06x17 - Guess Who's Going to Dinner

[bunniefuu]

Well, Iola, these little
Mother's Day centerpieces

just turned out adorable.

How did you make all
these flowers look so real?

Well, it is amazing
what you can do

with reclaimed dryer lint
and starched toilet paper.

I had to ask.

Well, as chairwoman of
the Mother's Day banquet

I want everything to be perfect.

It's nice to do somethin'
for all those mothers

that got no place else to go.

Well, why don't
you join us this year?

Are you nuts? I ain't
hangin' out with those losers.

Why, hi, y'all.

Mrs. Harper, do you know where
my old checker's apron went?

I have to fill in for one
of my girls on Sunday.

Sunday? sh**t, I wouldn't
work on Mother's Day

for all the money in the world.

It's the one day of the year
your family appreciates you

whether they want to or not.

Well, my man appreciates
me all year round.

I'm not talkin' about smut here.

Talkin' about the sacred love
between a mother and her child.

Well, I certainly
treasure my mother.

And she says,
next to her vaporizer

I am the most
important thing in her life.

There you go.

Well, I can't wait until
sweet pea is big enough

to celebrate
Mother's Day with me.

Oh, well, you don't
have to wait, Naomi.

sh**t, when my kids were little

Carl treated me like a
queen on Mother's Day.

What did he do for
you once they got older?

Oh, he forgot all
about his queen.

He just stayed in the
bathroom on his throne.

Hey, everybody!

- I've got the best news!
- What?

Don't tell me a puppy
followed you home again

'cause you cannot keep it.

Nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope! It's not that.

You know that giveaway
promotion over at the mall?

- Yeah.
- Well, I won.

I won!

Oh, son, you won?

The first prize? The minivan?

No. The tenth prize.

I have won a Mother's
Day dinner for two

at that new Moroccan
restaurant on the mall.

Oh! You mean Abdul's
Garden of Eatin'?

Well, whoop-dee-do!

Honey, that's the most
expensive restaurant in town!

Ooh, "The Pennysaver" says
it's a sumptuous eight-course feast

with figs and couscous

and a bunch of other
stuff that Omar Sharif eats.

I think it sounds dreamy.

I'm gonna cancel my
plan to work on Sunday.

Morocco, here we come!

Hold it, toots. Don't
book your flyin' carpet yet.

You have not been invited.

What are you talking about?
My husband won the tickets.

Who else is he gonna invite?

Me! It's a Mother's Day dinner!

When it's Bimbo's
Day, you can go.

I will have you know I am
practically a mother myself.

And didn't you just
tell me that a husband

ought to treat his wife
really nice on Mother's Day

when the kids are little?

Not that little!

Now-now, maybe Vint
could take both of you.

The hell you say!

No, not at those prices.

Besides, I spent all my
money on raffle tickets.

Well, then, I guess you have
a decision to make, Vinton.

That's right. Which one
of us are you takin', son?

Well, uh...

Skeeter... would...

Mama, forgive...

Do I have to?

You certainly do.

You make up your mind right now!

Now, now, ladies just,
just calm down now.

I-I think there is a simple
solution to this problem.

But in order to avoid
hurting anybody's feelings

I will be referring
to you as Mother A

and you as Mother B.

How come she
gets to be Mother A?

- Because I was here first.
- Well, I don't care.

I am first in his heart!

Well, we're gonna find that
out right now, aren't we, son?

Oh boy. Now I lost
my train of thought.

Tsk! Vinton, that train
never left the station.

Uh, m-m-may I intervene?

I believe I know a way

to save Vint from makin'
this difficult decision.

Oh, now you're talkin',
Iola. What is it? What is it?

It requires a small sacrifice

from either Mother
B or Mother A.

I ain't likin' the
sound of this one.

Go ahead, Iola, spill it.

Very well. Uh, Mother
B, consider Mother A.

In the glory of her golden years

don't you agree that
age has its privileges?

You said it, Iola.

Uh-huh, but, uh, Mother
A, look at Mother B.

Surely a woman in the family
way deserves special treatment.

Way to go, Iola.

Just what the hell are you
drivin' at, F. Lee Boylen?

Isn't it obvious?

One of you must make a
gracious gesture and step aside.

What do you say, ladies?

I think you ought to
get out of my house

before I give you
a gracious gesture!

Well, fine! I was
just tryin' to help!

Oh, forget it, Iola.

What do you know about
motherhood, anyway?

Oh, and I suppose 12
years of raisin' hamsters

counts for nothing?

Alright, Vinton.

Go ahead and make your decision.

- Well, I don't wanna.
- Well, you have got to!

Be a man for once in your life!

Yeah! Which one of us gets
the dream dinner at Abdul's?

Okay, okay, okay.

You want an answer?

You got an answer.

This is it.

Nobody is goin'!

Vinton!

- Hey, Uncle Vint.
- Hey, Bubba.

How was your date with Terri?

Oh, it was great!

We saw this really
romantic movie.

"Bloodbath on Oak Street."

That's romantic?

Well, yeah, Terri was so scared,

she wouldn't let
go of me all night.

Well, you sure got
a way with women.

I wish I did.

Grandma and Aunt Naomi
still not talkin' to you, huh?

Well, Naomi did say
one thing to me last night.

She said, "You are sleepin'
on the couch, mama's boy!"

Well, look at the bright side.

Mother's day only
comes once a year.

Ooh, somebody's
big, strong shoulders

are all knotted up.

Probably from sleepin'
on that lumpy, old couch.

Well, you don't have to
do that anymore, honey.

Why don't you come on
downstairs and sleep with me?

You mean it?

Yeah, I'll light a stick of
our passion-flower incense.

Ooh!

Put on the Julio Iglesias tape.

Ooh-h-h!

And put a red bulb
in the night light.

Ooh!

- I've got my Skeeter back!
- Yes!

Oh-ho, baby!

We are gonna have
so much fun tonight.

- And tomorrow, too.
- Yeah.

- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.

When we have our
Mother's Day dinner

at Abdul's Garden of Eatin'.

What about mama?

Oh, never mind
about her. I got a plan!

Oh, now, honey, I don't think
that's the right thing to do.

Shh!

Let me go downstairs

and heat up the
musk massage oil.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

I'll be right down!

Oh, there's my boy!

Oh, mama, what are you doin' up?

Well, a mother knows
when her baby is hungry.

How would you like a
nice, hot cup of cocoa

to go with that sandwich?

Uh, no, I got to get downstairs.

I...

Cocoa?

I'll make it with these
little, tiny marshmallows

you love so much.

Ma-marshmallows.

I, well, yeah.

I got time for one cup.

You never could
say no to my cocoa.

You know, I wonder if
Moroccans like cocoa.

Gee, I-I wouldn't know.

Well, no matter.

I guess we'll find out
tomorrow at Abdul's.

Abdul's Garden of Eatin'?

Well, I'm not talkin' about
Abdul's House of Pancakes.

Mama, we can't
go. We just can't go.

Now, Vinton, don't you
worry about that wife of yours.

She'll never suspect a thing.

Don't tell me you got a plan.

Do you think I
would let your wife

destroy our Mother's Day?

Of course I got a plan!

Mama, I don't think
this is gonna work out.

But, Vinton, you
and I have spent

every single
Mother's Day together

since you were a
little baby in my arms.

Don't you remember when
you were seven years old

and you gave me that bouquet
of weeds that I was allergic to?

I blew up like a balloon.

Your daddy had to rush me

to the emergency hospital.

I kept those weeds
clutched to my bosom

even as they were wheelin'
me into Intensive Care.

Because they were
from my little, baby boy.

I don't remember that.

Well, I kept it from you.

I thought it was best.

Oh, mama, I-I had no idea.

So I thought that you
would wanna keep

our Mother's
Day tradition alive.

But if you don't want
to, I will understand.

I always have.

Oh, mama.

How many marshmallows
you want, darlin'?

Is the coast clear?

I guess so.

Gee, honey, I don't
know about this.

Oh, honey, everything is
going according to plan.

Your mama thinks that I have to

go down to work at Food Circus.

So now all I have to do
is put my dress in the car

drive over to Luann's,
change my clothes

and then I can meet
my favorite sheik

for the Mother's Day
dinner of our dreams.

Yeah but Skeeter,
uh, what about ma...

Not another word.

Now, I'm gonna put these things
in the car and come right back.

I want her to see me leave.

Oh, good, sweetie,
I caught you alone.

Now, listen.

I told Naomi that I'm gonna go

to the Mother's Day
banquet at the church.

And I think it's best if you
and I go in separate cars.

That way, she won't suspect.

Uh, mama, there's something
I think I ought to tell you.

Why don't you wait and
tell me at the restaurant?

Everything sounds
better over couscous.

Ho-hum. Work, work, work.

Guess it's back to
the old grind with me.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to
be scootin' pretty quick myself

since my son isn't
takin' me anywhere.

Well, at least you
get to eat somethin'.

All I get to do is work.

Bye-bye, darlin'. I
better be on my way.

Yeah, me too.

I'll see you after work, Vinton.

I'll see you after church, son.

Everybody gone?

I hope so.

Ooh, say, Uncle Vint, if
you're not gonna be usin'

that, uh, prize dinner
down at Abdul's

can I take Terri?

Oh, I'm sorry, Bubba.

I already gave the coupons
to mama and Naomi.

Hmm, you mean you're not goin'?

No. It was only
a dinner for two.

And they agreed to go together?

Well, not exactly.

It just, sort of...
happened like that.

Of course, there is one hitch.

What's that?

They're both expectin'
me to show up.

Oh, Bubba, what am I gonna do?

Ah! Welcome to
Abdul's Garden of Eatin'.

Looks more like
a cathouse, Abdul.

Yes, well, I am not
Abdul. I am called Baba.

Oh, well, what a coincidence.

My grandson's name is Bubba.

Hi, I'm Thelma Harper.

How nice for you.

Do you have a reservation?

Hey, believe me, I got
plenty of reservations

about this joint, but...
it is free and I'm here.

Ah, yes. The
winner of the raffle.

This explains everything.

May I show you to your table?

Yes. My son will
be here any minute.

Please follow me.

Where the hell were
you people raised?

Use a fork.

Mrs. Harper, eating
with the hands

is the custom of our country.

Ah, I bet it saves you a
bundle on the silverware, huh?

Yes. Follow me.

Well, no wonder you
got no table manners.

You got no tables.

Won't you have a seat?

I thought I was gonna
eat, not take a nap.

Perhaps if I
helped a little bit.

Don't touch me there.

I'll just... I'm gonna go
right over here, Bubba.

Just help me here.

I'm gonna sit just like this.

Well, I just love
this elegant dinin'.

Excuse the hands.

Oh, well.

Boy, what I wouldn't give

for a Barcalounger
right about now.

Oh, well, I can't
drink all of that.

It is for the washing
of the hands.

Well, you go on ahead, Bubba.

I already washed at home.

I will, I will send your son
to you when he arrives.

Yeah. Thank you so much.

Excuse me, miss, could I
get a menu over here, please?

You know, this is a restaurant.

Aren't you supposed
to be wearin' a hairnet?

Lord, they'll do
anything in this place

to keep your mind off the food!

Oh, no! Naomi!

I love your turban.

Hold it, hold it.

I'd recognize those
support hose any place.

Mrs. Harper?

What are you doing here?

Well, I could ask you
the same question?

Aren't you supposed
to be at work?

Aren't you supposed
to be in church?

Uh, I see that you two
ladies know each other.

How nice. Won't you have a seat?

With pleasure.

- Oh.
- Ah, yes, you are with child.

May I be of assistance?

Thank you.

Sort of odd, isn't it?

You know, if you can't handle
the customs in this place

you ought not to come.

I am here at the
invitation of my husband!

Well, I'm here at the
invitation of my son!

Uh, ladies, I am sure
when they both arrive

all will become clear.

Butt out, Bubba!

Baba will go. I'm called Baba!

How dare you follow me here!

How the hell can I follow you

when I was here first?

I don't care who was here
first, you're crashin' our party!

Your party, my Aunt Fannie!
This is for me and my son!

I'm not gonna let you ruin
my very first Mother's Day!

Well, why the hell not?

You ruin every day of my life!

Will you go bump that
belly somewhere else?

I'll tell you one thing
as long as we are stuck

in this hellhole
together, missy.

May I help you, sir?

Yeah. Uh, would
you take this note

over to the ladies
at the Harper table?

Uh, yes. Would you not
like to bring it yourself?

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

You are very wise.

With your constant harassment

we never get a moment's privacy!

Oh, is that so? Well, how'd
you get the bun in your oven?

A thousand pardons, ladies

but I have a note
here for a Mrs. Harper.

That's me!

Oh, it's from Vinton.

"Dear Mama and Naomi...

You notice who
got first billin' there.

"I guess you know by
now that I'm not there.

"Well, here is the reason."

You've got the
reason. What is it?

"How could I choose

"between the two most
important people in my life?

"I couldn't, so I stayed home.

"And even though I couldn't
afford that fancy meal

"I am the richest
man in the world

"because I have
two mothers to love.

"Vinton."

Well, that is just beautiful.

To think he gave
up his fancy meal

just to make us happy.

Hey, you know what?
I have got a great idea.

- What?
- Hey, Bubba!

Shh! Shh!

Hey, do you think that we
could get the eight courses to go?

Well, it is against
policy, but... yes!

Yes! Yes!

What a great idea, Mrs.
Harper! This is a perfect solution!

Yeah, now all we got to do
is figure out how to get up.

Boy, when they said feast

they weren't just
whistlin' Dixie!

Mmm! And eating with
your hands is so sensual.

Yeah?

Well, I call it messy.

I'm gonna go get
some paper towels.

Boy! I never had lamb
and apricots before.

Ain't that scrumptious?

And I thought the
Swedish meatballs

at the church banquet
were the last word.

Well, I don't think I
can eat another bite.

Hold on! Wait, everybody!
There's one more course!

♪♪ Ya ya-da-da da
da-da da-da da ♪♪♪♪

Go, grandma, go!

Hey, there is nothin'
to this bellydancin'.

Give me a buck, sailor.

Come on!

Just call me Florence of Arabia.