03x05 - Only Tweed

[bunniefuu]

Oh.

Hi, honey.

I heard the scritch scratch and thought we had a little mouse.

Quiet, I'm working.

A rude little mouse.

What you working on?

My Socratic seminar for ethics class.

Sounds fancy.

What's a Socratic seminar?

We read an article and come up with talking points, which is what I'm trying to do right now, and then we discuss.

Participation is mandatory.

So, it's a conversation?

No, it's a Socratic seminar.

Sounds like a conversation.

- Okay, but it's a Socratic seminar.

- Okay.

Well, whatever you call it, I'm thinking steel cut oats, brain food.

You call it a Socratic seminar.

Got it.

Socratic seminar.

Casey, you up?

sh*t.

We fell asleep.

Uh, one second, Dad, I got a boob out! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, hey, Casey, can you tell your dad that I can do the ride-along today?

If you're still alive.

Go.

- Hey.

- Hey, I'm leaving in ten minutes if you want a ride to practice.

Yeah, okay, cool, cool.

- What's going on?

- Nothing.

Nothing.

Hey, Dad, Evan told me he could do the ride along today Yesterday, well, he told me yesterday.

All right, well, it's at 3:00.

And if he likes it, I could set him up with a good training program, 'cause you gotta be ready for those certification tests - Mm-hmm.

- especially the written one.

- It's a k*ller.

- Okay, I will tell him text him.

- I'll let him know.

Sorry.

- Okay.

Oh, God.

I didn't know there was a test.

If my dad can do it, you'll be fine.

Now the real test: can you jump out of a very high window?

How long have you been doing this?

Since 3:49 a.

m.

You have to eat, honey.

I just need to do well on this.

There are eight of these, and they make up a big part of our grade.

And in high school, there were tests and papers, and I know how to do those, but I've never done this, so I need to be prepared.

Well, based on this scroll, I'd say you are.

It's not a scroll.

Good morning, family.

- Hey, hey! - Hey! Hear ye, hear ye, I formally pronounce you all lame! Casey, give your brother his scroll back.

It's not a scroll.

- Case, do you want some steel cut oats?

- Steel cut oats! - This is prison food, Mother.

- What?

This is going right in the trash where it belongs.

We are not gonna be allowed to have this at our house.

Watch.

Watch me, I'll do it! I'll do it! - Casey.

Are you possessed?

- What are you doing?

Right in the trash.

- Grow up.

Put the oatmeal back.

- Knock it off.

- Straight in the trash! - Put the oatmeal back.

- I'm gonna do it.

- Okay, honey, that's enough.

I changed my mind.

It smells delicious.

- I'd love a bowl with extra cinnamon.

- A real comedian today.

Thank you.

You can do this.

You can do this.

You can do this.

You can do this.

Miss Hardaway, we're ready for you.

Go get 'em, Paige.

Did I throw that burrito?

Yes, I did.

And was it extra hot because I used the popcorn setting on accident?

Yes.

Yes, it was.

But before you shatter my dreams of being a Bowdoin polar bear, I ask you to consider what I went through.

What the dorm rat went through.

Now, being away from home is hard enough, but the other stuff, the name calling, the ostracizing the small chunks of cheese left on my doorstep Now, I may not have first-degree queso burns on my cheek, but I do have scars that you can't see, on my soul.

Okay, Miss Hardaway, we'll review your case with the dean and reach out when we've made a decision.

Oh.

I made you all little Rice Krispie treats in the shape of Bowdoin polar bears.

They're the gluten-free, so Thank you for your time.

Forward the white on through the fight Emblem of honor peerless and bright Welcome to your first Socratic seminar.

The rules are simple.

If you don't talk by the time that clocks says 10:25, you fail.

Your topic is artificial intelligence.

You should be talking by now.

Well, I think to know what the impact of artificial intelligence is in our society, we need to define what society needs.

AI won't k*ll us before climate change.

I heard surgeons can implant screens in people's bodies.

I talk to Siri more than I talk to my mom.

Nobody's going to be able to live if there's no planet to live on.

For all you know, I'm a robot.

Excuse me, I think I'm in the wrong class.

Is this Intro German?

You should be talking.

The world is so dead anyway.

Time.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Elsa.

What a surprise.

Hi.

I was just shopping.

Me too.

I just had my hair done.

Jeffrey's.

Every six weeks.

Well, you look good.

You as well.

How are the kids?

Good.

Sam just started college.

Casey got her driver's license.

Oh, my.

They grow up so fast.

Yeah, they sure do.

Well then, have a nice day.

- Bye, Mom.

- Bye.

- An F?

- Hi, Sam.

I worked so hard.

Look.

I had much better points than most of those other kids.

And you also had a much longer piece of paper.

I thought it would be easier than flipping through pages.

- Was it?

- Not at all.

Well, you have some really good points here, your royal majesty.

I know.

So I pass?

No.

You know the rules.

You talk or you fail.

You can try again next week.

But I've never gotten an F on anything before.

Except at my mom's summer school and her F stood for "funtastic.

" Well, she sounds like a delight.

Hang on a second, Sam.

She said I could write a paper instead, so I did that, and I handed it in.

Now I'm just waiting to see about my grade.

I'm sure I'll get an A.

Then why so blue, my boo?

Because I still failed the assignment.

And there's seven more, and I'll probably fail those so I'm doomed.

I'm sorry, Sam.

I wish I was there.

I could really use some us time, too.

Yeah, it's hard being apart.

Usually I don't mind that much because you're really distracting.

But right now it'd be nice.

Aww.

That is so sweet.

And so mean.

But I've got just the thing for you, Sam Gardner.

Stand up and go to your dresser.

And look in the top drawer.

And take out the blue whale shirt and put it on.

How did you know it would be clean?

Well, no one's getting anywhere betting against Elsa.

Do you feel better?

Yes.

Good.

That was step one.

Step two is we're having a dinner party.

That doesn't make me feel better.

Well, that one's for me.

But it'll be so fun.

We'll invite all of our friends, and we'll just be able to forget about all our pesky problems.

But you're in Maine.

What's a little distance in the face of true love?

I think it's still distance.

Wrong.

I'm in a can-do state of mind, Sam.

- You should really join me.

- What?

We're having a dinner party.

Should I invite Zahid?

He and Gretchen have already confirmed.

This is so exciting.

There you are.

What the heck happened with your boyfriend today?

What?

Wait, I've been doing hills and intervals.

Intervals on hills.

Do I still have legs?

Evan didn't show up for the ride-along.

- What?

- Yeah, maybe something came up, but I expected a call or something.

- That's weird.

- Yeah, and we were ready for him.

Chuck even wore his good pants.

Man, I'm sorry, Dad.

Something must have happened.

I'll check in with him.

- All right, do that.

- Yeah.

You're working hard.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

Damn.

Did you get Paige's e-vite?

Hello, brother.

Yes or no?

Yes and no.

Yes, I received it.

No, I will not be attending.

- Why not?

- Don't wanna.

Me neither, but Paige would really like you to go because for some reason, she considers you a friend, and she thinks it'll cheer me up to have you there.

Why do you need cheering up?

Because I failed my Socratic seminar, which means I'll probably fail college.

How is Paige hosting a dinner party if she's in Maine?

She'll be on the tablet.

Okay.

And that's just stupid enough to intrigue me.

I'm in.

Okay, good.

Now, for dress code, Paige was very specific.

No tweed.

Casey, no tweed! Oh, hey.

I'll be out of your hair in a sec.

It's best if I water them at night.

What, they sleep better?

I don't think anyone is sleeping great in this house ever since we found out we have a ghost.

Hey, the kids are having a dinner party tomorrow, and we are under strict orders to evacuate.

Oh, well - I have to work late anyway, so - Okay.

Good night.

Night.

Uh I ran into my mom today.

Hmm.

How'd that go?

Well, she derailed my run to Yankee Candle, but other than that we were polite.

Oh, well I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I really wanted a lavender candle.

Oh, my gosh, it looks amazing.

I can't believe I did all this.

You didn't.

I did.

You just bossed me around the whole time.

Usually the b-word would trigger me, but I'm gonna stay on task.

Mm-hmm.

What are are you looking at another screen right now?

Yes, and my professor still hasn't posted a grade on my paper.

Okay, well, that's the point of tonight, is just to leave all that stuff behind us.

We can forget about all the stressful things in our lives.

I mean, I'm totally fine, but I'm just here for you.

2 Hey, dorks.

Look what I found at the thrift store.

And I brought pie to make up for it.

Sam, I said no tweed.

Oh, my bad.

I thought you said only tweed.

We'll make it work.

Now, what time will Evan be arriving?

He's working, so Izzie's filling in.

- I'm her date.

- Oh.

Okay.

Tweed suits, new guests I mean, what's in the pie?

Dog poop?

That's the delivery guy! Ladies, please take the pies to the kitchen.

Sam, take me to the door so I can check the bags.

Uh-huh.

The look on Paige's face was well worth the $11, but I gotta say, this suit itches like a bitch.

And there's a spot on my back that I can't quite reach.

I can reach it.

So, weird that Evan didn't say anything about my dad, right?

Yeah, he was probably just embarrassed.

But he should have at least called.

Right?

Whatever.

Boys are dumb.

We don't need them.

Hmm.

Yeah, screw boys.

Thanks for being my date to this insane dinner.

- Yeah.

- What's insane about it?

Nothing.

All cool, robo-host.

- Is this cheering you up?

- No.

I'm happy.

Hello.

- Hey.

- Everyone, this is Gretchen.

We met at a dumpster.

She's my soul mate and my sole mate.

Same shoe size.

These are hers.

Nice to meet everyone.

Gretch, this is Casey.

If it helps you remember, I'm the one in tweed.

- I don't know this one.

- I'm Izzie.

She came with the suit.

Oh.

The robot is Paige.

Hi.

so meet you.

I think your girlfriend is buffering.

Our Wi-Fi doesn't reach the front door.

We don't typically stream guests in this area.

And the man himself, Samuel Gardner.

I have been hearing all about Zahid's best friend, the smartest person he knows, so I figured I'd scope out the competition.

Well, I failed my Socratic seminar so I can't be that smart.

- That's what I thought.

- Za-boom! She got ya! The Wi-Fi's better here.

Okay, well, that's enough chitchat.

Let's eat.

So, since we have a new guest, we should start with an icebreaker.

It's called Betty Boop Nope.

So, Gretchen, where are you from?

Near the Walmart.

But my mom's from Melbourne, so I'm half Australian.

- Hmm.

- Zahid hates Australians.

I don't hate this little koala, especially when she plays my didgeridoo.

Yuck.

Ha.

Didgeri-eww.

Oh-ho-ho! Lovely burn.

Gretchen thinks I use the word "dope" too much, so now when I'm about to say dope, I say "lovely" instead.

I just know you can do better.

That's it! My ethics professor has officially taken longer grading my paper than it took me to write it.

Who cares?

College is stupid.

It's just a big old waste of time and money.

What?

That's not true.

No one successful ever graduated college.

Plus, you can learn everything on YouTube these days.

She has me questioning everything.

Hey! Oh, God! Sorry, I was missing out.

Can someone pass the guacamole?

Joke.

It was a joke.

See?

I have my own.

Ugh! Now my lovely threads are all soaked.

Sam, can I borrow a shirt?

Sure, but I don't have anything in silk.

That's okay.

Gretchen taught me that silk comes from a worm's butthole.

- So I'm off the stuff.

- YouTube.

So, is it time for an icebreaker?

We could do this or that.

First one, toilet paper: over or under Is she always like this?

Yeah.

Why do you think I wanted you to come?

I really wanna know - what you guys think.

- Ooh, melty Brie! Brie and Mexican food, I love it.

Where'd that come from?

I have a cheese guy.

I just I really like cheese.

Here it is.

Statistics show that college graduates are 177 times more likely than high school grads to earn $4 million or more.

Is that what life is all about, earning money?

Kinda.

College just creates drones, cogs in the system, robots.

Must make money.

Must eat cheese.

I got it.

I want it.

College also helps with social skills as well as building the idea of a community.

Plus, college graduates are twice as likely to volunteer.

JCPenney never put a college educated model in their catalog.

Not even once.

Oh, well, I find that very hard to believe.

Sweet Gretchen, is there a reason you're antagonizing my brother?

We're just talking.

Casey, I have to pee.

Do you?

I am not taking you to the bathroom with me.

Come on.

Okay, this is what girls do.

All right, fine.

Don't eat my cheese.

Oh, I don't like her.

Oh, garbage girl?

The worst.

Grade A twat.

But Sam handles her well.

We have to do something.

We can't let her ruin this.

I mean, should we should we harm her?

Yeah, I'll hold her, you punch.

- So what do we do?

- I don't know.

Wait it out, make fun of her after.

But she's turning this dinner party into a garbage party.

We can't let that happen.

Why do you care?

You're not even actually here?

I just really, really need a win right now, okay?

- What's up with you?

- Nothing.

Sorry, I just I just don't like this girl.

The computer, the seat belt and fluoride toothpaste were all invented by college educated people.

Sure, but what about all the inventions by non-college educated people?

Fire, the wheel, loincloth.

My mom didn't go to college, and she invented the tampon gravity bong.

That was your mom?

- Yeah.

- Hey, guys.

Ooh, melty Brie! They call it learning, I call it brainwashing.

Fine, Gretchen.

You may think college is a waste of time And money.

And money.

But for me, it's something that I never thought I'd be able to do.

And now that I'm there, I don't feel like it's a waste of time.

I feel like I just don't wanna mess it all up.

Hey, Evan, this is Gretchen.

Hey.

What's up, Izzie?

This Brie is really good.

Evan.

Casey.

Casey! Is everything okay?

I mean, at least had the decency to show up.

What's that supposed to mean?

Evan, hey.

What's this look about?

Oh, I was just saying that I'm glad he bothered to come - instead of just standing us up.

- Izzie.

- What?

- You stood up her dad.

Wait, you told her that?

Well, yeah, she's my friend, and I was upset.

And you never told me what happened with my dad.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - I'm sorry.

- Oh, my God! - I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

What happened?

I saw Zahid's penis.

- What?

- What?

Not on purpose.

I was looking for a new shirt, and I had the urge to drain the main vein, so I went to the bathroom.

And Casey left me in there, and I thought that she would remember to come back for me, so I just kept working on my Rainbow Loom and then I heard a tinkling.

If I had known she was in there, I would not have unleashed the dragon, okay?

But I was midstream.

You can't pinch off the dragon midstream.

This is unbelievable.

I'm sorry, Paige.

It sucks 'cause now every ding-dong you see will have the unfortunate fate of being compared to mine.

A sad junks-taposition, if you will.

Paige, I'm sorry.

I heard Evan coming so I just Oh, come on, so this is my fault now?

Yeah, good party.

- Chill out, dude.

- You chill out.

I would be upset if I were him, too.

I thought you two were a couple.

- What?

- What?

- Come on.

- Maybe I should go.

Yeah, you probably should.

No, I should go.

- No, we'll go.

- Stop! All of you! Okay, we are here to have fun! And yes, some of us are arguing, and some of us got wet, and some of us saw penises! Okay?

But we are committed to this dinner party, so we're all gonna stay, we're gonna sit down and have a delicious Oh, sh**t.

I've gotta go.

Hi, guys.

Oh, keep having fun, I'm not here.

Where's Sam?

Thank you so much and please extend my thanks to the entire committee for hearing me out.

I appreciate the second chance, and I won't let you down.

And no popcorn setting next time.

No, God, no, that was a joke.

Okay.

Bye.

What smells good?

Honey, everything okay?

Oh, lavender.

No.

I got a C on my paper, a C.

C is not terrible.

Hey, there you are.

Everyone's looking for you.

Should you be having a candle burning by your bed with your track record?

Are you okay?

None of your business.

Ooh, lavender?

Hey, dude, you okay?

No.

I got a C on my ethics paper.

It's his business, but not mine?

I'm sorry, man.

At least you tried.

Some people don't even do that.

There's a cuddle party happening, and no one invited me?

Hey, Mrs.

G.

Good vibes in here.

- Is that lavender?

- Hey.

Sorry I can't stay too long.

Gretchen's waiting for me in the car.

You okay, bud?

Yeah.

Good.

Sorry that Paige saw my dong.

What's that now?

But hey, at least you and Gretchen hit it off.

You even had one of your little Socratic conversation thingies.

Seminars, and no, we didn't.

Sure you did.

You talked about college, doing research, conversed with one another.

He's kind of right.

- I was pretty good at it, too.

- Mm-hmm.

You know, I bet Gretchen was Miyagi'ing you the whole time, secretly leading you down the right path.

God, she's an amazing woman.

What's Miyagi'ing?

Mr.

Miyagi from Karate Kid.

- Oh, right.

- Duh.

Evan was a karate kid.

Oh, my God, you have to see the video.

No, hey, that was an us thing.

So what happened?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

- Come on.

- We have to talk about it?

- Yeah.

Why didn't you show up?

When your dad mentioned the EMT stuff, it just it seemed like something that I could do.

So what changed?

Well, then he said there was gonna be tests.

- So?

- I suck at tests.

I hate tests.

Look, it It's not like a big thing, and I don't really need to get into it, but I'm dyslexic.

What?

How have you not told me that?

I tell you everything.

I showed you that weird thing I found in my ear.

- Oh, yeah, that was gross.

- Yeah.

It's just I get anxious.

So what if I take all these classes and then I don't pass any of these tests?

Then it's just a big waste of time and money, and I've just, you know, let everyone down.

Well, I really think you can do it.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Even Yonchi thinks you can do it.

- Well Hey, don't tell Izzie.

I won't.

Thanks.

I might tell her.

And then I'll k*ll your whole family.

Oh, my God.

Hmm.

GMOs use less pesticides, which provides cleaner water conditions, but they're also stealing our souls, so I'm torn.

Tbh, GMO tomatoes taste like ketchup, and I love ketchup.

I eat it on everything, everything.

I disagree! Not about ketchup, but the rise of GMOs has led to concentrations of toxic metals that have serious consequences on wildlife, so it's not worth it.

Time.

I got a C on the seminar.

Is that good?

It's great.

Last week I got an F.

A C is a big improvement.

Well, that's good for you, Sam.

Honey.

Hi, Sam.

I dropped out of Bowdoin.

Congrats on your C.

Thank you.