06x16 - Pinup Mama

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mama's Family". Aired: January 22, 1983 – February 24, 1990.*
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Spin-off series revolves around the wacky misadventures of the Harper family, extended non-Harper family members and their neighbor friend in later seasons.
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06x16 - Pinup Mama

Post by bunniefuu »

Come on, now open up.

That's my good, big boy.

Oh, Skeeter, I can't eat any
more of those mushed-up peas.

Of course you can. Now
here comes the little airplane.

- Oh.
- Mmm.

Open up the hangar.

Well, Good Lord, Naomi,
what are you gonna do next?

Put him on your
shoulder and burp him?

For your information,
Mrs. Harper

we are testing baby foods
to find out which are the best

for our little bundle of joy.

Yeah, mama, we are just
bein' concerned, mature parents.

No more peas! Apple
sauce! Apple sauce!

Shut up and wipe your
face, you Gerber goon.

Thelma, these 78s are
heavy. Where shall I put 'em?

Put 'em in the closet.

And be careful with those,
Iola, they're irreplaceable.

You can't get "Three
Wittle Fishies" on CD.

Hey, mama.

How did it go at the senior
singles' dance at the church?

Oh, we had a real good turnout.

Same as usual.

Still no men, huh?

Well, you know

I don't know what is the matter

with all the old
men. In this town.

I mean, it's just
a get-together.

It isn't a prostate exam.

Well, as your DJ, I think
the music is the problem.

I wish you'd let me update
it from my record collection.

Iola, I don't think the
Captain and Tennille

doin' "Muskrat Love"
is gonna turn the tide.

Boy, it must be
depressing to see all those

old ladies dancing
with each other.

Well, let me tell you about it.

And Roselle Huflander
always makes me lead.

I never should've agreed
to be the social director.

You know, I think you
need some publicity.

Why don't you make up
a flier and then distribute it

to all the golden
oldies in town?

Yeah, you could leave 'em
at the Senior Citizen Center

and the VFW Hall.

Not to mention the
denture-adhesive aisle

at Ray Drug.

sh**t, it's worth a try.

I don't think I
have the strength

to dip that tub
o' Roselle again.

Hey, Uncle Vint!

Oh!

Where are you, Bubba?

Your turn, grandma.
Now, just act natural.

Get that damn
camera out of my face.

Not that natural.

What's with all
the photos, Bubba?

I'm workin' on an assignment

for my creative
photography class.

Yeah, what is it? Portrait
of an annoyed family?

No, grandma.

I'm takin' photos
of people I know

and I'm gonna superimpose 'em

over a big picture of Ray Lake.

I'll call it "Sea of Humanity."

Sounds more like
"Lake of Losers."

Well, I think it
sounds fascinating.

Sort of like Salvador Dali
meets Jacques Cousteau.

I would love to have my photo
in your Sea of Humanity, Bubba.

- Okay, Aunt Naomi, smile.
- Oh, no, not now.

You've got to give me some
time to make myself beautiful.

Well, hell, Naomi's gonna
graduate in two years.

When can I take some
pictures of you guys?

When you quit
actin' like a paparazzi

and do it when
everybody is ready for you.

Yeah, okay.

I-I can get some
equipment from school

and set up a studio right
here in the living room.

And then I'll schedule
private sh**t, just like a pro.

- Thanks for the idea, grandma.
- Idea?

sh**t, I thought I just
put the kibosh on it.

Alright, Iola, how
does this sound?

"Men wanted. Must be
old and able to do box step."

Well, that's a start but
whatever we put on the flier

will be greatly enhanced
by my calligraphy.

Now which do you like best,
the Elizabethan or Gothic?

Well, the men we're
tryin' to attract are old

but they weren't born
in the Middle Ages.

Hello, ladies.

How do I look for
my photo session?

My goodness, she
looks so different.

You look so much less,
uh... uh, what's the word?

Trashy, cheap, sleazy
cheap, tawdry? Cheap.

For your information,
Mrs. Harper

this is my new maternal look.

Well, I think you look lovely.

Thank you, Iola.

Now, when are the two
of you gonna get ready

for your photo sessions?

- We are ready.
- Oh.

We've been ready
for the past half-hour

but Bubba's had people
traipsin' in and out all day

and he's way behind schedule.

Well, I'm not in any hurry.

I'm afraid I'm a bit camera-shy.

Really, why is that, Iola?

Oh, it all dates back to 1964.

Mother, daddy and I were
on vacation at Ray Falls.

Daddy was tryin' to get
all of mother in a picture.

I hope he was usin'
the wide-angle lens.

Unfortunately, no.

And he stepped
back without lookin'.

Ended up in the lower falls.

Oh, how awful.

Oh, thank goodness, mother
was a synchronized swimmer

in her youth.

She not only saved
daddy from drownin'

she went on to place
in the wet T-shirt contest

at our motor lodge.

Well, sweetie, no
wonder you're camera-shy.

I believe I would
be traumatized too

if I saw that woman
in a wet T-shirt.

Hey, ladies.

Well, if it isn't the
photographer's assistant.

Honey, when is Bubba
gonna be ready for us?

Well, this particular sh**t is
takin' longer than we thought.

Phew. I never knew photography
could be such hot work.

Neither did I.

Vinton Harper, you are
staying in this kitchen

until you cool off.

Maybe I'd better go see
what's happenin' in my house.

Are you getting my best side?

Well, they're all pretty good.

Hold it right there,
Bubba Hefner.

What are you and
your playmate doin'?

Grandma, it's for
my school project.

Yeah, and I'll be swimming
in the Sea of Humanity.

Yeah, you sure
got the lungs for it.

Grandma, Lisa and I are
trying to create a mood here.

Not in my livin'
room, you ain't.

You just go put on
your clothes, missy.

The vice squad is
probably on their way.

I just put on a fresh
coat of baby oil.

What, then slide
into your clothes

and out of my livin' room.

Well, I hope you're happy
you just ruined my session.

I am just gettin' you
back on schedule, mister.

It is time to take
family pictures.

So you forget about
the cheesecake

and let's bring
on the fruitcakes.

Naomi!

Now, Bubba...

I want to look very
demure in these pictures.

You got it, Aunt Naomi.

Think of something sweet.

Oh, okay, forget sweet.

How about playful?

Think of a kitten playing
with a little ball of yarn.

Okay.

Meow.

Okay, now, Uncle Vint

you said you wanted that
rugged, macho look, right?

You got it, big guy.

A real man... carryin'
a real man's tool chest.

Okay, go.

Oh!

Okay, now, Miss
Boylen, just try and relax.

Boy, you're really
startin' to loosen up now.

Uh, try thinking of
a sultry night in Rio.

That's it, Miss Boylen.

Oh. Well, Bubba, you
really made me relax

in front of the camera.

Oh, great. Then I'll
take one more sh*t.

Okay, now, Bubba, I
never take a good picture

because the photographers
are always sh**t' it

before I'm quite ready to...

Bubba, for cryin' out loud!

Just forget it, Bubba, I
can't take a good picture.

Grandma, we're not giving up.

I don't care if it
takes us all afternoon.

Lord, this is work. I tell ya,
I've got a whole new respect

for those spokesmodels
on "Star Search."

Will you wait a minute?

Bubba, knock it off!

But, honey, all of the
cribs are expensive.

Okay, Thelma, I think
this one's gonna fly.

"Gentlemen, are you lonely,
depressed, feelin' blue?

"Only your radio to
keep you company?"

Iola, we're tryin' to
promote a seniors' mixer

not a su1c1de hotline.

I'm only tryin' to help. None
of your ideas have worked.

Well, somethin' better work.

I'm supposed to have the
flier to the printer's in an hour.

Mrs. Harper you've got
to get people's attention

with something catchy.

- You deserve a break today.
- I sure do.

When are you leavin'?

No, I mean get an
advertising slogan.

Yeah, like, "Less
filling, tastes great."

or "I'm a pepper,
you're a pepper."

Yeah, I got one for you, Vinton.

"A brain is a terrible
thing to waste."

Hey, everybody, I finished
developin' the photographs.

- Oh, oh, oh.
- Let me see!

Let me see! Let me see!

I hope there's a good one of me.

I already knitted
a frame for it.

Oh, honey, you look
like such a stud-muffin.

And get a load of my
sexy, little cupcake.

Oh.

Will you two go preheat
your oven somewhere else?

Well, Thelma, I
believe that is the nicest

picture of you I've ever seen.

Let me see that.

Well, Iola, when you're
right, you are right.

I am just adorable.

Bubba, I will have two
dozen wallet-size of these

for my family and friends.

You got it, grandma.

Say, Uncle Vint,
you wanna help me

pick out some
pictures for my collage?

Well, I'm busy right
now, Bubba, I can't...

- You'll be glad you did.
- What?

Oh.

You bet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess I should help. Me
bein' his assistant and all.

- You got what I think you got?
- Sure do, Uncle Vint.

The envelope, please.

I can't wait.

Ooh, hubba, hubba, Bubba.

You like that one,

I got one that'll really
knock your socks off.

I'm all eyes.

Check this out.

Shame on you, Bubba.

How did you get
mama to pose like that?

I didn't, Uncle Vint.

I superimposed grandma's
head on Lisa's body.

You know, like Oprah
and Ann-Margret

on the cover of TV guide.

You, you took pictures of
Oprah and Ann-Margret?

Never mind. Trust
me, it can be done.

Well, it is kind of funny. You
gonna show this to mama?

Oh, not until I get it
blown up poster-size.

I wanna surprise her with it.

- You think she'll like it?
- Like it? She'll be thrilled.

How else could
she lose 50 pounds

without goin' on a diet?

Well, I do love sittin'
here admirin' myself

but it sure isn't helpin'
me get my flier done.

Oh, Thelma, that's it.

A picture's worth
a thousand words.

Why not put your
picture on the flier?

- Oh, no, I couldn't.
- Oh, sure.

That way the men
can see at a glance

the kind of nice, respectable
women they'll meet at the mixer.

This is an excellent idea, Iola.

Oh yeah? Maybe
you're on to somethin'.

Let me see, I could get
the printer to put all of this

on the right side.

There'd be plenty of room
on the left for my picture.

Uh, Vinton, you
gotta get this down

to Ray Print for me right away.

- Now?
- Yes, now before it's too late.

Hey, that'll be
my catchy slogan.

"It's never too late
to have a good time."

- Oh.
- Perfect.

Uh, say, Uncle Vint, as long
as you're goin' to Ray Print

could you have 'em make
up a poster of this picture

like we talked about?

Oh, sure thing, Bubba.

Okay, Vinton, Vinton. I put all
the information for the printer

on the back of the flier here.

Here. Just run 'em down there.

Tell 'em to run 'em off
and send 'em right out.

Don't worry, mama, I've
got everything under control.

Thelma, don't you even
want to see how they turn out?

Well, no. I don't have time.

I'm just gonna have
to hope for the best.

I'll tell you what girls, if
this flier doesn't wake up

those old geezers, nothin' will.

- Is she here yet?
- Is she here?

No, but she should
be pretty easy to spot.

Yeah.

Oh, my word! Will
you look at this turnout!

I guess, your flier
really did the trick.

I'll tell you what, it
pays to advertise.

You give 'em what they want

you'll have 'em
chompin' at the bit.

How are ya? How've you been?

There she is.

Hiya, fellas.

- Holy moley.
- Hotsie totsie.

Thelma, it looks like your dance
card's gonna be filled tonight.

Yeah, it's a good thing
I put on fresh corn pads.

She probably wants to thank
me for diggin' up all these men.

I hope you're happy, Thelma.

Well, I'm thrilled.
The place is packed.

I think it has a lot to
do with Thelma's flier.

No kiddin'. Whatever gave
you the idea to do such a thing?

Well, I just figured my
photo would show these fellas

the kind of women they could
meet and spend the night with.

Well, I never!

- Lucille, where you goin'?
- Home!

Just as soon as I can
pack up my macaroni salad.

Who put a bug in her britches?

She's just jealous, 'cause
it's your picture on the flier.

Well, it is not my fault that I
was cursed with great beauty.

Well, I think I'll
spin some platters.

I'm gonna start out
with a slow tune,

get us warmed up
before we start boppin'.

Okay.

- Allow me, pretty lady.
- Oh, thank you.

And I'll hold your cup.

Well, it is so nice to
be around gentlemen.

I'm Wes.

I'm Ernie.

I'm Thelma.

We know.

I'll bet you boys saw my flier.

- Yeah.
- Sure did.

Nice picture.

Care to dance?

Well, there's no music.

Well, that's alright, I'll hum.

I think I'll just
stand this one out.

It's kind of warm in here.

- May I take your coat?
- Oh, I'll help.

Oh, well, I'm still
a little bit chilly.

Bummer.

Well, if you'll excuse me

as social director,
I've got to mix.

I want all you boys to have
an evenin' you never forget.

What a woman!

Alright, attention, everybody!

May I have your attention?

I would like to welcome
all of our newcomers

to our little shindig.

My name is Thelma Harper.

Hi, Thelma.

Yeah, we want all of you
gents to have fun, fun, fun!

Oh, yeah!

It's time to start
the music, Lucille.

I'm gonna play Glenn Miller.

You sure you don't wanna stay?

- Positive.
- How 'bout Kay Kyser?

- Forget it, we're leavin'.
- But why? I don't understand.

Oh, as if you didn't know.

Oh, my God!

Well, we have plenty of great
records to play for you tonight.

So I hope you're all
in the mood to swing.

Yeah!

Thelma!

Aren't you boys eager?

I'm gonna tell you a
little secret. So am I.

You sure know how to
make a girl feel wanted.

I know I want you, Thelma.

- I have to talk to you.
- Not now, Iola.

Can't you see these
boys wanna dance?

- Now, who's first?
- Me! I'm a great dipper.

Aah!

How did this trash
get on this flier?

This is gonna
ruin my reputation.

Well, you should have thought
of that before you posed for it.

I didn't pose for
this, you ninny.

I've never worn a bathing
suit without a skirt in my life.

How did this happen?

I've got a feelin' my no-good
shutterbug of a grandson

is responsible for this.

Come on, Thelma, let's dance!

Thelma, what are you gonna do?

These old coots got more on
their mind than the hokey pokey.

Well, I'm gonna set these
dirty old men straight right now.

Now, listen up, everybody!

Just hold it a minute,
you sleazeballs, now!

This may be my face, but
these are sure as hell not my...

Well, this is not my body.

Prove it!

You know what,
you're askin' for it!

Alright.

Read 'em and weep.

Hey, no fair! False advertising!

Oh, shut up, you senior sicko!

This may be a party, but that
does not mean I'm a party girl.

Oh, what about your friend?

Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

Shame on you.

Shame on all of you.

Whatever happened
to good, clean fun.

If you would like to stay,
and behave like gentlemen

and dance with nice,
respectable ladies,

you are more than welcome.

If not, there is the door.

Let's go, guys!

Well, fine, hit the
road, you geriatric jerks!

You wouldn't know what to
do with a real woman anyway.

Calm down, Thelma, we
might as well leave, too.

Leave, hell.

I came here to boogie.

Iola, may I have this dance?

I'll lead.

Well... at least you got a
nice big poster of yourself

out of this mix-up, mama.

Oh, shut up, Vinton.

I never wanna see
that picture again.

It reminds me of the
worst night of my life.

Gee, Mrs. Harper,
I don't know why.

Havin' all those
men runnin' after you

doesn't sound so bad to me.

You didn't see the way
they were leerin' at Thelma.

Well, it was just
a joke, grandma.

It's nothin' to lose
your head over.

Oh, well, you're very funny.

Let's see how your
head looks on this body.

Ow!

You get the picture?
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