04x03 - The Key to the Crime

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mama's Family". Aired: January 22, 1983 – February 24, 1990.*
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Spin-off series revolves around the wacky misadventures of the Harper family, extended non-Harper family members and their neighbor friend in later seasons.
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04x03 - The Key to the Crime

Post by bunniefuu »

Well, don't just
wipe that off, Naomi.

I want this silver polished
so you can see yourself in it.

What's the big deal, Ms.
Harper? We never use this stuff.

We most certainly do too.

I had it out at your
Aunt Fran's funeral...

or was that your weddin'?

I know it was some
tragic occasion.

Well, mama...

you don't have to worry
about that burglar anymore.

Not with this new lock.

- Oh, is it done, honey?
- It is strong, huh?

This rash of break-ins

has got me scared outta my wits.

Never fear.

That lock is a Pearlman 1050

double deadbolt
with a 3-inch throw.

Oh!

Okay, hold it right
there, everybody.

My new camera's all loaded.

I want to get a sh*t of y'all
gathered around the new lock.

Well, great.
Everybody say "keys".

Yes, sir, boy, nobody

but nobody can get
through this door.

Knock, knock.

Of course you
have to lock it first.

Thelma, the Courteous
Crook has struck again

this time in Ray Heights.

What? How do they know
it's the Courteous Crook?

It's the same MO.

His name is Moe?

No. Modus operandi, the
way he commits a crime.

Don't you watch
"Cagney & Lacey?"

It says right here there
was no sign of forced entry.

He robbed everything

and then cleaned
up after himself.

He even mopped the floor?

Oh, did he leave that
same courteous message?

Yeah. "'Thanks a heap'
was written on the wall."

Thanks a heap.

I tell yeah, robs you blind
and then sweet-talks you

He ought to go into politics.

Well, it's gettin' late.
I got to get to work.

After this new break-in
Kwik-Keys is gonna be swamped

with people wantin' locks.

Don't forget it's catfish night
over at the Bigger Jigger.

We're gonna meet there at 6:00.

Well, okay, if I can
get away, Mama.

We're in the middle of
a crime wave, you know.

Well, Vinton, crime
is always with us.

All-you-can-eat catfish
only comes once a month!

There you go, and
thank you. Next.

Vint, can I get one
each of these keys?

Sure thing. Let me pull your
key club card for the discount.

Aw jeez. Would you hurry it up?

Now, the line isn't that long.

Well, good Lord. This is the
longest line I've ever seen!

What are you sellin' here,
Vinton, keys or hot cakes?

Mama, what are you doin' here?

Well, bozo, that
fancy lock you put in

only came with one damn key.

I gotta have three
more of these.

Hey, lady, wait in line
like everybody else.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Get in the back.

You'll have to go to
the end of the line.

I don't believe
what I'm hearin'.

Did I ask you to wait when
you were ready to be born?

When you wanted
to be fed or diapered

when you needed a
roof over your head?

You've always
been first in my life

and I've always
been last in yours.

I guess, some things
just never change.

Oh, well, what
do you say, folks,

can she please go first?

No!

- End of the line, Mama.
- She can go ahead of me.

Well, thank you.

Now, here's a young man
to make a mother proud.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Hobart.

- How many do you want?
- Make me three of them.

- Three? Why not a dozen?
- This will only take a minute.

Oh, no you don't. Don't you
let this loudmouth rush you.

You take your
time and do it right.

This is gonna be $5, Mama.

Five bucks?

I wanna join your key
club and get a discount.

Not now! You got to fill out
that whole card, both sides.

Well, I'm in no hurry.

Oh, great!

Would you care to use my pen?

Thank you again.

Don't mention it.
I'm a member, too.

They don't give you much
room to write your address.

Why don't you print?

She could carve it in stone
for all the time she's takin'!

- There is no need to be rude.
- You shut up, pipsqueak.

Our houses could be robbed
while we're waitin' on this old bag!

Yeah? And who'd want anything
you've got, blubber breath?

Here's your keys, Mama.
So long. You can pay me later.

You hear what this
lard bucket called me?

No, but you can tell me
tonight at the Bigger Jigger.

- Take your keys and go.
- Alright. I'm goin', I'm goin'!

But you better watch your step

'cause my son is
gonna whoop your butt.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, one thing
about eatin' catfish

an hour later
and you're still full.

I'm sorry I kept you
guys waitin' at the Jigger.

Oh, Vinton, it wasn't your fault

some jerk locked his
keys in his car on Route 5.

Yeah, you poor baby.

You drove all that way and when
you got there, they were gone.

The life of a locksmith.

Fine, Mr. Locksmith,
you wanna show me

how to get into my new deadbolt?

Okay, Mama.

Now, sometimes
these Pearlman 1050s

take some gettin' used to

but... they really do the job.

"Thanks a heap!"

You're welcome, Mama.

Not you, you lamebrain,
the Courteous Crook!

We've been hit!

Well, there's nothin'
missin' upstairs.

I just cannot believe
the Courteous Crook

actually came into
my neighborhood.

He came into my
livin' room, Iola.

My showplace and took
things that belonged to me.

My mother's
beautiful sterling silver

which she entrusted to me

and her mother
entrusted to her, gone!

I want this sicko locked up!

I want him to fry in the chair.

Darn it, I called that
station a half-hour ago.

Where are the police?

Honey, you should've
called The Donut Hut.

That's right, where are the cops

when our homes
are bein' violated?

They're out sippin' coffee
and wolfin' down crullers!

Just try and relax.

Why don't you go splash
some cool water on your face?

This stuff won't come off.

If that crook is so courteous

why doesn't he use
water-based paint?

He's been in there!

He's actually been
in my bathroom!

- Did he take somethin' else?
- No, he cleaned up!

He scrubbed out the bowl
and polished the faucets.

He put on a clean
roll of toilet paper

in the right direction,
too. From the bottom out.

I thought it was supposed
to roll over the top.

What the hell
difference does it make?

I ain't never gonna be
able to sit in there again!

Oh, this must be the police.

Yeah, yeah, boy, the place
will be swarmin' with them now.

Oh, yippee. Maybe they
sent out the SWAT team.

Iola, you better put on a
big pot of strong coffee.

I'll bet they're plannin'
an all-night stakeout.

I'll get it.

Come on in. I'm Thelma Harper.

Oh, we were
prepared for swarmin'.

- Where's the rest of you?
- I work alone.

I'm Officer Sneed.

Do your parents know
you're out this late?

Believe me, ma'am,

I am well-versed
in police procedure.

I'll need a rundown
of all the items missin'.

All of my silver, big,
heavy, good sterling silver

handed down by generations.

Old silver.

What else?

My husband's toolbox was stolen.

Yeah, and that thing
was just chock-full

of valuable hardware too,
my ratchets, my cat's-paw

my screwdrivers,
Phillips and slot,

my speed square, my plumb bob...

Got it. Used tool box.

Next?

My camera. A
brand-new Polar-A 500.

Cheap camera.

That's it?

Nothin' of real value?

Gee, I'm surprised
he even thanked you.

Now, listen here,
little boy blue

this may seem like
small potatoes to you,

but I want every one
of these potatoes back

or I'm gonna have your badge.

Never fear, Ms. Harper.

I've been after this
crook for six weeks.

I know him inside and out.

Coffee's nearly ready.

You better make it Ovaltine.

We don't want to
stunt his growth.

Yeah, I figure this
guy's a break-in artist.

He sure knows
how to jimmy a lock.

Nope, you're wrong there.

This baby is
tamper-proof, double-dead.

He'd have to have a key.

Duplicate key.

Are you sure about that?

Officer Sneed, Vinton Harper
is an expert professional.

Uncle Vint knows everything
there is to know about locks.

Well, maybe not everything.

Oh, angel, don't be so modest.

Vinton is the head honcho
over to Kwik-Keys on the mall.

Kwik-Keys. Really?

Mr. Harper, would you mind

comin' down to
the station with me?

I think my sergeant
would be interested

in hearin' your theories
about the Courteous Crook.

Really?

Well, you bet I will.

Just a minute here.

What kind of Mickey Mouse police

needs Goofy's help?

I'll wait for you in the car.

Ooh, baby.

Imagine, my man a
criminal consultant.

Yeah.

You don't have to worry about
that Courteous Crook anymore.

Vinton Harper is on the case.

We're doomed.

You were right, Ms. Boylen.

This special mix of
yours took it right off.

What's in that stuff, Iola?

It's a mixture of lemon
juice, salt, and Clorox.

I had a recipe just like
that for margarita mix.

Hello.

Well, good Lord, Vinton

what in the world
is keepin' you?

You what?

Well, that's the craziest
thing I've ever heard.

- What is it, Ms. Harper?
- Vinton's been arrested.

They think he's the
Courteous Crook.

Well, now, Vinton,
don't you worry.

I'm gonna send Naomi
and Bubba to make your bail.

Vinton, you do me a
favor you tell Officer Sneed

he ain't gonna
live to see puberty.

How could they
think that my baby

is the Courteous Crook?

Well, it seems that they
found a duplicate key

that the burglar used
to break into that house

in Ray Heights last night.

So, Uncle Vinton was right.

That crook did have
an extra key made.

Yeah, and it was
made at Kwik-Keys.

- Oh, no.
- That doesn't mean it was Vint.

Besides, his own
house was robbed.

Sneed thinks Vinton did that
to throw the police off the track.

But Vinton was at
the Jigger with us!

He couldn't have done it.

He could, he was an hour
late for dinner, remember?

Whose side are you on?

Locksmith locked up.

Oh, the media will crucify him
before this ever comes to trial.

Oh, my poor baby.

Come along, Bubba,
we've got to save him!

Well, now, hold on a minute.

He's gonna need some bail money.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you, Ms. Harper!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute, I got
your new front-door keys

while we're at it. There
you go. There you go.

Okay. Don't worry about a thing.

- We'll be back with Vint soon.
- Just come along, Bubba.

Don't you dare
exceed the speed limit.

This is odd.

I know I had Vinton make
me up three extra keys

and mine's not in here anywhere.

Are you sure?

I'm tellin' you,
it's gone, Iola.

It's been stolen!

Oh, Thelma, who'd want your key?

The same person who
broke into my house.

The Courteous Crook.

Thelma, think, when was
the last time you had it?

It would have to have been
this afternoon over at Kwik-Keys.

It was real crowded
and tempers were flarin'

flarin', flarin', flarin'.

Okay, you dodderin'
old hag, hurry it up!

If I'd had known you
were in such a hurry

I would've let you go first.

Well, quit your babblin'
and fill out the card.

Certainly. Certainly
as fast as I can.

Dear lady, could I offer
you the use of my pen?

Butt out, pipsqueak.

Now, watch your language.

Have you no respect
for your elders?

Sir, you are too kind.

Thelma, stop.

What does this have
to do with your keys?

I'm settin' the
scene. Do you mind?

The keys are comin' right up.

Here's your keys, Mama.

Okay, granny, b*at it.

Take your lousy keys and go.

That's it!

That must be when
he took my key.

Oh, I should've
pegged that big oaf

as the Courteous Crook

the minute he
opened his fat mouth.

Now, wait just a minute, Thelma.

That ruffian doesn't
seem like the type

to replace toilet
paper correctly.

In fact, he doesn't
seem courteous at all.

You're right.

The courteous one was
that little beady-eyed sucker

that lent me his pen.

I was suspicious of
that little pipsqueak

the minute he gave
me his place in line.

Yeah, it's all startin' to
come back to me now

now, now, now.

They sure don't give
you very much room

to write your address here.

Address, you say?

Why not use my pen?

It's a fine line.

If you insist.

Say, mister, stop crowdin'
this nice lady so she can write.

Oh, sir, you are too kind.

If only he were kind enough
to mind his own business.

Okay, Mama, here's your keys.

Oh, good work, Vinton.

Remember dinner at
the Jigger tonight at 6:00.

The Bigger Jigger at 6:00?
Well, then you'd better run along.

Wait a minute, lady. Take
your keys before you go.

Oh, thank you for remindin' me.

That's it. He's the
one that took my keys.

If only I could
remember his name.

Hobart!

Bart. Bart, Bart.

Hobart!

It just came to me!

His name was Hobart!

Come on, Iola, we gotta get down

to the police station
and clear Vinton.

What do we tell them?
What's his address?

Is Hobart his first
name or his last?

I don't know. They didn't say.

We could find out at Kwik-Keys.

He's a member of the
key club. It'll be on his card.

Oh, they're open late. If
we hurry, we can make it.

I feel just like
Cagney and Lacey.

Well, come on,
Marybeth, let's go!

I don't wanna be Lacey.
I wanna be Cagney.

Well, who doesn't?

Come on, I'll flip you.

Oh, sh**t! They're closed.

I knew I should
have driven faster.

Faster? You nearly
gave me a heart att*ck.

Who knew my little Pinto
could pop a wheelie?

Let's go around and see if
the back door is unlocked.

Thelma, look the window's ajar.

Ooh. Well, count on a
locksmith to leave a window open.

Go ahead, Iola, climb in there.

Why me?

You wanted to be Cagney.
She always goes first.

Lacey always stands
outside and says

"Hurry up, Christine, I
gotta get home to Harv."

Alright, let, let
me see here, I...

What is the ladylike way
to break into a building?

Iola, go through
the damn window!

I can't get up
this high, Thelma.

Alright, I'm gonna
give you a boost here.

Just a little
higher. A little bit...

Here we go.

That's it. Turn me
around. Turn around.

There we go.

Oh! I'm an old woman,
Iola. I can't bend this way.

Oh!

No wonder Cagney
always wears pants.

Come on. Get over there and
unlock that door and let me in.

Thelma!

We gotta find Hobart's card

and get it down to the police.

Lookin' for something, ladies?

Yeah, we were lookin'
for the Pizza Hut.

Well, Thelma, I
don't believe this is it.

- Shall we go?
- Yeah, let's go.

Now, hold it right there.
Now get your hands up.

Now, get on over
here, if you please.

You're just too clever for
your own good, old lady.

It's been a lifelong curse.

When I heard your
son had been arrested

I figured it
wouldn't be too long

before somebody came
by to check out these cards.

What was it that tipped you off?

My valet parkin' jacket?

- Your what?
- The jacket!

It must've been obvious I
was makin' duplicate keys

from cars I parked and
checkin' the car registration

to get the address.

Well, Thelma, how clever of you.

I don't know what the
hell he's talkin' about.

The hard part was findin'
a locksmith dumb enough

to make up them keys.

That part I understand.

There's just one
piece of the puzzle

I still can't figure out though.

Yeah? What's that?

How in the world did you
get my bathroom so clean?

Even the grout was sparklin'.

Well, thank you for noticin'.

The secret is usin' a
hard-bristle toothbrush.

If you hold it at just about
the right angle and scrub...

Get his g*n, Iola!

Okay, you deadbolt, spread 'em!

Thelma, he can't do
that. He's out cold.

I know, but I always
wanted to say that.

Grandma, you are a hero.

Oh, well, I couldn't have
done it without Christine.

Oh, well, thank you, Marybeth.

Yeah, because of you
two, I am a free man

and the Courteous
Crook is behind bars.

Yeah, Ms. Harper, you
should become a private eye.

Oh, Naomi, I don't know.

Workin' day and night,
keepin' tabs on slimeballs,

watchin' their every
move, bein' face to face

with the sleazy
underbelly of life.

Hell, I already
got that at home.
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