06x13 - Mama Takes a Dive

[bunniefuu]

Oh, it's so nippy in this house.

Honey, do you think you're
gonna be able to fix the furnace?

No problem, Skeeter.

I'll have her workin' in
two shakes of a lamb's tail.

A lamb could do
the hoochie coochie

from now till doomsday,
we'd all still be freezin'.

Not necessarily, Mama.

I just found... my lucky wrench.

We'll be lucky if he
doesn't blow us up.

Have a little faith, Ms. Harper.

Vinton is very
good with his hands.

Yeah, just too bad this
house doesn't heat up

as easy as you do.

Knock, knock!

Hi, Thelma. Are you
ready to go to the mall?

Oh, dear. Is Vint still
workin' on the furnace?

I swear, I think we're
gonna wind up cold and deaf.

What a shame. Maybe it's
time to call Pete the plumber.

She already did,
he told her replacing

the furnace would cost $5,000.

- No!
- Can you believe it?

I just put the thing
in 35 years ago.

Well, I guess you're
gonna have to be dippin'

into your nest egg.

Are you kiddin'?

We poached that
sucker years ago.

Gee, Ms. Harper

I guess you're just
gonna have to break down

and apply for a bank loan.

I hate all the rigmarole
the bank puts you through.

Oh, no, Thelma. It's easy
to get a loan nowadays.

Raytown National's
slogan is "Cash in a flash."

Yeah, "Cash in a flash"

"and you're in the red till
you're dead." No thank you.

I'm not gonna go beg for money

from those
coldhearted loan sharks.

Besides, maybe Vinton will
get my furnace fixed, after all.

Oh!

- My lord!
- Baby, are you alright?!

Yeah, I'm fine, Skeeter.

Maybe this isn't my
lucky wrench after all.

Come on, Iola.
Let's get a move on.

The bank closes at three.

Boy, Uncle Vint, it's a
good thing you remembered

this space heater
was out in the garage.

Yeah.

You know, this is...

kind of like sittin'
around a campfire.

Ha ha. Does that give my
wilderness boy some ideas?

You bet it does, Skeeter.

Let's tell ghost stories.

I know a great one!

It was a dark and stormy night.

This newlywed couple
was in a cabin in the woods

not knowing there was
a maniac on the loose.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

As they warmed
themselves by the fire

suddenly there was
a knock on the door.

- Knock, knock!
- Ah!

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to frighten you

but Thelma's had an accident.

- What?
- An accident?

She fell down at the bank.

Are you alright?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I just hurt my
pride and my butt.

Mama, you fell on
that hard marble floor?

Well, it wasn't so bad. The
velvet rope broke my fall.

Come on, grandma! Let
me help you to your chair!

Oh, pipe down!

I didn't fall on my ear!

How did it happen, Ms. Harper?

I blame the whole thing on
that pipsqueak of a loan officer.

- He turned her down.
- Oh, I'll tell you what.

I was so mad, I didn't
look where I was goin'

and I slipped on
a roll of pennies.

Boy, talk about
adding insult to injury.

Well...

Well, actually, Skeeter

it would be injury to insult

b-because she
was insulted first.

Now, if she had fell first...

How would you like to
be injured and insulted

all at the same time?

Alright, Thelma. Just calm down.

Why don't you go
upstairs and take a rest?

Will you leave me
alone? I'm just fine.

Well, you never can tell.

Mother fell down 25 years
ago. She hasn't gotten up since.

Well, thank you for
the comforting thought.

Oh, speakin' of mother,
I better skedaddle.

It's time for her
midafternoon Eskimo pie.

I'll look in on you later.

So, Ms. Harper, how much
are you gonna sue for?

Sue? What the hell
are you talkin' about?

Well, everybody in
your position can sue.

Aunt Naomi's right, the
bank was negligent leavin'

all those rolls of pennies
around for you to fall on.

Oh, it was not all those rolls.

It was one roll, and it
belonged to a little kid

who was playin'
with it on the floor.

Ah-ha! Then we'll sue him.

Good thinkin', Vinton.

And then if the
brat can't pay up

we'll just put a lien
on his play-doh.

Grandma, if it
happened in the bank,

then they're the ones
who are responsible.

And they're the ones
who've got all those bucks.

Did they even apologize to you?

No, hell, no. All they did
was give me a lousy calendar.

They didn't even
validate my parkin'.

Or give you a loan.

Well, I say bleed
those bankers dry!

For heaven's sake. My
back just hurts a little bit.

How am I gonna make a
federal case out of that?

- Settlement Sam Travis can.
- Oh!

That sleazeball that
advertises on the TV?

Yeah. I love his commercials.

Oh, watch me. Watch me.

Thanks to you, Settlement Sam

my broken collarbone

was worth $400,000.

It was the best
break I ever had.

Quick, somebody
change the channel.

Well, what have you
got to lose, Ms. Harper?

Settlement Sam gives
free consultations.

And remember, you
need a new furnace.

Yeah. Brrr, Mama. Brrr! B-r-r-r!

Oh, alright, alright.

I always said it'd be a cold
day in the Harper house

before I'd listen to you g*ons.

So I was real upset and I wasn't
payin' attention to where I was

going and I didn't see that
roll of pennies lyin' on the floor.

In other words, you were
calmly going about your business

and through the
negligence of the bank...

That heartless
monument to greed.

A device of doom... was
maliciously left in your path.

- Is that what I just said?
- Verbatim.

Now, let's get to the good part.

What are your symptoms?

And hold nothing back,
you brave little lady.

- Go ahead, Ms. Harper.
- Tell him, grandma.

Well, uh, I've got a little
bruise on my backside.

Oh, no! Spinal cord injury.

Your leg is numb
and you can't raise

your hands above your head.

Oh, Mama, my poor mama!

Oh, dry up, Vinton!

I'm fine! I can do anything
I want with my arms.

Yeah, but can you put
both arms behind your back

and touch 'em like this?

Let me see. Oh,
lord. I guess not.

Ah-ha! Severe
deltoid impairment.

What does that mean?

Big bucks, my dear, big bucks.

Oh, no! Now, my
deltoid doesn't work.

Neither does your
brain! Now, shut up!

I'm consultin' with my
lawyer, here. Go ahead, Sam.

Now, think back Thelma
and tell me exactly

what happened
after the accident.

Okay, okay, there I was,
sprawled out on the floor

and I was lookin' at
myself in the TV monitor

and I thought how funny it is

that you can never tell where
the cameras are in those places.

What a woman! You fell
right before the cameras!

Ha ha! We've got this
bank by its credit rating.

Gee. How much are you
gonna sue for, Mr. Travis?

Not a penny less
than three five.

Oh, $3,500?

No! $3.5 million.

- Ooh!
- Wow!

All that money
for a little fall?

Little?

You suffered mental anguish

and a possible hip replacement.

But this is fabulous!

Oh, honey, our little sweet
pea is gonna be born into wealth!

Nice goin', grandma.

Just think, Mama, $3.5 million!

You know something, my
neck is kind of hurtin', too.

That's my girl!

Now, I'd better get
back down to the bank

before they destroy those tapes.

Oh, this is going so well.

Wow, who would've
thought a roll of pennies

could turn into all that money?

God bless that little tyke.

And I'll tell you what,
when I win my suit

don't think I'm
gonna forget him.

He is gettin' a
whole roll of quarters.

I'll get the door!

Will you leave me alone?
I can walk on my own.

Ms. Harper, quit
walkin' so fast.

Take it one step
at a time, grandma.

Remember, you have
been in a terrible accident.

How can I forget?

I look like I've been
body-slammed by Delta Burke!

Come on, grandma. Let's
go inside. You need your rest.

No, I don't want to go
in that freezin' house.

I just want to sit out here
in the sun for a few minutes.

Well, you, oh,
good thinkin', Mama.

Let the neighbors see
how pitiful you look.

Oh, Vinton!

Stop it!

Those insurance adjusters always
check with the people next door.

Lord. I never knew makin' a few
million bucks could be so hard.

I know what would be a
great attention-grabber.

Let's wrap a great, big, gauzy
bandage around your head.

Why don't you all just
put me in a full-body cast

and prop me up down
there next to the flamingos?

Mama, this is nothin'
to be kiddin' about.

The doctor says your
injuries could be real serious.

Oh, what does that quack know?

Hey, Settlement Sam
recommended him very highly.

Big deal, he's the only
doctor I've ever heard of

who works out of his car.

He explained that, Ms. Harper.

That's only temporary
till the office gets painted.

Yeah, and I saw his
medical diploma myself.

It was hanging from
the rearview mirror

right next to the fuzzy dice.

Knock, knock! Oh,
Thelma, you poor dear.

Oh, now, Iola, it's
not as bad as it looks.

Oh, please. I saw the trouble
you had gettin' up those steps.

Yeah. Pretty pathetic, huh?

Her doctor is deeply concerned.

Well, I would be
deeply concerned, too

if my office needed
new tires and a valve job.

Believe me, Iola.
I am just fine.

Oh, isn't she a saint?

Her body may be
broken but not her spirit.

Yeah. We're real proud of her.

Will you all quit talkin' about
me like I'm not even here?

Hey! Stop rockin' me!

Lord, I just
took a little spill.

I didn't buy the farm.

And you're not goin'
to, my brave little soldier.

Now, I have made you
some beef-barley soup

and a prune whip to help
you on the road to recovery.

A prune whip, huh?

That road to recovery
better have some rest stops.

What if I go heat up your soup?

Well, thank you, sweetie,
but I don't need any help.

- I'm perfectly cap...
- Oh, now, not another word.

I am gonna help you recover
no matter how long it takes.

Keep the faith, buckaroo.

Lord. Iola's actin' like
I'm at death's door.

That's great, if your
best friend believes

you're in a bad way, so
will the insurance company.

Yup, and then that settlement
money will come rollin' in.

That's right, I am lookin'

at my million-dollar mama.

Yeah? How come I
feel like two cents?

Lord, I will be so glad

to get out of
these contraptions.

Here I thought my
long-line girdle was a k*ller.

Ms. Harper, what on
earth are you doing?

- I'm rinsin' my dishes.
- In broad daylight?

The insurance
adjuster and the lawyer

are gonna be here any minute

if they see you doin'
chores our lawsuit

is gonna go right down
the drain with the dishwater.

For shame, Mama. Rinsing.

Well, I'm sorry, but I
just couldn't help myself.

I started off innocent enough
with a cup and a saucer.

I thought I could quit.

I kept tellin' myself it
was just recreational.

Next thing you knew,
I was in the hard stuff.

- Pots and pans.
- Alright. Very funny.

Now, come along into the
living room, and sit in your chair.

I'm sick of sittin' in my
chair and doin' nothin'.

Mama, the lawyer
said not to lift a finger

until after you meet with
the insurance person.

Yeah, but how come I have
to meet him in my nightie?

We have been through
this a hundred times.

It has to look like you're
too weak to dress yourself.

Here, let me tighten
up that sling for you.

Oh, Vinton! Lord!

Your butt's gonna be in a sling

if you don't quit
jerkin' me around.

- Okay, everybody, I got it!
- Got what?

Somethin' that is gonna
cinch your case for sure.

Look, Mama. It's...

It's a walker.

I know what the hell it is!

Bubba, you can walk that
thing right back where you got it!

But Settlement Sam
says you gotta use it

to show the insurance
company how bad you're hurt.

Oh, no. I am not
touchin' that thing.

Oh, come on, Mama.
Please? Huh? Please?

Look, this will be fun.

Vinton, get that pile of
pipes out of my house.

But, grandma, if you use
it you can have everything

you've ever dreamed of,
including a new furnace.

Yeah and with what's left over,
you can buy us some stuff, too.

Yeah, like a college education
for your new grandchild.

And a Corvette for
your old grandchild.

Stop droolin', you
greedy gophers.

Now, I agreed to the
brace, I agreed to the sling

but I have to draw the line
at hobblin' around in a walker!

sh**t, Vinton, now we're never

gonna have enough
money to move out of here.

Give me that thing, Vinton.
I got some practicin' to do.

Ooh! Mama, it's them.

Quick! Sit down. Sit
down. Sit down, here.

- Now, put your feet up, here.
- Ow, Vinton.

Act like you're in pain.

- Well, I am in pain.
- Good.

Don't forget about the
three and a half mil, grandma.

I won't, I won't. I will give
the performance of my lifetime.

Okay. Okay.

Come in, Mr. Travis.

Afternoon, Vint, everyone.

This is Miss Small
from Tri-State Insurance.

The Harper family.

How do you do?

- Hello.
- Hello, Miss Small.

This is our claimant,
Mrs. Thelma Harper.

I figured.

How are we today, Mrs.
Harper? Still pretty terrible?

Terrible would be a
blessin', Mr. Travis.

My poor grandma.

Oh, what a tragedy.

Mama, Mama.

Look how heartbreaking this is.

One calamitous fall...

four shattered lives.

Mrs. Harper,
Raytown National Bank

is sorry about
your little mishap

but they do feel 3.5 million

is a little excessive.

You're not gonna offer me
another calendar, are you?

No.

However, statistics do show...

Forget your charts and graphs!

Behold the woman!

Mrs. Harper, would
you, could you

manage a few steps
for our Miss Small?

Oh.

Go on, give it a try.

- You can do it, grandma.
- Here, let me help you, Mama.

No, it's alright, I think I
can manage myself, son.

Oh!

Come on, Bubba. It's
gonna take the two of us.

Take it easy, now,
boys. Be careful!

Am I movin' yet?

No, dear, hold on
tight and try putting

one foot in front of the other.

Slow down, grandma!

Don't overexert yourself.

Not such big steps, Mama.

Oh!

I'm hearin' bells.

Knock, knock!

Oh, Thelma, no!
Has it come to this?

Hi, Iola.

What are you doin' up?

Whatever it is, I will
get it for you. Sit down.

I can't. They're makin' me walk.

You should be
ashamed of yourselves!

No, no, Iola. You
don't understand.

This is the insurance
adjuster. This is our lawyer.

This is our
neighbor, Iola Boylen.

They're here to see
how bad off grandma is.

Oh, hell. I seem to be at
the bottom of the stairs.

Did you want me to climb those?

Forget the stairs, Mrs. Harper.

I think you've walked enough.

Thank God.

So, what do you
say now, Miss Small?

Well, I say I'm not convinced.

Not convinced? Well, do
you think that she is faking?

Obviously, you do not
know Thelma Harper.

This woman is as
honest as the day is long.

Oh, now, Iola, you don't
have to go on about it.

Oh, I most certainly do.

Just a few days ago
this was a vibrant woman

and now look at her

a pathetic shell
of her former self.

Tired, weak, frail
listless, sickly...

Really, Iola, you don't
have to go on about it.

Feeble, old, decrepit

a suffering,
shuffling shut-in...

Oh, shut up, Iola!

Is all this talk
wearin' you out?

Well, let's get you
to your chair, mother.

Hold it just a minute.
What did you just call me?

Oh, did I say, you were
just so much like mother

I guess it just
kind of popped out.

Well, you stuff it back in,
and get your hands off of me!

I have had it! I cannot
go on with this anymore!

I am nobody's
helpless, old mother!

Now hear this!

Thelma Harper is alive and well!

Pay no attention. Her
mind goes off sometimes.

Yeah, it's not the only
thing that's goin' off

startin' with this
stupid neck brace.

♪♪ Da da da ♪♪

♪♪ Da da da ♪♪

♪♪ Da da da ♪♪

♪♪ Da boom ♪♪

♪♪ Da boom ♪♪

♪♪ Da da da ♪♪

♪♪ Da boom ♪♪♪♪

There goes your case, Travis.

And our fortune.

And my Corvette.

Thanks a lot, Mama.

Thelma, I just can't
believe you faked all of this.

I'm sorry, Iola.

I saw all those dollar
signs and went nuts.

That's it, mental impairment
due to concussion.

Stick it in your
briefs, you shyster!

Well put, Mrs. Harper.

Obviously, your injuries
are not that significant

but since you did
fall at the bank,

I am prepared to
offer you a settlement.

- A settlement?
- Mm-hmm.

If you just sign right here

I will give you a
check for $5,000.

$5,000?! Hot damn!
Do you hear that?

This is gonna buy
me my new furnace!

Uh, well, you're
forgetting my, uh, fee.

I'll be taking my
usual 80 percent.

Hold it, you mean Ms. Harper's
only gonna get...$1,000?

No, no, no, not quite.

She still owes me for
mileage, phone calls, xeroxing.

Well, how much is she gonna get?

Why don't you just
sign the check over

to me and we'll be even?

Wait a minute! You mean
I'm not gettin' anything?

Zero? Nada? Zilch?

There goes my new furnace.

Serves me right for
listenin' to my crooked family.

Well, look on the
bright side, Mama.

You got yourself a brand
spankin' new walker.

Well, wait till I get through
with the three of you!

Y'all can take turns usin' it!