01x07 - Happy Sweet Sixteen, Jerk

[bunniefuu]

♪ I've been so excited
I've been over the moon ♪

♪ Singing in the shower
That's my favorite tune ♪

♪ Oh, people to see, yeah… ♪

My mom always goes big
for birthdays.

Life won't throw you parties.

You gotta make your own.

Even when we were dead broke,
she'd find a way to make it festive.

For my 12th birthday,
she dropped a stink b*mb

so we could have
the movie theater to ourselves

and sing along to Moana
as loudly as we wanted.

That's what Georgia does. She puts a big,
glittering bow on everything

- and pretends like nothing's wrong.
- ♪ Do what you love ♪

Your hair!

It's straight.

I wanted a change.

New, older me.

- But I love your natural hair.
- Aww. Then you wear it.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you… ♪

It's 7:00 a.m. I don't want cake.

♪ Happy birthday dear Ginny… ♪

- Must you sing the whole song?
- Yeah.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

This came from Zion's parents.

You opened it.

They sent 500.

- Happy birthday, Ginny!
- Aww! Thanks, Austin!

Oh!

- Cake!
- Cake!

Go brush your teeth.

Sixteen.

An adult. A little woman.

My little woman.

Louisa May Alcott's all atingle.

You really are growing up.

That mean you'll treat me like a grown-up?

Trust me with important factors
of your life,

like, I don't know, off the cuff,

the fact that you have a sister
and your real name is Mary.

Happy sweet 16, jerk.

♪ Come on, everybody ♪

♪ Gonna light up, shine a little… ♪

♪ Do what you love ♪

I've never much liked my birthday.

Of course you can.

Ginny, it's for you!

I can't believe Dad got me a piano.

I still remember it.

You think this is good, wait till you see
what I got planned for tomorrow.

Oh God. What does that mean?

It means tomorrow
I planned a secret surprise.

Oh goody.

More secrets.

Whoa. What's going on?

Why are you smiling
like you're about to tell Pinky

the plan is to take over the world?

Nothing.

♪ OK, so we're just gonna try this… ♪

I don't want the bro squad
infiltrating our house,

puking in our bathroom, k*lling my fish.

Hey, Brodie didn't k*ll your fish.
He ate your fish.

- You think it survived that trip?
- Come on! It's for Ginny for her birthday.

- Just do it for Ginny.
- Yeah, do it for Ginny.

Fine.

Yay!

OK.

So, in the past three hours,
you have texted me, DM'd me,

Snapchatted me,
and you just requested $500 on Venmo.

- I'm funny.
- Yeah, you're a treat.

Have you been practicing?

You sound like you're gargling.

Say that word I like.

Hamburguesa.

- Oh my God. OK. Wow. Now you.
- OK.

You are very pretty.

So good!

- So good!
- Thanks!

Mwah!

- Ready?
- Not really.

I bet you're not!

- No, really, I...
- Open!

- Surprise! Happy birthday!
- Surprise! Happy birthday!

You guys
really didn't have to do all this.

- It was mostly Max.
- It was all Max, actually.

I'm so happy you moved here. I don't know
what I would have done without you.

It would have been like Drake and Josh,
but no Josh. Just Drake.

But not Drake Drake. Drake.
We should all go to a concert together.

OK.

Yeah, we get it, Max.
Yeah, Ginny's the best.

You're amazing.
You're the best, and I'm just over it.

I'm so over it. And I…

I have to go to class.

That was hateful.

Pretty bitchy.

Maybe she just has something going on
at home or something.

Or she's just insanely jealous.

She's become the Grinch Who Stole
Sophomore Year. I can't.

Hey, guys, I'm supposed to tell you all
to look in that general direction.

Wow!

Hey! All you ever got me for my birthday
was an Amazon gift card.

Yeah, and I stand by that.

I have a question over here.

People are riding electric scooters
on the bike path.

What are you gonna do about it?

Our bike cops are monitoring
and assessing...

If I'm elected mayor,
I will have the offenders ticketed.

Finally!

I got a question.

- I got a question.
- I've got one.

How do you plan on making Wellsbury
more senior-friendly?

Boomers and millennials alike
want walkable amenities.

They want convenient transportation,

and both will be at the forefront
of my Wellsbury Improvement Plan.

Um, how do you propose to allocate
Wellsbury's $360 million budget?

Definitely the schools.

I'm a mom, and children are the future.

All of it?

All of it to the schools?

My mission is to build a better
and more beautiful Wellsbury.

And 50% of my budget
will go to the education system.

The rest will be directed towards
enterprise funds like Green Gardens

that bring more money back into our town
and to community preservation.

Thank you.

There she is!

OK, show us
the barrage of birthday notifications.

It's my dad.

"Glad you like the piano.
Happy birthday, gummy bear."

- He calls me gummy bear.
- That is so cute.

My dad calls me smelly.

- Clint really cracks himself up.
- What's the plan for Saturday?

- I'm gonna have sex with Sophie.
- Oh my God. Really?

- Yup. She's gonna swipe my V-card.
- You guys just started dating.

Sophie's a senior.
She's had sex with two different people.

She slept with this girl
she was lifeguarding with

because she is not perfect enough.
She needs that kind of imagery.

Then she dated Ben Brandeis
and had sex with him too.

OK, but are you ready?

Ben Brandeis! Baywatch lifeguard!

Yeah, I think I'm ready
to have sex with Hunter.

That makes sense.

After that display this morning,
I think I'm ready to have sex with Hunter.

I mean, I'm 16 now, and he's my boyfriend.
He's so hot, and he cares about me.

So, yeah, I want to.

Oh my God. Are we losing our virginities
on the same night?

Are we a movie?

OK, this is so Blockers.
I feel so Blockers right now.

This is perfect.
We'll lose our virginities together.

Not in the same room together,
'cause that would be insanely creepy,

but doing it the same night
is such a best friend bonding thing.

We'll have this when we're old
and near death and can't chew our food.

- So cute.
- Oh!

FOMO! I want in!
I can have sex with Jordan.

Boring! You guys have sex all the time.
This is our first time. This is special.

No, it's not.

It just happens, and it isn't special,
and you wake up, and nothing's changed.

I know.

Virginity is an antiquated construct
meant to keep women down.

- What? It was a good Ginny impression.
- Thank you so much.

- God! I am so amped for Saturday.
- Me too.

But first, I have to survive
spending the day with my mom.

She's planning something, so…

Whoopee!

Oh my God. Look who it is.

Avoid eye contact, or she'll think
we want her to sit with us.

Oh my God. That's, like, so embarrassing.

Ooh, gross. She's so disgusting.
Oh God. She's coming over.

Guys, ew, she's coming over.
She's coming over.

♪ …friends to the end
To the end, to the end… ♪

No. Give me a chip!

Maxie, Maxie, Mo-Maxie,
Banana fana fo faxie,

me, my, Mo-Maxie. Maxie.

Beirut partner on Saturday.

- What was our team name again?
- Glitter Magic.

Hmm.

What? Who? What?

- Why are we like this?
- I don't know.

Hey!

You're a natural.
You should join the team, bud.

Things like that give me stomachaches.

Yeah. It's OK to be nervous.

That's what Ginny says.

When I'm nervous,
she takes me on vacation.

Vacation?

In books. We go on vacation in books.

Well, that is a very fun sister you have.

She's the best.

She said that Wellsbury's weird.

I don't wanna go back to school.

Why not?

'Cause everyone thinks I'm weird.

Weird, huh?

- Is that weird?
- Yes.

Hmm? Is this weird?

Yes.

What if I walked like this?

This.

- Is this weird?
- Yes.

Then be weird with me, man.
Show me what you got!

Come on!

Come on. Yeah, there we go.
No, really cut loose.

See? Getting weird's fun, man.

Yeah.

Zach doesn't think so.

I wanna kick this in Zach's face!

Hey, bud.

You know,

I get angry, too, sometimes.

Like…

But then I remember that…

I can't control how other people act,

but I can control how I act.

Does that make sense?

Think you'd feel better if you apologized?

Yeah. Maybe.

Good man.

This weekend is gonna be so relaxing.

It's just gonna be lobster
and lobster rolls

and clam chowder and mussels.

I'm getting that shellfish
is a large part of being in Maine.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Hey.

- Are you, uh...
- Hey, Joe. Oh, sorry.

No, you go.

No, I was just…

You guys ready to order?

I'll take a cinnamon latte.

OK.

- About the other night…
- The other night?

It was nothing.
It was just a drunken nothing.

But we're good, right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're… We're good.

OK, good.

Um, so, can I take your order?

Oh, nothing for us right now. We're good.

Great.

OK.

- So many things.
- Mm-hmm.

- The other night you got drunk with Joe.
- Yup.

- Also, I did want that cinnamon latte.
- Oh crap!

- sh**t.
- Hey, Mommy. Georgia. Hi.

I'm so amped for tomorrow.
Ginny has no idea.

We were all like, "Wait, what?

You're spending the day tomorrow
with your mom? Whatever."

- Good work keeping it a secret.
- She was so cute.

We decorated berry tree with balloons,
and Hunter did this sweet tap dance.

He's such a king.
Their love is so real, you know?

OK. No more coffee for you.

Have you ever been in love?
Like, real love?

Yeah, I have.

I have too.

You call him Dad.

Yeah. How do you know?

When it's, like, Bachelor love,
not Bachelor in Paradise kind of love.

Am I speaking? I know my lips are moving,
but is sound coming out, or…

You think you're getting there
with Sophie?

No! No.

Just… Just how do you know?

It's about this spot right here.

When that spot smells like home to you,

that's when you're in love.

I've only been married for 18 years,
but sure, ask Georgia.

So, the party…

I told Abby and Norah to wear wigs,
but if they don't, it's fine

because I have a box of wigs in my closet.

'Course you do!

I'm excited. It's gonna be cool.
I think Ginny's gonna love it.

We're gonna have karaoke,
pedicures, cake, a movie, sleepovers.

- Sleepover?
- Yeah.

I asked Georgia to make it a sleepover

'cause your dad and I are
in Maine this weekend,

and that way, you won't have to be
in the house all alone.

Hmm. What about Marcus?

He'll be in the house all alone,
but he likes to be alone.

Yeah.

Sleepover!

- It's fun!
- So fun!

- So fun!
- I'm so excited!

Yeah.

Ginny's really gonna love it.

Hey, Marty, it's me.
Listen, I need a favor.

There's a PI sniffing around.

Ex-wife hired him about the will.

I'm worried.

I need you to do for me
what you did in New Orleans.

Come on, Marty, please.

I promise, I will make it worth your while
once this money comes through.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Marty.

OK.

So when's the last time
you and the boys rode down to Houston?

You guys love breakfast for dinner.

I'm not hungry.

Me either.

How was the big birthday in school?
Anybody do anything fun?

Not really.

Really?

Not even Hunter?

Mom! You know I hate it
when you chew loudly!

Austin!

He's nervous for school Monday.

It's his first day back
since the incident.

By incident, you mean
when he violently stabbed another student?

Are you excited for tomorrow?
Big birthday surprise.

You know what? Why, Mom?

Why can't you have
a single real conversation?

You act like nothing happened.
You know what I want for my birthday?

I want you to treat me like an adult.

Because adults have temper tantrums
and then stalk away from the table?

Hello?

Hey.

Dessert has arrived.

Oh my God.

Fine, I'll vote.

Jeez.

How did Ginny's birthday dinner go?

When did I stop being cool?

What? No, you are very cool.

She didn't tell me
about her boyfriend tap dancing for her.

- Her...
- I had to hear from Maxine.

- Oh.
- But, oh, she loves the piano.

The piano?

- My ex…
- The penguin.

…got her a piano.

Wow.

Now he sounds very cool.

Ginny's thriving here.

She has friends.
She never had friends before.

She's got this adorable little boyfriend.

She's happy,

and I want her to be happy. I mean,
that's all I want is for her to be happy.

Am I a terrible mother
if I'm jealous that she's leaving me?

Oh, it sounds so gross saying it out loud.

It just shows that you care.

♪ And I can see my face ♪

Oh, hello.

Howdy, neighbor.

You got a piano?

- I didn't know you played piano.
- Just a little.

- Hmm.
- Uh…

Happy birthday.

You didn't have to get me any… thing.

OK. Yeah. No?

♪ I get my heart broken
But you make me… ♪

- I painted it.
- You painted this?

You paint?

You don't know everything
about me, after all.

♪ Should I let go… ♪

Marcus…

thank you. I love it.

♪ …lose control ♪

♪ Should I let go? ♪

♪ Let go ♪

♪ Would you catch me if I fell… ♪

I have a boyfriend, so…

Yeah, I know.

We're just friends, right?

Yeah. Friends.

And Padma.

I don't care about Padma.

Well, that sucks for Padma
because she obviously really likes you.

- Do you not care when a girl likes you?
- I care when a girl likes me...

OK, well, I think it's inconsiderate
how you treat her.

- I'm sorry I'm not Perfect Hunter.
- Hmm.

- Guess you're not.
- Please, that guy is such a tool.

He has a ponytail
instead of a personality.

- Hey! Hunter has a personality.
- Come on.

Does that guy even know you?

Of course he does. He's my boyfriend,
and we're getting really serious.

We're gonna have sex.

What?

Yeah. Tomorrow night.

Happy birthday.

♪ Let go ♪

♪ And lose control ♪

♪ Lose control… ♪

♪ Should I let go… ♪

Austin!

Austin, hurry up. I have to pee!

Austin!

You excited
for your big sweet 16 surprise today?

Gosh, Mom. I don't know.

I had such a fun first surprise already
when the mayor was naked in my bathroom.

French toast?

Awesome!

Remember when Mom dated Omid,

and he'd throw grapes in the air
and catch them in his mouth?

Remember Louis the fry cook?
How he'd always make us biscuits?

Sorry.

- I liked Louis.
- Me too, but I didn't like Tucker.

Ew! Tucker!

That's enough.

So I hear
your mom has quite the big day planned.

Are you excited?

Not really.

I got it.

What's happening?

Surprise!

Can I come down now?

We're ready!

♪ Sunshine… ♪

Happy birthday!

Welcome to your birthday surprise!

OK. Over here, we have our beauty corner.

Over here,
we have our karaoke dress-up corner.

Then over here,
you can make your own clothes.

I got plain T-shirts, socks, underwear,
fabric paint, decorations, a bedazzler.

Isn't it fabulous?

Wonder who that could be?

You guys knew about this,
and you didn't warn me?

Girls, this is Brenda and Beth.
They work at my favorite salon,

and they're here to give you pedicures.
Anything you want.

Cool.

What? I want skulls.

Come on, ladies.

I'm gonna use the bedazzler!

Birthday, birthday, birthday!

- How much longer is this supposed to last?
- That's the problem.

Your mom wants this to be a slumber party.

What? No! I wanna go to your house.

- Def.
- Same!

Abby?

♪ …make you feel like… ♪

Abby!

Oh, I don't know. I mean, this was…
This was kinda really nice.

Yeah, your mom put in, like,
a lot of effort for us. It's sweet.

Are you going soft on us, Abigail?

No, no, no. Like, obviously,
I want to go and get wasted.

Whoo-whoo!

- You know?
- Don't be fooled by Georgia.

OK? She just wants to act
like everything's normal,

and pretend she wasn't pointing a g*n
at my head the other night.

Wait, what? Your mom has a g*n?

Yeah, at least two that I know of.

Like, two in this house?

Right? I mean,
who does she think she is? k*ll Bill?

I mean, she might be k*ll Bill.

She's trying
to be cool and show off,

but she doesn't care what I want,
so I don't care what she wants.

I have a plan.

Thank God
'cause I got a bikini wax for tonight.

- Wait, you did?
- Oh yeah.

I'm all bald down there.
Like a naked mole rat.

My mom and I get them
before we go on vacation,

and they hurt
like the deep, dark depths of hell.

It hurt like a mother. The waxing woman
was this German lady named Helga.

She asked if I wanted
the whole thing, butthole too.

I was like, "I don't know.
Do I need to wax my butthole?"

Then Helga made me bend over
and was like, "You need it."

And, guys, that was
a very low moment for me.

But now I'm ready for Sophie.

Well, get ready for Operation Get Weird.

Thanks, girls.

For yesterday at town hall.

Time for karaoke.

Hey, Mom?

I have to admit, this is pretty cool.

I knew you'd like it.

- Know what would push it over the edge?
- Hm?

A champagne toast.

I'm sorry.
Is this your 16th birthday or your 21st?

Come on! It's not like we're driving.

- Oh, please?
- I'm not even on medication or anything.

- No.
- A birthday toast?

It would be really cool.

Come on. Don't mom right now.

We're having fun.

OK, one birthday toast.

Yes!

I can grab those.

Thanks.

- Lock it up.
- OK.

♪ Grrrl ♪

♪ Don't you mind what they say ♪

♪ They'll keep going anyway ♪

♪ Oh, grrrl, just your town ♪

♪ We're running around ♪

♪ You'll be gone today ♪

♪ But I ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ I ♪

OK.

For you. Here you go, girls.

Thank you!

- To Ginny!
- To Ginny!

Happy birthday!

♪ It's been said and done ♪

♪ Every beautiful thought's
Been already sung ♪

♪ And I guess right now
Here's another one ♪

♪ So your melody will play… ♪

What's up! Hi!

Sorry to interrupt, but we heard
there was a birthday going on.

We're just on our way back from
Drag Brunch at Jacko's Cabaret in Boston.

So, fair warning, I'm a walking mimosa,

but Avril Vagine simply had to stop by

and make things a little… "Complicated"
for the birthday girl.

Are we doing karaoke?

Because, step aside,
Little Orphan Annie, it's my turn.

Ooh!

Keep singing.

♪ I, I love you ♪

♪ Like a love song, baby ♪

♪ I, I love you like a love song... ♪

♪ He was a boy ♪

♪ She was a girl ♪

♪ Can I make it anymore obvious? ♪

♪ He was a punk ♪

♪ She did ballet… ♪

Beautiful home you have here, Georgia.

- Thanks so much.
- Yeah.

You and Nick?

It's getting serious?

- It's going. I'm happy. How about you?
- Hmm.

Oh, I heard you were recently widowed.
I'm so sorry about that.

Oh, that's OK.

Thanks, Gabriel.

It's, uh… It's Jesse.

- Jesse.
- Mm-hmm.

Right.

Pardon me.

Yo.

Hello, sir.
This is the manager of Yoga Bo Boga.

Uh, yeah, look,
I appreciate you calling me back.

Now is not a great time.

I still can't believe he's dead.

You'd think the tests would've shown
some signs of heart problems.

Tests?

Kenny had just undergone
an intensive evaluation.

It's part of our premium package.
We test hair follicles, blood work, EKG.

Kenny's results were insane.
It's just crazy how these things happen.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Hey, look,
would you e-mail me those results?

All right. Thank you.

Yeah!

Oh! Oh! Yeah!

Clue has everything. m*rder. Intrigue.
Tim Curry. Communism.

Trust me on this one.
You're in for a treat.

"I hated her so much!

Flames! Flames on the side of my face."

You'll see. All right.

'Night, ladies!

Good night!

♪ Grab your nail polish… ♪

♪ Check the mirror, mirror
Smack that kiss, quick ♪

♪ Keep it mellow
Don't you monkey with the organ ♪

♪ Mind the stereo
Dancing in the storeroom… ♪

I think
there's something wrong with me!

- Better?
- They look…

♪ …put your crown on ♪

♪ Waking up to some of that sunshine ♪

♪ Live a little more of that good life ♪

♪ Give a little back
To them girls and boys ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, daylight ♪

♪ Loosen up your body, it feels nice… ♪

♪ Waking up to some of that… ♪

I don't know, you guys.
This was actually really sweet.

Jeez, when I turned 16,
my mom just gave me a hundred bucks.

Yeah, but your bat mitzvah
was, like, literally insane.

You're Jewish?

Yeah.

Me too.

- Seriously?
- Baruch atah adonai, bitch.

I'm not, but I've been to, like,
17 bat mitzvahs, so I feel like I am.

Max! What is that?

- Dude, what? Too much?
- Oh my…

Hi, Sophie!

- I see you!
- All right, go!

Oh my God. Here we go.
We're about to lose our virginities!

Oh my God. Are you nervous?
I'm a little bit nervous. No, I'm not.

A little.

- I'm just glad we're doing this together.
- Yeah.

Come on.

Guys! Come on!

♪ Waking up to some of that sunshine… ♪

This is, like, so secret agent of us.

It's like the fat man has landed
and the eagle flies again.

♪ …your hand clap, tap, tap, slap
Make your hand clap ♪

Let's play some Beirut!

- Come on, ladies.
- All right. Get it. Get lucky!

Ace it up!

- Oh!
- Whoo!

♪ Balls on the floor, looking like a fool
With your balls on the floor! ♪

I can't believe
I was in a house with a g*n.

Yeah, that's messed up.

- Doesn't Ginny have a kid brother?
- Yeah!

I don't know,
I feel really weird around them.

- Do you think I'm being dramatic?
- No! They're scary.

I don't like them.

But… shake it off.

Let's get you a drink, yeah?

All right.

Oh, I love it!

Yeah.

- Ginny B!
- Let's go!

Ginny!

Oh!

Whoa!

Yeah! What's up?

Oh my God!

- Oh my God!
- Ginny!

Birthday girl looking fire
with that new hair!

- Mm. Thank you!
- I like it way better this way.

If only you had an ass, you'd be perfect.
It's weird that you don't, but…

Excuse me?

Dude, just…

Christ, man.

- What?
- Dang it.

So annoying. Hey!

- Where'd my partner go?
- I'm right here.

Let's do it!

I'm so sorry about Brodie.

I know he's my friend and all, but…

Honestly, I don't even think
he knows I'm Taiwanese.

Like, I'm just all of Asia to that guy.

I'm Thailand, Japan…

Yeah. No, I'm white, I'm black.

It depends on who you ask
and what song is playing.

Yeah. No, I'm not Taiwanese
to Asian folks. No.

Then I'm white.

I love it when they piece it all together

and get really gross and excited like,
"What are you?"

What are you?

I have no frickin' clue.

I know what you are.

Hmm?

You're beautiful.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

Sorry, that was sweet. Um, yeah.
No, do it again. I'll be better this time.

You're beautiful.

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

♪ I hope you fall ♪

♪ I hope you fall ♪

♪ I hope you fall ♪

♪ I hope you fall ♪

♪ I hope you fall madly in love ♪

♪ Madly in love… ♪

I'm on the pill.

♪ I hope you fall… ♪

OK.

♪ …hope you fall ♪

♪ I hope you fall ♪

♪ Madly in love ♪

♪ What in the world
Could change your mind… ♪

Why… Why'd you stop?

I… You…
You have my full consent to proceed.

You have my full, enthusiastic consent.

Tonight's your birthday.

It should be all about you.

♪ Baby, it's love that makes us lead in
I promise you… ♪

♪ …will see ♪

♪ Life is better with you all in it ♪

♪ Life is better with you all in it ♪

♪ I hope you fall ♪

♪ I hope you fall ♪

♪ I hope you fall… ♪

What's that?

Oh, it's just a birthmark.

♪ …madly in love… ♪

Sorry, I'm… I'm all gross and not waxed.

You're so beautiful.

Just relax. Tell me if you like this.

♪ Light is a way to realign ♪

♪ Dark is a place to redefine… ♪

♪ Gotta keep moving past all lies
Don't waste no time… ♪

Did you lock my door?
I didn't lock my door.

- I…
- I'm gonna check that it's locked.

Forgot my door doesn't lock, so…

Hoo!

Music.

- We need music.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, I love this song.
- Right?

It's so good.

♪ I ain't got no time, no… ♪

♪ 'Cause when this day is done ♪

♪ I still got sh*t to run… ♪

- Candles.
- What…

I bought candles for ambiance.

♪ 'Cause you're so beautiful ♪

♪ I'd rather drink you up… ♪

Hey.

♪ Honey, on your knees
When you look at me… ♪

We can just chill.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

OK, I mean, like, in my mind,
I am so ready mentally.

And physically, I'm ready.
I just got a bikini wax.

I'm a naked mole rat down there,
but I'm freaking out.

- I'm freaking out. I'm so sorry.
- OK. Don't be.

I'm… I'm not going anywhere.

Really?

Yeah.

- OK.
- Yeah.

♪ 'Cause I could lose it all… ♪

♪ Can't watch it fade to black ♪

♪ Can't let it end like that ♪

♪ 'Cause I got power over ♪

♪ Won't let it all fall down… ♪

Did you make a sex playlist?

Yeah.

I definitely did.

It's got, like, 86 songs on it.

- I don't know why.
- Oh my. How long do you think…

I don't know!

Damn, you are phenomenal at this.

Yeah, well, your baby only turns 16 once.
You wanna remember it.

I don't have
the fondest memories of this age.

Hmm.

- So, Jesse…
- Mmm.

You guys seem happy.

I know. He's better than Klonopin.

It's just…

You don't know him that well, right?

Be careful.

Make sure he's in it
for the right reasons.

- You think I'm ugly?
- What?

I know he's insanely hot,
but are you saying he's out of my league?

I'm just saying, don't fall too fast.

Look alive, girls. I've got 1,000
kinds of sprinkles, including penises,

that I'm pretty sure
are for bachelorette parties.

That's why you k*lled him too!

Those ungrateful little shits!

Paul texted. He's on the way
with marshmallows. Where are they?

So much, it… it…

It flame… flames.

- Flames on the side of my face.
- Oh-oh.

What is this?

"We need to make sure
we get the hard sh*t and not just beer."

Oh my God. Maxine is having a party.

Oh my goodness.

So many emojis.

Girls, use discretion.

Oh.

Water one's never a good sign.

Boy emoji, hot dog,

arrow pointing into doughnut,
camel, water.

These are all the sex ones.
Go, Ginny. Who knew?

Bad Ginny. Think about your choices.

Marshmallows have arrived.

We're not doing sundaes?

Hello,
I'd like to report a noise violation.

There is a loud party on my street.

45 Bradley Street.

Savage.

Australian flag. I don't...

Down under?

Oh my God.

So?

- We didn't do it.
- Neither did we.

- We did!
- Hunter went down on me.

Aww!

- That's really sweet.
- I love that.

Hey, Marcus.

Happy birthday.

Hey! It's my birthday!

Everybody, let's drink!

Yes, I mean,
I learned my lesson on Halloween,

so I'm not gonna drink,
but I support you in all you do.

Happy birthday, Ginny!

Happy birthday, Ginny!

Yeah!

Whoo!

- Cheers!
- Ginny!

Hey, everybody…

everybody…

I love you guys, OK?

You're… you're so amazing.
Come here. Come here.

All right.

OK.

Oh, she wants a…

I'm fine! I'm fine.

I just wanted to say that before this,
I never really had friends before.

And you guys,

Max and Norah

and Abby,

you're my family.

And Hunter…

Hunter, you're so kind and smart and sexy,

and you can do mad tricks
with your tongue.

- Oh!
- OK. OK.

Yeah. Come on!

That's enough of that. Careful.

You OK?

Oh, OK.

- Cops.
- Run! Run!

- Oh God!
- Run now! Run!

- It's your house.
- They don't know that. Come on.

So I know how this looks.

They're taking the kids in cop cars
down to the station.

OK, I see Ginny.

Come on. Let's go.

Georgia, did you hear
what I was saying to you?

Your daughter is being put
into a police car.

Are we going to go get her, or…

Nope.

OK, what's the plan?

Plan?

Look, Georgia, I know you're mad,
but we can't just leave her.

I'm wiped.

I'm goin' to bed.

You have to do something.

They… they can't just take her away.

You're 17, and you were caught
running an underground gambling ring.

They've got you on that
and money laundering.

I'll do anything.

Anything.

You need to prove that you can provide her
a safe and stable environment.

Live under the roof of an adult,
preferably a parent.

You'll need a job and a steady income.

All obtained legally.

Please, I can do all that. I promise.

Worst case,
you do a few months in juvie.

In the meantime,
Ginny will be placed in foster care.

Please help me.

I can't lose my daughter.

The state will revisit this
in a couple months.

Wait!

I'm engaged.

I'm getting married.

He owns property, a hotel.

You didn't mention that.
That might expedite things.

Finally.

How you feelin', kid?

So, what,
my mom didn't wanna come and get me?

She did not.

Are you gonna lecture me now?

Tell me how I should behave?

No. That's not my place.

And to be honest with you,
I am not even sure

I should be here right now, but…

you're a good kid.

I'm drunk and in jail.

You're a good kid,
and you are a great sister.

What do you mean?

I see it.

The way he looks up to you.
The way you take care of him. I see that.

Look, I love your mom,
but I know this isn't always easy on you.

I've been there. I get it.

But Austin,

he is so lucky to have you.

Hm.

You love my mom?

Yeah, I do…

but I haven't told her yet.

So if you could keep that to yourself,
I would appreciate it.

Come on. Let's get you home.

Hey, Paul…

I've never seen my mom this happy.

Come on.

- Easy there.
- Mm-hmm.

You gonna make it?

So, this is the thanks I get?

Hi, Mom.

You're drunk.

I am sober…

like a judge.

Listen here, you little lunatic.

I am responsible for your friends
when they're under my roof.

You can't sneak out, lie to me,
and not tell me where you're going.

OK. OK, you are like… You are like
the grand poobah of lies, OK?

You're like… You're like a lie pro.

You ever think that maybe

my secrets are to protect you?

To keep you happy and safe?

You wanna know everything, peach?
You think you need to know everything?

Here it is, darling.

I was abused by my stepdad
my whole childhood.

He molested me most nights
with my mom asleep in the next room.

That's why I ran away when I was 14.
I've been homeless.

I've been in jail. I…

Happy?

That's the big secret.

You were abused?

Surprise!

Mom, I…

Mom, I don't feel so good.

Toilet, stat.

I… Before this,
I never really had friends…

…before. But you guys…

How you feeling, champ?

Doughnuts soak up alcohol.

Hashtag science.

Thanks.

Aww. Come here.

I'm sorry I snuck out.

Mm.

And I'm sorry about the thing you said.

The abuse thing.

Is that why you're so strong?

Because I was abused as a kid?

No, I'm not a Game of Thrones character.

I would have been way stronger

if I didn't have to spend so much energy
dealing with that sh*t.

I'd be the freaking president.

Are you OK now?

Depends on the day.

It never really leaves you,

but, yeah, I'm OK now.

Thinking about it…

makes my insides cringe.

But, hey, some memories are good,
and some suck balls.

Here.

Look at Dad!

And you.

You're babies.

You're growing up,
and I gotta start acting like it.

And I will prove to you
how mature I am

as soon as my head stops pounding out
the song of that scary dancing baby

that gave me nightmares as a kid.

From the show you liked
with the slutty lawyers?

Ooga chucka...

OK, I will pay you any amount of money
to stop doing that.

Here.

Mm.

♪ Got a deal ♪

♪ Sign it real quick… ♪

Hunter went down on me.

OK.

OK, we're doing this.

Oh, do you not want to?
I just thought... I mean, you told me…

No, no, no. Just give Mommy a moment.

So…

Hunter went down on you.

Fun!

Then I got drunk
and professed my undying love,

and Abby posted it on Snapchat.

OK, you tell her to take it down,

or I'll post this.

♪ …been already sung… ♪

Oh, diabolical, yes.

♪ Got a deal… ♪

You feel like an adult now?

♪ Sign it real quick… ♪

Yeah.

I do. It's weird.

We're dead broke.

- What?
- Dead frickin' broke.

Kenny's ex-wife contested the will.
We haven't gotten any of the money.

Welcome to adulthood.

It sucks.

♪ I'll write a little lick… ♪

Georgia always pushes us
to be strong,

always sees vulnerability as a weakness,

but now I get it.

She was just protecting us,

protecting herself.

Mom, please, I don't want to.

Hey!

You get back in there,
and you stand your ground, OK?

Tell that little sh*t
he can't push you around.

Yeah?

OK.

Zach, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have stabbed you.

Zach, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have stabbed you.

Zach, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have stabbed you.

Zach…

Ugh! Gross!

Trust no one.

Sting first.

But I don't wanna
go through life like that,

on the offensive,
always fighting, always running.

I love my mom,

but I don't wanna be her.

I miss my dad.

I wish he was here.