05x24 - Dependence Day

[bunniefuu]

Vinton, be sure you dry
those dishes off real good.

I don't want mildew
growin' in my cupboard.

Mama, why are
you bein' so picky?

Because it has taken me 30 years

to get my kitchen
organized the way I want it

and I will not have
you loons destroyin' it

while I'm gone on my cruise.

But Ms. Harper, you're
not leavin' for a week.

Well... it's gonna
take you that long

to figure out that the
eggs go in the door

and not in the crisper.

What difference does it
make as long as they're cold?

That does it. I'm not goin'.

How can I relax
and have a good time

cruising on the Dixie Belle
knowin' I'm gonna come back

to an icebox turned upside down?

No, Ms. Harper, you know how
long you've been lookin' forward

to taking that steamboat
ride down the Ray river.

It has been a lifelong dream.

Seven glorious days.

Meals every hour on the hour...

Nightly Bingo...

Dancin' to the music
of Clyde Weston

and his Paddle-Wheel Polka band.

Plus you get to stop at all
the port cities along the way.

Yeah, I hear they hit
Hinckley, Bundy and Bump.

And even a few of
the smaller towns.

You know, they say the
tour of the old homes of Bump

is worth the price
of the ticket alone.

I guess a cruise down the
river would be real romantic.

Not with Iola Boylen along.

Whatever made you
decide to ask her anyway?

Of course, we got
a cut-rate ticket.

Two singles for
the price of one.

Otherwise, I would never be
able to afford anything so grand.

Knock, knock.

Hey, here comes your
bargain buddy now.

Iola, come on over
and have a seat.

I was just lookin' through the
brochure for the Dixie Belle.

Did you know that
the buffet has a swan

made out of collard greens?

Well, Thelma, I'm afraid
you're gonna have to snack

on that fabled green
swan without me.

- I can't go.
- What?

Well, when Mother was
helpin' me air out my Samsonite

for the cruise, she just
got one of her dizzy spells.

Her equilibrium is totally sh*t.

I can't leave her. She needs me.

Well, so do I!

If you don't go I'm gonna
lose my deposit on that cabin

and I can't afford
to go by myself.

Well, I guess it is
goodbye, Dixie Belle.

Well, Mama, look
on the bright side.

Now you can stay home
and guard your refrigerator.

Yeah.

And do your own dishes.

Hey, "A Current
Affair" is about to start.

- Oh!
- Oh, man, I love Maury Povich.

Yeah, Nobody can interview a
mass m*rder*r like Maury can.

Well, maybe soon
he's gonna be chattin'

with mad-dog Thelma.

Oh, Iola, why don't
you just hire a nurse

to take care of your mother?

Well, I tried that once.

After a week, the nurse
had to be hospitalized.

Well, you cannot let that
woman run your life forever.

Well, there's nothin' I
can do when she gets sick.

Yeah, that's exactly
what she is bankin' on.

Don't you remember last
year when we wanted to go

to that bulb show
over in Hinckley?

She came down with that
fierce att*ck of hay fever

and you decided you
just had to stay home.

A half-hour later, she
was out in the garden

weedin' the goldenrod,
happy as a lark.

Are you sayin'
mother was shammin'

just to get her way?

For pity's sakes, Iola

wake up and smell the Allerest!

Lord, this has been
goin' on your whole life.

Have you forgotten your
eighth-grade musicale?

Oh, that was to be my
first accordion solo...

"Fantasy Hispani".

Yep, started out
with "La Cucaracha"

and it ended up with
"The Lady Of Spain".

It was a sure-fire
audience grabber.

Except the audience
never got to hear a note

'cause mother's back went out

and I had to stay
home and massage it.

So, instead, that nasty,
little Howard Starkweiler

got a standing ovation for
playing "Stardust" on the tuba.

You know, I hear he ended
up in the Marine Corps band.

That could've been me.

Well, don't you think it is time

you stood up to that old biddy?

You bet your butt!

From now on, my life is my own!

I'll decide my destiny!
I'll be a new woman.

Alright, Helen Gurley Boylen!

If I want to take a trip on
the Dixie Belle next week

I'll do it! If mother doesn't
like it, she can lump it.

You've come a long way, baby!

Next week, you're gonna
be all the way to Bump.

Boy, you learn somethin' new

on "A Current
Affair" every night.

Yeah. I never even heard
of Cher's secret tattoo before.

Hey, Grandma, did you
iron my blue jeans yet?

No, I'm sorry, Bubba. No time.

I'm busy puttin' together
my cruise ensemble.

Do you think I should wear
this at the captain's table?

Not if you want him
to keep his food down.

You're goin' on
your cruise after all?

What about Iola's mother?

Well, I got a feelin'
that old goldbrick

is gonna make a speedy recovery.

Iola is callin' her bluff
even as we speak.

Do you all think rhinestones
are too much for shuffleboard?

Knock, knock.

Well, Thelma...

I did everything you told me.

Good for you, Iola.

Hey, don't tell me you're
already packed for the cruise.

No. Mother threw me out.

Your mother threw you out?

Golly, Iola, what happened?

Well, I told her to
knock off the dizzy act.

I was goin' on that cruise
whether she liked it or not.

Well, what did she say to that?

Nothin'. She threw a jar
of Mentholatum at me..

The family size.

Well, it sounds like she's
got her equilibrium back.

What am I gonna do?

Where am I gonna stay?

Well, she has got
to go somewhere.

I know. My friend Luanne
is lookin' for a roommate

to share her motor
home out on route five.

Are you nuts?

There is more truck
traffic in that floozy's trailer

than the all-night Texaco.

Oh, maybe I should just go home

apologize to Mother,
forget about the cruise.

What? I will not hear of it.

Now, there is no need
to go skulkin' back home.

You can stay
here with us, right?

Well, gee, uh... I don't know.

Skulkin' doesn't sound so bad.

Now, come on, you
all. Quit your kiddin'.

We would be thrilled to
have you as our house guest.

Oh, well, if you're sure I
wouldn't be too much trouble.

No trouble at all.

Well, where is she gonna sleep?

Say, I have an idea.

Thelma, since you
and I are gonna be

cabin-mates on the Dixie Belle

we could get a head
start by bunkin' together.

Bunkin' together? You and me?

What a great idea.

Good thinkin', Miss Boylen.

Welcome aboard, Iola.

Ahoy, mates!

Now, why don't I go up and
unpack my suitcase in the cabin?

I got dibs on the
starboard side of the bed.

Good Lord!

This cruise doesn't even
start for another week

and I'm already gettin' seasick.

Boy...

readin' the paper can
really be depressing.

What is it, honey,
the ozone layer?

No. Mr. Dithers
fired Dagwood again.

♪♪ Keep on turnin' ♪♪

♪♪ Proud Mary keep on burnin' ♪♪

♪♪ Rollin' rollin' ♪♪

♪♪ Rollin' rollin' ♪♪

♪♪ Rollin' on the river ♪♪♪♪

Hey, avast, me hearties!

Where's my first mate,
Iola? Takin' a little nap?

Huh! She's in the
kitchen, cookin'.

Why, I just went
shoppin' for supper.

Well, we tried to
talk her out of it

but she's already finished
the washing and the ironing

and the dustin' and moppin',
regroutin' the bathroom tile.

Well, bless her heart. You
know, these past four days

have not been easy
on that poor thing.

She doesn't know
what to do with herself

now that she's not waitin'
on her mother hand and foot.

But, I wish she'd find
somebody else's hands and feet

to wait on besides ours.

Do you realize that
she was vacuuming

at 7 o'clock this morning.

What's wrong with that?

Under our bed!

Well, now, it's only a
couple of days till our cruise.

How bad could it be?

Grandma!

Look, what Ms.
Boylen did to my jeans.

Good Lord.

That woman is a real
demon with the spray starch.

Well, what am I
supposed to do with these?

Well, just go put
'em out in a cornfield.

Maybe the wizard
will give 'em a brain.

Now, well, if this
isn't bad enough

Ms. Boylen's got
another little surprise

planned for us.

Oh, no! Let's pray
it's not more slides

of her trip to the
Carlsbad Caverns.

Amen to that!

Two hundred sh*ts
of her mother grinnin'

next to an out of focus bat.

Can you people think
of nothin' but yourselves?

That poor thing is
goin' through a life crisis

and it is up to us to help
her through it, no matter

what the little inconveniences.

I mind you, she sure as hell
as no prize as a bunkmate.

She throws open the
window for fresh air

and then she piles
more blankets on the bed

because it's too cold.

And the way she's up and
down all night to the bathroom

the woman must have a
bladder of the size of a pea.

But do you hear me complainin'?

No, because I know
there is somethin' more

important at stake here.

Savin' 275 bucks off the
price of my cruise ticket.

♪♪ Doo-doo doo-doo
doo-doo doo-doo ♪♪

♪♪ Rollin', rollin' ♪♪

♪♪ Rollin', rollin'
on the river ♪♪

Hey there, sweetie. I'm home.

Hi there. I just put a
roast in the oven for dinner.

Well, that's real
thoughtful of you

but normally Wednesday night

is our beans and franks night.

Oh, Thelma, Mother says
these things are nothin'

but nitrites and pigs' feet.

You should never serve
'em to those you love.

Well, that's why I
make 'em for my family.

Hey, what happened
to my toaster?

Oh, I hope you don't mind.
I did a little rearrangin'.

- In my kitchen?
- Uh-huh.

You see, you had all
of the small appliances

down here by the stove,
it's what mother calls

unsightly appliance congestion.

Well, good Lord!

Call out the kitchen police.

You see, I put them up here.
Can opener be nearer to the cans.

And the toaster
closer to the bread.

Well, I hope they'll
all be very happy.

This is the way we
have it at our house.

This arrangement can save you

21 to 38 steps per day.

You know, Iola, I have been
savin' a whole lot of steps

every day since you have
taken over my kitchen.

Matter of fact, before
I'm even up in the morning

you're down here
cookin' breakfast.

Well, I guess,
I'm used to mother

gettin' up with the roosters.

She's not a
sleepyhead like you are.

Well, I've been havin' a
little trouble sleepin' lately.

Oh, well, You
should do what I do.

Right before bed, you drink

three big glasses of water.

No, thank you.

We've only got the
one bathroom upstairs.

Oh, no, no, no, Thelma, no!

The saran wrap
and the aluminum foil

go in the left-hand
drawer for easy access.

You don't say.

Maybe I should unpack the
rest of the groceries for you.

Well, thanks so much dear,
but I'm sure I can figure out

where the milk and the eggs go.

The hell I can!

What have you done to my icebox?

Well, it just cried
out for reorganization.

You see, what I've done,
as I have arranged your

condiments in alphabetical order

from A1 to Worcestershire.

Well, how the hell did
you put away the lunchmeat

by Dewey Decimal System?

Thelma, you
sound a little tense.

Well, I would unwind with a beer

if I could find one.

Iola, we have to
have a little talk here.

Now, Iola, you know
that it is never easy

livin' with another person.

Sometimes their little...
quirks can get on your nerves.

No, don't say another word.

Your funny little habits
don't bother me at all.

Not even your snorin'.

That's because I
haven't slept a wink.

Can we continue this
conversation later?

I have got to julienne
the carrots for dinner.

And you know what they
say about too many cooks.

Yeah, well, I also
know what they say

about houseguests and fish.

Having trouble, Ms. Harper?

Well, I can stand the woman
takin' over my laundry room.

I can even stand the all
night march to the toi-toi.

But nobody messes with
my icebox and layouts.

That julienne and
jackass has got to go.

Ha, gee, Grandma's
been over at the Boylens'

for a half an hour.

Well, that's a good sign, Bubba.

Maybe she's talkin' that old
biddy into taking Iola back.

I don't know.

I tried to talk her into
givin' me back my ball

when it broke her window.

She just laughed and kept it.

Well, she's probably
mellowed out since then.

It was last Tuesday.

Hey, Grandma, how did it go?

Mission accomplished!

I'm gonna go in and
tell Iola the good news.

Don't, Mama. She
won't let us go in yet.

It's another one of
her little surprises.

Oh, I tell you what, that
girl is the surprise queen.

Her mother must have been
frightened by a Jack-In-The-Box.

Okay, everybody, it's all ready.

Now, Iola, I got a
little surprise for you.

I just came from talkin' to
your mother and guess what

She wants you to come home.
She say she's really missed you.

- Oh?
- Yes.

She said that you're the only
one that can get the temperature

right in her Sitz bath.

Does this mean she's gonna
let Iola go on the cruise?

Well, it's either that
or sit in a rubber donut

for the rest of her life.

Congratulations,
Ms. Boylen. You won.

Ha! Won what, the
right to be her sl*ve?

No, thank you. I'll pass.

Well, now, Iola, uh...

let's think this thing through.

No need. Thanks to you,
I have a brand-new life.

And thanks to me, you
have a brand-new livin' room.

Come have a look-see.

Surprise!

Oh, my Lord.

What have you done
to my showplace?

These are the slipcovers
I made for Mother,

but I decided, since I'm
never going back there...

that you should have them.

Gee, I... I liked it
better the way it was.

Oh, isn't that just like a man?

And his mother.

Oh, Iola, I don't know.

It's just so... floral.

There aren't this many
flowers in my garden

or in Holland.

Well, Thelma, don't worry.

It'll all... come together
when I make the drapes.

I want that woman gone!

Well, talkin' to her
mother didn't work.

No, so much for plan "A".

I think it's time to
gear up for plan "B".

Yeah, which one was that?

There was only
"A" or "B", honey.

Plan "B" is the
"Dinner Of Death".

Yeah, it's right. Time to
pull out the really big g*ns.

Okay, troops, man
your battle stations.

Battle stations.

Dive!

Will you shut up?

Alright. Commence fire.

We want food!

My, my. Aren't
we hungry tonight?

You see, Thelma, what
eager eaters you get

when you have a
well-run kitchen?

Well, I'm not gonna
be able to eat a bite

off of this chipped plate.

That tiny little chip?
It's hardly noticeable.

She's right. It's nothin'
compared to this fork.

Have you ever seen
anything that filthy?

Well, for heaven's sakes,
it's just a water spot.

Oh, my God! Everybody
check your flatware.

Well, perhaps we should eat
before everything gets cold.

Shall I pour the tea?

Oh, not for me.
I'll have a beer.

- Milk.
- Gatorade.

Coke.

Fine. I'll be right back.

Ew! This meat looks overcooked.

Except for the part
that's bloody. Yuck!

Now, now, stop your complainin'.

I'm sure it doesn't taste
near as bad as it looks.

It couldn't be as
bad as it looks!

Um, heat up these
buns, would you, I?

They're stone cold.

No problem. I have
warm ones in the oven.

More of those things? My,
weren't you the optimist?

I wanted a Classic
coke, not a Diet.

Fine. It's your waistline.

Ew! These carrots taste rotten.

Nonsense. The carrots are fine.

It's just the rotten
way Iola cooks 'em.

Coke!

Buns!

Iola, you're makin' me nervous!
Will you please sit down?

Yeah, I, take a load off.

Could you get me
some ketchup first?

You're right, Bubba. This shoe
leather could use somethin'.

I'd like some mustard

Grey Poupon, if you've got it.

Make mine Mexi-Pep.

Oh, well, don't forget
the horseradish.

That covers up a
multitude of sins.

What's the problem
in there, Iola?

I thought those
were alphabetized.

Hey, here they are.

I've also brought soy
sauce Just in case.

Iola, forget it. I think
this meal is a lost cause.

What say we send out for pizza?

Good idea!

Yeah, make them
extra large. I'm starved.

Yeah, me too. You
like anchovies, Iola?

That does it! I am goin' home.

I have never been treated
this shamelessly in my life

not even by Mother!

If you insist, Iola.

Maybe it is a good idea
for us to take a breather

from one another
until the cruise.

Oh, surely, you jest.

I wouldn't go on that
cruise with you now

if you were the
last single on earth!

After all I have done for you?

Well, you're gonna pay
for that deposit, missy.

Gladly. And I'll pay
for the tickets too

because I am takin' Mother!

- Mother?
- Yes!

She's always wanted
to go on the Dixie Belle.

This will be our
reconciliation cruise.

I'll send Daddy for my things

Includin' my slipcovers!

Well, fine by me.
'cause with you gone

they're the ugliest
things in the room.

Way to go, Ms. Harper.

You've sent Iola back to her
mother where she belongs.

Yep. Plan "B"
sure did the trick.

Well, it tricked me
right out of my cruise.

Yeah, but I'll bet
the Dixie Belle

doesn't have food this good.

Isn't it fabulous?

Hey, don't take all the carrots.

Come on, Mama. Dig
in before it's all gone.

Oh, I was so lookin' forward

to sittin' at the
captain's table.

Here I am stuck
eatin' in the bilge

with the water rats.