Magic (1978)

[bunniefuu]

Did you knock 'em dead, Corky?

I did everything right.

You mean it went perfect?

You're first time on your own.

Me not there to see.

Don't make it more than it was.

Now don't give me
that inferiority crap.

Now, did the lift go okay?

I never did it better.

Open.

Now, when you're rich and
famous, don't you forget me.

I'll never forget you.

Open...

There are not three guys alive

that can do what you can
with those cards.

I'm tellin' ya, kid,
you're as good as the game.

Sure, sure, sure.

Another Houdini.

Where you scared?

I sure was when I started.

Well, I wasn't calm. But then,

I wasn't all that worried.

I figured I'd uh...

done all the practicing
I could so what the hell.

Were you the only magician?

Yes, sir.

The men all wanted
to be Bob Dylan

and the girls did mostly
Barbara Walters imitations

or sang Dolly Parton songs.

Some of them panicked before
they got up to perform.

Not you though?

No, not me.

See, the guy who was
in charge of everything

ran things so well.

He had one of those
hourglass egg timers

and when he turned
it over you started,

and when the sand
was finished so were you.

Good evening.

Tell me, kid,

did you begin with
some flourishes?

Yeah.

You always taught me

that they were the
best attention grabbers.

Was I, was I right?

It was amazing.

Everybody quick
shut up and watched.

No more whispering.

Nothing.

And once you had 'em Corky,

then what did you do?

Well, I quick told this
pudgy lady at the ringside

to please pick
any card she wanted

as long as it was the
big casino, the ten of diamonds.

Okay, would you please
show the card to the audience?

And I forced it
on her perfectly.

Everybody loved it a lot
and laughed.

And then I went
straight into rising aces.

Did the lift work great?

Yes, sir.

The sand was really running
out of that hourglass.

And I told myself to forget it

and just concentrate
on the moves.

So, I took my time
and made it work

and everybody applauded
like crazy.

So I just took a couple of bows
and I got off.

Oh, kid, don't bullshit me.

I really did
do everything right.

Really.

Only nobody much cared.

And?

And?

Go on.

I guess I just cracked.

"You stupid sons of
b*tches,"” I said,

"Don't you know
how hard that was?"

"That's a thousand hours
of my life you just saw.”

They don't care from heart, kid.

They just want
to be entertained.

I guess I didn't do you
proud all in all.

But did you talk to the people?

Did you use your charm?

I can't, and you know that.

Corky, you want to be
as good as the game?

Don't you?

You know I do.

Then you better find yourself
some charm, kid.

How?

You'll think of something.

Hey man, why don't you...

Hi, I'm George Todson, NBC.
I'm to meet Mr. Ben Greene.

Oh, yes sir. He's right inside.

Thank you.

Say my man, how come
he jumps ahead of us?

I guess this boy Withers
is your latest sensation, hmm?

How are ya, sit down.

Jesus, you booked him
into a very classy spot, Ben.

And I found him here.

You know, it's not easy
getting him to move.

You want a beer? It's safe.

Sure.

He likes this place?

Well, he bombed here
his first time out, you know?

But he didn't get...
Hey, get him a beer, garcon.

Sure, Budweiser?

But he didn't give up.

He just worked his
ass off for a year.

He come back and he hit it big.

There's never been
a magician like him.

You dragged me down
here for a magician?

Come on, Ben.
I run a g*dd*mn network.

We can't book those guys
on kiddy shows anymore.

Now listen,

your old man got his start
working for me

you little fart.

Don't tell me what bombs.

Magic is misdirection.
That's all it is.

And misdirection is
getting the people to look

in the wrong place
at the right times.

So?

So naturally, magic has had
a little trouble on the tube.

Why?

Because you can't misdirect
the g*dd*mn camera.

Ladies and gentlemen,

a warm welcome for
Mr. Corky Withers.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Ordinary deck of cards.

Loaded with stage presence.

I can't decide, does he
remind me more of Errol Flynn

or Valentino?

Thank you.

Young lady, would you please
pick any card you want?

As long as it's the big casino,
ten of diamonds?

Will you show
the audience please?

Dynamite opening, Ben.
Does he actually get better?

That's hard to believe.

Well he got a little nervous
on account he knows we're here.

My teacher was a great man.

His name was Merlin, and uh...

No, seriously
his name was Merlin, Jr.,

and this is his version
of the rising aces.

And here were are,
here are the four aces.

One,

two,

three,

four.

I'm going to place them
back on top of the deck.

And would you
please pick any card?

Just pick any card.

Good.

Look at the card, remember it,

and cover the aces.

Thank you.

All right uh...

I'm sorry, I did that wrong.

You're not supposed to
cover the aces in this trick.

Um, I'm sorry.

One sec.

He's gonna pull
a five card left.

Watch him,

just watch him, will ya?

g*dd*mn drunks.

He's not liftin'
just the top card.

He's gonna grab five.

Sir, if you think
you can do better,

you're welcome to try.

Just gimme a hand
getting up there, schmucko.

And step aside.

Okay, you're on.

Okay.

What's going on?

Thank you.

You really think
you're that good do you?

I'll guaran-f*ckin'-tee ya I am.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ohh! Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

You ruined the rising aces.

So what, screw it.

You see the broad
with the big jugs?

You mean the ah,
young lady in the feathers?

Yeah, I see her so what?

Wonder if she'd like a
roll in the shavings with me?

I don't think you're very funny.

Well they do.

Thank you.

Thank you.

A nice gimmick, the dummy.
What's his name?

Fats.

Don't encourage him.

I will now change
a diamond into a heart.

I guess the reason
I'm such a great lover is um...

I don't want to hear about your
sex life if you don't mind.

Tell us all about yours then.

Everybody likes short stories.

Shh, Don't encourage him.
Please, ladies and gentlemen.

That's really a clever shtick.

Thank you.

All right,

pick a diamond.

I said pick a diamond.

All right.

It can change into a
heart while I'm holding it.

Well, go on, show the audience.

If you're so great,

change it while I'm holding it.

You won't give it back to me?

Well, that's another
trick you've ruined.

Let's see,

I'll just have to
think of something else.

You mean you're not gonna
change my diamond into a...

Jesus Christ.

What?

It turned into a heart
while I was holding it.

How'd he do that?
How'd he do that?

How did he do it?

How many times
do I have to tell you.

Do you want to
get out of here alive?

The kids good,
I'll give him that.

Sure he's good.

I got me maybe the best
magician in 50 years.

Team'd with the first
x-rated dummy on the block.

Eat your heart out.

You say he really
bombed here first time?

Yes.

Of course he didn't have
the dummy with him then.

The dummy helps. No question.

Right.

Local talent?

No.

He was brought up near
Grossinger's in the Catskills.

! think his old man was a limey.

Came here to work in a
health club and gave massages.

Somethin' like that.

It's me.

sh*t, It's old Gangrene.

Gangrene.

That's funny.

Quick intro.

Corky, our visitor from
New York, George Todson.

How do you do, sir?

You have a lot of potential.

Hey, what about me?

You're terrific too, Fats.

Thanks, Mr. Wigston,

I mean Tubeston.

- Todson.
- Todson.

Now that's what I call funny.

Hey, you'll strain
your pacemaker.

Behave yourself.

Come here a second, will ya?

Ah, by the way,

how did you change
the diamond to the heart?

I'm the misdirection dummy.

While we're bullshittin',

you could bring an
elephant on to the stage.

Which is why this magician
will not b*mb on the tube.

Why?

Because the g*dd*mn
camera watches their faces

and not Corky's hands.

So you live and you learn.

- See ya.
- Bye.

Yeah, all right.

How'd it go?

Sen-f*ckin'-sational.

See I'm catchin'.

What happens next?

Well, we reel 'em in slow.

The same kind of
low key build up

we gave Steve Martin last year.

I'm not lettin' you
near New York,

till we're close
to making a deal.

Sol just stay here?

No, first, I'd like to book you

in a small lounge
in Vegas for the experience.

Then the area talk shows.

You know,
Tom Snyder, Mike Douglas.

All leading to Carson.

And if he asks you to come back,

I think he will,

that should do it.

So, you keep motor
mouth here in line,

while I work on them
droolers at the network.

It should take five,
maybe six months.

Now, when I buy you a free lunch

at the Four Seasons in New York,

you'll know you're home free.

Sound okay?

Yes, sir.

You're a good kid, Corky.

Hey, you know what I think?

No, what do you think?

We're gonna be a star.

Zachary!

Seems like I'm breaking the law.

I'll see that no one
touches it, sir.

No one must ever touch a Rolls,
but a Rolls man.

Yes, sir.

Margo, will you
show this gentleman

to Mr. Greene's table please?

Hi.

Hi.

Is everything all right?

They want me?
The uh, network people I mean.

May I?

Yeah, thank you.

Have a cigar for later, Corky.

Take two, they're are big.

I invented
conspicuous consumption.

Don't you forget that.

If you're trying to
get my attention you got it.

Will you do me a favor kid?

Will you try not
to turn sh*t heel?

It's almost an a*t*matic
once a guy makes it big.

I'd love to see
you b*at the odds.

Maybe I won't make it big.

Come on, tell me. What is it?

Two years ago,
you couldn't get arrested.

Two years from now
you are going to have it all.

Corky,
NBC wants a pilot special.

What's that?

What's that,

it's what they gave
Rich Little a while back.

Menu, sir?

Ah, you see, when
they're hot for somebody

like they're hot for you,

they make a contract which
hinges on the first show.

And if it hits,

you're off and running
for a bunch more.

Terrific.

That's why they call me
the Postman,

I always deliver.

Is it set and, everything?

It's set but it's not set, set.

There's agent stuff like who
pays how much for publicity,

how much for the guest stars.

You'll have to
take a medical exam

and stuff like that.

Now what's wrong?

Um...

I don't think I'm going
to take the medical exam.

Any particular reason?

Principle.

What the hell does
that mean, principle?

Do you remember that first night

when you came backstage
at the uh, Stardust

and you said, you wouldn't
mind representing me?

Do you remember what I said?

You're g*dd*mn right.

You said that
I could represent you

but you didn't want to sign.

That was principle too.

Because if we're
happy with each other,

our word should be enough.

To hell with signing
some piece of paper.

Why is this with the
medical exam principle?

Because they're saying
something wrong with me.

And I say I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I don't need any doctors

poking around inside me,
that's all.

Are you serious about this?

I mean, is this a deal breaker?

Yeah, I guess it is.

Sadie, Sadie.

I have to put you on hold.

Sadie, what's the first
rule for being an agent?

Never forget an
act that k*lled Lincoln.

Head of the class.

Get me Bernstein in Legal.

Corky has turned impossible.
I don't believe it.

Well, I should have
been a cesspool cleaner

like my mama wanted.

Corky's so cheap,

last night he sent his
girlfriend out to hustle.

It's not true, not true.
Just ignore him.

When she came back this morning,

he asked how much she'd
gotten and she said

"Sixteen dollars and ten cents.”

Corky said "Ten cents?

My God, who gave you ten cents?"

And she said "Everybody."

Dammit.

Everybody, she said,

Body, body, body.

Dody, dudy, duny.

And she said... And she said...

And she said everybody.

Hello?

I've been having
meetings for hours.

I couldn't budge 'em, Cork.

I thought you
said they wanted me?

Well they do Cork, but...

Didn't you explain
about the principle?

Now kid, this is network policy.

It's legal policy.

Now I'm sitting here

with three of our
genius lawyers,

my God, their IQ's alone

must total up to 100.

Now we have called
NBC a dozen times

and they are not,

I repeat not about to spend

a half a million bucks only
to find out on taping day

that there's some
kinda health problem.

There's no problem!

Corky!

Make 'em understand.

Well...

Shoo, will you, fellas.

Let me handle this alone.

Yep, right.

Good luck, Ben.

Yeah.

Now kid, I don't have to ask you
what the trouble is.

'Cause I know
what the trouble is.

I've told you once before.

It's just success, kid.

Please believe me.

You want success
but you're afraid of it.

Now that happens to

everybody at this stage.

I'm not afraid.

Now you stay right there.
And I'll be right over

and we'll talk it through.

I'm not afraid.

Hang tight, kid.

I'm on my way.

I won't be here!

We should hit Grossinger's
inside another 20 minutes.

Never mind that.

Take your next left.

Here.

Keep going into town.

Your place?

I was brought up here.

Must remember it being
a whole lot bigger, huh?

No.

Want to look around?

No point.

Family all gone, huh?

Yeah.

Ah, you're lucky.

I live with four brothers,

all assholes.

I don't want to come on
like some ghoul, but...

Do you got people in there?

People?

Just family.

You look a lot like yourself,
you know that?

Yeah, I caught you on the
Carson Show a couple times.

You must make
a ton for that, huh?

How'd you luck into that?

You know, see, I sing great.
I know they'd cream over me.

My agent,
William Morris, arranged it.

Is this Morris guy
a personal friend of Carson's?

Is that how that works?

William Morris is the name
of a agency, not a guy.

Hold it, right here.

Pull over to your left.

Fine.

Hey, this is Lake Melody,
ain't it?

I'll be right back.

Anybody?

Anybody home?

What do you want?

A cabin.

We're kinda closed.

Something above the lake
is what I'm after.

It's just the kind of place
I'm looking for.

I won't be disturbed here.

That's for sure.

But like I said,

we're kinda closed.

$50 bucks a night. In advance.

We just re-opened.

If you don't want me waitin'?

How you gonna
get to Grossinger's?

I'll call a local cab
when I need one.

How much?

$80 bucks, not countin' tip.

Okay.

Here's a hundred
for the driving,

and another hundred,

for a favor.

Name it.

You didn't bring me here, okay?

Okay.

Good.

Thanks.

What you see is what you get.

The um, the bedroom's back there

and the kitchenette
and the bathroom across.

Fine.

Here's your key.

Help!

Help!

Calling all schmucko's.

Save me.

Hi.

Hi.

Jesus Christ.

This is Grossinger's?

I wonder if her ass
is on ball bearings.

Shut up.

Oh, sounds like
I stepped on a corn.

Sorry.

No, it's just that I carried
her picture all these years.

And she didn't remember me.

Awe.

He didn't remember me.

Hello?

Sorry to bother you.

Oh, that's all right.

No soap.

I didn't think you'd like it.

You leaving now?

No, I didn't mean
no soap that way.

I meant there wasn't any soap,

or towels either.

Oh, come on in here
and grab one.

Oh, oh my God, you brought Fats.

You thought Peg didn't remember.

Awe.

You knew who I was too?

Yeah.

Well, why didn't you two
at least grunt at each other?

He's just as cute
as he is on the tube?

Cute?

Virile, yes.

Sexy, yes.

Ronald Reagan is cute.

Oh please, could I hold him,
I'll be careful.

Oh, he's heavy.

Husky you bimbo.

His lips didn't move.

That's because you're not
stroking my levers sweetheart.

Right in there.

Oh, she goosed me.

Ignore him, go right ahead.

Okay.

There.

And there.

I see.

I love it.

Hey, she hugged me to her bosom.

I suspect she
found me irresistible.

Don't we all?

She asked you
over for dinner, huh?

How long are you going to stay?

I don't know, why?

If you stayed late,
that might mean

you was getting
hugged to her bosom too

which just might
make old Fats jealous

and we wouldn't want that,

would we now?

You never really told,
why you were here.

Hiding.

Gotta get my head on straight.

My agent,

he looks like
the Ancient Mariner

in that poem we
hated in high school.

He's negotiating
for a sh*t for me

to maybe make it big.

We argued.

But I thought it
was just principle.

The truth is probably
I'm scared of success.

That's all.

You always were this
weirdly timid person, Cork.

That's for sure.

Your folks still run this place?

No, they took
a motel in Florida.

Gave this place to me.

But I just couldn't
make a go of it.

Too bad.

The Catskills are dying
and that's the truth.

Me and Duke are lookin' to sell.

God, you're beautiful.

Don't I wish.

I had such a crush on you.

No one ever accused you
of having good taste, Cork.

When I moved away
I whittled you a present,

a wooden heart.

You never gave it to me though.

I lost it
before I got it finished.

I knew you had a crush on me.

I was always pretty for you.

I didn't say pretty.

You didn't pick up on
my Duke mention either.

After all, he is my consort.

My spouse.

I'm very big on
enlarging my vocabulary.

Are you very big on Duke?

We seem to separate
what seems like,

every full moon,

it hasn't been your everyday
Walt Disney type marriage.

Where is he?

Quick business trip.

I'm sorry.

Tell me, does he...

does he still
look like James Dean?

Hey.

Hey.

Hearty burgundy.

Very medicinal.

Peg?

Admit it, now I'm beautiful.

How was the orgy?

Did you score?

The high point of the evening

was when I reduced her to tears.

That-a-boy, schmucko.

Hey, when are we movin' on?

Tomorrow.

The day after.

Soon.

Peggy Ann Snow, Peggy Ann Snow,

please let me follow,
where ever you go.

Why'd you close the door?

I'm contemplating
taking a piss, do you mind?

Ooh, fancy-yancy.

Hey stick your head
out here one sec.

Was you thinkin' about her?

...Stuff like that.

So how long did you
work with this Merlin guy?

Ah, I worked for him... years.

But uh, he taught me everything.
But I never performed.

Never like... never on my own.

Why not?

Probably afraid I'd fail.

Dope.

It wasn't 'til the week
he took really sick.

And uh, he begged me
that I got the guts to try.

Did you bring any
tricks up with you?

No.

I don't do tricks.

Tricks means something
set up beforehand.

A box with a fake lid.

A stacked deck of cards.

I don't do that.

Will you just use
whatever's available?

Yeah.

Here.

Amaze me.

A stone? Oh, come on, will ya.

Well that was available.

- Oh, do it again. Do it again.
- Do what again?

Oh, come on.

Okay.

You bastard.

You bastard.
I really love magic.

No magic, it's just skill.

All explainable.

I don't think
I want to believe that.

Can you explain everything?

Pretty much.

What can't you explain?

Look, I don't want to get into this.
Magic's just to entertain.

You're not supposed
to take it seriously.

What can't you explain?

Merlin, his wife was
his assistant before me.

They were close.
They really cared.

Those last days
in the hospital with her

he claimed he could
read her mind.

You believe that don't you?

I don't know.

I want to, I guess.

See in their act,

they used to do a lot
of phony telepathy crap.

Mostly cards.

Then at the end they both
wanted to do it for real.

To prove to each other
how much they cared,

is how he put it.

Do you know the exact procedures
they did and everything?

Sure.

Look, I don't want to
get into this.

Oh, it'll be fun.

Come on.

I'd fail.

So what.

I don't want you thinkin'
bad of me let's say.

Okay.

Forget the whole thing.

I'm trying to get away
from pressure, please.

So who's putting
you under pressure?

Not me.

Just thought it might be a kick.

But it's forgotten.

Now we've each
shuffled a deck, okay?

Now you take mine.

So...

just spread your cards
like this.

Fine.

Okay.

Now take one card, any card.

Look at it.

And remember it.

Now what?

Now come on,
you must really look at it.

I'm looking, I'm looking,
don't be mad.

Okay.

Just concentrate
on that one card.

Now, gather your cards up.

Place the card back face down.

Good.

Just cut the cards once.

Just take my deck.

Look for your card.

When you find it,

take it out.

Tell me when you've found it.

Okay.

Okay?

What happens now?

What happened
with Merlin was uh,

she put the card
next to her heart.

And uh, he went through
her deck kind of like this.

What's my card?

I don't know.

You must really think hard.

Okay.

Okay, I'm thinking really hard.

Well?

I'm sorry.

Well, don't stop.
I'm concentrating my ass off.

Okay.

My God it's red isn't it?

It's red.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

I give away nothing.

Come on concentrate,
just concentrate.

Hey.

Show me.

We came close, what the hell.

Sit down, Peg!

Get back down!

That was your fault.

You started out fine,
but then you let me drift.

Jesus Cork, forget it.

I was in bad shape in New York,
Peg, and I had to run.

Where do you go
when there's no place to go?

You go home.

Except there was nothing but
empty houses and old cemeteries.

And I figured I'd stop by here

and ask your folks about you.

Where were you living,
what city, how many kids?

Never expected to find you here.

I've loved you
all my g*dd*mn life.

I needed a piece of good news
about Peggy Ann Snow.

Shuffle the g*dd*mn cards, fast!

We're gonna do it right
this time.

I just know we will,
because we both want it a lot.

Give me your deck.

Take my deck.

Spread the cards.

Take your card.

Pick it out.

Look at it.

Put it back on top.

Now, cut the deck once.

Take my deck,
look for your card.

When you find it, tell me.

Look at me.

Should I think now??

Yes, very hard.

I am.

You're not, I can tell
by your eyes your not.

Well, I'm frightened is why.

Nothing to be afraid of.

If it goes bad.

It won't go bad,

not if two people want
something as much as this.

There must be nothing
in your mind but your card.

Nothing in your mind but...

What?

My card.

Concentrate.

Just think, think hard.

Is it...

Please is it...

Is it the three of clubs?

The three of clubs?

I didn't fail.

I didn't fail.

I didn't fail.

I didn't fail.

I'll bet they don't give service
like that at Grossinger's.

Drop in again in 15 years.

Why the jokes?

I'm kind of feeling
my way along.

I never fooled around before.

True.

I guess sex wasn't
that big a deal in my life.

What about Duke?

Mainly, he blew in my ear a lot.

True.

I deceived him into
thinking it drives me mad.

He tongues away at me
and I moan a lot but...

Secretly I'm making
a grocery lists.

Oh, I can be a very crappy lady

when I put my mind to it.

Come here.

Let's you and me take off.

Just us.

You don't care for Duke
and you know it.

I dump Duke,

and you'd leave Fats,
that's your offer?

Yeah, just say the word
and we'll go.

A man appears after 15 years.

Says run away with me.

A girl ought to at least
be able to take a bubble bath.

Think about it, right?

Why in the hell were you so
shy all those years ago, huh?

Hey, what do you say
sports fans.

Nah.

What's the matter?
Getting your period?

Feeling kinda blue.

I miss the city bad.

Oh, the country grows on you.

So does fungus.

I told you once
already we'd leave.

When?

When I want to, now drop it.

What's so great here?
Tell me that.

Simmer down, okay?

Okay.

Hey, how's this for a solution?

You stay around here
and turn hayseed

and I'll head back to Manhattan.

I take it the silence means no?

Discussion's over. That's all.

I want out of here!

Simmer the hell down!

- Just because...
- Watch it mister!

- Just because some...
- You've been warned!

Just because some
sagging bitch of an ingenue

drops her pants for you!

Shut up!

Corky, you do it so good.

You're even better
than the garbage men.

Hey Ben,

how do you like it?

I think it's going
to be terrific.

What's with Gangrene?

Blue Cross
repossess your tongue?

Come on in, shut up.

Come on in Ben, I'll do the
whole routine for you?

How the hell did
you ever find me.

You're amazing.

I'll bet it was
that kid cab driver.

He must've called
the office and found ya.

Is that right, that's it?

Yeah, I told him
I was with William Morris.

He looked like a hustler,

so I gave him a
hundred to shut him up.

How much did
you give him to talk.

Doesn't matter.

Right, right,
right, right, right.

Right, you're here,
that's the main thing.

That's it, right.

Come on, grab yourself a seat.

And uh, watch.

Just remember that
I haven't got this anywhere

near performance level yet.

How long ya been like this kid?

Like what?

Oh my God, you don't think
that was for real?

How'd you think I rehearse?

It's no good.

It's for the act
for Christ sakes!

Watch now.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

for your viewing pleasure.

My version of the Miser's Dream.

Was it a wet dream?

Shut up.

Imagine if you will.

When I have a wet dream
all that happens

is I wake up
covered with sawdust.

If you don't stop interrupting

I'm going to put
a contract out on you

with a mafia woodpecker.

Oh, what I wouldn't
give for a woodpecker.

Will you be quiet?

Don't encourage him,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's really a great beginning,
isn't it, Ben.

Is this why you wouldn't
take the medical exam?

You figured somebody'd find out?

Bullshit!

I'll take the stupid exam!

I was afraid of
success like you said.

I needed to get
my head on straight.

I'll take the exam,

do the show,

whatever you want.

What I want kid?

What I want is for
you to see somebody.

Who? Who would I see?

Quit with the games!

Quit with the yelling!

Shut up!

He should show a little
grati-f*ckin'-tude.

You been slavin' away,

comin' up with
the great new stuff.

That was blockbuster
material, mister.

When I come back with
Woody the Woodpecker,

they'll plotz in Vegas.

That's funny.

Nothin's funny.

Not anymore.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna make
a few phone calls.

Tell people you mean?

Corky, you ain't in control!

Ben,

you owe me a listen
don't you think?

Yeah, I was kind of out
of control back in the city.

I uh...

I could feel myself starting
to slip down the iceberg.

So you took off,

and now you're fine?

Sure. On account of Peg.

The local town pump,
terrific knockers.

Look Fats, please.

Come on, will ya?

Sorry.

Um...

I've known her
ever since high school.

I never figured I'd have
a chance with her, but uh,

now everything's changed.

She believes in me.

Listen,

girls are for
down the line, kid.

Right now,
you gotta let me help you.

I know a lot of people.

Beautiful doctors.

He means headshrinkers.

He just thinks
you're a fruit cake.

He doesn't, he never said that,
he's on our side.

He's the villain.

Don't forget that.
Never forget that.

Hey, kid.

I'm gonna ask you
to do something.

It's a little something

anybody ought to be able to do.

Now if you can do it, fine.

We'll forget this whole thing.

But if you can't,

we'll think about getting
you to see somebody fast.

Is it a deal?

Name it.

Make Fats shut up
for five minutes.

Five minutes.

I can make him shut up
for five years.

Wonderful.

I feel like the village idiot,

if you want to know the truth.

Can we talk or is it going to
be strictly semaphore?

How long so far?

There's 30 seconds.

Gosh, that's uh...

Four and a half minutes to go.

Think I'll make it?

Don't happen to have
another of those, do ya?

Thanks.

"Take two, they're big."

Remember when
you said that, Ben?

A pro never forgets
his good lines, kid.

How long now?

Coming up to a minute.

Do you think we'll
laugh about this some day?

We might.

Make a terrific scene

if you ever decide to write
your autobiography.

Hey, I know what
you should call it, um...

"Failing Upwards" ”, or,

"How to Succeed in Show Business,
by Outliving Everybody"”.

Two minutes yet?

A minute forty-five.

This is very cruel of you,
you know that?

I don't mean it to be.

I don't know if I'll ever
be able to forgive you.

Well, that would be sad.

Time?

It's uh...

two and a half minutes to go.

I can't make it.

Well, I didn't think you could.

Hello everybody.

This is Mrs. Norman Main.

My mother thanks you,
my father thanks you,

my sister thanks you,
and I thank you.

You have nothing
to fear but fear itself.

Nothing to give but
blood sweat and tears.

Nothing to lose but your change.

Here he is boys.

Here he is world.

Here's Fats.

You're not lettin'
him outta here.

He's the villain,
don't forget that.

Hey, I think you better
sit down.

Hey kid,

I have lived through
Tallulah Bankhead

and the death of Vaudeville.

I don't scare easy.

But I need my chance.

Your only chance
is to get help fast

and that's what I'm
going to see happens.

Don't, ever raise
a hand to me again.

You're taking my one chance.

I'm your one chance.

He's right.

The Postman's right.

You're crazy.

I tried to stop him didn't I?

Tried, tried?

You failed.

God damn it. Look at me.

You know it's the hatch for you.

There's nothing wrong with me.

I know that, and you know that.

But all those piss ant
dolts who run the world,

they hate us
because we're special.

They'll put you somewhere
dark and moody.

Don't talk that way, please.

Cut the migraine sh*t.

Don't you care about anything?

Christ, don't you care
about the girl?

Peg?

I love Peg.

I hope she loves you too.

So on visiting day
she can bring crayons

and the two of you's
can color together.

What do you want from me?

You know g*dd*mn well what.

I don't!

Liar.

- Tell me!
- Weakling.

- I'm not, I'm not!
- Stop the Postman!

- I can't!
- Gutless f*ck!

- I can't!
- Stop the Postman!

How, how with what?

Me, me, me, me, me!

Cork?

What's up, what is it?

Oh, I meant to ask.

Do you want me unthaw
the asparagus tips,

or the French-cut green beans?

Either.

No fair.

You're the man you've
got to make the decision.

Asparagus tips.

Hey what are you
doing in the woods?

Walkin', thinkin'.

About me?

You changin' your mind about me?

Jesus no.

Better not you bastard.

Well, what is it?

My head, you broke it.

Well, what'll I do?

Can't think, help me.

I will don't worry.

I'll take care.

You're hurtin' me.

Sorry.

There you are,
that should do it.

That better?

I guess.

Good.

All right.

Does it show?

Well...

Well, I'll slip you into your
overall outfit with a cap.

And uh, nobody will
be able to tell a thing.

- Hey, Fats?
- Yeah.

- I've been doin' some thinking.
- Yeah.

What would you say if I uh...

if I called the police and told?

You ain't being logical.

Look, Gangrene was taken care of

because he was going
to have you put away.

If you tell the cops,
they'll have you put away.

Well, what'll we do with him?

Bring me any identification
he's got on him.

Why?

Time for a little dip.

After dinner get yourself
some stones

and stuff 'em in his pockets.

But I'm not that
strong a swimmer.

Just dog paddle out to the
middle and drop him down.

I know this lake.

There's snapping turtles out
there. Everybody said that.

Once there was a
water moccasin scare.

I don't care if the
Loch Ness monster's out there,

and he's ravenous.

Do it beautifully.

Hello?

Good morning. Coffee's on.

Coffee's ready.

- Good.
- Careful.

Uh, Duke got home
very late last night.

He didn't much like the idea

of me being here alone
with a man.

He's watching us now.

Uh, do you think it's wise

for me to come up there now?

I think he wants to
watch us together.

Give me five minutes.

Hey.

Has he got a telescope?

Because if he doesn't,

I'd like to say that

going to bed with you is maybe

the best three things
that ever happened to me.

And I'd love some coffee.

And I adore you.

And I take it
with cream and sugar.

And your breasts
belong in the Louvre,

which is a museum in Paris

that I plan on visiting with
you once you get wise

and decide to leave
the old ear blower.

Are you ever somethin'.

Hello?

We're in the kitchen.

Hi Duke.

How are you?

Come on in, sit down.

Yeah, thanks.

Doing okay.

You take your coffee how?

Everything.

I'm sorry I wasn't here
to greet you.

Help with the
entertaining and all.

But somebody's
got to earn a living.

You're still in
real estate, right?

No, I gave that up. It was dull.

What I really like
is the out a doors.

Go fishing, hunting.

That probably seems dull
to someone like you.

No, not at all.

Fine, thanks.

And I do a little
sellin' nowadays.

Sundries, like that.

I'm surprised Peg here
didn't bring you up to date.

Well, she may have.

The truth is,
once I start drinking wine,

you can forget about me.

Hey Duke, that stuff you sell?

You don't happen to
have a penis do you?

My last one caught
Dutch Elm Disease

and it's m*rder
getting an erection.

God damn, that's clever.

Don't tell schmucko. Tell me.

'Cause I'm the talent.

Shh.

Do you travel
a lot in your work?

How do you do that?
I mean, that's terrific.

I'm really glad you're here
for me to see this.

Are you going to be good?

I mean it. You promise?

Okay.

Ask him if he's
glad I'm here too?

Yeah, the both of you.

Thank you.

How long are you going to be?

Quick as I can.

As long as it takes me to
board up those far cabins.

Don't stay out too long.
You'll get soaked.

How'd I do?

Just unbelievable.

Too bad Fats wasn't here.

He might of been a little help.

Gotten a couple of laughs.

You're always unbelievable.

Oh, brains as well as boobs.

Corky, do you drive a Rolls?

No.

Well there's somebody's
white Rolls parked down there.

sh*t.

It's gotta be Gangrene's.
Why would he leave it though.

Who's is it?

My agent.

He's rich as hell.

But still you just don't leave
an $80,000 car and walk away.

He must have come
looking for me.

Looking for you?

Yeah.

He's left the keys.

Yeah, look if I level with you,

you won't let this get around?

I'm in hiding.

A lot of career problems.

I haven't been
behaving all that normal.

Well, can you find out
what's happened to him?

This cars been here
a couple of hours.

Yeah, I'll sure as hell try.

Hey, would you mind
getting it unstuck?

Me driving an $80,000 car,

I'd mind that a lot.

Sadie?

Sadie?

It's me.

Is he in?

Please.

Don't yell at me g*dd*mn it.

I'm sick of hearing
about my erratic behavior.

How the hell
did you ever find me?

I tipped that bastard cabbie
so he wouldn't tell.

We were on a long walk
is why you didn't find anybody.

Never mind who the we is,
finish about the car.

Ha, ha.

I'd love to have seen that.

You hitchhiking
a ride to Grossinger's.

Why didn't you have 'em
come and un-stick the car.

Quit yelling.

I should a known,
nobody touches your Rolls but a Rolls man.

Sorry.

Duke's on his way.

Yes, sir. That was the we.

Yes sir, a lot.

It's not ridiculous.
We grew up together.

Yes she's married.

But I think she's
leaving him for me.

The marriage was over.

I'm not talking
about puppy love, Ben.

I'm talking about salvation.

Some fish.

Some fish he takes me for.

Your old pal I'm talking about.

I suspected.

His story's so full a holes.

Why do you keep repeating that?

So a car is here, who care?

Besides, Corky agrees with you.

It's a crazy story,
but there it is.

Some happy coincidence.

A guy drives 90 miles

and you and Corky just happen
to be off in the woods

when he's snoopin'.

You put out for him
in the woods, did ya?

I love it when you're drinking.

Well,
why didn't you tell me about

this g*dd*mn
legendary walk before?

No comment.

Listen,

I know his story's bullshit

because I got the car out
of the mud and it was nothing.

If I can do it, anybody can.

Maybe he tried.
Maybe he couldn't.

He's old.

Corky never said he was old.

He must of to me.

When?

When we were
having dinner, probably.

He got squiffed fast
and flaked out.

That's what he said earlier.

And how did you know
he was old, did you see him?

Answer me, I'm talking to you!

No, I didn't see him.

Why not?
He must've wrung the bell.

I mean the guy drives 90 miles,

he's gonna ring the g*dd*mn
doorbell, wouldn't you agree?

I didn't hear any bell.
Now quit this.

Why not? What were you doin'
that was so...

Did he ring while you were
screwin', is that it?

That is it, isn't it?

No it isn't.

Why didn't you
invite him in to watch?

Shut your dirty mouth.

Did you screw Corky?

No!

I'll pound you all day,
you keep lying!

I'm not lying!

The truth, the g*dd*mn truth!

Did you f*ck him?

No I didn't!

But I wanted to.

Come on, it'll be fun.

If you don't like fishin'
I'll let you row.

Just had a good talk with Peg.

Like to have one with you now.

I'll grab a jacket.

Where is Peg?

She's in town
making a decision, she said.

What are you doin' that for?

Uh, habit.

Hey, we trust each other
don't we?

Of course.

You seem upset.

Should I be?

Get in the front.

What are you lookin' for?

Nothin'.

You're the one wants to fish.

Why don't you try over there.
Here I'll do the rowing.

I know the best holes.

When I get us there
you can take over.

I'm not much on booze.

I told you that.

You told me a lot of things.

What's that supposed to mean?

Peg said you screwed her
last night.

Damn.

I told her to keep it a secret.

You think it's funny, do you?

Is that why you
brought me out here?

Try to get me to admit to
something that never happened?

If it is I'd like to
go back in now, Duke.

What she said was,

she wanted to
go to bed with you.

I'm loosin' her Corky,
and I don't know what to do.

All she does is
talk about you, Duke.

You're not losing anybody.

What I said before,
about quitting the real estate business,

there was never any
real estate business to quit.

She came in when I was on top.

And she stuck with me
all the way down.

g*dd*mn it.

Oh, that's heavy.

Duke, I said I'd
like to go back in now.

This feels like a whale.

God, I'm cold,
let's get the hell in.

It's comin' loose.

Hey, you're breakin' my pole.

I'm trying to help you,
that's all.

Well, don't help.

It's comin' now.

It's comin'.

g*dd*mn log.

Any of that scotch left?

Thought you didn't like booze?

I'm freezing my nuts off,
that's all.

Thanks.

Thanks.

I wonder who he is.

See what his wallet says.

Jesus Christ,

I was thinking' he might
be your Rolls Royce guy.

Gangrene?

You must be kidding' me.
He's about 6'3".

Nothin'.

He's stripped clean.

It doesn't make sense.

Must be some identification.

Jesus Christ,
he might still be alive.

Fantastic.

I'll do the kiss of life.

You run up to the house,
call Normandy Hospital.

Tell 'em to get over.

Right.

And stay at the house
'til they get there

so you can direct 'em
straight here.

Gotcha.

Ben Greene.

Gangrene.

Son-of-a-bitch.

He is the Rolls guy.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Don't panic.

My God, what have you done!

I said don't panic.

My God, what am I going to do?

Well, pick me up dumb-dumb
and I'll tell ya.

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

Well, sit down then, dummy.

Alright.

You're gonna zoom to my suitcase
and whip out one of those

nice long pieces of canvas.

Well clean my face
and you won't throw up.

Okay.

You're gonna take the canvas

and you're gonna wrap
part around Duke here,

and part of it around Gangrene.

Then you're gonna
get a nice big rock

and wrap the rest around it.

Take that out a my mouth.

Then you're gonna row out

and dump the bundle
over the side.

And if you do it right,

I'll be able to say
atta-boy, schmucko.

Two birds with one stone.

Hi.

Hi.

You've had quite a day I guess.

Whatever.

Where's Duke.

We had a blow up.

He tried to get me to admit we'd
gone to bed together. But uh...

when he couldn't he told
me he was going to go hunting

and I should get the hell out
by the time he got back.

Are you coming with me?

Are you coming with me?

I gotta know.

Who wins,

me or Duke?

If I'm a prize,

then you're the winner.

And as soon as Duke gets back

and I can tell him
in person that I'm leaving,

we can take off.

Gee you know ...I don't think
you should put yourself through

a big emotional scene
like that, do you?

Well, I gotta leave Duke
with his pride.

We spent a lotta
years together and ah...

he's gotta understand
that he didn't fail.

We failed together.

So let's the both of us pack,
okay.

Don't try arguing
me out of this.

He's got to be home soon.

He can't hunt
at night time, right?

Okay.

Oh, my God.
She's leaving Duke for you.

Fan-f*cking-gradly,
fan-f*cking-tastic.

Thank you sports fans.

Well, where are we off to?

Now don't get emotional
about this.

About what, about what?

I think maybe there's just going
to be two of us on the honeymoon.

What's the punch line?

You're gonna leave me behind?

Come on buddy, quit the kiddin'.

My head's on straight on now.

I want to get to know her,
that's all.

Take her places.
Show her things.

Paris, maybe, like that.

The Eiffel Tower. The Louvre.

You know?

Schmucko, you've never
been to Paris.

What's this "show her" routine?

I'll be good.

You'll see.

I wanna see Paris too.

You want me to come crawling?

You want me to beg?

Okay, this is me, Fats,

and I'm beggin'.

It's not easy for me either.

It is. It is easy.

You won't be alone.

I'll tell.

What will you tell?

Everything.

I will.

I swear.

In the middle of the act,

one night,
when you don't expect it.

I'll scream,
there's bodies in Lake Melody.

I don't see that happening.

I'm doing a single now.

Duke?

Duke?

How'd it go?

Duke understand?

We haven't talked yet.

You mean he isn't back yet?

Christ, Peg.

Got kinda scary up there.

And I wanted a drink,

but I didn't much
wanna drink alone.

Well, let's just go.
Let's get the hell out.

Send him a telegram.

I'm sorry, my mind's made up.

Besides, he can't be
much longer.

You don't know that.

He was drinking heavy
when he left here.

Did he take a flashlight
with him? Did you notice?

All I noticed

was that big g*dd*mn
elephant g*n he was carrying

when he hinted
I vacate the premises.

Come on,

it's stupid waiting around.

Then I'm stupid.

I didn't say you were stupid.

I said waiting was.

I'm aware of your opinion
on the subject.

Well, try agreeing with me
for once.

Instead of being stubborn.

Give it a rest, Cork.

Sweet mystery of life
at last I've found you.

Fasten your
seat belts everybody.

It's going to be a bumpy night.

I'm here to save you two
from yourselves.

Want me to do
something dazzling?

You do magic too?

Corky does magic.

I only do tricks.

Hey, I got just the thing, Peg.

Bring me a couple
a decks of cards

and I'll read your mind.

What do you mean?

I'll pull the same
card from your deck

that you pulled from mine.

That's not a trick.
You can't do that.

Sure.

You just peek at the bottom
card after shuffling

and it's easy as apple pie.

Corky makes a big deal production
number out of it sometimes.

Like when he's got some bimbo
stewardess he wants to screw.

He makes him think
their minds have touched.

Never fails.

You'll never know
how many people

want to believe in magic.

Oh sh*t.

Peg.

Peg, please.

- Please, please come...
- Leave me alone.

Were you laughing every second.

Please, please.

Was I funny you
bastard son-of-a-bitch?

Let me explain.

Hey, hey.

Jesus.

Listen to me you schmuck.

You gotta please just
answer me one small question?

Why'd you think
I blew the whistle?

Ah, because I was leaving.
Because you were jealous.

Wrong, schmucko.
I did it because I could.

See?

Why didn't you stop me?

Answer, you didn't
because you couldn't.

Look at him.
He still doesn't understand.

Better sit down kid

while I hit you
with an explanation.

Ever since we got together,
I laid low.

It was best for the act.

I let you share the limelight.

If there's one
thing about me, I'm big.

But then earlier today,
when I begged ya,

pleaded not to be left behind

and you pissed ice water
all over me,

well, that tore it.

If I'm boring you,
please walk around.

I don't care.

Fats, don't start in on me.
Please don't.

Listen, I took a failure.

With the charm of
Tricky Dickey Nixon.

I made us skyrocket.

It's not gonna be you and her,
it's gonna stay you and me.

Except from now on
even that's changed.

It's me and you.

You said I've got
a weak stomach.

- You look tired.
- I'm not.

- Then what are you yawning for?
- I'm not yawning.

You gotta wake you up.

- Crawl around. That should help.
- You think?

Hey yeah, it does help.

Say thank you, Fats.

Thanks.

Thanks, Fats.

With feeling, like I'm doing.

I'm filled with
grati-f*cking-tude.

Gee, you've got talent
after all.

Let's see what else you can do.

Fats says smile.

Fats says frown.

Fats says touch the ceiling.

Fats says spin around.

Fats says get a Kn*fe.

What?

Get a Kn*fe.

Come on.

From my suitcase.

Yeah.

I know where it is.

I wonder what we
could do with it?

Hey, I could whittle something.

I'm good at that,
and fast too, name it.

No. I'm looking for something
with a little more pizzazz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't do it.

You really love
old Peg, don't ya?

Oh please, don't k*ll her.

Schmucko, easy.

I wouldn't dream of depriving
you of that pleasure.

No, I can't do it!

There's that old
bug-a-boo of yours again.

Lack of confidence.

I won't and you can't make me!

Wow, I really stepped
on a corn that time.

If ]I can't make ya,
I can't make ya.

- How's your head, Cork?
- Fine!

Thought you might
be getting' a migraine.

No!

Shows how wrong you can be.

Open those baby blues.

Looks to me like one
of those gut wrenchers.

It's getting bad fast.

Please!

Drilling right into the brain,
is it?

Surprise.

Came fast.

It can go fast. Yeah?

Oh yes.

Not so deep anymore?

No, not so deep.

It'll all be gone soon.

Uh... thanks, Fats.

Want it a hundred times worse,
and a hundred days long?

No.

Then take the Kn*fe
on up the hill, lover.

And kiss the girl goodbye.

Duke?

I left schmucko
down at the cabin.

Open up, huh?

You and me gotta
have a quick palaver.

Corky, there's nothin' to say.

I told ya, he's at the cabin.

You and me are the only ones
who can straighten this out.

Go away, Cork.

Fats.

All right, go away, Fats.

That's better.

At least we know who we are now.

Hey, I've got a present
that'll make you smile.

Promise it will.

He made it for you, Peg.
For you to remember him by.

See, he's leaving now and he
wants you to have this.

Have what?

A wooden heart.

He whittled it for you
before he sent me up.

He's quick with his hands.

Leave it outside the door.

Take his heart, Peg.

So he'll know you don't
feel contempt for him.

Oh, I never felt that.

At least that's something.

I'll leave it by the door.

Bye.

Wait a minute, you didn't leave.

Brains as well as boobs.

Anytime you feel like playing
with my levers you'll call?

Sure, sure.

Peggy Ann Snow,

Peggy Ann Snow,

please let me follow

wherever you go...

She liked my heart.

She smiled when
she picked it up.

She looked so
pleased and everything.

I made her happy.

Me.

No tricks or anything.

What's wrong?

I don't know how to say this,
since I haven't got a stomach,

but my stomach hurts.

Bad?

Gettin' bad.

Gettin' real bad.

Yeah.

What's goin' on?

We're dying I think
is what it is?

Dyin'?

Yeah,

I put the Kn*fe deep in me.

Christ, it's spreadin'.

Yeah.

Don't leave me here alone.

Don't worry.

Can you get over here.

All right, I'll try.

Put me flat.

Here.

Why didn't you leave?

Go with her when
you had the chance?

She'd never of gone with me.

She'd have turned me down.

I couldn't even get her
to open the door by myself.

It was never me.

Always us.

Schmucko,

us was you.

What?

It was you all the time.

I hope I don't die first,
is all.

I think we'll go together.

Chances are.

Hey Cork?

Hey, it's me.

I... I changed my mind.

Let's give it a whack okay?
See how it goes?

What do ya say?

I'm warning you Cork,

don't play hard to get with me.

'Cause I'm a woman see,

and I can always
change my mind again.

You may not get this
oppor-f*ckin'-tunity tomorrow.