01x01 - Your Will Shall Decide Your Destiny

[bunniefuu]

You have got to try this cheesecake.

You know, I'm not that much
of a sweet tooth...

Oh, my God, it's so creamy!

That's the best
cheesecake I've ever had!

Where did you get this?

It was at the front door when I got
home. Somebody sent it to us.

This isn't addressed to you.

This is addressed
to Mrs. Braverman downstairs!

Thief!

I didn't read the box
before I opened it...

...and you can't return a box
after you opened it!

- Why not?
- Because it's too delicious!

You stole this cheesecake.
That's wrong.

No, it'll be okay because Mrs. Braverman
will send for a free one.

That way, we all win.

The only losers are the
big cheesecake conglomerate...

..."Mama's Little Bakery. "

I feel terrible.

I'm a horrible, horrible person.

I'm sorry, what?

The One With All The Cheesecakes

English Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

I should get going. Big day at work.

You know how I'm in a coma?

Today they do a test on me and it
turns out I'm not brain-dead.

So...

Mr. Smarty Pants.

It's just my character
that's not brain-dead.

Pheebs, still on for tonight?

- Absolutely.
- I'll see you at 8.

What's at 8?

Dinner. We get together about once
a month to discuss the rest of you.

Wow! Did not know that.

May I say how lovely you look today?

Duly noted.

So for tomorrow, do you want to
rent a car and drive down together?

- What are you talking about?
- Cousin Frannie's wedding.

You were invited?

No.

Oh, my God, I can't believe this.

I thought only Mom and Dad
were invited.

From the ages of 7 to 9,
Frannie and I were inseparable.

Maybe since the age of 9,
Frannie's made some new friends.

It's probably just a mistake.
Let me call Aunt Cheryl.

Maybe you are invited and the
invitation got lost in the mail.

You call her and tell her
that when we were kids...

...her precious Frannie
tried to undress me several times.

If I hadn't stopped her, there
wouldn't be a wedding to go to.

She tried to undress me too.

I used to undress my cousin Glenn.

Joseph Francis Tribbiani,
are you home yet?

I think he's still out.
What's wrong?

I'll tell you, Rachel Karen Greene.

I had plans with Joey,
and he left me this note.

"Pheebs, can't make it.
Got a date. Talk to you later.

Big Daddy. "

- "Big Daddy"?
- That's a nickname we were trying.

You know what nickname
never caught on? "The Ross-a-tron. "

Here's Joseph Francis!

Wait, what are you
middle-naming me for?

I left you a note.

That doesn't give you the
right to ditch me!

You can cancel plans with friends
if there's a possibility for sex.

He's right. That is the rule.

I don't accept it. When we make
plans, I expect you to show up.

I'm not a way to k*ll time
till you meet someone better.

Boyfriends and girlfriends will
come and go, but this is for life.

I'm so sorry. I had no idea
it would bother you this much.

Well, it does.

Well, can I make it up to you?

I'm sorry.

How about dinner tomorrow night?
I'll pay for myself.

Okay, you wore me down.

While you're over there, how
about a beer for "The Ross-a-tron"?

"Ross..." Is that back?

The other cheesecake came.

They delivered it here again.

Just bring it downstairs.
What's the problem?

I can't seem to say goodbye.

Are you serious?

We ate an entire cake
two days ago and you want more?

Well, I've forgotten
what it tastes like.

It was cheesecake. It was fine.

It had a buttery, crumbly,
graham cr*cker crust...

...with a very rich...

...yet light cream cheese filling.

Wow, my whole mouth
just filled with saliva.

Know what? Forget it.
We're just hungry.

We haven't had lunch.
We're just lightheaded.

So let's go have lunch
and forget about the cheesecake.

We'll drop it off
so we're not tempted.

- Where do you want to eat?
- Mama's Little Bakery, Chicago.

Mel Torm? d*ed.

Joey, that paper's like a year old.

Does that mean the Sam Goody's sale
is over?

So, I finally heard back
from Aunt Cheryl...

...and apparently it wasn't a mistake.

There's limited seating...

Limited seating? I am just
one tiny person!

Yeah, but she doesn't know that.

I mean, the last time she saw you...

...you'd have turned one of those
little wedding chairs into kindling.

"Limited seating. "
That's such a lame excuse.

That's not the reason
she's not inviting me.

What's the big deal? I wasn't invited
to the ceremony, just the reception.

If it makes you feel any better, Joan
and I will just make an appearance...

...and then we'll leave early
as a sign of protest.

- Joan?
- Yeah, my date.

Assistant professor in linguistics.
Tall, very beautiful.

And despite what some people say,
not broad-backed.

Wait a minute.
You got "Ross Geller and Guest"?

I wasn't invited,
and you got "and Guest"?

Excuse me, I do have to interrupt
on Ross' behalf.

I think the rule applies here.

Since he has a chance
to get on broad-back...

Not broad-back!

Wait a minute. You're bringing me.

I can't cancel on Joan.

- Why not?
- Did you not hear me?

She's an assistant professor
in the linguistics department.

They're wild.

- Why do you want to come anyway?
- Because...

...she's my cousin.

I mean, we grew up together.

Family, you know?
And all that's important to me.

Okay, all right. I'll take you.

I'll go call Joan.

Oh, that's nice.

Family should be there.

It's her wedding.
Happiest day of her life.

We'll see.

Well, thank you for lunch.

Wait, I thought you paid.

Apparently, we don't pay
for food anymore.

- Do you see what I see?
- It's still there.

Mrs. Braverman must be out.

She could be out of town.
Maybe gone for months.

By then, it may spoil.
She can't come back to bad cheesecake.

- It could k*ll her.
- Don't want that.

We're protecting her.

- We'll take it.
- But quick.

- Why?
- I hear her in there.

Go! Go! Go!

Oh, my God, that's David.

- Who?
- David, the scientist guy.

David that I was in love with.

Who went to Russia
and broke my heart, David.

Oh, my God!

Say their name enough,
they turn around.

Phoebe.

David.

What are you doing?
Aren't you supposed to be in Russia?

I'm just in town for a conference.

God, you look phenomenal.

Well... .

Yeah.

You look great too.
Did you get a haircut?

Yeah. Well, I got like 30 of them.

Look, I got a confession to make.

I was hoping to run into you here.

I didn't know if I should call.
I was only in town a few days...

...and I didn't want to intrude
on your life.

I really wanted to see you...

...but I didn't know
if you wanted to see me.

Of course I would want to see you.
I think about you all the time.

Really? Because I think about you
all the time.

There's a statue in Minsk
that reminds me of you so much.

It's actually of Lenin...

...but, you know, at certain angles... .

Anyway, do you want
to have dinner tonight?

Yes.

Oh, no!

- What?
- I can't.

I can't believe I have plans.
Can you do it tomorrow?

No, I have to go in a few hours.
I have to be on the redeye.

Listen, next time you're in Minsk... .

Phoebe? Can I talk to you
for a second?

What are you doing?

I have plans with Joey.

So? He'll understand.

No, he won't.
And that's not even the point.

I made a whole speech about how
you do not cancel plans with friends.

And now just because, potentially,
the love of my life...

...returns from Russia
for one night...

...I should change my beliefs?

I should change my beliefs!

No. If I don't have my principles,
I don't have anything.

You're so strong.

Or I sh0vld rvsh thr0ugh dinner
with Joey and meet David at 9.

Oh, my God, that is so good!

I'm full. And yet I know
if I stop eating this...

...I'll regret it.

Hey, what have you got there?

Oh, it's... .

It's tofu cake. Want some?

What are you doing tonight?

Dude. Dude.

Sorry.

I got plans with Phoebe.

Really? Monica said
she had a date at 9.

- What? Tonight?
- That's what Monica said.

After that speech, she makes a date on
the same night she has plans with me?

She's trying to pull a fast one
on Big Daddy.

Here, I think this is us.

Limited seating, my ass.

Let's see who made the cut.

Hi. I'm Monica Geller.

- How do you know the bride and groom?
- I worked with Frannie.

Used to work with her. Used to.

I'm a relative
and I didn't get invited.

A blood relative. Blood.

Stop saying "blood" to strangers.

And you? How do you know the couple?

We went to college with both of them.

Now we live next door.

Okay, you're fine.

- Are you guys ready?
- Yes.

I'll have a green salad,
house dressing and water's fine.

And for you, sir?

Yeah. This slow-roasted salmon...

...how slow are we talking?

It's already been roasted.

Oh, then no. Maybe I should hear
the specials again.

We've heard the specials three times.

There's prime rib, mahi-mahi
and a very special lobster ravioli.

- Actually, we're out of the ravioli.
- Well, that changes everything!

You know what, Pheebs?
You were right before.

Friends are so important.

Yeah, I'm very wise. I know.

Know what I really want?

- What?
- Is to have a long, long talk.

You know? Get Joey out on the
open road and really open him up.

- Any progress?
- Yes.

I will have the lobster ravioli.

God, Joey, this is taking forever.

- What's the rush?
- Well...

...I have an appointment.

And it's very important.

What is it?

Well...

...it's a date.

A date? No, you must be mistaken,
because you wouldn't have a date...

...on the same night
you have plans with a friend.

Don't make me feel badly.

No, I'm gonna!

You made me feel really guilty
about going out with that girl.

Like I did something terrible.
Now you're doing the same thing.

It's not! It's totally different!

This is with David.
Remember David, the scientist guy?

He's very special to me.

My girl the other night was special.
She was a scientist too.

- She was?
- Well, she graduated high school.

Whatever. Know what?

He's only here for four
hours and I'm gonna go see him.

- Fine!
- Yeah.

What are you still doing here?
I told you, lobster ravioli!

I was about to leave.
I didn't think you were coming.

I wouldn't have missed this.

Well, I'm very glad you're here.

Oh, you're such a gentleman.

Come on, we're going to my place.

Are you eating the cheesecake
without me?

I will give you $ 100
to whistle right now.

- How can you eat it without me?
- What'll you do?

Tell Monica or Joey?
No, you'd have to tell them everything.

We're dessert stealers.
We're living outside the law.

I don't trust you with this cake.

I got it first,
and I'm taking it back!

- What? Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

You think I trust you with it?

No, we'll split it.

That's not fair. You had some.

I think Monica would be
very interested to know...

...that you called her cheesecake
"dry and mealy. "

What do we use to split it?

All right, pick a half.

Well, this side looks bigger.

But there's more crust on this side.

Maybe if I measure it...

Pick a piece!

- All right, I pick that one.
- It's the smaller piece.

Okay. There you go.

Enjoy your half, my friend.
But that is it.

No sharing, no switching,
and don't come crying to me...

...if you eat your piece too fast.

- You gonna give me some of yours?
- Oh, no.

No switching, no sharing.
And don't come crying to me.

I may just sit here
and have my cake all day.

Just sit here in the hallway
and eat my...

Ross, sweetheart!

Oh, hey, Aunt Millie.

- Isn't it a beautiful wedding?
- Yes, it is.

Every time, on the lips!

Why? Why on the lips?

There's Frannie.
Won't she be happy to see me?

You be nice, all right?

I didn't bring you to ambush her.

Frannie was the one
who showed your Playboys to Mom.

That bitch.

Monica!

What...?

Am I doing here?
Surprised to see me?

Ross brought me.
How do you like that?

Hi, Frannie. Congratulations.

You invite my whole family,
and not me? Why?

Why wouldn't you want me here?
What could I have done?

Stuart!

I believe you know my husband.

So it's really a question
of "who" could you have done.

I hate this, but I have to go.

I can't miss my flight.

I bet there's
another flight to Minsk in...

July.

That's really beautiful.
What does it mean?

"Please clean my beakers. "

I don't get out of the lab much.

I thought it meant something else.

Yeah, well, I really actually
wanted to say...

...that.

But I figured I probably shouldn't
because...

...I have to leave.

No, you're right. Don't say it.

I do, though.

I do too.

Well, bye, Phoebe.

Now's not the time, Joey.
You can yell at me tomorrow.

Wait, no, Pheebs.
I'm not gonna yell at you.

I just started thinking
about you and David...

...and I remember how bummed you were
the first time he left.

Oh, Pheebs, come here.

- Are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay.

The only guy I've ever been
crazy about is going to Minsk...

...and I may never see him again.

You could always visit him.

Right. Like they'll let me
have a passport.

Anything I can do? Whatever you need.

Well, now...

...if you achieve distillation of
subatomic particles before he does...

...then he could come back.

I could give it a sh*t.

Oh, look! There's a piece
that doesn't have floor on it.

- Stick to your side!
- Come on, now!

All right, what are we having?

Oh, wait, I forgot my wrap.

Okay, wait here.

Hi, sweetie! Are you leaving?

- Well...
- Give us a kiss. Come on.

Why? Why on the lips?