01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Britain and America, the two greatest g*dd*mn nations in the world.

Anyone who disagrees with me is a dirty foreigner.

We share so much.

A language, a moral high ground, and a love of w*r.

But what about the people of Britain and America - the ordinary folk who make these lands so great? Who are they? What do they? How do you do? Let's take a looking at them now, in Little Britain USA.

One thing both of our countries can be proud of is the finest juvenile delinquents in the world.

At this boot camp in Utah, some new inmates have arrived.

Everybody out! On the double! Make a line! Move it, ladies, move it, ladies, move! Let's go! Welcome to Wilderness Lodge.

You are here for a reason.

Arson, drug abuse, v*olence.

It's going to be tough.

But if you stick to the rules, you'll survive.

OK.

Roll call.

- Leitasha Dean? - Yeah.

- Haley Evans? - Yeah.

- Natalie Kirk.

- Yeah.

Vicky Pollard.

Yeah.

But, no, but yeah, but no, but yeah.

It is me, but I shouldn't actually be here or something or nothing, because let me tell you the whole thing.

A whole load of us went to Disney World, only we all got chucked out for b*ating up the Aristocats, and Hannah Garvey said we should all go back in after midnight and burn down the Peter Pan ride, as a joke.

So we all went back.

But I never done nothing, only pour the petrol, light the match.

That is it.

All of a sudden, I well started getting blamed for it.

But if Kelly Raymond says it was me, don't listen to her, cos everyone knows she dyes her moustache.

I have no idea what you just said.

What the hell are you talking about? Oh, my God, you're so r*cist.

I just told you the whole thing, so shut up! Have you been talking to Shelley Cayman? Because she is well a mixer.

She completely hates me because she really fancies Tony Tozer, and she's really had it in for me ever since Tony fingered me round the back of the youth hostel.

When she found out, she went totally mental.

Anyway, I was never even anywhere near that river, so how could I have pushed that woman in? OK, shut up now, you're giving me a headache.

I never even said anything anyway.

Cos this place is, like, well gay.

I said shut up! Yeah, and I have shut up.

So shut up telling me to shut up.

Shut up! Yeah, everyone, shut up.

(SHOUTING) I said shut up! Shut up.

That was an echo.

OK, everybody inside on the double.

You will be given your bunk assignments.

Move! Can I just say something, actually, cos I haven't actually had the chance to say anything yet? I'm well not sharing.

Can I just say that? Know that fat girl with the manky foot? She was eyeing me up on the coach.

I reckon she's a lezzer.

I don't want to be getting changed and have her staring at my Dawson's Creek.

Run! Fine.

Britain has had rude and unhelpful receptionists for thousands of years.

Carol Beer exemplifies this fine tradition.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

Welcome to St John's Hospital.

My name is Carol.

How can I help you? We need to go straight to the maternity ward.

Right.

Admissions.

- Name? - Helen Fisher.

You don't look like a Helen.

- No.

I'm Helen Fisher.

- I'm Graham Fisher.

Are you brother and sister? No, we're married.

My wife's about to have a baby.

Computer says no.

What? Baby's not due yet.

I've got you down for next week.

Oh, whoa.

Look, her water broke, OK? She's having it now.

This is urgent.

Right.

Better put you under urgent admissions.

Just waiting for the page to come up.

The computer's a bit slow today.

Right.

Name? Helen Fisher.

How did you hear about the hospital? It's just our nearest hospital.

OK? How satisfied are you with the cleanliness of the hospital? - It's fine, it's fine! - On a scale of one to ten? One being extremely dissatisfied to ten being almost too satisfied.

Look! My wife is about to give birth.

- Can you just call the doctor, please? - It's Dr Seymour.

Computer says no.

Why? We've got more than one Dr Seymour.

Do you mean the Dr Seymour in the maternity ward or the Dr Seymour in the artificial limb unit? Well, what do you think? I think it's probably the one in the maternity ward.

Oh! I think it's coming.

This is unbelievable.

Would you just call the doctor, please?! Dr Seymour.

Dr Seymour! He's not responding.

On the telephone! Hello, Ticketmaster? I'd like to book a ticket for Phantom Of The Opera, please.

Yes, I'll hold.

I'll call him straight after.

(COUGHS) British people have always been fascinated by the Deep South.

We marvel at how liberal your views are there, compared to ours.

Did you hear on the local news about the man downtown? They say he got att*cked just for the colour of his skin.

That's terrible.

There's so much racism nowadays.

There was plenty of racism in your day, Grandma.

You may think that, but truth is, folk were pretty tolerant in them days.

I remember in the town there was a black gentleman.

He was a preacher, man of God.

And he ran for mayor.

And some of the townfolk elders were up in arms.

"We ain't gonna vote for no n*gro," they said.

But he was a popular man.

And he became mayor.

Well, that's wonderful.

Turned out he was also a Jew, so we sh*t him.

Divorce is now such a cultural phenomenon in America that Dolly Parton even wrote a famous song about it called, of course, 9 To 5.

So you're leaving me for a woman? - Yeah.

- Now you're a lesbian.

Yeah.

Look, can we just get this over with? I think this is your Scrabble.

Yeah.

I just didn't see the signs.

I had no clue you were into women.

Ellen DeGeneres Live In Lesbos? Yeah, it's mine.

No Balls, Please - the autobiography of Billie-Jean King? - It's mine.

- You sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

Jodie Foster's Comfortable Shoes? Oh, yeah.

I asked for those for Christmas, remember? Yeah.

KD Lang action figure? Anne Heche, The Early Years.

Cagney And Lacey massage oil? Yeah, these are all mine.

Yeah.

Set of The L-Word egg cups.

Oh, yeah, I never use those, but they are mine.

Yeah.

Virginia Woolf blow-up doll? Oh! That was a present from from Gillian.

So her name's Gillian? Yeah.

Oprah And Gayle's Big Book Of Dungarees.

They're not lesbians, are they? No.

No.

Martina Navratilova's Guide To Drinking From The Furry Cup? Yeah, that's mine, too.

I guess that's it.

I suppose this is goodbye.

Wait a sec, what's this? Sir lan McKellen's Book Of Men's Bottoms? Oh, that's mine.

80% of Americans are morbidly obese.

The other 20% are just plain fat.

That's why British weight-loss instructor Marjorie Dawes has come to dispense advice.

Hello, fatties! Hello.

My God, some of you are big! OK.

I'd like to start with a little game that I play with my British chubs, called What's My Low-Fat Option? All right? Now, we all like fattening foods, don't we? Yeah.

That's why we're fat, isn't it? Well, you are, I'm not.

So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to ask you each to tell me your favourite fattening food, and then I'm going to come up with a low-fat option for you.

All right? Who wants to go first? Pop your fat paws up.

Yes, my love? Hi, I'm Jenny.

And I like ice cream.

Mmm, ice cream.

I think you love ice cream, don't you? Mmm.

Well, my advice to you, big Jenny, would be, instead of ice cream, have an ice cube.

Yes? They're delicious and very low in fat.

So I'm going to put that up on the board because that's your low-fat option.

Ice koob.

It's quite fun, this, isn't it? It's a good laugh.

OK.

So who wants to go next? Yes, you, the fat man.

- It's Tony.

- Fat Tony, yeah.

I love hamburgers.

I eat a hamburger every day.

Every hour, by the looks of you! Cos he's very fat, yeah.

Now, what I would say to you, fat Tony, is, it's the things inside the burger that make them fattening.

OK? So cut out the mayonnaise, cut out the Swiss cheese, cut out the ketchup, cut out the beef, and just have the bun.

OK? And that's your low-fat option.

All right? Dry bun.

Delish! OK, so let's have another fatty.

Who have we got? Yes, my illegal friend, yes, what's your favourite fattening food? Chocolate.

Sorry, I couldn't quite Chocolate.

- Do it again.

- Chocolate.

- Do it again? - Chocolate? - Do it again.

- Chocolate.

- Do it again.

- Chocolate.

- Do it again.

- Chocolate.

- Do it again.

- Chocolate.

I don't know what she's saying.

- Do it again.

- Chocolate.

She doesn't know what she's - Do it again.

- Chocolate.

- Do it again? - Chocolate.

- Do it again.

- Chocolate.

(EXCHANGE GETS FASTER) - Chocolate.

Chocolate.

Chocolate.

- Do it again, do it again.

- Chocolate.

- Do it again.

- Chocolate.

- Oh, choc! No, do it again.

Chocolate.

Mmm.

Must be something they eat over there.

I don't know.

Beans, I would imagine.

So what is the low-fat alternative to beans? Anybody? A bean.

OK.

Yes.

And that is your low-fat option.

OK? All right.

So, we've got time for one more.

Yes, the old one, yes.

Actually, I just wanted to let everyone know my birthday's today, and if anyone would like to come to my place afterwards for drinks, you're welcome.

No, we shan't.

Well, we remembered, and so I baked you this cake.

Happy birthday! No! I'm confiscating this.

- But it's her birthday, I made it.

- I'm sorry, it's for her own good.

If she took one bite, we'd have to roll her out of here.

OK, that's all we've got time for, so if you'd like to waddle out of the room, we'll see you all next week.

Cheerio! We can have a drink, I guess.

I got to tell her something, I'll be right there.

Um, I'm going on vacation next Friday so I won't be here for the class next week - is that OK? Marjorie? Marjorie? Sure.

Just make sure you eat sensibly while you're away.

Many miles away, in Dayton, Ohio, this American couple are waiting for their British relatives to arrive.

I made some cucumber sandwiches and some scones.

What do British people like to drink? Tea will be fine, I'm sure.

With cold milk.

I am nervous.

I just want everything to be right for them.

I know they're rather proper, but he's just my cousin, honey, it'll be fine.

OK.

(DOORBELL) Oh.

- Hi, welcome, Gerald.

- Hello, cousin.

Celia you know.

- Yes, of course.

- Lovely to meet you.

Little Harvey.

Harvey, oh, my goodness, how big you've got! Please, come in.

Set your luggage anywhere.

- Kelly is in the kitchen making tea.

- Tea, wonderful.

- It's a lovely house you have here.

- Yes, it's beautiful.

I'm sure it doesn't compare to your stately home.

But we like it.

- Tea, anybody? - Ah! - This is my wife, Kelly.

- Hello.

It's so nice to finally meet you.

- Hello.

- Hi, Harvey.

What can I get everyone? I'll begin with a sandwich, please.

Same for me, please.

Thank you.

Are you going to have anything, Harvey? - Bitty.

- You had bitty on the plane, darling.

Want bitty.

Are you absolutely sure you don't mind us staying for the whole week? Oh, don't be silly.

It'll be a pleasure having you here.

- Bitty! - Maybe later, hmm? Want bitty now! Come on, Harvey.

You've had enough bitty for one day.

- Want bitty.

- Oh, all right, then.

So, what do you recommend we do while we're here? The um, the art museum is popular.

I hope they don't have too much of that modern art.

Mmm! - Or National - Park.

Park may be more your thing.

Ow! Ooh, you're biting me.

Sorry, Mummy.

We'd better make a proper list, hadn't we, Gerald? - Oh, yes, make a list, dear.

- (BURPS) - No, no, that's enough now, Harvey.

- Want more bitty! - I'm sorry, I've got nothing left.

- Want more bitty.

Bitty.

Would you mind? Oh Well, we're all family.

On both sides of the Atlantic, marriage is a wonderful way of destroying not just your own life, but also somebody else's.

Monkeys.

That looks like the male monkey over there.

That smaller, fat, ugly one must be the female monkey.

So Sitting at opposite ends.

Couldn't be further apart from each other.

So Maybe they were once in love, but that love d*ed a long time ago, and all his hopes and dreams with it.

Now they're trapped in a cage imprisoned together in misery.

I really am now just waiting for you to die.

Right, the tortoise.

Over at the White House, the President is having his first meeting with the new British Prime Minister.

Do you have the documents British Intelligence put together? I have them here.

I got the Foreign Office to make a copy for you.

What are the b*llet points? Basically, there is a potential thr*at to our countries.

Nuclear capabilities in the Middle East are being built up.

As we thought.

What we need to do, Mr President, is put on a show of strength.

It's a good idea, Prime Minister.

Maybe if we pose together with our shirts off for the world's press? What? We could get all oiled up and have a wrestle.

- Wrestle? - Yeah, cos wrestling is quite macho.

I'd let you win, obviously.

Cos you're the President of the United States of America.

I'm not so sure that's a great idea, Prime Minister.

Why don't I get my advisers to put together a few options for us? We wouldn't have to be naked.

No? Unless you want, no.

We could wear thongs.

Probably be more appropriate, as we are world leaders.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Sorry to bother you.

Hello, darling.

Prime Minister, have you met Mrs Steele? - Is she your mum? - No, she's my wife.

- Hello, Prime Minister.

- Hi.

- Welcome to the White House.

- Whatever.

Are you enjoying your stay here with us? Um, I was, yeah.

Sorry, we're having a meeting here.

About, like, world things.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Darling, I just came by to let you know I've managed to move my meeting forward and I can join you for dinner this evening.

- Excellent.

- Do we really want her there? - We'll see you at eight.

- Great.

Goodbye, Prime Minister.

Yeah! Goodbye! - Where were we? - Um oh, yes.

- Prime Minister, please! - Oh, my God, you're gorgeous.

- I want you inside me right now.

- Whoa, whoa! You know, maybe we should resume our talks about the Middle East tomorrow.

Yes, of course, Mr President.

Thank you for your time.

Ooh, don't! I'm ticklish! Oh, God! Prime Minister.

Oh, Mr President.

You could do some damage with that.

Please.

That's what I call a w*apon of mass destruction.

If you like your home, your clothes and all your personal effects to smell of dog, why not get a dog? Phyllis Church is a typical American dog-owner.

Have you finished your business yet, Mr Doggy? (GRUFFLY) Oh, yes, Mama, that was a big dinner you gave me last night.

Oh! Did you enjoy it? (GRUFFLY) It was delicious.

I must be the luckiest dog in the world, having a mama like you.

Oh, thank you! Well, we'd better clean this up.

(GRUFFLY) I wanna see you poop.

I'm sorry? (GRUFFLY) I wanna see you poop.

You always see me poop.

I wanna see you poop.

Well, um no, I I can't do that.

(GRUFFLY) Sure you can! You can poop for me, it'd be cool.

No now, come on, Mr Doggy, let me take you to the pet store and buy you a nice ball.

- (GRUFFLY) Poop! - No.

(GRUFFLY) Poop for me! I said no! (GRUFFLY) If you loved me, you'd do it.

I don't think I can poop right now.

(GRUFFLY) Sure you can, you've been farting like a trooper all afternoon! Well, um maybe a little one.

(GRUFFLY) Do it, God damn it! It's not easy! (GRUFFLY) Just relax.

That's disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourself! Oh! I can explain! (GRUFFLY) You are one crazy bitch! Oh! People in Britain like to keep fit by taking long walks and regular masturbation, whereas in America, people like to attend gyms, like this one.

Incredible work-out.

Incredible work-out.

So did you close the deal with that girl last night? Huh! Which one? - The one you were with last night.

- Mo? The one you says looks like Gisele.

Oh, she's exactly like her, man.

She's black and four foot six, but people ask her if she's Gisele Bündchen, like, all the time.

Nice! Double nice.

So this black, dwarf Gisele look-alike, you give it to her? Oh, she got it.

She got it good, I gave it to her so hard.

I pounded her, man! Pounded her! I pounded her for like nearly a minute.

I had sex last month.

On your own or with someone else? With a woman.

I love sex with a woman, it's one of my favourite kinds.

Me, too! I gave it to her real good.

She couldn't walk when I was done with her! - Is she the one in the wheelchair? - That's the one, yeah.

And she got it, she got it good! I bent her over, I was like "Can you take this? Can you take this, bitch?" What you lookin' at? Uh, nothing.

What are you, a f*g? Uh no.

Hey, man.

I'm going to the beach.

- Can you do my bikini line? - Sure.

That guy still looking? Fruit.

And so our cultural exchange is at an end, but what have we learnt? Well, that although the people of our two great nations have many differences, we also have many differences.

Join us next time when we'll do more finding out about Britain and America and that, and we'll carry on learning about all that sort of stuff and what have you.

Goodbye!