03x10 - Call Me Philliam

[bunniefuu]

- Hi.
- KAT: Hi!

Um, can I get two blueberry muffins,

one banana, one chocolate chip?

Actually, our regular
baker Phil is on vacation,

so we don't have our usual variety.

We do, however, have our
usual variety of smiles.

There's a Starbucks on the corner.

You can order on your
phone and talk to no one.

Uh, what kinds of muffins do you have?

Uh... brown?

All right, I'll take four brown muffins.

Oh, great! Regular or extra crispy?

Trick question, because
we only have one kind

and it's not the one you want.

You can literally see
the Starbucks from here.

Thanks a lot, Mother.

Here.

Don't break a tooth.

Oh, look! Phil just
sent me some pictures

- of him and Jalen in Tahiti!
- Ooh!

Look how happy they are.

Lying on the beach,

tropical drinks in their hands.

Well, at least we still
have January in Kentucky.

WOMAN: You go ahead and
write me that ticket!

I'm-a file it in the trash,

right next to my jury
summons and my tax bill!

Hey. What y'all doin'?

- Uh, hi. Uh, I'm just living my...
- Oh, shut your smile hole.

Now, I'm gonna need an apron,
directions to the kitchen

and, after my coffee kicks in,

I'm gonna need about ten minutes
in the bathroom by myself.

Um, uh, uh, wh-who exactly are you?

Lurlene Crumpler.

Phil's mama!

Wow!

It is so nice to meet you!

But, um, I'm confused...
why do you need an apron?

My Phil is on vacation.

It's Crumpler custom to do his
work for him while he's gone.

I do it for all my kin.

sh**t, that's how I
learnt to dance on a pole.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

All right, y'all! Here we go!

Who's ready for a muffin?

I've got butter, buttercream,

butter-free and possum.

(CHUCKLES): I'm just kidding.

There ain't no butter-free.

- MAX: Uh...
- (CHUCKLES)

(INHALES)

Wow, these smell amazing, Mrs. Crumpler,

but I'm kind of on a
gluten reset right now.

- Yeah, I'll take a buttercream.
- (KAT CHUCKLES)

- You're damn right you will, string bean.
- Mm.

None of you look like
you've eaten since July.

Except for this sturdy one.

When the world goes to hell,

we keep you around to pull the plow.

Oh, my gosh.

These are amazing. Our
customers are gonna love these.

No kidding. These are better than sex.

And look who I have sex with.

- What's your secret?
- Uh-uh.

My Phil always says, "Never
ask a Crumpler for a recipe,

their address or what side
of the w*r they fought on."

We might be eating Confederate muffins.

I don't give a damn. If you
don't want yours, I'll take it.

- (CAT MEOWS)
- What is with all these cats?

- Do y'all have a rat problem?
- (CHUCKLES)

You know, it's a good thing
I brought my indoor g*n.

Oh, no, Mrs. Crumpler, uh, no g*ns.

We're a rescue café.

The cats are here because we love them.

- Actually...
- Eh.

sh**t 'em, Lurlene.

You know, y'all can call me "Mama,"

just like my little Philliam does.

- Philliam?
- Well, that's his given name.

It was supposed to be William,

but his daddy was pretty drunk

when he filled out
the birth certificate.

Been there.

So, Abercrombie and Fitch,

I'm gonna need some help
on my farm while I'm gone.

Y'all know anything about animals?

I know about animals 'cause
I run a bar, so... (LAUGHS)

I'm kinda the funny one here.

- (CHICKENS CLUCKING)
- (HORSE NEIGHS IN DISTANCE)

All right, so we have, uh,

Barbra and... Liza.

- I'm guessing Phil named them.
- Mm-hmm.

So, Mama says we need
to feed 'em and milk 'em.

All right. I'll feed 'em, you milk 'em.

So, what do you think they eat?

According to the Chick-fil-A
signs, they like chicken.

(CHUCKLES)

Howdy, Liza.

I'm going to need your verbal consent

before I milk your teats.

(LIZA MOOS)

All right, let's party.

Okay, seriously, what do cows eat?

- Hay.
- What?

That's what they eat.

- What?
- Hay.

Fine. If you don't want to tell me,

I'm-a just feed 'em this grass.

Now, I assume this one's
chocolate, this one's vanilla

and this one's strawberry.

Ooh, I hope the last one is swirl.

Check it out! Got milk?

(LAUGHS)

Hold on.

Is there something
wrong with your mouth?

There must be,

because I know there's
nothing wrong with this muffin.

Oh, it's good. I'm just full.

This muffin was made with a mama's love.

You either eat it or I'm-a shove
it into your stomach myself.

And I can go from top or bottom...

your choice.

I would choose top.

Hey, what are you doing?

You have been sitting here for two hours

with one damn cup of coffee.

You take your p*rn elsewhere.

This isn't the library.

Go on! Get!

I'm very sorry. Uh, Mama,

we try really hard not
to yell at our customers,

especially like the good
Reverend Johnson here.

You have a blessed day.

I am years old, and I
got a damn plate in my head.

I can yell whenever I want.

Well, I think that's
what we're trying...

Whenever I want!

Okay. I've never seen
Throw Momma from the Train,

but it does give me an idea.

Look, we just need to get
through the next half hour.

Then she'll go back to the
farm and we'll close the shop,

burn it to the ground,
collect the insurance money,

buy a van, get a big dog

and drive around town solving mysteries.

Ruh-roh, Randi.

Yeah, because that's so much better

than telling her not
to come back tomorrow.

Well, what's your plan, Black Velma?

No, I like your plan.

Girl, I have matches on me.

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, uh,

Mama, you don't need
to take the trash out.

This isn't trash.

This is my luggage.

L-Luggage?

For what?

I'm here for the duration, sweetie.

- These go up to your place, right?
- (RANDI LAUGHS)

Sure do, Mama!

Uh, uh, hang on.
You're-you're staying with me?

I guess I-I just assumed you,
like, drove your house here.

I am your fellow hunker-downer.

Now, I don't mind sharing a bed,

but I do sleep naked and my
alarm goes off at first light.

- (ROOSTER CROWS)
- Whoa!

Settle down, Rufus. We're city folk now.

♪ ♪

(KEYS JANGLING, TURNING IN LOCK)

Kat? What are you doing down here?

(RUFUS CROWING)

What the heck?

(CHUCKLES): Oh. Oh, you
think that's funny, huh?

Well, we'll see who's laughing
when you're on my plate

with mashed potatoes and a biscuit!

I couldn't sleep. Between Rufus
crowing at : a.m. and...

trying to ignore Mama's spicy
dream about Ronald Reagan.

Well, if it isn't the morning meeting

of the Dim and Lazy Club.

No wonder my Phil needed a vacation...

he was doing all the work around here.

Are you kidding?

Phil takes so many naps,

we thought this place had a gas leak.

Are you calling my Phil a liar?

Because the last person that
did that is missing an ear.

That was from the w*r
and is totally unrelated,

but we don't talk to him no more.

Okay, can we take a moment to appreciate

that Phil's mama is
actually twice as crazy

as Phil made her out to be?

I know. I guess he was protecting her.

Like a little pit bull
in a sequined jacket.

MAMA: Dagnabbit!

Which one of you morons
bought salted butter?!

That was Randi!

Also, she hates Ronald Reagan!

Wha...

Okay, this is ridiculous.

One of us needs to go in there

and tell her that we
don't want her here.

Yes. You're absolutely right.

I'm gonna go upstairs,
I'm gonna get dressed

and then I'm gonna come
down here like a badass

and fire an elderly volunteer.

You're about to go hide
in your bed, aren't you?

Yes, because badasses need naps, too!

(CROWING)

Shut up, Rufus!

- (CHICKENS CLUCKING)
- (HORSE NEIGHS)

Holy cow!

Sorry if that's
offensive to you, ladies.

Carter, check this out.

Oh, damn. Is that Phil? He's jacked!

Looks like Freddie Mercury
and Super Mario had a baby.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, I'm as
straight as they come,

but if this dude bought me a drink,

- I don't know.
- (CHUCKLES)

I mean, he's four-foot-
and all badass.

Well, I mean, think about it.

Growing up gay, around here,

- he'd have to be.
- Yeah.

This one time, this guy was
picking on him in the bar.

Phil threw rosé in his face,

punched him right in the belly button

and called him his
Pillsbury Dough Bitch.

(LAUGHS) I remember that!

Yeah! And then he stood
over him and he said,

"You mess with the bull,

you get me horny.

- No, wait, that ain't it."
- (LAUGHING)

(MOOING)

Settle down, Babs. Same old story...

the ladies are buying
what Carter is selling.

(MOOING)

What's going on, Babs?

- Wow, you didn't eat very much.
- Who can blame her?

Why would anybody want to eat that...

- Oh, God!
- What?

- What?
- Th... th... th...

There's something
coming out of this cow!

Oh! Aah!

- I think she's giving birth!
- (SCOFFS)

Are you sure?! 'Cause
if this is some alien BS,

I'm getting ready to get
the hell up out of here!

Oh, Lurlene, this is delicious.

I don't even have to
put any booze in it.

I mean, I'm going to, of course, but...

It tastes like cake batter.

What's in it?

Cake batter.

I used to fix that for
Phil to help him grow.

Didn't make him any taller, but
it sure made him love me more.

(CHUCKLES)
Mother wanted me to grow, too,

but instead of cake batter,

she used pointed criticism.

Hey, hey, hey. You don't
ever sass your mama.

Sheila, you want a hittin' spoon?

I like these metal
ones. Them wooden ones

- can snap on you.
- SHEILA: Oh.

No, thank you, Lurlene. I...

Well, let me feel the weight on it.

Um...

Uh, Kat,

there's a situation in the kitchen.

- What's going on?
- Uh, well,

it seems a squirrel is taking a nap.

In a pan.

In the oven.

And I'm not gonna lie...
it smells pretty good.

Okay, that's it. Uh, Lurlene,

Randi and I have to talk
to you about something.

Well, quit your lollygagging.

I got to get back in the
kitchen and do me a butter stomp.

Reminds me of Phil. I
just love him the best

when that butter is squishing
up between them little piggies.

Okay. Um...

Mama, we appreciate
everything you have done...

I'm sorry, are you saying
you step on the butter?

Oh, honey, I told you

there's a little bit of
me in everything I make.

(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
I thought you meant love,

not DNA.

Uh, listen, maybe tonight, after work,

you should go home, and, um...

stay there.

(CHUCKLES): No.

No?

No.

O-Okay. All right. Good talk.

I'll see you tonight, roomie!

This time I'm the big spoon!

(LAUGHS) It's...

- That was sad.
- (SIGHS)

You want me to get rid of her?

- I thought you liked her.
- I do.

I just genuinely enjoy f*ring people.

Why do you think we went
through so many nannies?

You said they quit to get away from me.

Oh. (LAUGHS) I did say that, didn't I?

Watch and learn.

Okay, Randi, come on.

Randi.

Mm-mm. There is a crazy
old white woman in there

cooking an animal from the park.

Y'all go ahead.

Damn, Sheila, you are good.

I just got off the phone with Phil.

He and Jalen are staying in Tahiti.

What?

They're gonna open a
bakery and get boy-married.

Wait, I... I... I can't believe this.

Phil's not coming back?

No.

Also, you're fired.

Mother!

Sorry. I thought it would cheer me up.

So I guess Phil and Jalen,

they found a bakery for sale
down there in Tahiti and...

they got to talking
about how nice it would be

to stay there forever.

Why can't they just go to
Miami like regular gays?

I just can't imagine
Phil getting married

and us not being there.

I mean, one of us might want
to sing "Islands in the Stream."

I do both parts. It's
a real showstopper.

I just can't believe
he's not coming back.

Damn it, he borrowed my suitcase.

Well, I guess the
most important thing is

- that Phil's happy and he's in love.
- Mm-hmm.

All any mother wants is
for her child to be happy.

I mean, for Phil, it was
moving to Tahiti with Jalen.

For Katharine, it's...

what, finding a surprise
Fig Newton in your pocket?

It wasn't a surprise.
I'd been saving it.

Phil saw the whole thing.

"It's a treat you can
fit in your pocket,

just like me."

I'm really gonna miss him.

Me, too.

I want y'all to know how
happy this place made him.

You all accepted him with no judgment.

sh**t, he talks about y'all so much,

I feel like you're family.

We feel like you're family, too.

It's like Phil always says...

family ain't who you're born to.

ALL: It's who'll lie
to the cops for you.

(RANDI CHUCKLES)

♪ ♪

Well, do you know of
any other vet in the area

who can get here today?

Okay, well, do you know if
Instacart can deliver a cow baby?!

- All right. Thanks.
- (LOUD MOOING)

Oh, man, she does not sound happy.

Though I guess if I was
pooping out a small cow,

I'd be pretty cranky, too.

All right. The doctor said if
it's not coming out on its own,

one of us got to go up in there.

What do you mean, go up in there?

You know. Go up in there.

Oh, yeah.

He said you should do it.

Why me?!

'Cause he said on the
phone my arms sounded short.

- (MOOING)
- You know what, screw it.

All right. You grab on to the
legs and pull and I'm gonna...

go up in there.

- Okay.
- All right.

Okay.

- (GROANS) Oh.
- Oh. Oh, God.

What do you feel?

Mm, mostly regret.

Oh, wait, no, I think I felt it move.

Whatever you're doing, just do it again.

(GRUNTS) That's what she said.

(LAUGHS) Good one, dude. (CHUCKLES)

Keep pulling.

- We almost got it.
- (GRUNTING) Really?

"We"? 'Cause, last time I checked,

I'm the only one wearing
a cow like a wristwatch.

(GRUNTING)

- Keep going! We're...
- (STRAINED): Oh, my God.

- Aah! Oh! Oh!
- (LAUGHING): Oh! Oh!

- Oh! (LAUGHING) Oh!
- (LAUGHING) Oh!

Oh! (LAUGHS) We did it!

(CHUCKLES) We're parents!

- (LAUGHS)
- Look at him!

- Oh, he's beautiful!
- (CHUCKLING)

- Oh. Oh, come here...
- (GRUNTS)

- Oh! Oh! He can walk!
- Oh! Oh!

- (LAUGHS) Hey, quick, we didn't get video of his first steps.
- (CHUCKLES)

Get your camera. I'll knock him down.

(LAUGHS)

What should we name him?

Maybe we should combine our names.

- Car-Max.
- (CHUCKLES)

No, no, look at him.

He's small, fuzzy, and
getting kind of fresh.

- He's Lil' Phil.
- (CHUCKLES)

Or Big Phil.

- Oh. No, that's just his umbilical cord.
- (CHUCKLES)

- _
- I'm glad we went to the wedding,

but hours on a plane was brutal.

At least you weren't sitting next
to a crying baby the whole time.

I couldn't help it.

It was such a beautiful wedding.

I just love love.

All right, everyone.

Wedding slideshow is done.

Gather round.

KAT (ON RECORDING): Phil, Jalen,

looking at you,

I see two hearts,

two souls, two...

islands in the stream.

- And audio muted.
- (RANDI CHUCKLES)

Look at my Phil.

Yeah, he and Jalen just look so happy.

Aw, it's their first dance.

Yeah, I was really surprised

when they did that lift
from Dirty Dancing.

- I had the time of my life.
- (CHUCKLES)

Aw, Tahiti's so beautiful.

I can understand why they
don't want to come home.

Yeah, me, too.

- Damn, I'm really gonna miss him.
- (SHEILA SIGHS)

Like every time I sit in a chair

and his hand isn't "accidentally" there.

(CHUCKLES)

This place won't be
the same without him.

Kentucky won't be the same without him.

Nothing's gonna be the same without him.

What we've done here

is we've given Phil a happy ending.

What we're really doing

is mourning the loss of our dear friend,

Leslie Jordan.

He is irreplaceable.

We will miss him very much.

Love.

Light.

ALL: Leslie.

♪ Dear friend, there'll be ♪

♪ No sad farewell ♪

♪ There'll be no tear-dimmed eyes ♪

♪ Where all is peace ♪

♪ And joy and love ♪

♪ And the soul of
man never dies. ♪

Now, that's some lines

from the song that
you and I did together.

I know usually, at a memorial,

people talk about somebody.

Well, I'm gonna talk to you.

'Cause there is that
place on the other side,

and I'm certainly gonna see
you there, little brother.

You left a lot of people here

with a lot of precious,
precious memories.

Everybody loved you.

But I doubt that many of 'em
loved you more than I did.

Anyhow, I just want you to know

that we all love you,

we all miss you

and I bet you're having a big laugh

over all of us being sad and sorrowful

and I know that would be the last thing

you would want us to be.

So, anyway, you made us
happy while you were here,

and we're happy that you're at peace.

And I just want you to know that...

♪ I will always love you. ♪

Goodbye, my sweet Leslie.

- See you over there.
- ("WHERE THE SOUL NEVER DIES" PLAYING)

(DOLLY VOCALIZING)

LESLIE JORDAN: ♪ To Canaan's land ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Where the soul of man ♪

♪ Never dies ♪

♪ My darkest night ♪

♪ Will turn to day ♪

♪ Where the soul ♪

♪ It never dies ♪

DOLLY AND LESLIE: ♪ No sad farewells ♪

♪ No tear-dimmed eyes ♪

♪ Where all is love ♪

♪ And the soul never dies ♪

LESLIE: It never does.

♪ Dear friends, there'll
be no sad farewell ♪

- ♪ There'll be no tear-dimmed eyes ♪
- ♪ There will be ♪

♪ No tear-dimmed eyes ♪

♪ Where all is peace ♪

♪ And joy and love ♪

♪ And the soul of man never dies ♪

♪ ♪

LESLIE: Y'all sing with us.

- ♪ No sad ♪
- ♪ There will be ♪

- ♪ Farewells ♪
- ♪ No sad farewell ♪

- ♪ No tear-dimmed eyes ♪
- ♪ There will be no tear-dimmed eyes ♪

- ♪ Where all ♪
- ♪ All is peace ♪

- ♪ Is love! ♪
- ♪ And joy and love ♪

♪ And the soul of man never dies ♪

♪ And the soul of man ♪

♪ Never dies ♪

♪ Never dies. ♪

♪ ♪