02x05 - Nana's Party

[bunniefuu]

I'm just pulling in now.

What number was it?

Who called it in?

Oh, God. Doesn't sound
too good, does it?

Hope I'm not too late.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Hello there. Through here, is it?

Please! We need help! Please!

VACUUM CLEANER WHINES

Jim!

Jim, have you sorted out the
music like I asked you to?

Something appropriate this time,
not the soundtrack to The Mission.

I want it to be like a party, not
an advert for British Airways.

Jim!

Useless.

Oh, my God! Katie, what
HAVE you been doing?

What?

This mess! It's like a b*mb site!

Well, it's... it's just a book.

You've... you've knocked
over all the tassels,

are you trying to drive me mad?
I've only just tidied up in here.

Well, it is tidy! I'm
just doing my homework.

Well, you'll have to do it
upstairs. I can't have it

looking like Vietnam!

You know it's your
nana's party today.

Where's your father? Is he upstairs?

Dunno. What time are they coming?

~ Any minute!
~ SHE SLAMS DRAWER

If he's in that deckhouse watching
his Countdown videos,

I'll k*ll him.

Have you signed your nana's card?

No. I made her one with loads
of glue and glitter...

What?!

KATIE LAUGHS

Katie, it's not funny.

Are you trying to give
me a stroke? Oh, 79.

I just wish it was the 80th,
then we could have it all done.

~ That's nice!
~ Well, you know what I mean.

It's a lot of work.

Can you go and see if he's in
the deckhouse, please, Katie?

Do you mean "the shed"?

And can you bring me in some
of those sausage rolls

from the freezer. I DON'T
want to be caught short.

Right. The plates, napkins,
crisps for Carol...

No, that's not right.

~ Boo!
~ Oh!

Heh-heh! That got you, didn't it?!

What the bloody hell are you doing?

You'd better not have cut
a hole in that table!

No, the middle leaf slides out.

So!

Ah! what do you think?

About what?

I'm going to be under there when
Pat arrives with your mother.

You get him to move the cake,
he'll get the shock of his life!

Why?

Oh, come on, Angela.
You know what he's like.

You were furious when
he put clingfilm

over the downstairs toilet.

Yeah, and what about the time he
put wallpaper paste in the birdbath?

Oh, don't. I still see
that one-legged tit.

Exactly. He needs a taste
of his own medicine.

But not on my mother's birthday!

You can do it in your own time.

And what are we going
to do for a cake, now?

Oh!

He thinks I haven't
got a sense of humour.

He's unable to engage with
me on an intellectual level,

so he has to resort to
puerile practical jokes.

Well, you've just cut a hole
in my second-best table cloth,

so I think the joke's on me.

What time are they arriving?

Any minute. Can you just please...
straighten those tassels?

They are literally driving me mad.

I'm not happy about this, Jim.

Pat's got enough on
his plate without you

turning into Justin Bieber!

Who?

You know, the little man with the
beard, plays tricks on people.

Jeremy Beadle?

Well, whoever it was... Pat's got the
"Carol situation" to think about.

What's happening with that
now? Is it still bad?

It's worse.

According to Pat,

it's white wine in a coffee mug at
9.30 in the morning, apparently.

Mind you, if I were married to Pat,
I think I'd be driven to drink...

Now, it's important you don't
light the candles, Ange.

The exterior is all sugar-paste icing,
but it's just cardboard underneath.

I don't want to end
up as Joan of Arc.

Don't tell me. I'm
not getting involved.

Oh, come on, Angela!

You're always saying I'm boring,
I've got no sense of humour...

Oh, do you have to?
I'm going to my room.

Could you just... try and be
nice? Just for my mother's sake?

I'm always nice. I
just want my revenge.

CAR HORN HONKS

My God, they're here. I've
got one marigold inside out!

What am I supposed to do again?

Just get Pat to move the cake.

And don't let him plug
in his mobile phone.

All he ever wants to do
is steal our electricity.

Hello! Happy birthday, Mum. Come in.

I need to spend a penny
first. Is it this one?

Yeah...

And you've no need to
lock it this time, Mum.

LOCK CLICKS

We'll never get her
out now. Hiya, Carol.

Hiya, love. You all right?

Well, this is nice.

Oh, catalogue. Don't tell Pat.

~ I heard that, pardon.
~ Hiya, Pat.

I used to be a werewolf, but
I'm all right nooooowwww!

Do you need a hand with anything?

No, I've only got the one bag,
you've met my wife Carol.

Take that mask off, you daft sod.

You take yours off first.

~ Thanking you.
~ Thank you!

~ Right, please go through.
~ Ooh! Heh.

~ Aw, you've got it lovely, Ange.
~ Ooh! Ha-ha!

~ Take your shoes off!
~ Why?

Do you remember last time, when you shuffled
all that muck in? She went mad.

Well, it's their own fault. Who has a
white carpet now, except for Elton John?

Right, make yourselves at home.

Sorry, I've told him
to take his shoes off.

Oh, there's no need. Although I
might just, er, straighten the...

There... Right, what
can I get you to drink?

Er, she'll have a tea, won't you?

I can answer for myself!

Yeah, I'll have tea.

And you've got your own, Pat?

Yes, I'll pop them in
the fridge, if I may?

Ooh!

Where's Jimbo?

Oh, he's around somewhere.

Deckhouse, probably.

Oh! Countdown omnibus?

~ Who knows?
~ SHE FILLS KETTLE

Right, well, we'll just wait for
Mother to come out of the loo

and then we'll do
the cake, all right?

Oh, well, let her get
settled first, eh?

Is Katie not here?

No, no, she's up in her
room doing her homework.

We hardly see her since
we got her that tablet.

Oh, did you hear that, Pat?
They got her a tablet.

Mmm. Bit young to be
on the pill, isn't she?

It's a computer device.

No, he... He knows what it is.

Right! It's not flushed.
I can't make it flush.

Well, you push it. I
showed you last time.

I did push it, nothing happened.

It's all right, Mum, I'll do it.

Here, take this.

Oh! Don't be horrible!

At least you didn't put that
tinfoil over it again!

Clingfilm!

Did your pedestal mat come
out all right, Angela?

We disposed of it, it's fine.
Come through, Mother.

SHE TAKES DEEP BREATHS

You still on that diet, Pat?

Yes, I'm on a seafood diet.

~ If I see food, I eat it!
~ HE LAUGHS

Well, there's plenty
of salady stuff, anyway.

Oh, Angela, read this card that
he got for me, it's a scream!

You mind if I charge my
phone for an hour, Ange?

~ Running a bit low.
~ No, of course not.

Down here, is it?

Oh, no, no, just a minute.
I'll put it in up here, Pat.

"Forget about the past,
you can't change it.

"Forget about the future,
you can't predict it.

"Forget about the present,
I didn't get you one."

SHE LAUGHS Isn't that a scream?

Courtesy of Mr H Allmark!

Did you hear it, Angela?

Yes, Mother, it's... very funny.

Well, shall we move this cake
and make some room, Pat?

Could you?

Wait a minute, I want to take
a picture of the spread.

I told your cousin Ann
I'd show it to her.

Now, where's me camera?

Pat, have you seen my camera?

It's in the car, Maggie,
I'll be back in two shakes.

Don't be long!

Whoo! Ahh.

You used too much paper, Mum.
It's all right, it's gone now.

Oh, thanks Carol, love.

Come and have a look
at our Angela's spread.

She's done a prawn ring.

Aw, yeah. You can get them
quite cheap now, can't you?

It's all Marks's, actually.

Apart from the ham, which I
got from the local batchers.

From the what?

From the batchers.

The "batchers"? What's
the "batchers"?

Leave her alone. I
like her talking posh.

It's not posh, Mother, it's proper!

Oh, heh! We're not "proper", Mum!

I wanted BOTH my girls to talk nice!

That's why I sent you for
electrocution lessons.

You should say "batcher", Carol.
That's how you get on!

Oh, right. So what are we having
for afters, "sammer padding"?

Well, I did make a trifle,

but it's got quite a bit
of sherry in it, so...

~ KETTLE CLICKS
~ Kettle's boiled.

(Go on!)

I'll give you a hand.

Marks's is dear, though,
isn't it, Angela?

They sell carrots peeled.

FARTING SOUND

Get down!

~ Ahem!
~ JIM: Oh, Jesus Christ!

PAT SIGHS

Here we go, Maggie May. You
ready for your close-up?

Oh, yeah, go on. Get the spread in!

Oof, that meat's off.

No, it's fresh from the "batchers".

Right, hang on a minute, Mam,
let me get them candles lit.

~ No!
~ Eh?

No, don't... don't do it
yet. Jim'll want to see it.

Oh, he won't mind. You can
always light them again.

Mm, there's a special setting
on here for candles.

Come on, then, everyone bunch in!

I want both my daughters.

Three generations.

Ooh, where's your Katie?

She's upstairs doing her
homework. Just take it, Pat.

They've got her a tablet.

~ A what?
~ A computer. She's 14.

Oh, Angela, they don't
need computers at 14!

They do if they want to get into
St Catherine's. Just take it, Pat.

Right, then, say, "Cheesy Wotsits!"

Cheesy Wotsits!

Hi, Nana! Happy birthday!

Aw! Katie, you're here!

Just get in this and then
I'll have all my girls.

~ Hiya, darling!
~ Hi, Auntie Carol.

Hi, Uncle Pat.

Bloody hell, who's this?
You've sh*t up, haven't you?

Proper little madam.

Come on, then! Let's
get this photo taken.

Three generations.

Just let me refocus...

Oh... Come on, David Bailey,
hurry up! One, two, three...

~ Wait!
~ What?

I didn't show Katie the card.

Oh, show her after, Mum!

No, I want to show her now.

Listen to this, Katie.

"Forget about the past,
you can't change it."

Can we just...

"Forget about the future,
you can't predict it."

Mother, you can do that in a minute!

"Forget about the present,
I didn't get you one."

NAN LAUGHS

CAROL: Tickled you that, hasn't it?

Oh, it has! And I don't know
where he gets them from.

~ Mr H Allmark.
~ Well, it's funny, Nana.

Can you just blow the
bloody candles out?!

Oh, hang on! I have to make my wish.

~ Hey!
~ Mum! It's Nana's cake!

She took my wish!

Pat, could you move
the cake now, please?

~ CAMERA BLEEPS
~ Ah, no, battery's ran out.

I'll just nip and get the
charger from the car.

You don't mind, do you, Ange?

~ No, you can plug it in next to your mobile.
~ Thanking you!

Well, erm, I've got to get on with
my homework now, Nana, so...

Right, well, er, I'll just
nip to the loo, top myself up.

Where's my bag? La-la-la...

Katie, tell me about this
tablet. Is it a computer?

I have 23 tablets
a day, imagine that!

Well, that went well, didn't it?

Is this all of it? Mm, it's thin.

Is it magnetic?

You know, I bought
your mum one of these.

You had to drag iron filings
onto a man's face

and make little beards
and funny hair.

Can yours do that?

~ I don't know.
~ Hers did. There's nothing new.

Heh, well, you can play games
on it as well, Nana, look.

Oh, lovely colours!

Hello, is this the Princess Palace?

Oh, no! You've taken them all down!

Oh, you used to have all
the princesses, didn't you?!

Oh, Snow White, Cinderella,

the Chinese one, what was she
called now, not Chinkerbell...

Auntie Carol! You can't say that.

Yeah, I know, cos she wasn't a
proper princess, she was a fairy!

I've always thought it.

They try and bundle them all
together. It's a rip-off.

~ So... Party in your room, is it?
~ Yeah, well, erm...
~ Eh? Heh-heh!

..I've got to get
on with my homework.

Eh? Oh, there's time for work,
Katie. It's your nana's birthday!

I'm building a path on my
island. I don't know why!

You know your problem?
You're like your dad.

Too much in your head.

Oh, there's a whole world
out there, Katie!

Just...just have fun, because
it goes by so fast.

Will you let me do
your nails, please?

I've just got to get
on with my maths.

Oh, I'll tell you "maths", shall I?

One takes away from one, and
you're left with nothing.

Do you think I'd make
a good mum, Katie?

Be honest.

Yeah.

Correct! Mmmm.

CAROL SIGHS DRUNKENLY

Right, I'm going toilet.

SHE GROANS

Ah.

Hey, have I shown you this?

This is my block.

"Apply liberally for
24-hour protection."

SHE SNIGGERS

You won't get that. I do.

Just have fun.

SHE SIGHS

Now, how do I get back
to main menu, Katie?

I want to att*ck that village!

I think just leave it now, Jim.
It didn't work. It's too late.

It's not too late.

You get under there and I'll
get him to move the cake.

~ I'm not doing it!
~ Come on, he'll be back soon.

~ Oh, Jim, is it worth it?
~ Yes!

It's just a laugh, OK?
Now, get under the table.

Make it quick! I've got 24
sausage rolls to warm through.

HE CHUCKLES

Here he is, the man himself!
How are you, Jimbo?

I'm all right, thanks, Pat.

Angela's just nipped out
to get some more candles.

I didn't see her. She
didn't come past me.

No, she went out the back
and through the gardens.

It's slightly quicker.

How is Angela these days? I thought
she looked a bit tired.

You know, a little bit
puffy-eyed and pale.

She's all right. You
know what she's like.

She's always got some
project on the go.

Yes. I just wish Carol was like that.

Mm. How is Carol these days?

Fine, fine. Just need
to get her a little job.

~ She's ready now.
~ Good. Good.

Do you want to give me a
hand moving this cake, Pat?

~ I just want to make some more room.
~ Righty-ho.

Oh, before I forget, I've got that
Countdown video you lent me.

~ Don't worry about it.
~ No, no, I'm sure you'll want it back.

I'll just pop and get it.

Jim? What's going on?

Nothing, he's just...
He'll be back soon.

Where's he going? I'm starting
to get a stiff neck!

All right. Well, maybe we should
leave it, then. Do you want to...?

Here we go. Yes, quite a
decent episode, I thought.

~ A lot happens.
~ I can't remember, to be honest.

Well, there are three scenarios.

The first one involves a blonde
lady taking, shall we say,

~ two from the top and one in the bottom...
~ Pat!

Let me get you a drink.

You must be thirsty
after that long drive.

Have they still got those
roadworks up at Long Croft?

No, they've moved onto Ash Lane now.
There's temporary traffic lights,

but unless you're doing the
school run, it's not too bad.

Mm. So did you forgo the
pleasures of the A352?

Yes, I tend to take that
cut-through on Meadowbank now.

~ It's always quieter.
~ Ah, good. Good.

So, about this cake...

If you could give me a
hand, it is quite heavy.

Don't be leaving this
lying around, Jim.

Wouldn't want Katie putting
it on by accident.

No, I'll, er... I'll just
put it somewhere safe.

You see, I'm like you, Jim -

I can't watch hard-core
p*rn on a computer.

Give me an old-fashioned video
cassette any day of the week.

Oh. Well, good for you.

Yeah, I particularly enjoyed
this week's conundrum.

I might be returning to have another
go at that one, if you don't mind.

Don't know what you mean.

Charlie's Anals, starring
Farrah Forced-It,

Katy Jacked-Off and Jaclyn Clit.

~ Where do they come up with
these names, I ask you?!
~ Well, I, er...

Oh, God. What are you
two talking about?

Is he boring you, Jim?

No, we were just, er, discussing
an episode of Countdown.

Oh, weary.

Oh, let's get some music on,
get some life into this house!

~ Where's our Angela?
~ Oh, she just nipped out
to get some more candles.

It's a bit cold outside for
sun cream, isn't it, Carol?

Let me get you a nice refreshing
glass of Adam's Ale.

Piss off and leave
me alone, you fat pig.

As you wish.

Oh, God, what the hell
is this terrible music?

It's Ennio Morricone,
Carol. The Mission.

Ooh, my favourite position.

Mmmm.

Your Katie's got a
nice room, hasn't she?

Yes, she picked it all out herself.
She knows her own taste.

She's got a better bedroom than me.

That's ironical, isn't
it? Who sang that?

♪ It's ironical... ♪

I don't know.

She's got a lovely big bed.

Maybe we could christen
it one afternoon?

That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

Come on, my angel, have
a few sips on this.

~ Come on, Jim, dance with me!
~ No!

No, I think perhaps I should go and
put the sausage rolls in the oven.

Yeah, I wish you would.

~ Come on, Carol.
~ SHE SIGHS

Drop dead.

I'll just, erm... go
and fetch a towel.

~ I want to tell him, Jim.
~ What?!

I want to tell Pat
and whatsit... Angela.

Carol, shush! Why are
you saying all this?

Because you've made promises
to me over the years!

~ Years? What are you talking...?!
~ No, I want them told today.

It's humiliating for me
to have to come round here

and see all what she's got. Why
are you still with her, Jim?

You told me you couldn't
stand the sight of her.

~ No, that's not true, Ange.
~ Oh, I want this to be my house.

I want this spread to be my spread.

I want you to put your sausage
rolls in my oven - fan assisted.

Please discard all packaging,
turn over after 15 minutes

when the juices run clear...
or is that a chicken?

Stop it!

I waited for you, Jim.

~ You promised me a baby.
~ Carol, stop it!

Katie, do you want to know what your
sister's name was going to be?

Don't listen to her, she's drunk!

I love you.

Oh, you'll have to get
one of these for my 80th!

~ Hello, Jim, love. Are you all right?
~ Yes. Happy birthday, Maggie.

Hello, Katie.

~ Aw, here she is. Katie,
come and dance with me.
~ MUSIC PLAYS

Where's Angela? I want to show
her that I built a settlement.

Oh, she won't be long. She's
just running an errand.

It's got pigs and everything.

I think I'd like a drink now, Jim.

~ Can I have a gin and tonic, please?
~ Yes, right. Do you want ice?

~ Yes, but don't be putting willies in it.
~ What?

Pat has these ice cubes at his
house in the shape of willies.

You fill the tray with water,
put it in the freezer,

and out comes 24 little ice willies.

It's comical. Isn't it, Carol?

I'm just telling Jim
about Pat's willies.

I wouldn't know, I haven't
seen it in years.

He keeps it hid.

I'll have a Jim and tonic
if you're making one, Gin.

~ Do you want one, Katie?
~ Erm...

~ No, I've got to finish my maths.
~ Oh, Katie, live!

Live while you're still young!
Don't let it pass you by.

MUSIC STOPS Here you go, Maggie.

Thank you.

~ Come on, Carol - I think you
should go and have a lie down.
~ Aw!

~ SHE GIGGLES
~ Did you hear that, Katie?

Your dad's trying to get me into
bed. What do you think about that?

~ Right, that's enough!
~ Don't you touch me!

~ I'm bonding with Katie. If
I'm going to be her stepmum...
~ What?!

For God's sake, Carol,
shut your mouth!

Don't talk to her like that, Jim.

Come on, Carol, love.

Oh, you've ruined my make-up now.

SHE SOBS

I don't know why I bothered!

I don't know what's got into her.

It's all right, Jim,
it's all under control.

~ She just started ranting and raving...
~ Jim.

I know.

All right?

I know.

Know what?

What's he talking about?

Where's Mum?

~ She just...
~ Right, everyone, I am making my wish.

~ No!
~ I want a tablet!

Angela!

What?

I nip out for five minutes,
all hell breaks loose.

Oh, thank God.

I'm sorry I spoilt your trick, Jim,

I just couldn't stay under there any
longer. My knees were k*lling me.

Oh, it's all right. It
was a stupid idea anyway.

I went and got Mum a proper cake.

I nipped out when you and
Pat were in the kitchen.

Ah, so you missed
all the drama, then?

~ Why, what's been happening?
~ Oh, nothing.

Just your sister acting up again.

~ Mum?
~ Mm?
~ I really need to speak to you.

Why, what's going on?

~ COUGHING
~ Nana?

~ She's choking!
~ Mother, what...? What have you given her?!

Gin and tonic!

~ SHE COUGHS AND CHOKES
~ It's the ice!

If she's choking on one
of your willies...!

Come on, Mother.

It's spiders. I put
spiders in them, look!

Bloody idiot! Call an ambulance!

~ Nana?
~ Katie, your Auntie Carol's
a little bit drunk.

~ Don't pay her any mind.
~ What?

~ Where's my phone? Where's my phone?!
~ Patrick! What have you
done with this bloody soap?

~ SHE SHRIEKS
~ Oh!

Please, Katie, your mother
wouldn't understand.

Come on, Mother, cough it up!

~ DOORBELL RINGS
~ That'll be the ambulance.

~ Go on, Katie, let them in.
~ We didn't call an ambulance...

You all right? Don't leave
me. Don't you leave me.

Please! We need help! Please!

Right, which one of you's Maggie?

~ Here.
~ SHE COUGHS

Right, stand back, everyone.

MUSIC: Casualty theme tune

Pat! Is this you?

Happy birthday, Maggie.

Oh, well, what a day.

I don't know what you're
going to do for my 80th!

Yes. We'll have to see.

I'm going to keep this spider.

My lucky charm.

Where did our Angela get to?

She's upstairs with Katie.

I don't know what they're
talking about.

Do you think Pat'll be all right?

Yeah. He's got Carol
to look after him.

Yeah. They're a grand
couple, aren't they?

Nice of him to have booked
that lad for me.

He said he wasn't going
to get me a present.

Oh, that reminds me.

I didn't read his card to you, did I?

Listen to this.

"Forget about the past,
you can't change it.

"Forget about the future,
you can't predict it.

"Forget about the present,

"I didn't get you one."

Isn't that a scream?