeah.

It's just like writing him

a letter... but better.

Mm-hmm.

Now, the only thing is,

he might not have time

to answer you.

He's delivering a lot

of presents tonight.

Mm-hmm.

But he'll hear everything

you want to say to him.

(beeps, crackles)

Hello, Santa?

This is Trudy Lightstone.

I hope you're having

a nice night.

JASON:

Mm. (kissing rapidly)

It's really cold tonight,

so don't forget your mittens.

So, I wanted to tell you, Santa,

I was extra good this year,

so I wrote a big list for you

with all the stuff I wanted.

But then...

then I realized

I don't need any of that.

I really only want

one present for Christmas.

I want Mommy and Daddy

to make up

so we can be a family again.

Okay.

Good night, Santa.

Good night, Mr. Bunny.

(sighs)

(footsteps squishing)

(groans)

Which one of you did that?

(reindeer grunting)

You can't go two seconds without

crapping on the roof

like a bunch of pigeons?

(huffing)

So unprofessional.

(sighs)

You know, Rudolph

will never do this crap.

-(jingling)

-(whooshing)

(sighs, grunts)

Hmm.

Mmm.

(chuckling)

Mmm, mmm.

Homemade.

Mmm.

(slurps)

Ugh.

Skim.

Oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

Mmm.

DuBoi...

-On some prewar sh*t

right there. -(cork pops)

-Good sh*t.

-(cork clatters on floor)

("We Wish You a Merry Christmas"

melody plays)

(melody ends)

(exhales sharply) Mmm.

That pairs well.

What do we have here?

(sighing)

(chair vibrating)

Oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

(slurping)

-You know, uh...

-(sighs)

Christmas is all right,

but you Americans don't

celebrate my favorite holiday.

Oh, yeah? What?

Boxing Day.

(glass shatters)

(watch beeping)

(chiming)

(watches chiming)

(watch chiming)

Yo, yo. B. Lightstone here,

live streaming the dream,

you know.

They say the richest man...

Say goodbye.

And if you...

Grandma! Your Wi-Fi sucks d*ck.

Damn it!

When he was small,

I begged you to b*at him.

(gasps softly)

Hey. Merry Christmas.

Or should I say

"happy holidays" now?

Right? I mean, it's like,

people, make up your minds.

-You know what I'm saying?

-Can I help you?

Oh, yeah. I sure hope so.

See, uh,

my car broke down

a little ways...

Out here?

This is a private road.

You're telling me. (chuckles)

It's the first place

I've seen for miles.

I think I got frostbite.

Where the hell am I, anyway?

G.T. Lightstone family compound.

I'll call you a tow.

-(silenced g*nsh*t)

-(grunts)

All right, revelers.

(over earpiece):

Time to steal Christmas.

Sound off.

Jingle. Check.

Peppermint. Check.

Sugarplum. Check.

Krampus. Ready to f*ck sh*t up.

Candy Cane. Check.

-Go for Frosty.

-Go for Tinsel.

Go for Gingerbread.

Are we gonna use these stupid

code names all night?

(over earpiece):

'Tis the season.

Welcome to your worst

Christmas ever.

Trudy loves seeing Santa

at the mall.

She loves going with her father.

And you should've

taken her yesterday,

like you do every Christmas,

but we didn't even

hear from you.

Mom put me on a special project.

-It's complicated.

-But it's not,

because it keeps happening

over and over.

-Your mother forcing herself

between us. -You're right.

What if we could give Trudy

her Christmas wish?

(scoffs)

You're trying to win me back

with a romantic weekend

at your mother's?

What if things

really changed this time?

We got out from under

my mother's thumb.

We'll walk away.

From the company, the family.

Tonight.

What are you up to?

(distant g*nf*re)

-(rapid g*nf*re)

-(grunts)

(chair vibrating)

-(distant g*nf*re)

-(snorts)

(vibrating stops)

(g*nf*re continues)

(groaning)

(g*nf*re continues)

(grunting)

(panting quietly)

(whimpering)

-(Candy Cane yells)

-(grunts)

Let's go.

We need to get you out of here.

Mommy, where are you going?

-She's going for the panic room!

-What?

-Yes. Go, Bertrude.

-Without us?

-(g*nf*re continues)

-(groaning)

(grunts)

ALVA: f*ck, f*ck, f*ck,

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

(g*nf*re)

GERTRUDE:

There isn't room for all of us.

She can fit at least two of us.

Mom, take me.

-Mom! (stammers)

-Oh. Yeah.

M-Mom, can Bert come, too?

-(device beeps)

-(whirring)

Okay. Move it or lose it, son.

-Move it!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're supposed to protect us.

We protect the primary asset.

Who the hell are you?

You can call me Mr. Scrooge.

Hilarious.

Get him.

(grunting and groaning)

Bah humbug, m*therf*cker.

SCROOGE: Hey. Step aside.

Tinsel, Peppermint,

sweep upstairs.

I want all the Lightstones

together.

k*ll anybody else you find.

(panting, whimpering)

f*ck. f*ck, f*ck.

LINDA:

Trudy, honey, we got to go.

JASON:

Wake up, honey. Wake up.

Maybe we can get out the back

by the servants' stairs.

(gasps)

(crackles, whistles)

Oh, come on. Not now. Not now.

(crackles, whistles)

f*ck! f*ck!

Mistletoe, gingerbread.

(crackles, whistles)

(gasps)

(banging)

Hey!

(jingling)

Oh. Oh.

(chuckling):

Hi.

You got me.

I don't want any trouble, okay?

Downstairs. Now.

Look, mister,

I don't want to get involved.

I just...

I just have a job to do.

Okay? That's it.

I'm just gonna take my bag,

and I'm just gonna

scooch up that chimney.

(both grunt)

Enough talk. Let's go.

You don't want to do this.

What? This?

(both grunt)

Now, move!

-(groaning)

-Are you deaf?

f*cking move!

(Tinsel gasps)

(grunting)

(snorting, grunting)

(rapid hoofbeats)

No, no, no.

No! Wait!

Wait.

Wait! Don't go!

Come back!

(grunting)

(both yelling)

(grunting and groaning)

-(sizzling)

-(screaming)

(steam hissing)

(groaning)

(both yelling, grunting)

(groaning)

(crackling, whistling)

(grunting and groaning)

(strained grunting)

(screaming)

(yells)

Oh, f*ck!

(grunts)

(coughs, groans)

(groaning)

Oh, sh*t.

(wind whistling)

(frustrated grunt)

(panting, gasping)

Damn chickenshit reindeer

leave me here to die.

(to tune of "Silent Night"):

Violent night

Gory night

All is calm

If all doesn't want to get

sh*t in the f*cking head.

GERTRUDE:

Cute.

Do you have any idea

who you're f*cking with?

(groaning)

I know exactly

who I'm f*cking with.

Oh, wait, wait.

Did you actually think

that I spent months

planning a complex break-in

to the most secure

private residence in the country

and I didn't know

who lived here?

Well, you're wrong.

'Cause your staff are dead.

-Your security are dead.

-(grunts)

Now, sit down

and shut the f*ck up!

(Trudy screams)

Oh, f*ck.

We planned it. It's all right.

It'll be solved

in a couple minutes.

Better be solved.

So much like a scene

from my movie Dark Ransom.

Oh, my God.

If they didn't have g*ns,

I could take out three,

maybe four of them.

ALVA:

Try all of them.

Ew, Mom. Yuck.

If you'd really done

your research, you'd know

that my brother Rory

was kidnapped in the '70s.

But my father

never called the police.

Dad sent in our own

private extraction team,

and Rory was home

safe and sound a week later.

And the kidnappers

were never found.

If you get me.

I know.

I know all about

your extraction team

that you affectionately call

"the k*ll Squad"

behind closed doors.

I also know

that they're on their way

and how long it's gonna

take 'em to get here.

I even know their credit ratings

and their d*ck sizes.

If you get me.

Then you should also know

you're already dead.

We don't do ransoms.

Again, I know. I know.

See, I know a lot, Gertrude.

I really do.

Like the fact that you have

300 million in U.S. dollars

sitting in your personal vault

downstairs.

-The f*ck?

-SCROOGE: That's right.

300 million that

the U.S. government

gave Lightstone to quietly

distribute in the Middle East

to all the worst people,

to grease the wheels

and keep that sweet oil flowing.

300 million that-- oops--

disappeared in the fog of w*r.

Except it didn't really

disappear, did it, Gerty?

'Cause you stole it.

Did you know about this?

SCROOGE:

Man, this family.

This moneygrubbing family.

Clinging desperately

to your wealth,

when your poor employees

don't even have enough coal

to keep Tiny Tim warm.

What is it with you

and all this Christmas sh*t?

Talk all you want.

You'll never get in the vault.

Oh, oh, oh, because when

you-you hit the panic button,

it reset the combination?

I keep telling you, I know.

SCROOGE: This is what breaking

into a vault has turned into?

Remember when you just had to

drill holes and blow sh*t up?

I don't know,

maybe I'm getting old,

but there was something

romantic about that.

CANDY CANE (over radio):

Boss, you copy?

I'm kind of busy here.

You're gonna want to see this.

Maybe he fell.

You rappel down buildings

with him.

You gonna tell me

he just fell out a window?

All right, look lively, g*ng.

We got a gopher.

LINDA:

You know what?

Um, I think Mr. Bunny

wants to go to sleep.

So, let's tuck him in.

Okay?

It's gonna be okay.

Hello? Santa?

Are you there?

(panting)

sh*t.

(radio crackles)

(over radio): This is

Candy Cane at checkpoint three.

(gasps) Oh, sh*t.

sh*t. sh*t. sh*t.

(panting)

Video game.

Video game.

Didn't anybody ask

for a bat or a sword

-or Molotov cocktails?

-(door opens)

(whispers):

Wait.

(grunts)

CHILD'S VOICE (recorded):

Mommy, I love you.

("Dnde Est Santa Claus?"

by Toni Stante playing)

Poetry book.

Die Hard on Blu-ray. f*ck!

(grunting)

-Mamacita

-Mamacita, ah-ooh

-Dnde est Santa Claus?

-Mamacita

-(grunts, chokes)

-Ah-ooh

-Dnde est Santa Claus?

-Mamacita, ah-ooh...

-(grunts)

-(g*n clicks)

Safety's on, dipshit.

(grunting continues)

-Mamacita

-Mamacita, ah-ooh

Oh, where is Santa Claus?

Mamacita, ah-ooh

I look for him because

Wait. Hang on. Hang on.

It's Christmas Eve...

Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait. Look.

I don't want to k*ll you.

(chuckles)

(laughing)

Wow, a big fat guy, gray beard.

Eh?

Santa...

I'm gonna rip

your f*cking balls off.

(both yelling)

(grunting with effort)

I hope he won't forget

to cr*ck his castanets

And to his reindeer say

"Oh, Pancho, oh, Vixen,

oh, Pedro, oh, Blitzen..."

Oh, sh*t. (grunts)

(pained grunting)

(machine beeping)

-Mamacita

-Mamacita, ah-ooh

Dnde est Santa Claus?

(screams)

Oh, where is Santa Claus?

Mamacita, ah-ooh

It's Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve

(grunts fiercely)

(screaming, groaning)

(pained yelling)

I hope he won't forget

To cr*ck his castanets

-(screams, grunts)

-And to his reindeer say

"Oh, Pancho, oh, Vixen,

oh, Pedro, oh, Blitzen

Ol, ol, ol"

-Mamacita

-Mamacita, ah-ooh

Dnde est Santa Claus?

Mamacita, ah-ooh

Oh, where is Santa Claus?

Mamacita, ah-ooh

-It's Christmas Eve

-Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve

Mamacita

-It's Christmas Eve

-Mamacita.

-(yells)

-(screaming in pain)

(song ends)

(Frosty screaming hysterically)

(whimpers, growls)

(whimpering)

(gasping)

-(electrical crackling)

-(sputtering)

-(grunts)

-(steam hissing)

(chuckles)

Ah, God.

Whew.

Whew. Whew.

(over radio):

This is Candy Cane checking in.

Compound is clear and secured.

-(radio crackling, beeping)

-(grunting)

SCROOGE: Copy. What's the

status on the k*ll Squad?

(coughing)

GINGERBREAD: k*ll Squad

won't be here for two hours.

So we're doing good. The outer

seal's already been breached.

Is there a 911 thing on here?

(whimpers) My...

Am I doing that correct?

Hello?

Hello, can anybody hear me?

TRUDY:

Can you hear me, Santa?

Hello?

Santa?

Yeah, this is Santa.

I hope I'm not bothering you.

Daddy said you were

very busy tonight.

I'm...

I'm on a break.

Who-who am I speaking to?

My name is Trudy Lightstone,

and I've been very good

this year.

(grunts) Trudy...

(panting)

Trudy Lightstone.

(chuckles)

Yeah, Trudy.

You're on my nice list.

You've been a very good girl

this year.

Where are you now, Trudy?

TRUDY: I'm in a big room

with all my relatives.

There's two bad men with g*ns

watching us.

SANTA:

Oh, no. Six left.

TRUDY:

Are you gonna help us, Santa?

Yeah. Of course

I'm gonna help you.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna get you out of there.

Take all these bad guys

on my naughty list...

I'm gonna take a lump of coal,

each and every one of them,

and shove it straight up...

The ass.

Well, I mean, come on, sweetie.

We want to keep you

on the nice list, you know.

Sorry.

Can I say "butthole," then?

I mean, it's borderline.

How about "anus"?

(sighs) Technically, yes,

uh, "anus" is the tech...

Okay, look, uh, Tru...

uh, Trudy.

I got to call for help,

and the phone lines are down.

You probably know this house

better than anybody.

You got any suggestions?

I have an idea.

All right, you're telling me

there's a g*dd*mn Santa Claus

running around here?

Okay, well,

he looks jolly as f*ck,

but who the hell is he?

There's no Santa listed

on the employee manifest.

Yeah, there's more.

Frosty hasn't checked in.

I can't reach him.

All right, keep trying.

All right, it's official.

We got a gopher on the loose,

and he's dangerous.

Watch your backs.

Al? Al?

Oh, sh*t.

(clicking)

Oh, sh*t!

SCROOGE (over radio):

Frosty, what's your status?

Frosty, sound off.

Uh, Frosty?

Is-is that, uh...

is that the naughty guy

I met in the basement?

Your-your friend is dead.

Uh, he got a star in his face,

then his head caught on fire.

It's a long story.

Oh.

Is this... is this our Santy?

Is this our... our Santy Claus?

Yeah, it is.

To whom am I speaking?

Well, for tonight,

I'm Mr. Scrooge.

Now, what is it

that you want exactly, Santa?

I want you to put down

your weapons,

I want you to let

this family go,

and then I want to find

my reindeer,

and I want to continue

delivering my presents.

Are you f*cking with me?

All right, who the hell

are you really, huh?

Some security guard who's

watched too many action flicks?

Some loser ex-cop

stuck in a mall

playing dress-up with fat kids

pissing on your lap?

Stop me when I get it right.

It's a little more complicated

than that.

Not to me, it's not.

'Cause I want to make it

my personal mission,

my holiday to-do list,

to find you and to end you

and to wipe my ass with you

and this whole f*cking holiday.

That's what I want

for Christmas, Santa.

That is a terrible thing

to want for Christmas.

But maybe you and I should

discuss that in person.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

(sighs)

(trickling)

sh*t.

All right, who did you hire

to play Santa at

your Christmas party, huh?

-(gasping, coughing)

-I said, who's playing Santa

at your f*cked-up

Christmas party?

(gasping, straining):

I didn't hire a Santa.

I never have a Santa.

It's tacky.

SCROOGE:

So, who is he?

Oh, what fun

it is to ride...

Huh? Who is he?

Somebody better start talking,

or I'm gonna bash

her brains in with this...

Damn, Gertrude. You really got

a thing for nutcrackers, huh?

So, I'm gonna t*rture

everyone in your family

until you tell me who's

running around your mansion

playing Santa

and f*cking with my sh*t.

And who should I pick first?

Should I go by age?

-(Trudy whimpers)

-LINDA: Shh.

Or should I go by IQ?

Pick Jason.

He's my mom's favorite.

-Yep. Him.

-The one in the sweater.

All right.

Jason Lightstone it is.

-The number one son.

-No.

Wait, wait, wait.

No, we don't need...

We don't need to do that.

No, it's okay.

No. No, no, no.

We don't need to do this.

No. No, no, no, no.

Don't, don't, don't.

-No, don't... Put it...

Don't... No. -(muttering)

-No, no, no, no. No, no.

-Give me this f*cking...

-(Jason whimpers, screams)

-(snaps)

-(grunts)

-(groaning)

-(whimpering gasp)

-(screams)

(groaning)

I'm telling you,

no one hired a Santa.

All right, all right,

all right. You're right.

You're right.

Let's stop it. Let's stop it.

What are we doing here? Come on.

What are we, amateurs?

We're half-assing this.

Come on. It's not called

a finger cr*cker.

Okay, Candy Cane.

Stick one of his bozaks

in there.

I'm not touching his balls.

What, are you a princess

all of a sudden?

I've seen you

scoop out brains before.

CANDY CANE: You want me

to scoop his brains out,

I'll scoop his brains out

right now,

but I'm not touching his junk.

I don't care who does it.

I better be looking

at flat balls,

like, in three seconds.

I'll do it.

Krampus. Perfect.

Oh, not that guy. Not that guy.

That's what I love

about sociopaths.

Always up for trying new things.

You don't need to do this, okay?

No, it's all right.

Um... Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(panting):

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

(Jason whimpers)

KRAMPUS:

Put your nuts in.

Yummy, yummy.

Stop hurting my daddy...

or Santa will get mad.

Ah, what a cutie.

So, what do we know

about Santa, little one?

She doesn't know anything

about Santa.

(groans)

He wasn't asking you.

She's playing make-believe.

She's pretending

to talk to Santa.

It's not pretend.

Santa's my friend,

and he said

he's going to save us.

JASON:

No.

-And b*at you up.

-SCROOGE: Oh, is he?

I bet he'd come out of hiding

if you asked him to, huh?

What do you say you come with me

-and we play a little game

with him, huh? -No, no, no.

Trudy, come on.

Tell him the truth now.

-You aren't talking to Santa.

-Yes, I am.

No, you're not. Come on, now.

-Yes, I am. -Damn it, Trudy,

Santa isn't real!

(gasps)

(sighs)

I'm sorry, honey.

Santa's just a thing

adults tell kids

to make them feel better, okay?

Your mommy and I

give you the presents,

and we say they're from Santa.

(Jason sighs)

He's not coming to save us.

He doesn't exist.

It's all made-up.

-Really?

-SCROOGE: Aw.

What a way to find out

that there's no Santa.

Hey, let's come back Easter

and ruin the Easter Bunny

-for her, too, huh?

-(Krampus chuckling)

-LINDA: Trudy!

-Come back here!

-Stop her!

-Trudy! -Hey!

CANDY CANE:

You idiots, stay at your posts.

LINDA:

Trudy!

I'll find this little brat.

(panting)

(sighs)

(song playing with eerie,

indistinct chanted vocal)

(song continues with eerie,

indistinct chanted vocal)

(shuddering breaths)

(short, pained breaths)

Okay.

(panting)

(grunts)

(exhales)

(song ends)

(panting)

(people screaming, shouting)

TRUDY (over radio):

Santa. Santa.

-Santa!

-(gasps)

(panting)

This is Trudy.

-Are you okay, Santa?

-(breathing heavily, grunting)

Hi. Hey.

Are you okay?

I'm good. Uh...

I was just wrapping

something up.

I ran away and hid in the attic.

Okay. If you're safe...

uh, just stay there

and, uh, stay quiet, all right?

Okay. I can set up booby traps,

like in Home Alone.

Okay, I don't know

what that means,

but, uh, yeah, do that.

Just do it quietly.

Are you really Santa?

(chuckling)

Of course I am, sweetheart.

My daddy says

there isn't any Santa.

He says parents just tell

their kids that Santa's real

to make them feel better.

He said they give us presents

and say they're from Santa.

Yeah.

Yeah, a lot of parents say that.

But I still bring presents

to kids that need me.

Kids who really believe.

How do you know

who really needs you?

Christmas magic.

I'm not really sure

how it works.

(chuckles)

But, uh...

(sighs)

I remember, um...

when Trudy Lightstone

wrote to me.

She must have been

about six years old,

and she said that

she felt lonely sometimes.

She missed having a best friend.

And so I brought her

a beautiful little

stuffed rabbit.

Mr. Bunny.

And then I remember

the next year,

and you said you had

this amazing dream

and that, afterwards,

all you wanted to do was...

To fly!

(laughing):

To fly. To fly.

I mean, Santa might have

some magic, but...

making a little girl fly?

But giving you a kite,

floating just beneath

the clouds,

well, it's about

as good as it gets.

I knew it.

I knew you were real, Santa.

Don't be too hard

on your parents, all right?

Grown-ups have a hard time

believing things.

Can you use your Christmas magic

to make them

love each other again?

I wish I had that kind of power.

Mrs. Claus and I have been

going on year, uh,

1,100, and...

Grown-up relationships

are complicated.

It takes work.

A lot of work.

Do you still love her?

Yeah, I do.

And sometimes, even if you want

to make somebody happy...

...the magic just goes away.

Hey.

I've got an idea.

This will be fun.

Why don't you guys

open your presents?

I want to see what you

rich assholes get each other.

And some of you might not

make it till tomorrow morning,

so this could be

your only chance.

Come on.

Where's the Christmas spirit?

Uh...

Gertrude, uh, I got you

something pretty special.

KRAMPUS:

Did you hear that, Gertrude?

He got you something amazing.

(giggling excitedly):

Oh, what could it be?

Oh, my God, this is exciting.

Mom.

Can I call you Mom?

Mrs. Lightstone.

Okay, so in the business,

they call this...

...a pitch deck.

-Pitch deck.

-MORGAN: Yeah.

It's called expl*sive Force.

Starring me.

And if you look in the back,

there are the financial numbers.

I'm kind of a big deal in Asia.

Parts of Asia, at least.

We were in parts of Asia once,

and, like,

we couldn't even go

to a restaurant.

Ah, what is there

a better gift than...

gift of a golden opportunity?

KRAMPUS (laughing):

Oh, no.

(laughing)

Granny doesn't like it. (laughs)

Mother, I got you something

really special.

It's a sentimental photo

of the day I was born.

I remember.

I was there.

KRAMPUS:

She doesn't give a sh*t.

(laughing)

-Swing and miss again!

-(glass shatters)

This is so fun.

ALVA:

Mommy, how about another one?

I got you a lot of good things.

-I'll grab one.

-Alva, Alva, sit down.

You've already given me one.

It's...

It's Jason's turn.

JASON:

Uh...

I th... I-I think

I left it in the car.

No, I-I saw you put one

under the tree earlier.

-No. It's in the...

-Yeah, I did.

I could've sworn.

You know what, it's, uh...

Y-You don't... you don't...

you don't... you...

It's this one, right?

Yeah, I got you, bro.

Come on.

(panting quietly)

Thank you.

It's my favorite whiskey.

You can skip the note.

(sighs)

Thank you, Jason.

What's the card say?

I think I'll just keep that

between Jason and I.

No one really needs to know.

Right, Jason?

Right.

TRUDY: Did you ever have

a mommy and daddy?

(grunts)

(chuckling): Yeah, of course

I had a mommy and daddy.

I wasn't...

I wasn't always Santa Claus.

I had a life before this.

A long, long, long time ago.

They used to call me, uh...

Nicomund.

(flames rumbling)

(panting)

SANTA:

Nicomund the Red.

(people yelling)

TRUDY:

You had a different job then?

SANTA:

Yeah, you could say that.

I was a warrior.

A raider. A thief.

-(man screams)

-And if somebody got in my way,

me and Skullcrusher would...

TRUDY:

Who's Skullcrusher?

Skullcrusher's my, uh...

my hammer.

My favorite hammer.

I was a surgeon with that thing.

Used to be able to take

three heads, line 'em up...

(makes thudding sound)

But why?

What?

Why'd you do those things?

Because I was mean.

And I was greedy.

And I wanted gold, jewels.

Yeah, I mean, if there was

a naughty list back then,

I'd be top dog.

Well, maybe...

What?

Maybe all those bad things

you used to do...

...maybe you can use them

to do good things instead.

To help.

What do you mean?

Mr. Bunny, he wasn't just a toy.

That night, you gave me

what I wished for.

A best friend.

'Cause you're good and kind.

And you mean more than just

the presents you bring.

That's why I believe in you,

Santa.

That's why I believe.

(exhaling sharply)

Thank you.

You stay hidden, Trudy,

till I come get you.

Stay safe.

SCROOGE: All right,

we got satellite confirmation.

Extraction team's on the go.

ETA: 30 minutes.

We're on schedule.

Everything's good.

-(engines revving)

-THORP: All right, fellas.

Look alive, look alive.

You all know the plan,

and I like my operations

like I like to f*ck:

hard and fast

with minimal cleanup.

Now, some idiot gets

in your way, what do you do?

ALL:

f*ck their sh*t up right!

Damn right.

-Time to lube up.

-(engines revving)

Let's go, m*therf*ckers!

Let's go!

(whispers):

This f*cking family.

MALE VOICE (recorded):

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

-(gasps)

-Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Traitor.

(grunts)

I got him in the east wing.

SCROOGE: All right,

we're on our way. Hold him.

(grunting, panting)

(yells)

(gasps)

(both grunting)

Step aside.

-(g*nsh*t)

-(whooshing)

SCROOGE (in other room): Now, how did this tired, old,

fat piece of sh*t

get the drop on us?

GINGERBREAD:

I don't know.

CANDY CANE:

He's not even armed.

This bag is the only thing

he had on him.

SCROOGE:

What's in there?

Can't see anything.

SCROOGE:

Here, give it to me.

What kind of moron...

carries a chess set with him?

What the f*ck?

Doesn't make any sense.

Look at all this sh*t.

(thuds, strings twang)

(chuckling)

So, you're gonna tell us what's

the gimmick with the bag?

It's magic.

You put your hand in,

out comes a present.

I don't really understand

how it works, either.

So, you're Mr. Scrooge.

That's right.

But who are you?

Weihnachtsmann.

Julenissen.

Shngdn Laorn.

Babbo Natale, Pre Noel,

Kris Kringle.

Jolly old Saint Nick.

People call me a lot of things.

SCROOGE:

Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.

Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"?

If you're Santa,

where's your reindeer?

They were on the roof

until that guy I turned

into an ice kebab just...

(Santa imitates rapid g*nf*re)

You don't believe me?

Go check.

Prancer left

a tasty log up there.

SCROOGE:

This f*cking guy.

You don't think...

Now, I know you're an idiot,

but don't be an idiot out loud.

Come on,

he's just in Santy Claus

with a f*cking trick bag.

SANTA:

Oh, no!

That bag was full

of kids' dreams!

SCROOGE:

Oh, come on.

Everybody knows that

Christmas dreams are bullshit.

My father used to make

a big deal out of it

every Christmas.

Every freaking Christmas

with the presents

and the candy

and the decorations

and the Christmas caroling

and all that bullshit.

And then when I was...

I don't know, ten, 11,

he got laid off,

and that Christmas,

couldn't even afford a tree.

No Christmas dinner, no gifts.

Nothing, nada, culo, d*ck.

But our neighbors...

our neighbors,

oh, they had it all.

I could see

all that yuletide cheer

through their window mocking me.

So Christmas Eve

rolls around, and...

I waited for everybody

to go to bed.

And then I snuck in there

to take it all.

Only problem was that

the gramps got up to take a piss

and the two of us scared

the sh*t out of each other.

And, um, he fell down the stairs

and-and broke his neck,

and he d*ed in the hospital.

Everybody thought that I did it,

and every time

I tried to tell them,

I tried to tell them that...

Anyway, maybe I did do it.

Maybe I did push him.

Poor old fucker.

So, you see,

Christmas ruined my life.

Okay? But you know what?

It set me on the path

and made me the great man

that I am today.

I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I really am.

But I do gifts.

I do Christmas cheer.

I don't get involved

in people's lives.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, well,

maybe you f*cking should!

Um, how did he know your name?

Oh, Bjorn.

What's your excuse?

Huh?

Didn't I get you that Huffy bike

you wanted back in '82?

One you wrote me 50 times about!

What about you, Kira?

Well, you made your brother

eat worms.

That's naughty!

Okay, how does he know

about my bike?

It's a lucky guess, like:

"Hey, do you like big tits?"

Come on, every kid wants

a f*cking bike.

-You're gonna tell me who you

work for... -Oh, Christ. No.

...then you've got five seconds

to tell me who you really are.

Five, four, three, two...

I'm Santa Claus!

Well, not anymore.

GINGERBREAD: Is it snowing?

CANDY CANE: Is he doing this

with Santa magic?

Let it snow!

It's not snow.

It's Styrofoam.

I told you this guy's

a big phony.

(grunts)

(whooshing)

(groaning)

(grunts, sighs)

Where'd he go?

GINGERBREAD:

He went up the chimney.

-I saw it.

-SCROOGE: I don't know,

he had a rig

or some pulley system

-that just yanked him up.

-You can't fit up there.

-It's impossible.

-Oh, you see one weird thing,

and then you think

you're in a fairy tale?

KRAMPUS (over radio):

Incoming.

We've got sleigh bells

approaching.

Oh, my God.

It's his reindeer.

-(hits table)

-It's the extraction team.

Pull yourselves together!

(engines revving)

(engines revving in distance)

And that is the sound

of my k*ll Squad.

(Bert laughing)

Oh, you're fizzity-f*cked now.

Huh? What are you gonna do?

You little elf bitch.

Fu... (grunts)

(gasps) Bertie.

Hashtag "blessed."

(yells, grunts)

Yeah! (yells)

Parkour.

k*ll him, babe!

-(yells) Oh!

-(others gasping)

Morgan's gonna save us.

Jean-Claude Van Dipshit

just ditched us, sweetie.

Hold your fire.

Barrel roll!

(grunting, panting)

Easy, easy.

-(grunts) Yeah!

-Easy.

Identify yourself.

I'm one of the hostages.

Morgan Steel, the actor.

Played a lot of soldiers

in my career.

Can I just say, thank you

for your service. Semper fi.

What's the situation inside?

Bunch of ex-m*llitary guys,

but I got to warn you,

they know you're coming.

I think they're ready for you.

They better be.

We're on a tight schedule.

sh*t.

(gasps) Oh, f...

-All right, let's move out.

-Let's move out.

Come on.

You got to be kidding me.

SCROOGE: Hey, Thorp,

you're ten minutes late.

What kept you?

Looks to me like your net's

got a hole in it.

Or are you just letting your

hostages out for some exercise?

No, no, no. We got

a wild gopher running around

complicating sh*t

and causing problems.

Who? Lightstone security?

Nah, I don't think so.

Some intruder dressed as Santa.

But I'm telling you,

I'm telling you,

there's something weird

about him.

Might be the real Santa.

-The f*ck did she just say?

-SCROOGE: Nothing, nothing.

She's joking.

My squad will take care of it.

Beta Team, go find this assh*le.

Go.

Now, let's unwrap our present,

shall we?

All right, you heard the man.

Time to k*ll Santa.

I've got him. He's on the roof.

Roger that. I got eyes on him.

(gasping)

(screams)

(groaning)

(panting, grunting)

Right, Sugarplum.

Hit that button.

(tapping keys)

(clunking, whirring)

Here we go.

Our skeleton key.

The "open" magic stick.

This better f*cking work.

I'm flushing my career for this,

my reputation.

Yeah, well, then you can

buy yourself a new rep.

THORP:

As a kid, I loved

unwrapping Christmas presents

so much

that my mom would wrap

empty boxes for me.

I didn't care

that nothing was inside.

Is this a f*cking joke?

No.

THORP: You said it would

f*cking be here!

I'm telling you,

my intel was rock solid.

I had guys on the inside.

300 million in cash

was delivered here yesterday

to this f*cking mansion.

Somebody must've intercepted it.

Son of a bitch.

(groaning)

(panting)

(groans)

Oh, sh*t.

Santa, you okay?

(over radio):

Santa.

A bunch of new bad guys

showed up.

They're on the naughty list.

They got their gadgets

and their gizmos on them.

I'm sorry.

I think this is it, kid.

No, no, don't say that.

The naughty list...

just grows and grows.

(device whirring)

He's in that structure.

Body cams on.

TRUDY:

Don't give up.

You make a wish this time,

Santa.

Just this once.

If you could have anything

in this world,

what would it be?

SANTA: I wish I could see

Mrs. Claus again,

tell her how much I love her.

Then you make

that wish come true.

-(ring clinking)

-Oh, sh*t.

No, no, no, no. No, no.

(grunting)

Oh, God.

(grunts) No.

You said these guys,

they're naughty.

And what do you do

to the naughty ones?

I give them a lump of coal.

Yeah. Give them their lumps.

Take that coal and shove it

straight up their...

-Anuses.

-Yeah!

They're right outside.

(whooshing)

Santa's gonna eat

through these guys

like a plate full of cookies.

(whispering)

Move, move.

Hey, lock it up.

Lights down.

Stay at my back.

All right, we got this, boys.

(fierce grunting)

(yelling in pain)

-(yelps, groans)

-(neck snaps)

(gasps)

(pained yelling)

All right, where the f*ck

is my money?!

Where's the money?!

(yells)

All right, I've been

a sweetheart up to now.

But that's all over.

No more f*cking games!

Where's the money?

Or I will sh**t every last

one of you and enjoy it.

-It's in the vault.

-I just looked in the vault.

Had the money been in there,

I'd have a different

expression on my face.

Impossible.

Takes days to get

into that thing.

Not if we have the key,

Mrs. Lightstone.

GERTRUDE:

Thorp.

(sighs)

You can't trust anyone

these days.

SCROOGE:

I'm not sure how, but you

or one of your shithead kids

moved the money.

And this upsets me.

It upsets me

in a way that makes me want to

just randomly sh**t at people.

Hold on. Just... Sorry.

-Um...

-What? What?

Uh, what if you randomly sh**t

the only person

who knows where it is?

Oh, f*ck you people!

We waited

all through the year

For the day to appear

(grunting and groaning)

When we could be together

In harmony

(yells)

You know the time will come

(grunts, screams)

Peace on Earth for everyone

SANTA:

Suck on this.

(grunting, gurgling)

And we can live forever

In a world where we are free

Let it shine for you and me

There's something

about Christmastime

Something about

Christmastime

That makes you wish it was

Christmas every day...

I need some feedback, guys.

(grunting and yelling

over monitor)

Guys, what the hell is going on?

The way that

the old folks smile

Says that Christmas

will never go away

-We're all as one tonight

-(grunting and groaning)

Makes no difference

if you're Black or white

(grunting and groaning continue)

'Cause we can sing together

(screaming)

In harmony

I know it's not too late

The world would be

-A better place

-(engine starts, rumbles)

-What's that?

-Huh?

If we can keep the spirit

(grunting and groaning continue)

More than one day

in the year

Send a message

loud and clear

There's something

about Christmastime

Something about

Christmastime

That makes you wish

it was Christmas every day

(grunting, screaming)

To see the joy

in the children's eyes

The way that

the old folks smile

Says that Christmas

will never go away

It's the time of year

when everyone's together...

Jesus Christ.

Nope. Just jolly old Saint Nick.

Here on Christmas Day

(grunts)

When the ones you love

are there

You can feel the magic

in the air...

-(grunts) Oh, God!

-There you go.

A little stocking stuffer.

Where is it?

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

-I got to watch.

-f*ck!

Ho-Ho-Holy sh*t.

Christmas will never

go away.

Gertrude would never

trust anybody

who wasn't blood

with this kind of info.

So...

the in-laws wouldn't know sh*t,

which means

that I can sh**t her...

(gasping)

...unless you tell me

where the f*cking money is.

LINDA: Please don't, okay?

It's Christmas.

Shut up!

I swear,

I'll blow her brains out

unless you tell me

where the money went.

I did it!

-What?

-JASON: Okay. Yeah, I did it.

-I moved the money.

-No, d-don't-don't be an idiot.

-What?

-The money's our only leverage.

Well, my wife has a f*cking

g*n to her head, so...

Yeah, how did you find out

that we were coming, huh?

I didn't. I was stealing it.

(Linda sighs)

-Yeah, coincidence.

-ALVA: Oh, my God.

I was planning to take the money

and leave with my wife

and daughter tonight

and never come back here.

Oh, and then my mom would, uh,

read the note with her whiskey

in the morning

and know what I had done.

For years,

I have been telling you

to stop caring about

your mother's f*cking money!

And you think the solution

was to steal a bunch of it.

Well, it...

yeah, it does sound stupid

when you say it like that.

ALVA:

How can you do this right now?

It's disgusting. After all

that Mother has given us?

Come on, Alva.

Everything she ever gave you,

she made damn sure we knew

she had the power

to take right back.

I have spent years

groveling to you.

In the meanwhile,

I was destroying

the only good thing in my life.

KRAMPUS:

What are we doing here, huh?

Family therapy or doing a heist?

-Yeah, enough of this sharing

bullshit. -(Linda gasps)

All right. Where'd you put it?

(Candy Cane scoffs)

Look at this little idiot.

Oh, no.

What?

-The bad guys found me.

-Okay.

I'm coming.

You know, booby traps don't work

unless you hide them.

You little moron.

-(yelling)

-Jesus! sh*t!

(Gingerbread continues yelling)

GINGERBREAD:

Help me! Help me! Help!

(yelling, gurgling)

You'll be f... (gags)

You'll be fine.

Sit tight.

I'll be back in a sec.

(pained yelling)

Right after I k*ll

this little piece of sh*t!

(panting)

You little f*cking brat.

(creaking)

(grunts, whimpers)

(grunts)

(screams)

(grunts)

(yelling)

(squishing)

(screaming)

(grunts, yelps)

(gasping breaths)

(yells in pain)

(whimpering)

(grunts)

You're dead!

You're so f*cking dead!

f*cking piece of sh*t.

(scoffs) You little...

(gasping)

(grunting)

-Incoming!

-(gasps)

(straining)

(yelps)

(chuckles)

(straining)

(gasps)

(groaning)

(screams) Son of a f*cking...

(chuckles)

-(crunching)

-(screaming)

(groaning)

f*ck. (whimpers)

I got you now, kid.

Yeah? Heads up.

(chuckles)

That's all you got?

You f*cking...

(grunts, groans)

Enough of this sh*t. (spits)

(panting)

(hammer drops to floor)

Santa!

(Santa grunts)

Hi, Trudy. Hi.

I made booby traps like

in the movie. It was so funny.

(chuckling):

Ho, ho, ho.

(rustling)

(grunting weakly)

Trudy, I want you to, uh...

just do me a favor.

Just turn around

and close your eyes.

Maybe put your fingers

in your ears and, uh,

sing "Jingle Bells"

as loud as you can.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, how fun it is to ride...

You were about to m*rder

an innocent child.

Jingle bells,

jingle bells...

Innocent?

-It's naughty.

-(Trudy continues singing)

Naughty.

-Naughty!

-(squishing thud)

It's part of

the Lightstone legacy.

We're horrible people.

So I get why you did

what you did.

When your grandfather told me

I'd never run the company

because a girl

doesn't have what it takes,

I had to snatch the reins

away from him.

But the point is,

a Lightstone takes

what's theirs.

I'm proud of you, son.

All right, where the hell is it?

(choral Christmas music

playing over speakers)

The money's hidden inside.

SCROOGE: And the Three Wise Men

presented him with gifts

of frankincense, myrrh...

...and cold hard cash.

Load it up, boys.

All right,

we're securing the money.

k*ll the hostages

and meet us outside.

What?

No. (grunts)

BERT: Mom.

It's fine, Bert.

Everything's fine.

Okay.

Everybody, get up.

(singsongy):

It's time for a m*rder.

Come on. Come on.

You don't want to k*ll us.

You really don't.

Oh, yes, I do.

I really, really, really do.

And I'm gonna start with you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.

You got to k*ll

Aunt Linda first.

What the hell, Bert?

You want to squeeze in

being a little sh*t

before you die, Bertrude?

-I say sh**t him first.

-BERT: What?

ALVA: Wait. No, no, no.

Don't sh**t him.

Don't sh**t him first.

And don't you call him

a little sh*t,

you gold-digging bitch.

Okay. I changed my mind.

-sh**t the alcoholic bitch

first. -Don't call my mom

-an alcoholic bitch.

-Your mom's an alcoholic.

-I'm sorry.

-You're a gold-digging bitch.

Oh, I'm a gold-digger,

when I have a whole-ass career?

You're not even part

of the f*cking family.

-She's an engineer.

-You know g*dd*mn well...

Shut up!

(sighs)

Just like rats in a barrel.

Why don't you die

with some dignity?

-(grunts)

-(flame whooshes)

(yelling, grunting)

Get off of me!

ALVA:

Okay, okay.

BERT:

f*ck you!

LINDA:

This is for yelling at my child!

ALVA:

Creep!

That's for slapping me,

m*therf*cker!

ALVA: This is for

your dumb f*cking hat!

(grunting, yelling continue)

(all panting)

Is he...

Is he dead?

Yeah.

Thanks, Linda.

Well, it's nice to do something

as a family for a change.

(laughter)

-(grunts)

-(screaming) -Oh, sh*t!

KRAMPUS:

I'm gonna... (grunts)

(gurgling)

ALVA:

That was for Morgan.

He may have been stupid,

but he was very, very hot.

Oh. Trudy!

-Mommy!

-(sighs, grunts)

Thank God, baby.

(sighs heavily) Are you okay?

I'm okay, Mommy.

Okay.

This is my friend, Santa.

What the f*ck?

I can't thank you enough,

Mister...

Claus. But please call me Santa.

Mm-hmm.

SANTA:

You guys should get out of here.

It's dangerous.

They took my husband

and her grandmother.

Anybody know how to work

these gizmos?

I think so.

I used to hunt with my dad.

Ow.

Copy that. How's that looking?

-Yeah, I got it on lockdown.

-Heads on a swivel, boys.

(g*nf*re)

-Incoming!

-Heads up!

(gasps)

-(b*ll*ts whizzing)

-Oh, oh! Who's sh**ting?

-Who's...

-(yelps)

-PEPPERMINT: Cap, get down!

-SCROOGE: Watch it! Watch it!

(gasping)

(grunts, sputters)

g*n 'em down. Mow them all down.

(whimpering)

(yells)

(g*nf*re continues)

-All right, let's get the f*ck

out of here. -Let's go.

-Go where?

-Come on, move, you old bat.

GERTRUDE: Get your f*cking

hands off of me.

(grunts)

(engines starting)

(yells)

Oh! Oh, sh*t.

My balls! My f*cking balls!

-(engine sputtering)

-(grunting)

(screaming)

Ow, my balls! Why did you

sh**t me in the ball...

(choral Christmas music

continues over speakers)

Oh, Jesus.

Sorry.

(panting)

Don't worry about us, Mr. Claus.

We got this.

JASON:

Who is that guy?

He said he was Mr. Claus.

-f*ck. Trudy.

-No, no.

She's in the house. She's okay.

She's safe.

-Oh, thank God.

-Yeah.

(both panting)

(g*n clicks)

LINDA:

No, no.

-Oh... go, go, go, go, go.

-No, no, no. Wait, wait.

(grunting and groaning)

(screaming)

(grunts)

(panting)

(grunting, panting)

(choral Christmas music

continues over speakers)

-(whimpers)

-(grunts)

(screaming)

(engines buzzing nearby)

(yells)

Oh, sh*t!

-Ho, ho!

-(engine revving)

f*ck!

(choral Christmas music

playing over speakers)

(gasping weakly)

(straining, gasping)

(grunts)

(grunting)

(yelps)

(whimpers softly)

-(gasping weakly)

-f*cking die.

(straining)

(Linda exhales sharply)

(coughing)

(choral Christmas music ends)

(coughing, gasping)

(grunting)

(panting)

SCROOGE: Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yeah, over here. Over here.

Santa!

Come on!

Yeah.

(engine revving)

(screaming)

(grunts)

(groaning, panting)

(grunting)

(b*ll*ts ricocheting)

(groaning)

(g*n clicking)

(gasping)

f*ck.

(Santa groaning)

You're real?

You're... him.

You're you.

That's what I've been trying

to tell you.

The real g*dd*mn Santa Claus.

This is not your night, pal.

Oh, I don't know.

I think you're wrong.

I think my whole shitty life's

built up to this moment.

Because when I k*ll you,

this whole g*dd*mn holiday

finally ends.

Whatever it takes...

...Christmas dies tonight.

(yelling, grunting)

(engine revving)

(yells, whimpers)

(grunting)

(screams)

(grunting and groaning)

(both yelling)

(both panting, grunting)

(Santa coughing)

(grunting, panting)

(Scrooge chuckles)

Whoa! (grunts)

(laughs, grunts)

(grunting and groaning)

(yells in pain)

(song playing with indistinct chanted vocal)

(grunting and groaning continue)

(screaming)

(Scrooge straining)

(both straining)

(yells in pain)

(laughs)

(screams)

(grunting and groaning continue)

The last Christmas.

(grunting)

Not if you still believe.

No!

(grunting, screaming)

(laughing)

(continues laughing)

(g*nf*re)

(Santa grunting)

I have no idea what the f*ck

is going on here.

But this ends now.

Damn right it does.

(engines buzzing)

LINDA:

Trudy, be careful.

(panting, groaning)

TRUDY:

Santa!

Oh, no. Santa.

Oh, no.

(Jason sighs)

You saved my daughter.

SANTA:

No.

She saved me.

Help him. Please help him.

Honey, I don't think

there's anything we can do.

SANTA:

It's okay. It's okay.

It's too late for that.

Too late.

I'm cold. (whimpers)

I haven't felt cold in years.

We need to keep him warm.

All of the fires are going out.

We need to find

something to burn.

I got an idea.

Whoa.

No.

No, no, no, no. No, Jason, no.

TRUDY:

Please, Santa.

I don't want you to die.

ALVA:

Jason, let's slow this down.

What are you doing?

I've lived longer

than any man should ever live.

He's pretty much dead.

What the hell is happening?

-You don't need to burn money.

-JASON: Okay. More. Yeah.

You can't die, Santa.

You have to get up.

I think I used up

all my Christmas magic.

Sorry.

I'm s... I'm sorry I can't

give you what you asked for.

(sniffling)

Take that. Take that.

TRUDY:

But you did.

Santa, please don't die.

Wake up. Wake up.

We need to get him

close to the fire.

Jason.

(crying):

Just wake up.

Please.

No.

Oh, I am so, so sorry.

-This man...

-(Trudy crying)

This brave, brave man,

whoever he was...

He's Santa.

The real Santa. He is.

And I still believe in him.

I'll always believe in you,

Santa.

I believe in him, too.

He saved Trudy.

He saved our family.

What's realer than that?

Then maybe...

I believe in him, too.

(sighs) So do I.

Oh, sh*t.

I guess...

I guess I do, too.

ALVA:

f*ck me.

I believe, too.

(coughs)

(gasps) Oh, my God.

Santa!

(Santa grunting)

(panting)

JASON:

You...

You were dead.

Christmas magic.

I still don't really

understand...

how it works.

(Santa chuckling)

Thank you.

I don't know

how we can ever repay you.

Well, you brought me back

from the dead,

so we'll call it even.

(scoffs) Even?

We just b*rned

half a million dollars.

-Look, Santa!

-Hmm?

Look who came.

(reindeer grunting)

Now you show up, huh?

You leave me here to die,

come back after

all the work's done, huh?

You know what? I should make

you guys into a stew

and feed you to the elves!

(reindeer grunting)

Yes, Blitzen!

Yes, I'm talking to you!

You, too, Prancer.

You got my sack.

My spare... You went home

and you got my spare sack?

Oh, God, I can't stay mad

at you guys.

I... (sniffles)

(chuckling):

Aw. I can't. I can't.

Aw. (chuckles)

Aw.

(sighs)

(chuckles)

Hello, beautiful.

Skullcrusher!

(takes deep breath)

Guess this is goodbye.

I got to go.

Do you have to?

(sighs)

It's Christmas Eve,

and there's a lot of...

boys and girls on the nice list

that want their presents,

you know?

Thank you.

For what?

For believing in me.

For reminding me

that Christmas still matters.

And that I still...

matter.

(sighs)

You gave me

my "ho, ho, ho" back.

(chuckling)

All right. Get out of here.

Merry Christmas!

Hyah!

Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!

Now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid!

On, Donner and Blitzen!

Come on, you beautiful bastards!

We've got some work to do!

Hyah!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

("Merry Christmas Everybody" by Slade playing)

Are you hanging up

your stocking on your wall?

It's the time that

every Santa has a ball

Does he ride

a red-nosed reindeer?

Does a ton-up on his sleigh?

Do the fairies

keep him sober for a day?

So here it is

Merry Christmas

Everybody's having fun

Look to the future now

It's only just begun

Are you waiting for

the family to arrive?

Are you sure you got

The room to spare inside?

Does your granny

always tell ya

That the old songs

are the best?

Then she's up

and rock-and-rolling

With the rest

Hey, yo!

What's Gucci, squad fam?

It's the Bert Locker,

living the dream.

You know what? See this guy?

Dead as hell.

Santa's real, all right?

Don't end up

on the naughty list.

Do better.

Bert Lightstone out.

So here it is

Merry Christmas

Everybody's having fun

Look to the future now

It's only just begun

So here it is

Merry Christmas

Everybody's having fun

-It's Christmas!

-Look to the future now

It's only just begun.

(song ends)

("Santa Has Had Enough of

Christmas" by Dom Lewis plays)

Ding dong merrily on high

Let's be good

-This coming yuletide

-Ding dong verily the sky

Or you'll see

Kris Kringle's cruel side

Santa's getting mad,

better not be bad

Gonna go to bed on time

this Christmas

We don't want to be

on that list

-Santa Claus is gonna get

-Unhappy!

He's told you once,

he's told you twice

Too much naughty,

not enough nice

Santa Claus has had enough

of Christmas

Where's the love

and where's the joy?

Always cash and never a toy

Santa Claus has had enough

of Christmas

Ah...

Santa's getting mad

-Don't you make Santa crazy

-Better not be bad

-Gonna go to bed on time

this Christmas -Baby

We don't want to be

on that list

-Santa Claus is gonna get

-Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho

If you don't want

Coal this Christmas

Deck the halls

with boughs of holly

Make sure you keep

Santa jolly

Don't make his reindeer

Cause you some pain, dear

Santa's getting mad,

better not be bad

Gonna go to bed on time

this Christmas

We don't want to be

on that list

-Santa Claus is gonna get

-Ooh-ooh...

Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la

Ooh-fa-la-la

Don't make him crazy

Ooh-fa-la-la

Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la

Ooh-fa-la-la,

ooh-fa-la-la

Ooh-fa-la-la, ooh-fa-la-la

Ooh-fa-la-la,

ooh-fa-la-la

Ooh-fa-la-la

Hark, the herald angels sing

Dashing through the snow

On the first day

of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Good King Wenceslas

looked out

On the Feast of Stephen

-Jingle bells.

-(song ends)

Ding dong merrily on high

In heaven,

the bells are ringing

Glo-o-o-oria

Hosanna

In excelsis.

(music ends)
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