06x09 - Take My Mama, Please

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mama's Family". Aired: January 22, 1983 – February 24, 1990.*
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Spin-off series revolves around the wacky misadventures of the Harper family, extended non-Harper family members and their neighbor friend in later seasons.
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06x09 - Take My Mama, Please

Post by bunniefuu »

Mmm.

I'll tell you what.

The sound of them
chewed rib bones

hitting that bucket is
like music to my ears.

Oh, I believe I
have had my fill.

Well, Iola, that's
only your second slab.

sh**t, at $4.99 a
dinner, you've got to eat

at least three to
b*at the house.

Thelma, I'm dining,
not sh**t' craps.

Hey, waiter! I'm
ready for a refill here.

Lady, please, if you're
gonna touch the suit

use a moist towelette first.

Oh, Shecky Lewis.

I saw his 8x10 glossy
hangin' out front.

That's right, I'm
the star of the show.

Well, I hope you're better than
the last act that played here.

You mean Monty Miller
and his musical saw?

One and the same.

I swear, that jerk flipped
his saw in the middle

of "The Flight Of The Bumblebee"

came that close to
decapitating the bartender.

No musical saws
tonight, just comedy.

Oh, hey, I bet that's why
they call it rib tickler night.

I love working a hip crowd.

Don't forget, laugh it up.

- Oh, we will, Mr. Lewis.
- You bet.

It's about time comedy
came to Raytown.

Comedy came to Raytown
the day you were born.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Shecky Lewis,
and I've got a problem.

Would you believe it?

I'm 50 years old, and I
still live with my mother.

She treats me like a kid.

She says, "Shecky,
wash out those ears.

"They're dirty."

I say, "Mom, that's
not dirt, it's hair."

Don't encourage him.

And she waits up
for me at night, too.

Trouble is, she's forgetful,
so when I do come in

she can't remember who I am.

If he was my son, I'd
want to forget him, too.

What's the matter, granny?

Didn't take your
Geritol this morning?

Yeah, but I should have
taken some Dramamine

because your act
is making me sick.

Come on, lady, give me a break.

It's not easy standing
up here doing an act.

Well, it's got to be easier
than sitting here listening to it.

Think you can do better?

Well, I couldn't do any worse.

You're on a roll now, grandma.

Why don't you come down
here next Monday night.

Open mike night.

Let's see how funny
you can be on the stage.

Oh, hey! Great idea.

- Do it, mama, do it!
- Shut up, you dunce!

I ain't getting up on any stage.

Just like I thought, no guts.

Now listen here, rug head

I would be here Monday
night, but I will be busy.

I'll bet you have a
full evening planned.

Gonna blue your hair
and soak your dentures?

Well, that does it!

I will be here on
your open mike night

and you'd better
be wearing garters

because I'm gonna
knock your socks off.

Good morning, all.

Mornin'? It's almost noon.

Well, mama, you
slept through church.

Well, at least I slept
through it and not in it.

You nod off in a pew
like it's a Posturepedic.

Would you like a
pop tart, Ms. Harper?

No, thank you,
just coffee for me.

I don't think I got more
than ten winks last night.

Oh, those ribs back
up on you, mama?

No, Vinton, I was
just all keyed up

thinking about how funny
I was down at the Jigger.

You sure were, grandma.

I don't know how
you're gonna top yourself

on open mike night.

Well, I'll think of somethin'
when I get up there.

Ms. Harper, you
just can't walk out

onto a stage unprepared.

Well, why not?

I didn't have anything prepared
last night, and I was a smash.

But you gotta have an act.

Jokes, material, funny patter.

I do?

sh**t, the only jokes I
know are the ones I live with.

Well, nonetheless, you've
got to come up with something.

They say there's nothing
worse than bombing out

in front of a live audience.

Oh, mama, what are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

I'm not gonna do it,
that's what I'm gonna do.

But you have to.

You promised Shecky
Lewis, a-and all those people.

Oh, big deal, so I break my
word to a broken down comic

and half a dozen lushes.

Well, what about that old
saying, "The show must go on"?

I got another sayin',
Vinton, "The hell with it."

Knock, knock. Oh, Thelma.

Everyone at church was abuzz

with your comedic
exploits last night.

How did they find out about it?

Well, I mentioned it
to Reverend Meacham

and he talked about
it from the pulpit.

Oh, no!

Yes, right after his
sermon on the hidden evils

of wine coolers.

Gee, what did he say?

Well, they advertise that
they are mostly fruit juice, but...

Will you forget about
the damn wine coolers?

Get to the part about me.

Well, he said, "God bless Thelma

for spreadin' joy and laughter."

That man does have
a way with words.

"And let's all go
down tomorrow night

and see her perform."

But he doesn't know
when to shut up.

Oh, Ms. Harper, now
you've got to do it.

Yeah, there's no
getting out of it now.

I know that!

Lord, you miss church one Sunday

and boom, you're
facing judgment day.

Uh-oh.

Spider Man is really
in trouble this time.

Is the Green Goblin
after him again?

Worse, they're
fumigatin' his apartment.

Knock, knock!

In here, Iola.

Where's Thelma? I've been
workin' on her act all mornin'.

Well, she went over to the mall.

She's shoppin'
at a time like this?

She should be preparin'
for tomorrow night.

Well, maybe she went out
to get some funny clothes.

What on earth for? She's
got a whole closet full of them.

Oh, Thelma, where you been?

Oh, been out gettin'
my act together

and look at this,
I hit the jackpot.

"A thousand and one
quips, quotes, jokes, riddles

puns, insults, and
wisecracks. Volume one?"

Yes, I was lucky
to get this, too.

They only had two
of these babies left.

Thelma, you can't
get up on stage

and read from a book.

You think I am dumb
enough to read these?

I'm gonna memorize them.

I'm tellin' ya, this book
has got everything.

Alright, here we go,
here's a riddle for you.

Ooh! I love riddles.

Alright, alright. What's
green and dances?

Oh, come on, Ms. Harper

every school kid
knows that old one.

Uh, green and dances...
Don't tell me, don't tell me!

Comics don't use books.

They make humorous
observations about things

in their everyday lives.

Well, pardon me if I don't see
the humor in scrubbing toilets.

Green and dances... I got it!

A Martian in tap shoes!

No, honey.

Trust me, Thelma, I've
written some special material

that I'm just sure
you can relate to.

Oh, alright, lay it on me.

Okay, everybody,
Bubba, come on over here.

Okay, now prepare
your funny bones.

Okay. Okay.

Have you ever noticed
when you're bakin' a cake

and you run out of eggs,
you throw on your coat

and you run down to the store

you buy the eggs
and you drive home

you get back to the
kitchen with your eggs

when you suddenly discover

you need milk, too?

Well, don't you get it?

You see, you're out of eggs,
so you go down to the store...

I think they got it, Iola.
They just don't want it.

Well, fine. I'll sell
it to Joan Rivers.

I got it! What's
green and dances?

A seasick ballerina!

Good grief! Vinton,
no, it's Fred Asparagus!

Yeah, jeez-o!

Fred Asparagus, who's he?

Oh, Vinton, for crying out
loud. Now isn't that adorable?

Oh, people don't go for
that lame stuff anymore.

What really cracks 'em up
are impressions, you know?

Okay, like Sylvester Stallone.

Eh, yo, Adrian...

I wanna be a champ, Adrian!

I wanna be a champ, yo!

Yo, Bubba, I don't think
they're gonna buy Rocky

in support hose.

Well, I know
somethin' they will buy.

I got a great idea!

Well, I'm lovin' it so far.

It got him out of the room.

Hey, wait a minute!

Luann down at Food Circus

knows a thousand
great limericks.

She told the box
boys one the other day

had them in stitches.

Now let me see if
I can remember it.

"There once was a man
with a bucket, who..."

Hold it right there, missy!

Lord, I got the whole
congregation coming to see me.

I'm supposed to be
spreading joy, not selling smut.

Okay, here we go, mama.

Watch this.

Well, this is great.

My finale can be
me getting a hernia.

Now, this... Whoo!

This guy did a
balloon act at my lodge

and it kept the
Cobras spellbound.

Tough to do with that
bunch of sophisticates.

You folks probably
think that this is a balloon

but surprise! Now, it's... a...

a snake!

Slither, slither, slither!

Knock it off!

And now, it's a...

a link sausage.

And now it's a circle.

And now... it's garbage.

Well, that wasn't very nice.

Yeah, we were
just tryin' to help.

Oh, well, y'all are
just makin' me crazy.

Here, get out of my way!

I'm gonna put this
act together myself.

I'm gonna be the one up onstage.

I've got to do material
that I believe in.

And I believe in this.

Now, what am I gonna start with?

A quip, a quote, a
joke, a riddle, a pun,

an insult, or a wisecrack?

Well, howdy, fun seekers.

Hey, Shecky.

Ms. Harper, you ready
to face the f*ring squad?

I mean, the audience?

Look, Shecky, nice try

but you cannot rattle
me. When do I go on?

Second. I didn't want you
to have to face a cold house.

Oh, well, isn't that thoughtful?

Yeah. Now if you b*mb,
you won't have an excuse.

Remember, be funny.

Gee, it was nice of
Shecky to be so helpful.

Why don't you help me
and pretend we're strangers?

Come on, grandma, don't
let Mr. Lewis get to you.

Yeah, we're gonna
be in your corner

no matter how bad you flop.

There is no way I'm
gonna flop here tonight.

I've got a foolproof
act mapped out here.

First, I'm gonna
do a watchdog joke.

Then, I'm gonna to hit 'em
with the hummingbird gag.

Then, I got a...

Those sound funny, mama.

You haven't even heard
them yet, you lamebrain!

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Shecky
Lewis open mike night.

Alright.

First up is a young comic
who I'm sure is going places.

I'm sure because I saw
his bus ticket to Bundy.

Let's get together and give
him a great big welcome

a Raytown welcome,
Mr. Skip Foster.

That poor, pathetic kid.

He isn't gonna be
much competition.

Go get 'em, kid.

Hi, everybody.

Hi.

Boy, was my family poor.

We grew up in a high crime area

but we couldn't
afford a watchdog.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, every time
we heard a noise

they made me run to
the front door and bark.

Mama, didn't you
have a watchdog joke?

That was it.

Speaking of animals...

do you know why
hummingbirds hum?

They can't remember the words.

Oh, Thelma, was
that one of yours, too?

How the hell many
hummingbird jokes do you know?

If the next one's about
Mickey Mouse, I'm sunk.

And I understand Mickey Mouse
just saved Minnie from drowning.

Yeah, he gave her
mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

Well, don't just sit
there, man the lifeboats.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait. So the guy says

"I got a big surprise
for you too, lady.

"I'm not the doctor!"

Goodnight, folks.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yay!

Yay! Wonderful!

Let's hear it for Skip Foster.

Boy, will he be a
tough act to follow.

We'll be right back.

Hey, he was funny, grandma.

How did he know all your jokes?

Because he bought
the same damn book.

So? What's the problem?

The audience loved those jokes.

Just get up there
and tell them again.

Okay, folks, it's
golden oldie time.

No, we're not gonna
play old records

we're gonna listen
to the comedy stylings

of that gut-splittin' grandma.

Come on up here, you nut.

Let's put our hands together
for Mrs. Thelma Harper.

Now, don't you touch me!

Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, boy.

Uh...

Before I say anything,
I'd-I'd like y'all to know

that I am the widow of a veteran

and I spend all of my spare time

doing charity work.

Oh, boy.

Um...

You know, you know
what really cracks me up?

You know how when you're
baking a cake, and, um...

you-you-you run out of eggs

so you rush down to the market

and you find out
you're out of milk, too?

Well, she told it wrong.

Uh...

Say, do we have, we-we have
any poetry lovers out there tonight?

I got a kind of a cute
one here, let's see.

Um, there once was
a man with a bucket...

uh, he kept water
in it, in case of a fire.

That's what he
did with that bucket.

Oh!

Wait a minute.

Wait. You're gonna love this.

How many orders we got
out there for link sausage?

I guess we're all out.

Uh, y-you know who I bet
would really like link sausage?

Sylvester Stallone.

Yo, I'm Rocky.

Yo, I'm Rambo.

Yo, I'm dead.

Do Jack Nicholson.

Who?

You know, the Joker.

"Wait till they
get a load of me."

Wait till I get a hold of you!

I have to apologize
for my grandson Bubba.

He's the one who
talked me into doing

that stupid Rambo impression.

I wish he would do an impression
of a person with a clean room.

Bubba, he's in his
second year of college,

and I know what he's gonna
be when he gets out, an old man.

Boy, she sure zinged you, Bubba.

What are you
laughin' at, Vinton?

The only thing you passed
in school was a kidney stone.

This here is Vinton.
Vinton is my youngest child.

He was a gift from
heaven, although personally

I was hoping for a washer/dryer.

Alright, Ms. Harper,
leave my husband alone.

No problem, I'm
through with him anyway.

This is my
daughter-in-law, Naomi

the one over here
with all the makeup.

Compared to her, Tammy
Baker has got the natural look.

The woman, the woman does
not know where the kitchen is.

She thinks that a microwave
is a hairdo for midgets.

Go on, let it on out, Iola,
you're not in church now.

This is my prissy
neighbor, Iola.

She is a little bit on
the conservative side.

Her idea of living on the edge
is embroidering without a hoop.

Hey, waiter, uh, waiter

I see that you're serving drinks
to the church group over here.

I wouldn't get my hopes up
because I've seen how much

they put in the
collection plate.

Seriously, folks, now
don't get me wrong

I do love my church, but
now let me tell you this.

Let's talk about kids nowadays,
aren't they something else?

You know the ones I mean...

Well, if I do say so
myself, I was a smash.

Yeah, at our expense.

Yeah, everybody
in the Bigger Jigger

was laughin' at us.

Thelma, I don't appreciate you
telling the whole congregation

about the Patrick Swayze
collage in my bedroom.

Oh, what are you gripin' about?

sh**t, the reverend's wife
offered you 50 bucks for it.

What about all the
stuff mama told on me?

Now the whole town knows
that when I was seven years old

Eunice and Ellen
dressed me up like a girl

and tried to pass me
off as their little sister.

So what? I told everybody
you were the prettiest of the lot.

We are never going to watch
you make fun of us again.

Yeah, grandma, after
this you're gonna have to

find somebody else to
be the butt of your jokes.

Oh, really? Well,
that is a darn shame.

Because y'all are the
biggest bunch of butts I know!
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