03x10 - Searching for Brown Sugar Man

[bunniefuu]

I don't have to go.

It's up to you.

Yeah, okay.

'Cause it's just a work thing.

With Megan.

We're friends.

What about us?

Are we separating?

This trip away with you was wonderful.

It reminded me of who we were.

But I don't wanna keep hoping for this if it isn't real.

So, go to New York and figure out if this is real.

It's just a work trip.

I made coffee.

Thank you.

I'm just gonna go and Hi, Mr.

Gardner.

Hey, Paige.

Oh, sh**t, were you asleep?

No.

Are you sure?

'Cause you're hair's a little What's up?

Oh, well, Sam's still a bit peeved at me for spying for Mrs.

Gardner.

It's not all on her.

I was flattered to be chosen.

Okay.

He's studying for midterms, so I thought I'd bring over this care package.

It's got all the essentials: sugar cookies that say "I'm sorry," a personalized study guide for ethics class and this little studious penguin for stress levels.

Okay, well, I think I heard Sam take off early this morning.

He may be at school already.

Oh, okeydoke.

Hard at work, our busy bee.

Whatcha doing?

Highlighting clues.

What sort of clues?

Well, my friend is eloping, and I have to find him and stop it, because I promised not to let him fail out of nursing school, and his girlfriend is mean.

So I'm going through my old journals to see if there's anything he said that might give me a hint to his location.

The guy with the loud backpack?

Can I help?

What are your qualifications?

- Massive Nancy Drew fan.

- Fine.

Yes! Do we have time to stop by my house to grab my magnifying glass?

- Definitely not.

- Got it.

- Hey, congratulations.

- Thanks.

Superstar.

Hey.

Can we talk?

Nope.

I'm sorry.

I'm sick of you apologizing.

You led me on, you're jerking me around.

I hate it.

I really like you.

Yeah, in this moment, but in ten minutes, you might be embarrassed by me or kissing some random guy.

Just leave me alone.

- Newton.

- What?

I'm done being weird.

That was pretty weird.

Bad weird?

First things first, gumshoe.

Did you check his Insta?

Can't.

He blocked me after the un-homieing.

Bummer.

Let's make a new account.

Who would he wanna follow?

I don't know.

Well, what does he love more than anything in the world?

At weed, boobs, and dragons?

This isn't gonna work.

It looks like a bot page.

He'd have to be a real idiot to accept a request from Oh, he just did.

Seven hours until his test.

Whoa, look at that sparkly suit.

Damn, no geotag.

Oh, but wait.

We still have a clue.

Check out his cup of froyo.

It's from Gooseberry Fairy.

And it's barely melted.

- So?

- So I'm kind of a frozen dessert connoisseur and there's only one GF in town, and I'm guessing there's a tacky formal wear store right nearby.

You're proving to be much more valuable than I anticipated.

Yes, I am.

- Let's go.

- Okay.

Yeah, he bought that here.

Even had us customize it for him.

Added a bunch of dragons.

And it already had a lot of dragons.

Did he say where the wedding is?

No, but he had us overnight it to Royal Oak Casino.

Had to use a butt-load of bubble wrap to keep the sparkles in place.

- Do you drive?

- No, do you?

Not with my eyes open.

And my girlfriend has a car, but I'm mad at her for being a spy.

I love your life.

Hmm.

Thank you.

Look, I know you've had your heart set on UCLA.

I'm not fast enough, I knew it.

They've reached out.

They're interested and gonna keep an eye on you this year.

Really?

But if this is what you want - It is.

- Listen.

Sorry.

If this what you want, you're gonna have to step it up.

Okay, sure.

What what does that mean?

Well, as of now, you're training for competitive high school running.

This is gonna be more like training for the Olympics: more running, more time in the weight room, more sleep, a special diet, no more french fries and candy as your main source of sustenance.

What?

Impossible.

And more importantly, you need to drop the drama.

Huh?

You're a kid.

You get distracted by your relationships and then you run slow and stink at track.

Or you punch a milkshake.

It was a bop.

Think of this as a life detox.

You have to focus and simplify.

Anything that's a distraction from your goal has to go.

Look, you don't have to do this.

You could go to another school with a smaller program.

Just depends on what you want.

I don't want you to make this decision lightly.

Talk to people you trust about it.

Hey.

- Hey.

- What did Crowley want?

Um Nothing much.

She just wanted to congratulate me.

Okay.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

You don't have to hide your pros and cons list.

You're Elsa's daughter, you love lists.

I'm so ashamed.

- UCLA?

- Yep.

Coach says it's a possibility.

- Wow.

- Yeah, I just basically have to change my whole life and train like a maniac.

Should I?

Well, I can't tell you that, but either way, I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

Now, can you give me a solution to all my problems?

Well, I'll tell you this: you had a hard time.

End of elementary, middle school, you were acting out.

It was tough on you and then you found track, and it made you happy, so Got me away from Elsa.

Well, as long as it's making you happy, it's okay.

We need to borrow your truck.

- Hi, I'm Abby.

- Hi.

- What's up?

- Truck?

No, I need it, and you don't drive.

That's why I also need to borrow Casey.

Sorry, kid, you're on your own.

I gotta hit the road.

We need to get to Royal Oak Casino.

Why?

Because we're gonna break up Zahid's wedding to Gretchen.

Ooh, fun.

Can I come?

None of us are going if we don't have a way to get there.

Then you're gonna have to drive like hell.

I think I know a way.

This is so exciting.

It's our first road trip.

And our first wedding breakup.

Just the two of us, out on the open road.

Well, not exactly.

I'm sorry, but do you really think that's necessary?

I've heard how you drive.

I'm not taking any risks.

Well, that's nonsense and highly exaggerated.

What are you doing, you incompetent turd-sack! God, I will rip out your spine and eat it for dinner and use it to pick my frickin' teeth! My mistake, you seem good.

So, what's with the canoe?

I'd really rather not say.

Other than it's a reminder of my shame, the scarlet "A" that I'm doomed to carry with me for all of eternity.

Or at least until I can convince some financially irresponsible dodo bird to take it off my hands.

Usually when people say they'd rather not say, then they don't say.

Oh, look at this.

This is the Elvis that's performing the ceremony, and look behind him at the elevator.

The arrow only points up.

The elevator is on the ground floor.

Do you think that means they're getting married on the ground floor?

It could.

Good sleuthing.

Thank you.

It's attention to detail and lack of attention to your conversation.

- Hello.

- Hi.

I'm at the hotel.

I wanted to make sure you were still coming to the training.

I haven't heard from you in a while and No.

Yeah, I am.

Sorry, it's been kind of crazy at home.

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah.

No, I don't know.

It's Elsa and I are talking about separating, so Oh.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.

I'm on the way.

I'll be there in about 45 minutes.

Okay.

Well, I'm thinking about heading down to the bar before the meet and greet.

Not sure I can do that without alcohol.

All right, I'll meet you there.

Okay.

See you in 45 minutes.

See you soon.

Office hours aren't until 5:30.

But, Professor, I really need your help, boy trouble.

Elsa.

Hi.

How's Hanzo?

I love him so much I wanna die.

And I'm so tired I wanna die, so What's all this?

Oh, Sam told me that you host a board game night every week, and I came across these old games, and I thought maybe you could use them.

Most have all their pieces except for Chinese Checkers, but nobody likes Chinese Checkers anyway.

It's the worst.

Okay, you can just put them Sure, perfect.

- So, boy problems?

- Oh, no, everything's fine.

I've been taking your advice and not pressuring him and letting him go at his own pace, and I'm letting him come to me.

And?

We're separated.

- Oh.

- No, but actually, things are better now.

It's almost like when we first got together.

Oh.

Yeah.

So I told him he should go to New York on this work trip with Megan.

Oh.

That's why you're here, isn't it?

Well, that and the board games.

Do you wanna play Connect 4?

I need something to occupy my brain.

Sometimes if I need to figure out how I'm feeling about something, I'll just state the facts out loud to myself.

You sent your husband to New York with another woman who you already had concerns about.

Maybe I stepped back too far.

Maybe.

Ooh, bride and groom! Not them.

Ooh, succulents! Not now.

Ooh, ice cream! No time.

Okay, look around for clues.

Look at us back at the hijinks.

Sam and Paige, good as new.

I'm so relieved you forgave me.

Yeah, me too.

And things are really on the up and up, you know?

Got my nanny interview coming up.

And sure, the canoe is still there reminding me of my failure at all times, but I can just look the other direction.

Are you kidding me?

Hark! I hear a shrill, sarcastic voice making someone feel like crap, come on! Zippers are totally misogynist.

Here, just pull this dangly thing to make everything better.

Velcro is the only feminine closure device.

I'm shocked you don't know that, and honestly, a little offended.

- Gretchen.

- Oh.

Ew.

What are you guys doing here?

We're here to break up your wedding.

But I would love to hear more about zippers when you have the chance.

Wait, where is Zahid?

Paige, good to see your legs.

Thank you.

Look, I have no idea where he is.

Turns out when I posted on social about getting married, my ex called, and we reconnected, and, well, this is Gavin.

- Hush.

He's the one.

- What?

Zahid and I came here together, but once Gavin showed up, I had to call the wedding off.

Last time I saw Zahid, he was cry-dancing outside a porta-potty.

Poor Zahid.

Oh, well, it's been real, crabs, but Gavin and I gotta go.

We're getting toe tattoos of toes.

It's gonna be totally meta.

Good luck.

Please tell Zahid I hold nothing against him.

He is a beautiful soul.

Bye.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

Wait, so where is he?

Where is Zahid?

I know where he is.

Zahid! - How did you find me?

- Easy.

I searched my archives, created a fake Instagram account, went to a loud, loud store, drove several hours with Road Rage Paige and then tracked you down using a series of clues I found scattered around this horrible place.

Why?

Because you made me promise not to let you mess up nursing school.

So I'm here to take you back.

You are so literal.

I keep my promises.

I know you do, but nursing school doesn't matter anymore.

I see now that I could never be a nurse.

Also, we're not homies anymore.

A wise you once said not to let one setback get you down.

I was naive, a fool a wretch, unfit for this or any other world.

And now I must suffer the consequences.

Goodbye, Sam.

No! Not without the coat! Sammy! Hey.

You walked off all mopey.

What's up?

I'm not a succulent.

Okay.

What?

When you clip a succulent, you can replant the new clipping somewhere else, and it'll take root and eventually it'll grow to be healthy and glorious, just like the original.

And I don't know, I just kind of thought that I would be the same way.

You know, I thought that you could clip me from my comfortable life at home and replant me at Bowdoin, but my roots didn't sprout, and I didn't grow strong and glorious at all.

Instead, I shriveled up and perished in the loamy soils of Maine.

And all I have to show for it is an enormous red canoe that's a daily reminder of my failure, so I mean, if I'm not a succulent, then what am I?

Sorry, all that probably sounds crazy to you.

No.

It's actually one of the more lucid things I've heard you say.

Is that a compliment or an insult?

I'm actually not sure myself.

But I think I get how you feel.

You do?

Yeah.

I'm not who I thought I was, either.

It's been a really confusing year for me, too.

You mean like the stuff with Izzie?

And Evan.

And there's all this stuff I have to figure out with track.

I just really don't know what I want anymore or who I am at all.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Look, I hate to say this, but at the risk of strengthening our friendship I think you have to take it easy on yourself.

You do?

Maybe you're not a succulent.

So what?

Maybe you're something even better.

Better than a succulent?

Yeah, like a fern or a nice moss.

- Hey.

- Hi.

I got you a drink.

Oh, thank you.

- How you doing?

- Good.

This is weirder than usual, huh?

Yeah.

Listen I might be way off base but I have to say this.

I don't wanna start anything between us if you're not sure sure you're out of your marriage, I mean in your heart.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure that out.

You're not sure.

I thought I could ignore my feelings for you if I didn't act on them.

We've both been pretending.

It didn't work.

I just wish I met you at a less complicated time.

When was that, like 25 years ago?

- Doug.

- Yeah.

Okay, take it easy, catch your breath.

Let me look at your ribs.

Okay, can you move?

How's your breathing?

Can you breathe?

Okay.

Why the hell would you do that?

You may have unhomied me but I never unhomied you.

I'm sorry, Sam.

Ah.

Can we go now?

Yes.

But we need to make one stop first.

Okay.

You're sure this is what you want me to say?

- Yes.

- Definitely.

Okay, whatever.

I now pronounce you homies.

You may fist bump your homie.

Yay! That was weirdly moving.

It really was.

I hope I find a homie like that someday.

All right, let's get to this midterm.

Holy smokes on a Sunday.

What?

I just got a message! Someone wants to buy my canoe! Let's go home, homies.

Okay, I'm doing this.

I'm doing this.

I'm doing this.

I'm doing this.

Oh! - Doug?

- What the hell was that?

Why aren't you in New York?

Why did you back up so fast?

I was trying to break up your stupid affair.

Well, I came home early.

Why?

sh*t.

Well, look at the cars.

Let's worry about that later.

Okay, if you're gonna pass this test, we gotta study.

"During data clustering, a nurse does what?

" Clustering Cluster F orgy nurse orgy?

- That doesn't sound right.

- Shh.

It's how I study.

I find the fun words in the boring words.

Nurse orgy, orgy-nizes Oh! Nurse organizes cues into patterns that lead to the identification of diagnoses.

- Correct.

- Yes! "What do you do to improve a patient's breathing during respiratory distress?

" Head elevated, legs bent or straight, that is one foul position You put them in Fowler's position! Correct.

"Name the frontal lobe neurotransmitter that's associated with pleasure.

" Easy.

Lobe sounds like lube.

Lube is used during sexy time.

And sexy time is dope.

- Dopamine.

- Correct.

Twenty-five out of 25.

You're like a sex savant.

Thank you.

You're definitely gonna pass your midterm if we get there on time.

Yeah, hey, Paige, can we drive a little faster?

Yeah, what's up, Road Rage Paige?

You're all kind and gentle now.

I don't know.

Ever since I sold my canoe, I just feel like driving a little slower.

Hmm.

With the canoe went the rage.

Oh, this guy wants over in my lane.

After you, sir, and what a lovely pair of truck nuts.

Probably don't need this.

To Zahid passing his test.

And for doing it all in that sweet suit.

And to Sam for upholding your promise and not letting me mess up nursing school.

- And to Paige for selling your boat.

- Yay.

Who bought it, anyway?

Some creep.

His Instagram account is at weed, boobs and dragons, but I don't even care because I am free.

Obviously, that's great news, buddy.

Paige, I love your fruit jacket.

Thank you, Sam.

Wow, what a great day.

Here we go.

All right, enjoy.

Careful, it's a little hot.

Hey.

I know you have no reason to talk to me, so feel free to tell me to go away, but I just had to Um Hi.

Hi.

So you don't hate me?

No.

I don't know.

No.

No.

I'm sorry.

I know.

I didn't want Casey.

I know.

Hey, guess what.

I got into that EMT training program.

- Really?

- Yes, I did.

That's great.

Yeah.

Yeah, gonna have to wear a lot more khaki pants.

Yeah.

So what's going on with you?

Come on, just be normal.

I think UCLA might be an option.

Of course it is.

I just basically have to give up everything, like eat, sleep and breathe track, so Do you think I should do it?

Yep.

You're that sure?

Yep.

Why?

Look, I've spent most of my life just doing whatever is easy.

And now I'm doing this EMT stuff, and it's really hard, but it's good.

Now I feel like I've got a purpose.

So, you know, just don't do the easy thing.

Do the hard stuff.

Yeah, I've had to do a lot of hard stuff lately.

Oh, well I better get back to work.

Yeah.

Seriously, buddy, I owe you big time.

Are there any midterms I can help you study for?

I've seen the way you study, and it wouldn't be helpful to me.

Plus, I already took them all, except for ethics.

I skipped that one to get you from the casino.

Sam, if you fail the midterm, you could fail the whole class.

I know, and it was a classic moral quandary: rescue Zahid or pass ethics.

But in the end, I didn't have a choice.

I had to rescue Zahid, so not a quandary.

Now, that is a homie.

I was really upset to have to take ethics at first because there's no right or wrong answers and that's just dumb But I did learn some things mostly about myself, about how what's right and wrong changes.

You know, I do think that being the nanny to a professional working mom could teach me a lot.

I'm hungry for a mentor, and, I mean, who better, right?

But gosh, this is way too weird.

Yeah, I didn't realize you were that Paige.

It wouldn't work.

Definitely.

Is he already asleep?

Oh, yeah.

I'm very good with babies.

Everything changes, depending on the things and the people you love.

You're here early.

I know.

- I wanna go for it.

- Yeah?

Okay, then.

This'll be fun.

No, it won't.

No, I meant for me.

And how even when something seems difficult or dangerous What was that about?

I told her I'd give up my whole life to train for UCLA.

Oh.

Wow.

I should have told you earlier.

I'm sorry.

And you're fast too, I mean, you're so fast.

- I just did well in that one race.

- Stop.

This isn't about me.

And I've been thinking, you're right, I've been awful to you.

I don't wanna be like my mom, but my brain just betrays me sometimes.

And you're so good and solid and wonderful.

But I get it if if you don't wanna do this.

I know I'm not easy.

I'm not looking for easy.

there are instances when that doesn't matter at all.

It's dope.

I agree.

Take it to the water?

Not a chance.

I just had to get it out of the house in case Paige comes over.

Sammy ohl.

I've been thinking.

Now that we're re-homied, it may just be time to take this relationship to the next level.

What's the next level?

Will you be my roommate?

In the dragon's lair with Jay and Padma?

No, in a place of our own.

Can I have my own room?

I don't think we can afford that, but you can have the bottom bunk.

Would you be willing to get rid of the scary cat with the mechanical arm?

If I must.

Would Padma bring over butter noodles?

I sincerely hope so.

- Yes.

- Yes! Roomies.

Roomies.

Can we get out of here now?

I'm starting to feel seasick.

Yeah.