01x14 - Phoebe's a Clone Now

[bunniefuu]

- "Whisk briskly.
Fold in egg."

Hold do you fold an egg?

[alarm chimes]

Oh, time for calculus.
Let's see.

The integral from zero to pi
is...

Not a bunch of circles.

[alarm chimes]

Oh, back to brownies.

Let's see.

- Ooh, brownies.

Can I lick the calculator?

- Ugh!
Dang it!

I'm just so busy this weekend.

I've got the bake sale
with Cherry,

all of this homework,

and plus I'm volunteering
at the library today.

Uh, there was something else.
What was it?

- Bore me with all the stuff
you have to do today?

Check.

- Any chance you're gonna mature
in the next four seconds

and help me?

- I will only answer that

if you pull my finger.

- Sometimes I wish I could just
clone myself and do it all.

- Two of you?
Ugh!

- One of you?
Ugh!

- What are you guys up to?

- We got a cabaret gig in Vegas.

- Awesome.

I thought
we were just practicing

for our school talent show
tonight.

- [gasps]
the talent show!

- You promised to be
our piano player

and teach us some dance moves.

- Yeah, I need to learn how
to shake my moneymaker.

Right now, it's just
bringing in change.

- Don't tell me you forgot.

- [laughs]
of course not.

Your talent show
is my number one priority.

I would never forget that.

Just give me a second
to finish up these brownies.

- That was the thing you forgot,
wasn't it?

- Completely.

- ♪ What you see
is not what you get ♪

♪ Living our lives
with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in,
bet you never guessed ♪

♪ 'cause we're living our lives
just like all the rest ♪

♪ A picture-perfect family
is what we try to be ♪

♪ Look closer, you might see
the crazy things we do ♪

♪ This isn't make-believe ♪

♪ It's our reality ♪

♪ Just your average family ♪

♪ Trying to be normal
instead of trouble ♪

♪ Living a double life ♪

- Ay, ay, ay, Max.

¿Que es tan importante?

Sorry, I was in the middle
of Spanish homework.

You know, I'm busy.
What do you want?

- Well, you said something
really interesting earlier,

and I took note, because that
doesn't happen very often.

- So you called me down here
to insult me?

- No, that's just a bonus.

I called you down here

to see something
really impressive.

BOTH: Tada!

- Is it behind the two rabbits?

- It is the two rabbits.

Dr. colosso's been teaching me
how to clone.

Unfortunately, they've all been
coming out with two butts.

Until now.

Behold one beautiful butt!

- You really need
to get out more.

- Okay, before you go,

you might want to see this.

- What did you do?

- Well, you said you wanted
to clone yourself.

- That was an expression.

- Oh, so is this:
"I'm a stinkin' genius."

- Max, this is so wrong.

- No, this is perfect.

You get help
with your boring life,

and I get something that will
impress Villain University.

- A clone?

- The competition is tough.

Jimmy Klegner turned
his grandmother into a zombie

and was still wait-listed.

- Well, she does look
exactly like me.

Can she talk?

- I could talk all day
about those cute shoes.

- I know, right?

I mean, they're a little bit
pricey, but--

Whoa!

This is way too weird.

I refuse to be dragged into

another one
of your wacky experiments.

[alarm chiming]

Oh, I know.
I know.

I've got to stuff to do
at :, :, :, and :.

Get off my back, calendar!

- Hmm.
If only there were two of you.

- [sighs]

no, Max.

If someone finds out
you can clone,

they might get an inkling

that we're not your typical
suburban family.

- No one will inkle.

There will be no inkling.

She's a perfect copy of you--

Same annoying voice,
same cackling laugh,

same dopey face--

PHOEBES: Okay, I get it!

- How do you stand him?

- It's not easy.

- Don't worry.
I'll be with her the whole time.

I just want to see how she works
in the real world.

- I don't think so, Max.

- Phoebe!

This keyboard's
not gonna play itself!

- Actually, it has that option.

- Shut it, Billy.

- [sighs]
they need my help.

Okay, I won't let you take her
to Cherry's bake sale,

but maybe she can shelve books
for me at the library.

And don't mess this up, Max.

You'll expose us all.

- Well, since we're going
to the library,

I should probably return
that book on neutrons,

or there's gonna be a...
charge.

Oh, me!

- If only your jokes were
as good as your cloning.

- You are just like her.

I should have dialed back
on the sass.

Oh!

Are you okay?

- Numbers are made of candy!

- Say what?

- Max?

What's the first thing
I taught you about cloning?

- The more butts,
the bigger the cleanup.

- Yes, and the slightest bump,
they turn dumb.

Observe.

- I'm the mayor
of string cheese!

- I mean, it's okay.
It's just a little glitch.

- Look at me.
I'm Dr. Fingertubes!

- That might be something
real Phoebe does

when no one's around;
we don't know.

- [giggles]

- All right.
I am all yours.

We're gonna make this
one amazing talent show.

- Good, 'cause I don't want
to be embarrassed

in front of the whole school.

I have a reputation.
- What reputation?

- I'm the kid who's always
embarrassing himself

in front of the whole school.

- All right.

Five, six, seven, eight.

[ragtime piano music]

♪ ♪

- I can't stop!

- Hank, do something.

- Got it.
Phoebe, do something.

- Got it.

- Jeez, Phoebe.
What have you been eating?

Cat food?

- Well, it was in a can.
It said, "tuna."

I have a lot on my mind, okay?

- This isn't going to work.

- You know, your father and I

could offer you
some dance tips too.

- It's okay.
Phoebe's helping us.

She's great at this,
and she's...

- Not old.

- I'm gonna act like
I didn't hear that.

- Because you can't?
- [laughs]

That's funny, Nora.

Don't disrespect your father.

- All right, well, we got
a lot of rehearsing to do,

so if you guys could--

- You know, your dad and I--

- And here we go.

- We used to dance
all the time.

- Now we just watch shows

about people
who think they can dance.

- Come on, Hank.
Let's bust a move.

Phoebe?

- [clears throat]

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

- I wish that shoe hit me.

- [sighs]
Okay.

You are just like Phoebe,

so being around all these books,

the smart should come
right back to you.

- [crunching]

- And you're eating a book.
Okay.

Maybe if I just...

- I see two of you.

Hi, Max.
Hi, Max!

- Uh...

Fix your...Face.

- [laughs]
- Okay.

You stay here.
I'm gonna go return this book.

And then we'll start
stacking those, okay?

- Oh, thank goodness
you're here, Phoebe.

- Trains go, "choo-choo."

- Okay.

Anyway, Ms. Barnett
called in sick today,

so I'm gonna need for you
to take over story time.

- Okeydokey.

[sighs]

Hi, everybody.

I'm Phoebe, and this is...

A book.

"Once upon a time..."

Wordy wordy wordy wordy words.

Funny butterfly.
Goofy-looking kids.

Some guy with a hat.

The end!

- You're weird.

- Note to self:

clone Phoebe, while
an excellent physical replica,

has the I.Q. of a tube sock.

Hey, Phoebe, why don't you
show 'em this book?

It's a picture book,

so you won't be slowed down
by all those wordy words.

- Okay.

[sighs]

"Once upon a time,
there was a boy who"--

Ah!
It's alive!

The book's alive!

Everybody, freak out!

There's a dragon in the book,
and it's trying to att*ck us!

Why is this happening?
Why?

- Phoebe!
Phoebe, calm down!

It's just a pop-up book!

There's no dragon!

- Shh!

Keep it...down.

- Sorry.

Uh, my sister just tends

to get a little involved
in her books sometimes--

- I didn't ask for
an explanation.

- Right.
[laughs nervously]

Get back to your book,

Caging the Rage.

Anger management--
Good for you.

- [grunts]

- Any chance you're getting up
to go to the bathroom?

'Cause I am.

- Mom, Dad,
we're ready to wow you!

We've been practicing,

and I think
they're really gonna nail it.

- Like your father nailed
the wall?

- A dancer is only as good
as his partner.

And my partner's awesome.

- Mom, can you give Billy
a spot?

[fingers snap]

[tango music]

♪ ♪

- [yelling]

Crash!

- So...
No tango?

NORA: No kidding!

[phone ringing]

[sounds of people yelling]

- Max?

- Hey, phoebes.
So how's it going there?

- What have you done?

- Oh, good, good.

So, hey, little problem here,

and I don't want to worry you,
but...

- Wheeeeee!

- That's happening.

- Max, what is going on?

- It turns out your twin isn't
as bright as I thought.

- Yeah, I know you're dumb.

- Not me.
Your other twin.

- Nora, Billy, I have to run out
for a couple minutes!

Just keep her there,
and whatever you do,

don't let her go
to the school bake sale.

- No school bake sale.
Got it.

Hey, don't worry.
I'm in complete control.

I've lost control!

- [shrieks]

Bake sale time!

Whee!

- No!
No, you can't be exposed!

To the sun's...harsh rays...

Without a suitable sunblock.

[laughs]

You're gonna hurt me,
aren't you?

- [growling]

- Oh, hi, Ms. Crandall.

Have you seen my brother?

- You again?

I thought I told you

to check yourself out
of this library.

- Right, which is why
I came back

to say I'm sorry for...
Everything.

- "Sorry" won't bring back

the young adult
paranormal romance section.

You're fired.

- You can't fire a volunteer.

- Don't make me call security.

Please collect your things

and your brother.

- Max?

- Don't, Phoebe!
Don't hurt me!

- [sighs]
out of there.

And stop freaking out.
It's me.

- Prove it.

What's Dad's favorite
between-meal snack?

- Another meal.

- Okay, it's you.

- Where is my clone, Max?

- I'll tell you,
but you can't get mad.

- I'm already mad!
- Bake sale!

[both scream]

- Billy!
Nora!

Why don't you come show us
your dance?

I don't think we can wait
for Phoebe anymore.

- Is Max down there
to help us?

- No, it's just me
and your mom.

- Can you get Dr. Colosso?

- Just get down here!

- [gasps]

- Look at my little princess.

- Don't you look darling?

- I know.

Billy!
Living room, now!

- Did I look that adorable
in my thundertights?

- Yes?

- Eyes over here, people.

[lilting classical music]

♪ ♪

- Now let's show them
the big finish.

- Are you ready to catch me?

- I'm ready.

Just say when.

- When.

[sighs]
Now what are we gonna do?

- Well, I know
Phoebe's not here,

but you've got us.

- How do we say this sweetly?

[sweetly]
Not on your life.

- And remember,
for every dollar we raise,

¢ goes to saving the narwhals.

- ¢?
That's it?

- Oh, the other ¢ goes
to me buying books

on "What is a Narwhal?"

Oh, Phoebe, there you are.

- Huh?
[gasps]

Now I'm over here.

And now I disappeared.

- This is a weird game,
even fore me.

- Are these red velvet cupcakes
any good?

- I don't know.
[gasps] Let's find out.

Oh, yeah!

These are amazing!

Want a bite?

Ooh, finger frosting.

Face frosting!

- Phoebe!

- That's my name!
Phoebe!

- Okay, I'll lure clone Phoebe
under the table.

Then you grab her.

- Duct tape and rope?

Should I be worried

that you just happen to have
this stuff handy?

- Not worried, thankful.

- Oh, good!
Max, you're here.

Your sister has gone crazy!

Also, what is a narwhal?

- I'm sorry about Phoebe.

It's all the sugar;
she can't handle it.

Here, watch.

Hey, Phoebe,
you see the cupcake?

You want it?
Go get it, girl.

- Whee!

Oh, hi, Phoebe.

- Uh, she names all her cupcakes
"Phoebe."

Okay, she's got
the sugar shakes.

All right.

- Maybe we should help her.

Uh, or maybe you should go help
that baby narwhal

stuck in that tree outside.

- This is exactly what
we've been fighting against.

- Ah.
- All right, great.

Now that that's taken care of,

I'll take the package
to the lair

while you head
to the talent show.

- [gasps]
Talent show?

Whee!

- Oh, no.
Wrong Phoebe!

She pinned me down, Max,

and shoved a cupcake
in my mouth.

- Note: clone Phoebe
is freakishly strong,

yet generous with baked goods.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I saw them changing
backstage...

With their feet.

[applause]

- Let's hear it one more time

for Raina and Victoria,

the flexy friends!

- Bet those little pretzels
let their parents help them.

- They don't need help;
they were born without bones.

- Of course, as principal,

I think all of our students
are wonderful.

But if they don't win,
there is no justice.

Up next,
Billy and Nora Thunderman.

[applause]

- Uh-oh, Phoebe's not here.

What are we gonna do?

- So, uh...

Where's everybody from?

[laughs nervously]

What's up with airline food?
Am I right?

- Where's Phoebe?

Someone needs to play piano
for them.

- [chuckles]
well...

Look who's gonna come
crawling back to us for help.

- Excuse me.

Can you play piano for us,
Mrs. Carmichael?

- Oh, come on!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, it's hard to stay mad
at them

when they look so cute!

♪ ♪

- I want to make sounds!

- [screams]

[playing random notes]

- Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- Yeah,
let's get out of here

before people realize
those are our kids.

- Wait.
Hank.

Something's wrong with Phoebe.

We need to go help her.

- Oh, no, we're good.

That train wreck's over.

- Oop, train's moving again.

- Uh-oh.
This is not good.

- Ah, I got to take
some of the blame for this.

- Some?
You made her.

- You are her.

- Hank.

Do you see that?

- Two phoebes?

I'd say Max is cloning again,
but I only see one butt.

- Okay, we have to do something
before Mom and Dad find out.

- Too late.

- Cloning?

Are you two crazy?

You could expose us all.

- Well, in my defense,

look at the materials
I was working with.

- Okay, first we're gonna
take care of...

- Look, I'm bendy too.

- Phoebe .Duh.

Then you two are gonna save
Billy and Nora's dance.

- How are we gonna do that?

- We're gonna have to use
our powers.

But just this once.
Do not get caught.

- Way to take charge, Mom.

- Yeah, and then you two
are getting punished.

- See, you had me.
Then you lost me.

- Whee!

Whee!

- Thunderman away.

There's a door right there.

- And we're back.
Shall we try this again?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Time for the big finish.

Throw Nora up into the air.
I'll do the rest.

- We can't do it.
- Just trust me.

♪ ♪

- We're doing the big finish.

- Who is?

- Any time now.

- Right.

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

This is the harshest punishment
they've ever given us.

♪ ♪

- It's been three hours.

How long can they keep this up?

- Keep complaining,

and I'm gonna bust out
my belly dancing.

- No complaints here.
- We're not complaining.

- Okay, time for
our tap routine.

Shoe change.

- Gross!
- Ugh!

- Maybe this'll teach you
not to clone.

- Also to take care
of foot fungus

before it gets out of control.

- Hey, what did you guys
end up doing

with my Phoebe and colosso
clones anyway?

- They went to a better place.

- How could you?
- That's horrible!

- Oh, no, no, not that.

I took them to a better place,

Aunt Maggie's farm.

[fiddle music]

[chicken clucking]

- You're a cute little donkey.

Donkeys go, "mooo!"

- Hey, chuckle-head,
I'm not a clone.

There's been a horrible mistake!

- I'm a cute little donkey.

Moooooo!