05x01 - Ladies Choice

[bunniefuu]

Vinton, will you
can the concert?

That goes for the
percussion section too, Naomi.

I'm simply doing
the breakfast dishes

like you told me to.

I told you to wash'em,
not change their shape.

Grandma, you gotta help me study

for my American history test.

I don't know anything
about American history.

Oh, sure you do, Mama.
You lived through most of it.

Shut up, you postnasal drip!

All you gotta do is
ask me these questions

and maybe look
up an answer or six.

No, sir. If she doesn't have
time to do the breakfast dishes

she certainly doesn't have
time fort his foolishness.

I'm sorry, hon,
I'm gettin' ready for

a big meetin' today at
the church ladies' league.

You are gonna be home in
time to make dinner, aren't you?

Oh, thank you for remindin' me.

Pick up a pizza on your
way home from work.

You mean we gotta
eat takeout food again?

When are we gonna get a
home-cooked meal in this house?

Well, I suppose when one of
y'all comes home and cooks it.

What?

You three act like I
enjoy bein' president

of the church ladies' league.
It is like sweatin' blood.

Do you have any idea of
the responsibility, the work

the time it has taken away
from my household chores?

I have a higher duty.

Cleanin' the attic?

No, cleanin' the cobwebs
from between your ears.

Now... end of this month

my duties as president
of the CLL will be finished

and I will once again
be your sl*ve, alright?

Great! That won't help
me with my test any.

Or get us a decent
dinner tonight.

It's so nice to know I have
a family that understands.

Knock, knock!

Hello, all.

Madam president, are you
ready for your staff meeting?

Pull up a chair.

Come along, Vinton.
We're not wanted in here.

The kitchen
cabinet is in session.

I'm right behind you, Skeeter.

Well, you won't have Vinton
Harper to kick around anymore.

What's the matter with them?

I dropped Vinton on his
head when he was a baby.

I'm not sure what her excuse is.

So, you got the minutes
from last week's CLL meetin'?

Yes, in triplicate.

Oh, good girl.

Iola, I really appreciate
you takin' care of all

these petty little concerns
for me during my term in office.

It has kept me free to rule.

Well, I am your
personal assistant.

At least for two more meetings.

Two more meetings.

Two more meetings.

Oh, Iola, I can't give it up!

You got no idea what
it's like to be president.

Once you've tasted
that power, it's like a drug

and I can't just say no!

Thelma... Thelma,
you're hurting me.

I want to be president!

I want to be president!

Now, Thelma, you know
that the presidency of the CLL

is limited to a two-year term.

Well, those CLL
ladies are like sheep!

They'll follow where I lead 'em!

Well, some of them might,
but not Alberta Meechum.

That coldhearted dragon
lady is a stickler for the rules.

Well, I figure I can get
around old prune face

if I get myself
nominated by somebody

that the ladies all trust.

Oh, Thelma, who's gonna
take on Alberta Meechum

just to nominate you?

Oh, oh, oh, no, Thelma.
I couldn't do that, no.

I get.. I get too nervous
public speaking, you know.

My-my voice gets
all high and funny

and I lose all track of
what I'm tryin' to say.

Nonsense. All you
do is follow your notes.

No, I don't have any notes.

Well, I just happen
to have jotted down

some of my greatest
achievements as president.

Be sure you push my
unselfishness and my modesty.

And I'm pleased to announce

that Lolly Purdue and
her sewing committee

have finally finished lettin'
out all the choir robes.

At long last, those altos
can take a deep breath.

Thanks so much, Lol.

Alrighty.

Now, headin' up
this week's agenda

is the selection
of a new president

for our little group.

Do I hear any nominations?

Iola?

Come on up here. Don't be
shy. You're among friends.

Ah!

M-my fellow CLL members

I stand before you with
after much soul-searching

to.. Uh, uh..

To nominate.

T-t-to nominate for a-an
unprincipled second term...

It's unprecedented.

Oh! An unprecedented second term

our beloved president,
Thelma Harper.

Me?

Well, my heavens!

Objection!

The floor recognizes
Alberta Meechum.

According to our bylaws

the president may only
serve a two-year term.

Turn the page.

Huh?

Turn the page!

Uh, I-I say an
exception can be made

for an exceptional woman and
I'm sure with a little applause

we can persuade her to accept.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, but,
no, I really shouldn't.

Thelma's right, she shouldn't.

She has carried the
burden for two long years.

Well, it was nothin', really.

Another term would
be too great a sacrifice.

I-I love a sacrifice.
I always have.

No, no, it simply
wouldn't be fair.

That's why I should
like to place a nomination

the hardest worker
I know, Iola Boylen.

I second the nomination.

Well, wait just a minute.

What happened to persuadin' me?

Thank you so much.

I don't know if I can
accept your nomination.

Well, of course you can't,
and you don't have to.

Now, since Iola isn't up to this

I guess I'll just have
to bite the b*llet

and be your president
for another two years.

There's no need for you
to bite anything, Thelma.

Iola will make a
wonderful president.

As wonderful as me?

Well, ladies, since we
have two worthy nominees

Iola and Thelma, why
don't we put it to a vote?

We can have an election
at next week's meetin'.

An excellent idea, Lolly.

We will let the
membership decide

and may the better woman win.

Don't worry, I will.

That's what I'm sayin', Roselle,
if I am re-elected president

I'm puttin' you in charge
of the rummage sale.

Yeah. That way, you can
buy up all the good stuff cheap

before the public
gets a cr*ck at it.

Well, honey, you just
vote your conscience

but it's like the
good book says.

"You scratch my
back, I'll scratch yours."

Alright, sweetie pie.
I'll see you Tuesday.

Oh! We could be
talkin' a landslide here.

Whoops! Watch it,
Skeeter. That bag is leakin'.

Here you are,
Ms. Harper, dinner.

Not all over my CLL work!

Go set this up in
the dining room.

You mean we not
only have to buy it

we have to set
the table for it too?

Oh, never mind. It's
only for two more weeks.

Well, if the ladies
have their say

I may be president
for two more years.

- Two more years?
- What?

Mama!

Doggone it!

I thought you were gettin'
out of this presidency.

Well, so did I but there
was such a hue and cry

I just had to accept
the nomination.

But you're not a
shoo-in, grandma.

I mean you gotta b*at Ms.
Boylen in the election next week.

You mean you're runnin'
against Iola Boylen?

Oh, those ladies
just nominated her

as an act of Christian charity.

She ain't got a chance
in hell of winnin'.

Yeah, especially after you
called all the other members

beggin' 'em for their votes.

Beggin' 'em for their votes?

Alright, I don't wanna hear
another word about the damn CLL.

Now let's all sit down and
enjoy this lousy, cold pizza.

Knock, knock.

Oh, you're havin' dinner.

Yeah, if you can call it that.

Well, maybe I should
come back later.

No, Iola. Come on
over and sit down.

We were just hearing the good
news about your nomination.

Oh. Well, I-I still feel
kinda funny about it.

It was a total surprise.

You weren't too
surprised to accept it.

Oh, hush now, Ms.
Harper, you had your time.

Out with the old,
in with the new.

Yeah, I think Ms. Boylen
would make a great president.

You do?

Well, no question
about it, the best ever.

Vinton, just when did
you quit grindin' keys

and become a political pundit?

Do you bozos think anybody
can be the president of the CLL?

They didn't say anybody, Thelma.

They said me.

After bein' your
assistant for two years

I certainly know the job
backwards and forwards.

I am talkin' about
more than a job.

I'm talkin' about
leadership, image, charisma.

That's you?

Damn right.

It is just like in
the insect world

there are worker bees,
and there are queen bees.

Iola, you are a
worker, I am the queen.

And what are we, mama?

You're the drones.

Well, I may not have your
charisma, your majesty

but you must admit I was
very warmly applauded today.

Sure, they applaud
miss congeniality

but they give the
crown to Miss America.

Well, I'll have you know
I got plenty of support.

Yeah, it's all in
your pantyhose.

Oh, yeah, well, I have
Alberta Meechum in my pocket

and she is a power
broker in the CLL.

Oh, yeah? Well, I don't
need boss Meechum

because I got the
rank and file behind me.

Oh, and here I
thought it was cellulite.

Don't you talk about my figure.

I've changed tires

that weren't as flat as you.

Now, now, hold on.

If you two keep this up

you might say
somethin' you're sorry for.

Vinton's right.

You don't wanna stand here
and insult each other, do you?

Hell no, I wanna do it in public
where it'll get me some votes.

I challenge you to a debate.

Well, the challenge is accepted!

Well, great, squeaky,
we'll just settle

this next Tuesday at church.

Well, I can't wait.

I am gonna throw the queen bee

right outta her hive.

Oh, buzz off!

Imagine the nerve
of that beanpole,

criticizin' my shape.

Quit hoggin' the whole
pizza and go get me a beer.

Hot damn. Double sausage.

Naomi, does my rouge
look okay under these lights?

Well, Ms. Harper,
you are givin' a debate

not goin' on the warpath.

Well, fix it.

A bad makeup job
cost Nixon an election.

You nervous?

Good Lord, Vinton!

Don't you sneak
up on me like that.

Okay, grandma, smile.

Will you dipsticks
leave me alone?

Now just take your seats.

Well, what are we
supposed to do?

Nothin'. You are the
candidate's family.

Just sit there and look adorin'.

Mama, why did I have to
wear my old army uniform?

I feel so dumb.

Vinton, when don't
you feel dumb?

Be proud of your
m*llitary record.

There ain't no national
guard in the Harper house.

Thelma, we can't start
the debate until Iola arrives.

Do you know what's keepin' her?

Well, she's probably
buckled under the pressure.

You know how nervous
she is about public speakin'.

To tell you the truth
between you and me, Lol

I bet she's a no-show.

Ladies, this debate is a first
for the church ladies' league.

An example of-of
democracy in action.

Now, each candidate
will have three minutes

in which to present
her opening statement.

At the end of which, I
shall ring this little bell.

We know what it sounds
like, Tinker Bell, go sit on it.

We shall begin
with the challenger.

Iola, sweetheart.

Hey, Iola sure seems confident.

And she certainly has
dressed for success.

Oh, wait till they hear
her squeaky voice.

She's gonna come off like
Pee-wee Herman in drag.

First of all, I would like to
thank each and every one of you

for the love and support
you have shown me.

She doesn't sound so squeaky.

I want that woman
checked for steroids.

Being a single woman

I have the time to
devote my all to the CLL.

Furthermore, I am a speed
typist, an organizational whizz

and an expert
at arts and crafts.

Well, why don't we
toot our own horn?

As a matter of record, I made
all but six of the sale items

at our annual
potholder blowout..

And I was awarded
the blue ribbon

for best oven mitt.

Probably made the
blue ribbon herself.

And I made the
blue ribbon myself.

I can bring to the CLL
what it so desperately needs

fiscal responsibility.

Do you realize that
we are in the red

to the tune of $19 and 36 cents?

Let us take a look at
the staggering deficit

of the last two years.

We will begin with that fiasco

Las Vegas night

otherwise known
as Harper's folly.

So, ladies, I ask you, do
we want to live with a deficit?

No.

Do we want two more years
of debt and incompetence?

No.

Then I want you to vote
for the lady with the ledger

Iola Boylen.

Thank you. Thank you, Iola.

Oh, so clear..

So-so cogent..

So compelling.

And now we hear
from Thelma Harper.

Well, thank you, Alberta.

I only hope that I can live up

to that rousing introduction.

And, Iola, thank you to you

for the Wall Street
Week in Review.

Seriously, girls, I'm not up
here to run down my opponent.

sh**t, I've only
got three minutes.

It's easy for some Miss Priss

to stand here and point
out all about failures

but what about my successes?

Let's not forget the munchies

for missions bake sale.

What a smash.

You know, with the
proceeds from that sucker

we were able to send
a lovely clock radio

to our sister mission
in New Guinea.

Not to mention all those
leftover donut holes.

My opponent here says that
she can work harder for you

because she's a..

Pitiful maiden lady.

Well, I ask you, just exactly

who works harder than a mother?

Who is more organized?

Who gets more done?

Hey, do we have
mothers out here?

- Yes!
- Well, God bless you.

I, for one, have had
it with Nora negative.

I am tired of hearin' what
is wrong with the CLL.

Let's hear what's right with it.

Do we need a-a chart or a graph

to tell us why we are members
of the church ladies' league?

I know I don't.

I am here because I want to be

with the finest
women in the world.

No, no, really, really.

Because of you all I
can walk down the street

with my head held high

and I know that folks
will look at me and say

"There goes a church lady."

Am I wrong to be a
little bit proud of that?

No.

Am I wrong to want to
serve you wonderful women

for two more years?

- No!
- Am I wrong to... That's it, Thelma.

Not now, I'm on a roll.

Sorry, but your
three minutes are up.

Knock off the bell, Quasimodo.

Iola, your rebuttal.

Thank you, Alberta.

My opponent referred to you

as the finest
women in the world.

You're darn tootin'.

Oh, really?

Are these fine
women the same ones

you called "Sheep who
will go where I lead them?"

What.. Now, that remark
is taken out of context.

Then you did call them sheep.

I meant it as a compliment.
Sheep are beautiful animals.

They got nice
personalities, great hair.

Well, I, for one, certainly
don't take it as a compliment.

Oh, really? Well,
how do you feel about

Coldhearted dragon lady?

- How dare you?
- Don't dare me.

That's what your little bosom
buddy over there called you.

Iola.

Well, she called
you old prune face.

Tattletale.

- Hypocrite.
- Old maid.

Balloon butt.

Okay, ladies, ladies.

Butt out, you ding-a-ling.

Let go of me.

Let go of me! Let me at her!

You gutless wonder.

Boy! Talk about a lively debate.

Now I know what they
mean by mudslinging.

Actually, it was more
like mud-wrestling.

sh**t, Iola, I can't believe
neither one of us won.

Imagine them electin'
Lolly Purdue president.

I guess it's because
she was the only one

big enough to separate you two.

Well, look on the
bright side, Iola

from now on, our friendship's
gonna be stronger than ever.

- Really?
- We got so much in common.

We're both strong leaders,
we're both tough fighters.

We're both sore losers.