03x14 - Kiss Me Nate

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, bro, I swiped
some lunches

from the teachers' lounge.

You want Bradford's bagel bites
or Senor Noodleman's noodles?

- Thanks, buddy,

but I got a special lunch
planned with Allison.

I even reserved the
bubblegum-free bench.

Hey! Don't you dare
gum that bench.

- [jazz music]

- Hey there, all you
hip cats and dolls,

it's your favorite
teacher, Mr. Schecter

bringing you some drama
for yo' mama.

- [jazz music]

- Curtains up, people.

The drama club is casting
its latest play.

- "A Kiss From My Angel,"

so if you wanna be a star
auditions are tomorrow.

- Until then... stay jazzy!

- STUDENTS:
[applauding, cheering]

- Hey, I didn't know Allison
was in the drama club.

- Till a minute ago I didn't
know we had a drama club.

- You worried about her getting
the leading role in the play?

- Till a minute ago I didn't
know this school did plays.

- Well, as her boyfriend,
you should be worried.

It's Nate Lockhart.

He always get the lead
and the leading ladies.

They always fall for him even if
they already have a boyfriend.

- Yeah, do not trust him
around your girlfriend.

That guy's a snake.

Hey, yo, Nate,
you like noodles?

What? I don't have
a girlfriend.

- You think I care about some
dude in drama club?

Allison and I are fine.

- Hasn't she canceled lunch
three times this week?

- Max, I have to cancel
lunch today.

- Four times this week.

- I have to rehearse
for my audition.

If I'm lucky I'll be
Nate's next leading lady.

Oh, he is so hot right now.

- Uh, excuse me.

- You know, his public school
drama career is on fire

and I wanna be close enough
to catch some of that heat!

[laughing]

Talk to you later.

- Nate's on fire, but you're
the one who got b*rned.

- ♪

♪ What you see ♪

♪ Is not what you get ♪

♪ Livin' our lives
with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in ♪

♪ Bet you never guessed ♪

♪ 'Cause we're
livin' our lives ♪

♪ Just like all the rest ♪

♪ A picture
perfect family ♪

♪ Is what we try to be ♪

♪ Look closer,
you might see ♪

♪ The crazy things we do ♪

♪ This isn't
make believe ♪

♪ It's our reality ♪

♪ Just your average family ♪

♪ Trying to be normal
and stay out of trouble ♪

♪ Livin' a double life ♪

- Hey, girls.

Just, uh...

Uh, Hattie, have I ever told
you how awesome you are?

And Roxy, you're amazing.

- Max, why are you lying
to my friends?

You know what I mean.

- You two should
totally audition

for the female lead in
the drama club's play.

- I can't audition.
I get stage fright.

- And I get stage rage.

[growly voice]
Don't ask!

- So, Phoebe, have I ever told
you how amazing you are?

- Ha ha, Max.

I know you don't want Allison to
get the lead and fall for Nate,

so if you want me to audition,
you know what you gotta do.

- Ugh, fine.

Listen up, everyone!

Phoebe is the best sister,

and you're all lucky to
have her as a friend.

#TeamPhoebe.

- Okay, I just wanted
you to say "Please,"

but that works, too.

- Wow, I didn't think
it'd be that easy.

What's your angle?
- No angle.

I happen to like
you with Allison.

I'm actually surprised
it's lasted this long.

I mean like shocked.

She's like so nice and pretty
and you're like you.

- Okay, I get it!

- NORA: Here he comes.
Ask him.

- Hey, Dad, do you
go to the bathroom

standing up or sitting down?

- Neither.

- What he meant was...

can you build us
a playhouse?

- I'd love to.

You guys can play in it for
a week and then forget about it,

a bunch of rats will move in,
I'll have to tear it down.

Ooh, I'll accidentally
poke myself

with a rusty nail
and get lockjaw.

Ha ha ha, I can't wait.

- Sweet! We're getting
a playhouse.

- Your brain's a playhouse.

- CHLOE: [whooshing]

I'll build it for you.

- Sorry, Chloe, you can't build
a playhouse with cuteness.

- Nora, Dad says you can.

[whooshing]

- Come on, maybe Mom
will do it,

but you ask this time.

- Hey, Mom, can you
build us a playhouse?

- Billy!
Don't ask her that.

- But you just said.
- [sharp smack]

- You know Dad said Mom wasn't
very good with tools

so we shouldn't ask her.

- BILLY & BARB: He did?

- But he said not
to say anything.

Please don't tell him
Billy blew it.

- Of course not.

So, you kids want
a playhouse, huh?

- I'm not sure what's
going on anymore.

- Well, I would be happy
to build one for you.

Let me just go find those tools
I'm "not very good with."

- Okay, Max, I'm ready to
practice for my audition.

- Oh, good, I brought
in a celebrated actor

to help you prepare.

- Please tell me it's
a Hemsworth brother.

- Even furrier.

- Romeo, Romeo, wherefore
art thou, Romeo?

- Oh, maybe Romeo left--
just like I'm about to.

- No, wait.

Seriously, Colosso's
really good.

He could help you
get the lead.

- And if you think you can do
better, let's see it.

- Fine.

[clearing throat]

[mock British accent]
Romeo! Romeo!

Wherefore art thou?

[high-pitched]
Romeo?

- Oh, no, she's terrible.

- Give her a break.

No, seriously,
go over there

and break every
bone in her body.

- Barb, are you building
the kids a playhouse?

- Yeah, despite the rumor,

it turns out I'm pretty
good with tools.

- Of course you are--

except I would've used
screws not nails.

They last longer.

- Not what the directions
say, Hank!

- Well, sometimes you just
gotta follow your instincts.

- [hammering]
Sorry, can't hear you!

I'm too busy using
this hammer properly.

- Just trying to help.

- I think we might be able to
get two playhouses out of this.

Follow my lead.

- This isn't what
you meant. Got it.

- I wish there was
a way to know

who could build
a better playhouse--

By the Book Barb
or Freestylin' Hank.

- I don't know. Mom's already
got a head start.

There's no way Dad
could catch up.

- Yeah, it's not like
he could fly away

and be back with an armful
of lumber in seconds.

- Fifteen!
Freestylin' Hank, away!

- [hammering faster]

- Hi, I'm Allison and I'll
be doing a monologue

from the hit teen m*llitary
comedy "Sergeant Selfie."

OMG! Today was my first day
at boot camp and guess what?

These are the worst boots ever!

- Gouda, Gouda, Gouda!
Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!

Blah, blah, blah!

- Allison's out
there nailing it

and you're back here
practicing barfs?

- I'm not barfing.
This is a training exercise.

- But you have to do great,

if you wanna b*at
Allison for the lead.

So remember, everything
you did in my lair,

don't do that.

- Just leave me alone.
I got this.

- AUDIENCE:
[light applause]

- Hi, I'm Phoebe Thunderman and
I'll be performing a monologue--

- Hold!

You call those angel wings?

I've seen prettier feathers
on truck stop pigeons.

Pencil!

- Stand up straight.
You're slouching.

- What are you doing?
- Helping you.

Now move into the light.

Ugh, gross, your elbows
look way bigger now.

- Stop it!

I can do this without you.

For once in your life
just trust me.

I know it's hard for you,
but you have no choice,

'cause I'm the one up here,
I'm the one doing the work.

I'm the one who's gonna
crush it, all for you,

so just go back in
the hole you crawled out of

and leave me alone.

- I've seen enough!

- What?
Ha, no, that wasn't--

- Next!

- Oh, I'm too nervous.
I can't do it. You look.

- Yes!
- I got the lead?

- No-o-o.

- Well, then who did?

- I got the lead?

- Oh, oh, oh,
of course you did.

Your monologue was amazing.

It was like you were
talking directly to

the person you hate the most.

A star is born and her name
is Poobie Tinderman!

- It's, uh,
Phoebe Thunderman.

- Change it!
[snapping fingers]

- I'm looking forward to
working with you, Phoebe.

- [spritzing mouthwash]

I'll see you at rehearsals.

- So, you get to be angel
number three, huh?

Well, that'll be cool.

You get to wear a halo,
some wings, do angel stuff.

Yeah, I read the play.

- Well, thanks for being so
mature about this, Max.

It makes me realize
I'm with the right guy.

- Hey, I'd support you
no matter how small

and meaningless your part is.

- I'm talking about
you being so cool

with me having a big
kissing scene with Nate.

I'm catching that heat!
[laughing]

- I should've read the play.

- I should've read the play.
I should've read the play.

- Dude, congrats. I heard Phoebe
got the lead in the play.

You got what you wanted.

- Yeah, but Allison
got angel number three

and has to kiss Nate.
- What?

That's not what you wanted.

- We both know what will
happen if she kisses him.

- [wedding music]

- You may now
kiss the bride.

- Ha! Been there, done that.

- [palm slap]

- [wedding bells chiming]
- [pounding on glass]

[muffled screaming]

- [wedding bells echoing]

- This is a nightmare.
- I know.

I can't believe they're
gonna ride off together

on a talking dragon.

- Phoebe!

Why didn't you tell me angel
number three kisses Nate?

- You should've read the play.

- I know I should've
read the play!

How are we gonna fix this?

- It's just a stupid kiss.

It's not like Nate and Allison
are gonna fall for each other

and get married in
a high school hallway.

- It could happen!

- Relax, Max. This is
all in your head.

Nate's only interested
in leading ladies,

and hello, leading lady.

- Phoebe, Phoebe!
- Roxy!

- We're here entourage now.

We do not call her
by her first name.

- Guys, I know having an
entourage is one of my perks,

being the star and all,

but I'm still
the same old Phoebe--

just without a chai latte
in my hand, thank you.

- Nate, wants to run lines
with you over lunch.

He even reserved the
bubblegum-free bench.

- PHOEBE: [giggling]

See, Max? That silly
kiss won't even matter.

The big stars always wanna
be with other big stars.

It's just the natural
order of things.

Just like how wherever I go,
my entourage follows.

Guys!

- Oh, right, sorry!

- [sighing]
Phoebe's wrong.

This is not all in my head.

- Who's got two lips and is
about to kiss your girlfriend?

[exaggerated kissing]
- [locker door slams]

- You figure it out yet?
[exaggerated kissing]

- [locker door slams]

- It doesn't matter
how I got here.

What matters is that
I'm with you now.

- You must hide.

No one at Angel Prom can
know you are not an angel.

- Silence!

I mean, take five.

- Why do we always take
fives during my scenes?

- Because I can hear you
through the ear plugs.

- Ignore Schecter.
I dig your method.

It's so real.
You're my perfect leading lady.

- [laughing]

- Great job, Phoebe.
- Cool death scene.

- Wait, that wasn't
a death scene.

- Told you.

- Let's do the final scene.

Nate, this is when you
find love and kiss Allison.

Angel number three,
pucker up.

- Will you make me the happiest
non-angel and kiss me?

- Yes, Seth from
Kentucky, yes!

- Not on my watch.
- [powers zapping]

- [column thuds,
sphere rolls]

- Whoa, that was weird.

Allison, are you okay?

- Max, what are
you doing here?

- Well, I signed up
to be a stagehand

to support my girlfriend
and all her acting buddies.

Hey, Nate!

- Excuse you.

We're trying to rehearse
the big kiss.

Step aside, stagehand.

Let's try that
big kiss again.

And action!

- Yes, Seth from
Kentucky, yes!

- [powers zapping]
- [pail clatters]

- What the heck is going on?

- Amateurs.
Am I right, Mr. Schecter?

- What are you
talking about?

- Well, I don't need to
tell an experienced

theater person like you--
it's obviously bad luck

to rehearse a kiss
before opening night.

You know, the kiss curse.

I mean, look what
just happened.

- Of course, the kiss curse.

Yes, one of the biggies
and I know all about it

because I didn't lie about

my theater experience
to get this job.

- Okay, so we're not
rehearsing the kiss?

- Keep up, amateur.

No kiss until opening night!

- The director has spoken!

- BARB: [hammering]

- Fooling Mom and Dad
was easier than I thought.

- I know, we got
two playhouses.

Someone should put our pictures
up in the Kids Hall of Fame.

- Yeah, after we get
Mom and Dad to build it.

- NORA: [laughing]

- ♪

- So, here we are, Nate,
opening night.

- [sandbag thuds]
- NATE: [screams]

Why does that
keep happening?

- I have a few ideas.

- Listen, there's something
I've been meaning to ask you.

- Oh, Nate, I'm flattered,

but, uh, I can't string
you along anymore.

There's never gonna
be an "us."

- Yeah, duh!

- I'm glad you understa--
Wait, what?

- Phoebe, you're cute and all,
but you're just not my type.

I like girls who are
into theater.

- I'm literally in the play.

- Oh, sorry, I didn't finish.

I like girls who are into
theater and can act.

- Wow, I thought you said I was
the perfect leading lady.

- I did.

I couldn't have you quit
and jeopardize the play.

Then I wouldn't get to kiss
Allison and steal her from Max.

I just wanted to ask which
breath spray I should use--

lime or mint?

I'll use both.

It's gonna be
a lo-o-o-ong kiss.

- Hey, what happened?

- Oh, no, Mom and Dad
are so old

they forgot they were supposed
to build two playhouses.

- Actually,
your father and I

put aside our creative
differences...

- ... and decided to make one,
big beautiful house.

- Call before you come visit.

- For Chloe.
- BOTH: Chloe?

- You blew it, baby!

- That'll teach
you not to play

your mother and me
against each other.

- That's right.
We heard everything.

- But what about us?

- You two go get ready
for Phoebe's play.

- We have to go to
Phoebe's play?

Haven't we been
punished enough?

- Max.

- I wasn't gonna drop
a ladder on Nate.

Oh, it's you.

- Max, you were right.
Nate really is after Allison.

- That's what I've
been telling you.

Now, use those pointy elbows to
help me cut some of these ropes.

- No, I have another way
to shut down the play.

They can't go on with the show
without their... leading lady!

- Great idea.

This is gonna hurt.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, I'm gonna fix
this with acting.

- Ugh.

- Just go tell Allison I'm sick
and the play is canceled.

- What about your entourage?

- I already cut them loose.

It's worth it if it means
you get to keep Allison.

I miss them, but to be honest
their chai lattes were all foam.

- Thanks.

Allison, there you are.

Bad news.
The play's canceled.

Phoebe's sick and I'm just
so worried about her.

- Yeah, right, stagehand.

I know what's going on.

You've been trying all week to
stop me from kissing Nate.

- What?

Is that this play?

- Yes, it's this play.

- [sighing]

Fine, I don't want
you to kiss Nate

and marry him in
the school hallway.

There I said it.

- What?

For someone so cute, you sure
sound like a dummy.

I really like you
and no stupid kiss

in a high school play
is gonna change that.

- Well, I guess I have
been kind of a...

- The word is "dummy."
- Yeah, that.

But in my defense, I've never
been in a relationship before.

This is all new
territory for me.

- Well, get over it!

We're stuck with each other.
[kisses]

- Mr. Schecter,
I'm not feeling well.

I know the show must go on,
but the fever, oh, the fever.

- That's okay, we'll cancel.

Strike the set!

- Nope, she's fine!

Trust me,
just pre-show jitters.

- Ugh! Places, everyone!

Ear plugs.

- Max, why'd you do that?

I just gave the performance
of a lifetime.

- It's okay, I'm good.
Seriously.

You tried helping me,
so I'm helping you

keep something
important to you.

Entourage!

- You're going to
steal the show!

- Chai latte?
It's extra foamy.

- I know.

- AUDIENCE: [applauding]
- It's show time.

- [harp music]

- So this is Kentucky!

- ♪

- Farewell Kentucky!
You'll always be in my dreams.

The light dims. She exits.

- I like it when they
explain what's happening.

- The kiss is next.
Are you okay?

- I'm Max Thunderman.
I can handle this.

- Will you make me the happiest
non-angel and kiss me?

- Yes, Seth from
Kentucky, yes!

- I lied, I can't watch.
- Don't worry, I got you.

- Thanks.

- Wow, it really
is a long kiss.

- Ohhh...

- ♪