04x01 - Magical Bird #1

[bunniefuu]

[SAM]

In the beginning of a journey, no one knows what to expect.

[DOUG]

You have some drafty windows, and the bathroom door sticks, but otherwise, it's okay.

I'm proud of you.

Your own place.

I can't believe it.

Look at you.

You're so grown up.

You could be 20.

Sure, they might have a vague idea that the road ahead could be rough.

How are the smoke alarms? Are they up

-to

-date? You can never be sure in these old buildings.

Double

-checking safety precautions was a whole section of my move

-in checklist.

We have new smoke alarms, first aid kits, and an a*.

- [ELSA]

An a*?

- In case of a fire.

It belonged to Zahid's uncle, who was the first ever Indian lumberjack in Vermont.

They called him the Maple Syrup Swami.

An a*? But no one sets off on an expedition thinking, "In four months, I'll have a crippling case of scurvy and be forced to eat a sled dog.

" [SCOFFS]

And this is where you can sit when we talk when I FaceTime you every night.

Every night? I talked myself down from three times a day, so that is my best and final offer.

You want us to stick around a little and help you set up? No, thank you.

Edison's had a big day.

We need quiet.

Okay.

Do you want to hold on to these boxes just in case? No.

Why? You can throw them away.

There's a dumpster out front.

It's green, and someone named Dog Face painted their name on it.

Okeydoke.

You can go.

You're not allowed to make fun of me for crying.

Same to you.

[SAM]

That's what makes new beginnings so exciting.

You don't know what will happen until it's over.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]



- [ZAHID]

Here it comes.



- [SAM]

Shh! [ZAHID]

I'm so excited! [SAM]

Quiet! [KAZOO BUZZES]



- Loud!

- Sorry.

[SAM]

Beginnings can be painful But, dude, 12:08 a.

m.

[SAM]

but that doesn't mean they're bad.

I did it.

I've officially stayed in our new apartment later than I've ever stayed anywhere.

[DOOR OPENS]

Did I miss it? Did I miss 12:08? Nope, you're here just in the nick of time.



- Oh good.



- Looking pretty fly in that unitard, Paige.

Oh, thanks.

It's what goes under my potato.



- Sam, congratulations.



- Thank you.

I brought you something.

It's a money tree.

It brings good luck and prosperity.

I was thinking you could put it in your room, in that spot right next to Edison's t*nk.

It gets great sun.

He'll be the richest turtle in town.



- Okay.



- And it's an easy plant too.

Just three

-quarts a cup of water every four days, maybe some seaweed

-based plant food once a week, and just keep rotating him, of course.

I'll help.

I once had a plant survive for two months purely on Mountain Dew.

You know what? Never mind.

I think I'll just come by and take care of him myself.

Good.

I've got enough to do finishing all the items on my move

-in checklist.

I'll take a few off your hands.

Least I can do for my roomie from another wombie.

I'll, uh, make a copy of the key for emergencies and switch over the power.

And give your mom a really big hug.



- That's not on the list.



- I added it.

You guys did good.

This place has really nice vibes.

One hundred years ago, it was a slaughterhouse.

I can't believe he's really gone.

Oh.

Don't worry.

I mean, you've been up his butt so much his whole life, there's no way he'll be able to live without you.

You think?

- I'm kidding.



- Oh my God.

I'm heading out.

Gotta get in early.

I'm training the new guy.

Evan? How's he doing? Nope.

I'm not getting in the middle.

Just because I'm working with your boyfr

- [CASEY]

Ex

-boyfriend.



- Whatever.



- What does that mean?

- Eh, you're kids.

You're broken up.

You're together.

You're broken up.

You're together.

Aw.

Aren't we kids cute? But, no, actually, we are definitely broken up.



- So

- Okay.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]



- [ELSA]

Hi there.



- I'm pooping.

How's track? You still working hard for UCLA?

- What are you up to, lady?

- Nothing.

Actually, I do have one question.

It's just It's fine either way.

I was just wondering if you're gonna tell Dad about you and Izzie.

Oh, I see.

Um Yeah, you know, I have thought about it a lot.

I've really mulled it over.

And I think the answer is butt out.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

One last thing.

Oh my God.

Is this what it's like to be an only child? I hate it.

I was looking at the Clayton website the other night, and I saw that they had a Gender and Sexuality Alliance.

So if you know anyone grappling with identity issues like, I don't know, maybe like, "How do I come out to my dad?" You might wanna let them know.



- Mom.



- Yeah? I just don't know what he's gonna say.

I mean He's not gonna know what to say, and it's gonna be weird and awkward.

It's true.

I mean, he's just not as cool and laid

-back as I am.

Oh my God.

Shoo.

Edison's eyes are watery.

I think he's having an allergic reaction.

Okay, all right.

We covered this in nursing school.

Uh, is his breathing labored? Does he have hives? We're gonna need to take off that shell and peep underneath.

I think I'll just watch him for now.

I bet it's Paige's dumb old money plant.

Apparently, it causes good luck, prosperity, and dead turtles.



- What happened?

- What causes blackouts? Zombies? Teenage pranksters? Permanent global night? We should probably call the power department.

I hate hold music, but I can wear my headphones.

Actually, maybe you should do it since you're the one who put it in your name.

Oh.

I didn't do that.



- Sorry, bud.



- What? It slipped my mind.

But you checked it off the list.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I didn't do it, and that was dumb.



- Then why did you check it off the list?

- Well, I intended to do it.

But, you know, I thought, "Power, lamps, lava lamps, lava, hot," and then I ended up ordering hot pants instead.

See, my mind goes on these mental walks.

Apparently, it's a sign of creativity.

But [SPLUTTERS]

no worries.

I will call the fine folks at the power department right now.

My phone is dead.

I would charge it, but Hey, you wanna watch a movie? Oh.

Wait.

[BETH]

Wowie zowie.

That is impressive.

Golden buttery perfection.

Now for the finishing touch.

[SCREAMING]

This will go straight in the mail tomorrow.

Toodles.

Oh my God.

Okay, Beth has been sending me pastry

-m*rder videos since Evan and I broke up.



- Um, they look delicious.



- Oh yeah.

No.

She's an amazing baker.

She would be so pissed if she found out that you and I were, you know, hanging out.

Hanging out?

- What are you, 12?

- Oh, shut up.

What am I supposed to call it? Dating.

A couple.

A couple? Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Right? Yeah.



- Okay.



- [BOTH GIGGLE]

[PHONE CHIMES]



- Hello.



- [ELSA]

Hi, honey.

I'm FaceTiming you.

Isn't this fun? Are you in the bathtub with all your clothes on? Yes, it's soothing.

At home, when I needed a change of scenery, I could walk around my bed or sit in my closet.

This is what I do here.

Well, it looks like a nice, clean tub.

Probably because I cleaned it myself when I was there.

I have to warn you, I can't talk for long.

I don't want to run out of batteries because we have no power.

Zahid never put it in his name.

This is why you need a list.

We have a list.

He crossed it off but didn't actually do it.

I don't understand.

Why would someone check off something on a list if they hadn't done it? I have no idea.

I've asked him that a lot of times.

Well, we've got power here.

We got plenty of power.

Come home.

[SIGHS]

Maybe I should.

Yes! I'll put the sheets on your bed.

And if you hurry, you can make it in time for dinner.

I'm making ziti.

Look.

Flip.

Can you see? What's that? Are those my moving boxes? I thought you were throwing them out.

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just I haven't got around to it yet.

But there's a dumpster right in front of my building.

Well, yeah, this was easier.

It was easier to haul 600 boxes across town and stack them willy

-nilly in our house? Hi, Sam.



- Hi, Casey.



- What is this? Pile

-up

-on

-Mom Day? I just You know, I I kept them.



- I kept them just in case.



- In case what? Yeah, in case what? You didn't think I could do it.



- Hmm.



- Honey, no, that's not true.

Sorta seems like it.

Yeah, sorta seems like it, indeed.

Are you in a tub? Is he in a tub? Yes, he's in a tub with no power.

Goodbye.

For shame, lady.

For shame.

Wow.

I can't believe we're here, learning the trade.

It's exciting.

Oh, man, I hope we get some action.

You know, we spend a lot of time with each other on this job.

Sometimes it's good to just be quiet.

Okay.

Hey, how's Casey doing? Right.

Quiet.

Sorry.

She's good.

Oh yeah? Great Me too.

Y you don't have to tell her that.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Okay.

Uh, I'm gonna stop talking.

Look, I don't know anything, but I know you guys care about each other.

So whatever is happening, maybe it's time to have a talk and clear the air.

Hey, what's this button do? When you press it, it pisses me off.

Oh.

Pretty sure all the buttons do that.

[PHONE CHIMES]

[SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

You just have to have a thick skin.

You can't get all upset.

[SCOFFS]

Well, I can't help it.

I am upset.

Just to confirm, the guy dressed like bacon is gone for the day, right?

- He is.



- Good.

I'm upset because I hate living with Zahid, but I can't move back home because my mom thinks I'm gonna fail, and I have to prove her wrong.

Wait.

What's wrong with living with Zahid? Other than the fact that he's loud, messy, completely irresponsible, and basically nocturnal.

All of that and more.

He gives everything little voices.

Oh, hello, Mr.

Bowl.

You need to be washed.

[IN HIGH

-PITCHED VOICE]

Please clean me.

It's been days.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

Well, here comes Dr.

Sponge.

Diagnosis: filthy as heck.

[SAM]

He never wants to do what I want to do.



- Six a.

m.

Time for breakfast.



- No, thanks.

[SAM]

And I never want to do what he wants to do.

4:20.

Time to blaze.

No, thank you.

He buys everything in bulk.

Why do we have four bears of honey? I don't even like honey.

And he often writes very angry letters on a very loud typewriter.

[ZAHID]

"Dear Jolene's Fabrics.

" "Your glue g*ns are for sh*t.

" "I bedazzled my underpants, but the jewels came off in the wash.

" [TYPEWRITER DINGS]

[KEYS CLACKING]

Well, maybe Zahid wasn't the correct choice of roommate.

Maybe the correct choice has been right in front of you all along.

Plus he eats apples really loud, and he keeps moving the kitchen trash under the sink when obviously the best place for it is the corner of the kitchen.

Okay, I see what the problem is here, and I've got the scratch for that itch.

Look, it wasn't easy when I moved back home with my parents, Sam.

My dad is not a fan of post

-work pants.

But things got a whole lot better when I just decided to establish some ground rules.



- Rules?

- Rules.



- I thought you might like that.



- I do.



- How's my plant doing?

- I don't know.

It was making Edison's eyes water, so I left it out on the curb.

Thanks for the advice, Paige.

Hey, bud.

I felt bad about the whole power thing, so I made you some brownies, which I can do, by the way, because we now have power.



- Do these have pot in them?

- Just a skosh for flavor.

Zahid, I'm finding our living arrangement difficult, so I was hoping we could set some ground rules.

Paige has them with her parents, and she speaks very highly of them.

The rules, not her parents.

She doesn't seem to like them very much at all right now.

That's a good idea.

Living with the Z

-man is like being with a bear in its cave.

Tame me, Sammy.

Okay.

Rule number one.

Only check off the boxes when the task is completed.

Check.

For real.

Rule number two.

Stop buying in bulk.

Word.

I got that Costco card, and I got drunk with power.

Rule number three.

No loud, angry typewriter

-ing when I'm home.

I will rage alone.

It is for the best.

Is that all? Great.

Well, if anything else pops up, you let me know.

New rule.

No eating apples past eight p.

m.

What are you doing here, buddy? [IN HIGH

-PITCHED VOICE]

I don't know, but I miss the cupboard.

I fit so well under there, and I'm out of the way, and you can't smell my stinky insides.

New rule.

No making voices for inanimate objects, and stop moving the trash can.

New rule.

No apples at any time.

I can't believe I let you convince me to do this.

Oh, it'll be fun.

Or it'll terrible, which is fun in its own way.

Hey, you're new.

Welcome.

I'm Erika.

She/her.

Casey Gardner.

Those are her pronouns.

Oh, sorry, I'm dumb.

[CHUCKLES]

No worries.

Glad you're here.

Come on.

Grab a seat and make yourself comfortable.

She's nice.

You mean her nice.



- [CHUCKLES]



- Pronouns thing, okay.

I had a crush on a girl in first grade, and I was so excited.

I told my best friend.

Um, but then she said I wasn't allowed to.

I've had boyfriends, and, well, I didn't realize.

And then I got my first girlfriend, and everything felt so much more me.

[HESITATES]

I don't know if that makes sense.

It does.

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry.



- I didn't think I was gonna talk in here.



- [ALL LAUGH]

I didn't even want to come.

Now I'm making it worse.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

There she is.

How was the meeting? Great.

I just realized how different I am from people I'm supposed to relate to, but thanks for suggesting it.

Honey, what happened? Nothing.

[SIGHS]

My day was good.

Uh, your guy's doing okay.

My guy? Hey, has anyone heard from Sam? He's not returning my texts.

I can't call him your boyfriend.

What should I call him? Evan.

Call him Evan.

I mean, I think he's still mad at me, and I don't want to push, but I thought you'd wanna know he's doing good.

I mean, I didn't mean anything by the boxes.

I like to keep boxes.

I love sturdy boxes.

You guys know that.

What are you, like Daddy Matchmaker now? Are you the reason he's been texting me? No, I just said the same thing I said to you.

That's it.

So you've been talking about me.

Why are you talking about me? So I should just call him, right?

- I don't wanna be in the middle of this.



- Sounds like you already are.

["JUNGLE" BY DILLANPONDERS FT.

RUBY WATERS PLAYING]



- We're having a good parenting week.



- We are.

[WATERS]

She's been working a lot She needs to wind down Been trippin' a lot With every kind now She ain't thinking about no comedown She's on a liquor carousel And it's going 'round She's thinking 'bout the past now About the future and the present Where she at now [PONDERS]

Keeping to myself So I'm keeping the peace Facing all my problems head on Let 'em seep into me I ain't playing 'round Better watch how you're speaking to me I don't play games Baby girl, why you playing with me? Yeah, I don't play games With nobody I don't know Push through the pain They always throwin' low blows Burning down towns Put holes into the ozone Riding 'round town Whiskey got me on slow

-mo Riding through the west end When you check me But I can see through you Like an x

-ray [SONG FADES]

I'm sorry it's come to this, old friend.

[IN HIGH

-PITCHED VOICE]

Don't cut me.

You need seven pounds of cotton balls.

Ah! Ah! Ah.

Zahid, what are you doing? What is this? This is a coup.

You may notice I bought in bulk.

But the rules.

That's just it.

There's too many rules.

This is impossible.

No, you are impossible.

My rules are good.

My rules make you less terrible to live with.

Are you kidding? You're terrible to live with.

You wake me up at the cr*ck of dawn.

You don't clean your dishes, which is why I make them talk, because it's easier when they tell you.

And no offense, but your turtle smells like rotten butt.



- I thought you liked Edison.



- I do.

I love that cold

-blooded k*ller.

I started smoking with him every day at 4:20 after you refused.

I sit by his t*nk and puff.

The scritchety

-scritchety of his little nails on that warm rock is actually very soothing! Wait, you smoke by Edison? That's why his eyes are watering.

What? No, weed wouldn't do that.

Your eyes are watering right now.

Well, you

- You threw trash on the ground!

- 'Cause that's where the can should go.



- It goes under the sink!

- It doesn't make sense there.

This is too much.

[SPLUTTERING]

Just the rules, the trash

- I

- I'm gonna go sit in the tub.

Well, fine! I'll leave too! Hey, this place isn't bad.



- Where's my baby?

- Technically right here.



- Sam?

- [SAM]

In here.

[GRUNTS]

Sam.

Honey, are you okay in there? Do you have enough air? Of course.

There's a window.

It's not a submarine.

But I am feeling very stressed out.



- Cute place.



- Thank you.



- I'm gonna go look through your drawers.



- Honey, I called a locksmith.



- They should be here any minute.



- [SAM]

Okay.

Well, you were right.

I can't live on my own.

It was a terrible idea, and now here I am locked in a tub.

You know, when I was 16, my mom went into rehab.

[SAM]

Grandma? She did? Well, no one called it rehab.

[CHUCKLES]

We didn't call it that.

Everyone called it "taking a break.

" From what, I didn't know.

Me, I assumed.

And I went to live with my aunt Maddie.

And she was so sweet.

She was so well

-intentioned, honey.

She really was.

But I wasn't ready to live without my mom and I was so sad.

I developed this shell.

Honestly, I kept the boxes for me.

I'm not great with people leaving.

But you are ready.

You're ready.

And I'm sorry I made you feel like you weren't.

[CASEY]

Mom, step aside.

[ELSA]

What Casey, no!

- Casey! No!

- [SCREAMS]



- [CASEY SCREAMING]



- Stop! I said stop!

- Ah! Ah!

- Stop! Casey! [PANTING]



- [PHONE CHIMES]



- Oh, great.

Well, the locksmith's here.

That was very satisfying.

Stop being scary, Casey.



- Everything okay?

- Yeah, he's good.

I chopped his door down with an a*.

I'm gonna let you two talk.

Somebody sent us a box of crushed croissants.

Oh yeah.

They're actually they're pretty good though.

Not bad.

I'm dating Izzie.

What, y y your friend Izzie? Mm

-hmm.

Oh.

Oh? Is that a good or a bad "oh"?

- I don't know what kind of damn "oh" it is.



- Okay.

Pick right up Where we left off Does Mom know? Yeah, I think she knew before I did.

Sam? Yes.

To old routines So I'm last? I just didn't know how to You know, it's It's okay.

Oh, it's so easy

- I think I was just afraid that you'd

- Afraid that I'd what? I don't know.

See me differently? I don't know.

I don't.

What? See you differently.

You're still a pain in the ass.

[CHUCKLES]

We're streams in a river And the river will run Evan know? Yeah.

What about the mailman? You tell him too? Months ago.

So don't it feel good To come home again? [DOOR OPENS]

What happened to our door? Casey chopped it down with the Maple Syrup Swami's a*.

I probably should've anticipated that.

I got you something.

A trash can? A second trash can.

We can have one in each spot.

Smart.

Two trash cans is literally twice as good as one.

I'm sorry about all the bulk goods [SIGHS]

and for all the anger.

I know living with me can be tricky.

It's okay.

I think I kept waking you up because living on my own was more "on my own" than I expected.

Well, at least you told me when I was being annoying.

I do those stupid voices because I can't handle conflict.

I make the objects around me handle it instead.

I did not like that.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

You know, rules aren't a bad idea.

But instead of a million, can we do, like, three each?

- That sounds good.



- Great.

I'll go first.

[CLEARS THROAT]

If my eyelids are closed, please let me doze.



- Do they all have to rhyme?

- No rules on the rules.

Okay.



- Keep apple crunching to a minimum.



- Got it.

The dishes will talk if you don't wash them within one day.

Okay.

Costco purchases must be pre

-approved by both of us.

Reasonable.

All right, last ones.

Same time?

- Won't that be confusing?

- Let's find out.

One, two No smoking weed around Edison.



- Hey, samesies!

- That was your rule too? Of course! I don't want that little guy suffering.

Maybe we try again when he's 18.

[SIGHS]

I think this is gonna work.

Me too, roomie.

Weed brownie? No.



- Dance party?

- No.

Sit quietly and enjoy each other's company in silence? Sure.

Feels good.

Yeah.

I went to the party But I don't think they'd understand Difference is the truth In which you raise in your right hand I am There's no chance In your plans