01x05 - The Understudy

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Inside No. 9". Aired: February 5, 2014 - present.*
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Dark comic tales, each of which takes place inside a building or apartment marked number nine.
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01x05 - The Understudy

Post by bunniefuu »

This and what needful else
that calls upon us.

By the grace of grace we will
perform in measure, time and place.

So, thanks to all at once,
and to each one.

Whom we invite to see us
crowned at Scone.

I'll bring that book in for you.

Yeah!

Arsehole.

That bloody speech gets longer and
longer every night, yet I'm

lying there with that belt buckle
sticking in me

and he's just droning on.

I mean, I'm dead,
the play's over, isn't it?

Who gives a toss about Malcolm?
Ow! Sorry.

I'll take them back to wardrobe
to get them stretched out for you.

That would be good, because
I did ask

for that three weeks ago, didn't I?

Sorry, Tony. You see?

That's four minutes added
on to the second half

just cos the casting
director of the Donmar's in.

'Visitors at stage
door for Mr Horner. Thank you.'

sh*t! What are people like? I've
just done three hours of Shakespeare,

now I've got to give another
performance in here.

Do you want me to get them?
Yeah, I suppose so.

But after five minutes, remind me

I've got something on tomorrow
morning. What?

I don't know, voice-over or
something. Use your imagination.

Just don't want to get stuck with
them. OK.

Phwoar.

Hi, Kirstie.

Hey, Tony! Hi, Jim.

Well done for tonight.
Good audience, I thought. Were they?

There was a lot of reading
of programmes from what I could see.

"Oh, look, Malcolm
was in Doc Martin." So what?!

Look up, people, this is theatre,
it's happening now, in front of you!

They seemed to really enjoy it.

It's Shakespeare, Jim,
they're not meant to enjoy it.

So, how are you
getting along with the lines?

Good. It's really useful watching
you every night.

Helps it all sink in.
We've actually got an understudy run

on Friday, if you wanted to come.

I'd love to, but I'm pretty sure
I've got a voice-over on Friday.

What time is it? Two o'clock. Yep,
that's when it is. Exactly then.

Damn! Well, not to worry.

Who have you got coming round?
Is it the woman from the Donmar?

No, they won't see me
for the Donmar.

Not their type of actor, apparently.
No, this is my neighbours,

Bill and Jean. I don't know
why they've come, to be honest.

I've got absolutely nothing to say
to either one of the...

Bill! Jean! Ah-ha-ha!
Lovely to see you!

Thanks so much for coming. No, no,
no, we enjoyed it, didn't we, Jean?

Oh, yes.
"When shall we three meet again?"

I still don't know how you
learn all those lines!

Oh, well, it's just my job.

I probably couldn't do what you do.

What do you do? Oh, hospital porter.

Well, there you go, you see.

There was a porter in this,
wasn't there?

I said to Bill,
"That should be you!"

- So, you enjoyed it then?
- Oh, yes!

The sets and the lighting make it,
don't they?

They give it the atmosphere.

Yes. Nothing to do with the boring
old actors, is it?

Oh, no, I'm not saying that!
Oh, we liked Malcolm.

Oh, yes. And you'd seen him in that
programme, what was it?

Doc Martin.

That's it.
He likes it for the Cornwall.

Yeah, he played a fisherman in that.

You'd never believe
he was the same person, would you?

No, no, he's, uh,
a very clever chap.

And he has lovely diction,
doesn't he?

I could have listened to him for
hours.

Yes, well, I do, every night.

So, Kirstie, is there, um...?

Oh, sorry, yes,
would you like a drink?

No, no, no. She forgets
I'm four years on the wagon.

Really? Yes, haven't touched a
drop and feel much better for it.

No, I wondered
if there was anything, um...

Oh, yes, sorry. Remember, you've got
a voice-over tomorrow morning.

Oh... Have I?

I think so. Yes. For tam... pons.

Tampons?

Well, in that case...
Actually, you said that was Friday.

Did I?

Yesss... Can't remember now.

Well,
we are taking you out for dinner!

Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, we are!

We booked a table at Papa Del's.
Come on, Jean, grab his coat.

No, I don't want to go!
Tony! Your phone.

Seriously, Bill...

And pity, like a naked newborn
babe, striding the blast,

or heaven's cherubim,
horsed upon the sightless couriers

of the air, shall blow the horrible
deed... No.

Terrible deed. No. Awful. No.

Dreadful. No. Evil. Nasty.
Crap. Shitty.

No! It's horrid. I said "horrid"!

No, you said "horrible".
Oh, come on, that's close enough.

Yes, close enough if you want
to be an understudy all your life.

Don't start. Sitting in
the dressing room doing Sudokus

while TONY gets all the glory.
But it's the job,

there's nothing I can do about that,
is there? Yes, there is.

We're about to do a run-through in
front of the director -

make an impression.

I'm sorry, I don't do impressions.

Now, come on.
Shall blow the HORRID deed.

The horrid deed in every eye,
that tears shall drown the wind.

I have no spur to prick
the sides of my intent,

but only vaulting ambition,
which o'erleaps...

Excuse me, what the fudge are you
doing in Tony's dressing room?

That is a sackable offence.
Hi, Felice,

we're just...
Kirstie said it would be all right.

Oh, you take your orders
from the dresser now,

not the company manager?!

We don't take orders from anyone,
we're not in the SS.

Speak for yourself, sweetheart.

I'll allow it on this occasion,
as it's good for you to get to know

the routine should you ever need to
go on for Tony - which you won't.

Your understudy run starts in
T-minus 15 minutes.

We will be doing it all as is,
except no blood, no swords, no fog.

No swords? No.
Fight director's been hospitalised.

Apparently Derek Jacobi caught him
in the goolies with a nunchuk.

I don't remember that in the Merry
Wives of Windsor, but there you go.

We're not using the walking sticks,
are we?

It's just an understudy, Jim,
it really doesn't matter.

Are those shop-bought lattes? Yes.
Sorry, I would have got you one...

Did you sign yourself out
and back in?

No, I was only gone two minutes.
Go and do so, please. Stage door.

You can't be serious?

Fire is serious, Laura,
that's why we have procedures. Jim.

Uh, yes, I'm sorry.

Your, er,
Lady Macbeth frock is being pressed.

But, erm, be good if you could just
pop your jeans and top off now.

What?! Just... save time.
I'm not doing that.

Oh, well,
can't blame a girl for trying.

Ah, there, I'm officially back.
Right, thank you, Jim.

Warm-up in five and we will aim to
start the run at half past.

Oh, and, uh, do try and talk
quickly, if you don't mind?

Some of us
have got to do it for real tonight.

Can't f*cking stand her!

Why is it all company managers
hate actors?

In the job description.

"Wanted - sneery, wine-guzzling
lesbian to work backstage.

"Must have own black sweatshirt
and no sense of humour."

God...

I could do a sandwich round
and get paid more.

Well, we don't do it for the money,
do we? We do it because we love it.

We DO do it for the money.

We're getting married in six months.
I know.

It's expensive, isn't it?
Shall we just not bother?

Jim! I'm joking. I'm joking.

Sorry.

Just need to hang this up.

Kirstie, do you know how much Tony
gets paid? You can't ask that!

I don't know,
he never opens his payslips. Really?

Yeah, just throws them in the bin.

Oh, well, in that case... What are
you doing? I want to know. Laura!

Jesus!

Well, he's the lead,
isn't he? I'll get there.

How much more do you get if you
go on for him? Well, not that.

At least double that. He won't go
off though.

He's never been off,
has he, Kirst? No.

Well, maybe you should leave
the soap on the floor outside

the shower - that would do it.
Don't be mean!

Don't you for once want to
go on as the real thing,

in front of a real audience? Ow!

What is it? There's a pin in this,
Kirstie! sh*t!

Oh, sorry, it just needs stitching,
I'll get you a plaster.

Clumsy bitch. That could have hurt
someone. Let's have a look.

Oh, dear.

By the pricking of my thumbs...

..something wicked this way comes.

Mm. Stop it, vampire!

Make thick my blood.

Stop up the access
and passage to remorse,

that no compunctious visitings
of nature shake my fell purpose.

'Ladies and
gentlemen of the Macbeth company -

'that's the understudy company,
not the actual one -

'can you make your way to the stage,
please, for the warm-up?'

She's only doing that to wind me up.
Ignore her. Good luck. Stop it!

You don't want to tempt fate.

Come on, they've started already.

Jim!

Angels are bright still,
though the brightest fell...

Boring! Why don't you f*ck off back
to Cornwall and do more Doc Martins?

You hateful little prick!

Honestly, I have never in my life
witnessed... Is this me? Yes.

I have never in my life
witnessed such a

SELFISH performance on stage,
and you know the most annoying thing?

It works.
This tedious little queen...

Get me my juice.
..has just been offered

Uncle Vanya at the Donmar Warehouse.

Vanya! That's my part!

I was born to be Vanya, and they gave
the part to him. f*cking arseholes!

Which, by the way, Kirstie, is how he
got the job in the first place.

What in God's name is going on?
I don't know.

I've just had to issue eight refunds
because Macbeth vomited on stage

and said, "Is this a dildo
I see before me?" He's not well.

He's pissed! Give me that bottle,
Tony. Juice. Give it to me. JUICE!

Oh. Jesus Christ.
It's two-thirds vodka. So what?

So when Banquo came on you said,
"f*ck me, there's a ghost!"

I thought he was on the wagon.

Felicity, Felicity,
get the director down here now.

I want to make some changes.

Oh, we will be making some changes
all right. Go and get Jim.

Right, Tony. Hmm?
How many fingers have I got up?

Don't talk to me like that,
I'm not your girlfriend. I'm serious.

Three.
What's your first line in act five?

Bring me no more reports,
let them fly all!

Till Birnam Wood remove to
Dunsinane,

I cannot taint with fear!
All right, OK.

Just going to pop you in the shower,
Tony, OK? Ah, saucy.

Are you coming in? No, I'm not.

I bet you've got a nice little
pair of titties under that

big black top, haven't you?

You've got five minutes.

I could cure you, you know.
Bloody turns.

What's going on, Felice? Do you know
the lines? I think so. Are you sure?

You dried it in the understudy
run last week.

Well, that was just nerves,

there were people watching
from the Lion King,

didn't expect to see Pumba in
full make-up.

Look, I don't like doing this, but
if he doesn't sober up in the next

four minutes, I'm going to have
to send you on to finish the show.

sh*t. I need to know if you're
ready, Jim. I, uh... Well?

He's ready.

Get the costume on, Jim,
we'll do the lines. You can do this.

It's what we've been waiting for.

I'll make that call, thank you,
Laura. Stay where you are, please.

I'll just hang this up.

Right, Kirstie,
get Tony out of the shower.

I'll be back in two minutes to make
a decision.

Can I go in now? Yeah.

Oh, God, I can't do it.
Of course you can!

But it's all the fights. We weren't
allowed to practise them.

But the other actors will help you.
You'll get through on adrenaline.

This is your chance.
All you have to do...

..is take it.

Right, I'm ready. Let's do this.
Are you sure you're all right?

Of course I'm all right,
get me my juice!

Tony. You don't have to do this.

Actors are allowed to be ill.

David Suchet,
he missed the last act of

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
with chronic diarrhoea.

Yes, but he still made
the curtain call.

Shame he was in a white suit though.

If he's feeling better,
then he should do it.

It will make more
sense for the audience.

Exactly! Before my body I throw
my warlike shield.

Lay on, Macduff!

And damned be him
that first cries "Hold, enough!"

Good and loyal,
destroying them...

That was it, Jim.
That was your chance.

Well, it's not my fault.
He said he's all right.

He's drunk a full bottle of vodka!
How do you know?

Look at the state of him!

I try and help you, Jim.

But you just don't want it enough.

I'm only the understudy. I'm there
if they want me. What?

Stuck in the corner of the room
like a television on standby?!

Yes. I'm sorry, Laura, I can't...

I can't change who I am.

'Out, out, brief candle.

'Life's but a walking shadow... '

'A poor player that struts
and frets his hour upon the stage,

'and then is heard no more.

'It is a tale.

'Told by an idiot, full of sound
and fury, signifying...

'..nothing.'

'Medic to the stage,
please. Medic to the stage.'

'Tony, Tony, are you all right?

'Argh!

'Try not to move, Tony.'

That's fine, isn't it?
Mm, I think so. Great.

Do you need anything else?
No, I'm all right, I think.

Oh, nearly forgot.

I got you this. Oh, Kirstie.

It's nothing.
Oh, really kind. You shouldn't have.

Knock, knock.

Right, I'll leave you to it. Thanks.

Actually, Kirstie, could you get me

one of those juice drinks that you
used to do for Tony?

And I can't find my boots.
Are they...?

Oh, sorry, I'll get them.

How are you doing?
I feel like I haven't seen you.

Oh, well, I've been rehearsing,
haven't I?

Finally got to get through
the fights.

With a sword this time, rather than
a roll of wrapping paper.

Are you nervous?

Ugh... no.

I just popped down to say...
break a leg.

Huh! That's a bit near the bone
under the circumstances.

I know. How is he?

Still in hospital.
They're doing tests on his spine.

Poor Tony.

Still, that's what happens if you
get pissed on the battlements.

Mm. Could have been worse,
but he fell on a gargoyle.

Felicity wasn't on stage, was she?

It's not funny, Laura.

It's weird.
Now she's gone, I quite miss her.

I thought you hated her.

Yeah, but...
still feel sorry for her.

She just made the wrong call,
that's all.

She should have sent you on.

You shouldn't have said she was
sexually harassing you though.

I never said that.
I don't know where that's come from.

Well, that's why she was sacked.

Anyway, I've booked a table
at Papa Del's after the show.

My sister's in, so we can...

I'd love to, but I'm already going
out with the cast.

Taking me to Jo Allen's.
I could hardly say no, could I?

Well, we'll come with you.

Your sister? Yeah.

At Jo Allen's?

Why not?

It's always very awkward mixing
actors and civilians.

You know what they're like,
they're even funny

about including the understudies.
I'm an understudy.

I know you are.

'Ladies and gentlemen
of the Macbeth company,

'this is your half-hour call.
30 minutes please.'

Look, let me get through tonight and
then we'll talk about it after, OK?

You'll be fantastic.
I won't if I don't concentrate.

Sorry, Laura, I just need to
get my head together.

Are you asking me to go?

I am really. Yes. I need to prepare.

All right.

I'll see you later then.

Laura. Yeah?

Thanks.

What for?

This.

Do we know who's playing
the girl? Oh, God.

Oh, by the way, did I tell you
I've got my old dressing room

back for d*ck the sh*t? Yeah!

No, it's all been done up.

Yeah,
was that anything to do with me?

Come on, I bet it was.
Ha, all right.

I'll speak to you later.
OK, bye, Maurie.

Sorry about that. Not at all.

Now, do you remember
the conversation we had

about a meet and greet with
the lovely disabled people?

That's not now, is it?
Why can't they do it after the show?

You know I don't like people
in during the half!

They won't have time after the show.
It's not a problem.

I'll tell them you're not available
and that's just the way it is.

It's all right, Nick. Send them in,
but five minutes, yeah?

And then tell them
I've got to do something.

You're a gentleman, sir. And
thanks so much for signing these.

The understudies will be delighted.

Ahem, hem...

Now is the winter...

Ahem! Now!

Now is the winter of our
discontent...

Made glorious summer by this
sun of York.

Played him in Stratford, '82.
Michele Dotrice was my Lady Anne.

How are you, Jim?

Tony!
Ha-ha! Good to see you, mate.

What are you doing here?

I've come to see you,
haven't I? Quick trip.

We get free tickets, don't you know?

Oh, so nice to see you.
How long's it been?

It's been 19 months and 3 weeks.

And how's things with you?
I've heard nothing but raves.

Oh, well, I learnt it
all from the master, didn't I?

Look, I've even got my juice drink.

Yes, I, eh, I don't touch that
stuff any more.

Still, every cloud has a silver
lining. You've been busy.

I've, well, been nonstop. Obviously
we took Mackers to Broadway. Yeah.

And I was straight back to Ireland
for Game of Thrones. Yeah.

But what about you?
I heard you're doing talking books?

That's right. I'm giving Jarvis
a run for his money.

I've just finished Everything You
Need To Know About The EU.

Fascinating stuff. You
think you know the half of it, but...

Yeah, sounds, sounds good.

They've done this room up nice.

Yes, yes, my agent, I think.
Embarrassing really.

Well, my agent gave me this blanket.
Small cheques.

Good.

So good to see you.

How's that lovely
girlfriend of yours?

Have you done the decent thing yet?
You mean Suzie?

No, pretty one. Understudied Lady M.

You were engaged, weren't you?

Oh, Laura! No, no,
we're not together any more.

No, I don't know what she's up
to these days.

Ah, shame.

She was a sweet girl.

Mm.

Anyway, look,
I don't want to chuck you out

but I've got to
get MY callipers on, so...

Oh, yes, of course.
Looking forward to it.

Well, you're doing something right,
anyway. Keep at it.

You're having
the career for both of us now.

Thanks.

OK, WAGON'S ROLL!

All done?

Thank you very much.

I'll get the lift for you.
If you walk this way.

So to speak.

Kirstie? Hello, Jim.

It is you.
Surprised you remember me.

Of course I remember you. So, what,
you're looking after Tony now?

Yeah, I'm his full-time carer.

Well it's lovely to see you.
Hope you enjoy the show.

Oh, I've already seen it.

Really?

I've seen everything you've done
since we worked together.

Sometimes I come three or four times
a week just to see

the little changes in your
performance.

Oh. Gosh.

I always knew you'd go far.

Just needed a little push.

Sorry, what do you mean?

This room looks better now.

More fitting for a star like you.

She made a real mess of it.

Who did?
Laura, when she k*lled herself.

What?

Sorry, didn't you know?
She slit her wrists in the shower.

Had the blood everywhere apparently.
Right through to the floorboards.

Laura's d*ed...?

Mm, I'm surprised you didn't know.
I mean, why would you?

You've been away.

I guess I was a recurring
character in Game of Thrones.

Which you were brilliant in, by the
way. Thank you.

'Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your Act I beginners' call.

'Act I beginners to the stage,
please.'

Better put that on.

I'll do that for you.

Just like old times.

Sorry. Shouldn't have said anything.

They obviously didn't want
you to know.

I hope it doesn't
affect your performance.

No, it's OK.
It's just a bit of a shock.

I think I know why she did it,
actually. Why?

Laura was responsible for Tony's
accident.

She obviously couldn't live
with the guilt.

That wasn't Laura.

It was me.

I spiked Tony's drink that day.

It was pure alcohol.
I took it from the wig store.

What?

And I got rid of Felicity for you.

She never would have put you on.

She couldn't see what I could see.

I said "she cupped my breast
in the Wendy House backstage".

Instant dismissal.

Why would you say that?

For you, Jim. For your career.

I've seen it happen too many times.
Genuine talent not being recognised.

Looking after Tony is the price
I pay for what I did.

Just as Laura's death is
the price you pay.

That was nothing to do with me.

I know it wasn't.

Your career HAD to come first.

You told her that.

Look, Jim...

I took it from Laura.

I think she wanted me to have it.

I'm waiting in the wings.

Like an understudy.

Have a good show.

I'll be watching.

Knock, knock.

Are you all set to "smile and smile
and be a villain"?

Yes...

Sorry.
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