01x02 - A Human Female

[bunniefuu]

Now that I know I want Julia
to be my girlfriend someday,

I've decided to look nice
whenever I see her.

That kind of thing is important to
girls, but looking nice is hard.

Yeah. Look at you.

Cock of the walk.

You know, because of your hair.

That makes no sense.

I look nothing like a rooster.
Roosters don't even have hair.

They have a coxcomb, which is fleshy.

Whoa, whoa, that's like what, the...

what, the red thing on a chicken's head?

Yes.

Coxcomb.

That's a funny word.

As far as birds go,
chickens aren't as cool as penguins,

but they have some interesting habits.

In a natural setting,
a rooster will entice hens into mating

by spreading his feathers
and performing a demonstrative dance.

Jeez!

Don't sneak up. You made me overzest.
Why so jumpy?

I know. I couldn't help myself.

These lemon squares look delicious.
They're not for you.

They're for group.
All right, okay.

Okay, they look fantastic.

You may see him dip one wing

and dance around the female
in a circular pattern.

sh*t, Casey.

That's a grown-ass man right there.

Are you banging,
or are you still in handy land?

Yeah, right.
Casey's a total prude.

She's never even kissed a boy.

You didn't mention a boyfriend. How could
you not tell me you have a boyfriend?

We're just hanging out.

Mm-hmm.
Hanging out with his d*ck.

Are you?

Hanging out with his d*ck.
No. Sharice.

Go away.

But enticing human girls
into mating

or just being your girlfriend
takes different skills.

It requires research.

You can't just ask a girl out.

You have to learn the important things
about her first.

What's your favorite type of lemonade?

Uh, regular?

Do you like movies?

Yes. I love them.

Do you have any fears or phobias?

Nope.
What are your favorite winter sports?

Well,
we have been snowshoeing a couple times.

"We"? As in you and your mom.

Me and my boyfriend.

Snowshoeing was his idea.

I hate the cold.

You have a boyfriend?

Mm-hmm. Miles.

Anyway, it's great that you're
showing so much interest in others.

We've been working on that.

But how about we get back
to you?

Now,
when Mr. Tavern's voice bothers you...

When I was younger,
if I got upset or stressed,

I would hit or bang my head or yell.

Now I try to use replacement
behaviors instead.

Sam.

Is everything okay?

Want to talk?

Maybe I should talk to Mom.

That's usually how things go around
here, but Mom has her group tonight.

Okay? Maybe I can help.

I like a girl.

Really?

That's good. What's she like?

She's smart, and she's pretty.

And she has a boyfriend... Miles.

Stupid Miles!

Well, that sucks.

But, you know,
it's not the end of the world.

Mom had a boyfriend
when I first met her.

She did?
This guy Gerald Redenbach.

He had a Jeep and a golden retriever

that wore a bandanna.

She thought he was so cool.

And y-you stole Mom away from him?

Something like that.

How?

I just... stuck around,

being my sweet, charming self.

And that worked?

Well, proof is in the pudding, right?

I don't like pudding.

Well, forget the pudding.

The point is,
is you're young, Sam, you know.

Relationships, they come and they go.

She might have a boyfriend this week
and next week, who knows?

Does that make sense?

Yes.

I should make myself available
in case Miles goes away or dies.

Or they break up amicably.

Okay. I'll do that.

You should.

I think this went well.

Me, too.

I know we're always, um...

talking in here about, you know,

taking time for ourselves

and I did.

I took a dance class. Silly.

Um...

The teacher thought I was really good.

Really silly. But she did say that.

And this is nuts, but afterwards,

we all went to a bar, and I met a guy.

I mean, not a guy-guy.
I'm married. You all know Doug.

Not really, he doesn't come to these,
they're not his "thing."

Whose thing are they?

It's not like we come here
for the fun of it.

No offense.

I like you guys.

Marjorie, you.

Um, so, Sam. Anyway. Um...

Sam is... he had a good week, you know?

But the thing is, at this bar,

for the first time since,
probably, Sam was diagnosed,

I wasn't worried or scared.

I was just having fun

with a group of strangers

who had nothing to do with autism.

And, again, I love you guys.

But this guy, this bartender I met,

he is so...

his life is so crazy!

And risk-taking and ordinary, you know?

And I just...
I realized that that's, um...

It's just a life Sam's never gonna have.

So, um...

I don't know. I just...

I made lemon squares, um...

so don't anybody be shy.

They're overzested.

Your dad's right, bro. A girl is
fair game until there's a ring on it.

A wedding ring.

An engagement ring means she's ready
for one more mistake.

Okay, this is perfect.

Watch this.

Sometimes I wish I was smooth,
like Zahid.

Of all the people I know,
he's the best at girls.

And that's how you do it.

Now I'm gonna hide in the back,

'cause that guy said he's gonna kick
my ass, and he has a neck tattoo, so...

How's stuff with you?

How's Doug?
Oh, we had a date night.

Which was a total disaster.
Mm-hmm.

Every time we have a moment, I ruin it.

Stop it! You're doing great, okay?

I have to say that you're a saint for
sticking with him, after what he did.

Shh!

That was a long time ago.

How's Christopher? I meant to ask you,
since he's been mainstreamed.

He's having a regression.

Aw.

Having anger issues.

Have you tried music therapy?

Because I met this woman last year,
at the Autism Walk,

and I think I might still have her card.

She has this whole studio.

She's a little bit punk rock,
but cute as a button.

And...

Oh, no.
What's wrong?

My credit card's...

Cancel card.

What's going on?
Ugh!

I have to cancel the Visa.

I left it at that bar after dance class.

You're wearing that sweatshirt?

What's wrong with it?
Nothing.

I don't understand
why you do all that working out

if you're not gonna flaunt
your cute figure.

Oh, my God.
You want me to dress sluttier?

Why are you canceling it?

Identity theft.

Sweetie, it was a compliment.
You're adorable under all that bulk.

Bye!

The bar is ten minutes away.
Just pick it up.

No. I'm not gonna add another chore
to my to-do list.

But all the bills are on autopay.

Switching everything, that's gonna be
like ten chores right there.

You want me to pick it up?

I'll get it on my way to work.
No!

Um, you know what?

It's my mistake.

I'll take care of it.
You sure?

I'm sorry that I snapped at you.

No. I don't even hear it anymore.

Coach Briggs. You wanted to see me?

Yep. Come in, sit.

Okay.

We need to powwow.

If this is about my suspension,
I'm so sorry.

I really...
This team is very important to me,

and I would never do anything
to mess that up.

Gardner, look at this office.

My life is not awesome.

Do you know the one thing
that brings me joy?

Other than the failures of my brother?

It is girls with actual talent.

Like you!
Mm-hmm.

I took a risk bringing you
onto varsity so young.

Don't make me regret it.
I won't.

And if there's anything that I can do
to make it up to you...

There is.

The girl you went gangster on was
our biggest booster's daughter.

Every year, her parents charter us a bus
to get us to semis,

but this year they won't do it
until you apologize to their kid.

Apologize?

Shouldn't she for what she did to Beth?

It's up to you.

Your teammates won't be thrilled
when they find out they lost their bus.

But you're probably fine.

People always talk about how nice

and humane teenage girls are
to each other.

Anyway, I shouldn't have punched you
in the face,

no matter how shitty you were being,
and I am sorry.

Your eye's looking better.
It's almost normal.

Wow. You suck at apologies.

Yeah, I know that about myself.
So are we cool?

Look,
I know your brother has major problems.

You must have a lot of anger about that.

You should get a stress ball.

Look, I know you're only apologizing
to me to get your bus back.

I accept that. Bus is yours.

No number twos in the bathroom.

Oh, and, um...

I heard you're seeing Evan Chapin.

That is so brave.

Most people would be scared to go there.

But not you.

Bye!

I need my lunch money.

God, I hate that skank!

Skank? Do you mean she's promiscuous?

No, she's just annoying.

Why do you make things so literal?
God, you suck!

Find me if you don't have anyone
to eat with.

Okay.

Class is in session.

You want to know how to steal a girl?

Well, get your GPS ready,
because I'm taking you to Poon City.

That's not a real place.

Yes, it is. And I'm the mayor.

Step one, be hella charming.

Julia, did you know that,
when Roald Amundsen trekked Antarctica,

he would feed his weaker sled dogs
to the stronger ones

so they could travel more efficiently?

He made them cannibalize each other.

What?

What's your favorite meal?

Step two, find out what sucks
about her current boyfriend.

But be subtle about it.

Julia, what are Miles's
three biggest weaknesses?

Feel free to list more than three,
if you have them.

And step three,
the most important thing:

chocolate...

covered...

strawberries.

Makes girls horny as hell,
and that's science.

Science requires empirical evidence.

The evidence is her panties
on the floor of my kitchenette.

That's anecdotal and pseudoscientific.

Just get the damn berries, homey.

Hey.

Oh, cool shirt. Pharcyde.

I saw those guys in '96.

I was the whitest guy in the audience.

You may be the whitest guy everywhere.
I'll get you a drink in five when we open.

I'm not here for a drink.
I'm here to pick up a credit card.

The name is Elsa Gardner.

Look, man, this is gonna sound
like I'm being a d*ck,

but I can only give
it to the cardholder.

It's policy.

Can you make an exception for a guy
trying to score points with his wife?

We had a meeting about it last week.

I really can't.
Come on, man.

Look, I'm gonna call her.

You could talk to her, just to verify.

I understand.

Hey, hon. What's going on?

Babe, hey, I'm at the bar.

Trying to get your credit card.
Can you talk to this guy?

Just talk to her. She'll tell you.

Hello. It's Nick.

There's no one there.

Hello?

So you won't help me out?
Sorry. I really can't.

Thanks for everything.

Hey.

Do you know why Evan got kicked out
of school?

Well, we don't know for sure.

But there are a lot of rumors.

I heard he was selling meth to all
the band kids, and that's why they suck.

I heard he had sex with Courtney B's
mom, and Courtney A walked in on them.

I heard he dressed as a wolf
for Halloween and ate a sheep.

That's probably not true.
I don't know. People eat gross stuff.

It must've been bad
for him to get arrested.

Arrested?
Yeah.

You never heard any of this?

Casey's just a sophomore.
Yeah. I forget.

Superstar's still just a baby.

Little baby.

When you feel the b*at droppin'

When you feel the b*at droppin'

In science, observable evidence
plays a key role in discovery.

Yo, brotha.

When you feel the b*at droppin',
move

When you feel the b*at droppin',
move

When you feel the b*at droppin',
move

But to really understand it,

you have to ask questions.

Excuse me. Bailey?

I'm the boy whose sister punched you.

I noticed yesterday you were kissing
Henry and today, you're kissing Arlo.

And I was wondering, how did he woo you?

And, please, be specific.

Dude, what the hell?

I'm doing research
on how to steal a woman,

and Bailey is the perfect test subject,
because she's a skank.

Hey!

So you're doing research
on how to steal a woman? Awesome!

Arlo, be nice.

You tryin' to get laid?
You gonna tap some ass?

I don't think so. What does that do?

No. He means p*ssy, bro.

I'm not a fan of cats.

I mean, I guess cats are okay.

I'm more into birds than felines

and, especially,
I'll say flightless birds are cool.

What kind of girl you lookin' for?

Or do you wanna bang a flightless bird?

Of course not.

A human!
A fe... a human female!

That's enough, guys.

People think I don't know
when I'm being picked on, but I do.

I just don't always know why, which,

in some ways, is worse.

No, just read it out.

We'll keep it a secret between us.

Can he handle a girl like Bailey?

You trust me?

Tell us who she is.
We'll keep it a secret. Just between us.

Come on.

It's all good.
Who's the lucky girl?

Come on.
Oh, my... Guys, leave him alone!

He's not all there!

Chinstrap, Emperor, Gentoo.
Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor, Gentoo.

Adelie, Chinstrap, Emperor, Gentoo.

Honey?

Is everything all right?
No, it's not.

I had to pick him up at school.
There was an incident.

He's been silent. He won't talk to me.

He's locked in his room.
I don't know what's going on.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Sam, can I come in?

Sam, honey, thank God. Are you okay?

I want to talk to Dad.

Really?

Right.

Sure. Of course, honey.

We've been getting along lately.

It's what you wanted, right?

Yeah. It's great.

It's really good. Really good. Um...

so I should just...

Go to the bar and get your credit card.

Okay? And, by the time you get back,
we'll either be better,

or we'll really need your help.

Call if you need me.

Nobody needs you, Mom.

Hey.

Did, um, something happen at school?

Yes.

You wanna talk about it?

Yes.

Okay.

Now?

I was doing what you said

and formulating a plan to steal a woman.

Those weren't exactly my words.

And I was simply taking notes,

and these guys were laughing at me

and asking questions,
and I don't know what was funny.

But then they kept laughing harder

and then Bailey Bennet...

Well, I am all there. I am!

I know you are.

Some kids are just assholes, Sam.

That's just the way it is.

But even the assholes get girlfriends.

It's easy for everybody, but not me.

No, it's not.

Trust me. It's hard for everybody.

Not you. You stole Mom
from the boy with the Jeep.

Look, maybe I made that seem
a little bit too easy.

Even after your mom got rid
of that other goofball,

she sh*t me down like ten times, okay?

That's just the way it works.

The point is, is you just don't give up.

So,
you think I could get a girl to like me?

Of course I do.

Then we're gonna need
some chocolate-covered strawberries.

Hey, Mr. Free Spirit.

Climb any mountains lately?

Oh. I'm sorry!

I thought you were someone else. Um...

I left my card here the other night.

Elsa Gardner?

Gardner. Here you go.

Yep! That's me.

Great.

Yeah. That's what I came here for, so...

Excuse me.

Is Nick here?

Sir?

Is Nick here?
He's around somewhere.

You say you've got the touch

But I think you talk too much

'Cause I swear I'll make you blush

Girl, I won't get flattered

'Cause it doesn't even matter

You think you know so much, but

I think you're out of touch

I don't wanna be next to you

'Cause I can't stand
A single thing you do

Oh.

All right. You're gonna get out of the
car and give that girl those strawberries.

Then the ball's in her court.
You've done all you can.

Go get her, Sam.

I am. That's why we're here.

No, no, no, no.

Sam. Sam!

No, no, no, no. Sam! Sam!

Sam! What are you doing?
What do you mean?

You can't climb through
people's windows.

Well, I couldn't ring the doorbell.

Her boyfriend works weird hours,

so she doesn't like people at the door
'cause he may be sleeping.

It's one of their rules.

I like rules.

They make things clear.

Before I do something,
I like to know all the rules.

A boyfriend?
What teenager lives with her boyfriend?

Julia's not a teenager. She's 263/4.

Julia, your therapist? Sam, let's go.

Get out. Come on, let's go! Let's go!

Come on!

In the animal kingdom,
attraction is a simple biological fact.

We have to go.

It's us humans
who make it complicated.

Whoa! This is a nice backyard!

You could put a pool back here.

Above-ground pools are cheap.

You could build a deck around it, make
it feel like a in-ground pool and...

That's sort of all I've gotta say
about pools.

But...

maybe you could talk now?

Okay.

Why did you get kicked out of my school?

What?

I heard you got kicked out,
and everybody has a theory.

What did you do?

Did you steal the principal's car?
Were you freebasing in the chem lab?

No, nothing like that.
What happened?

It doesn't matter.
It was a long time ago.

Well, it matters to me.
Why?

I can't get in trouble and if
I keep hanging out with you, I will.

Why can't you just tell me?
Because it's stupid.

Okay, just go home.
Come on, Casey!

I stole a tuba!

What?

I stole a tuba.

And a trombone.

And then a couple saxophones.

I broke into the band room
one day after school,

and I took some musical instruments.

And then I tried to pawn them.

I didn't really have a good reason why.

They left the band room unlocked.
I guess that's the reason.

Anyway, never mind.

Ninety minutes later,
cops are at my door.

They put me in cuffs.

And since I stole stuff from the school

that I go to, you know, like a genius...

I also got expelled.

So there it is.

That's the full story.
I hope you're happy.

Are you serious?
You stole musical instruments?

That's what you did?
Yeah. I told you it was stupid.

Why are you laughing?

Because that is hilarious!

Because everyone thinks you're,
like, a total badass.

How did you carry them all?
I brought my wagon.

God, this just gets better and better.

I can't believe you're laughing
at me right now.

I knew that was a mistake. I shouldn't
have told you. You know what?

I gotta pick up my sister
from the library.

I didn't mean...

Evan, wait.

What?

Whoa.

I know.

Well, I should go.

Feels like awkward timing now, but I...

Yeah, you should.

Yeah, go.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That dart was awfully pointy and sharp.

You think there'd be, like,
regulations, you know,

about things like that
in a public place.

It's a health hazard, right?

Totally agree.

Well, you have inebriated people

throwing weapons across a room.

I mean, it's kinda dangerous, right?

Um...
Yeah?

I can't really get at the...
What?

Your shirt's in the way.

Of course. Yeah.

There you go.

Ah!

Okay. Okay.

Put a little Neosporin on it.

Your Neosporin's expired.

This stuff doesn't go bad.

Uh-huh. Right.

They just have so much room
on that tiny, one-inch tube

that they put non-pertinent,
haphazard information.

I've never met anyone like you.

Huh.

And you're all set.

You can put your shirt back on.

You know, we should exchange numbers.

Just in case there's side effects
from that expired Neosporin.

Listen, I really think you need
to let this thing with Julia go.

Why?

First, she's a lot older than you.

Plus, if you tell her how you really
feel, it's gonna be a conflict of interest

and she's not gonna be able
to be your therapist anymore.

But I need her as my therapist.

Well, great.

Then you should start dating someone
your own age.

Like a practice girlfriend
before I date Julia?

No. I wouldn't call it that.

When Roald Amundsen
first explored Antarctica,

he took several practice journeys
over easier terrain.

It's the logical thing to do.

And when I get enough experience
with other girls,

then I can date Julia
and she can stop being my therapist.

Or you could find a girl your own age.

That's your sweet spot. Plus, those are
the girls that are gonna like you, too.

That's excellent advice. Thank you.

Anytime.

Hey, Dad?

Are you gonna tell Mom about Julia?

You want me to?

No, thank you.

All right, well, then it's between us.

I'm not trying to brag here,
but I had a really good day with Sam.

You know, he's a good kid.

What happened to your arm?

Oh, nothing.

I just scraped it on
a nail in the garage.

You gotta show me where it is
so I can pound it down.

Did you put something on it?
Yeah, Neosporin.

It was expired, but...

That stuff doesn't expire.

It just gets less effective
the more it sits around.

What's that for?

'Cause I'm such a good dad?

Yeah, you're Super Dad.
Yeah?

You gonna get me a cape
that says "Super Dad"?

Not now. Get the light.

Mm.

Human behavior is less like
a chicken and more like an albatross.

No matter how far an albatross flies,
it always returns home.

Unless it flies too close to the water
and gets eaten by a tiger shark.

Now in my younger days

I used to sport a sha-a-a-a-a-g

When I went to school,
I carried lunches in a ba-a-g

With a apple for my teacher
'Cause I knew I'd get a kiss

Always got ma-a-d

When the class was dismissed

But when it was in session

I always had a question

I would raise my hand
To make her stagger to my desk

And help me with my problem
It was never much

Just a trick to smell her scent
And try to sneak a touch

Ohhh,
how I wish I could hold her hand

And give her a hug
She was married to the man, a thug

His name was Lee, he drove a Z

He'd pick her up from school
Promptly at three o'clock

I was on her jock Yes, indeedy

I wrote graffiti on the bus

First, I'd write her name

Then carve a plus
With my name la-a-st

On the looking glass
I seen her yesterday

But, still,
I had to let her pass