01x05 - All's Fair

[bunniefuu]

- Darrowby 2297.

- Hello, Mrs Pumphrey's butler here.

- Yes, Francois, Flop Bot again?

- Non, Tricki's struggling to breathe.

- That does sound bad.

- Mrs Pumphrey would like you to come.

- All right, I'll be there as soon as I can.

- Merci.

Thank you.

Maggie! Maggie, come on wake up.

Come on.

It's seven o'clock.

Oh, bugger! Come on.

I'll see you later.

- If you're in the pub.

- See you later.

Quiet down, Jess!

- In here.

- Wait, Tristan!

- Morning.

- Oh.

Thank you, John.

Good morning, Mrs Hall.

You were wearing that yesterday.

Just trying to ease the laundry burden before I leave for college next week.

- Morning.

- Just the man.

- For what exactly? It's only a week before I go and there's that small matter of my cheque.

- Cheque.

What cheque?

- For food.

Lodgings.

Oh, don't worry about that.

You're family.

Happy to help.



- No.

So I can go back to college?

- Oh, I see.



- You're not leaving today, are you?

- No, but Cos there's a list of medicines to make up, as long as your arm.

Be glad to.

Oh, and would you mind answering the phone, morning and night.

James and Mrs Hall are far too busy.

Stay calm.

Don't enrage him.

Siegfried? Don't! Don't what? Don't you think we do as well to just get it over with? Once you've convinced me you deserve it.

I thought you wanted me to go to college.

No.

I want you to pass your exams.

I know from bitter experience, that one is not necessarily followed by the other.

It'll be different this time.

I'll apply myself.

Hudson's instrument please.

If you want that cheque, Tristan,

- you'll need to earn it.



- What are you doing? Thank you.

It's a lot of money, you can't just expect him to hand it over just like that.

Especially if he thinks you're gonna waste it.

Stop that.



- Agh!

- You'll make the wall grubby.

Keep your nose clean, stay out of his whisky, and don't give him any excuse.

Oh, you know me, good as gold.

That your shade? Ah, we fell asleep on the sofa.

Hop it, you.

Thank you.

Only one more week.



- Good morning, Mrs Pumphrey.



- Oh, thank you so much for coming.

Let's take a look at you, Tricki.

Can you hear all that rasping and wheezing? It's like he's got a little steam train inside him? I asked Francois to build the fires

- up, but it hasn't made much difference.



- It's not the cold.

Don't tell me it's the Spanish Flu.

I couldn't bear it.

I've never heard of that crossing over into the canine species before.

It's not, a weak heart? You've been sticking to the diet I prescribed? To the letter, Mr Herriot.

One cup of biscuits, twice daily? Perhaps not every letter.

We all need the odd treat or life becomes a little dull.

Don't you think? Tricki

-woo is becoming dangerously overweight.



- He's struggling to breathe.



- He's going to die.

He's not going to die.

But he's been so listless, Mr Herriot.

I thought he must be suffering from malnutrition, so I've been giving him a little extra between meals, just to build him up.

Dare I ask? A little calf's foot jelly, uh, cod liver oil, beef Wellington.

And a bowl of Horlicks at night to help him sleep.

Oh, dear, he's never been away from home before.



- Are you sure this is quite necessary?

- Absolutely.

We'll keep him at Skeldale House under observation.

That way, we can rule out anything more serious.



- What's all this?

- Oh, just a few essentials for Tricki.

Can't have him going without.

Oh, goodbye, my precious! Oh, this is too tragic.

I'll take good care of him.

You have my word.

Vomiting again, he is.

What did he have for breakfast? Oh, right.

Any odds and sods.

Leftovers from my dinner, bones from the butcher.

I catch him eating newspaper.

Well, I think probably his diet might have something to do with his upset stomach.

Oh, I can't afford to be giving him the tip

-top stuff.

All right.

Would you have a closer look at him, then? Easy now.

Err, he seems lively enough.

Let's, erm, try some different medication.

See if that settles things down.

What are you up to in here? Preparing the medicines, as ordered.

Five drops in his water, every day.



- How much will that be then?

- Oh, don't worry about that.

We'll save that for you and Clancy.

What's all this? Tricki's essentials.

He's here for a period of convalescence.

Err, he won't be needing his hamper of goodies.

Oh, don't be too hasty, James, we need to ease the poor boy in.

Just pop it on the table over there.

Thank you, Charlie.

That dog is an absolute disgrace.

It's not his fault.

Mrs Pumphrey overindulges him.

All the fine foods, the pampering.

It's done him no good whatsoever.

He's been spoilt.



- I know it comes from a place of love.



- Well, of sorts.

He's learnt so many bad habits, the eating, the lack of exercise.

The inability to carry out the most basic instructions! I don't know.

He gives paw pretty well.

Paw.

He can't even answer the bloody phone! The phone? I mean, I don't know how he ever would, that would be fairly extraordinary.

Siegfried?

- Can you in fact hear that?

- What?

- Don't worry.

I'll get it.

No, you won't! Don't you dare! It's his job.

I told him to do it, and he'll damn well do it.

Don't you walk away when I'm talking to you! Well, I thought you wanted me to answer the phone.



- Can no

-one hear that?

- Don't answer it! He has to do it.

Genuinely no idea what you want me to do.

I'm fed up to the back teeth with you! All you do is laze around, fattening yourself, while I foot the bill!

- Ow!

- Well, you can wave goodbye to your cheque, until you buck your bloody ideas up! Darrowby 2297.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll give these a good scrub afterwards.

Mm I'm going to get you fighting fit, Tricki.

Shouldn't you be making yourself useful? Hm? Oh, my brother's little tantrum yesterday? No, I wouldn't worry about that, Mrs H, he'll want me gone soon enough.

Well, that may be so, but it mightn't be to where you want to be.

Let me help you with that, Jim.

Good morning, Siegfried.

How much did you say it was, Jim? An ounce of biscuits? An ounce and a half.

Jim has left me in charge of Tricki today.



- More fool him.



- Actually, Tris James is needed up at Dobson's.

Helen called last night, her bull's having trouble performing.

She asked for him specifically.



- Oh, that'll be awkward!

- Why's that? It won't be.

It's not.

Go on, then, James, you've a few to get through this morning.

I promised Mrs Pumphrey I'd take good care of him Which is why you entrusted me with Tricki, hey? Ooh! Oh, you're not afraid of that little thing? Being fearful is the sign of a higher intellect.

He needs regular exercise and lots of water.

Yes, yes.

I think I can just about manage.



- Will you come to church with me this morning?

- Yes.

Lord knows I have enough to pray for.



- I'm doing your favourite, roast beef.



- Ooh! Make sure you earn it.



- Understood.



- Shall we? Sorry, Tricki, doctor's orders!

- Morning.

.



- Thanks for coming.

I thought you were gonna put lead in his pencil, not a b*llet in the back of his head.

No offence, lad.

Now, Mr Dobson.

You know James was in the right on that one.

Mm, aye.

I understand Clive's having some difficulty serving the cows.

Aye, he's not showing much interest.

Much? He's not been up on any of 'em.

You said your bull will perform.

And if he don't get 'em knocked up, then I shan't be paying.



- How long's Clive been in with them?

- A week now.

Mr Dobson's been giving his cows plenty of water, so he should smell 'em well enough.

Has this happened before? Never.

Most of the time it's getting him to stop that's the trouble.

From my experience that's often the way.

Really? With bulls.

Shall we take a look at him? Hello, old friend.

Remember me? Tricki.

Oi, Tricki.



- You left Tricki in the care of Tristan?

- He'll be fine.

He will, won't he? Is it all right down there? Impressive and healthy.

We'll give him a sh*t of testosterone, see if that gets him going.

Any idea how long that'll take before it as an effect?

- Should be fairly immediate.



- Good.

I don't know how you Dales farmers do it, your livelihood's constantly at the mercy of nature.

We do our best to keep up with the rent, Hugh's good to us, not that I like to ask it of him.

He's your landlord? Since he inherited the estate.

He lost his father around the same time I did my mam.

That's really what got us together.

I got the impression it had been going on longer.

We've knocked about together since we were kids, well, when he wasn't away at his school, at any rate.

That should perk him up a bit.

Right.

Don't you be shy, this time.

We should probably make a quick exit, the testosterone might make him a tad aggressive.

Hello, Mr Herriot.

Afternoon, Mrs Dobson! I'll see you at the house.

Hope you didn't have a big breakfast.



- Why's that?

- You'll see.

Go on, lad.

Don't be shy.

Go on! Tricki.

Come in, Mr Mulligan.

I'm sorry to put you out like this, Mr Farnon.

Clancy was sick again this morning.

No trouble at all, we would never leave an animal in distress.

We have not stopped all morning.

Just point me in the right direction, Siegfried,

- no task is too great.



- Then you'll have no qualms about examining Clancy? Oh, good God! What a delightful animal.

If you'd just like to come through here.

Yes.

Come on Clancy.

Come on.

Sieg All right.

There you go.

What seems to be the problem, Joe? Well, he's still vomiting bad, he is.

MR Farnon gave him some medication

- but it don't seem to have done the trick.



- I see.

You'll be wanting to have a good look over him, then? Hmm? Oh, yes.

Yes.

Naturally.

Yes.

Not on your nelly.

Joe.

Joe.

This should be enough to last you a week or so.

Well, thank you kindly, sir.

Real gentleman, isn't he, Clancy? Come on Clans.

How can he love something so ferocious? No doubt he faced worse terrors on the front.

Many men like him lost their hearing as a result.



- Was the hound much trouble?

- Oh, not really.

He seemed lively enough.

Just needs to improve his diet.

So now we're responsible for feeding every poorly nourished dog in Darrowby?

- Siegfried, it's one packet of food.



- Oh, I know.

That's kind of you.

We can't make a habit of it.

Even though his bad diet is probably the root cause of the vomiting?

- What do you mean by probably?

- Possibly.

Apparently.

Presumably.

I know what it means.

Why say it? You should know! Well, can anyone ever be certain? I take it you did a full examination to rule out, anything else? Mm

-hm.

Yes.

As I'm sure you did, when you last saw him?

- Naturally.



- Well, there we are then.

Come on, Tricki, time for another walk.

Thank you for the feast, Mrs Dobson.

Here, take these sausages, Mr Herriot.

Bye, love.

God, you could roll me home.

Dales hospitality.

One of the perks of the job.

I haven't given you so much as a glass of water.



- I'm feeling guilty now.



- Oh, don't be.

I could give you a lift home if you like.

It's really no bother.

Oh, thanks.

Is that Hugh? Problem? Nothing for you to worry yourself about, Herriot.



- Helen.



- Hello, Hugh.

What a lovely surprise? James gave me a lift back from Mr Dobson's.

Very gallant of you.



- See you've thrown a shoe.



- Hm?

- Flat tyre.



- Right, yes.

Funny.

I've already sent for a mechanic.

He should be along in a moment.

I don't mind giving it a go.

Is there a tool kit in the back? Um You know, I've no idea.

Really, Herriot, it's actually quite a valuable car.

Well, James sounds like he knows what he's doing.

Come on, please, Tricki, the pub's just there, it's no distance at all.

Hey.

There might be a lady dog in there.

I won't cr*ck.

I'm not carrying you.

Genuinely.

I'm not.

Siegfried will let me jump through one hoop after another.

Aww! Isn't he just gorgeous.

Eventually the hoops will get so high, that I'll get caught halfway and be left dangling with my backside in the wind.

Now that's a lovely image.

Can I hold him? Be my guest.

Hello! Come here.

I need to get Tricki walking and lose weight to get my cheque from Siegfried.

You know, Maggie, I'm beginning to wonder if you're really engaging with this problem of mine.

You want him to give you money and he wants you to earn it, doesn't he? Yes.

Which I do? Not long ago I was on this very spot collecting debts for the business.

And spending it as quickly as it came in.

He got what he was due.

You'd think he might start showing some faith in me.

What? You mean when he asks you to do something, he expects you'll shirk off instead of getting on with it?

- Outrageous!

- Hm.

It's not my fault.

The dog won't walk.



- What am I supposed to do?

- I don't know, Tristan.

It would take a mind greater than mine to work that one out.

Maggie, do you have any string? Such horrible dreams which you very much better be awake For you dream you are crossing The Channel And tossing About in a steamer from Harwich Which is something between a large bathing machine And a very small second

-class carriage And you're giving a treat Penny ice and cold meat To a party of friends and relations They're a ravenous horde and they all came on board At Sloane Square and South Kensington stations And bound on that journey you find your attorney Who started that morning from Devon He's a bit undersized And you don't feel surprised When he tells you he's only eleven ♪ You better not be spoiling your appetite.

No.

I was, just, um, taking stock.

Why? What've you got planned for us? Roast Beef with all the trimmings.

Would you like to be the man that's more hands on? Stop it! Stop it.

James is right there

- Why should he care?

- All done.

Stop it, Hugh.

Be kind.



- Good man, much appreciated.



- My pleasure.

And sincerely, I would never have managed.

I'm not really that mechanically minded.

My school didn't really go in for that sort of thing.



- He did study Ancient Greek though.



- Oh, yes.



- Incredibly useful round these parts.



- I bet.

Well, thanks again for this.

And for what you did for for Andante.

I think James was almost as upset about it, as you were.

Hm.

Father made me sh**t a stag once.

Beautiful thing.

Felt rotten about it after.

Never again.

You giving me a lift back? I think we've put James out enough already.



- Love to.



- Bye, James.



- Bye.

Well, Mrs Hall, this is certainly a lot of food.

Well, you've all been hard at it all day, I expect you've worked up an appetite.

Something smells delicious.

Oh, God, my feet are k*lling me.

You don't mean you've been walking him all this time? Must've done three or four miles, at least.

I'll have Tricki

-woo in tip

-top shape in no time.

What's wrong wi' you? Seen a sparrow eat more.

And you.

Normally it's like feeding gannets.

I don't suppose there's any more gravy?

- Dobson's?

- Ate my own weight in Yorkshire puddings.

You? Mrs Pumphrey's pork pies are certainly quite moreish.

And then there was the pate.

Gentlemen, never fear.

Ah! Cometh the hour, cometh the man.

Anything to help you, Siegfried.

Hm.



- Good boy.



- Mm.

Ah.

Tristan.

Tristan.

Uh! Oh, God! Ugh! Oh, no.

I'm coming Coming! Darrowby 2297.

Mrs Pumphrey.

Oh, I, I feel simply ghastly.



- I haven't slept a wink.



- Mrs Pumphrey, I assure you, Tricki's absolutely fine.



- Can I have a little word?

- Go ahead.

Oh, you mean with Tricki? Of course.

Here, Tricki.

There we go.

Here we go.

Speak to Mummy.

Speak.

Oh, he sounds so hoarse.

Give him a little kiss from Mummy.



- A kiss?

- Of course.

Mwah.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! Oh, that phone has not stopped all morning.

Set yourself down, Triss.

I'll get you some breakfast.

Mrs Pumphrey happy? Utterly bonkers, but seems pleased enough.

Now, could've been the gin talking, but I think Tricki might have gained a new uncle.

Oh, and Dobson called for you, Jim.

Said not to bother going up to check on Clive again, apparently

- he's sewing his oats all over the place.



- That's fantastic news! Fort Clive, I mean.

And the cows, obviously.

The Aldersons, that beast brings in a tidy sum.

Helen will be pleased.

I'd best be going.

It's all right to leave Tricki with you again? Mm

-hm.

I've a full day's activities planned for us.

So, Siegfried, I hate to nag, but have you given any more consideration towards that cheque? I have.

Only it'll take some time to clear before I can spend any of it.

There are lots of books I need, you know.

For studying.

Oh.

No

-one move.

You see.

Properly motivated, he pulls his finger out.

Dobson called.

Oh, right.

Here, make yourself useful.

I am pleased to report that Clive is having a rare old time with Dobson's cows.

Oh, James, that's fantastic news! Here.

Wait there.

I'm baking something.



- You don't have to do that.



- No, back in a minute.

Wait there.

Oh, sugar.

What are you doing with our eggs? Oh, I was just helping Yeah, helping yourself? No, no, no.

Listen, I work damn hard keeping this place going.

Do you think I'm gonna stand here, and watch a bloody thief? I'm the vet, Siegfried's assistant.

I'm James Herriot.

Right.

What're you doing up here, then? I was I was telling Helen about Clive.

He's doing well now at Dobsons farm.

Afternoon.

James.

Our Helen's just burning something for you.

Hello, Jenny.

She wants to thank me for getting Clive going.

Right.

Are we not paying you for that, then? Leave him be, Dad, it's just something to say, thank you for everything James has done.

They look great.



- You might want to scrape the top off.



- Yeah.

You might want to bring him my chisel, Jenny.

Hmm

- Delicious.



- They're not too terrible? Quite a unique flavour.

They're awful, aren't they? Honestly some of the worst I've ever had.



- Afternoon.



- Afternoon, Mr Farnon.

When did that come back? What did you call me? Patron Saint of Lost Causes? Among many other much more flattering things.

I'll drive you to Scarborough, we won't stop until we find him.

I've chased Edward long enough.

He knows where I am.

Tris? Oh, set yourself down, I'll make you some tea.

No, I'm not ready to rest yet.

I want to weigh Tricki, to chart his progress.

Go on, stop punishing him.

He's done everything you asked and more.



- How's he getting on?

- Yes, well Well?

- Very well, actually.



- Good.

All that hard graft paying off.



- Feel like I've shed a few pounds too.



- Let's see, then.



- Oh, I don't think I'll quite fit on there.



- Not you, man.

The dog.

It's only been two days, it'd be unusual to see too much change.

You just said he was doing very well? I think I said he was well.

And I asked, "Well?" And you said, "Very well, actually.

"

- Did I?

- You did.

Put him on the scales.

Look, I've been measuring out his food, walking him constantly.



- I swear

- On the scales.

He's heavier.

I don't know why, I expected anything different.

What's that supposed to mean? Four

-mile walks? Meticulous monitoring of his diet? Why do you never fail to live down to my expectations.



- Now hang on a minute, that's not fair.



- Just when I thought you might've changed.

I should've known better.

I'm telling you the truth.

I have been walking him.

I'm sorry, I don't believe you.

And if you think I'm gonna throw good money after bad, you've got another thing coming.

Mr Farnon, wait a minute.

Tris? Hold on a minute.

Tristan.

Oh!

- Mrs Pumphrey.



- I'm so sorry, I I couldn't stay away a minute longer.

Oh, it's hard, isn't it? Come on in.

They're all out at the moment, but I'm sure they'll be back soon.

Oh, and Tricki? He's around here somewhere.

Set yourself down, I'll make you some tea.

Charming little house.

So, so compact and functional.

Like a Swiss army Kn*fe.

Hm.

Oh, those boys.

Oh.

Tea.

Good idea, Mrs Hall.

Well, It's not for you.

Mrs Pumphrey's here.

I can't find Tricki.

Mrs Pumphrey.

I do apologise.

I'm afraid you've just missed Tricki.

James or, uh, Tristan, or possibly even both of them, have taken him for a walk.

Uh, they may be some time.



- I'll wait, if that's not too much trouble.



- No, of course not.



- You quite all right?

- What? Yes, um, gin, wasn't it, your tipple of choice? It's twelve o'clock.

Your housekeeper offered me a cup of tea.

Coming, Mrs Pumphrey.

Oh, Tricki! Is that Tricki? Tricki!

- Well, where is he?

- I'm sorry, who? We were just telling Mrs Pumphrey about all the exercise Tricki's been getting.



- Oh.



- He doesn't leave Tristan's side.



- That is patently a lie.



- Would you excuse us a minute? We can't find Tricki

-woo.



- Is it possible he left with you?

- Me? No, what about you?

- Why would he leave with me?

- Maybe you left the door open.

I am far to careful.

It must have been you.

Both of you quiet down! Check upstairs.

Quickly.

Go on.

Oh, thank you.

Tricki

-woo! What would I do without him? And you're sure you've looked absolutely everywhere?

- Yes.

Upstairs.

Every bedroom.



- Even under Tristan's bed.

You know there are actual toadstools growing there.

He must've got out.

Let's organise a search party.

Oh, God, I can't believe we've lost him.

Poor little man.

Who've you lost? Tricki!? Oh, my God!

- James, well done!

- Oh, thank the Lord.



- Oh, no see this.

He's been at the liquors.



- And God knows what else!

- We'll have to tell Mrs Pumphrey.

No.

It would only upset her and slow us down.

We need to sedate him and give him a stomach pump now! Try not to worry.

I'll have James call you as soon as he's back from his walk.

That would be kind.

She gone, let's get to it.

Mask.



- Uh

- I think it's in my jacket.

Here.

There we are.

There we are.

That's it.

That's it.

How on Earth did he get into the hamper? Why are you looking at me? I should never have left him with you.

Chocolate, alcohol.

There's no telling what it could do to his insides.

And why's that my fault? I haven't seen or touched that hamper since it arrived.

I don't know how he got into it, but it has nothing to do me.

Jim.

I promise you, this is nothing to do with me.

Why is everything around here always my fault? Because it usually is! Who else would be stupid enough to leave a hamper some place

- Tricki could get at it!

- Perhaps the recriminations can wait

- until Tricki's finished his treatment.



- And perhaps they can't! Yes, well, um I don't think, in this case, Tristan is entirely to blame.

If at all, really.

You see, if he weren't so addicted to a rich diet, he wouldn't have sought it out in the first place.

Siegfried? The hamper was left on the floor of the study by me.

Tristan is not to blame, James.

I am.

He did nothing wrong.

It was me.



- Jim.



- Yes? Are we hallucinating? Yes, all right, it was my bloody fault.

There's no need to rub it in!

- Sorry.



- Oh, don't worry about it.

It was worth it to hear him say that.

Will Tricki be all right? Once we get some fluids into him, he should start to recover.

Hm.

Fluids! Oh, my boofoms! Oh, my boofoms is home.

My goodness, he feels like a sack of spanners.

He must be starving.

Tricki's been on a carefully regulated diet, and his condition's much improved.

And we've taken a lot of walks this last week.

Haven't we, Tricki? Oh, doesn't he just love his Uncle Triss? Remember his diet, Mrs Pumphrey.

Yes, yes.

Two cups of dried biscuits and ONLY brown meat.

Bye, Tricki.

Mrs Pumphrey.

Darling.

Oh, Mummy loves you! James will take you on to the station, there's no sense in all of us being there.

No.

I suppose not.



- I'll see you at Christmas, then.



- Yep.

What? You're not waiting for a hug? We're not huggers now, are we?

- God, no.

There's still the small matter of the

- Oh, of course.

Isn't that lovely? If not, I'm going to eat some of this.

Yes.



- Oh, yummy.



- Unbelievable.

I can't begin to tell you what this means, I won't let you down.

It is the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.



- Siegfried, what's happening?

- It's not you Tris.

I've seen with my own eyes what you can achieve when you put your mind to it.



- It's these damn tutors letting you down.



- No.

No.

They really haven't,

- they're all first

-rate.



- I'll teach you! Come Winter you can sit your exams again.

Under my guidance, I have no doubt you'll sail through! You're back? What have you forgotten? That my brother's a lunatic.

Siegfried's decided to tutor Tristan himself.

You're staying! Oh, dear.

You know, that must be hard.

It's going to be t*rture.

I'm sure he means well.

I for one am glad you're staying.

The only reason he's doing it is to punish me.

For what? I have no idea.

Maybe it's because you lied about passing your exams.

I didn't lie, technically.

You do drink his best whisky.

I honestly can't tell the difference.

Well, that makes it worse.

What about the time you spent all his money in the Drovers? What's that? Nothing Mrs H, just Jim being funny.

Trying to be.

Tristan! Oh, here we go.

Ah, there you are.

I've brought back someone very special for your first practical experience.

I'm giddy with anticipation.

Mr Farnon.

Clancy means the world to Mr Mulligan.

I think we owe it to both of them to carry out a full physical examination.

Don't you? Right, Clancy.

Ah, look at him smiling.

I reckon he's a fan of yours, Mr Farnon.

Mr Mulligan, does it not scare you when you hear him growl like?

- Mr Mulligan?

- Ah, good boy.

Mr Mulligan? That's my boy.

There now.

No, of course it doesn't.

Siegfried, I think the bark may be far worse than the bite.

Good boy! You're not so fierce, are you? Aww, good boy! Aww!