02x11 - Read-A-Thon

[bunniefuu]

- Ooh! Sorry.
- Excuse me.

Yeah.

So, Gregory Eddie, Mr. Eddie,
I see you're back from break.

Yes, indeed.

And I see you, Ms. Teagues,
are also back from break.

- Yep.
- I need to just...

- Ooh!
- Oh, no, I was, um...

But we can... Yeah.

- No?
- Mnh-mnh.

- No.
- We don't have to.

Funny how social skills just
atrophy when you never use them.

They're just being weird 'cause
they danced at a club during break.

Only club I go to is Bible Club.

Do they play good music there?

My favorite club just got shut down
'cause they let a horse in.

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

It was a Disney Channel grind at best.
Grow up.

Take these score sheets.

- Uh, score sheets for what?
- [GASPS] Oh!

This week is the Read-A-Thon!

Sponsored by Dough Nuts Pizza.

"Dough Nuts for Reading."

Shut up, Janine.

So, how does this work?

The class that reads the most
gets a pizza party?

And that's what the kids want?

Kind of. Every kid gets pizza,

but we track the class in each grade
that reads the most.

It's mostly ceremonial,

but some of us take it
more seriously than others.

Clear the way! Two-time second-grade

Read-A-Thon champion coming through!

And this belt's staying with the champ.

[SCOFFS]

Yeah, well, who wants to wear
a big belt anyway?

Either way, I'll be the one
wearing that,

because my kids are gonna win
because they want to, not me.

I believe in losing.
It builds character.

I would never bet against
Melissa in a read-off.

I have seen her inspire even
the most reluctant readers

to devour a complete "Boxcar Children."

Mm-hmm. I'm gonna mop the floor
with you, Teagues.

You don't want to do that.

It'll just spread the spill around.

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTTLE SPRAYING]

[QUIETLY] Yes, yes, yes!

[NORMAL VOICE] Janine!
Did you see the big news?

Oh, my God. Did the multi-color
pushpins come in?

No. Well, I mean, yes, that is huge.

But, uh, I got two sign-ups
for after-school podcast club.

Oh! Two.

Two? Wow!
That... That's enough to tango.

I cannot wait to get started.

I'm picturing "This American Life"
meets "Pod Save America"

with the research of "The Daily,"
the storytelling of "The Moth,"

all while, like, redefining
the form, à la "Radiolab."

How many white podcasts
do you listen to?

Hundreds.

I listen at triple speed, though,
you know, to fit them all in.

Actually, this conversation
kind of feels like

it's in slow motion.

- But I am so informed.
- Ah.

- Gregory!
- Mm?

We got two sign-ups.

You ready to, uh, redefine
journalistic storytelling?

Wait. You're doing the podcast club?

You get paid a little more
when you do an extracurricular,

and my financial status continues to be

a source of tension in my romantic life.

Yeah, you're gonna need a lot more

than one cart of books to b*at my kids.

Yes, I'm well aware of that.

This is my third trip back
from the library this morning.

How are you doing that?

Well, I didn't want to reveal
my secret earlier,

but I figured out how to fit two weeks

of math lessons into next week,
which means this week,

my kids can devote their time to
reading and b*ating your class.

Behold.

Our reading wonderland.

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Figured if I come for the queen,
then I best not miss.

Right, kids? Right?

And, so, if you think...

♪

[DOOR OPENS]

Alright, listen up, my little eagles...

it's game time.

I'm gonna need youse
reading nonstop, okay?

That means if you're at recess,
you're reading.

On the bus, reading.

If you are at gym class,

the sit-and-reach is now
the sit-and-read.

Yes, Felicity?

What about when I take a shower?

Slide Babar into a Ziploc bag.

Now, listen, Ms. Teagues thinks
that her class can outread you,

but that ain't gonna happen.
So what time is it?

CHILDREN: Game time!

That's right. Deja, Levi, Bryana,

come on up here for a second.

Alright, listen up.

You three are very strong readers,

so I'm gonna need a lot of
pages from you. Can you handle it?

We got this, Ms. Schemmenti.

Alright! That's my girl.

Go get 'em, kids.

I'm gonna read more books than anyone.

Yeah, right.

Levi, Mya's gonna do her best, alright?

Just like everybody else.

Mya's a great student.

Just when it comes to reading...

Hey, kids, like adults, all have
their strengths and weaknesses.

As in, you know,
Janine's got lots of weaknesses,

and my strength is exploiting them.

Clarence, Raheem, it is an honor
to embark with you

on the inaugural voyage
of "This Abbott Life."

Producer Gregory and I... Mr. Eddie.

We understand that the world
needs your stories,

and this podcast is going to be a window

into the very soul of Abbott.

Soft, inviting intros,
rhetorical questions

dripping with pregnant pauses,
the Ira Glass model.

What type of pauses?

What's an Ira Glass?

Ira Glass? The godfather of podcasting,

the podfather?

Oh, you mean Joe Budden.

Well, I-I think he pronounces it Biden,

but we will work on diction
when the mics are hot.

You've never heard of Joe Budden? Here.

[ INDISTINCT CHATTER THROUGH EARBUDS]

[ BLEEPING] Whoa! Okay.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'm not sure how Mr. Budden's mother

would feel about that podcast.

Anyways, here is something
to go off of for Episode .

But, you know, make it your own.

Wherever the story takes you, go there.

Y'all be careful.
That equipment ain't cheap.

You think just anybody
can start a podcast? Please!

Oh, you haven't heard
of the Coleman Podcast Network?

It's a couple of "Housewife"
recaps, "Banana Mouth,"

my screenwriting-advice podcast,
"Catch These Fade Ins,"

not to mention my ASMR endeavors.

[WHISPERING] But Spotify
made me take those down.

[ASMR EATING NOISES]

I'm telling you, Barb,
I've never had a class

make this much
reading progress this fast.

We're riding that Magic
School Bus straight to victory.

I never cared for that Ms. Frizzle.

Always wearing those kooky outfits,

and that overzealous, can-do attitude.

You guys talking about the Read-A-Thon?

I am k*lling it.

Yeah, my kids are behind
a few pages, but not for long.

We are winning it to be in it.

- No, that's not it.
- Mm.

I just think it's cute
how you're still trying, Janine.

You're not gonna catch us.

That Wimpy Kid can't
crank out diaries fast enough.

[CHUCKLES]

Whoa. Wait. Nurse Makiah, where
are you going with these three?

They wouldn't stop rubbing
their eyes on the playground.

One of them said they've been
reading this in the bathroom,

then gave the book to the other two.

It's pink eye. It's always pink eye.

Oh, my three strongest readers!

Why?!

You told us to read at all times.

I did. Aw.

Come on. Come on, kids. Let's go.

Hope you feel better, kids.

Ugh! Your pizza's cooked, Schemmenti.

I genuinely do hope your kids
feel better, but you're done.

You know what, Janine?

[AS MELISSA] Oh, oh, oh, oh,

you want to talk
about pink eyes, Janine?

I'm gonna give you a black eye,
ya gabortz.

[NORMAL VOICE] Yeah. It was
gonna be something like that.

Hmm?

MELISSA: Mm.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Oh, hello.

How long you been sitting there?

I'm standing, and a long time.

Okay, well, you can just wipe
that smirk off your face.

I know plenty of people who
have counted me out before.

Mm-hmm. And while I have absolutely

no way of confirming this,
I'm positive they're all dead.

I hope not.

But, uh, since you're so sure,
how about we raise...

This is in the way.

How about we raise the stakes?

- Oh, okay, a side bet.
- Mm-hmm.

Alright, what are you thinking?

Hmm.

I don't know. I'm confident I'm winning,

but I don't have anything
of value or any money.

Okay, how about we wager
something you can't possibly

put a price on... Dignity?

Oh.

Loser has to streak at the Sixers game.

Yeah. Yep. Mm-hmm.

Definitely, I would do that,
but, also, um,

something else
that could be just as bad is,

loser has to be a guest
on Jacob's podcast.

Equally as humiliating.

Alright. Okay.

Okay, listen up.
Y'all already heard the news.

Levi, Deja, and Bryana have pink eye.

Now, I know they were
leading the charge,

but we are still in this. Right?

We can come back from this setback,

and when we do, it will make
the victory all the sweeter,

because, my little eagles,
these are the moments

that will define the rest of your lives.

You don't want to look back on this week
when you're and think,

"Man, if I had only won
that reading thing."

So, who is gonna step up
and lead this class

to eternal glory?

I'll read the class to eternal glory.

That's right, Mya. Who else?

I guess I can read while I watch TV.

- Yeah.
- If I listen to an audiobook

while I fall asleep, that counts, right?

I don't need to know how you do
it, just get those books read.

Alright, let's go! cr*ck those books!

A skunk sat on a stump
and thunk the stump stunk.

Stump. Thunk.

- What are you doing?
- I'm checking levels.

Can you hear me?

I really wish I couldn't. [DOOR OPENS]

Don't mind me. I'm just here
to make fun of you.

Thank you for the honesty.

Okay. Is everybody good on the theme?

Yep. "Cafeteria Blues."

We got plenty on that.

Well, I knew you would.

Okay, Producer Mr. Eddie,
roll that royalty-free music,

and I will jump into my intro.

[MELLOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Lunchtime can be so polarizing.

For some, it's a well-earned
mid-day break.

For others, a bit more complicated.

In West Philadelphia, I'm Jacob Hill.

Today on "This Abbott Life,"
two of our producers tell us

about those cafeteria
complications firsthand.

- Gentlemen?
- What's up, Mr. C?

Man!

The Abbott cafeteria is a whole movie.

Right.
All the school baddies in one place.

We're talking about the cafeteria,

and you're talking about girls?

Lunchtime's about starting rumors.

Otherwise, the bus ride home
is going to be boring!

Like the rumor that
you pee in pools? [LAUGHS]

Yo, that's a whole lie.

Show some respect.

I'm trying to respect these jawns,
but you're over there blocking me.

Okay, alright.
Um, yeah, good, uh, energy,

but maybe rein it in a tad.

Remember, this is about
journalistic storytelling, okay?

There's no need to argue.

This is what podcasts are about.
We're just being ourselves.

Yeah, I checked out
some of those podcasts

you were telling us about.

It's like listening to school.

Don't waste your time.

Those nerds speak like
a bow tie came to life.

Well, we all know that
Michael Barbaro milks it a bit.

But you have to master
the fundamentals of podcasting

before you can break them,
right, Producer Mr. Eddie?

Oh, I wasn't listening.

But please don't feel
the need to repeat yourself.

Can I at least tell the story
about that one time

when I was spitting game to Emily?

No, no. Sorry. That would be...

Jacob, let that boy speak.

Emily is top- popular,
and I need that tea.

Come on, let's get it.

[GASPS] Ooh, look,
look, look, look! Hello.

Okay. According to this chart, Janine,

my class is way ahead of yours.

Let me get this straight.

Three of your best readers
go down with pink eye.

And, yet, somehow, your class starts

reading more books than everyone?

Yeah, 'cause I give one hell
of an inspiring speech.

You know, we Schemmentis pride ourselves
on our art of coercion.

Motivation.

You know, if it wasn't for
one of Melissa's speeches,

I never would have watched
"The King's Speech."

- Mm-hmm.
- But I tell you what.

That Colin Powell sure can act. Mm!

Yeah, well, speech or no speech,
something is off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you accusing me
of cheating, Teagues?

Uh, yeah.

Only because you brag
about cheating all the time.

[SCOFFS]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Now, now, Melissa does cheat
from time to time.

Yeah, my first boyfriend.

My... My second boyfriend.

Keto diet 'cause
I ain't giving up carbs.

But she would never cheat
on an actual competition.

Yeah. What am I,
the USC athletic director?

Okay, fine. You know what?

I'm gonna go right now and check
my readers' reports

just to make sure
we're on the level, alright?

Look, listen, all I'm saying is,
I just want things to be fair.

And I bet when you watch sports,
you root for the refs.

- I do.
- You do?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Mya, could you bring that book
up to my desk, please?

Great. What you reading, hon?

"Rip Van Wi..."

That's okay. That's a hard one.

"Rip Van Winkle." How is it?

It's good? Yeah?

So, on this form your parents signed,

it says that you read
like books last night.

I'm just checking... Is that the
number you meant to put down?

Yes. I want to help the class
kick Ms. Teagues' butt.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, you are.

You sure are.

Um, so, you said you, um,
read like of those

"Berenstain Bears" books.

Just remind me, what's the name
of the sister bear again?

Mm, Beyoncé?

[LAUGHS] Hey! Here they are.

The hosts of Abbott Elementary's
number-one podcast.

What'd you think of
that first ep I dropped?

Droll, right?

This episode blows.

[AA-OOGA SOUND EFFECT]

Sorry.

Whoa, what do you mean?

You ruined our episode.

JACOB: The cafeteria staff say
negotiations with the district

come down to one thing.

- CLARENCE: Respect.
- RAHEEM: Respect.

Respect. Chapter .

The popular-kids' table
can be a daunting...

[BEEP, RECORDING STOPS]

This isn't what we recorded.

This is your script.

Producer Gregory and I thought...

Uh, Mr. Eddie had nothing
to do with this.

Okay, I thought that a more
school-appropriate version

would be more appropriate for school.

And, look, there's a learning
curve here, you know?

- We are all...
- You censored us.

Okay, do not say that.

This isn't what we signed up for.

Yeah, man. We quit.

I was really excited for this, too.

Um...

Do we still get paid for the club

if there are no students in the club?

No.

[WAH-WAH-WAH-WAH SOUND EFFECT]

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Okafor.
Hey. Come... Come sit down.

Hey, Mya, why don't you go read
one of those books I put out.

How about I read all the books?

Okay.

Listen, I just wanted to check
in with you guys about Mya.

Is something wrong? Is she okay?

Oh, no, no.

She's fantastic. Are you kidding?

She's got her math down to a science
and her science down to an art.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Hey!

Um, yeah, okay, so, the thing is
that she brought in her

Read-A-Thon list this morning
that you guys signed off on.

And I just don't see how it's possible

she read all these books
just last night.

Of course she did.

Listen, she's fantastic,

but none of the kids in the class
can read books in one night.

- She's still a fine reader.
- Okay.

Mya, who is your favorite
character in "Curious George"?

Um, George?

- See?
- Here's the thing.

Mya is just starting to show
some initial signs

of struggling with reading.

And the last thing that I want
is for her to get frustrated

and then, you know, get annoyed
and give up on reading altogether.

So I just thought, if we get her tested,

we can eliminate any issues
she might have with reading...

- Mnh-mnh-mnh.
- Mya doesn't need some tests.

I know that the idea
of testing your child

can be a little scary,

but, listen, we just don't
want her to fall behind.

There is nothing wrong with her.

Oh, no, no, no.

Mr. and Mrs. Okafor, I never
said she was falling behind.

There's nothing wrong with her.

- She's a fantastic student.
- Mya, let's go.

She just needs a little extra
help just in the reading.

Mr. and Mrs. Okafor.

I just finished four more books,
Ms. Schemmenti.

Four.

Okay, guys, after re-running
the numbers,

it appears that Ms. Teagues'
class read more books than us.

[KIDS GROAN] Yeah,
no, no. Don't get it twisted.

Let's think about it.

If you're in Ms. Teagues' class,
are you really a winner?

[LAUGHTER] Alright, don't repeat that.

I just wanted to let you chipmunks know

how proud I am of you,
all the books you read.

And when you walk out of this classroom,

you keep your heads held high,
'cause, at the end of the day,

all that really matters is,
everyone's eating pizza.

- Ms. Schemmenti?
- Yes?

I really tried to help our class
read the most books,

but can I be done with books now?

I mean, the contest is over, right?

Yeah, actually, Mya, can I get your help

with something in the hall real quick?

Great. You guys keep eating your pizza.

Okay.

So, Mya, I-I want to ask you something,

and I want you to be honest
with me, okay?

'Cause, remember, it's me,
Ms. Schemmenti.

Remember when we trekked
through that snowstorm together?

Stomp, stomp, stomp!

Abominable! Abominable!

Yeah.

Um, can reading feel just, like,
a little tough sometimes?

- A lot of tough.
- Oh, yeah.

You know what? For me, too.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

But I found some tricks over the years

to help make it easier.

Like, look.

You see the beginning of each
of the words is highlighted?

That helps make sense out of
the whole word "minestrone."

See, the story's about
a little girl who, um,

had to read things a few times
till they made sense.

And, sometimes, some of the other kids
would make fun of her.

But at the end, she figures out

that it doesn't matter
how fast or slow you read.

Reading's about having fun.

See, my teacher gave this to me
when I was a little girl,

just about your age,

and I promise you,
I grew up to love reading.

- Ms. Schemmenti?
- Yeah, hon?

I still wish we would have won.

Yeah, me, too, kiddo, but,
you know, what are you gonna do?

The rules are the rules.

Rules stink.

Yeah, they do. Go have some pizza.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

What happened to
your little podcast club?

Oh. [SIGHS]

Kids decided they didn't want
to do it anymore.

Yeah, I don't blame them.

I almost fell asleep listening
to the first episode.

And I was driving.
Your podcast could have k*lled me.

I just wanted to give the kids
something new

and exciting to do, you know?

New and exciting for them or for you?

'Cause it sounds like you
were trying to force them

to do something that you want to do.

[MOCKINGLY] You're a bad teacher.

Oh, my God.

I've had this exact nightmare before.

Yeah, people tell me that a lot.

I call it "Ava vu." [DÉJÀ VU]

Now get out of here.

There's a new episode of "Below Deck"

that I got to review for my podcast,

"Small Deck Energy."

I wanted to be like Sarah Koenig,

you know, a graceful hand to
hold through gripping stories.

And, instead, I tried to force my agenda

onto impressionable listeners.

I Rogan'd.

Melissa, I'm sorry you lost.

What do you think Jacob's gonna
ask you on that podcast?

Oh, I'm not doing that crap.

[LAUGHS] See that?

I'm like a tall Simone Biles.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Times like these, I'm reminded
of Sir LeVar Burton,

who taught us that reading
is like a rainbow,

and the pot of gold is that I won.

You know, Janine, I re-read the rules

that Dough Nuts prints out
on their form.

Um, you know, sometimes,
it takes me reading through things

a couple of times
before I get everything.

"The winning teacher is determined

by whichever classroom
reads the most books."

And since my
second-and-third-grade class

are in one room, the classroom,

I get to add their totals together,

which, unfortunately for you,
means I won.

Dough Nuts said whats?

- I'm glad to be back, Mr. C.
- Yeah.

Thanks for letting us make it our own.

For "This Abbott Life,"
here's Clarence and Raheem.

So, what questions do you little
reporters have for me today?

My mama said she saw you
at the club grindin'

all up on Producer Mr. Eddie.

- Oh, uh...
- Uh...

What kind of podcast is this?

Okay, so you were grinding.

No. No, no, no, no, no. I was not...

We were dancing, you know, just
how normal people dance, right?

- Like normal people.
- Yeah.

Clarence's mom said
she saw you leave together.

What?! That is not true.

Hmm. Then what happened?

I was outside talking
to his friend Maurice.

What?

Uh, Jacob, isn't this exactly
the kind of podcast

you wanted to steer away from?

Actually, I would love to hear,
if you have anything you'd like to add.

You know, for journalistic purposes.

This episode was brought to you
by the Coleman Podcast Network.

Yeah, we're still waiting
for that answer.