02x06 - Seance Time

[bunniefuu]

RAIN AND LIGHT THUNDER

EERIE MUSIC

CLOCK TICKS

TAMBOURINE SHAKES

DOOR OPENS

This way, please. Thank
you for being prompt.

Madam Talbot doesn't
enjoy latecomers.

Thanks. Sorry.

Erm, what is it you do, if I may ask?

I work in a phone shop.

Ah, from one line of
communication to another.

Er, may I ask, have you
ever made contact before?

At the phone shop?

Through mediumship.

Oh sorry. I'm a bit nervous.

No, my sister recommended
Miss... Madam Talbot

but I've never been to
anything like this before.

Let me take your coat.

Would you care for a glass of water?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Please take a seat.

May I request if you do
have a mobile telephone

you switch it off now.

And I will tell Madam Talbot
that you're ready.

EERIE MUSIC

MUSIC BOX TUNE PLAYS

Tina, please may you stand.

Yes, sorry.

May I present... Madam Talbot.

You may be seated.

HIGH-PITCHED: Why have
you come here, my child?

My sister saw you after
she lost her husband.

I haven't actually lost
anyone recently but...

I understand.

The curious are often drawn here,
for a glimpse of Summerland.

What's Summerland?

Good question. It means
the astral plain.

Let us see who may be
waiting for you there.

Hives, Mary is sleeping now.

HYMN MUSIC PLAYS

All is ready.

TINA GASPS

Let us link hands.

Sorry, sweaty palms.

Now, let us bow our heads
in meditation and prayer.

MADAM TALBOT GROANS

If there are indeed any
astrals here today...

.. please let yourselves
be known to us.

MADAM TALBOT WAILS

TAMBOURINE SHAKES

Do not break the circle, Tina.
The circle is our protection.

DEMONIC VOICE: Who calls?

Please indulge us here
on this earthly plain.

May we ask your name?

GHOSTLY WAILING

Oh, God, I don't like it!

Keep looking, Tina.
What is your name?

Is there anyone amongst
us here known to you?

DEMONIC VOICE: Tina!

~ Oh, sh*t.
~ Talk to it, Tina. Ask it who it is.

~ I don't want to.
~ You must!
~ Who are you?

VINYL RECORD SCRATCHES BABY CRIES

DEMONIC VOICE: I am in
pain, Tina. Help me.

What do you want me to do?

DEMONIC VOICE: I will come to you...

~ I don't like it! I don't like it!
~ DEMONIC VOICE: I'm here!

~ No!
~ Tina.

TINA SCREAMS

Do not break the circle, Tina!

TINA SCREAMS

BABY CRIES

~ Tina, you have to stop it!
~ I can't!

You have to!

I don't know how!

~ There's only one way!
~ How?

By smiling at the camera and saying,
"Hi, I'm on Scaredy Cam!"

What?

JOKEY MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, my God. It's you.

That's right. Look through there.

Give us a wave and say,
"Hi, I'm on Scaredy Cam!"

~ I used to be such a massive fan.
~ I can't believe...

Just say it.

Hi, my name's Tina and
I'm on Scaredy Cam!"

All right, we got
that, Terry, thanks.

John, did you hear we
had a "sh*t" at 10.02?

Do you think we can
get away with that?

sh*t for two bloodies.
Seems fair enough.

Thank you. Right.

'Oh, Terry, while you're there,
can we get you to do the link

'into part two please?'

Yeah, could I get a cold
Diet Coke please, Gemma?

~ 'Sure.'
~ I'd like a Diet Coke as well, please, Gemma.

So, am I actually going
to be on telly?

Yeah, you'll be part of a montage.

We do it a few times to
get the best reactions.

Brilliant, cos I thought
they cancelled it.

They did, but it's back now.

~ On ITV?
~ No.

I'm ready.

'Yeah, we're rolling.'

So, join us after the break

and we'll be counting
down our top ten terrors

and we reveal which rank you voted
as our funniest ever fright.

Don't you dare go away.

Could you not move around
when I'm recording, please?

Incredibly distracting. And there
was a bear on the records.

Could someone shift
it before we go again?

I'll need to do checks on
Anne before we go again.

And the little... what is his name?

Erm, I'm not sure.

My favourite one was with you as
the gorilla and there was a child.

Yes, I know. I was there, I
did it. Gemma, could you...?

Oh, yes, sorry. Tina, do you
want to come through with me?

Just get you to sign
some release forms.

~ Can I get a water please,
Gemma? I'm parched.
~ GEMMA: Sure.

ANNE: Terry darling, could you leave
more of a gap before coming in

with the, "Let us bow our heads
in meditation and prayer" bit?

I wanted to get on with the
heavy breathing trancy stuff

and I just felt it all
got a bit trampled over.

Yes, Anne, no problem.

It's only a b*at, but I think
it's more dramatic, don't you?

Absolutely.

It's a hidden camera show, not
the f*cking National Theatre.

And could someone bring
me a foot stool, please?

My ankles are swelling.

Could you try doing it without
maybe sweating quite so much?

Well, it's very hot in there.

I don't know why I have
to be blue, anyway.

It's just in the script,
wasn't it? Blue Demon Dwarf.

~ How's the nails?
~ Lost one. Said I would, didn't I?

Always happens.

Well, we'll have to find it,
cos they're specially made.

So, erm, do you play a lot of demons?

No, why do you say that?

Well, anyway, a part's
a part, isn't it?

Doesn't matter if you're
d*ck Whittington's cat

in Darlington for three
months or Hamlet.

Have you played Hamlet?

No. Love to.

~ Amanda, sweetie?
~ Yeah?

I need these contacts
out before we go again.

I can't have red eyes,
I'm on stage tonight.

Yes, sorry, Anne. I'll
go and fetch the solution.

Keep pressing on that.

ANNE SIGHS

So, are you treading the
boards at the moment, Anne?

Yes.

Anything good?

~ Not really. Director's useless.
~ Hmm, what's wrong?

He's a drunk, darling, shits the bed.

Right. We had a tricky director
on Whittington, actually.

Yeah, he sort of came from more
of a physical theatre background

and so made me do lots of
character work about the cats

but I'm allergic so...

Could you put the warm prop
back in its box, please?

It's pissing Anne off and I'll be
getting calls from her agent again.

~ Sure, one second.
~ I don't know why I keep booking dwarves,

they're always a pain in the ass.

Er, I don't think
he's a dwarf, is he?

Course he is. Look at him.

~ How did that last one look
anyway? Was it all right?
~ Good. It was funny.

~ Funny?
~ And scary.

The girl was a bit
dead-eyed, wasn't she?

I've seen road k*ll
with better reactions.

Sorry, would it be possible
to get your autograph?

~ Yeah, course. No problem. What's your name?
~ Tina.

Erm, Terry, with this top ten thing,

do you still want the scarecrow
one at number one?

Yes, please. There you go.

Because I've been looking online and
people seem to love the gorilla one.

Yeah, that's my favourite. With
the little boy. It was so funny.

~ No, I don't want that one in the top ten.
~ When he wet himself.

Yeah, well, it was live TV. We
couldn't do anything about that.

~ Cos I was thinking, we could
track the boy down, get him back.
~ No.

It's a public vote. Just stick
to the one I chose, OK?

I'll get my own Diet
Coke then, shall I?

He comes over much
nicer on the telly.

It's all done in the edit.

Ah, oh thank you, sweetie. And
could I have a tissue, please?

I need to blow my nose.

I don't know why but wearing
contacts always makes me snotty.

I have that when I eat a curry.

Anne, can I get you to
step off for a little bit?

The FX team needs to look
at your ectoplasm pipe.

Oh, there's an offer
you can't refuse.

No, I just need five minutes
without being fiddled with.

I've got a performance
of Hedda Gabler tonight

and I'm not doing it looking
like Christopher Lee.

Did you want a chair to
rest your ankles on, Anne?

No, thank you, I'm not an invalid.

Right, could we get you into position,
please... erm... Mr Demon.

Can I have some water first?
It's so hot in there.

It's stifling, Gemma.

We need air-con units,
I said this last week.

You would not have
cattle in this heat.

~ It is warm.
~ I'm serious.

You would not be allowed
to keep cattle in this heat

but actors... it's fine.

Amanda, could you get
the artists some water?

OK, so can we get you...

~ Terry, can I ask you something?
~ Yes.

In the original script I got sent

it said the character was
"spirit of little boy."

~ Yes. We changed it.
~ Can I ask why?

Because Blue Demon Dwarf is scarier.

~ But will it be in the credits as dwarf?
~ Because, obviously...

~ What?
~ I'm not a dwarf.

~ Right.
~ Did you think I was?
~ No, course not.

Because I never would
have taken the role

if I'd known it was all going
to be scary dwarf acting.

~ So what kind of acting do you normally do?
~ A variety, you know.

Like, I did a short
film a few years ago,

where I played this guy
in a park who meets this

really gorgeous girl with a dog.
And the dog keeps looking at me...

Yeah, one second and I do
want to hear this... Gemma.

Could you just tell me I've got to
go and put my moustache back on?

I don't want to get trapped with
that, I can't bear it, OK?

Terry, you've got to go
and put your moustache on.

Oh, OK. Will do. Sorry.

Will someone mop up that water, please?
That's how accidents happen.

Erm, I really do need you back
in your hutch, I'm afraid.

~ Hutch? I'm not a gerbil!
~ Carl, all good?

~ Who wanted water?
~ Me!
~ ANNE: Er, me, please!

GEMMA: Oh, yeah, Terry
said we needed a mop.

Oh, never mind.

Erm, can we get Anne's contacts back
in as soon as possible, please?

ANNE: There's too much
fiddling on this.

I was in and out of
a coma for a BBC thing

and it could have been
a nightmare, but it wasn't

because the prop guys were fantastic.

GEMMA: Can we check the lights?

Did my water come?

Sorry.

OK, roll cameras and
good luck, studio.

DOOR OPENS This way, please.

Thank you for being prompt.

Madam Talbot doesn't
enjoy latecomers.

What is it you do, if I may ask?

I'm really sorry, I think
I've stood in some dog sh*t.

~ Er, oh.
~ Have a look. Have you
got a tissue or something?

~ Erm...
~ It's everywhere. f*cking hell.
~ No, please, let me take your shoe.

Sorry about this. Meant
to be lucky, innit?

Or is that just if
a bird shits on you?

Yeah, it's just birds I think. Yes.

A mate of mine was going
out with this bird, yeah,

and she wanted him to lie under
a glass coffee table...

~ I'll just take this outside,
I won't be a moment.
~ All right.

PETER SNIFFS

PETER SNIFFS

~ What's he doing?
~ He's pulled it off.

Oh, God, we can't use any of this.

sh*t! f*ck!

What the f*ck's that doing there?

sh1tting hell.

~ f*ck.
~ Huh?

~ This just stuck in my foot.
~ What is it?

Dunno? Looks like a black
nail or something.

Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe one of Madam
Talbot's, I do apologise.

Erm, so have you ever
made contact before?

No, mate.

Don't really know what I'm doing
here to be honest with ya.

~ My mate put me up to it.
~ Ain't that bothered, truth be told.

Great. Er, well, if you'd
like to take a seat here.

Er, may I request that if you
do have a mobile telephone

you switch it off now.

I will tell Madam Talbot
you are ready.

All right, fella.

PETER SNIFFS

Martin. It's me. I'm at
the ghost woman's house.

This better not be a f*cking
wind-up. Ring me back.

Don't take me for a prick, yeah.
I've got better things to do.

We have to bleep all of this.

Cue Terry.

Peter, please may you stand.

May I present Ma... PHONE RINGS

Oh, hang on.

All right, that was quick.
Just left you a message.

.. Madam Talbot.

f*cking hell, here we go. She's
here. Yeah, I'll call you later.

Cheers, buddy. All right.

~ HE SNIFFS
~ All right?

You may be seated.

HIGH PITCHED: Hives,
Mary is sleeping now.

PETER SNORTS

Sorry. I didn't mean to laugh.

Why have you come here, my child?

My mate Martin said I should. He
said you're like Derren Brown.

He likes sh*t like that.

The curious are often drawn here,
for a glimpse of Summerland.

I'm not curious.

Good question. It means
the astral plain.

What?

All is ready.

What's wrong with her eyes?

Madam Talbot suffers from cataracts,

but she's only managed
to get one done.

Let us link hands.

You're having a laugh, ain't ya?

Now, let us bow our head. Sorry.

MADAM TALBOT WAILS

BOY WHISPERS: Mummy.

What?

BOY WHISPERS: Where's mummy?

Anne?

MADAM TALBOT WAILS

Now, let us bow our heads
in meditation and prayer.

If there are indeed any
astrals here today,

we humbly ask you to give us a sign.

Anything?

No?

sh*t. Cue the dwarf.

MADAM TALBOT WAILS

~ Is there anybody here known to you?
~ DEMONIC VOICE: Tina.

~ No.
~ Peter.

Whoa!

BABY CRIES Talk to it, Peter.

Ask it what it wants.

~ DEMONIC VOICE: I'm here.
~ What do you want?

~ Peter.
~ PETER SCREAMS

sh*t.

What has happened, Hives? For
I am blind and can only sense.

Yeah, all right, drop it, Anne.
What are you doing, you moron?

~ GEMMA: Peter, it's a prank. It's a prank.
~ What?

~ You're being filmed for Scaredy Cam.
~ What's Scaredy Cam?

Oh, f*ck off, it's
a hidden camera show.

Gemma, where do you
find these people?

~ And someone tell Pepe and
his friend we've stopped.
~ Carl.

I'm sorry, I didn't... I just...

~ Is he all right?
~ He's bleeding.

Ah, eww, not on the wig
I hope. It's a hire.

~ Are you OK? Oh, what is his name?
~ ANNE: I never did hear it.

I want to say Tom for some reason,
but am I thinking of Tom Thumb?

He's just Blue Demon
Dwarf on the call sheet.

Who cares what his name
is? Just get him up.

Amanda, call an ambulance.

ANNE: I told you there should
have been a unit nurse.

~ I said on day one.
~ Only because you wanted free Lemsips.

Excuse me, eight shows a week
and a telly in the daytime.

You'd be wanting medication.

~ I'm sorry, I thought he was a monster.
~ He's an actor.

ANNE: Broadly speaking.

I didn't mean to hurt
him, I just panicked.

Yeah, um... We've
got a little person.

He's been involved in an accident.

No, no he's not a child,
he's sort of a short...

Oh, for God's sake,
you can say dwarf!

GASPING: I'm not a dwarf.

He's come to. Can you hear me?

Well, he is blue at the moment,
but he might not be underneath.

Would you take that outside,
please, Amanda?

Look, nobody bite my head off,

but might I be permitted
to take my slap off and go?

I just can't do three hours
of Ibsen on an empty stomach

and I did spy a Yo
Sushi on the corner.

~ Oh, shut up, will you, Anne?
~ I beg your pardon?

~ I said shut up, I'm trying to think.
~ How dare you!

No-one has ever spoken
to me like that before

and I've done Shoestring.

GEMMA: Oh, my God, he's
stopped breathing.

Oh, brilliant!

This show got cancelled last time,

cos a little boy pissed
his pants on live TV.

We got 97 complaints and I
ended up doing bingo adverts.

I'm not going back there,
Gemma. Do you understand me?

He's dead.

Oh, God!

~ We'd better ring the police.
~ Oh, f*ck's sake.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

And flights of angels
sing thee to thy rest.

I'm not too old for Gertrude, am I?

Ambulance is on its way.

He's dead. He d*ed.

Oh, can I pop back in and grab the
teeth then? They cost a fortune.

I wouldn't touch them if I were you.

~ The police will want to talk to us all.
~ I haven't done anything.

I've just been sitting on my
make-up box the whole time.

Yeah. Just go and wait
in the green room.

They'll be here soon enough.

Why's it always me?

I will need that wig though. It
needs to go back into storage.

What a shame. It's f*cking funny.

Where's Amanda? I need this contact
out. I look like Columbo.

She's in the green room.

Oh fine. I'll de-rig
myself then, shall I?

All hands to the pump. It's
like doing profit share.

~ ANNE SIGHS
~ Police are on their way.

~ Well, I hope you didn't mention me.
~ I did. Never heard of you.

What do you think'll happen?

Probably cancel the series
again. Er, stop any repeats.

My contract won't be renewed and I'll
be blacklisted from the channel.

No, I meant what do you
think'll happen to me?

Don't know. It'll probably
end up as a clip on YouTube.

Three million hits that pissing boy
got, I didn't see a penny of it.

I'm sorry for spoiling
your programme.

Oh, no, it's fine. You were
swearing too much anyway.

~ And that was before you m*rder*d a dwarf.
~ I didn't m*rder him.

No, of course you didn't. And
if anything, it was his fault.

Whose fault?

Little what's his face.
He missed his cue.

And what were you saying
anyway? "Where's Mummy?"

~ What was all that about?
~ I don't remember. I must have dried.

Same thing happened to
me in A Taste of Honey

at the Royal Exchange.

I suddenly went into a
recipe for banana bread.

Audience never clocked.

Right, I'm going to get changed
before the police get here.

Do you know, I was
very nearly Marple.

They said I wasn't
sweet enough. f*ckers.

Look, it was an accident. You
can't predict these things.

Thanks.

Can I get my shoe back?

~ Oh, sure, er, it's in the corridor.
~ OK.
~ Yeah.

Don't worry. It'll be fine.

Can we run a background check on him?

~ See if there's any history
of mental illness.
~ What do you mean?

Well, then it's all his fault, isn't
it? We can pin it all on him.

Terry, that's the last thing
on my mind at the moment.

I'm trying to save the programme.
Don't you want a career?

Not if it means treating
people like sh*t.

Well, you're in the wrong job then.

Yeah, maybe I am. Good luck
with your bingo adverts.

Yeah, well Les Dennis
is doing them now so...

DOOR SLAMS

Oh, thank Christ.

Hello.

Are you all right?

You had us all worried
there for a minute.

Sorry, I don't know your name.

Spirit of little boy.

Er, no, we changed that. Remember?

I'm sad.

Yes. Sorry about that. Erm, well
at least you're all right now.

~ I didn't like it.
~ No.

No, but, er, we're going to
do everything in our power

to make sure that
guy gets prosecuted.

I didn't like it when you were
the gorilla. I was scared.

Gorilla?

They all laughed at me. It was
easier to jump in the river.

What?

Mummy didn't see. It
was cold in the water.

Tom-Tom didn't like it.

I'm sorry. Er, I didn't know.

It was just a stupid bit of telly.

I didn't think.

Oh, hang on. Oh, very funny.

Er, yeah, well done
guys. Very elaborate.

You nearly had me for
a minute. Yeah, hello.

I've got to hand it to you fella,
you're a much better actor

than I first...

BOY WHISPERS: Mummy. Where's mummy?

Terry, the police are here...

Oh, he must be in the other room.

Terry, what's happened?

I'm on Scaredy Cam.