06x11 - Mama Takes Stock

[bunniefuu]

Well, what is this, Ms. Harper?

Oh, this is my
continental breakfast.

French toast, Spanish
omelet, and Polish sausage.

Fantastic!

I knew you'd go for it, Bubba.

Oh, not the food,
grandma, the stock market.

My Dynatech shares
are up by half a point.

Don't tell me you've been
using your lunch money

to play the stock market.

No, it's for my business class.

Professor Chambers
had us pick out stocks

and buy imaginary shares

and I'm up an imaginary $1500.

Well, that's great.

Soon you'll be able to
afford an imaginary car.

Now, quit your dreaming
and eat your real sausage.

Oh, Ms. Harper, look at this

Prince Andrew and
Fergie are expecting again.

Well, I ain't a bit surprised,
with that gal's breeder hips.

Would you get a load
of that christening gown

that the baby's gonna wear?

Oh, I want one exactly
like that for sweet pea.

Well, for heaven's sakes.

That belongs to the
English Royal Family.

You ain't gonna
find that at Sears.

Well, then I will find
something better.

You won't have to.

You've got the Harper
family christenin' gown.

And I'm telling you, that
thing has been spit up on

by every Harper since
the turn of the century.

Well, perhaps it's
time we retired it.

Mornin', everybody.

There you are, get over
here and eat your breakfast.

Oh, no time for breakfast,
mama, just coffee.

Mwah!

Big excitement down
at Kwik-Keys today.

Oh, yeah? What's going on?

You got a new shipment
of dead bolts comin' in?

No, I've got to get the
store in tip-top shape.

B.D. Larson is
comin' to Raytown.

Oh, who's that, Uncle Vint?

B.D.? B.D. is a
big VIP, the CEO.

What the hell is this, scrabble?

B.D. Larson is the
chief executive officer

of Bernice, the corporation
that owns Kwik-Keys.

Oh, you mean the head honcho's

coming all the way
down here to see you?

Oh, not just me

he's inspectin' all the Kwik-Key
stores in the Tri-State area.

He's in Bump today, he'll
be in Raytown tomorrow.

Well, B.D. ought to
be in a good mood.

Bernice is up 7/8.

Oh, honey, maybe
you'll get a raise.

Oh, boy, I'd better get
down to the store right away

to clean out that
stock room. Mwah.

Well, start with
that smutty calendar

you've got over
the water cooler.

You mean Ms. Padlock?

Yeah, that's her, the
one with the big tumblers.

Say, wait up, Uncle Vint, I
could use a new calendar.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.
Bubba, it's eight years old.

Oh, I can't wait for
Vinton to get his raise.

Then I'm gonna buy sweet pea

a beautiful new
christening gown.

Forget that noise,
you are a Harper now.

That precious gown of ours

is part of a beautiful,
loving family tradition

and you're gonna use it
whether you like it or not.

Now, where the hell did I
put that tattered old thing?

Well, I should make it a rule

never to buy
clothes on vacation.

- Aloha.
- Ooh!

Wait, Thelma, don't
throw away that mumu.

If I let it out a few sizes

I can make mother
a lovely tube top.

More like a tub top.

What do you suppose I did
with that christening gown?

I know it's got to be in one
of these boxes somewhere.

Oh, look at this, a
souvenir snowball.

"New York World's Fair 1939."

Oh, this must have
such sentimental value.

Yeah, dump it.

The snow turned black in 1947.

Well, I'll just
add it to my pile.

It'll make a perfect garnet
egg for mother's anklets.

Oh, I swear, you are
the most creative pack rat

I have ever known.

I think you could
recycle dandruff.

- Hi, Ms. Boylen.
- Evenin', Bubba.

Wow, grandma, and you
complain about my room.

Hey, this is nothing
compared to your room.

I have seen landfills that
are tidier than that hellhole.

Say, what's in the file?

Oh, a bunch of papers, bills
receipts, bank statements...

- Here, Iola, have a ball.
- Oh, I think I'll pass.

I've papier-mâché
enough pinatas this year.

You mean I actually get
to throw somethin' away?

- No, grandma.
- Now what?

This is a stock certificate.

Let me see that.

This thing isn't worth
the paper it's printed on.

But it's 10 shares of the
Tri-State Trolley Company.

Bubba, there haven't
been trolleys in Raytown

since I was in pigtails.

Only your Grandpa Carl

would be dumb enough
to invest in trolleys.

I should have
clang-clanged his head.

Well, then, why did
he do it, grandma?

Because he was a
jackass, that's why.

I wanted to invest in
AT&T, but Carl said

no, telephones are just a fad.

He said people would
rather get on a trolley

and go talk to
somebody in person

rather than to call them.

- Pretty weird.
- Don't tell me about it. Lord!

It's that kind of logic that
kept us out of the big time.

Well, can I take this
to class with me today?

We're having a discussion on
how to avoid bad investments.

- This will fit right in.
- Be my guest.

Well, at least I'm getting rid

of some of the
trash around here.

Hi, y'all.

Looks like I spoke too soon.

Vinton's not home yet, huh?

Oh, I wanted to show
him some of the stuff

in this new issue
of "Infant Beautiful."

Ooh, let me see.

I especially like the
clothes in this section

just born and with it.

My word, a gold
lame christening gown.

Uh-huh.

Well, for cryin' out loud

that poor baby looks like a
midget Elvis impersonator.

Well, I'm going to buy it.

I think it makes a statement.

Yeah, that the baby's mother
has got God-awful taste.

Vinton, take a look at this.

Now isn't this the cutest
thing that you have ever seen?

Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Honey, what is the matter?

Isn't it obvious? He can't
stand the damn thing.

No, mama, that's not it.

Then what's wrong, Uncle Vint?

Everything.

By this time tomorrow
I'll be out of a job.

Oh!

Honey, what do you
mean, out of a job?

He means canned, fired, sacked.

What, did you
ask for that raise?

Is that why they're
giving you the heave-ho?

No, mama, it's not just me.

Kwik-Keys is going
out of business.

Oh, Vint, are you sure?

Yeah, I got the word from Eddie

at our store over in Bump.

Well, how did he know?

Well, those Bernice bigwigs

were there today and they
said they're getting out of keys

and into frozen yogurt.

Oh, no!

In fact, instead
of severance pay

they gave Eddie a half a gallon
of their new Raspberry Ripple.

Those cheapskates!

Of course, what do you
expect from a company

that gives Frosty the Snowman
key rings for a Christmas bonus?

Well, I am outraged!

It's about time someone stood up

to those corporate bullies.

Well, what are you
gonna do, Ms. Boylen?

I'm gonna write
them a scathing letter

and believe you me, they are
not getting the floral stationery.

Lord, I haven't
seen her this mad

since they canceled
"The Love Boat."

Oh, Vinton, why is this
happening to us now?

In a couple of
months I've got to take

my maternity leave
from Food Circus.

Oh, great, you're gonna
be off the checkout line

and he's gonna be on
the unemployment line.

Oh, now, now, now.

There is no need
for tears, Skeeter.

This is not the end
of Vinton Harper

not by a long sh*t!

I'll be back on my
feet before you know it.

Oh, honey, do
you really think so?

I know so! I know so!

Now, you go downstairs,
take yourself a nice rest

because your hubby has
got everything under control.

Oh, baby, you are such a rock!

Is there anything I
can do, Uncle Vint?

Uh, yeah, Bubba, run
down to the drugstore

and pick me up
the afternoon paper.

I got to check out
the latest want ads.

I'll be back in a flash.

Boy, you-you're
really taking this well.

Well, a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.

Well, Vinton, I never
thought this day would come.

Yeah?

I'm seein' a whole
new side to you.

Yeah?

Well, I guess it
took a crisis like this

to show the world
what my son is made of.

Oh, mama!

Well, yes, it sounds like

this job would be just
perfect for my son, Vinton.

Y... well, yes, I
guess you could say

that he is the key man
where he works now.

Uh, no, no, he's not
a computer expert.

Well, no, I-I can't
say that he has had

a lot of experience
with nuclear energy, no.

But if you forget your car keys

he can jimmy that
lock in two seconds flat!

Hello?

Hello!

Well, who needs your
70Ks a year, anyway?

Ms. Harper, we have
been over these want ads

with a fine-tooth comb.

There's nothin' here
that Vinton is qualified for.

Oh, I know. Let's think now.

What is a job that requires
no qualifications and no brains?

It's just a darn shame
the vice presidency

is already taken.

Knock, knock!

Ladies, I have a
petition for you to sign.

Iola, we don't have
time for this now.

We're trying to
find Vinton a job.

Well, if you sign this,
maybe you won't have to.

It's a petition to
keep Kwik-Keys open.

What a great idea!

Iola, there are only
two signatures here

yours and your father's.

Well, mother wouldn't sign.

When she found out
that the yogurt store

was gonna offer free toppings

there was no swayin' her.

Well, I'm going to sign it.

I guess I will, too.

sh**t, Iola, with
four signatures

and that scathing letter,

you're gonna have Bernice
shaking in her corporate boots.

Well, one never knows.

The pen is mightier
than the sword.

Yeah, and a bazooka
beats them both, so what?

I tell you, I don't think there's
anything that we can do

to keep Vinton from
gettin' his walking papers.

I'm afraid you're
right, Ms. Harper.

My poor baby's probably
grinding his farewell key

as we speak.

Oh, Naomi, don't
t*rture yourself.

Now you'd better run
on down to work yourself

or you two are gonna
wind up a no-income family.

- Oh, you're right.
- Oh, Naomi.

Could you give
me a lift to the mall?

Maybe I can snag a few
more signatures for my petition.

Sure, Iola. Gee, it's awful
nice of you to help us.

Oh, I've got to go down
to the mall anyway.

Mother just polished
off her last cheese log.

"Wanted, girl Friday."

Nah, he'd never
pass the typing test.

- Life guard.
- Hey, grandma, guess what?

Your worthless trolley
stock is worth somethin'.

Bubba, I've got more
important things on my mind

than that stupid trolley stock.

- How much?
- $240.

For this little piece
of paper? I don't get it.

Well, it's really
simple, grandma.

Professor Chambers
explained the whole thing to me.

You see, Tri-State
Trolley was bought

by Beakman Bus Company,
which was sold to Pepco Oil,

who merged with National
Foods, who was taken over by

get this... Bernice Corporation!

What the hell
does all this mean?

It means you own
10 shares of Bernice.

Are you kiddin' me?

Bubba, go get that professor
of yours on the phone.

I need a little
financial advice.

Okay, grandma. What's going on?

I think maybe Bernice has
met her match in Thelma.

Oh, and this is the heart
of our operation, Mr. Larson.

The key grinder, it's
where we grind our keys.

It's where you used to
grind your keys, Harper.

You see, in the very near
future this will be the location

of our state-of-the-art
yogurt machine.

Are you sure this idea of
yours is going to fly, Chetwynd?

Absolutely, sir. Please,
allow me to show you.

According to our test marketing

the public prefers
yogurt to keys

by a three to one margin.

Oh, no, not in Raytown.

Around here, people
are crazy about keys.

Plus it's more cost effective.

We don't have to employ
overpaid locksmiths.

We can hire unskilled
teenagers at minimum wage.

I suppose you do have a point.

Uh, Mr. Larson

Kwik-Keys has always
made money for the company.

Not enough, Harper.

Why, you haven't had one
customer since we got here.

Oh, am I lucky...

there is usually
such a long line.

Oh, hi, Iola.

And yet, th-the employees

know each and every
customer by name.

May I have 20 copies of
this house key, my good man?

- Twenty?
- That is correct.

I have an extremely
large family.

Since when? It's just
you and your parents.

And your mama
doesn't even need a key.

She hasn't been out of
the house since V-J day.

I knew this phony
wasn't a real customer.

Well, I may not be a real
customer, but at least I'm not

a heartless,
blood-sucking capitalist pig!

Take a hike, lady.

Fine.

Well, Iola, what
about your 20 keys?

Never mind, Vint.

Well, I think we've seen enough.

- Let's go, Chetwynd.
- Right you are, B.D.

We have three more
shops to close down today.

- By the way, Harper.
- Yes, sir?

Which do you prefer

Raspberry Ripple or Mocha Swirl?

Well, ladies, come
on, let's get a move on.

Come on, come on
in, shake those bustles.

Mama, what are you doin' here?

More stooges you hired
to buy keys, Harper?

- Are you B.D. Larson?
- No.

Then butt out, flunkey.

I'm B.D. Larson, madam.

Well, I thought as much.

If ever I have seen a power suit

you're wearin' it.

Well, I'm sure you
didn't come here

just to admire my wardrobe.

Shrewd, too. Now, I
am Thelma Harper.

And me and these ladies
are Bernice stockholders.

- And we are here for a meetin'.
- What?

According to your
corporate policy

an emergency meetin'
of the stockholders

can be called at any
time as long as there are

ten shareholders present.

That is not true. Is it, B.D.?

Yes, I'm afraid so, Chetwynd.

What kind of idiot
would institute

such an asinine policy?

That idiot was the
founder of our company,

my late mother, Bernice.

A wise and wonderful woman.

Anybody see a spine around here?

There seems to be one missin'.

I hereby call this
meeting to order.

Just a moment, Mrs. Harper

what is the purpose
of this meeting?

You are out of order, mister.

You are gonna have to wait
until the chair recognizes you.

Oh, you recognize him,
mama, he's Mr. Larson.

Vinton, shut up!

Now, fellow stockholders

the reason we are
here is to discuss

the dismissal of B.D. Larson
as the chief executive officer

of the Bernice Corporation.

This is absurd!

One more outburst like that

and I'm gonna have
my sergeant at arms

Tilly there, toss
you out on your butt.

Now, where was I?

Uh, you were about to
fire Mr. Larson, mama.

Thank you, son.
As I was saying...

Ms. Harper?

The chair recognizes
B.D. Larson.

Ms. Harper, why do
you want me fired?

Well, I will tell you why,
because you have lost sight

of the principles
of this company.

What do you mean?

Isn't Bernice known as

the mega corporation
with a mother's heart?

Yes, that's a slogan
I made up myself

in honor of my beloved mother.

Well, don't you think
it is pretty heartless

to be puttin' loyal employees
like my son Vinton out of work?

It's strictly a business
decision, Mrs. Harper.

Well, it's a stupid
business decision.

Do you happen to
know that Raytown

already has three yogurt shops?

It has?

That's nowhere in
your report, Chetwynd.

Well, uh...

No, and I'll bet his fancy
report didn't happen to mention

that Kwik-Keys is
the only key store.

No, it certainly did not!

Aha! So just what exactly is one

of these poor, defenseless
women supposed to do

if a prowler breaks
into her house?

Offer him a bowl of Tofutti?

A pretty lame
argument, if you ask me.

- Nobody's asking you, Chetwynd.
- Right.

B.D., now just where
exactly would we be

without our friend, the key?

Think about the young boy

with his skate key on a string

or-or the teenage girl
with the key to her diary.

Whether it's a
high-rise or a hovel

a Pinto or a Porsche

you've got to have a key for it.

Why from Key
West to Kan Kakee...

I catch your drift, Mrs. Harper.

From Buster Keaton
to Diane Keaton

from Francis Scott Key
to the Keystone Kops.

From kiwis to key lime pie...

Alright, Mrs. Harper!

I-I give up, you win.

Kwik-Keys will stay in business.

- Oh!
- Oh! Oh, thank you, Mr. Larson!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This meeting is adjourned.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Vinton, let the man go.

Oh, say, B.D.

Now that you realize
the value of the key

don't you think it would
be a nice thing to offer

your key man here,
Vinton, a raise?

Don't push it.

Oh, Mr. Larson, please,
don't fire my husband

I'm with child!

He's Mr. Larson.

Mr. Larson, please,
don't fire my husband

I'm with child!

Naomi, can the dramatics.
Vinton is not gettin' fired.

- He's not?
- Nuh-uh.

Oh, baby, I knew
you'd save the day.

Mr. Larson, if we have a girl

we're gonna name her Bernice.

Huh?

Harper, I believe
there might be a raise

in your future after all.

Hey, why didn't I think of that?

Well, I think it's time
to go, Chetwynd.

Goodbye, Mrs. Harper, ladies.

Oh, uh, carry on, Harper!

Aye-aye, sir!

Where are we off to, B.D.?

Well, I'm going
back to my office.

Aha.

You're going back
to the mail room.

Ha ha! Mama, you were terrific!

How did you find so many
Bernice stockholders so fast?

Oh, I didn't, all these
ladies were over

waiting to get their hair
done at The Beauty Spot.

They were nice enough to
put down their family circles

long enough to come
over here and help me.

Come on girls,
just like I promised,

wash and sets all around.

Hey, hey, if you gals behave

there could be a pedicure
in your future here.

There she goes.

Hey, I told you it
was here somewhere.

Look what I found
up in the attic.

The Harper family
christening gown.

Oh, my lord!

It looks like the moths
went into a feedin' frenzy.

Ms. Harper, my baby is not
going to be baptized in that old rag.

Yeah, I guess I'm gonna
have to spring for a new one.

Oh, mama, those
things don't come cheap.

I know that, I'll just have to
sell some of my Bernice stock.

I don't know, grandma.
You'd better hold onto it.

Bernice is up two points today.

Well, I'm not a bit surprised.

I have complete
faith in the corporation

that employs my son.

Oops, read the wrong stock.
Bernice is down seven points.

Well, way to go, Vinton!

Don't just stand there, sell!