02x11 - The Perfect Assistant

[bunniefuu]

FLOWER: Ooh. What's going on?

Jay and Sam are interviewing
potential assistants.

So far, it's been a bunch of duds.

I blame child labor laws.

How are people supposed
to get experience

when they're wasting
their youth in schools?

Oh. Cornell University School
of Hotel Administration.

And three years working
at the St. Regis Midtown.

This is very impressive, Freddie.

JAY: Mm, yeah. I just
have one question for you.

You're at the airport. A gunman
is using a hostage for cover.

- What do you do?
- Ignore him.

Look, you seem very qualified,

and no offense... mainly to us...
but why do you want this job?

Well, I'm from the area,
and I moved back recently

to be near family.

And it's always been my dream
to have my own B&B, so I thought

why not learn from the best?

[CHUCKLES] The best?

What fool would buy this malarkey?

The best. That's... [LAUGHS]

Wow.

Look, I read that rave about
you guys in Sippr last month.

You're doing something
right here at Woodstone,

and I just want to be a part of that.

And, Jay, you sh**t the hostage.

Speed is the perfect movie,

and Mr. Keanu Reeves
is a national treasure.

You're hired.

I think Jay's in love.

Oh. So am I. [LAUGHS]

What? So... am I...

officially offering you the job?

I think I am! [LAUGHS]

Wow! [LAUGHS]

What an interesting
way of phrasing that.

So am I accepting the offer? You betcha.

[LAUGHTER]

So Sam and Jay picked a third?

Sure.

♪ ♪

THORFINN: Bjorn! Everything okay?

BJORN: I'm having
situation with other ghost.

It's embarrassing!

Son! Tell me what troubles you!

I'm getting bullied.

What?!

Bullied!

[LAUGHS] I'm sorry,

but it sound like you say
"bullied," which is impossible.

Because you are mighty Viking.

Who could bully mighty Viking?

Oh, my God. Are you
whining to your daddy?

No!

Daddy,

the mean s housewife
is being mean to me. Wah!

That your bully?!

But she is... tiny woman!

No. She normal size woman,
just tiny 'cause you far away.

That was not Thor's main issue with it.

I don't understand.

The gentleman hired to be
Sam and Jay's new assistant

just left his companion out
here to wait in his vehicle. Hmm.

I wonder if she's his girlfriend.

No way. She's way too hot for him.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.

- Thank you.
- You can see us?

Yeah, I'm a ghost.

Ooh!

Hey, y'all.

I'm Jessica. How's it going?

Hold on. What is happening?
Where did you come from?

Uh, I'm a car ghost.

What's a car ghost?

I d*ed in a car accident,

so now I'm bound to this car.

Well, this car and about...

One, two, three, four...

This car and about a five-foot border.

This is quite vexing.

You simply go wherever the vehicle goes?

Yeah, but it's not bad, for being dead.

Um, Freddie does food delivery,
so I get to see the world

and smell the smells.

Does he deliver pizzas?

All... the... time.

- Ooh.
- [HICCUPS]

[LAUGHS] Sorry. I d*ed buzzed.

I was coming from a bottomless
mimosa brunch with my b*tches.

Bottomless alcoholic beverages?

How does such an
establishment stay in business?

Oh, well, they water the drinks down,

but, you know, if you drink
twice as many... [LAUGHS]

Aah! Always forget about my head wound.

So, this is where we keep
the stapler and the stamps

and the little reception
bell that we had to put away

'cause Jay can't walk
by it without ringing it.

Uh, you gonna wrap this up soon?

We got an afternoon walk.

This is the guest book.

Hello?

Samantha, after our walk,

will you open the curtain in my room?

I have plans to stare
pensively for several hours.

Hello?

She's still ignoring us.

Well, this is untenable.

How long can this situation continue?

Yeah, Sam. How often is
this guy going to be here?

Freddie, I thought I should let you know

your hours are going to be :
to : Tuesday through Sunday.

- What?!
- If it's okay with you,

I'll be in early and leave late.

That's not okay with us!

Indeed. It's one thing when
she must refrain from responding

during brief interactions
with the guests,

lest she appear deranged.

But all day, every day?

That we cannot abide.

Freddie, you know, I'm
going to take a walk

around the grounds to stretch my legs.

Ooh, I'll come with you.

Would love to familiarize
myself with the grounds

so I could better help the guests.

Oh, get a damn life, Freddie!

[SCOFFS]

So Bjorn's being bullied

by one of the other
ghosts at the Farnsby's?

Normally, I would counsel Bjorn
to destroy enemy with v*olence,

but can't do that with woman, and,

also, v*olence not affect ghost.

Being father to adult ghost
baby son... very complicated.

I hear you, buddy.

Fatherhood. It's not easy.

But there's some good news.

There's a simple solution
to Bjorn's problems.

All he has to do is use his words.

Interesting.

Use words to inflict emotional v*olence.

I like.

No, that's not what I meant.
I meant to communicate.

You know? Talk to the bully,

tell her how her words
are affecting Bjorn.

Or let her know how dumb
her face looks. [LAUGHS]

I don't think that's
what Pete's saying, Thor.

Yes, but is better than
what Pete is saying,

and comes from Pete's idea.

Thor "yes and" Pete.

Okay, do not use improv for evil.

That is the first rule of improv.

I thought the first rule was

- always support your scene partner.
- Yes.

Okay, love that you guys are
listening, but, Thor, please.

Bullying back is not the solution.

Yes, and... it is!

[LAUGHS] All right.

Off to counsel Bjorn on how
to continue cycle of v*olence.

Good talk!

But probably one of the best classes

I took was Beverage Management.

Samantha, you have to see
this! There's a car ghost!

Oh, my God!

Is that a... Toyota?

You don't see those every day.

Really? I think they're
literally the most popular car.

She's bound to the car.

We've never seen anything like it!

Freddie, would you mind
covering the desk for a bit?

Sure thing, boss.

- This is the Living we were telling you about.
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Hi. I'm Sam.

So, you live in Freddie's
car? That's interesting.

He seems like a really great guy.

Oh, yeah, he's so great.

And you're his new boss, right?

Yeah, we interviewed a bunch of people,

but he really blew us away.

[LAUGHS] To be honest,

- I can't believe he took the job.
- Yeah.

He's the best. Although,
um, if he's working here,

there is one thing that I
feel like you should know.

- Oh, what?
- Um, he k*lled me.

I-I'm sorry, what? Freddie k*lled you?

I thought you said you
d*ed in a car accident.

Yeah. A hit-and-run. It was really sad.

Well, Freddie doesn't
seem like the kind of guy

who'd just drive away.

Are you sure he realized he hit you?

Well, I flew through the windshield

and then he dumped my body in the woods,

so, yeah, I think he noticed.

But I hear he types,

like, a hundred words a minute,

so, that's cool for you.

- How did this happen?
- Um, I was at brunch with my b*tches.

Uh, we got kicked out
because my bestie Lindsey

puked all over the waitress.

This is a vivid retelling.

And I was walking across the street.

Next thing I know, boom,
I'm getting hit by a car

and flying through a windshield.

Well, you look great for a victim

of blunt force head trauma.

Oh, you're sweet. [LAUGHS]

I need to talk to Jay.

You really know your way
around that whetstone.

Oh, I'm just here to support your genius

and allow you to concentrate on
that beautiful crème anglaise.

Oh, my God, he's got a Kn*fe!

[GASPING] And Jay has a spoon!

Uh, Jay, can I talk to you
in the hallway for a second?

Yeah, sure. Freddie, can you... ?

Stir for three minutes
then remove from heat?

This guy. He's k*lling it.

Oh, you have no idea.

JAY: What is it, babe?

Jay, Freddie k*lled
someone in a hit-and-run,

- and was never caught.
- What?

How do you know this?

Because the ghost of that
person, a woman named Jessica,

lives in Freddie's SUV,

which is currently
parked in our driveway.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This dead Jessica lady just
goes wherever the car goes?

Jay, that's not the key point here.

It is fascinating, though.

- What are you doing?
- Adding this to my Ghost Notes.

This is huge. So, is the
actual car the boundary,

or does it extend to, like, a perimeter?

- Oh.
- I don't know!

Boundary unknown.

S-so, what do we do?
Do we call the cops?

Yes, yes, call the authorities!

And tell them what? A ghost
told us Freddie's a m*rder*r?

Yeah, that doesn't sound great.

At the very least,
you must fire Freddie.

The ghosts are saying
we need to fire Freddie.

I mean, if he actually did that,

that's really bad.

- Yeah.
- Cut and dried.

- Give him the heave-ho!
- It will mean

a return to slightly more work

for the two of you, but you'll be able

to speak freely to us once again,

which is a trade-off I,
for one, am willing to make.

- He was just such a good assistant.
- The best.

Oh, Lord, here comes the rationalizing.

The truth is, anybody
could have done what he did.

Yeah. You know, I ran over a cone

in that grocery store parking lot,

and that could have been
a tiny orange person.

Totally.

Oh, for God's sake.

You cannot simply overlook
the fact that he k*lled someone

just because he knows how
to fold a towel into a swan.

But we probably would have
stopped and reported it.

Also, Jessica did sort of mention

that Freddie dumped
her body in the woods.

Ooh, that's hard to get past.

I mean, that's a string of decisions.

We have to get rid of him, don't we?

[WHISPERS]: Yeah.

Hey, Jay, just wanted to let you know

I went ahead and
created a digital backup

of all your recipe cards.

The archive is searchable

by flavor profile, protein
type and country of origin.

Of course it is.

Father?!

Father!

Hey, Bjorn, I'm Pete!

I'm a good friend of your dad's!

Let me go get him for you, okay?!

Actually, if you don't mind me asking,

h-how's that bullying situation going?

He told you?! How embarrassing!

Oh, no, don't be embarrassed.

I-I was bullied constantly as a kid.

My mom says it was

'cause I was special and
the other kids were jealous,

which was not true, but
comforting nonetheless.

Father says I should be mean to
Judy, but it doesn't feel right!

Here's the thing, Bjorn!

Your dad means well, but
that doesn't necessarily mean

that's the best advice to follow!

Well, what is best advice?!

I think just communicate honestly!

Tell her how her behavior
is making you feel!

What do you think you're doing?

Thor, I was just looking for you.

I-I was just coming to get you

because B-Bjorn was looking for you.

No, you weren't.

You're trying to replace me
as father to my Baby Bjorn!

No, no, not at all.

You say I shouldn't listen to Father?!

Pete, is that right?

- Not now, Bjorn!
- Okay!

Just want to be clear. You say

listen to you and not my father.

He's-he's joking. He's a funny kid.

We talk after Housewives.

Why are you doing this?

I thought everything was working out.

It's just not the right fit.

Is this because of the Diet Coke I took?

Jay said I could help myself.

Yes, it is the Diet Coke.

You did something unforgiveable,

and I hope it keeps you up at night.

So what's it gonna be
for you and Freddie now?

Guess we're gonna go back to the
open road and food deliveries.

Well, that works out
pretty well for you.

We get our Samantha back, so,
seems like everybody wins. Hmm.

What's going on?

Oh, uh, Sam and Jay are getting rid

of Freddie, cause, you
know, the murdering.

Oh. So, I guess that
means you're going to be...

Leaving, yeah. I know it sucks, but, um,

maybe we'll still see
each other, you know,

if like your Livings, like,
order a burrito or something.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, totally.

I just feel like I didn't
really get a chance to know you.

Like, do you have a ghost power?

Um, well, kind of. I can
set off the car alarm.

Whoa. How?

I have the keys. Here, I'll show you.

[CAR ALARM BLARES]

- Oh!
- Oh. Ooh, wow.

[LAUGHTER]

Wait.

Why do you have the keys to this car?

What?

Well, you said you got hit

when you were walking across the street.

Yes, isn't this Freddie's car?

Uh... yeah.

[LAUGHS] Okay.

Can totally see where you
guys are getting confused.

See, what happened was, after I was hit,

I flew through the windshield,

and the force of the
accident made Freddie's keys

fly up and land in my pocket.

- Mm, that does not make any sense at all, my dear.
- Mm-mm.

- No.
- Okay, you know what? [SCOFFS]

I'm too buzzed to pull off these lies.

- Uh, Freddie didn't k*ll me.
- [ALL GASPING]

I was driving the car, and
I ran into a telephone pole,

which came out of nowhere.

And Freddie bought the
car used a few years ago.

So, that means Samantha is f*ring
that poor young man for no reason.

- Well, we need to tell her.
- No!

Please don't, okay?

I miss the open road,

and the smell of chicken tikka
masala wafting through the car.

That's why I lied... just
to get back to that life.

Let's not forget, with
Freddie out of the picture,

- we do get Sam all to ourselves.
- True.

But at what cost, guys?

What about this poor guy,
accused of a terrible crime,

about to lose his job for no reason?

Please, Sass, for me?

Yeah, okay.

- Oh, there you go.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Mom, hey, listen, I got fired.

I know it's just been one day.

I don't want to talk about
it. I'll pick up some Arby's?

Because that's what I do
now, Mom... pick up food.

[CRYING]: That's all I'm good for.

Oh, yes!

Arby's Horsey Sauce, baby! [LAUGHS]

[CRYING]

We're doing the right thing.

A sauce made from horses.

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Greenstein.

I didn't see the note
about your kosher meal.

- Oy gevalt!
- Oy gevalt!

We have a new system, and
I'm still getting used to it.

The toilet paper
triangles won't stay, Sam.

They won't stay!

I'm kind of drowning here.

Freddie installed all these new systems,

and he didn't get a chance
to walk me through them.

This isn't good.

The sounds of Freddie crying
and phoning in that Arby's order

are going to haunt me
for a long, long time.

Stay strong, my friends.

Oh, before I forget, we need

to cancel our dinner
reservation tomorrow night.

Our date night? I was really
looking forward to that.

What is this? Date night?

It's a thing that modern
couples do to reconnect.

We were gonna go out for a nice dinner.

It's been months, but
with Freddie not here,

somebody has to stay for the guests.

Stupid m*rder*r.

Okay. I can't do this.
We have to tell Sam

that Freddie didn't k*ll anyone.

That we know about!

Ugh. All right, fine.

Samantha, funny story.

Turns out Freddie didn't
actually k*ll the car ghost.

What?!

Jessica was driving
and got in an accident.

ISAAC: After brunch with her b*tches,

which, apparently, is
a term of endearment.

The point is, Freddie didn't k*ll her.

Why would you lie to me?!

ISAAC: We never actually lied.

It was more of a sin of omission,

if one wanted to get technical.

ALBERTA: We missed you!

With Freddie around,
you were ignoring us.

We didn't want to share you.

[LAUGHS] If you think about it,

it's actually very sweet.

Feel free to "aw" if you're so moved.

SAMANTHA: Guys, one of the reasons

that we were getting an
assistant was to free us up.

Yes, there was a breaking-in
period, but eventually,

I would have been more available.

That was not communicated clearly.

Jay, we need to get Freddie back.

Yes! I completely agree.

Who cares if the guy k*lled somebody?

He can organize the
hell out of a pantry.

What?! No. No, Freddie
didn't k*ll anyone.

The car ghost was lying.

Even better. Let's get the bastard back.

[SCOFFS] "Bastard" is
a term of endearment?

What has become of the lexicon?

FLOWER: Hey, Thor, what's up?

Housewives over.

Now why do you go behind Thor's back?!

I think Pete just wanted to help, Thor.

Like an uncle.

That's what uncles do.

They give you advice and buy you weed,

and stare too long at your friends.

Do you think Thor bad father?

And that you better father

because you actually got to be father?

No, no, not at all.

I-I just understand what
Bjorn is going through, okay?

Yeah. I know. I heard.

You were bullied, too.

But that doesn't excuse.

No. I-I... I mean, because...

my dad was a lot like you,

- Thor... a distant tough guy...
- Thank you.

... who pushed me to solve my
problems through aggression,

and I hated it because I
wasn't that kind of kid.

But your father was trying to help you.

But he wasn't listening to me.

I... I didn't want to
fight fire with fire.

I-I just wanted a dad who accepted me

and understood who I was.

Thor have idea.

Maybe Thor accept Bjorn,

let Bjorn be who he is.

So, kind of just what I said?

It's slightly different.

Okay. Just glad you got there.

- Ah...
- Ooh, what's all this?

It's a pile of burritos.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Freddie isn't responding

to any Sam and Jay's calls and texts.

So, Samantha and Jay are repeatedly

placing orders in the hopes

that one of them shall
be delivered by Freddie,

thus allowing them to
apologize and win him back.

ISAAC: Unfortunately,
drivers other than Freddie

keep appearing, which has led
to this comical, yet aromatic,

- mountain of burritos.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Damn it. That wasn't Freddie, either.

Sam, what are you going
to do with all of these?

Well, have a safe trip
home, Mrs. Greenstein.

And enjoy your complimentary
kosher veggie burrito.

Jay, this is getting very expensive.

Maybe we should just throw in the towel.

Here's your burrito.

Hey! Freddie!

What are the odds?!

I didn't even want to come.

I just need to keep my rating high

since this is my only
form of income right now.

I threw in a Diet
Coke so now we're even.

My God, the drama.

Wait. Freddie?

Look, we, uh...

we overreacted, and we're sorry.

JAY: We're-we're not
used to being bosses.

But-but I've gotten a
chance to sleep on it,

and, you're right...
it was just a Diet Coke.

That you said I could have.

Freddie, we could go round
and round on this thing,

but you know what? The
point is, we want you back.

Wait.

Did you order, like,
burritos just to talk to me?

Yes. Yes, we did.

But you guys are, like, broke.

Okay, every tenth one was free.

That is... so sweet.

[LAUGHS] Crazy, but sweet.

So, does this mean you're coming back?

I want three of those burritos.

Push that leverage,
young man. Gouge 'em!

You got it.

Well, then, you guys got
yourself a new old assistant.

[LAUGHTER] Oh, Freddie's back.

I think I'll just go
outside for some fresh air.

Ah, I'll come with you.

- Please don't.
- Ooh!

Don't get poked by that glass

sticking out of her
forehead if you kiss her!

THORFINN: Bjorn, I was wrong to try

to make you do things my way.

From now on, I listen

and accept you for who you are, my son!

I'm so happy to hear that, Father!

And good news... it went really well.

Turns out, Judy only bully
because she have crush on me.

[LAUGHS] Yes, my boy!

How was the sex?

- We haven't done that yet, Father.
- Right.

Because we have not had the talk yet.

So,

you know how sword go into sheath?

He's fathered children, Thor.

I think he knows how it works.

With Dane, maybe, but
with person, different.

- Just let him have his moment, Pete.
- Okay.

So, your body is going
through lots of changes.

This is good!