06x12 - w*r of the Roses

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mama's Family". Aired: January 22, 1983 – February 24, 1990.*
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Spin-off series revolves around the wacky misadventures of the Harper family, extended non-Harper family members and their neighbor friend in later seasons.
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06x12 - w*r of the Roses

Post by bunniefuu »

Good mornin', my pride and joy.

Ah, aren't you a beauty?

I'll tell you what
you keep this up

and you just may be in
that rose show tomorrow.

Ow!

Buddy, you did that on purpose!

You try that with
the Sunday paper

you're gonna have to ride
that Schwinn sidesaddle!

Good show, Thelma.

You sacrificed your
body to save the roses.

That's bravery
above the call of duty.

Yeah. Instead of a purple
heart, I got a black-and-blue butt.

Well, it was worth it.

You saved my Dainty Bess.

Well, the least I can do
for that scrawny, little thing.

Oh, Thelma, I just
don't understand it.

You let me use your fertile
soil and your mornin' sun,

and yet, your Herbert Hoover
is just burstin' with bloom.

My Dainty Bess
has one lonely bud.

Well, that's just
luck, along with talent

know-how, and a green thumb.

I don't get it, I even used

bottled mineral water
from the Pyrenees... nada.

Well, maybe that's
your problem, Iola.

You should just use plain
old agua pura from the tap.

I raised my whole
family on Raytown water

and they all turned out fine.

Are you comin', Skeeter?

Ow!

Well, almost all of 'em.

Hello, ladies.

Well, where are you two off
so early on a Saturday morning?

Vinton is takin'
me out to breakfast.

Someplace really special.

Yeah, the Java
Hut out on Route 5.

What is so special
about that dump?

Ms. Harper, today is the 19th.

Well, where is my mind?

I'll tell you, every year
before I know it, bingo!

Greasy-spoon day rolls around.

No, mama.

Today we are
celebratin' the anniversary

of our first kiss.

Yes, and it happened
at that very truck stop

at exactly 2:34 AM.

Hm, I tell you

when our lips
locked, I heard bells.

You were probably sittin'
next to the pinball machine.

No, we were in booth number 12

the one with the perfect
view of the Cloverleaf.

Oh, that's where Route
5 meets the interstate.

Oh, that is such a
dangerous stretch of highway.

Hm, I know. Every time I see
a rear-ender, I think of our love.

Oh, baby!

- Isn't that romantic?
- Whatever.

Hey, stay away from
the western omelet.

That thing will give you
enough gas to get to San Anton.

Thelma, do you suppose
an extra dose of mighty-grow

will help my little bud to open?

No, just leave it alone. It'll
blossom out in its own time.

That's what mother said
about my figure. I'm still waitin'.

I told you when we bought
these that pitiful thing was a dud.

Well, I don't care.

This is my only chance
to win at the rose show.

Well, maybe you're right, Iola.

After all, it only takes one
perfect blossom to bring home

the grand prize.

That's right.

I've as much chance of winnin'

the Crystal Thorn
as as anyone else.

Of course you do, Iola.

Well, I'm gonna go home

and prepare my Dainty
Bess a special mulch.

Fine. You just go
on and do that, Iola.

You can dump a whole
truckload of manure on that thing

Thelma is still comin'
home the rose queen.

Ahhh.

No, no! It's no trouble
at all, May June.

I would be delighted

anything to make that
rose show a success.

Yeah. So, what did
you want me to do?

Scrub the floors and
clean out the restrooms.

Well...

it sounds like a
little bit of heaven.

Alright, sweetie. Okay.
I will see you then.

Hot diggity dog!

Bubba, this is my lucky day!

What happened, grandma?

I get to help May June
set up the Moose Hall

for the rose show tomorrow.

See, grandma, if you'd
like to double your luck

I got a couple of shirts
you could iron for me.

Well, Bubba, May June Beasley
happens to know more about roses

than anybody else
in this whole town.

Matter of fact, she has won
that Crystal Thorn Award

so many times they have
barred her from the competition.

So?

So when she comes to pick me
up today, I'm gonna pick her brain.

I'm gonna ask which one of
my Herbert Hoovers is a winner.

- Gee, grandma, is that fair?
- Oh, grow up, Bubba.

All's fair in love, w*r,
and flower shows.

Wait a minute, honey!

Just calm down and tell me.

I don't ever want to
speak to you again.

Skeeter, what did I do?

You know perfectly
well what you did

you have ruined the
Java Hut for me forever!

Vinton Harper

did you try and order off
the children's menu again?

Worse. He made
eyes at another woman.

I did no such a thing!

Oh, and I suppose you
didn't make any nasty cracks

about my weight, either!

No!

Well, somethin'
must have happened.

All I did was...

All I did was say a few
words to our waitress.

Oh, and why don't you tell
her what those few words were!

I'll have scrambled
eggs and a side of extra...

Not that!

I mean the part where you said,

"You are the teeny-tiniest
little thing I have ever seen."

Vinton Harper! Somebody
must have scrambled your brain!

How could you say
something like that?

Oh, grandma, that doesn't
sound all that bad to me.

Are you kidding me?

There are three things
you never ever mention

in front of a pregnant woman.

Touchin' your toes,
the words "teeny-tiny"

and the swimsuit issue
of sports illustrated.

- Thank you, Ms. Harper.
- It's alright, sweetie.

I know how sensitive you
get when you start blimpin' out.

Knock, knock.

Thelma, I would like you
to step outside, please.

- Me?
- That's right.

On the double. You
too, I need witnesses.

For heaven's sake, she
forgot to read me my rights.

What's goin' on, Iola?

Thelma, what color
is a Herbert Hoover?

Well, you know as well as I
do, it's sort of a cream color.

Exactly. And what
color is a Dainty Bess?

Well, what the hell is
this? 20 questions? It's pink.

Oh, really?

Well, cast your
eyes on this travesty!

Well, look at here...

You got yourself a
pink and white two-tone.

How do you suppose
that happened?

Oh, as if you didn't know!

Your Herbert Hoover had
his way with my Dainty Bess!

Well, shame on you, Herbert!

I should've laced your
plant food with saltpeter!

I don't get it, Iola.
What's the problem?

Your mother's big,
burly lout of a rose

took advantage
of my Dainty Bess!

Oh, for crying out loud, Iola

we're talkin' about a
little cross-pollination here,

not dirty doings
at the drive-in!

Yeah, Iola, it's just the birds
and bees doin' their thing.

Birds and bees? I thought
we were talkin' about flowers.

We are, Uncle Vint.

What we had here was
a little rose hanky-panky.

Yes, a little lust in the dust.

Right in our front yard?

I don't know why you're
so surprised, Vinton.

I mean, they are
sharin' the same bed.

Ha ha ha.

This is nothing to laugh at!

I can't enter this...
mutt in the rose show!

Oh, it's not a mutt,
Iola. It's a love child.

And I think it's
very, very pretty.

Oh, well, of course
you'd like the gaudy thing!

- Watch it, Iola.
- Yeah, take it easy, Iola.

Your flower isn't so bad.

- Thelma!
- Well, I'm sorry.

But you know perfectly well

it is my year to win
the Crystal Thorn.

You didn't stand
a chance anyway.

Thelma Harper, you
did this on purpose!

What are you gettin' at?

No wonder you were so generous

letting me use your yard.

You knew that lothario
was ready to pounce!

- Pretty shrewd, mama.
- Shut up, Vinton!

Now, I may be guilty
of a lot of things, slim

but if mother nature wants
to make a little whoopee,

I ain't takin' the rap for that!

Don't think you're gonna

wiggle out of it so
easy, you garden snake!

- Get out of my yard!
- With pleasure.

And you can have
this lousy rose!

What the hell am I
supposed to do with it?

Stick it in your ear!
I'm switchin' to pansies!

Yeah, you'd have
trouble raisin' crab grass!

Grandma, I had no idea

you rose lovers
were so emotional.

Me neither, and they're
not even pregnant.

Hold it!

Just what is that cr*ck
supposed to mean?

Well, you know, Skeeter, goin'
off the deep end over nothin'.

Are you trying to say
that I am over-emotional?

No, sweetheart.

It's just sometimes
you get a little crazy.

Oh, crazy, do I? Well,
perhaps you're right!

I must have been out
of my mind to marry you!

Skeeter!

Come on, you guys! Uncle Vint!

Why, I tell you, when
it comes to high drama

"Knots Landing" has
nothin' on this bunch.

And now, for the grand prize.

The winner of the
coveted Crystal Thorn

for the most beautiful rose
in show is... Thelma Harper!

Me?

Oh!

Oh, you shouldn't have!

Oh, this is really too much!

It is so beautiful!

No. Thank you,
thank you, thank you!

I would like to thank
all of the little people

who made this possible.
But the hell with 'em.

Let's see. Where am
I gonna put this thing?

No, it's not at eye level.

Nobody's gonna
see it there anyway.

Well, I say if you're gonna
win the Crystal Thorn Award

flaunt it!

Talkin' to yourself, Thelma?

Well, May June, I
didn't hear you drive up.

Get a move on, kiddo.

We got to turn that Moose
Hall into a botanical garden.

Yeah. Well, hang on a minute.
I'm right behind you, hon.

Oh, hold on just one minute
before we go, May June.

I need to water my roses.

At this hour?

I only water my roses
at sunrise and sunset.

Well, I am but a mere
novice, not an expert like you.

Oh, you don't have
to call me an expert

just because I won the
Crystal Thorn Award 12 times.

Oh, I tell you what, May June

in my book, you are
the Babe Ruth of roses.

Oh, Thelma.

Oh, a Herbert Hoover, I see.

Yeah. Say, I just
had the craziest idea.

You don't suppose that
one of these blossoms

might be good enough to enter
in that show tomorrow, do you?

Well, let's just
take a look-see.

Yeah, let's.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm!

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh!

Nah.

Nah.

What do you mean "Nah"?

Thelma, let's not b*at about
the proverbial rosebush.

What you have here is a
ho-hum Herbert Hoover.

A-a h-ho-hum "Hubert Heever?"

I'm afraid so...

But wait!

Thelma, you sly prankster.

Teasin' me with this
mundane specimen

when all along, you
intended to enter

this extraordinary hybrid.

You mean you like this thing?

Stop it, you crazy cutup!

You know very well this
is the perfect marriage

between a Herbert
Hoover and a Dainty Bess.

It is?

How in the Sam
Hill did you do it?

Uh, well, let's just say,
without benefit of clergy.

No doubt about it.
This is your entry.

This rose? But I
can't enter this rose...

Of course this rose!

It's a shoo-in for
the Crystal Thorn.

The Crystal Thorn.

You bet your bud vase.

Now, what are you gonna name it?

Uh, well, gee, I don't know.

I hadn't given
that much thought.

Well, start thinkin'.

That name will be
enshrined forever

in a permanent cour d'honneur.

A permanent cour d'honneur, huh?

How does the "Princess
Thelma" grab you?

How's the poem
comin', Uncle Vint?

Oh, just puttin' the
last touches on it.

What makes you think this
is gonna win Naomi back?

Because I know
her favorite TV show.

"Beauty And The Beast."

You mean the one
with that pretty girl

who's in love
with the hairy guy?

Yep. That's the one.

I don't get it. What
does she see in him?

He looks like a big alley
cat, and he lives in a sewer.

It doesn't matter.

The way he sweet-talks a
woman, she's putty in his paws.

Maybe you're right.

I sure hope this
poem does the trick.

Well, let's hear what you got.

Okay. Here goes.

"Dear Skeeter, I
am feeling really bad

"that I made you cry and sob.

"Now, please don't be so mad

"'cause you're
not a fat, old slob.

"I was a fool to mention
your water retention."

Uncle Vint... "My
heart you have stolen

"though your
ankles are swollen."

Uncle Vint, that-that's
enough. That's enough.

Well, what's the
matter? Too sentimental?

Let's forget the poem.

Well, what about the
"Beauty And The Beast"?

Well, there's always her
other favorite TV show.

- What's that?
- "The Price Is Right."

Get her a present.

A present, that's a good idea.

Naomi's got a list
of things she wants

startin' with a Coupe de Ville

and endin' with a
rhinestone ankle bracelet.

The trouble is I can't
afford any of those things.

Bubba, what am I gonna do?

I know, Uncle Vint!

I got the perfect gift for you

and it's right in your
price range, for free.

Hey, now you're
talkin'. What is it?

You're gonna give her a haircut?

So long, May June!

Lord, that woman has a
green thumb and a lead foot.

Hello, my pretty, little...

Where is my Princess Thelma?

Oh, my lord! Somebody's
kidnapped her!

What kind of a sicko
would do a thing like this?

Yoo-hoo, Thelma!

Who else? Oh,
treachery, thy name is Iola.

Thelma, I have been thinkin'
about our little argument today

and I want you to
know that I'm sorry.

Cut the bull, Iola!

- Where is the rose?
- What rose?

Don't you play
innocent with me, missy!

You overheard May June
tellin' me that was a winner!

You stole it out of spite!

Well, Thelma Harper,
I wasn't even here!

- Yeah? Let me see your knees!
- What?

I'll bet you were down on
all fours hidin' in my bushes!

Why would I steal
your Herbert Hoover?

Not that two-bit ladies' man!

I am talkin' about
my Princess Thelma!

Princess Thelma?

Uh-oh!

You mean to tell me
that May June picked

my rose as a winner and you
named it Princess Thelma?

Well, you said
you didn't want it!

Well, of course I want it!

How dare you steal
the-the Boylen Beauty.

The Boylen... I
did not steal it!

You as much as
gave that thing to me!

- I didn't!
- You did too!

- I did not!
- Did too, did too, did too!

- Did not, did not, did not!
- You did too!

Don't you lie to me?

Hello.

Oh, isn't it a perfectly
beautiful afternoon?

Ahh. Have either one of you
seen Vinton around anywhere?

Naomi, will you butt out?

I'm tryin' to end my
friendship with Iola!

What, again? Well, go for it!

Thank you! Now, where were we?

- Thelma...
- Oh, yes.

I'll not stand here in
my yard... Thelma...

and listen to a bunch of lies

that you have made up just

because you cannot
stand the fact...

Naomi!

Freeze where you
stand, you rose-napper!

The jig is up!

What on earth are
you talking about?

Oh, as if you didn't know.

Now, just hand over
the rose nice and careful

and nobody will get hurt.

Certainly not!

This is my rose. It was a gift.

Oh, yeah, right. A gift.

Okay.

- Just let us have it.
- No!

When I woke up from my
nap, it was lying on my pillow.

You are lyin'
through your teeth!

Skeeter, you found my gift.

Yes, honey.

We found the perfect
vase for it up in the attic.

Get that butt-ugly thing
away from my rose!

It is not your
rose. It is my rose!

Iola, you said
you didn't want it.

See? That's my boy.

You didn't want it either, mama.

Shut up, Vinton!

That's why I told Uncle
Vint it would be okay to cut it.

Good lord! My home
is a den of thieves!

That's right, and it's no
place for the Boylen Beauty.

Get your hands off of
that thing. It belongs to me!

Oh!

It's ruined!

My beautiful rose!

Mama, what have you done?

Me?! I am not the
only guilty party here!

Well, I was just trying to
save my little token of love.

Oh, face it, Naomi, we're
all guilty of rose-icide.

You're right, Iola. All
because we both wanted

that stupid Crystal
Thorn Award so bad.

Oh, Thelma, how could we?

No dumb award is worth
ruinin' a beautiful flower.

Much less a
beautiful friendship.

- Aw!
- Oh, Thelma!

We'll never fight again.

Amen to that, neighbor.

Don't you worry, Skeeter.

I'll go down to the quickie mart

and get you a whole
big bunch of flowers.

Oh, never mind, honey.

I'll just press a
couple of these petals

into my scrapbook.

You know, grandma,
you can always win

the flower show next year.

That bush is sure to
grow more roses by then.

You're right, Bubba.

I'll have a whole new
crop of Princess Thelmas.

Don't you mean Boylen Beauties?

As long as that bush is in
my yard, I'll call it what I want!

Well, fine! I'll transplant
it into my yard!

The hell you will!
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