04x16 - I Do, I Don't

[bunniefuu]

Well, I cried. I thought it
was a beautiful wedding.

Well, I've never seen such
a fat bride in all of my life.

Oh, I thought she
made a beautiful bride.

Yes, she absolutely glowed.

That was just the
sweat she worked up

lumberin' down the aisle.

So, Mr. Hanson...

how did you like meetin'
the entire Harper clan

for the first time?

Thank you.

Well, it was
certainly the, uh...

rowdiest wedding
reception I ever attended.

I guess you just don't go
to too many formal parties

where folks still do the limbo.

Say, who would've
thought that Aunt Effie

could get down so low?

Must be that new pin in her hip.

Come on, girls. Let's give
these flowers some fresh water.

That Mr. Hanson is so cute!

How do you think
it's going, Ms. Harper?

Well, I figure if he didn't
run kickin' and screamin'

from that freak
show of a weddin'

then he must be pretty serious.

Oh, I think he is!

Mrs. Harper, doesn't
it feel kinda weird

to be datin' your
night school teacher?

I tell you, Amy, at
my age it feels weird

to be datin' anybody.

Before Mr. Hanson the only man

to hold my hand
was old Dr. Kelly

and he was just
lookin' for a pulse.

Say, guys, I heard somewhere
that goin' to a wedding

gives a girl romantic ideas.

- Is that true?
- Oh, yeah.

Especially if she's the bride.

Well, see, I got
this new ID bracelet.

I was wonderin' if this might
be a good time to give it to Amy.

Bubba, do you wanna
tie yourself down

when you've still got
your whole life ahead?

It's not me I want
to tie down, it's Amy.

Well, then, I say
go for it, big guy.

Just put those in
the dining room here.

Oh, I love a
wedding centerpiece.

You can do so
much more with them

than you can a funeral spray.

Well, I thought it was real
tacky the way Roselle Huflander

made off with four of those
right after the reception.

Mama, you were
smart to get there early

and take yours before
the wedding started.

The truth is, I'll bet you

these flowers last
longer than that marriage.

Now, Ms. Harper,
you don't know that.

I know Cousin Izzy.
He's a heartbreaker.

Is he?

He certainly is.

Marriage is a big commitment.

He's never held
down a job in his life

and now he's got
all that mouth to feed.

Well, gee... gee, they
seemed so in love.

Yeah, grandma.
Love is what counts.

Bubba, love don't pay the rent.

Marriage is a big responsibility

and you know with
Ida Sue's breeder hips

there's gonna be
a houseful of brats.

You have no idea, Bubba

what problems a
marriage can bring.

Nothin' will k*ll love
faster than sayin', "I do."

Hi, honey! I'm home!

Well, it's about time.

Did you remember to
stop by the grocery store?

Oh, darn, I forgot.

Bubba, the twins
need their formula!

Gee, Amy, all you ever

seem to think about
lately are the twins.

Can't you think
of anything else?

How about the triplets?

Darn, I forgot.

Here, here, here.

Let me help you.

I still got a half an hour

before I gotta get to my
second job at the garage.

How about a nice
anniversary dinner?

- What anniversary?
- Ours.

Don't you remember? We got
married two years ago today.

Two years?

It seems more like a life
sentence with no parole.

Carl? Carl?

Is that you?

Are you home yet?

Little Vinton is upstairs
cryin'. He needs you.

Oh, Lord, she's having
one of her spells again!

Grandma, grandma,
it's me, Bubba.

Those are my babies
upstairs, not yours.

Well, shut 'em up.
They're drivin' me nuts!

They're... they're
hungry, Mrs. Harper.

- What?
- I said, "They're hungry!"

Bubba forgot to pick
up their formula again

so I'm gonna have to go.

Wallet.

Can I go too? Please.
I never get to get out.

I wanna go to the movies!

I want some popcorn!

Grandma, she's-she's
not goin' to the movies.

She's goin' for formula.
She's goin' for baby food.

But the babies aren't
even here. Look!

Grandma, get a grip.

Amy, you can't leave me
here without any money.

If you want more
money, go get another job.

I've already got three.

Hey! Who was that fat girl?

Grandma, that was Amy, my wife.

Wife? You're too
young to be married.

Marriage is a
big responsibility.

Stop whinin'!

I gotta go get something
to feed those babies.

What about me? I'm hungry too!

I want some popcorn
with extra butter flavor!

Bubba! Bubba! Bubba!

Bubba.

Bubba.

Bubba.

- Huh?
- Do you want some popcorn?

It's butter flavored.

No, thanks, grandma.

Well, Bubba, where is your mind?

Oh, I think he's got more
on his mind than popcorn.

Yeah, say, guy.

Wasn't there something
that you wanted to ask Amy?

Oh, yeah, uh...

Well, uh, Amy...

Go ahead, Bubba, don't be shy.

Amy, would you consider
seein' other people?

What?

I'm sure there's
plenty of guys out there

just dyin' to be tied
down to you. I know.

Why don't I take you home

so you don't miss
any of their calls?

Well, okay.

Bye, everybody.

- Goodbye, Amy.
- Bye, you two.

Now what do you
suppose got into Bubba?

I have no idea, I
thought for sure

he was gonna give
her his ID bracelet.

Didn't you, honey?

Well, who knows
with that lug nut?

He probably bought
the thing in the first place

to remember who the hell he is.

Well, I just still
cannot believe

that I caught the
bride's bouquet.

Oh, Mama, that
means you're next.

Oh, Vinton, you know
that's just a silly superstition.

What you have to do with that

is seal it in a ziplock bag
and squeeze the air out.

- It'll keep for decades.
- Really, Ms. Boylen?

It sounds like you've caught
the bride's bouquet before.

Sixteen times.

I told you it was
just a superstition.

Okay, who is ready
for a tall, cool glass

of my lemonade?

Oh, I was just cravin'
some lemonade, skeeter.

Do I know how to
please my man or what?

Naomi!

This is the nastiest stuff

I ever put in my mouth!

It is a bit tart.

Lord, the woman can't even

make a lemonade from a mix.

That's some wife
you got there, Vinton.

Thank you, Mama.

And just what is wrong with the
way I perform my wifely duties?

Well, you can't
clean, you can't sew.

And when it comes to cookin' you
can't even mix powder and water!

That is a bald-faced lie!

I only had trouble because
it was a new recipe.

I'll show you.

I will go whip up the drink

that I am famous
for, grape Kool-Aid!

Just bring me a beer.

Lord, I have to
apologize for Naomi, Alan.

You can pick your friends,
but not your relatives.

I understand, it can
sometimes be difficult

living with in-laws.

It wouldn't be for me.

When I marry, I will be
the perfect daughter-in-law.

I would love my husband's
family like my own.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's what they all say.

The minute the ring
goes on their finger

the Kn*fe goes in your back.

I've had problems
with all of my in-laws.

I never could respect anybody
who'd marry one of my kids.

Yep, the minute
they tie the knot

you don't lose a child,
you gain a headache.

Hi, honey!

I'm home!

How about a nice kiss?

Sure thing, sweetie pie.

Mama, I was talking to Iola.

Oh, her.

I bought her the nicest gift.

Did you know that it's
our second anniversary?

How could I forget?

Ms. Priss has taken
over my kitchen

fixin' one of her fancy,
highbrow suppers.

Iola!

Where's my skeeter?

Here she is!

Welcome home, my little hubby.

Knock it off or I'm gonna turn
the garden hose on you two!

Iola... for the best
two years of my life

happy anniversary.

Oh, Vint.

It's the Hope Diamond.

I have something for you too.

I made it myself.

Oh-h-h, well, you...

Oh.

Iola, this is too wonderful.

It's what I always wanted.

I don't deserve it.

What the hell is it?

It's a Clorox bottle piggy bank.

- Isn't it adorable?
- I should say.

What did you do,
pose for it yourself?

Knock, knock.

Oh, hi, Vint.

- Hi, Naomi.
- Hi, everybody.

Naomi, sweetie pie, come on in.

No, I see that you've got
the table set for supper.

- I'll come back another time.
- Nonsense!

Sweetie, we want you to stay.

Iola, go set another place.

But, Ms. Harper, this is my
special anniversary dinner.

I only made enough
for the family.

Naomi can eat mine.

Your hoity-toity cookin' is too
rough on my stomach anyway.

Mama, you can't
give up the dinner

that Iola's been
cookin' all day.

Thank you, baby.

- Naomi can have mine.
- She cannot!

Vinton Harper, you're
gonna eat every hoity-toity bite

if I have to cram it
down your throat!

You hear the way
she talks to him?

And on their anniversary.

If Vinton were my husband

I'd meet him at
the door every night

with a big smile and
a cool can of beer.

Oh, yeah, Iola.
How about a beer?

We're out of beer.

That old lush polished off

the last six-pack after lunch.

She never does keep
enough beer in this house.

How can I?

It'd take a team of Clydesdales

to keep up with your guzzling.

I only drink because you
make my life a livin' hell!

Oh, yeah?

You think it's a picnic

living with a boozed-up
Mammy Yokum?

Well, you uptight, little twit!

Ladies, ladies, please,
no need to argue.

I've got a case of
beer in my garage.

Vinton, why don't you come along

put those big, strong
muscles of yours to work

gettin' that beer on ice?

That's really neighborly
of you, Naomi.

Don't mind if I do.

Vint!

Vint, come back!
It's our anniversary!

Oh, leave him alone, Iola.

They're on a beer run.

Iola. Iola!

Iola.

Iola!

Iola!

Iola?

- Iola.
- What?

Naomi just brought
in her Kool-Aid.

Do you want a drink?

Oh, no, thank you.

Weddings always make
me a little... queasy.

I think I'll go home.

Iola, aren't you
gonna stay for dinner?

Why?

So I can be used for my

sparkling conversation then
tossed out with the leftovers?

No, thank you. You've made
your sleazy bed, Vinton Harper.

Now lie in it!

Mmm, boy, Mama,

nobody makes chicken
and dumplings like you do.

Oh, they tasted
alright, did they?

Oh, my, yes, they reminded
me of the dumplings

my late wife,
Rebecca, used to make.

Hers were lighter than air.

Lighter than air?

Oh, she must've been some cook.

Oh, my Rebecca excelled
at everything she tried.

You don't say.

And such a charm.

Everyone she met
fell under her spell.

- Sounds just like grandma.
- Oh, hush, Bubba.

Don't you be comparing
me to that wonderful woman.

Actually, Thelma, in many
ways you remind me of Rebecca.

Oh, I know I do go on about her

but there are days when I
can't quite believe she's gone.

Well, I know what you mean.

I still feel Carl's presence.

In fact, every time I
go in that bathroom

it's as if he's sittin'
right there with me.

Well, I don't believe
in lookin' back.

I think every new marriage,
you have to wipe the slate clean.

There is no sense
in bein' haunted

by the ghosts of the past.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Thelma, where have you been?

I said I was gonna
go shoppin' at the mall.

It's been over two hours.

Rebecca never took
that long shopping.

Well, I know, but I
wanted to make sure

that your anniversary
present was extra special.

I hope it's handkerchiefs.

- Handkerchiefs?
- Why, yes.

That's what I got every
year from... Rebecca!

Well, I think I'll just mosey in
the kitchen and ice the cake.

Don't mosey!

Rebecca never moseyed.

Feet, don't fail me now.

I'll tell you what.

I have had it livin' in
that woman's shadow.

It's as if she's taken
over my entire house.

Nonsense, Mrs. Harper.

I'm sure you're just
imagining things.

What are you two doin'?

We're repaintin'
the kitchen, Mama.

See? Royal puce.

"Royal puce?"

Good Lord, nobody
has a kitchen that color.

Rebecca did.

Will you two excuse
me for a minute?

Hey, grandma, what's shakin'?

Every bone in my body.

Good Lord, I've never
been so spooked.

It must be the weather.

- Yes. Isn't it beautiful?
- "Beautiful?"

- It's rainin' cats and dogs.
- So it is.

You know, grandma, nobody
loved the rain more than...

Rebecca.

Knock, knock.

Oh, Iola, am I ever
glad to see you.

My entire family's
gone stone squirrelly.

Oh, darn, and on
your anniversary too.

Well, cheer up, Thelma, I
made you a special cake.

Well, thanks just the same, Iola

but I already made
a lemon chiffon.

Well, Thelma, you can't have

lemon chiffon cake
on your anniversary.

- I can't?
- Heavens no.

Rebecca liked devil's food!

Well, I'm gettin'
the hell outta here!

You can't leave now, Thelma.

After all, you haven't opened
your anniversary gifts yet.

"Gifts?"

That's right, Mama.

We all have something for you.

Something out of this world.

Uh-oh.

Open Uncle Vint's first.

Oh, well, it's just a dress.

Kind of gaudy, but harmless.

Try it on, Thelma.

- Well, maybe later.
- Now!

Well, isn't this something?

My present goes with it.

Well, isn't this somethin’ else?

It looks better on.

- "On?"
- "On."

"On" is terrific.

And now, grandma,
for the final touch...

Boy, oh, boy.

Well, this is kind of like
Bo Peep gone floozy.

And now for my gift
to you, my dearest.

The most beautiful work of
art the world has ever known...

Rebecca!

I knew you'd love it, Rebecca

I mean, Thelma.

Thelma!

Thelma-a-a!

Thelma?

Thelma?

- Thelma?
- What?

Do you wanna sit on the
porch for a while before I go?

On the porch? Just you and me?

Well, sure, Ms. Harper, go
ahead. We'll clear the table.

Yeah, go ahead, grandma,
we'll take care of it.

Well, okay.

I guess maybe a little fresh
air might do me some good.

You know, I do love sittin'
out on the porch after supper.

You do? So did Rebecca.

In that case... why
don't we just sit in here?

There's only room
out there for two.