06x03 - Lip Service

[bunniefuu]

SIGHS

SOBS

SCREAMS

SNIFFLES

Oh, Jesus Christ.

TOILET FLUSHES

SWITCH CLICKS

SWITCH CLICKS

SWITCH CLICKS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, my name is Eric Muller.
I'm the hotel manager.

I trust everything is in order?

Yes, fine, thanks.

I was just trying to find the
light switch for the bathroom.

Ah, it's just this one here, sir.

SWITCH CLICKS

Oh, right, I thought
I'd tried that one.

The gentleman next door said

he could hear sounds of distress.

Hmm? Oh, that was, uh,
probably the television.

Would you like for me to send
one of the guest relation team

to explain the room to you?

No, I'm sure I can work it all out.

I did manage to find

the do not disturb sign, after all.

I do need to check
the sell-by date

on your Lotus Caramelised Biscuits,
if I may.

We are between boxes at the moment,

and I do like to keep...

..abreast of the situation.

So, let us see here.

Good, as I had hoped,
good couple of months yet.

Well, if that's put your mind
at rest...

We do have guest response cards
with the hotel literature

by the console -

any comments, good or bad,
will be gratefully received.

OK, thank you.

We have had issues recently
with the gentlemen,

sometimes ladies,
wishing to book the room

on a day rate,
if you take my meaning.

This is something
we are very keen to stamp out.

I'm sure we understand
each other, Mr...

Hughes. Yes, I get it.

Uh, if I see anything untoward,
I'll let you know.

It would be most agreeable.

So, I will let you enjoy
a beverage.

Maybe I could reserve a table
for you at Paulo's tonight -

would you like that?

Uh, no, I've got a lot of work
to do.

Hmm, this is of no consequence.

I do hope
that you have a relaxing stay.

SNEEZE

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello. You must be Iris. Yeah.

Come in, come in.

You, uh...

You found us all right, then? I did.

Ooh, very functional, innit?

Where do you want me?

Oh, um, anywhere.
Just make yourself comfortable.

So it's, uh, 20 for a hand job,
50 for oral

and 500 if you wanna lie
under a glass coffee table

whilst I take a dump on it.

Oh. No, that's not...

I-I-I'm sorry, I think
there's been some confusion.

I'm just kidding with ya.
Helps to break the ice.

I know why I'm here.

Um, can I make you a cup of tea?

No, thank you.
You know that half of hotel kettles

been used for boil-washing
underwear?

No, really? Oh, yeah.

And the other half's been used
for peeing in. Jesus.

Thought the element
looked a bit green.

Well...

I can offer you a Lotus biscuit.

They are in date.

Oh, no, thank you.
Let's get on with it, shall we?

You are paying by the hour.

So, uh, I'm Felix, as you know.

I'm a data entry manager
by profession. Boring.

I've been with Brenda
for about six years now

and we have a little boy together,
Dylan, he's three.

About 18 months ago,

Bren wanted to get back
into the workplace.

Uh, her mum could look after Dylan.

So she started at a PR firm,

where she was quickly head-hunted,
and now...

You think she's having an affair.

I was building to that,
but, uh, yes.

She travels a lot with her job,

and it's all highly confidential,

so she can't really talk
about it at home and...

..she's been increasingly secretive.

Well, doesn't mean
she's cheating on you.

She might just take her job
seriously.

Some women do that, you know.

Oh, of course.

And I-I may be wrong,
I hope I am, but, uh...

..I just can't rest until I know.

And she's meeting this client
over the road?

Yeah, yeah.
He...he's booked a suite.

How do you know?

I can access her online calendar.

Now...

..I'm sure the office
explained to you,

but we can't guarantee
100% accuracy.

Depends where they position
themselves, obviously.

About a third of lip shapes
are visible on the mouth.

Others are inferred
by movements of the neck,

jaw, chin, even the eyes.

Then there's the context
to be taken into consideration,

which is why you need
an expert lip reader.

You come highly recommended.
Hmm, glad to hear it.

Of course, she may be doing
other things with her lips

which you don't want me
to describe to you,

but it'll all be in the report.

I understand.

And that's fine.

Please, don't hold back for my sake.

Oh, I won't.

Right, let's see what we can do.

You might wanna make notes, Felix.

Once I get going,
it can be quite quick.

OK, yeah, good idea.

Visibility's good for now.

Have to keep an eye
on that reflection on the glass.

Typically, we work from CCTV
or video

so we can zoom in on the subjects.

Live reading's always trickier.

So, uh, what kind of stuff
do you normally do?

Trial work.

Forensic speech reading.

Sometimes the tabloids get in touch

if they wanna make out
an exchange for a story.

Must be interesting. It is.

Oh, hang on,
and there's movement.

We've got two men in dark suits

followed by a woman
who could be your wife.

She's wearing a sort of
teal-green top, is that right?

Yeah, yeah, I saw she had that on
this morning.

Yeah, I bought it for her, actually,

couple of birthdays ago.

Dorothy Perkins.

"Is he here?"

I dunno, you're the one
with the binoculars.

No, that's what she's saying.

Um, "Two flat whites
and a piano something."

Pain au chocolat, she loves those.

Right, yeah, that's probably it.

Uh, the men in suits are leaving.

There's another man coming in.

Six-foot one, slim,

olive skin,

lovely thick hair.

Wow, he's gorgeous.

Is that...? Yeah.

Yes, it is.

Dimitri Novak.

Lawyer, political agitator,
human rights activist,

all-round do-gooder.

Yeah, I think I've read about him.

He's hot.

Well, my wife thinks
the sun shines out of his arse,

so, yeah, he probably is.

I'm not being funny, Felix,
your wife has very good taste.

You talking about him or...

..me?

Both.

Though you are physically
very different.

SNIFFLES

Ooh, hang on,
she's coming towards the window.

"Do you want me
to close the blinds, Dimitri?"

Oh, God, no.

"I want to something it
in the dark."

What?

It's either look at it
or maybe suck on it.

But which?
That's pretty important!

I'm not sure,
she's turned her head.

He's taking his jacket off.

He says it's fine,
he doesn't mind either way.

Yeah, course he doesn't,
the cheating bastard.

Let me look. Wait.

Let me see.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Who's that?

That'll be the hotel manager. sh*t!

He said I'm not allowed people
in my room.

What do you mean, you're not
allowed people in your room?

You're not on a school trip.

He means women. Prostitutes.

Hmm, charming.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Just go in the wardrobe, please,
while I get rid of him.

No chance.

Wardrobe?
I'll wait in the bathroom.

OK, thanks. Lock the door.

Breakfast menu.

I noticed earlier
you didn't have one.

I'll just go and pop this on
the console for you.

We offer a full English
at 31.99,

plus a £7 tray charge
if you prefer in-room dining.

Uh, yes, that sounds
very reasonable.

Everything else in order?

You don't need any more...

..coat hangers?!

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Excellent.

I just need to check
your toilet roll situation.

Yeah, I was, um, gonna mention -

it seems to have locked itself
for some reason.

From the inside?

Yeah.

That's all right,
I can always go in the kettle.

No need.

I have the key of the skeleton
for such emergencies.

RAISING VOICE: Oh, you're just
going to let yourself in, are you?

All good?

Ja, splendid.

Shampoo and body wash
all at satisfactory levels.

So, I will let you get on
with your work, Mr Huge.

Just so you know,

we will be performing
a full fire drill at 3.15.

We will be asking all guests

to make their way
to the rear car park.

That's fine.

There will be a roll call
of all guests,

so everyone will be accounted for.

Thank you.

Readers' Wives!
How analogue of you.

Plenty of bush on display,
very retro.

It's not mine.

Pubes are like cargo pants -

hang on to them long enough,
they'll come back into fashion.

Honestly, I-I found it pushed down
the side of the mattress.

Don't worry,
I won't say anything.

My lips are sealed.

Mr Muller seems like
quite a character.

Why's he so suspicious of you,
do you think?

You seem pretty normal-looking
to me.

Oh, I dunno,
I think he's just uptight.

You get the impression
he'd rather run a hotel

without any guests in it.

Yeah, like a bus driver

who hates having to pick up
the passengers. Yeah!

Or maybe just gets his kicks
out of spying on people.

Speaking of which... Oh, yeah.

So are the blinds closed or open?

Open, thank goodness.

You'll be pleased to hear
the only thing she's gobbling

is that pain au chocolat.

God, this is awful.

Ugh! It's like having
open-heart surgery

with no anaesthetic.

Oh, don't be so squeamish.

Says someone who's obviously
never been in love.

Dimitri's going to the bathroom.

Can I ask...

..are you married, Iris?

Me? No.

I'm self-partnered, as they say.

Single as a dollar
and not looking for change.

And are you happy with that?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Really cool with it.

Don't miss men at all.

Not at all.

INHALES SHARPLY

I'm really happy.

Sorry, what?

I didn't say anything.

Well, I mean, I might like
to meet someone eventually.

But, for now,
I don't need another half

because I am a whole.

I mean with a W, not as in...

An empty abyss.

SIGHS

He's back.

She's turned away from me now,

but he's asking about a schedule.

"Where are we with
Andrew Marr's people?

"Is it confirmed?"

What's that about?

Uh, Bren's his press secretary,
that's what she does.

She's shaking her head.

"We need confirmation on that -
it's important."

How's his body language?

Well, he's getting agitated,
she's trying to calm him down.

What, is she touching him?
She's leaning forward.

I can't see what she's saying,

but it strikes me
as a very close relationship.

You often get that
with press agents -

they have to be flirtatious

to coerce people
into doing their bidding.

Ooh, hang on,
she's going for her phone.

"I need to call...Max."

Max?

She doesn't know anyone called Max.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

"It's me."

Hi.

"Did you call me last night?"

No, I-I-I don't think so.

"I had another missed call,
number withheld."

No, I-I, well, I-I-I was out
last night with...my friends.

"I just wanted to remind you
about this weekend."

No, no, no, look,

we don't have to discuss that now.

"You can pick Dylan up
from my mum's.

"Don't forget his...mini pyjamas?"

Minion pyjamas.
No, I won't.

Listen, we can talk about this
another time, yeah?

Why don't we grab lunch
or something?

"Felix, no.
I don't wanna see you.

"When will you understand
it's over?"

TEARFULLY: Brenda, please.

"I have to tell you -

"I've filed
for a restraining order.

"My lawyer says this is
borderline arse mount."

It's "harassment",

and you don't have
to keep repeating everything,

I can hear!

"Who are you talking to?

"Is somebody there?"

No.

No, it was just the TV.
I'm here on my own.

"I wish you'd meet somebody, Felix,
I really do.

"You deserve a penis."

Happiness.

I was happy.

Listen, I'll call you back later.

Just stay away from
that f*cking lawyer, please.

Please! We can sort this.

I just need to see you.

She hung up.

What's she saying?

Uh...

"Sorry about that, he's insane."

Dimitri's nodding.

He's moving towards her...
Yeah, all right, stop it now.

He's putting his arm around her.

I said stop it.
"Let me help you."

That's enough!

This was a mistake.

So it wasn't Max, it was "my ex".

I think I should probably go.

Where's my bag?

I'm sorry.

How long have you been divorced?

We were never actually married.

Bren and I separated
eight months ago.

She swore there was nobody else,
but I didn't believe her.

And I just couldn't cope.

I got more and more depressed.

I spent hours online on Dad Chat.

What's that?

Well, it's like Mumsnet,

but with sad men
rather than competitive women.

SIGHS

And one of the posts
on the forum said

that I was living in limbo and...

..they recommended your company.

He said I should find out for sure
if she was seeing somebody else.

Why?

Because, if she's not...

If she's not,
then I still have a chance.

You also have a restraining order.

I know it sounds mad, but...

..love is mad, isn't it?

Sorry, I forgot -

you don't know anything about that.

IRIS CHUCKLES SOFTLY

I do know that you don't
have to demean yourself.

Maybe it is time for you to move on.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

It's all right,
I'll assume the position.

Need a pee, anyway.

Oh, thank you, I'm so sorry.

What now?
I'm afraid we've had

another complaint about the noise.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Raised voices, items being
thrown against the walls.

Yeah, I couldn't work
the trouser press

and I got frustrated.

We don't have the trouser press.

Although we are hoping
to roll them out

in a bid to win a fourth star.

Four stars?
You're joking, aren't you?

Been in bus shelters
more comfortable than this.

Well, irregardless...

That's not a word.
It is, actually.

Irregardless, the gentleman
next door would appreciate it

if you could keep the noise down.

He's made several complaints
already.

Yeah, well, I'll be gone
in half an hour,

so it'll be quiet then,

and you can clean up
all the bodily fluids

I've been spraying everywhere.
Wait, what?!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Well, that told him!

Arsehole.

You can come out now.

I'll be two minutes.

No lingering by the door, please,
I know your type.

Yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

INHALES
PHONE BEEPS

Why do they bother folding
the end of the toilet paper

into a V-shape, do you think?

TOILET FLUSHES

Uh, dunno!

Trying to show they've cleaned it,
I suppose.

Hmm.

Guilt-trip you into leaving a tip.

DOOR OPENS

SIGHS

Listen, I've been thinking.

You're the client,

your personal circumstance
is none of my business, so...

Let's just carry on, shall we?

That's very kind of you.

Oh, right-hand lens
is a bit cracked,

but it should be all right.

I'm happy to pay for any damage.

Oh, it looks like they're going
through something on his laptop.

They're sitting side by side...

He's saying,
"This has been in the making

"for over three years.

"People are gonna be very shocked."

So, how did you end up
being assigned to me?

Ah, that's just random,
through head office.

I just happened to be free,
that's all.

Why?

No reason.

And you don't have any qualms

about prying into
other people's lives?

You're the one who hired me,
remember, Felix?

How did you know his name
was Muller?

Sorry?

The hotel manager.

You said
you'd never been here before.

How did you know his name?

You must've mentioned it.

I didn't.

Then I dunno.

So what about this?

Is it hot in here?

Shall I open a window?

Is there a minibar?
I could do with a drink.

Please, just be honest with me.

So...

..the security around
Dimitri Novak's been stepped up

in recent months due to
his high-profile campaigns.

He's had a lot of abuse.

Online death threats.

His team were concerned
about your erratic behaviour

as Brenda's ex,

so they drafted me in
to monitor your conversations

and make sure
you weren't an active thr*at.

You've been stalking me? No.

No, they sent me
these recordings to transcribe.

But spending all that time
observing you, I...

..I felt like I understood you.

Brenda couldn't see it, but I could.

You're right, Felix, love is mad.

It makes you do crazy things.

I felt like I had to reach out
to you somehow.

Wait. That was you on Dad Chat?

Pfft...

TiredTerry66?

Yeah.

I just wanted to meet you
face to face IRL.

I thought maybe...

..it might help you
see past Brenda and, uh...

..consider somebody else.

Anyway...

..now you know.

Can I have my thumb drive back,
please?

You won't be charged
for this session.

I'll just tell the office
you never showed up.

For what it's worth,
I don't think

Brenda and Dimitri
are having an affair.

I may have made it
seem that way so that...

Well, I'm sorry.

I wish you all the best
with getting her back.

Goodbye, Felix.

Iris!

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Agh!

BOTH LAUGH

THUD

Oh!

What are you doing?

Oh...

Now look what you've made me do.

Is there a hairdryer?

No, leave it.

It's a sh*thole anyway.

Open the curtains, would you?
I can't see a bloody thing.

g*nsh*t

What the f*ck was that?
What?

WOMAN SCREAMS

He's been sh*t! What?!

ALARM BLARES

Dimitri! He's been sh*t!

Someone just sh*t him!

Here!

Brenda!

Brenda!

Now. What?

g*nsh*t

ALARM CONTINUES

ALARM STOPS

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCKING INTENSIFIES

SIRENS BLARE

KNOCKING CONTINUES

NEWS REPORTS: We're getting reports
of a sh**ting in central London.

The victim is said to
be Dimitri Novak,

the prominent
anti-government campaigner...

Novak was believed to be working
on a major announcement,

set to cause shockwaves
throughout Westminster...

The gunman has been named
as Felix Hughes,

an embittered former partner
of Novak's press secretary,
Brenda Doyle...

He was last seen
by several eyewitnesses

waving a g*n
and shouting his wife's name

before being sh*t by armed police.

MULLER: He seemed very agitated.

I also noticed he had been drinking,

which is never a good sign.

The m*rder of Dimitri Novak
is a tragedy -

there's no doubt about that.

But, as this inquest has proven,

the person responsible
was acting alone

and clearly from
a very personal agenda.

Let's...let's be very clear -

any conspiracy theories
linking this government

to Mr Novak's death

are quite frankly preposterous.

Thank you.