04x10 - Gift Horse

[bunniefuu]

Oh, yeah! Go! Go! Go!

Ha ha ha! He did it!

He's safe! We're all tied up.

Oh, I love a man
who slides in the dirt.

Don't tell me this
dumb game is still on.

It's time for my
miniseries on Channel 3.

- Ms. Harper!
- No, Mama!

Don't touch that dial.

They're all tied up,
bottom of the ninth.

They could go
into extra innings.

Well, you've already
seen nine innings.

Wasn't that boring enough?

I wanna watch
"My Sister, Myself."

Stefanie Powers plays twins.

One is a nun and the other
one is an axe m*rder*r.

Lord, that girl can act.

Ms. Harper, now you promised
that we could watch our game.

Well, I didn't know it was
gonna run into Stefanie.

And tonight's the
last installment.

The nun sister has been
arrested for the crime.

While the bad sister is
raisin' hell with Barry Bostwick.

I'm sorry, Mama, but
if we had that VCR

you could be tapin' your program
while we watched our game.

I don't wanna hear another
word about that damn VCR.

All I need in this
house is somethin' else

that costs too much
and does too little.

Ms. Harper! Ooh, look, baby!

- Mudpuppy Myers is up to bat.
- Yeah. Ha ha.

Come on, Mudpuppy!
Knock it out of the park.

Get out of the way, grandma!
You're blockin' the bullpen.

Well, excuse me!

Far be it for me to interrupt
anybody's ballgame!

Why don't I go outside and
stand on the porch in the dark?

Fine, Mama, whatever you say.

Have a nice time.

Well, I like this, my
own damn house

and I'm treated
like the visitin' team.

Ungrateful brats.

First they take away
the best years of my life

and now they've taken
away my Stefanie Powers.

Oh, glory be! The
Whittakers have it on.

Yep, there's a
nun in a courtroom.

Lord, why don't they invest in
one of them big-screen TVs?

- Knock, knock!
- Oh! Well, Iola!

Lord, don't ever sneak up
on me when I'm watching TV!

Sorry.

How come you're not at home
watching "My Sister, Myself?"

I wanted to but
Mother's engrossed in

"Life Of The Locust" on PBS.

I swear, that woman will
watch anything with six legs.

Yeah, that's so true.

She just loves
"Three's Company."

I just popped over to thank you

for taking care of
my goldfish, Herman

while mother and I go to that
weddin' in Hinckley tomorrow.

So, as a token of
our appreciation, I...

Made me a gift.

Oh...

My, my, my.

What have we here?

It's a festive Kleenex caddy.

Those tissue people say
their boxes are decorative

but they're not.

Well, it is just lovely, Iola.

I'll tell you what, I'll tuck it
away for special occasions.

Oh, no, don't let
its beauty blind you.

It's for every day.
Enjoy it in good health.

Or when you have a drippy
nose or a hackin' cough.

Or when you get
somethin' so ugly

it makes you wanna cry.

Heads up, everybody.

Another Iola Lucille
Boylen original

comin' in for a landin'.

Oh, no!

This matches the
toilet paper fairy

she gave me last week.

Boy, that is some ugly.

Mama, what did you say to her?

Well, I lied and told
her it was lovely.

Why didn't you just
tell her the truth?

The same reason I don't
switch the TV to my program

because I am considerate
of other people.

Get the hell out of my chair!

Well, you wouldn't have to be
considerate if we had that VCR.

Oh, wake up and
smell the coffee, Vinton.

Them machines
cost an arm and a leg.

Well, not at Crazy
Ray's, they don't.

They just had a
commercial for 'em.

Yeah, Crazy Ray's head
exploded and out came a VCR.

And it was only $179.95.
That's 50 percent off.

Well, that's $179 and 95 cents
more than we have to spend.

Well, there's just
got to be some way

we can get that money.

I know!

We could have that garage sale

you're always talkin' about.

Yeah. This house is
just full of worthless junk.

And most of it's
been made by Iola.

sh**t, if we have this sale
tomorrow while she's outta town

I could unload a lifetime
of her knickknacks.

We could make enough
money to buy us that VCR.

Don't just sit there! We
got us a sale to organize!

Bubba, you go
clean out the attic.

Vinton, you take the garage.
Naomi, you do the basement.

I'm gonna take this hall closet.

Just as soon as I see
what's happenin' to Stefanie.

Now, this is very versatile.

You can wear it to a
business lunch, or a hayride.

Okay. Yeah.

See, all it needs is a
new cord and a new motor

and it'll be just like new.

Well, two out of three
wise men isn't bad.

This entire table is covered
with Iola-of-Raytown originals.

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, now, looky here...

A coat-hanger birdcage.
It's only 35 cents.

sh**t, it's worth that
in coat hangers alone.

- Uh, not for me.
- Wha...

A discriminatin'
customer. I like that.

But now, who can't
use a Kleenex caddy?

And look at this detail work.

I told you, I am not interested.

Well, then why the hell
do you keep comin' back?

Hi.

Do you live around here?

Sure do.

How much for this scarf?

Well, you can
have it for nothin'.

Gee, thanks.

It sure would look
good with this belt.

Then it's yours, on the house.

And I just love
this rabbit jacket.

Alright, Lolita, you can
turn off the dimple machine.

And if you're so
interested in a free rabbit

why don't you take this
dumb bunny off my hands?

I'll give you two bucks
for these hedge clippers.

- Well, I believe...
- Uh, excuse me, missis.

My 10th wedding
anniversary is comin' up

and hedge clippers is all
the little woman talks about.

I'll give you $3.

$4.

- $4.50.
- $5.

$25.

For $25, I could
hire a gardener.

For 25 bucks, I could
hire a son with a brain.

Thank you so much,
and I'm so pleased

these dishes are
gonna get a good home.

I'm sure they'll look
lovely on your table.

Table? I'm usin' these
for target practice.

Well, I hope you sh**t
yourself in the foot!

- Here you go, Vinton.
- Oh! He he he.

Well, we've unloaded
just about everything

except for Iola's
homemade horrors.

I bet there's over $200 here!

Don't be flashin'
that cash around.

You put that in a safe place.
Never know who's lurkin' around.

Look at that
creep with his mutt.

Hey! You get your shih
tzu out of my begonias!

Hey, skeeter, here's a
perfect place to hide our money

Iola's tissue box.

Yes, honey! Nobody would
ever look inside that ugly thing!

Except maybe a crook
with a runny nose.

If you ask me, them little dogs
are nothin' but longhaired rats.

Ms. Harper, we
got plenty of money.

What do you say we just call
it quits and go buy our VCR?

Are you nuts?

We're not about to quit

till we unload Iola's
hideous gewgaws.

Watch this one.

Attention, shoppers!

I am now takin' offers on
these gorgeous one-of-a-kinds.

Do I hear $1?

Do I hear 50 cents?

Do I...

ola.

Thel, Thelma, why
didn't you tell me

you were havin' a garage sale?

It was all so spur
of the moment.

- You know how madcap we are.
- Yeah...

Iola, we thought you
were at a weddin'.

We had to come back home.

Mother got carsick
on the interstate.

What are you doin' here?

Run home and take
care of that precious thing.

Bye.

She's much better now. I
can browse for a minute.

Well, for heaven's sakes.

It's as if you don't
want me to see...

The macrame towel rack I
gave you for your birthday!

Ugh! Oh!

Thelma!

These are all my handicrafts!

Well, now, this
table is not for sale.

We were just takin' inventory.

It's been hidden in the closet
so long, we forgot what we had.

Nonsense!

We couldn't part with
any of the beautiful things

that you've made for us.

Then why does my
coat-hanger birdcage

have a 35-cent price tag on it?

Because no one
would pay 50 cents?

Thelma Harper, I am shocked!

You are hawkin'
my gifts on the street

like a common, gift-monger?

Now, Iola, I can explain
all of this, can't we?

Now, where the hell did
all them yellow-bellies go?

I am waitin' for my explanation.

Well, we did it so that
we could raise the money

to pay for a VCR that's
on sale at Crazy Ray's.

That's it?

All of this deceit
so you can buy

a brand-x tape recorder
from a retailin' madman?

What deceit?

Don't act so
innocent, you Judas.

You've probably been
plannin' this thing for months.

Waitin' for me to get outta town

so you could exploit my
talents for 30 pieces of silver!

Thirty pieces of sil...

We haven't gotten
one plugged nickel

for this God-awful junk!

Oh, well, fine!

If that's the way you feel

I will just take
my things and go!

You don't deserve
these works of art.

And you don't
deserve my friendship.

That is it, Thelma
Harper! We are finished!

You have heard my
last "knock, knock!"

Iola, wait!

Yes, Thelma?

You forgot your
gaudy tissue t*nk!

Now, take it and blow!

Is Iola gone, Mama?

Well, where the hell were
you when I needed you?

I had to insult
her all by myself.

What say we just close up shop
for today and go buy our VCR?

Good idea, Bubba.

Mama, where's the Kleenex caddy?

I gave that ugly
thing back to Iola.

- What?
- Ms. Harper, you didn't.

All our money was in that thing.

Great! Now how are
we gonna buy our VCR?

Well, why didn't you stop me?

What the hell kind of an idiot
puts 200 bucks in a Kleenex box?

- Well...
- As if I had to ask!

Will you three get a
move on and finish eatin'?

Mama, you always said we
should chew each bite 32 times.

That was for meat, not jello.

Come on, hurry it up. Iola's
gonna be here any minute.

Last thing I need is her
moochin' another meal.

Ms. Harper, how in the
world did you talk her into

bringin' back her junk?

I lied through my teeth.

I told her that our house
was a shell of its former self

and we couldn't live without
her beautiful works of art.

And she fell for that?

Hook, line, and sinker.

Grandma, why didn't
you tell her the truth

about us leavin' our money
in her Kleenex caddy?

After all the awful
things I said to her?

She would just wave that
bony finger at me and say

"Finders keepers,
losers weepers."

She's so immature.

Knock, knock.

Ms. Harper, that's her.
What are we gonna do?

Everybody relax, and pretend
you're thrilled to see her

and all them pathetic doodads.

And be sincere. Don't overdo it.

Oh, Iola!

You angel, how
sweet of you to come.

Let me help you with
this big, heavy box.

We'll just dive in,
put everything back.

Oh, Thelma, there'll be plenty
of time for that after dinner.

Dinner?

You did call me
over at mealtime.

Naturally, I assumed I
was bein' asked to dine.

But if I'm mistaken
I'll just take my things

and come back another time.

Soup's on.

Well, if you're about
through with that corn, Iola

I believe I'll just
start clearin' the table.

I would like a few more
niblets, if you don't mind.

Not at all.

Eat hearty.

Gee, Iola, I never realized

what a slow eater you are.

Yes, I chew each bite 32 times.

You see, Mama?

Iola, why don't you
just take your time there

and we'll just unpack this box

and put our things
back where they belong.

Now, now, Thelma,
you wouldn't deprive me

of the joy of passin'
them out, would you?

I wouldn't dream of it.

I'm done.

Well, let's see
what we have here.

Oh, here's the
coat-hanger birdcage.

Aw.

You know, Thelma, I
have always thought

this would look lovely
here in your dinin' room.

You have?

Uh-huh.

And so it does. Lovely.

Yeah, all it needs is
a coat-hanger canary.

Don't give her any ideas.

Well, Bubba, here's your
crocheted drumstick holster.

Great.

And, Naomi, your
toilet paper fairy.

Why, I never noticed
that her tiny wand

is a dental-floss dispenser.

Uh, how about the Kleenex caddy?

Oh, I'm sure that's in
here somewhere. Here it is.

Paws off! She gave it to me.

There isn't a damn thing
in here besides Kleenex!

Thelma, what else
would you expect to find

in a Kleenex caddy?

Two hundred and
thirteen dollars?

Mama, I think she knows.

Iola Boylen, you give
me back my damn money.

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

- We worked hard for that money.
- Yeah, we sacrificed.

I had to sell all of my
Nancy Sinatra records.

How could you stoop so low as
to steal from your own friends?

Friends?

First you try to sell my gifts

to total strangers,
behind my back

and when they
fail to turn a profit

you belittle them
and throw them back.

Now you pretend like
you can't live without 'em

just to get back your $213?

That is not what
I call friendship!

You should've
told her the truth.

Iola, wait. We didn't do
nothin'. She made us lie.

Yeah, we didn't even
want you to come to dinner.

Well, you won't have to
worry about that anymore.

Iola Boylen has
mooched her last meal.

Iola, you can't leave like this.

Yeah, you haven't
given us back our money.

Never mind the damn
money! We don't deserve it!

At least I don't.

I've treated you
real shabby, Iola.

I was dishonest, but...

sh**t, I only did it to
spare your feelings.

Well, don't you see?
You made it worse.

You added insult to injury.

You rubbed salt in the wound.

You gave an extra twist to
that Kn*fe in my heart. You...

Iola, are you gonna
let me apologize here?

Sorry, Thelma, go ahead.

Iola, you're the best friend
I have in the whole world.

And I'm real sorry for
the way I treated you.

To prove that our friendship is
more important than money...

I want you to keep it.

Now, hold on, Mama.

Don't let this honesty
thing get out of hand.

Why, thank you, Thelma.

You know, I just had a feelin'
we were gonna reconcile.

So to commemorate the
occasion, I made you a present.

It's on the porch.

Oh, great.

Not only do we lose our $200

we gotta look at another
one of her God-awful gifts.

Oh, now, hush up, Naomi.
How bad could this be?

- Knock, knock!
- Good Lord.

Well, Iola, what have we here?

It's a multicolored cozy for...

your brand-new VCR.

It's the one we wanted
from Crazy Ray's.

I got there just in time.
This was the last one.

- Uncle Vint, lets hook it up.
- Yeah.

Iola, you scamp!

Makin' us think you
were gonna keep our $200

and you used it to buy us a VCR.

I just wanted to teach you
all a little lesson in friendship.

Well, you certainly did that.

I just got one
question, dear friend.

- That only cost 179 bucks.
- That's correct.

So where's my damn
change, you crook?