04x20 - Mama Goes Hawaiian: Part 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mama's Family". Aired: January 22, 1983 – February 24, 1990.*
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Spin-off series revolves around the wacky misadventures of the Harper family, extended non-Harper family members and their neighbor friend in later seasons.
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04x20 - Mama Goes Hawaiian: Part 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Hurry up, grandma. The taxi's
gonna be here any minute.

Oh, my Lord, how
am I ever gonna finish?

Okay, Ms. Harper

me and Vinton are all
packed and ready to go.

Oh, Naomi, we're goin'
for a week in the tropics

not a year in the Klondike.

Oh, for heaven's sake, would
you slap a smile on that sourpuss?

We are goin' to Hawaii.

Yeah, mama, and
all expenses paid.

I know that. Who do you
think won the damn trip?

Oh, it's gonna be
great, grandma.

Yeah, this brochure says

that that Kapalua golf course

is one of the most
beautiful in the whole world.

Oh, honey, you can go to
the pitch and putt at home.

In Hawaii, you and I are gonna
have a week of non-stop romance.

Yeah.

Will you two please keep
that in a darkened basement

where it belongs?

Lots of better things
to do in Hawaii.

There sure are. What are
you gonna do, grandma?

Are you kiddin'? That's the
souvenir center of the world.

I'm gonna get me one
of them aloha hula lamps

like Roselle's got.

Iola Boylen is gonna
be pea green with envy.

She already is.

I've never seen her
so down in the mouth.

Knock-knock, and aloha.

Guess what.

Have I got a surprise for you.

You made us matchin' luggage?

No, silly. I'm
goin' to Hawaii too.

- What?
- But you can't.

No, mama only won four tickets.

Well, I know, but I
couldn't let that stop me.

So I sold mother's mink.

Well, she never uses it, and
most times she leaves the house

these days is in an ambulance.

Oh, here's the cab.

Oh, Thelma, isn't
this gonna be fun?

Yeah, all the
inconveniences at home.

Next thing you know Aunt Effie's

gonna be callin'
sayin' she's comin' too.

Come on, let's get
the hell out of here.

- Oh...
- Iola, boy, oh, boy.

This sure beats the
hell out of Motel 6.

Aloha, and welcome to
The Kapalua Bay Hotel.

You must be the Harper family.

And the Boylen single.

Well, if there's anything
at all that you need,

our staff will be more
than happy to oblige.

Oh, w-well, now, what about
one of them frosty drinks

with the flowers
growing out of 'em?

Uh, yeah,
hey-hey-hey. Over here.

Uh-uh, Loraine, I
believe Mrs. Harper

would like a chi-chi.

Loraine...

Oh, thank you, Loraine.

Um, you know what?

I believe I'll save you the trip

and I'll just, uh, try
a pink one right now.

Please follow me to your room.

Oh, well, thank goodness.

Come on, come on.
Let's go get changed.

My long-line girdle has
cut me off at the pass.

How are we gonna tip him?

I didn't get my money exchanged.

But, honey, they have the
same money here as we do.

Yeah, we're still in
the States, Uncle Vint.

Oh, yeah, right.

So how much do I tip him?

Oh, now, for pity's sake...

Here, just let me handle this.

You are so unsophisticated.

Yo! Anybody got
change for a dollar?

Aah!

Boy, what a place.

Grandma, this is the life.

Boy, I'll say.

I just can't decide
which one I like better.

The white chi-chi
or the pink one.

Hi, Ms. Harper.

Say, is this place posh or what?

Yeah, I never saw so
many bath towels in my life.

Well, I better not find one
of them in your suitcase.

Knock-knock! Thelma,
what is takin' so long?

Let's get crackin'. We're
five minutes behind schedule.

What schedule?

Haven't you read
my tour itinerary?

Iola, we are not about to follow

a schedule in paradise.

Well, even paradise needs rules.

Come on, Thelma.

At least visit the
Lovers Grotto with me.

Uh, what's that, Ms. Boylen?

Well, it's the first
place you're supposed

to visit when you hit Maui.

It ensures that you'll find
romance on the islands.

Oh, we don't need to
go there, do we, Skeeter?

We sure don't 'cause I brought
my romance insurance with me.

Mm.

Will you two please go talk
business somewhere else?

Fine. Come along, baby.

We will make our
own Lovers Grotto

right across the hall.

Good Lord, haven't
they ever heard of jet lag?

Well, let's go check
out the Lovers Grotto.

What do you say, grandma?

Well, alright, as
long as it isn't too far.

I got me a chi-chi for the road.

Oh, my. This is even more
awesome than the brochure said.

Well, good gravy, Iola, if
I'd have known it was this far

I'd have brought me a
whole pitcher of chi-chis.

Hey, look what it
says. "Lovers Grotto.

"Cast a flower in the sea
and find your own true love."

What the hell's that
wahine talkin' about?

Well, Moana was an island girl,

who every day threw
a flower in the ocean

as a symbol of her undyin' love

for her sweetheart,
who was lost at sea.

And sure enough, like
magic, he came back to her.

Wow, you mean all we have
to do is throw a flower in the sea

and we'll find our
own true loves?

Well, so the legend says.

Well, I'm gonna go for it.

- Oh!
- Come on love.

Well, that goes double for me.

Ha! Say, grandma

don't you wanna find
true love in the islands too?

Oh, what the hell.

Well, Thelma, your entire lei?

Damn straight.

I'm here for seven
fun-filled nights.

Moana, do your stuff.

Oh, hey, Skeeter,
you wanna take a dip?

The water looks great.

Oh, I don't think so, honey.

I wanna put all my
energies into tanning.

I wanna be the only
checker at Food Circus

with that George Hamilton glow.

Yeah. Well, be careful.

They say you can get the
worst sunburn on a windy day.

You're right, baby,
maybe you'd better put

some of that sunscreen
on my back. It's in my bag.

Oh, sure thing, honey.

Oh, baby.

Can you imagine
anything more beautiful?

No, I don't have that
much imagination.

Boy, I hope this Lovers Grotto
magic starts workin' soon.

You know what?

I believe this blue Hawaii

is even better than
that pink chi-chi.

Loraine says she's gonna
bring me a purple passion

when she comes back this way.

That's the one
that's got the little

Menehune man in it.

Hey, look, grandma.

Uh, windsurfing looks like fun.

I'm gonna go see
if I can rent one.

You wanna come?

Well, Bubba, I'd have to drink

every color of the rainbow

before I'd have
the nerve to show

my bathing suit on this beach.

Come on, grandma, nobody
would even looked twice.

Well, then what's the point?

Just go ahead and run along.

I'm gonna sit here with my
drink and watch the world go by.

Okay.

Say, that... sure sounds good.

It is. Real sweet and fruity.

Boy, you can really work
up a thirst out here in the sun.

Well, why don't you just order
one when Loraine gets back?

I, I can't. I... forgot
to bring my wallet.

Well, you don't need money.

You just give her
your room number.

Well, I'm, I'm not
a guest in the hotel.

Well, then what the
hell are you doin' here?

I'm tryin' to catch
up on some rest.

I, I've had a very busy week.

Doin' what? Moochin'
off the hotel guests?

Hey, don't get the
wrong idea about me.

Oh, don't be so touchy.

You think you're the
only person in the world

that's ever been
down on his luck?

Here you go. I got me
another one comin' anyway.

Well, thank you. Much obliged.

My name's Billy.

I'm Thelma.

Thelma... I like your style.

Well, you listen here, Billy.

Don't you be gettin'
any funny ideas.

I got me a big
strappin' grandson.

Takes real good care of me.

He's right out
there windsurfin'.

Hey, Bubba!

Of course, he's a little
more coordinated on dry land.

- Oh-ho!
- Oh, I'm...

- Oh, so sorry.
- No, my fault.

- Ah, good.
- Perfect.

Excuse me, miss...
- Uh, Boylen.
- Oh.

Oh, I am Lars Johanssen.

I-I am cook on Norwegian tanker.

Uh, can you tell me where is, um

"Oldest banyan tree on island?"

Oh, oh, well, that's next
on my agenda as well.

Really?

Oh, well, this is amazing.

We have exactly
the same itinerary.

Yes, and we are both
15 minutes off schedule.

Well, then I guess
I'd best be off.

I-I believe that is the
banyan tree over there.

Oh, uh, Ms. Boylen...

um, since I too
go to tree, um...

perhaps we could
be off together.

Well, I don't see why
not. It's a, a free island.

And please, call me Iola.

Oh, my! Isn't this unbelievable?

Beautiful.

Magnificent.

- Oh!
- Oh!

You know, Iola...

there is so much
to see on this island.

Oh, yes. And so little time.

Perhaps, we could
make our two lists one?

Oh, well, I would
like that very much.

Uh-huh.

I have never shared

my itinerary with a man before.

Wait, don't move.

Thank you.

A little token to
remember the moment

I became the happiest
sailor in the fleet.

Oh, Lars.

I've waited my whole
life to hear those words.

Thelma, come on in!

The water's perfect.

Forget it. The ocean
moves too much to suit me.

Can you believe that bum?

He's already mooched
my blue Hawaii off of me.

I don't even know him. A perfect
stranger. Can you imagine?

Help! Help!

Well, what the...

It's Billy.

Help!

I got a cramp. Help!

Well, good Lord.

Help. Man overboard
or something.

Uh, save him. There's
a man drownin'.

No English. No English.

Oh, for pity's...

Help. Hurry up. There's
a man out there drownin'.

I don't swim.

Well, then go put
on some clothes.

Hold on, Billy, I'm comin'.

Anybody takes a
picture, they're dead meat.

Well, you all have
been an enormous help.

Now, just get
lost. He's fine now.

Here you go. Go on!
Will you quit gawkin'?

Ain't you ever seen an old
woman in a wet muumuu before?

Go on. Go tan somewhere.

Lord.

How you doin', Billy?

I'm fine.

Thanks to you, Thelma.

I don't know why I
cramped up like that.

I haven't had
anything to eat all day.

Why you poor pitiful soul.

Here.

Have the rest of my BLT.

I only took one bite.

Thelma, wait. You saved my life.

You can't just give me
a sandwich and leave.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Here. Here's five bucks.

That's all you're gettin'.

Thelma, wait!

You don't understand!

Thelma!

I knew you would be here.

Who are you?

I am Lani.

And you are my destiny.

What do you mean,
your... destiny?

Oh, it has been foretold
that a boy would come to me

with hair the color of flame

and skin as white
as the mahi-mahi.

Well, when this boy comes to you

y-you don't sacrifice him
to the Gods or anything.

- Do you?
- Not at all.

My people tell me...

to welcome him to the islands.

Uh, that will be
five for dinner.

Yes, and the name
is Harper. Yes...

Mama, we're not gonna be
able to go to dinner tonight.

Hold on a minute. And why not?

Good Lord.

Make that three for dinner.

Mahalo.

Naomi, what on earth
happened to you?

Vinton put bath gel on
me instead of sunscreen.

Oh, there now, Skeeter...

Ooh-hoo! Don't touch me!

Well, if we put you on a spit

we could call you a shish kebab.

Knock-knock!

Oh, Thelma

the most exciting
thing has happened.

Well, Naomi, what on
earth happened to you?

Oh, never mind.

I don't want your pity.

Okay. Thelma, you are
not gonna believe this...

Grandma, grandma.

Grandma, Hawaii is the most

wonderful place on Earth.

Oh, poor baby.

Don't! Don't!

Aunt Naomi, what's
the matter with you?

Never mind. She
doesn't want your pity.

Okay, what's with you two?

I met a man.

I met a girl.

Bubba, no big surprise.

Iola, tell me everything.

He's a Norwegian sailor.

His name is Lars Johanssen.

He's the cook
aboard a freighter.

Oh, Thelma, we have
so much in common.

We both plan meals
two weeks ahead.

We only chew sugarless gum.

And we're both
allergic to hamsters.

Oh, you can meet
him tonight at dinner.

Well, I can hardly wait.

I'll have to make a
reservation for one more.

Make that two. I
invited Lani to dinner.

- Lani?
- Yeah. She's a real Hawaiian.

Says she's gonna show
us all around the islands.

Hey, look at this
flower she gave me.

Oh, Lars gave me this flower.

Hey, wait a minute.

This is the same kind of flower

I threw in the Lovers Grotto.

Well, so is mine.

Our flowers have
come back to us.

Oh, Bubba, this is
more than coincidence.

This is magic.

Yeah, maybe we
found our own true loves

like it says on Moana's statue.

Horse pucky. I
threw my whole lei in.

Where the hell's my romance?

- Who is it?
- It's Chuck, your bellman.

Yo, Chuck.

- This is for you, Mrs. Harper.
- Oh, well...

Well, now, this is
exactly like my lei.

Mama's own true love is Chuck?

This will explain.

Thanks, Chucky.

"You saved my life. Now, won't
you do the same for my heart?

"Forever yours, Billy."

Thanks a lot, Moana.

What does all that mean?

I think it means I'm spendin'

seven fun-filled nights
with a beach bum.
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