02x04 - Pants on Fire

[bunniefuu]

[MS.

WHITAKER]

"And even though it was way, way too short, it's an accomplishment that will stay with me forever.

" No.

- What?

- Sam, you can't write your college essay about seeing an exotic dancer's boobies.

Why not?

They asked about my greatest accomplishments.

That's one of my greatest accomplishments.

You say you don't do any extracurriculars because they're too crowded, and you opted out of PE because the mesh shorts ride up your butt.

Why?

Because it's true.

Okay, well, in this case, true is less important than appropriate.

Okay?

They just wanna hear about you, Sam.

Who you are, what makes you tick.

What about your autism?

What about it?

Well, why don't you write about that?

I mean, you get good grades, you've had the same job for over a year.

Those are major accomplishments for anyone with ASD.

I mean, half the neurotypicals I know can't even do that.

You're a real success story, Sam.

[BIRDS TWEETING]

No.

- No?

- Autism isn't an accomplishment.

It's something I was born with.

You wouldn't write an essay about having ten fingers and ten toes, would you?

No, because that would be really, really, really, really dumb.

So I'll stick with the boobs.

Take another cr*ck at it, buddy.

Take another cr*ck at it?

What does that even mean?

This is crazy.

I don't know how to do this.

So now I have to redo my entire essay even though all I ever did - So how am I supposed to change that?

- Let me see.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Yeah, this is garbage.

It's fun, but it's garbage.

What?

Why?

You're being too honest.

You gotta tell 'em what they want to hear.

You gotta lie, dude.

I can't lie.

I'm bad at it and I don't like it.

What's the point?

Well, Imagine if you didn't like your boss at work.

I do.

I like Bob.

I know, that's why I said "imagine.

" If you lie and pretend that you like them, you're fine.

But if you tell them the truth, you get fired, you can't afford food, and you get shanked for cutting in line at the soup kitchen.

And then you die.

- Huh! That does make sense.

- Sometimes you have to lie to get by.

Oh, like how a polar bear cub will cover its black nose to blend in with the snow when it's trying to hunt a seal.

Yeah, sure.

What I'm saying is that lying is an important survival skill, like using a flint to light a fire.

- I can't do that either.

- Oh, dude, it's not that hard.

- Really?

- I don't know.

It was a lie.

- Do you see how easy that was?

- Yes.

You're really good at lying.

I learned everything I know from the Dark Lord herself.

Mom.

- Sam.

Are you okay?

- Yep.

I need to learn how to lie, and you're the biggest liar I know.

[MOTOR HUMS]

I just can't believe Ms.

Whitaker would tell you to lie on your college essay.

She didn't.

It was actually Casey who had the excellent idea.

Oh, of course it was.

Um, look, sweetie, regardless of your sister's terrible advice, it is never okay to lie.

Lies tend to snowball and one leads to another and before you know it, you are so deep in a hole, it's almost impossible to dig yourself back out.

Okay.

Number one: the idea of digging yourself out of a hole is ridiculous.

The more you dig, the deeper you get.

Yeah.

You're right.

How did that ever become an expression?

And number two: you're a good liar.

I mean, you lie all the time.

Your whole life was a lie when you were cheating on Dad.

Sweetie, I [WHIMPERING SOFTLY]

I'm not proud of my behavior.

And I just hope that you'll learn from my mistakes, and that you'll be a better person than I've been.

Yes, of course, that's obvious.

But that's unhelpful to me now.

Okay.

Bye.

[PHONE BUZZES]

- Hey.

- [EVAN]

Casey! What's up?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I've just been doing precalc for the last 75 hours.

But other than that, I'm good.

Why?

I mean, you were really drunk.

You're not mad at me for telling your mom, are you?

- I didn't know what to do.

- No, I get it.

If you call my mom, I'll k*ll you.

If you call my dad, he'll k*ll you.

Yeah.

Your dad is in the medical field, so it'd be very easy for him to dispose of a body.

[CASEY CHUCKLES]

- You didn't get in trouble, did you?

- Technically, I'm grounded.

But my mom doesn't live here anymore and my dad doesn't know about it, so I think I'm just gonna fly under the radar until the next family crisis, - which shouldn't be too long.

- [EVAN LAUGHS]

So I was looking at my phone, and it looks like you took a few selfies the other night.

I did?

- Oh, I did! You have to delete those.

- I already did.

But they will always be in my brain.

Oh, my God.

It's all coming back to me now.

[EVAN LAUGHS]

I'm sorry, but I will never be able to look you in the eyes again.

[CHUCKLES]

- [EVAN LAUGHS]

- I love you, but this is goodbye forever.

Such a bummer.

I was hoping you'd sing those camp songs to me again really loud.

Oh, my God, stop.

Camp Three Pines You'll always be mine No! [SIGHS]

I folded your shirts, but I'm not touching the under stuff.

Okay?

If it's lacy, it's Casey.

- I just made that up.

- Thanks.

[PANTS]

Okay.

Hey, Dad.

You okay?

You seem tired.

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm fine.

[PANTS]

Okay.

So, Sam called me a liar.

And the thing is, he's not wrong.

I do tell some whoppers.

In fact, I'm pretty sure growing up I was encouraged to lie.

You know, to be polite when I was actually uncomfortable.

To not say what I was actually thinking.

So it's ironic, then, that I have a son who says what he's thinking.

And who has practically no ability to be fake.

Um And it's inspiring.

I don't know if I could go a day without lying and that's really sad because um lying ruined my life.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

So I guess what I'm saying is I'm going to try and be more like Sam.

[WOMAN]

Nice.

Um [BREATHES DEEPLY]

Marguerite, you burnt the brownies.

[HEART b*ating]

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

And there's your baby.

- See that little flicker there?

- Yeah.

That's the heartbeat.

Nice and strong.

Great.

Really great.

- Would you like to know the gender?

- [SHOUTS]

Hell no! I'm so sorry.

- There's no need to apologize.

- I'm usually not a yeller.

It's okay.

I'm just having a hard time getting my head around this.

My friend and my ex think that I'm in denial because I won't buy maternity clothes, and I haven't told my parents yet.

But, really, I think I just can't focus because my life is blowing up, and I was mean to a patient, which means I suck at my job, which is really my whole identity.

So [LAUGHS AND EXHALES]

[BREATHES IN]

I'm just feeling a little lost.

In general, would you say you've been more emotional lately?

[WHIMPERS]

No.

[SNIFFS]

I'm sorry.

[BREATHES IN]

Maybe a little.

- Is that bad?

- No.

No, it's completely normal.

The hormones make you crazy.

Oh, my God.

You're right.

I mean, that could explain why I yelled at my patient.

That thought never occurred to me.

Tell you what.

I'm going to put the ultrasound photo and gender info in an envelope for you.

That way if you get home and decide you want to meet your kid, you have everything you need.

Sound good?

You're gonna love these headphones.

No need to thank me for the discount.

- I need to talk.

- Totally on me.

Any questions at all, come please find me.

I am your guy.

Name's Zahid.

Starts with a Z, ends with a beautiful friendship?

I wrote my Insta handle on that receipt.

It's brownsugardoingit.

Hit me up.

[CUSTOMERS CHATTERING]

- Yes, Samuel?

- I don't know how to lie.

You've come to the right place.

How can I be of service?

Lying is a crucial life skill, but the biggest liar I know won't teach me.

Wrong.

Yes, he will.

Lying takes practice, homie.

That's why I try to tell one doozy in every room I walk into.

Did you tell one in this room?

I called that short guy over there Stretch.

Lucky for you, I have developed a foolproof lying strategy.

I call it the Pants on Fire technique, or POF for short.

Ready?

- Yes.

- "P," praise.

Start every lie with a compliment.

Something about their personality, or their appearance, or their sharp new suspenders.

- What if they're not wearing suspenders?

- Any accessory will do.

People are desperate for validation.

Next, "O," as in "obviously.

" If they're skeptical of your lie, simply repeat the word "obviously.

" - How many times?

- I play it by ear.

But, I like to vary my tones.

Finally, "F," for "flee the scene.

" Lying invites follow-up questions, and follow-up questions k*ll lies, but you can't follow up with a man who isn't there.

Observe.

Hey, Bob.

I need tomorrow off.

I have a dentist appointment.

- Again?

I don't know, Zahid.

- If you don't want me to go, I won't.

What you think of me really matters.

You're kind of like my role model.

Also, sweet giraffe tie.

Thanks.

It's my spirit animal.

Okay.

Well if I let you go you understand, it's just this once because it's an emergency, right?

Obviously! Obviously.

- Obvi.

- Okay, then I guess Bye.

See you later, buddy.

I was skeptical, but that was very impressive.

I know.

And I threw in an extra tip for you.

Call him "buddy," works every time.

'Cause who would lie to their buddy?

I see the wisdom of the Pants on Fire technique, but I wouldn't know where to start.

That's easy.

Start by lying to your ex, because, so what?

Can't dump you again.

Can't be tried for the same crime twice.

No double jeopardy allowed.

I do like an established legal precedent.

Samesies.

You're gonna be just fine, my guy.

Easy frickin' peasy.

- Hi, Paige.

- Hey, Sam.

I'm making a visual presentation to pitch my senior gift idea to the PTA.

- [DING]

- What's up?

Paige, I love your giant hair bow.

Really?

You always hated this hair bow.

[PAPER CUTTER WHOOSHES]

I see what's happening.

You want to get back together.

And you know, Sam, it's just not our time.

- - Obviously.

Good, so you agree.

Obviously.

Yeah, I mean you seem sure about that.

Like, really sure.

Um Are you Are you seeing someone else?

Obviously.

Really?

Good, great.

[ANGRILY]

I am so happy to hear that.

So just to be clear, you're saying you're being sexual with someone else.

- Obviously.

- Okay.

Bye.

See you later, buddy.

Good, yeah.

- That's just That's wonderful.

- That is wonderful.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

[PAPER CUTTER WHOOSHES, THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY]

[SCREAMING]

[PANTS]

Holy sh*t.

Peg, you just cut your finger off.

[SHOUTS]

My name is Paige! - [WHIMPERS AND FAINTS]

- [THUMPS ON FLOOR]

[STUDENTS MURMUR]

[COUGHS]

sh*t! Paige cut her finger off?

- Just the tip.

- Damn.

It was terrible.

Lying is awful.

Hey, now, let's not get hysterical.

Alright?

I mean, finger loss is an abnormal result of lying.

I mean, you just gotta get back on that horse, and lie till the cows come home.

Sorry, there's a farm scene on my milk carton.

Doesn't this cow look sad?

- It does look a little bit sad.

- Yeah.

- [INHALES SMOKE]

- [DOOR OPENS]

Zahid, I see you with that pot.

[ZAHID]

sh*t.

Oh, hey, Bob, looking lean, sexy, sinewy.

- What's up?

- Nice try, pal.

That's the second time in a month.

That's strike two.

Next is strike three, and then you're out.

Or hit a home run and have sex.

You don't know the bases?

I'm really disappointed in you, Zahid.

You're a natural leader.

I see so much potential in you.

Why do you keep messing around?

- Low self-esteem maybe?

- We all have low self-esteem.

If I catch you doing this junk again you're out of here.

- Are we clear?

- We're clear.

- Man, what a d*ck.

- I like him.

Yeah, I know, me too.

He's just doing his job.

Good guy.

- [KIDS HUMMING]

- Hey, Eddie?

Good.

- [WHISPERING]

This place is amazing.

- Nice spin, honey.

They have so many classes for kids on the spectrum.

Yeah.

Yep, and I've got two of them, so I'm here all the time.

[WHISPERS]

Hey, ladies.

Tell me the truth.

How bad is Marco's haircut?

He wouldn't sit still in the chair.

- That's not so bad.

- No, I think it's really cute.

I think it's one of the worst haircuts I've ever seen.

[WHISPERS]

Wow, brutal.

No, no judgment.

When Sam was little I could never get him to sit still in the chair.

I used to have to do all of his cuts at home.

Sometimes it would take all day.

One time, he fell asleep mid-trim.

So I just got down there on the floor and finished.

Oh, my God.

Do you still cut hair for kids on the spectrum?

Because if you do I know a lot of mamas that would be interested.

- I mean, myself included.

- I mean, I do cut hair, but not You know what?

Yeah, sure, I'll cut your son's hair.

Great.

How much do you charge?

- Oh, no, I'm not gonna - Thirty-five bucks.

Oh, my God.

That's perfect.

Remind me to get your number before I leave today.

- Okay?

- Okay, I will.

See how I set your price?

I'm like your haircutting pimp.

Any of these moms get rowdy, I'm gonna bust some skulls.

normally, I don't prepare it that way, but right now I'm gonna let the beef Aren't you supposed to be working on your college essay?

No, I can't, I hate that essay.

Now, be quiet.

- [DOOR UNLOCKS]

- Fine.

[HUFFS]

Pizza again?

That's the third time this week.

He's in a mood.

Well, if you feel like learning to cook, you're welcome to take up the mantle of feeding the family.

- No, thank you.

- Well, then, pizza is served.

[MOBILE PHONE BUZZES]

- [TYPING]

- [HUFFS]

[SIGHS]

[PENGUINS SQUAWK]

- [TYPING]

- [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God.

Ugh! [SHOUTS]

Quiet! The penguins! - Sam Gardner is in a soundproof booth! - Stop! [PHONE CHIMES]

- [SAM]

Just stop.

- [CASEY]

Stop! What's up?

[ELSA]

Hey, I've been meaning to call you.

I just wanted to let you know that Casey's grounded.

So if you could just enforce that at home, that would be great.

Grounded?

What happened?

I can't tell you.

I'm sorry.

I'm really trying to be more forthcoming lately, but I promised her.

So, can you just take my word for it?

Oh, okay.

You want me to trust you?

Yes?

Is that a joke?

No.

Okay, well, in the past, trusting you hasn't worked out so well.

I gotta go.

[BREATHS DEEPLY]

Jesus.

[CONTINUES BREATHING DEEPLY]

[HEART BEATS LOUDLY]

Dad! What happened?

Oh, my God! - Dad, are you okay?

- I'm fine.

I'm fine.

- Are you sure?

- I'm good.

- Feels like something's going on.

- No, I just dropped the milk.

Um, yeah.

Here.

- Here, let me do that.

- It's okay.

It's okay.

It's just - It's okay.

- Jeez, it's a mess.

Here.

Elsa.

Julia, hi.

Oh, this is my brother, Jesse.

- Jess, want to say hi?

- No, I do not.

Okay.

I'll meet you there in a sec.

Okay, Jess?

We're here for speech therapy on the second floor.

Anyway - just wanted to say hi.

- Hi.

[EXHALES]

Elsa, I'm pregnant.

Sorry, I don't know why I told you that.

Actually, I do, um I think it might be why I lashed out at Sam.

Or maybe I'm just looking for a reason.

Anyway, I just [EXHALES]

I just wish I could take it all back.

You know, I know I didn't always make things easy for you, but you were really good for Sam.

You really helped him.

Thank you.

It's the truth.

And being a mom, it's the best.

[LAUGHS]

Congratulations, honey.

Thank you.

I should go.

- Okay.

- Of course.

- Yeah.

Good to see you.

- You too.

[LIGHTER SNAPS]

- What's up with Paige's finger?

- They sewed it back on, she's fine.

That's too bad.

It would have been so fun to leave it around and just see what people say.

Yep.

Dang it, Zahid.

That's strike three.

It's time to drop the hammer.

Huh?

- You're fired.

You left me no choice.

- What?

You can't do that.

Please, Bob.

Bob, wait, that's my marijuana.

Also, nice shoes.

Sam, you use marijuana?

Like, for your autism?

Obviously.

Obviously.

- Obvi.

- I find that very hard to believe.

- Bye.

See you later, buddy.

- Okay, hang on.

I wasn't aware.

So, just not on Techtropolis property, okay?

- Okay.

- [EXHALES SOFTLY]

Okay.

I'm still watching you, Zahid.

Hey, with a face this pretty, who can blame you?

Dude, you did it! You used the Pants on Fire technique and it worked.

I mean, you're the king.

Thanks, but I didn't like lying to Bob.

But I'm glad you get to keep your job.

So, it's a bad feeling, but a good feeling, too.

That's how you know you're doing it right.

I could hug you, you magnificent bastard.

Maybe just a small one.

I like that we're secure enough to do this semi-regularly.

I'm neutral about it.

Zahid, I think your pants are on fire.

Oh, sh*t! Aah, aah! Ow! Take a video, take a video! [TREMBLING VOICE]

Hurry, I can feel the burn.

Horizontal, horizontal.

- Should I AirDrop it to you?

- 'Sup?

I don't know, man.

[IN PAIN]

Ow, ow, ow! [PANTS]

Hi, Casey.

Casey.

Casey.

Hey, Casey.

Where'd you go?

- You were here two seconds ago.

- I'm not here right now.

All I see is this nose.

Guess I better mess with it.

- Boop, boop, boop.

- [BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, you're letting this go on a little bit longer than I expected.

You're never gonna see my face again.

This is going to be our relationship now.

Okay?

I hope that you can still love me.

Look, I get it.

You're embarrassed.

You're a very sloppy drunk, and a little bit aggressive, but it's annoying that you're avoiding me.

So I decided to level the playing field by showing you my deepest, darkest secret.

Come on.

- I'm intrigued.

- Come on.

[EXHALES]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, no.

[EXCLAIMS]

Oh, my God, is that you?

[MAN]

At American Chop Suey, you'll learn strength.

Discipline.

Commitment.

Awaken your inner cobra.

- This is the best thing I've ever seen.

- Yeah.

I think my mom was sleeping with Sensei, so I got free lessons.

A lot of them, like, a couple years' worth.

The kick.

You're good.

The point is, everyone has embarrassing stuff.

So, no need to hide yours away from me, okay?

Maybe.

Did I do the dance that goes with the camp song?

- That's the next video.

- No, no.

- Just swipe.

- Maybe more karate.

Watch this! - Or we could watch this one again.

- Come here.

Camp Three Pines, you'll always - [BOTH LAUGHING]

- Please stop! [SAM]

I'm bad at a lot of stuff.

Being around other people, wearing hats, and especially lying.

Which is funny, 'cause people lie to me all the time.

They think because of my autism I can't handle things.

[DOOR OPENS]

Knock, knock.

I am looking for two hungry teenagers.

Hey, who's ready to go out for some pizza?

They had pizza yesterday.

Okay, well, they can have it two nights in a row, right?

Yeah, sure, let's just say it was two.

Why are you so happy?

'Cause I had a good day.

I wasn't being honest in my life before.

[EXHALES]

And I'm really trying now.

Good for you, Elsa.

Thanks.

It feels good, it feels like I'm finally getting back to my authentic self.

You know?

Back to who I really am.

[CLAPS HANDS, DRUMS FINGERS]

You want to be honest now?

You?

The person that threw a grenade into our lives with all your lying and bullshit?

You want to be honest?

And talk about authenticity?

Well, I What?

[ELSA BREATHING DEEPLY]

- Well, I have some questions for you.

- Sure.

You and the bartender Who made the first move?

What?

You heard me.

Come on, be honest.

You want to be honest, right?

How did that happen?

I don't know.

You don't know?

[SAM]

Most people I know are really good at lying.

They're so good at it, they even lie to themselves.

[EXHALES]

[SNIFFS]

[CRIES SOFTLY]

Hi, Mom, it's me.

I have some news.

[SNIFFS]

I'm not engaged.

It's better than that.

[SAM]

But there's one person who always treats me normal and always tells me the truth.

My friend, Zahid.

Zahid has lots of theories.

Theories about lying, and girls, and the best way to make mac and cheese.

It's four times as much butter as you would think, three times as much cheese and half the pasta.

It is so delicious.

You should try it.

[SAM]

One of his theories is that people with autism are actually the normal ones, because we see the world as it really is.

Was it the guy that I met when I went to get your credit card?

Yes.

[DOUG]

Mm-hmm.

Handsome guy.

And do you still think about him?

Yes.

[SAM]

It's only neurotypicals who put an extra layer of meaning on top of what's actually there so it makes sense to them.

Zahid's no scientist, even though " he has a sign above his bedroom door that says 'Love Lab, ' but when I think about our friendship, I don't see an autistic guy who's friends with a neurotypical guy.

I just see two friends.

And for me, that is an accomplishment.

" It's good, Sam.

It's really good.

Thanks.

It was easy.

Buddy.

["BREAK APART" BY BONOBO PLAYS]

So, I'm starting to get a little skeptical of this Izzie girl.

- Why?

- Well, you know, for starters, she gets you drunk at school.

And, then, I've never met her.

I've never even seen the two of you together.

So I'm starting to think that maybe it's like your drunken alter ego or something.

[CHUCKLES]

Like in Fight Club.

Spoiler alert! - But that's been out your whole life.

- It's rated R.

- Hey, Mr.

Gardner.

- I'm not old enough.

Dad, you gotta see this video of Evan doing karate.

He's a purple belt.

[BREATHES INTENSELY]

[HEART POUNDING]

Dad?

Dad! Dad, oh, my God, are you okay?

Dad! Call 911.

Dad?

Dad! Instead of something to break apart Instead, it's just broke apart Stand up and shake this heart Instead, it's just A break apart from us I should've heard your fear Shame on me I should've heard your needs Shame on me