05x06 - Found Money

[bunniefuu]

Borrow from your nine is eight.

Seven from eight
is... Good Lord, Bubba.

Sherman didn't
make that much noise

marchin' through Georgia.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's this
new cereal I bought.

"Sugar-frosted
whole-bran fiber."

"Brings out the kid in you
along with everything else."

Well, goodnight.

Whatever happened to cereal

that just rotted your teeth?

Well, the mailman still
hasn't come, Mama.

Of all the mornings
for him to be late

Carl's pension check was
supposed to come yesterday.

Well, the mail wasn't
delivered yesterday.

It was Columbus Day.

I thought Columbus
Day was on the 12th.

At one time it was, but now
it's on the second Monday

of the month, that's
so federal employees

can have a three-day weekend.

Well, that is great.

Let's just up and change history

so the mailmen can
have an extra day off.

Em, isn't it enough

they get to wear
Bermuda shorts to work?

Calm down, Mama.
What's the big deal?

The big deal is
I need to deposit

the pension check in
the bank by 3 o'clock

or all my bill payments
are gonna bounce.

Now, there is no need to worry.

I'm sure the
postman will be here

with Daddy's check
in plenty of time.

Remember, "Neither snow,
nor rain, nor gloom of night

stays these couriers from
their appointed rounds."

sh**t, they gave up
that motto years ago.

Now they say, "You'll get it
when we're damn good and ready."

That lead-footed
postman's gonna rue the day

he ever showed his bony
knees on my front porch.

I swear, if I wasn't such a lady

I'd nail him right
in his zip code.

Knock, knock!

I'm sorry, I'm late. I
kept changin' hats.

Well, you should've
kept at it a little longer.

Oh, you. Come
on, grab your purse.

Let's go. The bulb show awaits.

Well, them bulbs are gonna
have to bloom without me, Iola.

I've gotta sit here
and wait for my mail.

Oh, no, you don't. I picked
up your mail this mornin'.

- This mornin'?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, that poor postman
was so overloaded

after the three-day holiday.

I insisted he give
me your mail, too.

You mean to tell me
you've had my pension check

over your house all this time?

Yeah, don't go on
about it, Thelma.

That's what friends are
for. No need to thank me.

Thank you?

I ought to b*at you senseless

with that God-awful hat!

What is it? What have I done?

I was supposed to
deposit this money

in the bank before it closed.

Now, thanks to you, all my
checks are gonna bounce

higher than a
jack rabbit in heat.

Ooh.

Oh, wait a minute, Thelma.

You have a bank card, don't you?

You can still make that deposit

in the new auto-teller.

You mean that cockamamie machine

on the outside of the
bank? No, thank you.

Oh, Thelma, auto-tellers
are the latest thing.

They're where it's at.

I will not trust my
money to a machine.

I want a living, breathing
teller who knows me

and understands if she makes
one mistake, I'll take her life.

Well, you simply have no choice.

Well, I suppose you're right.

I just don't see the point in
puttin' money in a machine

unless it gives you a gumball.

Oh, don't worry.
It'll be a breeze.

Yeah, with you helpin'
me every step of the way.

Oh, I can't. I have to man the
guest book at the arboretum.

- I'm late as it is.
- Oh, well, I see.

What's our friendship compared

to a potted plant?
Well, never you mind.

I guess I can just ask
somebody in line to help me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, Thelma!

Never show your bank card
to a stranger. He could take it.

Steal all your money, knock
you down, leave you for dead.

Well, I've gotta go. Have fun.

Well, I will have a ball.
Don't you worry about me.

I'm sure there'll be some
nice policemen around...

to draw a chalk outline of
my body on the sidewalk.

"Insert auto-bank
card here as shown."

Hello. Welcome to teller-matic.

Well, good Lord!
The crazy thing talks!

Please enter your
secret banking code now.

Okay. Uh... I think
I got it memorized.

4-3-3-2-1.

- Well, what the...
- Human error.

Please try your
secret code again.

I know there's a pair
of three's in there.

2-3-3-4-1.

- What... Stop that!
- Human error.

Please try your
secret code again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At least I remembered to
put my code in a secret place.

Please enter your
secret banking code now.

Well, just give
me a second here.

Good Lord. This
Maidenform's got a death grip.

Alright. Okay.

Here we go.

3-4-3-2-1.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

This is kind of fun.

♪♪ Funny but when
you're near me ♪♪

♪♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪♪♪♪

Oh, in your ear.

Please select your
banking transaction now.

I don't mind if I do.

Deposit into checkin'.

Okay, big fella, let's roll.

Place deposit in coded envelope

and insert in
deposit drop... now.

You sure you
don't want it later?

Got no sense of humor.

Alright.

Coded envelope...

insertin' the
check... into the slot.

If you desire cash, please
enter the amount now.

No problem.

Two, ought, decimal
point, ought, ought.

$20 has been deducted
from your account.

Please wait for cash.

I'm awaitin'.

Give me the cash... now.

Come on, 20, come on!

Hey, what is goin' on here?

Hello. Welcome to teller-matic.

Well, forget the pleasantries!
Give me my money!

Please enter your
secret banking code now.

Enter this, you
computerized crook!

Where's my 20?

That's more like it.

Thank you. Well... what the..

Now. Now. Now. Now...

Oh, Thelma...

for the first time in your life

you have hit the jackpot.

Ms. Harper, come
on! The table's all set!

We're just waiting for you!

Oh! Don't sneak
up on me like that!

I'm sorry. You're
so jumpy tonight.

What's with the purse?

Nothin'. You've seen me
carry this purse before.

Yeah, but not while
you're cookin' chops.

Oh, my, Thelma,
everything looks so good.

Mm-mmm. I'll say.

Lamb chops and fresh asparagus.

What'd you do, Mama, rob a bank?

Uh, let us pray.

Dear Lord, for all
that thou hast given us

we are truly grateful. Amen.

Amen.

Let's eat.

Bubba, don't read
at the dinner table.

Where are your manners?
Give me the damn potatoes.

But this is for my
ethics class, Grandma.

I've to take a
survey, and I thought

I'd use you guys as
my random sample.

- Oh, that sounds like fun.
- Sounds stupid.

I ain't gonna be a guinea
pig at my own table.

Wow! Brown-and-serve rolls!

Mama, this dinner
must have cost a fortune.

And look, even the expensive
margarine in a tub. What gives?

Bubba is right in the
middle of his survey.

Go ahead, baby. Random samples.

Okay, here is
the first question.

"You have just spent
$185 at the grocery store"

Oh, my word! I've
never spent that much.

sh**t, at today's prices,
that's only about six items.

I'll say the answer is no.

Honey, he hasn't
asked us a question yet.

"As you are walking
back to your car

you notice that the
checker has given you

fifteen cents too much change."

- I'll say the answer's yes.
- Will you shut up?

And let him get to the question?

"What would you do?

A, cheerfully return the
money to the checker.

B, consider it found money
and put it in your pocket.

Or C, use the 15
cents to tip the box boy

who is helping you to your car?"

Uh..

Phew.

Now, Vinton.

Uh, somebody else go first.

I didn't realize it
was multiple choice.

Okay, honey.

Well, this is an easy one for me

since I'm a professional grocer.

The right answer is obviously A.

Cheerfully return the money.

How could you be cheerful
about leavin' your frozen food

in a hot trunk while you
take back a lousy 15 cents?

Oh, I'll have to go with Naomi.

Returnin' the money is
the only right thing to do.

Well, maybe yes, maybe no.

But honey, think
of the poor checker.

Well, I am, Skeeter.

Now, what if the checker
has a real, mean boss?

If you take back the
money, she might get fired.

And for what, 15 cents?

I rest my case.

Honey, that was masterful.

Yeah, but, Uncle
Vint, the question

doesn't mention anything
about a real, mean boss.

It doesn't mention anything
about frozen food either

but you can bet if
you've spent 185 bucks

sure as sh**t', there's
gonna be melted Eskimo Pies

on your tire jack.

We are we not talkin'
about Eskimo Pies.

We're talkin' about ethics.

Vint, if you keep that 15 cents

you're nothin'
more than a thief.

Well, I wouldn't keep it.

I would... C, give
it to the box boy.

Oh, that is so sweet, honey.

They could always
use the extra cash.

Oh, and can they also
use the curse of filthy lucre?

That money is
not Vint's to give.

The only Christian thing to
do is to take it back to the store.

Right, Thelma?

- Thelma?
- What?

We've heard from
everybody but you, Grandma.

Go ahead, Thelma,
answer the lad.

Well, uh, I guess

I don't really see anything
so very wrong with... keepin' it.

- Miss Harper!
- Mama!

- Well, frankly, I'm appalled.
- Now, hold on.

Everyone is entitled
to their own answer

no matter how immoral it may be.

There is nothin'
wrong with my answer!

It's your question that stinks!

Who ain't gonna be ethical
with a piddlin' 15 cents?

What if it was a great, big
wad of money, say, 800 bucks?

Oh, come on, Miss Harper.

There's no checker
in her right mind

who would give somebody
800 bucks too much change.

Alright, let's forget
the damn supermarket.

I will just make up my own
random survey question, alright?

Now, let me
think. Okay, I got it.

Let's say that this poor,
little, old widow woman

on a fixed income goes to use

one of them cold, impersonal
auto-teller bank machines

and this fool machine gives
her $800 cash by mistake.

Now, the bank is closed.
There's nobody she can tell.

What should she do
with all of that money?

Well, this is a much easier
question than Bubba's.

Well, I was hopin' you
would see it that way.

Yeah, she should
give the money back.

- That's right. Give it back.
- Give it back.

- Definitely, give it back.
- Oh, alright! Alright!

You've all have
made your damn point!

sh**t, I guess
I've known all along

there's no way I can
keep all this money.

What is that?

You mean that poor, old
widow woman was you?

The auto-teller actually gave
you that money by mistake?

- Eight hundred big ones.
- Whoa.

But just like y'all said,
first thing tomorrow mornin'

I'm gonna take it
back to the bank. Oh.

I'm startin' to feel
better already.

Now, hold on, Mama.

We've got to think
this thing through.

Yeah. We... we are
talkin' 800 bucks here.

Free and clear! That
machine gave it to us.

Who said anything about "us?"

Back off you pack of thieves.

Iola, tell these warthogs
the right thing to do.

Very well, Thelma.

Was the bank concerned
with the right thing to do

when they cut off
your Christmas club

'cause you made your
June deposit in August?

I think not.

And where was the
bank's sense of morality

when they refused to take
back their defective free toaster

after it singed off every
hair on Mother's upper lip?

I despise that bank and
everything it stands for!

Down with the imperial fascists!

Keep the money! I say,
go back and try for more!

- Yay!
- Way to go, Iola!

Ha-ha-ha.

Well, now, just a
damn minute here!

Especially you,
Ayatollah Boylen!

What happened
to all your ethics?

Who needs ethics? We
could get a CD player!

Yeah, or a camper
shell for my pickup.

Or an entire layette for
the baby we're gonna make.

Oh, will you forget
your hypothetical baby?

Thelma, you and I could take
a singles' cruise to Mexico!

Have you all lost your minds?

I'm not about to
spend this money.

Bright and early
tomorrow morning

it is goin' back to the bank.

- Oh!
- Grandma!

And then I'm gonna deposit it

in my savings account.

Let this little chunk of
change earn me some interest.

It'll mean more
margaritas for the cruise.

Alright!

What's the matter, haven't
you ever seen an old lady

waitin' for a bus?

Don't try and deny it.

We've caught you red-handed,
and you're going to pay.

Don't sh**t! Don't sh**t!

I'm just a poor widow
woman with a heart condition.

Lady, are you alright?

It's my worthless family,
they put me up to it.

I didn't know what I was doing.

Oh, are you having problems
with the machine, dear?

I'll be glad to help you

just as soon as I'm
done with this customer.

Oh! Uh, of course.
You go, go right ahead.

Just, just pretend like
you never saw me here.

The computer
doesn't lie, Mr. Guthrie.

It clearly shows that
you're overdrawn.

See? You made a withdrawal
of $800 from this machine

yesterday afternoon at 3:35.

But that is not true.

What does that say?

Oh, well, that looks
like a minus $800 to me.

See? Even this confused old lady

can tell you made
the withdrawal.

Just a minute here.

Isn't it possible
that this machine

gave out his money by mistake?

Maybe if somebody
pushed the wrong buttons

or... or struck it with a large,
white patent-leather object?

You're rattling on, dear.

Why don't you go sit down
and feed the pigeons, hmm?

I swear to you, I never withdrew
a dime from this machine.

Oh, I think you did and
maybe just forgot about it.

You know, sometimes your
memory plays tricks on you

when you've reached
your golden years.

There is no gold
in my years, lady.

I'm on a fixed income.

That $800 was all I had

to make until next month.

Well, perhaps you'd
like to take out a loan.

We have a special this
month. You get a free toaster.

You'd better forget that toaster
if you value your nose hairs.

I beg your pardon.

Wait your turn or I'll go inside

and wake up the security guard.

Why don't you go inside
and sit on a Krugerrand?

Now, listen, sweetie, you may
not realize this to look at me

but I'm one of them
madcap heiresses

you're always readin' about.

Eight hundred bucks
is pocket change to me

like 15 cents to most folks.

So, here you go. I
want you to have this.

Oh, Lord.

I don't know what to say.

Try thank you.

I do, thank you.

You mean you're giving
him $800 just like that?

No, I'm giving it
to him just like this.

Ooh!

Oh, my word! I am so sorry.

You know, sometimes
your feet play tricks on you

when you've reached
your golden years.

Come, Mr. Moneybags.
I'll let you buy me a beer.

Just think, any minute now,
we're gonna be $800 richer.

Well, when? Grandma
sure is takin' her time.

Wait a minute! You don't
suppose she's been caught?

No. Thelma's much
too clever for that.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.

What if she double-crossed
us and took off

for Mexico with all our money?

- Hello, all.
- There. See?

I told you she'd be back.

Well, Thelma, how did it go?

Well, I guess you could say
it went as easy as it came.

What do you mean?

I gave the money back to
the nice man that it belonged to

and I'm so glad that I did.

Oh. You mean, he
gave you a big reward.

No, he didn't.

You went from $800 to
zip? Why are you smilin'?

Because I've got somethin'
more important than money

I got back my self-respect.

- What's so great about that?
- Are you kiddin'?

Hell, after raisin'
a family like this

self-respect's a damn miracle.