06x18 - Look Who's Breathing

[bunniefuu]

Alright, Bubba, one more time.

- "N-32."
- N-32, N-32.

Got it. Next.

That's your fastest
time yet, Miss Boylen.

Five and a half seconds.

Well, Iola...

Is Evelyn Wood teachin'
speed Bingo these days?

Of course not, Thelma. I
owe it all to arts and crafts.

There is nothin' like
macrame and decoupage

to develop finger dexterity.

Seventeen seconds,
grandma. Time is ticking away.

Well, you're tickin' me off!

It's a stopwatch, so stop it!

Now, Thelma, no
one said trainin'

for the Bingo Bonanza
would be easy.

Yeah, if you wanna
win that $1,500 jackpot

you've got to be able
to handle a lot of cards.

Well, sometimes I
think great Bingo players

are born, not made.

I mean look at Ida
Crook, she can sit there

with a chili dog in one hand

a beer in the other
and still play 15 cards

while she lights up a camel.

That's true. She is a natural.

Which just means the rest of us

have to work that much harder.

I suppose you're right.
Okay. One more time, Bubba.

Okay, grandma.

- "G-47."
- G-47. G-47.

You have two,
Thelma, there and there.

What? I don't need your help!

I can find 'em myself!

Where'd you say
the other one was?

Hello, all.

Hi, guys.

- How was your childbirth class?
- Well, great.

Another couple of sessions

and we'll be
experts at breathin'.

What course you gonna
take next, Hiccup 101?

No, Mrs. Harper, I'm learning
a special breathing technique

to help me relax.

It's going to make
delivery a breeze.

Dream on, mamacita.

No, Thelma, it really does work.

I saw it on "Thirty Something."

Or was that "The New Munsters"?

So, Uncle Vint, are you really
gonna be in the delivery room

with Aunt Naomi?

I sure am. I'm
gonna be her coach.

What do you got
planned for half time?

Drill team and a marchin' band?

Ha ha. Very funny.

Come along, Vinton.

Let us adjourn to our quarters.

Good idea, Skeeter.
I need a nap.

I'm b*at from all that relaxin'.

I tell you what, with
parents like those two

if that kid's got any
sense he won't come out.

Well, grandma, I'm
gonna go upstairs.

I've gotta write an essay
on the ecology crisis.

Wait, Bubba! What
is more important?

Acid rain or my Bingo game?

Oh, alright, I suppose the
ozone layer can hold out

for a few more minutes.

Oh, goody! Let's get it on!

Okay. "B-5."

- B-5, B-5.
- Bingo! Bingo!

Oh, big deal!

It's just a practice game!

Grandma, you've got a B-5.

Oh, I'll be damned! Bingo!

Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!

Knock, knock!

Hey, Iola. You ready
for the big night?

I certainly am. I've got
my Bingo survival kit.

Well, we're just
goin' to the VFW Hall,

not a fallout shelter.

What the hell you got in there?

Oh, not very much.

I've got milk duds
for quick energy.

A visor to minimize
fluorescent glare.

Liniment and Band-Aids

for serious cases
of Bingo finger.

Mother's doughnut cushion

for those never-ending
blackout games.

You got any Aspirin in there?
You're givin' me a headache.

- Regular or buffered?
- Oh, for heaven's sake!

Could we please just get goin'?

I wouldn't drink too
much of that coffee

if I were you, Thelma.

Bingo and bathroom
breaks do not mix.

You got a cork in that
bag for your mouth?

You guys off to Bingo already?

Uh-huh. We wanna get seats down
front so we can see the numbers

on the Ping-Pong
balls forward called.

That's gonna give us a
1.2 second advantage.

Where the hell did I
leave my pocketbook?

Oh, here it is, grandma.
I'll get it for you.

Well, jeez. What is this,
a purse or a bowling bag?

I wanted to make sure lady
luck was on my side tonight

so I packed my own
Bingo survival kit.

A four-leaf clover,
a lucky horseshoe...

and a can of mace.

Well, now, what's the mace for?

The parkin' lot, when I
leave with that 1,500 bucks.

Well, we're off to
our birthing class.

Well, Vinton, where are
you? Hurry up, honey!

I'm movin' as fast as I can!

Well, now, I've heard of couples

doin' everything together,
but this is ridiculous.

Well, I just can't get over it.

My boy in trouble.

Oh, now, Thelma, I'm sure

there's a perfectly
logical explanation for this.

Say, Uncle Vint, any
idea who the father is?

Alright. Lay off my
husband, the lot of you.

He is simply doing a
homework assignment

for our birthing class.

Well, it looks like
his assignment's

about a month overdue.

Skeeter, I'm tired
of bein' pregnant.

- Can I quit now?
- No, honey.

You have got to stay in
the family way all night.

What in the world are
you two talkin' about?

It's Vinton's turn to wear
the sympathy belly for class.

You see, Mrs. Harper

this has been
scientifically designed

to give the husband the
feeling of being pregnant.

I think it's been
scientifically designed

to make him look like a jackass.

Oh, I don't know, Thelma

it does kind of give
him that special glow.

Well, it sure is hard to move
around in this contraption.

Be careful, Uncle Vint,
your shoelace is untied.

It is? Which one?

I'll tie it for you, Vint.

No, Iola.

The rules say that he must
do everything for himself.

Oh, hot diggity alright,
little mother, do your stuff.

Let's see it, Uncle Vint.
Come on. You can do it.

Careful there now.

You can do it!

Oh, that's cheatin'!
You can't do that!

- Careful, careful, careful.
- No, no, no.

The Hindenburg has landed.

Well, Vinton, you've
just learned the first rule

of pregnancy. Always
wear penny loafers.

Somebody help me up.

I'm sorry, sweetheart,
but rules are rules.

I swear, you look like one
of them beached sea turtles

on one of those nature specials.

I always wonder
why the cameramen

don't just flip 'em over and
head 'em back out to sea.

Yeah. Uncle Vint, it's for you.

It's your boss
down at Kwik-Keys.

Oh, sit it right here, Bubba.

Look, it's Mabelle.

Hello, Mr. Carstairs.

Oh, no, I ca...
Bu-but, I-I have...

I've got it, sir. Right away.

What did Mr. Carstairs
want, Vinton?

Well, he's at the
Rendezvous Motel

out on Route 5.

Says it's an emergency.

- Oh, what sort of emergency?
- Well, I don't know.

All I could get out
of him was somethin'

about handcuffs, a headboard,

and a stewardess named Misty.

Help me up.

Vinton, I think we just had
that man to dinner last month!

But, honey, what
about our class?

I'm sorry, honey, but if I
don't help Mr. Carstairs

I'll lose my job.

Vint, aren't you
forgettin' somethin'?

Oh, yeah.

I'd better visit the bathroom.

Well, it can't be
mornin' sickness.

Not in his third trimester.

Oh, great.

Tonight is
transitional breathing

and now I have no coach.

Well, don't look at me.

I've got the greenhouse
effect to worry about.

Oh, no!

Now I am not gonna give
up a chance at 1,500 bucks!

Are you saying that
jackpot means more to you

than your daughter-in-law?

Bingo, bimbo.

Now, ladies, I think
there's a perfectly simple

solution to this dilemma.

- You're gonna go with her?
- Certainly not.

I meant that you
could do both, Thelma.

She's right! The class
gets out at a quarter to 8!

Well, there you have it.

You'll be out in plenty
of time to play Bingo.

By then, all the good
cards will be gone!

Oh, don't worry. I'll pick
some winners for you.

Well, you've got all the
answers, don't you, Miss Fix-it?

Yes, so is it
settled, Mrs. Harper?

Alright, I'll be
your damn coach.

Don't touch me.

Oh!

I think my ankles are swollen.

Well, I ain't callin' "Ripley's"

till your water breaks.

I'd better skedaddle.
Goodbye, hon.

Bye, darling.

Oh, aren't they sweet?

Sweet hell. They look like
Tweedledum and Tweedledumber.

Here's my
mother-in-law. Excuse me.

Mrs. Harper, have you been
calling that Bingo parlor again?

Well, yes I am. They're
already into the $50 games.

Where is your teacher?

I don't know, but I'm
sure she'll be here.

She's never been late before.

What do you want to
bet she took off and went

to the Bingo bonanza herself?

I doubt that very much. Now
come along and socialize.

Oh, Sally, Ed.

Forget it. I am in no mood to
hear the future moms of America

discuss the miracle
of disposable diapers!

Hello, everyone.

Sorry I'm late, but I
have wonderful news.

You're callin' off the class?

No.

I just shared in the
birthing experience

or your classmates
Verleen and Phil.

Oh, that is just wonderful!
What did they have?

Probably a boy or a girl!

Could we get started already?

I'm sorry, I don't
believe we've met.

Oh, Margaret Hedley,

this is my mother-in-law.
Thelma Harper.

She's standing in
for Vinton tonight

because he had an
emergency at work.

Oh, welcome to
the class, Thelma.

It's so nice when a member

of the older
generation participates.

Yeah, I'm gettin'
older by the minute

so let's cut the chit-chat
and get this show on the road.

Alright.

Class, let's start with
our relaxation exercises.

Everybody, make
yourselves comfortable.

Okay. Hurry up.

- Alright.
- Yep. I got you.

Looks like a herd of
hippos doin' the limbo.

Now, close your eyes.

Release all the
tension from your bodies

and just relax.

Okay, they're putty in
your hands. What next?

You, too, Mrs. Harper.

The quicker you relax,
the quicker we'll finish.

You got it, Mags.

Now, think of a place
that makes you happy

and go there in your minds.

Naomi, have you
found your quiet place?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

I'm at a club med, lyin'
on a beautiful, warm beach.

How lovely! Anyone else?

Yeah. I'm winnin' 1,500 big ones

in a smoky Bingo parlor.

Please. You're not
taking this seriously.

Oh, yes, I am. But who
wants to be on the beach?

It's full of sand,
fleas, and tar.

Then try someplace else.

How about a lovely,
green meadow?

What, and tiptoe
through the cow pies?

Well, there must be
someplace you can go.

Margaret, I will handle this.

Alright, Mrs. Harper,
I want you to pretend

that you're lyin' in the hammock

in the backyard
after a big meal.

What'd I have?

Barbecued ribs, baked
beans, and a couple of brews.

Now you're talkin'.

That's right.

You see, when we
cooperate and go with the flow

how wonderful we feel.

Oh, really!

Mrs. Harper...

Don't you dare!

And so, once again,
the cycle is complete.

A new baby, a new beginning.

Truly this is the joy of birth.

Let's take a short break.

Well, get me up here!

You know, Mrs. Harper,
I think that is the most

beautiful movie I've seen
since "101 Dalmatians."

Well, the plot could
certainly use a little work.

I knew right from the beginning
how it was gonna come out.

Perhaps you would have
been a little more moved

if you hadn't kept pressing
the fast-forward button!

All I did was speed
through the dirty parts.

I cannot believe she
would show that kind of smut

to a mixed crowd.

Alright, class, it's
time to move on.

Hallelujah! It's been great fun!

I'll see you later!

Just a minute.

Where do you think you're going?

To Bingo! She said
we could move on!

She meant move on
to transitional breathing!

This is what I need a coach for!

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Alright, ladies,
take your positions.

Coaches, down on your knees.

Oh, no.

Great.

Now we're gonna play Leapfrog.

Please! Just do what the
other coaches are doing!

Ladies, remember

in order to concentrate
on your breathing

it's good to use a focal point.

Look around the room
and try to pick out an object.

Anything will do.

Oh, let me see.

The light switch. No.

The thermostat!

No. I used that last time.

Will you shut up and focus?

I would like to get
out of here before

your nine months
are up, Buddha belly!

Now, coaches, you're
going to guide your partners

through the breathing
like this, remember?

Inhale... exhale.

Now you try it.

Pretend you're leading a band.

Inhale... exhale.

Inhale.

This room sounds like
an obscene phone call.

Mrs. Harper, I'm
waiting to be coached!

Alright, fine!

This is how Lawrence
Welk got his start.

And a one, and a two!

Hold it right there,
everybody! Wait!

My damn girdle's ridin' up.

Mrs. Harper, you are
disturbing the class.

Well, I am sorry, but
all of this breathing stuff

is just a bunch of hot air.

It is not. It is a
very important part

of the miracle of birth!

Miracle, my Aunt Fanny!

The only miracle

is how anybody survives
the God-awful pain!

Oh, Ed, what is she sayin'?

- Now, Sally, stay calm.
- No-o.

That's right, honey.
That's right, honey.

Mrs. Harper, we're
not naive about this.

We know that there's
a little... discomfort.

But controlled breathing

helps the mother
keep her mind off of it.

Well-spoken, Ed.

Yeah, spoken like a man.

What the hell do
you know about it?

Class, I'm gonna show you
a little breathin' technique

that I learned about an hour
before my Vinton was born.

It goes like this. Inhale.

Aah!

Please, don't pay any
attention to my mother-in-law.

She is from another time.

A time when they knew
how to treat the mother right!

The minute you got
to the delivery room

they knocked you out.

When you came to,
they combed your hair

slapped a bed jacket on you

and handed you a
little bundle of joy!

Well, we find this method
much more rewarding.

That's right. I want my Ed to
share in the birth experience.

Oh, Ed, share this.

Just go chain-smoke
in the waitin' room

like Mother Nature intended.

Is it really that bad?

Labor pain? Well, it is
just a little worse than this.

How about I slam your
thumb in the car door

squeeze your nose in a vice

and then knee you in the groin?

Harper, you are
scaring the class!

Please, everybody,
I'm sure you realize

that the birth process
isn't such an ordeal.

Well, maybe you're right, Mags.

The real horror starts
when you get that kid home.

You girls are gonna
be sweatin' b*ll*ts

tryin' to get the
little bugger to nurse.

Then once he does
decide to chow down

the sucker won't let go.

I'm tellin' you
right now, girls,

them C-cups are gonna be
headin' south for the winter.

Thank you for
sharing, Mrs. Harper.

Oh, I'm just gettin'
started, Mags.

Here's another little,
ugly fact for you girls.

You are gonna feel
like the walkin' dead.

Wakin' up and jumpin' out of
bed at 3 o'clock in the morning

to change a dirty
diaper. Whoosh!

And if you do have a boy

I suggest that you invest
in a good pair of goggles

'cause those little pistols can
hit a movin' target at 20 paces.

That will do, Mrs. Harper!

I'll tell you something else.
If I'm lyin', I'm dyin', girls.

Things between you and
your husband will never

ever be the same again.

Once you bring a
baby into the house

romance goes out the window!

Let's face it, not every woman
gets her figure back like I did.

Mrs. Harper, it's
time for you to leave!

Well, thank you, Mags,
I'm gonna get to Bingo

just in time to win my jackpot.

Good luck, girls, and remember
that breathin' technique.

Everybody, inhale.

Aah!

I am so sorry!

And it took Miss Hedley
nearly a half an hour

to get the class bonded again.

Wow! What a night!

Hey, how'd it go with
your boss, Uncle Vint?

Well, he was so grateful

that I helped him out
of his... predicament

that he promised
me a maternity bonus.

Oh!

Well, we're back. Hope
everybody had a wonderful evening.

Uh-oh. I don't see
any $1,500 smiles.

Well, I just can't believe it!

That cheapskate Roselle
won it playin' one lousy card.

That serves you right
for ruining our class.

Yeah, mama.

You made a mockery
of motherhood.

Shut up and count your
stretch marks, Mr. Mom!