04x25 - Pomp and Circumstance

[bunniefuu]

There, that ought to do it.

Mama, Naomi, get
on in here quick!

What is it, baby?

The sweet dream protecto beam.

Good Lord, not another
worthless electronic device.

Worthless? Mama, this is
the finest home security system

that money can buy.

That's right, Ms. Harper.

How does it work, baby?
How does it protect us?

With an invisible infrared beam.

See, the minute a burglar passes
into it, he activates the alarm.

Highly sophisticated yet
simple enough for a child to use.

Well, it's in the right hands.

- Is this how you turn it on?
- Ooh, careful, Skeeter.

See, now, you've engaged it.

Now, nobody can
pass through that door

without setting off the
loudest alarm you ever heard.

Hey, everybody, when's dinner?

Real good, Vinton.

I know, I'm gonna rest a
whole lot easier tonight.

The problem must
be a little short.

Yeah, a little short of brains.

We'll dine as soon as the
roast is done and the table is set.

Sure thing, grandma.

Guess what? T-Boy and Dwayne
got accepted to Raytown JC.

Good Lord, that college
sure has gone downhill.

I guess now they'll accept
anything that breathes.

What about you? You heard
back from Florida State yet?

Not yet. They gotta accept
me, grandma. They just gotta.

I still don't understand
why in the world

do you wanna go to
college in Tallahassee?

Because, Ms. Harper, Ed
and Eunice live down there.

Like I said, why'd you wanna
go to college in Tallahassee?

Come on, grandma.

It's been so long since
I've seen mom and dad.

I want 'em to get
to know me again.

I wonder if they've
changed much.

Not enough, I'm sure.

Well, I hope I hear
from Florida State soon.

I wanna tell 'em the good news
when they come for graduation.

Just what makes you so
sure they are gonna come?

They're not gonna miss
the big day. I get my diploma.

Especially not since
you're graduating too.

Good Lord, I can't
believe they're makin' us

old night school fogies put on
caps and gowns with you kids.

Well, mama, you
ought to feel proud.

Of what? Graduating
magna-come-lately?

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Well, what the hell?

Well, Thelma, what do you think?

Well, Iola, I think
it's an accordion.

Isn't that the same one you
used to play when we were kids?

- Oh, do you remember that?
- How can we forget?

I just ran across
it this mornin'.

It was boxed up
underneath the pile of bricks

in the back of the garage.

I wonder what made daddy
store it way back there?

Must have been love of music.

Even after all these
years, I still remember

my first recital piece.

- "The Little Wigwam."
- Isn't that interesting?

Well, everybody,
look at the time.

Oh, darn! There's somebody here.

Mama! Mama, mama, hold
it, hold it. Back off, back off.

I think I got this alarm licked.

Watch this.

Come in!

Good afternoon, all.

Doggone it!

- I could go back out.
- No, no, Alan.

Vinton's just havin' a little
security system breakdown.

My, that's quite an
elaborate set up, Vint.

- Does it have a silent alarm?
- So far.

What brings our school teacher
to this neck of the woods?

Yeah, Mr. Hanson, does
it have anything to do

with final grade point averages?

It certainly does.

Mr. Higgins.

Wow! A 2.8.

Bubba, that is a C
plus, I'm impressed!

- Yeah.
- Me too.

- And of course, Mrs. Harper.
- Uh-oh.

My Lord.

All I got is a four.

Well, oh, my! That's a 4.0.
That's a straight A average.

- The highest in the class.
- Oh!

Well, what do you
know about that?

Well, well, my
mama, the egghead.

Way to go, grandma.

Thelma, you better start working
on your graduation speech.

Speech? What are
you talking about?

Well, as the student with
the highest point average

you are the valedictorian.

Congratulations, Ms. Harper.

You get to make a speech
in front of all the graduates.

- Yeah, mama.
- Are you nuts?

I'd be nervous wreck speakin'
in front of all those people.

But, Thelma, you must,
you're the valedictorian.

Lord, why couldn't I be stupid
like the rest of my family?

"Esteemed faculty, welcomed
guests, fellow classmates..."

Oh, well, fine.

- Hello?
- Hi! It's Eunice, mama.

Eunice, where in the world
are you? I can barely hear you.

Well, I'm callin' long distance
from a payphone in the mall.

Does Bubba have a manicure set?

- Does he have a what?
- A manicure set.

They got them on
sale at the Rexall

and I thought it'd make
a perfect graduation gift.

What do you think?

Well, Eunice, I don't
think it really matters much

what you bring Bubba.

It's your being here
that's important.

Oh, mama, we-we can’t make it.

Ed's been workin' on the car

and he says there's too many
hills between here and Raytown.

You listen here, I don't care
if y'all come on pogo sticks

I'll not have that boy's heart
broken at his graduation.

Oh, can the dramatics,
mama. Bubba could care less.

I'll have you know he's
thinkin' about goin' to college

in Tallahassee just to
be close to you and Ed.

What? Oh, mama, don't
you dare send him here!

All we've got is a one room
studio with a broken hotplate

and a bed that
comes out of the wall.

Moved up in the world, have you?

You listen here, old lady

me and Ed aren't
about to play the patsy.

So Bubba can put off growing
up for another four years.

No, sir, it's time for
tough love, mama.

Tough love.

Fine, I'll go put
Bubba on the phone.

We'll just see
how tough you are.

Gotta go, mama.
I'm all out of quarters.

Don't you dare hang
up, you lily-liver. Eunice!

Lord! How in the world
could I have raised

such a hateful, unlovin' mother?

- Hey, mama.
- What the hell do you want?

I finally got this
protecto beam licked.

- Are you ready, Skeeter?
- Ready, baby!

Okay.

Now...

Now, mama, I got
the alarm set on high

so you're gonna
need some protection.

Good Lord, how loud
is this thing gonna be?

Huh?

Never mind!

Okay, Naomi, come on in!

What the hell is the
matter with you two?

Take those things
off so I can yell at ya.

Now, mama, I'm only
doin' this for your protection.

If you want protection, get this
damn thing outta my kitchen.

Bubba, lunch!

Forget about my
lunch. I'm not hungry.

Well, baby, what's the matter?

Nothin'. My life
is over, that's all.

I heard from Florida State.

Oh, Bubba, don't tell
me they rejected you.

They said I should
consider a school

less academically demanding.

Like bartender school.

Hey, I hear you can make
a bundle mixin' drinks.

Will you shut up?

This was my one, big chance
to prove to mom and dad

that I had finally made
somethin' of myself.

Chance for us to
be a family again.

Well, sometimes these
things work out for the best.

Bubba, you don't have to
make somethin' of yourself

to go home to your family.

Yeah, look at me. Mama's
tickled to death to have me here.

You know, m-maybe
you're right, Uncle Vint.

Maybe I can't get into
Florida State, but I bet

Tallahassee has a junior college
that'd accept me in a second.

- That's the spirit, Bubba!
- Yeah.

Then you can live
with Ed and Eunice.

Could we please shut
up and have lunch?

Mmm-mm. Don't these
sandwiches look good?

Can you imagine
mom and dad's faces

when I tell 'em I'm gonna
be movin' in with 'em?

Please, Bubba,
not while I'm eatin'.

Lady and gentleman, the
two best lookin' graduates

of Edgar Allan Poe High School.

Aww!

Well, well.

- Aw, baby, look at them.
- We are so proud of you.

Yeah? This little
tassel is drivin' me nuts.

I feel like the rearview
mirror on somebody's car.

Hey, mom and
dad aren't here yet?

No. Maybe they went
straight to the high school.

Well, I'm sure they'd
come here first.

I hope they're okay.

Oh! Knock it off!

Certainly, Thelma.

I'm sorry but this speech
has just got me nuts.

I'm as wound up
as eight-day clock.

Maybe you'd feel better if
you had a dress rehearsal.

Well, sure, Ms. Harper,
give us your speech.

- We got plenty of time.
- Okay.

I got the whole thing on
card here, just in case I forget.

"Esteemed faculty"

"welcomed guest,
fellow classmates.

"I come before you tonight..."

- Hey!

- "With..."
- That's mom and dad's car!

I'd know it anywhere.

Oh, sh**t! It's just
Mr. Whitaker's lawn mower.

- Do you mind?
- Go ahead, Thelma.

"Esteemed faculty, welcomed
guests, fellow classmates."

"I come before... Before you...

I come before you tonight with
a burnin' question in my heart.

What do you think you're doing?

Callin' the high school to
have 'em page mom and dad.

Will you put those
losers out of your mind

so I can finish my speech?

Do you have to call them losers?

Just once I'd like for
'em to visit without you

gettin' mom all upset.

Me? That woman
is a human land mine

just waitin' to be stepped on.

Don't you dare pick a
fight with her tonight.

How can I? She
isn't even comin'.

What?

Well, she phoned
earlier this week.

They can't make it.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was hopin' she would
have a change of heart.

I'm sorry, Bubba.

Oh... Well, that-that's okay.

It's just... one
night, that's all.

It's no big deal.

I'll be seein' 'em every day
when I move to Tallahassee.

- That's right, Bubba.
- Of course, you will.

Day and night.

Or you could just
stay right here.

Go to Raytown JC
with all of your friends.

I hear it's a wonderful school.

They don't want me in
Florida with 'em, do they?

Bubba, we'll talk all of this
as soon as graduation is over.

Look, just forget about it.

My own parents don't care enough
to be there, then I'm not goin'.

Bubba Higgins, you come
back down here this minute.

Oh, Ms. Harper, he
can't miss his graduation.

Don't worry, I'm
not gonna let him.

You all run along
ahead. I'll bring Bubba.

Thelma, you're
supposed to be there early.

I know that. Find Mr. Hanson
and tell him to stall.

We'll be there as
soon as we can.

Will you quit playing with
your beam and get outta here?

How are you gonna persuade
Bubba to change his mind?

With love, compassion,
and understanding.

Oh!

Bubba, you get your
butt down here right now!

And now, before you
officially receive your diplomas,

I would like you to welcome
a lady whose spirit and gusto

have given new life to
Edgar Allen Poe High.

Your class valedictorian,
Thelma Harper.

There has been a-a
change in the program.

"For your graduation enjoyment,
I give you the keyboard virtuoso

"Ms. Iola Boylen."

Bubba Higgins, I'm warning you

if you make me miss
my graduation speech,

you're not gonna have
a baccalaureate to sit on!

Grandma, I told you a
million times, I'm stayin' home.

Well, I'm not goin' without you.

Look, grandma, there's
no reason for me to go.

Thanks to my lousy mother.

She's my lousy daughter
so I guess there's no need

for me to go either.

Grandma, why are
you doing this to me?

It's my life, it's my
graduation. Just butt out.

You listen here to me, mister.

When your mother dumped
you, you were as wild

as a weed in the junkyard.

It has been up to me
to tend and care for you.

Once in a while throw a
little fertilizer. Well, fine!

Maybe I do go
overboard a little bit

but that's because I
take my job seriously.

- It's not your job.
- Well, somebody's gotta do it.

Just once, I wish
it was my mother.

Bubba...

did I ever tell you about my
brother Clyde's graduation day?

Well, Clyde was the oldest, and
he was always daddy's favorite.

More than anything in the
world, Clyde wanted one of them

brand new a*t*matic .22 r*fles.

They were real
expensive, nearly 50 bucks.

Clyde knew that daddy was
gonna get him one for graduation.

Well, he didn't.

Instead daddy gave
him a brand new Bible.

Clyde was so disappointed, he
wouldn't even speak to daddy.

As a matter of fact, he left
for Amarillo the very next day.

Things never were the same
between he and the old man.

And then years later,
way after daddy passed on

Clyde found that old
Bible up in his attic.

He had never even
taken it out of the box.

He started thumbing through
it, and right there in the middle

was a $50 bill.

You mean, he could
had that r*fle all along?

That's right.

Well, why didn't your
daddy just tell him?

Why didn't Clyde
just read the Bible?

Gee, I hope you weren't tryin'
to cheer me up with this story.

No, Bubba, I was tryin' to
show you that sometimes

we can spend years searchin'
for something that we had all along.

Just because it didn't come in
the package that we expected.

Yeah, but what does all
this have to do with me?

Well, Bubba, I know
that I'm not your mother.

And Lord knows I would
never want to take her place.

Well, let's face it, baby,
I'm what you've got

and for what it's worth, I
couldn't be any prouder

of you or love you any more
if you were my very own.

Thanks, grandma.

Now, can we please get the
hell outta here and go graduate?

We can.

Oh, my Lord, I bet Naomi
put my car keys in her purse.

- Oh, no.
- As if we're not late enough.

Hey, I know. We can
take my motor scooter.

- Come on.
- Oh, hell, Bubba.

How am I gonna
keep my gown down?

♪♪ Row row row your boat ♪♪

♪♪ Row row row your boats ♪♪
♪♪ Gently down the stream ♪♪

♪♪ Gently down the stream ♪♪
♪♪ Merrily merrily merrily ♪♪

♪♪ Merrily merrily merrily ♪♪
♪♪ Life is but a dream ♪♪

♪♪ Life is but a dream ♪♪

Everybody, altogether now.

♪♪ Row row row your boat ♪♪

♪♪ Row row row your boats ♪♪
♪♪ Gently down the stream ♪♪

♪♪ Gently down the stream ♪♪
♪♪ Merrily merrily merrily ♪♪

♪♪ Life is but a dream ♪♪
♪♪ Merrily merrily merrily ♪♪

♪♪ Life is but a dream ♪♪♪♪

Let's have a nice round
of applause for Iola Boylen

and her friends, and
their salute to Mitch Miller.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

And now...

And now, a few words
from our class valedictorian

Thelma Harper.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Esteemed faculty

Uh, welcomed guests,
fellow classmates.

I'd like to just begin
with a word to the wise.

Don't ever try to put
a motorcycle helmet

on top of your graduation cap.

Well, I had a real fancy
speech planned for tonight

but I lost all my
notes on the interstate.

Uh, which brings me to my
second little piece of advice.

Don't ever rehearse a speech
on the back of a motor scooter

goin' 80 miles an hour.

So...

uh, I stand here before
you tonight, gazing out

over all of your
bright, young faces

wonderin' what it is I
can say to inspire you

that you haven't already heard.

Actually this reminds me of
my brother Clyde's graduation.

Clyde was the oldest,
and my daddy's favorite.

Well, Clyde was a hunter.

And more than
anything in the world

Clyde wanted one of them
brand new a*t*matic .22 r*fles.

Well, unbelievably
expensive, nearly 50 bucks...

Boy, I cannot wait
to get out of this

hot gown into a cold beer.

Mama, it works. It works!

Well, I can hear that,
you goon! Now turn it off!

I-I can't, it's stuck.

Pull the plug, you moron!

Oh, thank goodness, that
awful noise has stopped.

Hey, Thelma, what about a
little post-graduation sing-along?

Sure, Iola. Sing
along with this.