02x06 - How To Bury A Millionaire

[bunniefuu]

♪ ("I LOVE MAKIN' LOVE TO YOU"
BY EVIE SANDS PLAYING) ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Greetings, followers.

From The Godfather

to Game of Thrones.

One thing is certain.
Everybody loves a wedding.

Whether it's in the hallowed halls

of St. George's Windsor,

or the parking lot of a little
white chapel in Vegas,

we just love to celebrate love.

And when it comes to luck
on the big day,

don't forget the four essentials.

Something old, something new,
something borrowed...

- (PANTS)
- Three times has to be a record.

Records are meant
to be broken. (EXHALES)

- What's with the shopping spree?
- It was comped.

They asked me to be a brand ambassador.

Of course they did. You must get
offers like that all the time.

No. Not since...

GRAHAM SMITH: That mess with your dad?

Which means that, maybe,

finally, all of that is behind me.

LVMH is gonna announce
the new partnership

on Saturday while
I'm at Max's dads' vow renewal.

I have a plus one.

I want us to be public.
I do. It's just a little soon.

Yeah, of course.

Well, in the meantime,

maybe we could set
a new record, Madam Ambassador?

- (JULIEN CALLOWAY CHUCKLES)
- ♪ No one does it better ♪

- (CELLPHONE BUZZES)
- ♪ Baby, get it while it's hot ♪

(SINGERS VOCALIZING)

(CELLPHONE CLICKS)

GOSSIP GIRL: And last,

but in this case, most definitely least,

something blue.

So exchange those rings...

- Oh! Flowers in the backyard.
- GOSSIP GIRL: ...stomp those glasses

and dance the hora.

Who knows what the night will bring?

From the patron saint of pansexuality

to Mr. Matrimony in a couple
of weeks. What, are you, high?

You know what? I am actually
surprisingly sober.

You must be rubbing off on me, Hope.

And not just in the way
that I usually prefer.

Dad and Pops' vow renewal
at the Botanical Gardens,

it's gonna make their actual wedding

look like a rehearsal.

Wait till you see the tux and gown

that Keeks is designing.

Once those pics hit New York Mag,

Keek's re-branding
will officially launch.

Oh, yeah. New York Mag?

Try top feature
in the Times vows section.

Yeah. Oh, and I secured

the hottest wedding planner in the city.

They are gonna make sure
that every last detail

is perfectly ex*cuted

so that my dads only have
to think about one thing.

Love.

- (SINGER VOCALIZING)
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)

- Baby, yeah! ♪
- ♪ (SONG FADING) ♪

(SIGHS) Posted.

Why can't we meet at school anymore?

Bushwick is for Thai and coke only.

Now that Mike knows...
Thinks Jordan is Gossip Girl,

the three of us really shouldn't
be seen together.

It's been days and nothing.
I even still have my job.

Waiting for the other Shubin
to drop is aggravating my IBS.

I don't get it. What are he
and his mysterious benefactor

- waiting for?
- Arrest warrants to process?

- ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ♪
- What? We're workshopping.

Actually, my money is on a hit job.

Jor-Jor, stay ten feet away
at all times.

I can't die in this skirt.

No matter what,
we should exercise caution.

Maybe not post as much for a few days?

Better to keep attention off
until we know what's what.

Okay. Time to begin my nightly
looking over my shoulder

every time someone moves on the subway.

Ladies first.

KATE KELLER: Um, Jordan.

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

What you said to Mike about, you know,

your feelings for me. Was, um...

Oh, God. You... you didn't think
I actually meant that, did you?

I... I would have said...
anything to save us.

Right. Of course.

Thank you.

(DOOR SHUTTING)

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Dad? Julien? Anyone?

♪ (HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING) ♪

(CELLPHONE CLICKS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- (MONET DE HAAN LAUGHING) Okay.
- (CELLPHONE CLICKS)

(CELLPHONE CLATTERS)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (SIGHS)

- The power that that has.
- Mm.

(SIGHS) Don't know why
they didn't pick me.

You're clearly a Chanel girl.

With a fraction of the followers.

JULIEN: I've been living
under my dad's shadow

for so long,
I never thought I was gonna get

another one of these opportunities.

It feels so good
to be back in the spotlight.

Do you like this baguette?

I can only be seen wearing
their accessories now.

Hmm. And will you be
revealing your other

new accessory as well?

Who you clearly spent
all afternoon with,

instead of letting me find
something to match

that Papillion.

Graham and I are taking it slow.

There's no need to rush anything.

Mm-hmm.

(BOTH) He said no.

Cut him some slack.
He just left his wife.

That's a lot to adjust to before
you're seen with someone new.

Are you sure he left her?
Isn't that like the go-to line

every cheater says to their mistress?

Why would he lie? I hadn't even
slept with him yet.

- Ah.
- Oh.

Okay. Drinks on LVMH?
This is a work event after all.

New year, same naïveté?

That's why she's always had us.
You know what to do.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

OBIE BERGMANN: So, you know
how my mom has been stonewalling me

about the Jakarta building?

I... I think that I found a way

to get the project manager
to speak to me.

So, look, I know that
my mom cut me off, right?

But nobody else knows that.

So, I left a message

saying that I've been asked
to be their go-between

and hopefully, she takes the bait.

- I knew you'd figure it out.
- Well,

what can I say, man? You inspired it.

You know? I owe you.

What do you wanna do?
Uh, dinner at Stone Barns?

A custom skateboard? You name it.

Big talk for someone
who no longer owns a black card.

Wow. Ouch. All right, how about an IOU?

Cocktail hour
is from : to : sharp,

so Keeks must have
the gown and the tux ready.

Uh, Jeanine Tesori, scored
custom processional music.

Th... that's gonna be at : .

- And then... Oh.
- (CELLPHONE BUZZING)

That's odd.
It's the manager of the venue.

Hey, Kathryn.

Oh, I think there's been a mistake.

Uh, no, our coordinator
is handling that.

Uh, of course,
I understand, Kathryn, but...

- What's happening?
- Oh, nothing.

Just notifying me
of our event's cancellation

due to our failure to pay for
the back half of the deposit.

Your coordinator forgot to pay?

Oh, no. That Judas
didn't forget anything.

Aha! See? Look.

His company just announced
that he's coordinating a wedding

this weekend at... Can you guess?

Brooklyn Botanical Gardens.

He played me for our venue.

We don't have a venue.

What are we gonna do?
What am I gonna tell them?

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

- ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (SPEAKING GERMAN)

Hi. Do you mind if we...
If we speak in English?

I don't know why your mother
needs me to speak to anyone.

OBIE: Uh, well...
(CHUCKLES) ...I... I think

that she just, uh, she wants to
make sure that we're all still

on the same page.

If she really paid Tómas
to say, if asked,

that he lied in his soil report,
we're good.

But if she lied to me
and expects me to take the fall

for accepting his doctoring as fact,

we are not on the same page, Otto.

Well, did you sign your NDA?

DANIELA SOMMER: Of course I did.
But I will break it.

If she tries to destroy me,

I will tell the world that she
was behind everything.

♪ ("SAVE ME" BY EMPRESS OF PLAYING) ♪

♪ Don't follow my lead ♪

♪ You always b*at me... ♪

(GASPS) Z!
I didn't know you were coming.

Sorry I missed your call.
I just... I've been so busy.

Yeah, I know. It seems like
everybody has been lately.

- Are you okay?
- (CELLPHONE RINGING)

Actually, there was something that I...

Oh. (GASPS) It's Dacha
from LVMH. I have to take this.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Can you?
- Yeah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ If you need me, baby,
Take me in the back ♪

- Here.
- ♪ Of the room tonight... ♪

- Hey.
- Who cares?

(LUNA LA GASPS) I told you
there was stuff in your requests.

Look. They're offering you
a partnership.

Mango? They'd offer that a partnership,
they're so desperate.

I told you,
I can't reach the next level.

- Okay.
- (ZOYA LOTT SIGHING)

Wait. Who is this?

- Do you know this person?
- BillyEyelash ? That's a bot.

Well, this bot says they saw
a sex tape starring you.

Did you go to Philly last Friday?

God, no, of course not.
Besides, I've always said

that I'm gonna drop my tape
right before graduation

to give me a little pop
going into college.

That's a catfish.

"My friend, Drew, says you were great.

I was wondering if I could
come up and hang?"

- Pretty detailed bot.
- Fine.

I'll bite and see what this is about.

LVMH just cancelled the ambassadorship.

What? Why?

They said that something new
came to light

that constitutes an ethical violation

- for the brand.
- f*ck. GG travels fast.

What did you do?

I may have sent in a tip
to try to get Graham

to publicly commit.

(SIGHS) She posted five minutes ago.

GOSSIP GIRL: This just in.

- ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
- GOSSIP GIRL: We hear JC

snagged something
before it hit the market.

A certain Mr. Who still has his Mrs.

Or maybe I'm Miss Informed?

With her own home in shambles,
is she wrecking someone else's?

- This can't be it.
- Is this what I think it is?

Oh, my God.

I think I found out what it is.

This isn't over.

- (CELLPHONE RINGING, CLICKS)
- JORDAN GLASSBERG: GG's been hacked.

Someone just posted
and it wasn't me or Wendy.

KATE: It was me.

What happened to staying quiet?

If this is ending soon,
we have limited time left

to make a difference.
I got a tip I couldn't ignore.

Or since you're off the hook,

you went back to business as usual?

Jordan, nothing is gonna happen.

If it were,
it would have happened already.

You can't live in fear.

- JORDAN: On the subject of fear...
- (GASPS, GROANS)

Now might be a good time to admit

I do have feelings for you.

KATE: What are you
doing? Stop, stop! Let me go!

This is me, all my cards on the table...

(KATE YELLING)

JORDAN: ...wondering if
you could ever feel the same way

- about...
- KATE: Let me out!

- (DISCONNECTED TONE BEEPING)
- Kate, are you there?

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

MAX: Well, I tried to get them
to undo the error to no avail,

so my dads are gonna have
to postpone and it's all my fault.

It is not your fault, okay?

And postponing wouldn't be
the worst thing in the world.

I mean, it'll give you more time
to make it perfect.

This is what happens, okay?
First, it's postponed,

then it falls off
the calendar completely

and then they never
get back together again.

And any waning belief
I have left in love

- dies with them.
- AUDREY HOPE: Okay, okay.

- I see we're spiraling.
- (MAX EXHALES)

I'm sure we can hustle up
another venue by lunch.

People cancel their weddings
all the time.

There's bound to be
a last-min avail somewhere.

You call the Carlyle and Pierre,

and I will call
the Frick and the Weylin.

Roy and Gideon
will have their special day.

- I promise, okay?
- Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay, bye.

I just can't believe that they
would care about my love life.

Maybe they found out that I gave away
the Neverfull Catogram in .

Oh, honey,
you were right to regift that.

The only thing that changed
between them wanting you

and dropping you
is GG posting about your affair.

- His marriage was already over.
- (SCOFFS)

Said every mistress ever.

I'm just not buying it, Lu.
It has to be something else.

Well, maybe Graham has his own skeletons

in his closet that they found out about.

And no, I'm not talking about
all that Asos.

An SOS indeed.

Graham has been nothing
but honest with me from day one.

It has to be something else, okay?

It has to. I'll see you guys at lunch.

Ooh, what's up with her?

She's more delusional
than liberal Ye fans.

I saw this happen with my parents
when my mom had affairs.

Whoever this Graham person is,
he's lying to her.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

It's time to do some digging.

Hey, speaking of digging,

um, any advice on how
to damage control a sex tape

that you never made and haven't seen?

You sure it's not you?

There's a man in it.

Well, you need to find out
why someone used your name

in order to clear it
before Vivid has you listed

between a Hogan and a Hilton.

Couldn't help overhearing. (CHUCKLES)

Um, but I think it is so terrible

that someone is sharing a sex
tape of you without your consent.

I think you should find them
and make them apologize.

Apologize? No.
I want complete destruction.

And you'll get that. But first,
make sure the video is deleted.

I mean, come on. Take it from someone

who's had a video
come back to haunt them.

Hmm. Fire starter makes a valid point.

- I can help.
- No. I'm not outsourcing,

especially not
to a suburb like yourself.

- (SIGHING) Lu?
- (MONET MUTTERS)

Sorry. Slammed doing recon for Julien.

Fine. Find the perpetrator,
delete the video,

and make sure no one ever thinks

that I've ever stepped foot in Philly.

They're called
flyover states for a reason.

- Actually, Philadelphia isn't...
- Hmm?

Never mind.
Uh, first thing I'm gonna need

is access to your Instagram
so that I can

- triangulate...
- If you post, you die.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

At least now I know
what they did, right?

I just need to make
sure it gets out there.

I need to find an outlet
that's out of their reach,

- you know?
- Well,

why don't you talk to Gossip Girl?

After she sat
on the last sh*t I sent her?

No way. (CHUCKLES)

- Well...
- I might have an idea though.

♪ (MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY) ♪

Have you seen Kate this morning?

Nope. She was a no-show for
her first class, which is unusual.

I'm willing to bet it's not unusual

for women to hightail it
after you confess

your feelings for them.

(SIGHS) Deeply regret

sharing that I shared
that information with you.

The one you should regret
sharing it with is Kate.

No way she would miss work
just to ghost me.

- I'm calling her.
- Stalker.

To see if she's okay.

KATE: You've reached the voicemail box

of Kate Keller. I can't come
to the phone right now,

but leave a message
and I will call you back.

(VOICEMAIL BEEPING)

♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- ♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (KATE GASPING)

Hello? (PANTS) Is someone there?

- Please don't hurt me. (PANTS)
- MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Relax.

You're too small to hurt.
I prefer a fair fight.

Georgina Sparks?

You know who I am?
Well, of course you do.

You're Gossip Girl.

- I'm not.
- GEORGINA SPARKS: Save your breath.

You're gonna need it.

Coming off Sedivet
can be really, really rough.

Water?

You kidnapped me.

You never forget your first time.

Why?

- I paid well for your identity.
- (SIGHS)

- Mike.
- And now, he has enough capital

to finish his q*eer Tolstoy doc.

He led me to Jordan,
but I knew it wasn't him.

Too beta. I had to find his alpha.

You, a teacher, as GG.

Much better than Dan.
It never made sense

how he could be so many places at once.

But you, so compact, so beige.

Those forgettable features.

I could never blend in
with this bone structure.

Why is it getting all blurry again?

That water is ionized,
alkaline, and has Rohypnol.

I needed more time.

For what? (PANTS)

I have big plans for you, Kate Keller.

- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Even the f*cking Rainbow Room is booked.

Okay. So that leaves the Constance gym

or Café Un Deux Trois in Times Square?

Dad needs their love
to be affirmed with champagne

and couture and
of their closest friends.

He will see the failure of that
as a bad omen,

and you know what a Pisces he is.

Hey, what do you think
about a non-traditional venue?

As long as it's not Carmine's, I'm in.

What do you have in mind?

- Status update.
- (EXHALES) Yeah.

Right. Uh, so, the guy that
DM'd you doesn't have the video

He just saw it. He claims
the person that took the video

has the only copy.
I found his name. Drew Pearson.

So, I say you go find him,

do that terrifying
Monet thing that you do,

and get him to delete the video of you.

But, see, that video is not of me.

- It's of you posing as me.
- ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

You thought I would let you DM
as me without keeping tabs?

I've been monitoring
every thought bubble,

every nervous typo you've made,

including the message you deleted,

where he said
the girl in the video had, um,

tattoos of dots on the back of her neck.

You wanna tell me why you made
a sex tape in my name?

Oh. I mean, of course.

If I had yours,
I would do the same thing.

But something just tells me
that there's more to it than that.

Okay. Fine. Yes.

I slept with this guy, Drew,
and it was my first time

and I felt really awful about it.

I just wanted to put
the whole thing behind me,

but I didn't know he was recording.

And the fact that he was
makes everything so much worse

than it already was. Please, Monet,
you're the only one who can help.

- (SIGHS)
- You're the only one who knows.

You wanna be Monet de Haan so bad?

Do what she would do.

Figure it out on your own.

Clear my name
or I'll destroy yours, okay?

(EXHALES SHAKILY)

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- Mr. Bergmann. You have two minutes.
- (DOOR CLOSING)

Uh, hi. I was... I was hoping
that you would accept my apology

if it came with a story
that you couldn't resist.

Congrats on becoming,
uh, deputy editor by the way.

Youngest in the magazine's history.

I know, yes.

NELLY YUKI: Your voicemail, if true...

OBIE: It is true, Miss Yuki.
Yes, all of it.

Your family paid an engineer
to say the soil

for their Jakarta project was solid.

When the soil proved unsafe,

they paid him even more to say
he did it on his own?

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. That's right. And...
and now, he's taking the fall.

That answers my question
about why you're turning

on your own family.

OBIE: I can't stay silent anymore.

Who is our duty to?

Billionaires like my parents
who... who don't care who they hurt

or people who trust them...

whose lives they endanger daily?

Can you come up and meet
with our investigative team?

Right now? Yeah.

Sorry. Did you say venue change?

Uh, but the spray roses
are already on their way

to the Botanical.

Uh, no. Actually, they...
They just arrived at BAM.

Yeah, there was a, uh,
a bit of a miscommunication

with the Garden,
but I've handled everything.

Uh, the guests have been notified,

uh, and... and the musicians
have been rerouted.

So, T-minus hours

until the most epic
vow renewal of all time.

Why... why didn't you tell us
there was a problem?

Because I wanted everything
to be perfect.

And, look, I know...

- I know that BAM is not...
- GIDEON WOLFE: But it is.

That's where we had our second date.

- That Dutch Lear, it was awful.
- Oh, God.

It was not as bad as the mahi-mahi

that gave me food poisoning
across the street.

But you stayed with me all night.

- You held my hair back.
- I do not miss that ponytail.

- ROY SACHS: I do.
- (LAUGHS)

Oh, who would have thought
that such a terrible night

would be the start
of something incredibly special?

- Okay.
- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Max, how did you land BAM?

MAX: Uh, moving forward,

our family trust is part
of the President's Circle

till, uh, what is it? .

Oh.

So you do realize this will all
come out of your inheritance?

♪ ("CAN'T RUN BUT"
BY PAUL SIMON PLAYING) ♪

(SCOFFS) Pops.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

♪ I can't run but I can walk
Much faster than this ♪

♪ Can't run but ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ I can't run but I can walk
Much faster than this... ♪

(CELLPHONE CLICKS)

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

- ASHLEY SMITH: Hey. (CHUCKLES)
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

- How you guys doing?
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

At least now we know why LV
pulled your ambassadorship.

How do you know that's even her?

Uh, does Graham usually whisper
into pregnant strangers' stomachs?

Please tell me you're blocking him.

- I'll do you one better.
- (DIAL TONE TRILLING)

(CELLPHONE RINGING, CLICKS)

Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Hey, I missed you. How was your day?

Played a fundraiser
at the National Arts Club.

Dead as you'd expect.

Did you do anything else?

Have any fun pit stops on the way home?

GRAHAM: Just thinking about you.

Well, maybe I should come over?

- Tonight isn't great.
- JULIEN: Oh, that's too bad.

How about tomorrow?

Now that Gossip Girl's
basically outed us,

any chance you've had a change of heart,

being my plus one to the vow renewal?

Promise no posting?

All the cameras will be pointed
at the altar, not me.

I can guarantee it.

Well, if you really
want me there, I'm there.

I'll text you the address.

Why didn't you call him out on his lie?

I need that ambassadorship,

and the only way to get it back
is to prove to Louis Vuitton

that I would never date a married man,

let alone a father-to-be.

A live Stop the Story
at the vow renewal?

- I've taught you well.
- (CHUCKLES)

♪ A couple was rubbing against us ♪

♪ The man was wearing
a jacket and jeans ♪

(CELLPHONE CLICKS)

♪ The woman was laughing in advance ♪

♪ I can't run but I can
walk much faster than this ♪

♪ Can't run but ♪

- (PHONE RINGING)
- ♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

Hey, Milo. It's Zoya. I need your help.

- ♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (CAR HORN BLARING)

(GASPS, PANTS)

Oh, good. You're awake.

Did you enjoy your -hour nap?

(KATE BREATHING HEAVILY)

What are you doing?
Isn't this your house?

(CHUCKLES) Brooklyn Heights?

I'd rather be back at Jesus camp
than be caught dead here.

This is Dan and Serena's house.
They fired their staff

when they thought
someone was breaking in.

Someone is.

At first, they thought
it was the doorman,

but when they kept
coming home to this...

(GLASS SHATTERING)

...they put up cameras everywhere.

I had my son loop the image.

So now, they're bringing in
a paranormal expert.

They have no idea I'm their poltergeist.

How long have you been doing this?

Five or six years.
At first, it was small annoyances,

taking a sock or two,
turning the heat down.

But then I wanted a little more fun,

like replacing the oat milk
with full dairy.

Their kid's lactose intolerant.
They've seen every specialist

and no one knows what's wrong.

This is illegal.
I don't wanna be a part of it.

Says the woman who built
a w*apon of mass distraction,

capable of controlling New York's elite

in a way that puts
the old Gossip Girl to shame.

- You really think it's better?
- Well, I think it can be better.

And I am going to need
the highly capable you

- for what I'm planning.
- I'm afraid to ask.

Oh, no biggie, just destroying
Max Wolfe's parents' re-wedding.

I'm not going to do that.

Well, then it looks like
I have no choice

but to turn you in to the police.

Cyber stalking and bullying

carries up to three years in prison.

Defamatory libel, another five years.

Criminal harassment, that's ten more.

Looks like I own you
from here on out, KK.

- Let's f*ck sh*t up.
- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SIGHS) Inspired choice, Maxie.

It's over-the-top,
but classic at the same time.

- Sort of like us.
- (CHUCKLES)

Saskia sends her regrets.

Somehow her flight
was rerouted to Saskatchewan.

Now, let's get you both dressed
and ready backstage.

Wait till you see
what I had Kiki design for you.

Speaks volumes to our new beginning.

I feel the same about what
I had her design for you,

- my love.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Let's go.
- Okay. Go, go, go, go, go.

Uh, whoa, I'm sorry. Uh... (CHUCKLES)

What is happening?

These are clearly for a Bordeaux

and not for our signature Burgundy.
I mean...

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Who have I become?

- A bridezilla, apparently.
- Listen, babe.

You are just stressed
because you care, okay?

You've already handled the one
thing that goes wrong at every wedding.

It's clear skies from here on out.

This will be a day
your dads will never forget.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

AKI MENZIES: Okay.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Milo?

MILO SPARKS:
Have you spotted the target?

No, um, but he should
arrive in a minute.

MILO: And he wasn't suspicious
about a last-minute invite

- to a wedding?
- No.

Not after I told him
Amanda Gorman was doing

a reading and that I would
happily make an introduction.

- And he just arrived.
- MILO: Good.

Get his phone and I'll get you
off the top downloads

of ' . Ulyana
will make contact shortly.

- Wait. Who?
- MILO: Ulyana.

You're not coming?

MILO: I'm afraid an unexpected
wrinkle prevents my attendance.

I don't understand why we're doing this.

What do you have against Max's dads?

Can't you just switch their salt
and pepper grinders

- or something?
- Ooh. That might be fun.

I bet Roy does have high blood pressure.

But first...

You have a whole list?

If I do all of this,
can I please go home

before anyone sees me? I beg of you.

Just do everything and then we'll talk.

And don't forget
to turn on the stage lights.

And then you can find me on the balcony
for the coup de grace.

Bye-bye, kitten.

(SIGHS)

Graham is on his way. And his wife?

Doing Gideon's hair as we speak.

I thought that was just
an excuse to get her here.

She's not actually doing Gideon's hair?

Well, she showed up with her kit.

What was I supposed to do? (CHUCKLES)

There he is.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Here we go.

- Hey.
- Hey, you made it.

- Bulking up for winter?
- Oh. Hmm.

I'm just not really sure
how long the rest

of my pocket money is gonna last.

Uh, yeah, about that...

OBIE: Still no word from my mom.

But I have an interview
with New York Magazine.

First thing Monday. On the record, too.

As soon as that goes to print,
my parents can't hide anymore.

Have you seen Audrey? I hate
flying solo at these things.

- Hey, Mom.
- Oh, hi.

Hi. We may have a small problem.

- Oh.
- AUBREY: Come on. Let's go.

- KIKI HOPE: Problem? What problem?
- (SCOFFS) Whatever.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What in God's name...

- Is this?
- (GASPS)

- I was about to ask you. A f*cking tux?
- ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Is this what Roy meant when he
said the look he created with you

would "Speak to our new
beginning together"?

- Back to square f*cking one?
- No.

No. I... I didn't make this for you.

I made you a gorgeous gown.

I... I don't know who would make this.

I bet that the dresser
accidentally switched,

uh, Dad's outfit with Pop's.

Well, I have three feet on Pop,

so this would be too short on him.

I did not make that for Roy.

You specifically requested
the two Toms with tails.

- This is... (GASPS) ...Macy's!
- Oh.

- I can't have that material on my skin.
- AUDREY: Okay, okay.

You know what? I'll check
the other dressing room.

I'm... I'm sure they're both in there.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Right? Yeah. Yeah.

Honey. Yeah. See? Honey, listen.
Audrey is going to fix this,

and everything is going
to go as planned.

Are you trying to convince me
right now or you?

- Definitely me.
- GIDEON: No, but you're right.

- It's all gonna be fine.
- Yeah.

- GIDEON: Oh, I'm so sorry...
- No, no, no.

...that I assumed the worst.

I think I just have pre-renewal jitters.

- Yes. Of course.
- GIDEON: It's getting to me real bad.

- (KIKI GASPS)
- (GASPS) Oh, sweet mother

of God. What happened to my hair?

Please tell me
this is a work deep in progress.

You don't like it?

Do you? I requested a s bob.

I did not request
Barbra in A Star Is Born.

I went off of the reference
your assistant gave me.

My assistant?

Yeah. Small, really nervous, blonde.

- I can fix it. I promise.
- Yeah, sweetheart,

do not come near me
with those hedge clippers.

(DOOR OPENING, SHUTTING)

Um, so good news and bad news.

The bad news
is that Kiki's designs are gone,

uh, vanished, and no one can find them.

- Oh, my God. So...
- Mm-hmm. And the good news?

The good news is that I found
this in its place.

(GROANS) That? That's the good news?

I'm meant to walk down the aisle
looking like a Mormon bride?

I can fix this.

I'm gonna cut the bias
and add some ruching.

In minutes?

Necessity is the mother
of invention and so is mine.

So, let's get to the costume shop.

- Dad, I am so sorry.
- (EXHALES)

I know that this wasn't how
it was meant to go.

No, don't be silly. (CHUCKLES)

Bad things always happen in threes.

It's gotta be uphill from here.

(SINGERS IN DISTANCE)
♪ We are never, ever, ever ♪

- ♪ Getting back together... ♪
- They were supposed to open

with "Together,
Wherever We Go" from Gypsy.

Is that...

♪ ("WE ARE NEVER GETTING BACK
TOGETHER" BY TAYLOR SWIFT) ♪

♪ You go talk to your friends
Talk to my friends, talk to me ♪

♪ But we are never, ever... ♪

I can't believe they just pulled
the offer. They didn't say why?

Only that something recently
came to light that eliminated me.

Well, I say their loss.

Enough about me.
How's your, uh, separation?

Things okay between you and Ashley?

Um, it's been hard,

but being with you makes it easier.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

♪ Are never, ever, Ever, ever... ♪

Another glass of champagne?

- ♪ Getting back together ♪
- GUEST: So good to see you!

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I know that look.
You're having second thoughts.

What if we don't have the whole story?

Outing him in front of his pregnant wife

- is a little extreme.
- Two words. "Pregnant. Wife."

(SCOFFS) Look,
you're a good person, Jules,

which is why you always try
to see the best in others.

To your own detriment.
Case in point, your dad.

It's high time we end centuries of women

giving men the benefit of the doubt.

If not for you, do it for Ashley.

You're right.

We take this
Stop the Story live in five.

You're doing the right thing, Boo.

SINGERS: ♪ Me ♪

♪ But we are never Ever, ever, ever ♪

♪ Getting back together ♪

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

Here you go, sir.

Thanks again for the invite.

Amanda Gorman being here is insane.

(CHUCKLES)

And a new poem from me, as requested.

Right. Wow. She's gonna...
She's gonna love it.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Man,

New Yorkers sure know
how to throw a party.

I gotta take a snap to show my friends.

Uh, actually, there's a...
There's a no phone policy

at this wedding, on account
of all the celebrities here.

- Seriously?
- ZOYA: Yeah.

There's a...
There's a whole phone concierge.

You must have missed it. Here,
let me take your phone for you

and, uh, why don't you get us
some drinks while you wait?

Oh.

Uh, cool. Yeah, sure. Thanks.

- Ulyana?
- (SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

- Are you f*cking kidding me?
- (OBIE GRUNTS)

I have some very not good news.

I already found out that the doggie bag
I asked for is a non-starter.

Well, my dad just offered to buy
New York Magazine.

What?

OBIE: My parents must have
found out that I went to Nelly Yuki.

Now, they're trying to get
your dad to step in,

buy New York Magazine,
and turn it into another one

of his evil propaganda machines...

(SIGHS) ...and bury the story forever.

How much f*cking money
does your dad actually have?

Well, Bezos once asked him for a loan.

- (SIGHS) My f*cking mom, dude.
- (MAX CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, attention, everyone.

Can we all please take
a moment to just enjoy this

very special tribute
to my parents' love through the years?

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (COMPUTER CHIMES)

- (COMPUTER CHIMES REPEATEDLY)
- Okay. Uh.

Scratch that. If everyone can
actually just head

to the auditorium, uh, and we'll
begin the ceremony shortly.

- ♪ (HARP PLAYING) ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Kate. You owe me an explanation.

- Jordan, what are you...
- Doing here?

You've been MIA for two days,

and then I see you in the background

of someone's story?
What I said was a lot,

and it probably should
have been done in person,

but I think you're running from this

because you're scared
you feel the same way.

And if I'm wrong, I need to hear it.

(TRAY CLATTERING ON FLOOR)

Bitch.

Uh, uh, I don't feel
the same way at all.

I'm... I have to go right now.
I'm sorry.

- Well, is it gone?
- MILO: Yes,

but not on my account.
I remotely checked his desktop,

combed his cloud. Incinerated his phone.

Incinerated?

MILO: I'm nothing if not thorough.

But I couldn't find your video anywhere.

Well, maybe there's no video after all.

You know about the video?

If you wanted to know about it,
you could've just asked, Monet.

MONET: Hmm?

- Oh.
- ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

ZOYA: Okay. First of all,
my name is not Monet. I lied.

And, yes, I know about the video
that you took of me

that I did not consent to,
you little sh*t.

Is that why you invited me here?

No. I invited you
because of your sparkling personality

and ability with blank verse.

(SCOFFS) So there's no Amanda Gorman?

Seriously? The reason I invited you here

is because I wanted to erase that video.

I wish I could erase the real act,

- but since I can't...
- There is no video.

I deleted it.

The ceremony's about to start.
I think we should get to our seats.

You're gonna wanna see this.
I'll explain later, okay?

Yeah. But first...

- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- Welcome

to this evening's Stop the Story.

I'm here at BAM
to witness the vow renewal

of Gideon Wolfe and Roy Sachs.

But it seems my plus one, Graham Smith,

doesn't have the same respect
for the sanctity of marriage.

- His own marriage to be exact.
- What's going on here?

I'm sure your pregnant wife,

who you are most certainly
not separated from,

would like to know as well.
So, why don't you explain to her

and my followers
why you've been cheating on her

and lying to both of us?

I'm not his wife. I'm his sister.

- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (CELLPHONE CHIMING)

Wait. What?

And you're Julien Calloway.
What have you done, Graham?

♪ (ANNOUNCEMENT JINGLE PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER) ♪

USHER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

- The wedding is about to begin.
- ♪ (HARP PLAYING) ♪

KIKI: See? It all worked out in the end.

What? The chuppah is wilted.

I told them to keep the lights down

- until the ceremony.
- Roy, what is Sean doing here?

- What? Who do you mean?
- Your ex. Isn't that him?

And Mason and Edgar and John.

All your exes are here.
It's like Grindr at a Quaker meeting.

- Max, I... I don't understand.
- You didn't invite them?

Oh, no, no. My mistake.

Must have referenced
an old contact list.

MAX: And now they're here to witness

what they could never be
for you. True love.

Ah. I suppose
it wouldn't be a real wedding

unless someone
in the audience felt regret.

MAX: All that matters
is that you are both here

to dedicate your love
to each other again.

- Nothing can get in the way.
- (DOORS BANGING OPEN)

- What?
- POLICE OFFICER : NYPD!

- ROY: Max?
- POLICE OFFICER : Nobody move!

- Max.
- Police!

Everyone stay where
you are and remain calm!

We received a tip
about a drug deal in progress!

GIDEON: What is going on?

- POLICE OFFICER : Check that area.
- If I were you,

I wouldn't take a gift bag.

- GIDEON: A what?
- POLICE OFFICER : Check those bags.

POLICE OFFICER : Swiftly out the doors.

GUEST: You got the wrong guy.

POLICE OFFICER :
Remain calm everyone. Thank you.

- GIDEON: This is a wedding.
- (SIGHS) f*ck.

- KIKI: What is happening?
- Max's dads didn't deserve this.

- This was just a test.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

And you passed.

We make a great team, you and I.

Team? That was not part of the deal.

You and I are done.

MAX: Officer, please let me explain.

POLICE OFFICER :
Proceed to the lobby, please.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES)

Okay. So, if you're his sister,
then where the hell

- is your wife?
- His wife?

- Yes. His wife.
- He doesn't have a wife.

- Sure, not now but...
- Not ever. I made it up.

I'm sorry. What?

I wanted revenge.

Revenge for what?

For me.

I used to be a musician years ago.

And your dad...

GRAHAM: Ashley couldn't afford
legal fees for a civil suit.

But your dad?

All the best lawyers hammering
at her credibility,

her lifestyle, trying to wear
her down. And they did.

I have a baby to plan for now, Graham.

I can't keep fighting a losing battle.

GRAHAM: I thought
she'd never get justice,

but then I saw you at that Deb Ball,

and I couldn't stop thinking.
He gets away with it,

and his kid's perfect life
gets to stay perfect.

So when we met at the coffee shop...

I thought if I could get close to you,

I could find some way to hurt you.

But then I realized
how much your dad hurt you, too.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

So, you made up some fake breakup

to your fake marriage
so that you could keep dating me?

Do you see how f*cked up that is?

I am so sorry about my dad.

If I could send him
to jail myself, I would.

You don't owe me an apology.
My brother owes you one.

I never meant for any of this
to happen, truly.

I'm sorry.

(SNIFFLES)

POLICE OFFICER :
Hey, in the aisle, this way.

Let's go, single file.

What is it? Just tell me.

LUNA: My spy at LVMH
finally got back to me.

They found out that

your income goes directly
to a conservatorship

under your dad's name.

They couldn't risk having the brand
have any association with him.

You didn't know about it?

No idea.

Come here.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO)

What?

I know that taking that video was wrong.

And illegal and morally corrupt.

Okay. I know. I'm sorry.

This isn't an excuse, but...

I'm not the most popular guy at school.

I'm shocked to hear that.

DREW: There are a bunch of guys

that shade on me for being a virgin

and worse.

But then we connected,

so I thought, you know,
as soon as we were gonna have sex,

that these assholes at school
wouldn't believe it, so...

I turned on my camera right as...

No need to elaborate. Thank you.

I f*cked up, big time. I know that.

So, I deleted it. It's gone.

So is the experience of my first time.

You took that from me,
and I can't get it back.

- HELENA BERGMANN: Hallo?
- Wow, you, uh, you picked up.

I guess I wasn't expecting that.

You are my son.
I will always answer your call,

even when you betray me.

What did you expect me to do?
Just... just sit around and watch

while you put people's lives
at risk, innocent people?

What am I going to do with you?

OBIE: Aside from, uh,
kick me out of my home

and cut me off? I don't know.
I guess you could, uh,

you could arrange for my untimely death
to silence me.

(CHUCKLES) Don't be so sensational.

No, look, this story will come out.

Will they believe you, though?
I mean, now that you're cut off.

You knew that I would do this,
huh? You, uh... (CHUCKLES)

Did you cut me off to discredit me?

You should have paid
far closer attention

when Papa was teaching you
how to play chess, mein Schatz.

OBIE: You may be able to silence me,

- but you can't silence Daniela.
- (CELLPHONE BEEPS)

(DISCONNECTED TONE BEEPING)

(DIAL TONE RINGING)

- NELLY: Hello.
- Hi, Ms. Yuki.

Yeah, please tell me that you found...

I take it you didn't see
Daniela Sommer on CNN

taking responsibility
for the Jakarta coverup

- just now?
- OBIE: What?

NELLY: It seems you were misinformed.

As much as I would like to help,

there is no evidence
to back up your claims,

Mr. Bergmann. I'm sorry.

- (EXHALES)
- (CELLPHONE CLICKS)

(SIGHS)

MAX: Well, I failed
you both, colossally.

Max, I am certainly a fan of melodrama,

and this lighting
is really perfect for it,

but I think you're taking this
a little hard.

No. You... No, I'm not.
You don't get it.

It's my fault that you guys split up
in the first place.

I exposed things
that I didn't even understand.

No, I... (CHUCKLES)

- I broke you guys up.
- ROY: No. Things were broken

between us long before you, yes,
maybe carelessly intervened.

We had to go through
what we went through

to get here on this stage with you.

We had to fall apart to put
our family back together again.

You know what we have to do, right?

I was thinking the same thing.

Max, the show must go on.

Let's go.

♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Dad, Pops, are you ready?

Never been readier.

Vows? f*ck.

- Oh, they're in your coat.
- Oh, it's in your coat.

Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GUESTS EXCLAIMING SOFTLY)

They look amazing.
I knew you had it in you.

In Love's Labour's Lost,
Shakespeare wrote,

“At Christmas, I no more desire a rose,

than wish a snow
in May's new-fangled mirth,

but like of each thing
that in season grows.”

Pops. Dad.

- This is your new season.
- (CHUCKLES)

GOSSIP GIRL: At the end of
the day, love isn't about control.

It's about letting go.

It's about being true to who you are

and what you do.

And, most importantly,
loving who you love.

♪ ("INVINCIBLE"
BY OMAR APOLLO PLAYING) ♪

- ♪ If I were to go ♪
- ♪ Go, go ♪

♪ Tell me would you notice me? ♪

Um, please tell your sister
that I'm sorry.

I never should
have involved her in this.

You only did it because I lied.
This isn't on you, okay?

(SIGHS) Despite everything,
I still like you.

And I know even saying that just adds

to an already enormous pile
of confusing bullshit,

- but...
- I feel the same way.

♪ Twenty-four hours after... ♪

It's too bad, isn't it?

That two people, against all odds,

managed to meet in this city
and fall for one another...

but then...

Have too much between them
to ever make it work?

- (SIGHS)
- I need to focus on my sister.

Somehow, despite trying
to do my best for her,

I managed to not be there
for her at all.

I know exactly what you mean.

Goodbye, Julien.

♪ ...would you notice me ♪

- If I were to go ♪
- Go, go, go ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: If we truly love something,

we should be willing to let it go...

(EXHALES)

- (CELLPHONE BUZZES, CLICKS)
- Um, hello?

Apparently,
Drew's school wasn't thrilled

to learn about
his extracurricular passion

for videography
and decided to expel him.

My mom's lawyers have already served him

- with an injunction.
- Wait, you...

You did that for me?

Even after I pretended to be you?

Oh, it's only natural you wanna be me.

And no one messes with a de Haan,
real or imaginary.

Wow. Well,
thank you so much, really. I'm...

It's an unexpected
but welcomed surprise.

- No, really, I'm touched...
- You can stop there.

I don't do feelings. Ew.

- Okay.
- (CELLPHONE CLICKS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- (BREATHES DEEPLY)
- Hey, you.

I feel like we keep missing each other.

Yeah. Yes, we do.

What's up? Are you okay?

Honestly? (SIGHS) Not really.

This sh*t with my dad
keeps f*cking with my life.

As much as I wanna put it behind me,

I think I have to face the fact that

it's gonna take a lot more time.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

What about you?

I feel like
we haven't talked in forever.

Yeah, there is actually something
I've been wanting to tell you about.

Hey.

You know you can talk to me
about anything, right?

Okay. Well, a few nights ago,
Shan and I went

to this party in Philly.
And while we were there...

GOSSIP GIRL: ...while also holding

those we love close at all costs.

But, dear followers,

be careful not to grip too tightly.

NEWS ANCHOR: Minutes ago,
local officials confirmed

that the building's
construction manager,

Daniela Sommer, has taken her own
life. Sommer was a German national

and long-time employee of Bergmann...

- ♪ If I were to go ♪
- ♪ Go, go, go ♪

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

GOSSIP GIRL: That's a lesson
some never learn.

Tightening their grip...

...around a promise that will never be.

Which is the most
dangerous thing of all.

- (SCREAMS, PANTS)
- LED lights? Really?

- (PANTS)
- Did you know that you have

four weak points of entry
and a very pliable super?

- ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- What are you doing here?

I'm here to talk about Gossip Girl.

I still think you haven't
fully realized her potential.

You said I created something
more powerful than ever before.

Correction. I said you could.

You need to do more
than just report stories.

You need to create them.

That is not my mission statement.

I thought you might say that,

which is why I'm gonna help you learn

how to be a true agent of chaos.

I don't want your help.

GEORGINA: Fine. I'll go.

Don't worry, I didn't drink it.

But until you change your mind...

(IN RUSSIAN)

(IN ENGLISH) I'm not like
those other teachers.

I don't sting, I burn.

(DOOR SHUTTING)

And I would think twice
about that superstore wine.

Or maybe it was your toothpaste?

Don't you love Russian roulette?

GOSSIP GIRL: Because while
being in control may be an illusion,

spinning out of it is very, very real.

XOXO, Gossip Girl.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪