02x14 - The Song Remains the Same

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "NewsRadio". Aired: March 21, 1995 –; May 4, 1999.*
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Showcases the hilarious antics of staffers at WNYX, the fictional No.2 news radio station serving New York.
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02x14 - The Song Remains the Same

Post by bunniefuu »

As the presidential campaign
heats up,

Lisa will be coordinating
all of our coverage.

Mm-hmm, and I'll have
a tentative schedule

written up for everyone
by the end of today.

Commissioner Bratton
pretaped an interview.

You'll be in charge
of editing that as well.

Got it.
Okay, great.

And possible
garbage-workers strike coming up.

That could be a big story.

I'm on top of that.

And the New Hampshire primary.
We'll need a reporter up there.

I wonder who that will be.

I'm sure
Dave will pick

the reporter
who'll do the best job...

Thank you, Bill.

In the sack with him.

Knock it off, guys.

There's absolutely
no favoritism at play here.

Then obviously
there's something

she's not doing right.

No. She does everything
just fine, thank you,

although that's not the point.

That's not the point at all.

Especially because Matthew
will be covering New Hampshire.

[NO AUDIO]

[NO AUDIO]

Two words,
sounds like...

Oh, I give up.

Can't we just
play Pictionary?

Can we, Dave?

Moving along,

a reporter from
The Wall Street Journal

will be here today
doing a story on Bill.

Whatever for?

Just a little piece
on how radio news

is the last bastion
of sophistication

in modern broadcasting.

Ha-ha!

I tried to blow a bubble
inside of a bubble

and almost
swallowed my tongue.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Which brings me
to my next point.

Let's please be on our
best behavior today, people.

Okay, Bill.

I'd like this article
to reflect

that we are the heirs

to Edward R. Murrow's
great legacy,

not the morning zoo
on K-CRAP

with Boogerman
and the g*ng.

Who's Edward Armurrow?

Well, I'm done here.

Anyone else have anything
they want to bring up?

Oh, um, I do.

Sorry to spring this
on everyone so suddenly,

but this is my last day.

Oh.

I got a really great offer

from an FM station
in Connecticut.

So... what can I say?
I'm going to miss you guys.

I think I speak for everyone
when I say you shall be missed.

Oh, thanks, Bill.

Your warmth, your humor,
and your professionalism

have made all of our loads
a little lighter

from time to time,

and, well, good luck
to you, my friend.

Thanks, Bill.

Well, goodbye,
everyone.

Bye.
So long, now.

Who the hell was that?

I have no idea.

Sorry, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Ohh!

[♪]

I thought we agreed

that I was going
to New Hampshire to cover--

I know you were kind of
expecting that assignment.

I was expecting it?
You bought me mittens.

You heard them out there.

I can't have people

thinking I make decisions
based on favoritism.

I deserve this
more than Matthew.

Look, I am not going
to be harangued

into rescinding
this directive, all right?

But you can
keep the mittens.

Well, thank you.

Now when I strangle you,
I won't leave any prints.

She's really mad, isn't she?

What have I told you
about eavesdropping?

I wasn't eavesdropping, Dave.

She kicked a chair
when she walked out, okay?

Geez, give me some credit.

All right,
I'm sorry.

Listen, can I have the mittens
if Lisa doesn't want them?

Yes, no... maybe?
Sure.

You know that guy
that quit this morning?

Uh... no, do you?

No. All right.

You remember the guy
who quit this morning?

Well, there's not much
to remember about him, Dave,

considering
I didn't even know him.

You know his desk?

I don't know him.
How will I know his desk?

Okay. The guy who quit
this morning,

his desk needs
to be cleaned out by you for me.

Speak not to me
as if a child I am, okay, Yoda?

Bill, Bill, check it out!
Check it out!

Jimmy, this is
Scott Barker

from The
Wall Street Journal.

No comment.

Bill, you got
a second?

Actually, which way
is the men's room?

Hey, what did I say?
No comment!

Right down that way.

Okay, ready to get
your mind blown?

Dave! Dave, come here.

Hey, Cathy!

Hey, Jimmy.

Sweetheart,
could you help me?

Dave just asked a question.
Kind of stumped us all,

and I was wondering
if you could help us out.

Sure, sweetie.
What is it?

Good, good.

We were wondering what
the Pacific ocean was made of.

Well...

Water.

April fool!

Ha-ha!

I've never been
so completely and totally--

There's a brand-new outfit

waiting for you
in the ladies' room.

Versace?

Ungaro.

We'll talk later.

Man, oh, Manischewitz,
do I love April Fools' Day!

Ha ha ha!

Correct me
if I'm wrong, sir,

but isn't it
February?

Yeah, yeah, but
if I waited till April,

I'd lose the element
of surprise.

Man, that was great.

It was just like that kid show
on Nickelodeon.

What show, Matthew?

Show where when every time
somebody says "water,"

water comes down on them.

I thought that was
green slime.

Dave, Dave, Dave,

you only got the green slime
if you said, "I don't know."

If you say what?

I don't know.

April fool!

Man, ain't that
a kick in the butt?

Ha ha ha!

Jimmy, this is a bad day
for April Fools.

Why's that, Bill?

That's because of
the reporter.

I don't want him to get
the wrong impression.

Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that.

If you could postpone
this for a few days,

it'd mean something to me.

Sure, Bill, I gotcha, I gotcha.

I'll postpone it
to a more propitious time.

Thank you.
That's great.

I'm lying. April fool!

I got you!

Ooh, Lord, do I love
that crazy, mixed-up day!

Welcome, my friends,
to the show that never ends.

That was
our station owner.

Very committed
to broadcasting excellence.

Good man.

You think I could get
a few words with him?

That wouldn't
be possible.

He has
Tourette's syndrome--

constant barrage
of obscenities.

Anyhoo...

Before we get started,
I'm a little thirsty.

Is there some place I could
get a drink of water?

Right this way.

Finish cleaning out
that guy's desk yet?

That guy's name
happens to be Brian, okay?

So just lay off him.

Did I miss something?

Yes, you did, Dave.

I found this
in his desk.

Oh, and this is...

It's a rose.

Technically,
I think it's just a stem.

There's a card too. Look.

Uh-huh. Let me see that.

"For Beth.

"I hope I get the courage
to give this to you.

"Love, Brian.

P.S. If I did give this to you,
disregard above."

He worked here for years

and never got the courage up
to speak to me.

Aw, that's...
that's kind of creepy, actually.

You know what,
I thought it was creepy too,

until I found this.

He had a copy
of my favorite book

in the top drawer
of his desk,

and the passages
that he underlined are my favorite parts.

Mm-hmm.

The Firm?

It's better
than the movie.

It'd have to be,
wouldn't it?

Dave, please explain these.

Are they yours?

No.

Oh, my God.
You've got me convinced.

Dave, they were obviously
meant to be a gift for me.

Could you please look up
Brian's number?

You're actually
going to call this guy?

It's not like I have
a choice, Dave. It's destiny.

I'll get you the number
when I have a chance,

but before you start
picking out baby names,

have you thought
that just maybe

this might be
one of Mr. James'

February/April Fools'
pranks?

Oh, my God.

Ohh...

And I thought...

what a cruel--
wait a minute.

But then again...

I sense you have mixed emotions
about this.

What makes you think that--

Okay. Wait a second. I get it.

You...

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Mr. James, did you put this
in that guy's desk

to make me think
he had a crush on me?

No, I did not put an old stick
or anything else in your desk

to make you think anything.

Do you swear it?
I swear.

You swear on
your tax returns?

Pick something else.

Do you swear on your list

of 21 potential
wife candidates?

It's down to 20,
now that I've found out

that sweet girl
from Saved By the Bell,

she did a dirty movie.

Okay, well, then
do you swear on that?

Yeah. I'll tell you what,

I'll go you one better.

I swear on my vow

never to buy a company
with my own money, how's that?

Okay. Thank you
very much, Mr. James.

Uh, Joseph. Joe.

What's up?

I wanted to ask you

if you might enjoy
a salted nut.

Trying to get on
the April Fools' action?

I open it,

snake flies out,
pops me in the head?

No. Nuts.
They're nuts. They...

Okay. Yeah.
How'd you know?

Just good guess.
You ought to be careful.

Sometimes they mess up
and put real can of nuts,

you know,
in with the joke can.

No, really?

Yeah. It happens.
Man, you got to double-check.

I always check myself.

Yeah...

Cool. I got
one of the good ones.

Dave, it doesn't matter
what people think.

Well, it does to me.

I think that's part
of being a good manager.

What if everybody
thought you should jump off a bridge,

would you do that?

If everyone around here thought
I should jump off a bridge,

they'd get together
and push me.

You do remember

that we're talking
about Matthew here.

Now, that is unfair.

Matthew is
perfectly competent to do the job.

Oh! So now Matthew is
more competent than I am?

I didn't say he was
more competent.

I think his talents
and abilities

have been undervalued,

and I think it's time

he had a chance to prove
himself around here.

Did you see that thing
hit me right in the face?

What an idiot.
Did you see that?

At any rate, I didn't say
"more competent."

What?

I'll never forget
what Dan Rather

once told me.

He said,
"Bill, would you--"

Hey, Bill, I thought
you might care

for a salted nut.

No, thank you, Matthew.

How about you, dear sir?
Salted nut?

Don't mind if I do.

I'm terribly sorry.

My father--
rest his soul--

d*ed of a...

nut overdose.

I'm sorry.

Don't be. He knew
what he was getting into

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, Dan Rather
once told me,

"Bill, we're journalists..."

Ohh!

Look, Beth, just because

the weird guy
had a crush on you,

he's still weird.

You don't understand.

I think we were meant
for each other.

You never even met the freak.

What about this?

A ticket stub
from Hard to k*ll?

We both went through
our Steven Seagal phases at the exact same time.

Steven Seagal!

That fat fraud's a disgrace
to the martial arts.

We know that now,

back then,
we were just crazy kids.

Honey, he may not be
as perfect as you imagine.

You know what?

You don't know him
like I do, all right?

Look what I found in
the bottom drawer of his desk.

Cigarettes.

You don't smoke.
Beth...

I know. I was pretty mad
at him for a while too,

but then I found this.

Gum.

He's trying to quit...

For me.

Beth, honey, why don't you
pack a few things,

and I'll walk you
to Bellevue after work?

Why are you trying
to tear us apart?

The guy's a freak

just for keeping
so much crap in his desk.

I know, I know.

I've got to talk to him
about being neater, and I will.

But you know what?

I'm sloppy too.

Two sloppy peas in a pod.

Do you have a minute?

Okay, we can settle this
New Hampshire thing right now.

Matthew!

Fairly and objectively.

Look, if you're hungry,
I have to be honest with you,

there's no nuts in here.
It's a joke can.

Okay, I have asked
Catherine

to write out some questions
about New Hampshire,

and I'm presenting them to you
in this sealed envelope.

Oh, this is--

Oh, and we're going to play
a little game show thing.

That's cool.
All right.

Well, then...

Lisa, I understand
you're a newswoman from New York

whose interests
include woodworking and jazzercise.

Okay, okay, okay.
Really?

All right.

Name the top six
Republican candidates.

Bob Dole,
Pat Buchanan--

[IMITATES BUZZER]

Sorry. Matthew
did buzz in first.

Bob, Pat, Steve, Lamar,
Phil, and d*ck, David.

Correct. I assume
we can take first names,

so Matthew pulls out
to an early lead.

All right.
Now, next question--

which candidate was endorsed
by the Manchester Union Leader?

Pat Buchanan.

An editorial written by whom?

What kind of
question is that?

[IMITATES BUZZER]

Yes, Matthew?

That'd be Nackey Loeb,
the editor of the paper.

Correct.

Matthew increases
his lead.

Lisa, what is Dole's lead
over Steve Forbes

in the latest poll?

35% to 20%.

[IMITATES BUZZER]

David, I'd like
to challenge.

Oh, for God's sakes! What?

Go ahead.

Well, she's talking
about the most recent Gallup poll,

but Dartmouth College
did a poll for WMUR-TV Concord yesterday

that came back 37 to 19.

Yes, well, I'm sure

the question is referring
to the Gallup poll, Matthew.

Judges?

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Ooh, sorry. Dartmouth.
We were looking for Dartmouth.

Dartmouth!

Catherine fed you
these questions, didn't she?

No.

Well, how do you know
so much about New Hampshire?

It just so happens
I have a lot of relatives who live there,

and they're always
calling me to talk

because they're shut-ins.

Final question.

What is
the Concord Coalition?

It's a coalition...

of voters...

[IMITATING CLOCK TICKING]

In Concord.

I don't know.
Ask Herb Stempel here.

[IMITATES BUZZER]

Matthew.

It's the antideficit group

that criticized Dole
for supporting tax cuts

and not having
a clear position on social security.

He's cheating!

He is. I know--
I don't know how--

In some kind of freaky,
Matthewesque way, you're doing it--

but he's cheating.

I am not.

Screw this!

Well, looks like
you win, Matthew.

Oh, great.

What do I get?

Well, you get to go
to New Hampshire to cover the primary.

Congratulations.

Why are you
doing that? What?

David, I have two cats.

So? It's just for a few days.

Try telling them that.

I don't even like
to go below 14th street.

Seriously, they'd k*ll me.

You're telling me you don't want
to go to New Hampshire

to cover the Primary

because your cats
will k*ll you?

It's called
responsibility, David.

Wake up and sniff it.

Brian, Brian,
Brian, Brian, Brian...

Hey, Beth,
how's it going?

Oh, it's amazing. Why?

Oh, I don't know.

It seems like, you know,

five hours to
dump crap into a box

is a long time.

It's not that simple, Dave.

No?

Brian and I have been having
some problems.

Oh, I'm sorry, Beth.

I had no idea--

Oh, for crying out loud!

Oh, God. Everything was going
so well until I found this.

I think he's seeing
another woman.

Are you sure
that's him?

I think so.

I mean, I don't remember
exactly what he looks like,

but there's something
about that face

that's ringing
a bell with me.

I hope you let Brian
and his desk down easily.

I'm not letting him
down at all, no, sirree,

because then
I discovered this.

What?

Well, it's torn.

"Ticketron presents...

David B..."

I figure it's either
David Byrne or David Bowie.

Either one would be fine.

You see?
He's cool. He's cool.

Dave, did you find
Brian's number yet?

No, I'll get it
as soon as I can.

Now, would you
dump this crap in a box

and get back to work.

Mr. And Mrs. Brian...

By the way, you'll be
happy to hear

that you'll be going
to New Hampshire after all.

How come Matthew's not going?

Well, apparently,
if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes,

his cats start
plotting against him.

Oh. And people say
you're whipped.

Yes, they do.

Now, I'm going to have
Beth book the tickets

to Concord for you tomorrow.

And please give
Bob Dole my regards.

I will.

Lisa's going
to new Hampshire, huh?

Yes.

She must've really
sexed you up

during your lunch break.

No, no, no, Catherine.

Dave was going
to send Matthew,

but Matthew can't go
because of his...cats.

His cats.

Actually, it was
the sexing up at lunch

that did it.

That was
a grade-A love him up.

You should be proud.

This is a situation I do not
want to hear details.

She does this thing...

Tell her that is
not what happened.

What difference
does it make,

so long as I keep getting
that good loving?

Radio broadcasting
has taught me

many a life lesson.

Perhaps one day,

I'll publish these musings
under the title

"A Journalist's Credo."

I'm sure it'll make for
some fascinating reading.

[GRUNTING]

Delivery man.

Best meatball sandwich
there is.

You know,
if I didn't know any better,

I'd swear there's been

some kind of prank w*r
going on here.

Really?

Perhaps you're not used
to the expl*sive atmosphere

of a modern radio newsroom.

Mr. McNeal, you're hovering
six feet in the air.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Oh, you mean the chair?
Yes.

I see.
It's a special radio chair.

Trade secret.
I can't explain.

I must say,
you're the most

unflappable journalist
I've ever met.

Really?

You can't fool me.

I mean, something's
going on around here,

but it's not
getting to you.

All right, I admit it.

The man who owns
this station

is something
of a practical joker.

Bill McNeal
doesn't swing that way.

Well, all I can say is

you'll make one hell
of an interesting story.

Get me a photograph,
I can get you on the front page.

Seriously?

What do you want?
I have brooding with glasses,

brooding without glasses,

happy with glasses,
happy without.

Well, send them all.

This will be great.

You're the epitome
of grace under pressure.

In these veins,
nothing but ice water.

Excuse me.

I'll give my publicist
a call

and have those photos
sent right over.

Super. Nice to meet you,
Mr. Mc Neal.

You too, Mr. James.

Yeah.

Ha ha ha!

Cretins, try as you might,

nobody makes a fool
of Bill McNeal.

Well, Bill, I got
to hand it to you, Bill,

you were like a rock.

I can't believe

you held it together
like that.

Yes, I did.

Well, I got to admit it,

I have been bested
by the master.

Hello, Jackie? McNeal.

Send all my photos over
to The Wall Street Journal.

That's right.

Oh, Mr. McNeal,
one more question.

Sure. What is it, son?

Is it warm in here?

Excuse me?

Because I'm feeling
kind of hot.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

April fool, Bill!

Yes, Jimmy, you got me.

Kudos.

Mark my words,
I'll get you back for this.

I will have my revenge!

Oh, yeah?

How you gonna
do that, Bill?

I don't know.

LISA: We're going out to dinner.
You want to come?

No, thanks.

You sure?

No. I, uh...

I'd like to be alone
with the desk for a while.

Of course. I understand.

I remember my first time
with Lisa's desk.

Hey.

I left some tax stuff--

Oh, my God.
You came back.

Yeah, those W--

Oh, Brian.

Uh, my name
isn't Brian.

Who the hell
cleaned out my desk?

[♪]
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