05x12 - Very Dirty Dancing

[bunniefuu]

No, no. I've seen this episode
of the "Love Boat" ten times.

It turns out that Doc

is not Charles'
father after all.

Change it to channel 6.

Grandma, you gotta get
yourself a remote-control TV.

What for? I've got you.

Oh, no.

Not that "Geraldo."

Tonight he's got women on
there talkin' about sex after 60.

I'll tell you, that goon has
lost all touch with reality.

Turn it off.

Knock, knock!

Oh, and how's
our patient tonight?

Oh, Iola. Thank
the Lord you're here.

My pillows need plumpin'.

Bubba, for heaven's sakes

why didn't you
plump her pillows?

You know, grandma,
it's been a month

since you had that corn removed.

I thought the doctor said
you'd be on your feet by now.

What does that quack know?

It wasn't his toe
under the Kn*fe.

Thelma, they don't use
a Kn*fe in laser surgery.

Well, they might as well
have used a chain saw.

I'm an old woman.

My body doesn't mend
as fast as it used to.

I gotta be real
careful how I treat it.

Bubba, would you hand
me my beer and Fritos?

You got it.

There you go, grandma.
Is that all you need?

Oh, Bubba, you didn't open it.

And turn up the
thermostat a notch, will you?

And fetch me the afghan.
This beer's givin' me a chill.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Presenting that dynamic
duo of dance, Naomi..

And Vinton!

He-hey!

Wow, you guys look great!

Oh, thank you, Bubba.
Isn't this dress too much?

It's not enough.

There's dermatologists that
have never seen that much skin.

Oh, nonsense, Thelma.
I think they look lovely.

Especially Vint.

What's the occasion?

Me and Naomi are gonna
enter that dance contest tonight

down at Rayland Ballroom.

Yeah. We've just
been practicing.

Hey, you wanna see us cut a rug?

- Sure. Great.
- Oh, love to.

You know, just don't cut
it anywhere near my toe.

Watch this.

Huh? He heheh.

Oh, yeah! Get down and do it!

My, my, my, my, my.

What the hell kind of
a smut show is this?

Go, Vint, go!

Ms. Harper, we're
just doing dirty dancing.

I can see that! Now stop it!

Heaven's sake, it's only
the latest dance craze.

Yeah, those moves are
gonna win us that contest

tonight at Rayland.

In my day, the only
place at Rayland

you could do moves like
that was in the parkin' lot.

I didn't know Rayland was
around in the olden days.

Oh, yeah, sure, me
and your grandpa

used to go over there
in the covered wagon

dance the Virginia Reel

and k*ll a couple
buffalo on the way home.

No foolin', Thelma. Did
you really dance at Rayland?

Sure. Everybody did. It
was right before the w*r

during the Big Band Era.

Oh, you mean
they had live music?

Nowadays, all they
have are records.

Yeah, I hear Rayland's
gone way downhill.

It used to be a palace,
pink plush booths

strings of little
colored lights.

They'd a big mirror ball,
the whole dance floor

looked like it was
made out of diamonds.

It's made out of congoleum now.

No wax finish. Real classy.

Vinton, you wouldn't know class

if it bit you on the butt.

The place has
turned into a dump.

Oh, nonsense, Ms. Harper.
Rayland isn't that bad.

You should come
take a look for yourself.

Yeah. Hey, why don't
you all come along, huh?

Come tonight, you can be our

cheerin' section
for the contest.

Well, are there any
girls down there my age?

You bet. Dancin' the night away.

Well, do they allow
unescorted ladies?

Oh, sure. Wallflowers
are always welcome.

Good! What do you say, Thelma?

I say count me out.

I can barely drag this
toe to the bathroom

much less the ballroom.

You young people just go on
ahead and have a good time.

Don't give me a second thought.

Okay. I'm gonna go
up and put on a tie.

I got a new pair of shoes
that are perfect for dancing.

You go get the car, honey.

I want to plump up my hair.

Well, now, I mean it, Vinton.

I'll be fine here all by myself.

If this throbbin' gets too bad

I can just crawl into
the kitchen for a pain pill.

Fine, mama. Don't wait up.

Alright, you win!

If it means that much
to you all, I will go.

Doesn't it look lovely?

Does it bring back
memories, grandma?

Yeah, of my
grandpa's chicken coop.

Lord, don't they ever
air this place out?

Oh, but this old building
has such elegance.

Yeah, let's hope they
don't do the bunny hop.

This whole ceiling's
liable to cave in on us.

Come on, mama, stop
complainin'! Get in the spirit!

Yeah. Wait till the music
gets slow and dreamy

and they turn on
that mirror ball.

Then this place is pure romance.

Are we gonna stand
here jawin' all night?

I got a bum toe.

There's an empty table.

Well, let's grab it
before the roaches do.

Come on, mama. I'll help you.

Ow! Good Lord, Vinton!

One person walkin'
on my feet is enough!

Comin' through! Comin' thr...

Look out! Back off!

I've just had surgery!

Here we go.

Don't you want to sit
down, Aunt Naomi?

Oh, no, thank you, Bubba.
I might wrinkle my dress.

I want the judges to see
me in the best possible light.

You better pray
somebody blows a fuse.

Come on, Skeeter.

Let's go check
out the competition.

Thelma, don't look now

but there's a strange man
back there, givin' me the eye!

I said don't look!
He's coming this way.

What'll I do if he
asks me to dance?

How the hell should I know?

You won't even
let me look at him!

Thelma?

Thelma Harper?

Yes, it's Thelma.

Why, for heaven's sake! Ramon!

Thelma!

Ramon!

Iola.

Uh, Ramon, let me introduce you

to my good friend Iola Boylen.

My pleasure.

Oh, my!

And this here's my
grandson Bubba.

Hi.

Well, Ram... This is
Ramon Montenegro.

Me and Carl and
Ramon and Dolores

used to come here
every Saturday night.

Say, is Dolores with you?

No, Dolores passed
on two years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear
that. Carl's gone, too.

- Oh, I didn't know.
- Yeah.

Say Ramon here was the best
dancer that Rayland ever saw.

Oh, really?

Thelma was pretty
light on her feet, too.

Many a man used
to cut in on Carl.

Ahh, still the charmer, I see.

It's amazing how well
this place has held up.

You know I was just remarkin'

on how swell everything looks.

Grandma, I thought you said...

Bubba, I believe Iola

would probably love to dance.

Oh, yeah? Well, the stag
line's right over by the bar.

Ow!

Miss Boylen, may I have
the pleasure of this dance?

Well, actually,
Bubba, I don't think...

I'd love to.

Thelma, how about
a twirl across the floor

for old time's sake?

Oh, I'd be delighted, Ramon.

You take it easy on
me now. I'm a little rusty.

Your wish is my command.

Hey, Skeeter, look.
Mama's dancin'.

Oh, yeah? With who? Iola?

No, a man.

Would you look at that.

We leave her alone
for five minutes

and she's trolling for geezers.

Oh, Ramon, you're
still so light on your feet.

Oh, you still bring
out the best in me.

Aah! Oh! Bubba, my toe!

Aw, I'm sorry, Ms. Boylen.

I'm used to leading.

Thelma, it was just like
we were 22 years old again.

Aw, I don't know which is worse,
you memory or your eyesight.

Oh, now, Thelma, you and
Ramon made a lovely couple.

Yeah. You were the best
two dancers out there.

Vinton and I were just saving
ourselves for the contest.

Yeah. You better just
stay in your chair, mama.

You don't want that
toe swellin' up on you.

Oh, shut up before
I swell up your lip.

Ramon, this is my son
Vinton. This is his wife Naomi.

I'm charmed.

You won't be for long.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Chick Minnow, your
master of ceremonies.

Thank you.

And now for the moment
you've all been waiting for.

The dance contest.

Now, all you courageous couples
come on up and pick a number

and don't be shy.

Remember, tonight's grand prize

is this gold-tone loving cup.

Courtesy of Mel Root's
jewelry store on the mall.

Say, can anyone try?

Oh, sure, Bubba. It's
open to amateurs, too.

Well, how about it, Ms. Boylen?

Oh, well, why not? I
still got eight toes left.

Let's get a lucky number.

Thelma, want to go for the gold?

Oh, I don't think so. I
better sit this one out.

What a great idea, Ms. Harper

'cause the pressure's
really on out there.

You would be way
out of your league.

Yeah, mama. At your age

it's best you just sit here on
the sidelines and cheer us on.

You little pipsqueaks.

I was doin' dips while you
two were still in diapers.

Come on, Ramon, let's
show these lead butts

what dancing's all about.

Feet, do your stuff.

Well, I wish you
could see Naomi.

What a disgustin' display
just to win a stupid gold cup.

One, two, cha, cha, cha.

One, two, cha, cha, cha.

Oh, I think I got it now!

One, two, ow, ow, ow.

I'm sorry.

And that's it!

And now we're down to the wire!

Let's have a rousing
round of Rayland applause

for our three
fabulous finalists!

And now, one of these lucky
couples is just a dance away

from winning this
beautiful, gold-tone trophy.

Ah, Lord! You mean we
got to dance another one?

Couldn't we just draw lots?

Ms. Harper, why don't
you hobble on over

to your chair and sit down?

There's no big disgrace
in comin' in third.

And I'm glad you
feel that way, Naomi

because if I ever saw
an also-ran, you are it.

For the final round
of the competition

we have the names of ten
popular dance steps in this top hat.

Each one of our finalists
will now choose the dance

they'll do for the last
round of the competition.

Oh, good, the samba!

You do it, honey!
You can pick a winner!

Except when it
comes to pickin' wives.

The foxtrot?

Oh, how are we gonna
be flashy doin' a box step?

And our final couple.

I don't care what we pick

because me and Ramon can
do them all, even the hula, right?

Oh, "The Latin Sizzle."

The Latin Sizzle!

What the hell's
the Latin Sizzle?

Oh, Thelma, it's
simple. It's like this.

You know.

Dirty dancing.

Oh, no! You back off, buster.

I ain't about to do
somethin' standin' up

I've never done lyin' down.

Well, there's nothin' more
exciting than a samba.

Yeah, especially
with legs like hers.

For pure excitement

the samba can't compare
to the Latin Sizzle.

- What do you say, Thelma?
- Forget it, Ramon.

I'm not gonna get up in public
and dance a hootchy-kootch.

And now, ladies and gentlemen

our second couple,
Naomi and Vint!

Yay, Uncle Vint!

Wow, look at them go!

I never knew Naomi
was so light on her feet.

Well, what I wouldn't give for
a handful of marbles right now.

How's the toe, granny?

That does it! Come on, Ramon!

Really, Thelma? You're
sure you're up to it?

Yeah, time to teach
me how to sizzle.

These old dogs maybe
barkin' but they can still learn

some new tricks, come on.

That's the spirit,
Thelma. You can do it!

Hey, you really think
grandma can pull this off?

She hasn't got a prayer.

And now, it's time
for our final couple.

Those sexy seniors
doing the dirty dancing

Thelma and Ramon!

Oh, just cool it, y'all.
Is this on? Cool it.

It's not gonna be that dirty.

The best us oldsters can
muster is dingy dancing.

Ohh! Oh, that hurts!

Oh, Lord, not again!

Oh, stop that.

Oh!

Oh, go ahead,
Ramon. Make my day.

Ohh!

Make a wish.

Well, I think I got
my mojo workin' now.

Ha ha! What a night!
You were somethin' else!

Way to go, grandma.

I told you she could do it.

I still say she won it
on a sympathy vote.

Oh, who cares? I'll take
it any way I can get it.

I never thought I'd see
my own mama dance dirty

the way you did tonight.

Oh, grow up, Vinton. Who
says seniors can't be sexy?

You can still get down
when you're over 60.

The hard part
is gettin' back up.