05x08 - Full House

[bunniefuu]

Oh, I don't know why I'm
bothering to clean this place up

when it's just gonna be a
pigsty in a couple of hours.

Well, I guess that's just
the life of a housecleaner.

How the hell would you know?

Boy, this baby's heavy.

Oh, here come my two strong men.

Don't you dunces drop
that on my waxed floors.

Never fear, Mama. We got
everything under... control.

Lord, what a fool I was to
agree to this poker night.

Oh, now, Ms. Harper,
don't make a fuss.

This is Vinton's big chance to
get into the Raytown Poker Pals.

Yeah, and I get
to stay and watch.

Well, lucky you.

You know, Mama, the
Poker Pals are real exclusive.

Vinton, you're talking about
two clods who pump gas

and another two who
work in the slaughterhouse.

That is not exactly
the social register.

It is in Raytown.

Knock, knock.

Vint, I made you
a little somethin'

for the gamin' table,
watercress sandwiches.

Watercress?

Oh, Iola, the Poker
Pals are not gonna eat

those rabbit food sandwiches.

They like man food.

You know, beer nuts,
beef jerky, pork rinds.

Right, Bubba?

Right, Uncle Vint.

Give it a rest, you
two stud muffins.

Come on, Bubba, what
are you standin' there for?

We gotta get the
chairs. Come on. Hop to!

Boy, I have never seen
Vinton go after anything

the way he is going
after the Poker Pals.

Yeah, if it's a total
waste of money and time

Vinton is right
in there pitching.

Well, ladies, we best be off.

Curtain time at the Pepper Pot
Playhouse is promptly at eight.

sh**t. They never
start until they got

the first two rows filled,
that could take till 9:15.

Oh, no, this show
is packing them in.

"Medea" is the first time

the Pepper Pot is
attempting Greek tragedy.

"Medea?" I thought they were
doing "Natalie Needs A Nightie."

No, that's next month's show.

Greek tragedy? But
that sounds kind of dry.

Oh, nonsense.
"Medea" has everything.

v*olence, infidelity,
sex, revenge.

Sort of like "Knots
Landing" in togas.

Hmm. Well, then,
it's right up my alley.

So who's playing "Medea"?

- Martha Pape Hines.
- That does it.

- You can count me out.
- Why?

Because that hambone
stars in everything down there

from "Joan of Arc"
to "Auntie Mame".

What do you wanna bet next
month she's gonna need a nightie?

Oh, it's the Poker Pals.

Bubba, get those
chairs in place.

Hey, fellas. Come on in.

Everybody, I want you
to meet Walt Billings.

Howdy.

And "No Coat" George McDonough.

- No Coat?
- Yeah.

It's 'cause he
never wears a coat.

It's bad luck.

So is double pneumonia.

Uh, sit down, guys. Sit
down, sit down, sit down.

The girls were just
leaving. So long, girls.

Oh, alright, Iola.
We can take a hint.

Have fun.

So long, fellas.

Mwah.

- You too, Mama.
- I'm not going anywhere.

Mama, this is
strictly... men only.

Don't worry, Vinton.

You think I wanna hang out
down here with you beef jerkies?

I'm just going up to bed.

Hello.

Who?

Oh, yeah, they're here.

Yea... uh-huh. Uh-huh.

O-okay.

Alright. I will tell them.

- Who was that, Mama?
- That's your pal, Steamer.

He says him and k*ller
can't make it tonight.

What?

Well, they got a
chance for golden time

down at the slaughterhouse
and they can't turn it down.

Oh. Yeah, I heard you
can make a pretty penny

during sausage season.

Well, how do you like that?

This is gonna be the first time

that we have to
cancel our poker game.

Gee, maybe Harper's
bad luck for us.

You don't have to cancel
the game. I can play.

For pity's sakes,
Bubba, you're just a kid.

Am not.

Uh-uh. Forget it. I won't
play with just four guys.

It's unlucky. There's
always five Poker Pals.

Yeah, let's just
call it a night.

N-no. Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. What about Mama?

- That'll make five.
- Forget it, Vinton.

You said, "This was
strictly men only".

Face it, Harper, that
ain't gonna work out.

Yeah, I guess lady
luck just didn't intend you

to be a Poker Pal, Harper.

Oh, darn!

I knew it was too
good to be true.

Oh, Vinton, don't take on so.

This is all probably
for the best anyway.

I mean, these
guys are real pros.

I'd probably wind up losing all
80 bucks of my cookie-jar money.

Uh, o-on second
thought, it seems a shame

to miss a game
while we're all here.

Y-yeah. Uh, what do
you say, Ms. Harper?

Gee, I don't know.

But, Mama, they
want you to play.

Y'all wouldn't take advantage

of a poor, old widow
woman, now, would you?

Heck, no.

We'll show you the
rules as we go along.

Well, alright.

If this is the way
you boys want it.

Okay, let's play cards. The
game is spit in the ocean.

Red deuces and
one-eyed Jacks are wild.

Everybody ante
up, ante up, ante up.

Ah, read 'em and
weep. Pair of queens.

Unh. Not so fast. Those
two ladies are mighty pretty.

But I don't believe there's
room for them in my full boat.

A full house?

A full house. I
can't believe it.

I don't know why not.
She's won every hand so far.

Jeez, I never thought I'd be
hustled by my own grandma.

Oh, shut up and deal.

Hey, go wash your hands first.

I don't want the cards
full of pork rind grease.

Okay.

Hey, while you're up,
get me another beer.

- Yeah, me too.
- I'll have one, too, son.

No, he will not.

You have chugged three
beers to my one, No Coat.

That's probably why
you're playin' so lousy.

Okay.

Cigar, Harper? It's El Cordoba.

- Don't mind if I do.
- Well, I mind.

I'll not have you
boys lighting up

these cheap
stinkweeds in my house.

Cheap? These babies
cost 55 cents apiece.

- Come on, Mama.
- Don't you "Come on, Mama" me.

The smoking lamp is not lit.

And put a coaster
under that beer.

Is this poker night
or Sunday school?

Don't you scum buckets be
making fun of Sunday school.

Oh.

Uh, Mama, can I, uh...

see you in the kitchen a minute?

Yeah, yeah, I'm comin',
I'm comin', I'm comin'.

You know, you boys have got
plenty of time for playing cards

and hanging out
at the pool hall.

It would not do you any
harm to show your faces

down at the church now and then.

Phew!

What are you doing?

This-this is not the
Church Ladies' League.

I know. I would never be
winning this big down at the CLL.

Those women
play cutthroat poker.

Oh. Mama, listen to me.

It's bad enough you
keep taking every hand

but you got to stop being
so bossy and complaining.

Vinton, I will not let those
bruisers turn my house

into some sort of
cheap h*nky-tonk.

Oh, Mama, this is my big
chance to be a Poker Pal.

Don't blow it for me.

Well, what is it
you want me to do?

Well, you gotta
relax. Loosen up.

Show the men a good time.

Oh, no, I'm here to
play cards and that's it.

Come on, you know what I mean.

J-just go out
there and have fun.

Well, alright, Vinton.

From now on, I'll just
be one of the guys.

And so the monkey says

"Well, sh**t, it could
have been worse

the next cage over
is the elephants".

"The next cage over
is the elephants".

- That's a doozy.
- That's the best yet.

Boy, Harper, your old
lady is a kick in the pants.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, hey, did you
all hear the one

about the plumber and
the lady mud-wrestler?

Ha ha ha.

Everybody knows that.

That's old.

Yeah, let's raise the hand.

Okey-dokey, I
guess it's up to me.

I'll see you, No Coat.

Well, I got me a
couple of treys.

Ah, beats me.

Guess this kitty's
mine. Ha ha ha.

Hey, Mama, you had a straight.

Oh, well, so I did.

Well, I guess you better
concentrate more on the cards

and less on the jokes.

Oh, Vinton,
loosen up a little bit.

Here, have an El Cordoba.

Just a friendly,
little game here.

There you go.

Suck, Vinton.

Uh, whose, whose
deal is it anyway?

I believe it's mine.

- You alright, Harper?
- Yeah, he's-he's fine.

Put your hands over your
head, baby. Go on. There you go.

Vinton's got real
delicate sinuses.

Yeah, even those perfume
cards in magazines choke him up.

I guess I should've known
if he can't take Obsession

he sure as hell can't
take an El Cordoba.

Gee, Harper, didn't realize
you had, uh, delicate sinuses.

Oh, and a very touchy stomach.

You know, I couldn't give
him solid food till he was five.

You don't say.

Mama, why don't we
go out in the kitchen

and get a few more beers.

Well, alright, I'm coming.

I tell you what, if I wasn't
worried about one end of him

I was worried about the other.

Now, what?

Why are you acting
so crazy out there?

Well, I'm just having
fun, like you told me.

Well, you're having
too much fun.

This supposed to be
my poker club, not yours.

What in the hell do
you want from me?

I'm busting my butt in there to
show them yahoos a good time.

By making fun of my sinuses?

Mama, you got to go
out there and build me up.

Make 'em think I'm somebody.

Fine, Vinton, everybody
else has got cigars.

I guess I can blow
a little smoke, too.

Oh, thanks, Mama.

Vinton.

Oh.

Believe you me no
cub scout could tie knots

like my little
Vinton. Give me two.

He could do your sheepshank.

Your bowline, your clove hitch.

He could even tie a noose.

Every time I turned around

I'd have to sew on
another merit badge.

No tellin' how many of
them suckers he earned.

I believe you said it was 13.

Thirteen! Can you imagine?

Mama, are we playing
cards or talking?

Well, I can do both.

Oh, and he was
a better ballplayer

than he was a Cub
Scout, and who can forget

the playoffs at
the Little League?

I believe it was the
bottom of the ninth.

They had tied the score
with a man on third.

And Uncle Vint hits a
sacrifice fly to win the game.

I tell you, folks are
still talkin' about it.

I know we are.

Mama, the guys don't want to
hear any more stories about me.

He's always so modest.
And honest as the day is long.

You know, I think it's 'cause
I took him to see "Pinocchio"

when he was a little boy.

After that, every
time he would tell a fib

he'd touch the end of his
nose to see if it was growing.

Just like that.
The cutest thing.

Maybe that's how his
sinus trouble got started.

I believe it's my bet.

And I'll bet two whites.

Well, I got nothin'. I pass.

- I fold.
- I'm out.

Well, I like what I'm holding

so I'm gonna see that
$2 and raise you $5.

Well, I will see your $5
and raise you another $5.

- Oh-ho.
- Go get 'em, Vinton.

Wow, Uncle Vint, you
must have a dynamite hand.

We are talking TNT.

Hey, No Coat, did you see that?

I think Pinocchio's bluffing.
He just touched his nose.

Uh, well, now, don't you
pay any attention to that story.

- He only did that as a kid.
- No, I n-never do that anymore.

Oh, he just did it again.

I'll see that $5.
What do you got?

A pair of twos... and a Jack.

Looks to me like you were,
uh, wishing upon a star.

Three sevens.

Oh, thanks a lot, Mama.

Well, this isn't my fault.

I didn't bet a fortune
on a lousy pair of twos.

Well, they wouldn't have
known it was a lousy pair of twos

if you'd kept your
big mouth shut.

Well, now, just wait
a minute, Harper.

If it wasn't for Thelma here

we wouldn't even
have a game tonight.

Thank you, Walt.
I'm tryin' my best.

And you're doin' great.

It's the small man
who blames his mother.

Well, if that's the
way you feel, fine.

Since you're all so
crazy about Mama

make her a Poker Pal.

Vinton, where do
you think you're going?

This small man is
gonna take a long walk.

Well, how do you like that?

Vinton didn't mean
anything by that.

That's just the
pork rinds talking.

Okay, boys, uh, a little
pot limit coming at you.

Lowball pass, and
aces will cost you a buck.

Gee, I thought sure
Uncle Vint would be back

while the guys were still here.

Well, when he does get
here, I'm gonna k*ll him.

Leavin' us to entertain
those two dipsticks.

Thank God we ran out of beer.

So, I guess, it's
goodbye, Poker Pals.

I might as well take these
chairs on out to the garage.

I swear, Iola, that was
the most horrible play

I have ever seen in my life.

I'm gonna have nightmares
about it for a week.

Oh, Naomi, you just don't
understand Greek tragedy.

Well, I see Siskel
and Ebert are back.

I understood everything.

It's all about this
girl named Medea

who goes stark-raving nuts

when she finds out that her
husband's been cheating on her.

So what do you suppose
she does to get back at him?

She kills her own kids.

And they weren't
even guilty of anything.

Well, except maybe bad acting.

She k*lled her kids?

Sounds like a cross between
Glenn Close and Freddy Krueger.

Oh, hey, Bubba. How
were the Poker Pals?

Pretty good for
Grandma. She won 13.50.

Vinton let you play
with the Poker Pals?

He begged me to.

He did? Where is he?

Well, I'm sure
wherever he is, he's fine.

You don't know where he is?

Well, no, we haven't seen him

since he got mad at
Grandma and stormed out.

But I'm sure he's fine.

I knew I shouldn't
have left you here.

I knew you were gonna
ruin his poker night!

Now, just a damn minute here.

I did everything that
boy wanted me to do.

I let them dumb
clucks drink and smoke

and grind nacho
chips into my rug.

I listened to the
stupidest jokes

I have ever heard
in my entire life.

Well, the one about the
proctologist was pretty good.

You see, there's this fella
who's got a glass eye and he's...

Well, this is a long story,
but remind me to tell you.

You are gonna love it.

Anyway, I built Vinton up, I
made him the center of attention

and then what does
the sore loser do?

He runs off and leaves me
with them two gas jockeys

for the rest of the night.

I tell you what, maybe I should
have gone to see that play

'cause when it comes to kids,
me and that Medea see eye to eye.

Vinton, where in the
hell have you been?

Well, just never mind.

Get your butt in here
before you catch your death.

No, thank you.

I like it out here.

What are you doing?

I'm thinkin' if you don't mind.

I don't mind, as far
as I am concerned

you could have
started that years ago.

Goodnight, Mama.

Okay, okay.

You're a grown man.

You wanna sit out here
on the freezin' porch

it's your business.

You could at least
put on a jacket.

One No Coat a night
is about all I can take.

Boy, you just can't leave
well enough alone, can you?

Well, if you don't
want the jacket, fine.

I'm talking about my life, Mama.

It seems like every
time I'm in a jam

you're there to bail me out.

You're welcome, baby.

I didn't say thank you,
and I'm not a baby.

Well, Mama, I've
been sittin' out here

thinking about
Dwight Statsenberger.

You mean that
big, overgrown bully

that used to take your lunch
money in the third grade?

Yeah. I finally stood up
to him. We got into a fight.

Right out here
in the front lawn.

Yeah, as I recall

he went runnin' home
bawlin' his eyes out.

- I was so proud of you.
- Proud of me?

He was cryin' 'cause
you set the dog on him.

Don't you see, Mama?

I never found out
if I could whip him.

Trust me, Vinton, he would
have beaten you to a pulp.

And what about back in
high school when I was having

so much trouble with my
term paper on Henry Clay?

Oh, you mean The
Great Compromiser?

I still have that paper,
you know. You got a B plus.

Yeah, because
you wrote it for me.

And it ruined the rest of
my year in history class.

Did that teacher find you out?

Worse. She thought I was smart.

She'd say, "Vinton, you're
not livin' up to your potential."

Mama, it was your
potential I wasn't livin' up to.

Well, I was tryin'
to give you a hand.

Yeah, like tonight,
with the Poker Pals.

Vinton, you asked me to help.

I know, and now I
am asking you to stop.

From now on, Mama,
when I got a problem

I want you to leave
me on my own.

I don't need anybody
to help me fail.

Well, alright, Vinton.

I'll never interfere
in your life again

if that's the way you want it.

That is the way I want it.

Oh, you just rubbed your nose.

I knew you were pullin' my
leg with all this foolishness.

Oh, no, I wasn't.

Well, look there.
You're doing it again.

Vinton Harper, you get
in this house this minute.

- But, Mama...
- No, no buts about it.

Now, I'll draw my
baby a nice, hot bath

before his sinuses
start acting up.