04x23 - Bed and Breakdown

[bunniefuu]

Well, Vinton, I thought you
said you fixed this oven door.

- It won't stay shut.
- I did fix it.

Remember, yesterday
it wouldn't open.

My coffee cake is
never gonna get done

thanks to you, Handy Andy.

I don't think either one of
you are workin' on four burners.

Would you look at this?

It's a whole pull-out supplement

on the Tri-State Fair!

They say this year it's
gonna be the best ever.

And educational, too.

"Where else can you
see scientific wonders

"like the Tattooed Lady,
Big Red The Lobster Man

"and Tina, The Human Pretzel?"

If I wanna look at freaks,
I can just stay at home.

Besides, if you ask me
the only thing worth seein'

at that fair is those
dancin' waters.

How in the world they
get all of those fountains

to squirt in time to
"The Blue Danube"

is just beyond me.

♪♪ La da da da da ♪♪♪♪

Of course, it loses
a little somethin'

without the colored lights.

I hear the fair is gonna break

all attendance
records this year.

Yeah, people are comin'
from as far away as Akron.

There's not a hotel
room to be had.

The Chamber of
Commerce is askin' people

to rent out rooms
in their homes.

Hey, we could rent
my room out, grandma.

They say folks are gettin' as
much as a 100 bucks a night.

A 100 bucks?

Hey, mama, this could be a
great way to bring in extra cash.

Forget it, Vinton, I
wouldn't have strangers

in my house for anything.

But, Ms. Harper,
in just one weekend

you could save enough
money to get the down payment

on a brand-new stove!

I'm tellin' you,
it's not worth it.

This chair works
just fine. No, siree.

I'm not about to open up
my showplace to the public.

Hell, Vinton,
don't just sit there.

Go turn on the vacancy sign.

Knock, knock.

Oh, hi, Iola.

I just came by to
see if I could help.

Oh, Thelma, your
house looks lovely!

An invitin' oasis for
the weary traveler.

Well, so far, the only weary
one around here is me.

Here, catch that dinin'
room table for me, will you?

I have been scrubbin'
for two solid days

and not a single
customer in sight.

I really need that extra money
too for the stove of my dreams.

The Chef-O-Matic.

Oh, my, yes, that
is a nice stove.

Nice? Nice?

A toaster oven is nice.

The Chef-O-Matic is
God's gift to womankind.

That puppy is loaded.

It's even got a deluxe
grease splatter guard.

I tell you, I'll leave the
fried bacon in the nude

without a second thought.

Oh, please, Lord, if you'll
just let one customer call

I will do anything
you want. Please?

Well, never mind, Lord. I
was just thinkin' out loud!

Hello! Harper House!

Yes, we do have a room for rent.

Quiet? Oh, my, yes.

The closest rooster lives
two miles down the road

and he doesn't get up till noon.

You'll take it? Well,
that's wonderful!

Alright. Okay! We
will see you then!

Hot damn!

Chef-O-Matic, here I come!

Oh, congratulations,
Thelma. Who did you rent it to?

The Thornberrys. A
very nice, retired couple.

Oh, Iola, I tell you,
it's my lucky day.

Mama, have we got
great news for you.

- We just rented the room!
- Yeah.

You what?

Grandma! Ha-ha!
Your troubles are over.

I just rented out that room.

Well, Iola, the way my luck is
goin', I could go put my head

in that old oven of mine,
and it'd probably start workin'.

You mean, you've all
rented the same room?

How do you like this?

In business two minutes,
and already I'm overbooked.

Way to go, mama.

You numbskull! This
is not the Holiday Inn.

Now you're gonna have
to get all these people

to find somewhere else to stay.

But, Ms. Harper, I promised
it to my boss' nephew.

I can't tell him no!

And I'm not about to
disappoint all those cheerleaders.

- What cheerleaders?
- From Hinckley.

They're comin' in for
this Tri-State pep-off.

Well, they are not
peppin' off under my roof.

But, grandma, I
already told the guys.

My rep is on the line.

- So is Naomi's job.
- Well, so is my sanity!

Now all of these
people cannot stay here!

Well, why not, Thelma?
You've got the room.

Iola's right.

Mr. Carruthers' nephew can
sleep down in our basement.

Vinton and me will bunk up here.

Yeah, and the cheerleaders
can stay in Bubba's room.

Hah! Thanks, Uncle Vint!

You hold your hormones, buster.

You'll sleep down here, too.

And the Thornberrys can
stay in your room, Thelma.

And just where the hell
does that leave me, Iola?

Down here with the rest of us.

Are you out of your mind?

But, mama, think of all
that moolah you'll be makin'.

Three rooms for two
nights at $100 a night

that comes to...

Tell her, Skeeter.

- Six hundred dollars!
- Six hundred dollars.

Six hundred dollars, I could
buy that Chef-O-Matic outright

and still have enough left over

for a pair of
designer oven mitts.

Does that mean you'll do it?

sh**t, for my Chef-O-Matic,
I'd sleep in a snake pit.

I don't suppose two nights with
you all could be much worse.

Hey, Uncle Vint's old
wood-burnin' kit works great.

- What do you think, grandma?
- Oh, that's terrific, Bubba.

We'll hang it on the front door.

We'll be all ready for
our first customers.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Spending the whole weekend
with people we don't even know!

Kinda reminds you of
your single days, huh?

Mama, look what the
Chamber of Commerce

gave me for our guests.

Free brochures on the
night life in Raytown.

You need a whole
brochure to tell about

the Bowl-O-Rama and
the Frostee Freeze?

I think I'll display these
babies on the coffee table.

Knock, knock!

- Oh, hi, Vint.
- Iola.

Thelma, I made you a little gift

for the grand openin'
of Harper House.

Oh, Iola, how thoughtful of you.

Well...
- Paper place mats?
- No.

They're decorative,
sanitized toilet seat protectors.

Now, I didn't have a lot of
time. Will 75 be enough?

Let's hope so.

Who are the Wildcats?

We are the Wildcats!
The Hinckley Wildcats!

Oh, yes! It's the cheerleaders!

You back off, Bubba.

Leave the pep squad to me.

Hi, we're the Wildcats!

I'm Nancy Ann!

- I'm Billy Joe!
- I'm Bobby Sue!

I'm Kim!

What, no second names?

No! Like, I'm from
California, okay?

Hi, I'm Bubba.

Hi!

Well, why don't I show
you girls up to my room?

Down, boy!

This is Harper House,
not animal house.

Vinton, show these
Wildcats up to their cage.

Sure thing, mama.
Right up these stairs.

Go team! Whoo!

Now, girls, if you need
anything at all, just ask for Vint.

Or Naomi, his lovin' wife.

Now, run along, Nancy Belle.

Bubba, I am warnin' you

if you so much as touch
one of those pom-poms,

I'm benchin' you for life.

Well, but, grandma... Ow!

Yes, ma'am.

More guests!

I feel just like
Connie Sellecca.

Well, I guess that
makes me James Brolin.

Welcome to Harper House.

And how do you do?
We're the Thornberrys.

Well, of course, you
are. I'm Thelma Harper.

Come right on in to
my humble abode!

"Humble" is an understatement.

May I put your corsage
in the refrigerator for you?

Good idea, Iola.

Set it right next to the
beer, where it's real cold.

Please, this is no corsage.

This is my Paphiopedilum orchid.

It's the only one
this side of Guam.

We plan to win first prize
in the flower show at the fair.

If it survives this
harsh environment.

I hope our room
isn't this chilly?

Oh, don't worry.
It's on the west side.

It's a real sweatbox.

Bubba, would you like
to show the Thornberrys

upstairs to their suite?

Suite? I thought they
were stayin' in your room?

Just get these bags upstairs.

Oh!

Well, they seem
like a nice couple.

A couple of what?

More guests! Who's next?

This is Naomi's people

Ernie and Peggy Sue Carruthers.

Lord only knows what
they're gonna be like.

Hello!

- I'm Ernie Carruthers.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've been expecting
you. Come on in.

Welcome to Harper House.

Well, where's the missus?

Oh, I'm not married.

You're not? Well, who
the hell's Peggy Sue?

You better not be
plannin' on bringin'

some cheap bimbo in here.

No, Peggy Sue's not a bimbo.

Well, as a matter of fact,
she's won blue ribbons

at every fair she's entered.

Come on in, sweetheart.

Well, Connie, wanna
show the lady to her room?

Good Lord in heaven,
how did Conrad Hilton do it?

Knock, knock!

Thelma, I brought
over the lawn chair.

It should make a
fairly comfortable bed.

That's nice.

Why, Thelma, you
look absolutely b*at.

Oh, Iola, you have
no idea what it is like

listenin' to that
squealin' all day long.

Well, you got to expect
that with teenage girls.

I'm talkin' about the pig!

It's not easy keepin'
that ton of bacon a secret,

especially from them
snooty Thornberrys.

Oh, are they still
givin' you trouble?

Nothin' but!

First, that orchid
needed bottled water

and then it needed a sunlamp.

Next thing you know, it's gonna
need extra towels and a massage!

Well, what you need
is a good night's sleep!

Now, come on.
Let's get you inside.

I tell you what, Iola,
anybody who thinks

their family's a pain in the
butt ought to take in boarders.

Oh, I'll get that, baby.

Oh, thanks.

Bubba, help me
set up this lounge.

The sooner you all bed down

the sooner poor Thelma
can get some rest.

Sorry, Ms. Boylen.

I was just on my way upstairs

to see if the cheerleaders
needed extra blankets.

Forget it, Bubba.

If those girls need warmin' up,

they can do jumpin' jacks.

Well...

Okay, mama, now...

you got your hammock,
you got your sleepin' bag

you got your lawn
chair, you got your sofa.

Everybody's got
a place to sleep.

Not a moment too
soon. I am dog-tired.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, me too.

- Hey.
- Oh, no!

Clear out, you deadbeats.
The sofa is mine.

But, Ms. Harper, I
fixed it up special

with my little pillow
and everything.

Aw! Isn't that cute?

It'll look great on
the sleepin' bag.

Come on, mama. I need
the sofa. I got a trick back.

Vinton, that trick
ain't workin' tonight.

Well, I'm a growin'
boy, grandma...

Well, go! Grow on
the floor somewhere!

Now get off my bed all of you!

Now, now!

Is that any way for
innkeepers to behave?

Obviously, there's only
one solution to this dilemma.

I know, but there's a
law against m*rder.

No, you can draw lots.

Now, I will write down
all four possibilities

and whichever one you
draw is where you'll sleep.

- Well, that sounds fair.
- Sounds fun.

Sounds idiotic.

Okay, here we go.
Who wants to go first?

Me!

Oh, sh**t! I got
the sleepin' bag.

Well, that beats the lawn chair.

Come on sofa, come on sofa!

Hammock!

This thing is rigged.

Pardon me, Ms. Harper

I believe you're
sittin' on my bed.

Well, there we go.
Everything is settled.

Get out of my house!

Thanks to you, I gotta
spend the entire night

on a swingin' fishnet!

Thelma, they say that
hammocks are very orthopedic.

If I wanted orthopedic,
I'd sleep in my shoe!

Hey, this lawn chair
is pretty comfortable.

- Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight, Bubba.

- Goodnight, baby.
- Goodnight, Skeeter.

- Mm.
- Muah!

- Oh, baby!
- Oh.

Break it up, you two.

Good Lord!

I'm zippin' you up, buster.

- Goodnight, Vinton.
- Goodnight, mama.

Sleep tight. Don't
let the bedbugs bite.

Yeah, yeah.

If they do, take your shoe,

hit them till they're
black and... Alright!

Hell.

No... self-respectin' bedbug

would get anywhere
near this deathtrap.

Well, that was real comfortable.

For cryin' out loud,
I'm an old woman here.

Don't let me disturb you.

Alright.

Now, there's gotta be
an easier way to do this.

Don't anybody get
up. Really, I'm fine.

This thing is
startin' to tick me off.

Well, the hell with
modesty, I got to get to sleep.

I did it!

I did it!

This is the most uncomfortable
thing I've ever been in.

I need a... pillow.

Get the... pillow.

Mrs. Harper!

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

No, I always crawl around
on the living room floor

in the middle of the night.

What the hell do you want?

It's about the
bathroom upstairs.

Those girls have been
hogging it all night.

I haven't been able
to get in there once.

Well, bless your heart. No
wonder you're so cranky.

It's not for me.
It's for my orchid.

This requires humidity.

I need to set it next
to a warm shower.

Well, fine, Rhoda,
we'll just stick it here

in the downstairs john
and I'll turn on the tap.

Oh! Mr. Thornberry, I'm sorry.

I wondered where he was.

I was just washing my hands.

Well, I will see you
two in the mornin'.

Mrs. Harper, I feel very uneasy

about being so far
away from my orchid.

Fine! Why don't
you sleep in the sink?

Girls, calm down.
Alright, alright.

What? What? Heaven's
sake, what is it?

There's a man in our room!

I've been right
here the whole time.

Well, Vinton, get up!

There's a strange man upstairs!

I can't, mama. I'm zipped shut.

A man? Well, what
did he look like?

Well, he was really, really old.

- Like, totally gross, you know?
- Yeah!

Oh, no! There he is now!

- Andrew!
- I made a mistake.

I went into the wrong room.

Oh, sure, just
like in St. Louis.

Alright, girls! Chill out! Okay?

Now, everybody back up to bed.

Shoo! Shoo in there!
Shoo! Shoo! Go on, go on!

There! That ought to hold her.

What is that pig doing in there?

Probably just washin' her hands.

Well, Peggy Sue's just hungry.

Poor baby, she's just
lookin' for somethin' to eat.

Good heavens! My orchid!

Oh! Here, piggy, piggy.
Here, piggy, piggy...

- Give me that.
- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Oh! Rhoda, I'm so sorry.
- Oh!

sh**t, if it had just
been five minutes earlier

it would've been your husband.

Well, goodbye, Harper House.

Bubba, why don't
you torch this thing?

Forget it, grandma.
I'm too tired.

I didn't get a wink of
sleep with all those guests

checkin' out in the
middle of the night.

Oh, what are you
complainin' about, mister?

I'm the one that's left high
and dry without my new oven.

Is that all you can
think about? Yourself?

What about me? I could
lose my job over this fiasco!

Look, I am b*at, could we all

please just shut up
and get some sleep?

Sure! That's easy
for you to say, mama.

I don't think I can sleep in
a bed where a pig's been.

Oh, Vinton, what's the big deal?

It sure as hell has never
bothered you before.