01x04 - A Nice Neutral Smell

[bunniefuu]

Eggs.

We need eggs.

Eggs!

Welcome to Valley Marketplace,

where we always treat you like family,

even if you're a cheating whore.

Register seven is now open for business,

just like Elsa Gardner's vag*na.

That will be 46.39.

I cheated on my husband.

Okay.

Aren't you that one kid's mom?

No.

Gonna break that record, superstar?

Don't jinx it.

And yes.

In nature, animals sprint at top speed

when escaping a predator.

I don't know why Casey does it.

Oh, crap. That Nelly Gutierrez
from Clayton Prep is running today.

I was hoping she'd still be hurt.
Young bones heal too fast.

Because humans are weak and slow,
we can't outrun anything.

Who's calling you?
Luisa from group.

Oh!

Sugar. I'll be right back.

Girls 400 meter.
The race is starting!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be right back.

Let's go, sweetie!

Let's go, Case!

Few people know the deadliest
mankiller is not a large beast,

like a lion or a tiger or cheetah.

Set.

It's a small annoying one
that's impossible to outrun

the mosquito.

Oh.

Aah! What are you doing? Oh!
Sam, what are you doing?

Sam, let go.

What is happening?
Let her go! Sam, let go!

Ow! Ow!
Sorry. Aw, crap.

Sam, it's okay. Hold on.
Whoa.

Put pressure on it.

Let's go to first aid. Sorry.

Oh, Jesus.

Yes!

Yes!
You broke the record!

Yes!

You broke the record!
I'm good at my job!

Not the teaching history part,
but this yes!

Good job. Good job.

Yeah, man.

How'd this happen?
Weren't you paying attention?

I was watching the race,
and everything happened so fast.

And I was watching the race...

I can't believe that I hurt my own kid.

Okay, sweetie. You couldn't have predicted
he would grab that girl's ponytail.

You would have.

Probably.

But, you know, it's my fault.

I should have been there,
and I'm really sorry.

Hey, guys.
Hey!

What did you think of the race?
Great.

You were so fast!
You were like a human car.

Yeah, vroom.
Amazing.

You didn't see it. No.
No, we didn't.

Sam had a major incident.
He cut his hand.

He was very upset.
Honey...

I bought these with my own money,
so you can't have one. Please don't ask.

Hey!

I didn't ask.

I feel like I keep messing up with you.

It's okay. Don't worry about it.

Sam had a thing. I get it.
Yeah. It was a bad thing.

Mmhmm.

He's sitting on the floor right now.

So, I guess my hair did this,
and he grabbed it,

and I couldn't even move...

Hi, Sam.

I was actually just gonna ask you if...

I can't hear you.
I'm wearing noisecanceling headphones.

Oh, that's okay.

I was gonna ask you
if maybe you wanted...

You can shout all you want,
but I still can't hear you.

These are topoftheline.

Just
Can you take them off for just a second?

Hi. So I saw that we had
a biology test coming up,

and... I don't know,
I was just thinking that maybe

we could study together.

Why would I want to do that?

I'm getting an "A" in biology,
and you're getting an "A" minus.

That wouldn't benefit me at all.

Okay.

I just wanted to say thank you.

Yes, they're beautiful,
but they still don't explain

how a chocolatecovered strawberry
ended up in our living room.

I did not!
That's not a snack you forget about.

It's a fancy fruit!

It's a sex fruit, Miles!

Because you obviously bought them
for someone,

and I want to know who.

Thank you, again. I have to go.

But we'll discuss this matter later.

Hi, Sam.
Someone sent you flowers.

Was it Miles?
Yes.

Why? Is it a special occasion?

No, just to be nice.

Well, if he wanted to be nice,

he should've gotten you
your favorite flower ranunculus.

Pretty flower, bad name.

I can't believe you've remembered that.

So, how are you?

The last time you were here,
we were talking about girls.

How's it going with dating?

Bad. Bad, bad, bad.

Most girls still completely ignore me,
even when I'm wearing a leather jacket.

Except Paige.
Who's Paige?

An annoying girl who's always bothering
me when I'm wearing my headphones,

and she wants me to study with her
even though we're both getting "A"s.

It sounds like she might like you.

Oh.

Well, I... I guess I should
make her my girlfriend then.

You just said that she was annoying.

Does that matter?

Yes.

You need to figure out if you like her,
Sam.

How?

Maybe get to know her a little better
and then weigh the pros and cons.

That's what I did when I went
to the pet store to get a turtle.

There was one with larger feet,

but Edison was younger
with a more intricate shell pattern.

But I'll never find a girlfriend
as good as Edison.

You never know.

This is gonna be good. I'm excited.

You've tried to get me back
to this group for years.

I'm glad you're coming.

Me too.

What?
Nothing.

And I know it may seem silly
to be celebrating a 15yearold

making a threeword sentence,
but, honestly,

it was one of the topfive moments
of my life.

We had a pizza party.

Okay, that is not silly at all.

That is a huge breakthrough.

You know, it is so easy for those of us
with higherfunctioning kiddos

to forget what it's like
for some of our other parents.

Doug, it's nice to see you. Do you
have anything you'd like to share?

I okay.

Um...

Yeah, I'm here because I want
to continue to work on my skills

with our son Sam,

who's one of the more
higherfunctioning kiddos.

Um... you know, we've been
getting along lately, and, um...

we had a incident the other day...

that was upsetting,

at our daughter Casey's track meet.

And Sam grabbed this girl's ponytail,

and I honestly didn't know what to do.

Mmhmm.
And...

And then this girl was screaming,
and my autistic kid was...

Oh, Doug, so sorry. But we actually
prefer to use peoplefirst language here.

Okay.

What?

So, we don't say "autistic kid."

We say "kid with autism,"

person before diagnosis.

He doesn't know that because it's just,
we don't do that at our house.

So, it's really my bad.
We probably should.

No, it...
I mean, I know it, but I just...

Anyway, it doesn't matter.
No. Go, Doug.

You know,
the whole thing really threw me off

because we'd been getting along well.

And he's been seeing a therapist lately.

And I felt like he was getting better.

Oh, so sorry to interrupt you again,

but, um,
there is no getting better in autism.

It's a neurological condition,

not a curable disease.

So, that's the difference.

He didn't mean that in a negative way,
Kathy.

Of course not.
I just meant he's been a lot less...

you know, you know, "aah."

What Doug means... He means that Sam

is having more success
using his replacement behaviors

in response to environmental stimuli.

Well, that is great news.

Doug,
would you like to add anything else?

No, I'm good. Thank you.

Applause for Doug.

It's really great that you came.

Julia says you shouldn't
jump into a relationship

all willynilly.

I looked up "willynilly" online,

and it means reckless.

So I decided to conduct
a brutal examination

of Paige's pros and cons.

I'm glad you changed your mind
about studying together.

I mean, because it's very difficult
to find equally

academicallymotivated peers these days.

I don't usually talk when I study.

Oh.

Okay.

Silent studying it is.

Oh! You know what I really like to do
when I'm studying?

It helps me remember things.

I like to make things into a rap,

like world history.

When was the
French and Indian w*r?

Oh, that was 1754

Was it not 1763?

Nah, that's when they signed
The peace treaty

Are you writing stuff about me?
Yes.

Can I can I see it?

No.

I have a confession to make.

I have missed your little faces.

And your big face.

So, I'm gonna make
a very special family dinner

with all your favorite foods.

Doug, apple pie a la mode.

Yes! From scratch?

Oh, yeah, from scratch.

Ah.
Sam, chicken fingers.

From the box?
From the box.

And, Casey, baconwrapped figs.

I haven't eaten pork in two years.
Then figs.

Can my special dish be "not coming"?

Nope.
They were all out of that at the market.

It's tomorrow night,
so be there or be square.

Sam, how's your arm? Is it okay?

Yes, and you've asked me that six times.

It was fine then.
Why would it be different now?

Honey, he seems okay.

Stop b*ating up on yourself.

You know?

Jesus! What's the matter with you?

Static.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Julia.

Doug Gardner. I'm Sam's father.

Oh! Hi, Doug!

We met before.
Yeah, sorry.

I wasn't expecting to see anyone.
That's okay.

This is my neighborhood hideout spot.
Oh, yeah, you live around here?

Yeah, I moved to the neighborhood
for these cookies.

Well, they look good.

Well, good to see you.

Yeah. Hey, Doug?

I just wanted you to know,

and I don't think
I'm breaking any rules here...

you've been really helpful
to Sam with dating stuff.

So...

I don't know,
just keep doing what you're doing.

Oh, well, I'm trying.

You know, I had a rough couple of days.

I actually went to Elsa's support group

to try to talk,

but they told me
that I was using the wrong words.

Let me guess.
They were big on peoplefirst language.

Yeah, well,
it doesn't make a difference, right?

I mean, he's still autistic.
Doesn't change how he is in the world.

And how he is in the world
can make it hard sometimes,

but I think it's important
to celebrate the small victories.

That's a good point. I appreciate that.

Hey, you want to sit?

Sure.
You planning on finishing that cookie?

No, go ahead.

"Thick hair like arctic fox.

Doesn't have braces.

Was once on local news.

Pronounces it 'apericot.'"

What the hell is this?

I'm making a prosandcons list
to figure out if I like Paige.

Oh. Let me just add one more thing.

Hey! Why'd you do that?
There's only one list you need.

She's a girl who wants
to touch your peen.

That's not a list.

Julia said I need
to figure out if I like Paige,

if I'm gonna make her
my practice girlfriend,

so that's what I'm doing.

Fine. How well do you know her?

We mostly study in school.

Ah. That's your problem.

You're in a sterile,
controlled environment.

You need to get her out into the world,

see how she reacts to the unexpected,

throw her a few curveballs.

You want me to throw balls at Paige?

No. Dude, come on...

You're so lucky you have me.

I just think that you might have
graded this incorrectly,

because I know that I learned it right.

Algebra is easy
It's purely mathematical

To isolate the "X,"
You remove it from the radical

My mom and I have been working
on that all week.

Paige?
Yeah?

Would you like to hang out,
not in school?

Shut up.
Are you kidding me? Yes!

Okay. Here's my address.

I can't drive because
my natural instinct is to close my eyes,

but you can take the bus to Churchill
and walk six blocks,

or you can take an
Uber if you're over 18,

per their policy
I reviewed this morning.

Okay.

I need my lunch money.

I asked a girl out.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Why?

I assume she said no.

No, she said yes.
Really?

Oh, I'm sorry for her.

Coach Briggs, you wanted to see me?

Yes. Gardner, this is Shelby Pines.

She's the athletic director
of Clayton Prep.

Hi.

I saw your impressive win on Saturday.
You smoked the competition.

Do you need me to pee in a cup?

No.

Actually, I've been keeping tabs
on you for a while now.

You're very strong in the 400,

and the way you anchored that relay
tipped the scales for your team.

There were four of us.
The other girls are really fast, too.

Not like you. That's why Clayton Prep
would like to recruit you.

Gardner,
I think of you like a daughter...

much to the chagrin of my real daughter,

who can't run fast at all.

I think you should at least
consider this opportunity.

They want to recruit you?
Yeah.

Whoa!
I know. It's crazy, right?

Yeah.
Clayton is the best school in the state.

And their girls go to Division
I colleges and the Olympics,

and they had a girl that was in
a Nike commercial. She outran a tornado.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

But, I mean, really,
I'm not gonna go there.

Like, that school's all rich and fancy.

It's, like, it's so not me.

Well, you know, good,

'cause Clayton's like an hour away.

We'd never see each other.
Yeah.

And then you would miss me,
and then you'd be distracted,

and you'd fail all your classes,

and then, you know, you'd be homeless.

And then I'd have to make Spam
sandwiches and deliver them to you

at whatever bus stop you'd be living in.

And, trust me, nobody wants that.

You want to go, don't you?

Shut up.

Are your parents cool
with me coming to dinner?

I'm pretty sure your dad hates me.

Yeah, they're fine with it...

'cause they don't know.

Damn it, Casey.

Hey, Mrs. Gardner.

Evan.

Wow.

What a nice surprise.
Hey, hi. Yeah.

We have cheese.

Help yourself. And figs.

Oh. Love figs.

All kids do.

Casey, this is a family dinner.

I've been cooking all day.
This is important to me.

Only you would invite someone
to a family dinner

without even asking.

Sam... and friends.

So many people!
This is awesome.

Zahid's my friend.

Paige is just a girl from school.

Come on in. You know the drill.

I certainly do.

So strong. Thank you.

Well, it's very nice to meet you all.

Evan.
Mr. Gardner.

Dad.

Why are we all saying
each other's names?

Guys, why don't you go sit on the sofa
and talk amongst yourselves?

And I'll be there in a minute.

Maybe tell an embarrassing story
about yourself that nobody else knows.

We did that as an icebreaker
at Sam's camp last summer

and, boy, were there some red faces.

Okay.

Ay, yai, yai.
These kids are a pain in the ass.

Did we make enough food?

You are adorable.

Yes, we did.

Ah. I know you wanted
to have a small family dinner,

but the good news is
Sam has two friends.

Sam has two friends.

Julia says we got
to celebrate the small victories.

You talked to Julia?

No. But Sam always says
that she says that.

Yeah, I say stuff like that, too.
I know. You say it better than her.

Come here.

What are you wearing?
A jacket, weirdo.

Take it off.
Why? I'm cold.

There are a lot of people here now.

The room's gonna heat up.
I know Zahid runs hot.

What?

Here's what we're gonna do.

A series of random
and unsynchronized tests

to determine whether Paige has
what it takes to be your bae.

I don't understand your methods, Zahid,
but I trust you.

Check it.

Hey, Paige, think fast.

I'll get it.

Subpar reflexes, dude.

Physical prowess isn't important to me.

My apologies, Casey.

Hi. Could I use your powder room?

Yeah, if you stop talking
like the queen of England.

The one that flushes is upstairs.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Cheerio.

Something weird happened
at school today.

Why do you smell like smoke?

I don't know.
No, your, uh...

Your jacket reeks.

You been...
You been smoking around my daughter?

Cigarettes? No.

What do you mean, "Cigarettes? No."?
You been smoking something else?

Dad.
I'm sure it was someone else.

I mean, everyone at that school smokes.

It's like an episode of Mad Men.

Maybe it's a little... a little doobage?

Huh? Blunt? Kush?

Since it's clearly, like, bothering you,
why don't we just honey?

Sorry, what?

We're just gonna take it off.

What? What the hell are you doing?

Okay. Get this...

Are you serious?
Right.

Yeah, much better.

I like the smell of smoke.

Reminds me of my Uncle Rashid when
he used to give me sips of his beer.

He's got a Corvette.

Sorry to interrupt, everybody.

Apparently, I kind of do that a lot.

Some would even say it's one
of my worst qualities, so...

So, anyway,
Coach called me into his office today

Mrs. Gardner, I was just gonna ask you
to pass the iced tea,

but, you know,
I didn't want to sound bossy.

Brown Sugar...
Brown Sugar to Penguin,

the hyena has the scroll.

She knows.

Is everything okay?

Well, to be honest with you,
no, it's not.

I found the pros and cons list
that you made about me.

No, he wouldn't do that, would you?

I would, and I did.

You wrote a burn book about the
only girl that's ever liked you?

That's hilarious!

What are you laughing at, Cheech?
He did say you have very clean shoes.

You've read it too, I see.

How many people have you showed this to,
Sam?

Oops, made it worse.

Why would you make a list about Paige?

To help me decide if I want her
to be my girlfriend or not.

Girlfriend?

Okay, I... I should probably go.

This was a lovely dinner, though,
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner.

So, um... thank you.

She's mad?
Yes.

Yeah.
Yeah.

You're mad.

Why would you write
that mean stuff about me?

Well, I wrote good things, too.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, before I read your list,

I didn't know I had
a nice neutral smell,

but, you know, I don't even care, Sam,

that you're trying to decide
if you like me or whatever.

I mean, I'm kind of trying
to do that about you, too.

But you're not supposed
to write that stuff down.

Why not?
I don't know.

It's a rule.

Well, now that I know it's a rule,
I won't do it again.

And how did you read my list
when it's in my back pocket?

I made an etching.

What...

Are you serious?

Resourcefulness.

That's a major pro.

You have more pros than cons.

Whoopdedoo.

Paige... I know I made you mad,

but do you want to be my girlfriend?

Oh, my God.

Yes.

We've never met this girl.

I never even heard her name before
Paige?

I have a little news.
Big news.

I mean,
I knew he was interested in girls,

but this is, you know, awfully fast.

I'm being recruited.

By Clayton Prep.

Yeah, I guess they saw my last race,
and I don't know, they want me.

Wow! Clayton?

Mmhmm.
That's huge.

Yeah, right?
Wow.

How far away is Clayton?
I mean, would you have to leave Newton?

No, Mom, I love high school so much,
I'd go to both.

No, they want me to start right away.

What do you guys think?

Wow. That's exciting.

Yeah.

There's a lot to discuss.
Yeah, for sure.

We have to figure it out.

I mean, you know,

I'm sorry, honey, but I don't think
there's any way that this could work.

I mean, we need you
at the same school as Sam, right?

But we'll talk about it
when your friends aren't here.

'Cause he doesn't have
a onetoone aide anymore.

And he relies on you heavily.

So, I'm...

I don't know how it could happen.
Yeah.

Okay.
We'll talk about it later.

Okay.
Okay. Yeah.

Zahid.
That's an interesting name.

Where are you from?

Vermont. We moved here
when I was in the sixth grade.

But we still head back every fall
to peep them leaves.

I'm sorry, but, um...

Whoa, why is he standing up?

Where are you going?
You have two kids.

Evan, don't.

No, but you act like you have one.
And I get it.

Sam's got a disability or whatever.

But Casey broke a record.

She did something cool,
and you guys didn't even see it.

I mean, where were you?

Now she's got a chance to go
to a fancyass school!

Sorry for my language.

But, I mean, I don't want her
to go three towns away, either,

but at least I get that she's...

she's too good for this place.

So...

that's all.

Um...

The roast was really good.

Mom, it's okay.

I have a girlfriend.

Nice. She's wound a little tight,
but I like her style.

I'm back.

Dessert.

Dessert. I, um...

I need to buy ice cream.

Um... I forgot.
I'm just gonna go to the store.

I made apple pie a la mode, and I
forgot the ice cream, which is the mode.

Don't anybody leave.
I'll be back in seven minutes.

I'm lactoseintolerant.

Yeah. You got a lot of things going on,
don't you, sweetie?

Bouncing by your side

Consume you with more regret

Hey. I need to talk to you
about something.

Okay.
Can you cover your arms, please?

Never mind.

What we did, it was nice.

I agree.
But it's done.

I have a life. I have a family.

And I can't do for
them what I need to do

with you in my head, all right?

And what are you doing,

having sex with a married woman anyway,
you know?

You're bad. You are a bad person.

You know,
being all sexy and cute with me bad!

So we're done.

All right? Goodbye.

And...

do you have any vanilla ice cream?

I can't go to the Valley Marketplace,
and that's your fault, too.

Ice cream?

So, yeah, turns out she wasn't a bot.

She was my cousin Tushar. Small world.

I haven't talked to him since.

Listen, Mom and I will talk about
Clayton Prep, so don't worry about it.

Really?
Yes, I promise.

Mm.

And your stoner boyfriend,
he's starting to grow on me.

But just remember
if the situation ever calls for it,

I'll body slam that little sh*t.
You know that, right?

Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.

Okay.

Who wants dessert?

Good.

Hey, girl, you better slow

Hey, girl, I'm mad as f*ck

That we ain't never f*cked

I mean, like, what the f*ck?

What, was that too abrasive for ya?

Let... Let me get at it again

I got you, babe, I got you, babe

Well, g*dd*mn, You hot as hell

I mean, I might as well

See what that might entail

I got some slight detail
From your homegirl

I knew your girlfriend
back in the day

And she said
You was looking for somebody

So I'm Slim, but call me Sugar
She think and caught me looking

Don't trip, you too goodlooking
You could be looking

At the future Mrs. Sugar

If she play her cards right

And I'm hittin' that thing,
I tell ya

But yo, but, yo, I came to kick it
You know, Phife Dog and Tip

And Ali Shaheed, Jarobi

My flow be the golden ticket

So you enjoy the show and I'll...