01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Britain and America.

It's always been us against the world.

If there's a country to be invaded or a w*r to be waged, we do it together.

So what if the rest of the world hates us? We don't care.

They're all foreign anyway.

But what unites our two countries? Well, I'll tell you the answer to the question I've just asked as soon as I've finished saying this sentence.

It's the people.

The people of Britain and America.

Let's look at them now, in Little Britain USA.

The most important person in America, after Simon Cowell, is the President, who today is meeting his French counterpart.

I think, perhaps at the next meeting of the UN, we should propose a motion to instigate a trade embargo.

I think I will be able to sell the idea to my cabinet, but I worry what the rest of Europe will think.

I believe we need to present the strongest case we can, then put it to the vote.

- Morning, Mr.

President.

- Good morning, Prime Minister.

Who's this? Ah! This is President Montand of France.

Yeah, I know who he is.

What's he doing here? Pleased to meet you, Prime Minister.

Whatever! Can I have a word? Excuse me.

Myself and President Montand are having a meeting.

I only came to say goodbye.

I'm a bit surprised he's here already.

I don't understand.

Well, I haven't even left yet! You've already got one of your Euro sluts in.

- Right.

- I feel a bit used.

President Montand and I have a lot to discuss before next week's UN summit.

I don't like him.

What?! - I don't like the way he looks at you.

- I don't know what you mean.

I don't know if it's love or lust, but he's obviously got something for you.

Don't be ridiculous! He's gay.

He's not gay! He's married! So am I.

Gentlemen, are you going to be long? Sorry, dear, I don't speak French! Is there a problem? Yeah.

I've got a problem.

Vous.

Excuse me.

The President and I were in the middle of a very important meeting.

As you know, France and America have a special relationship.

What?! Yes, we do have a special relationship.

But I thought you said we had a special relationship! We do.

Well, ha! How many special relationships are you having?! You are being ridiculous.

Yeah, not too close, dear.

Ooh, she reeks of garlic.

Prime Minister, I'm sure you don't wish to delay your plane.

I'll see you next week at the summit.

Oh, you want me to go? Oh, well, that's fine, actually, cos I was gonna go anyway.

Yeah, I've actually got a meeting with the President of Russia.

Me and him are having a special relationship now.

Really? Yeah.

It's not like your special relationship.

It doesn't involve kissing.

Oh, dear, I've said it.

Goodbye, Prime Minister.

Goodbye, Prime Minister.

Bitch.

Where were we? We were discussing the trade embargo.

Ah, yes.

I have some documents that we should go through.

So, broadly, France is in agreement on this? Oh, yes.

I'm right behind you.

This boot camp is home to Vicky Pollard, a member ofBritain's thriving underclass.

Of course, in America, she will be considered aristocracy.

That's when I started messing around with dr*gs and stealing and then I'd steal to feed the drug habit and I realise now, I was just in a lot of pain and I think being here at camp has really helped me understand that.

Thank you for sharing that with us, Lindsay.

It's very moving.

Thank you.

Vicky.

What?! Tell us a bit about your home life.

No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, because I live at home with Shelley and she could be my mum, but she might be my sister.

I'm not sure.

Maybe she's both.

Anyway, she's, like, well harsh because once, right, she grounded me for fifteen minutes and it was so unfair because all I did, right, was go down Baskin Robbins cos Denise Welby got a Saturday job there and I made her give me all the money out the till and shat in the mint choc chip.

I think I got some of that.

And what about school? Oh, yeah.

I went there once.

It was all right.

You went there once? Yeah, yeah.

I done math or something or nothing, histography, biomistry and, oh, what's that one where they're all talking some weird language and that - And you can't really understand it? - French? No, English.

Right.

And what brought you here to camp? A bus.

Er, no, no.

I mean what sort of behaviour brought you here? Er, did you experiment with dr*gs? Oh, my God, that is so out of order! I tried dr*gs, like, once for, like, eight years but apart from that I ain't not never, ever done nothing or nothing.

Anyway, if anyone should be here it's Kelly Bailey, cos she's been saying really nasty things about me in front of my back cos she's well jealous cos she really, really fancies Steven Dean and he took me up the wrong 'un round the back of Dunkin' Donuts.

But just cos I done it with him don't mean I fancy him.

I'm not a slag.

OK, er Do you feel your time here at camp has helped you? Er, I'd love to say yes, because I have really been trying, because I am actually a very trying person, but unfortunately, I have been really put off, because all the other girls here are b*tches, apart from Suzanne who's a total bitch, because she flobbed in Amber's hair and blamed it on me and I was like, "Oh, my God! - "I can't believe you just said that!" - I never did anything close to that.

Why would I even do that? Hello, hello? Hello? This is a restroom, or, as the British like to call it, the shitter.

They've approved it, so the merger should be finalised by Thursday Great, so we can announce it to the trade press Friday.

Yeah.

Don't worry! Don't worry! I don't looking.

I'm just here to clean toilet.

Of course, what we really should be doing right now is looking for other businesses to acquire.

Don't worry! Don't worry! I don't looking.

I just have to clean here.

Interesting you should say that.

I was just talking to a friend on Wall Street who says that Don't worry.

Don't worry.

I don't looking.

I don't looking at penis at all.

There's never been a better time to buy into leisure industries.

Oh, yeah.

Boom time.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

I don't looked at penis.

I don't looked at penis at all.

Just to confirm, I definitely don't looked at penis.

I don't look at penis at all.

I don't do it.

I don't do it.

Thank you.

So sorry about your penis.

Very sensibly, it is legal to carry a g*n in America.

And what better way to let offsteam than to go out sh**ting defenceless animals? Wow! Think you could take it down? - Gotcha! Woohoo! - Woohoo! Yeah! Woohoo! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoa! Whoa.

Whoa.

Yeah.

That's gotta be two, two and a half inches? At least.

Hey-hoo! Wa-hoo! Wooo-hoo! Hey-hoo! At this university in North Carolina, h*m* Dafydd Thomas has come to study.

Gay society.

Society for gays! Hey, are you new here? Oh, yes, it's my first week.

And you've already started up your own gay society? Yes.

I grew up in a small village in Wales and it was very difficult for me.

- I I felt very alone.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yes, it wasn't easy being the only gay in the village.

Well, you're very welcome to join the chess society.

- Is it gay chess? - Er, no.

Just chess.

- No, thank you, then.

- Hey, how about rock climbing? No, I cannot rock climb.

I'm gay, you see.

I prefer to spend my time in the company of other gays who know what it's like to be gay.

You should be in luck.

I mean, there must be lots of gay students here.

We'll see.

Well, I've been here five seconds and no-one's joined.

Clearly I am the only gay on campus.

Good day.

Hey.

This guy looks like he might be gay.

I doubt it.

Oh, er, rock climbing just here.

No, I'm here for gay society.

Yes, but this society is for gays only.

Is cool by me.

Yeah, this great.

No, er, I'm afraid membership is full up.

No.

How many members you got? Just the one.

Me.

Why don't you let me join? This society is for gays only.

I am gay.

No, you are not a gay.

I am the gay.

You're just very slightly effeminate.

- I am gay.

I've known it since I was two.

- Really? Yes.

And I come out to my mama when I was five.

You were probably going through a phase.

No.

I'm gay for sure.

I just been blowing my roommate.

Disgusting! What is your problem? What you gonna do anyway in your gay society? Well, if you must know, I'm going to sit alone in my room and think gay thoughts.

You know, about men's bottoms and that.

It's no good being gay on yourself.

You gotta get out there and do it! I can't have sex with a man.

I'm gay! Crazy.

You shouldn't be running this gay society.

I should.

I want to meet some cute guys.

Come on.

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Gay society! Society for gays! Ah, come here, cute guys with the blond hair and the little beard.

Bet you like it up the bum-bum.

OK.

How many inches are you, please? This British family are enjoying their breakfast.

British people traditionally have three meals a day, unlike Americans, who prefer to eat around 15.

One boiled egg.

Oh, thank you so much, dear.

Well, I've studied the guide book.

There's plenty to do.

Yeah, and David'll have some good ideas.

He's just in the shower.

Celia, can I get you some more breakfast? No.

I'm fine, thank you.

I had some toast.

OK.

Harvey, what would you like? Bitty.

I'm sorry? Bitty.

Oh, not bitty now, darling.

Have an egg or something.

- I don't want an egg.

I want bitty.

- No, darling.

I think we should visit the art gallery first.

Oh, yes.

Then we can go somewhere nice for lunch.

- Bitty.

Bitty.

- Oh, all right, then.

Do excuse me.

The other place I wanted to visit is the history museum.

They've got some Native American artefacts.

Sounds fascinating, dear.

- Oh, started already.

Ha.

Morning.

- Morning.

Morning! Oh, honey, we're out of milk.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I meant to get some more.

Don't worry.

There's plenty more here.

Oh! Sorry! There we are.

Good.

Eat up.

Let me know if you need more.

This is the home ofBing Gordyn, the eighth man on the moon.

The British have never been to the moon, but some of us have been to Belgium.

It's, er, just through here.

Pictures, memorabilia.

This is the radiator? Yes, this is the one.

Just underneath this signed letter I have from the President congratulating me on my moon landing.

Right.

And what is problem with the radiator? Oh, it lets off a kind of hissing noise when you turn it on.

Oh, er, I'll just move this piece of moon rock out of your way in case this piece of moon rock gets in your way.

Better.

Moon rock.

Ah.

What's your name, my Indian friend? Sanjit.

Huh.

You ever been to the moon, Sanjit? No, sir.

I have.

Think of that! You thought you were here just to fix some guy's radiator.

Turns out you're meeting old Bing Gordyn, the eighth man on the moon.

And when you turn it off it's still hissing? No.

Yeah, it's No, when you turn it off it doesn't hiss.

So, has it been giving off any heat? No, it's been pretty cold.

Not as cold as the moon, which, as I say, I went to.

You can see right there a picture of me on the moon.

That's me, yeah, me on the moon.

Look at it, you prick! Yeah, er, I think it is faulty valve.

Could anybody have tampered with it, sir? That is impossible, Sanjit.

I replace valve now.

Would you like a cup of coffee, my Indian friend? No, thank you.

I'll make you a cup of coffee.

You might want a cup of coffee.

I have your coffee.

Over.

I have replaced valve.

Charge is $120.

Have to find money.

I've got some here.

Yup.

Here.

Thank you.

Moooooooooon! Hi, I need a plumber, please.

In Mississippi, British tourist Lou has been out shopping for his friend, Andy.

We don't have shops or money yet in Britain.

We barter mainly.

For example, livestock, grain, wives.

I'm back.

Yeah, I know.

Got any coins? Andy? Yeah? Where did you get that? That what? That toy car ride thing-a-me-gigga-be.

Er Found it.

You found it.

Yeah.

I'm not sure I believe you, Mr.

Pipkin.

I think you might be telling lies again.

Earliertoday the Wal-Mart in downtown Jackson was the scene of a bizarre crime when a man, posing as a disabled wheelchair user, was caught on the security camera stealing a coin-operated children's ride.

Noooo! The suspect was wearing thick spectacles, burgundy jogging pants and a dirty t*nk top.

The police have issued the following composite sketch of the suspect.

Black fella did it.

In America, if you are white, overweight and in your 60s, you are rounded up and put on a cruise ship.

- Good night, Captain.

- Good night.

Oh! Mrs.

Devere! Call me Bubbles, darling, everybody does.

What are you doing here?! Oh, don't play the innocent with me, darling.

You gave me a look tonight over dinner.

- Did I?! - Yes, darling.

It was a look that said, "Forget about your large, unpaid gambling debt.

"Come to my cabin later, at about 11.

15 or so, and make sweet, beautiful love to me.

" Please leave.

Ha! "Please leave"! We all know what that means, don't we, Captain? It means, "Please don't leave.

" Mrs.

Devere, you're not going to get out of paying off your gambling debts by seducing me.

It's not going to work.

Really, darling? I know you've made love to a woman and I'm sure you've made love to a fish.

But I bet you've never made love to a mermaid! What the?! Have you ever had sexual intercourse in the ocean, Captain? No, I have not.

Oh, it's so romantic.

You'll just have to be careful you don't get saltwater in your vag*na or anus.

Get out of my cabin, Mrs.

Devere.

Er Very well, darling.

Would you at least be a gentleman and help me up? Careful, darling.

I'm as light as air.

Thank you so much, darling.

Oh, Captain, what would people say if they could see us right now? This isn't going to work.

- Kiss me, darling.

- No.

Touch my breast with your hand.

No.

Tweak a nipple? - Get out! - Oh.

You can stick your finger up my bum.

No! Meanwhile, the hunters are still stalking their prey.

Woo-hoo! Yee-ha! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Man, that's some wasp.

It's a beauty.

Oh, my God! It's still alive! I think he's dead.

Gotta be sure.

Argh! More wasp? Oh, er, no, thanks.

I'm saving room for some mouse meat.

This is an art class.

Britain has produced many great artists.

Pablo Picasso - British.

Vincent van Gogh - British.

Leonardo da Vinci - British.

As we all know, America has produced no artists of note.

So, our model should be here any moment.

Now, today is Life Drawing.

What I want you to concentrate on is technical precision.

Bonjour! - Er, can I help you? - Emily.

Emily Howard.

We spoke on the telephone.

I am the "modelle" for this evening.

Right.

We were expecting a Lady.

Yes, I am a lady.

Uh-huh.

Have you done this sort of thing before, or? Oh, yes, yes.

I've modelled for all the magazines.

Vogue, Elle, Vanity Fair and sh*t.

Well, we'd better get started.

Oh! Of course! So how do you want me? Hmm? Virginal? Hmm? Coquettish? Hmm? Slutty? Actually, Mr, er Howard, Emily Howard.

I am a lady.

Right, well, I don't know if you read the ad correctly, but this is a nude drawing class.

You're all going to take your clothes off?! Takes all sorts, I suppose.

No, you need to take off your clothes.

Ooh, but I am a lady.

Whatever.

My students need to draw you naked.

You can undress behind the screen.

Oh, well.

Do excuse me.

Never been in the nude before.

I am a lady, you see.

Oh, sh*t! How are you getting on? Pretty good.

Ooh.

And so we have met the people ofBritain and America.

But what do the people of our great nations share? Well, we share a strong sense of moral purpose.

We share a desire to make the world more civilised.

And we share bodily fluids.

That's on Thursday afternoons at my place.

Goodbye.