02x15 - Zoso

[bunniefuu]

BETH: Lisa, you're not going
to believe this.

LISA:
Well?

Guess.

Yes?

Yes!

I feel like I'm in
a home pregnancy test

commercial.

Tell him, tell him.
Okay, all right.

Dave, I think you'd better
sit down for this.

Oh.
Thank you.

Okay, it all started

when I got this
really great idea for this hat.

Hey, I think that's
how Abe Lincoln got started.

That's cool. You know what?

Anyway, I went ahead and I made
a prototype of the hat, right,

and showed it to this guy
at Loehmann's,

and he wants 5000 of them.

Show him the hat.
Show him.

Okay, all right.
Okay, don't look, okay?

All right.

Okay, hang on,
hang on.

Are you guys ready?

Ta-dah!

Ta-dah!

Dave, this is just like the hat
that guy wore

on Fat Albert
and the Cosby Kids.

Mushmouth.

No. Actually, it was Donald.

No, no. Donald is the one
that wore the little beanie.

No, no. Mushmouth wore
the red beanie with the--

Okay, now I feel like I'm in
a Quentin Tarantino film,

and I want out.

Exactly, Dave.

This is a '70s
pop culture reference.

It will sell by the truckload.

People from my generation
aren't very smart.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, you're right,
Donald was the one

who wore the hat
and talked funny.

Uh-huh. Anyway,
this guy

wants 5000 of them
in three weeks.

That is one hat
every 6.04 minutes.

Wow. It never ceases to amaze me
when you do that math thing.

Hey, square root of 137.

Oh, 11.046.

Nice.
Thank you.

Nine to the power
of 10?

Thank you, Lisa.
You know what?

I think-- Yeah. I think I hear
bearded lady and lobster boy

calling you back
to the midway.

Okay, fine.

At least I'm not dressed
like a trapeze artist.

You know what, Dave?

Today,
I'm just Beth the secretary.

Tomorrow,
I will be the president and CEO

of Hats by Beth, Incorporated.

Which reminds me, I should get
the stationery printed up.

That isn't how
you start up a new business.

I mean, do you have
a business plan?

Well, no,
but I've got hustle, Dave.

Doesn't that count
for anything?

Sure, on 42nd Street.

I just don't know
that the market is clamoring

for a Mushmouth hat.

First of all, Dave,

we're not going to be
selling them at markets,

and second of all,
it's a Donald hat.

Where's the Mushmouth hat?

It's a Donald hat.

Joe's right behind me.

I want to play
a quick trick on him.

The eye holes
go in the front.

You have
to turn it around.

Oh, wait. Oh, hey.

IMITATING FAT ALBERT:
Hey, hey, hey! It's Fat Albert!

I said,
my name is Fat Albert!

Joe?

That's very funny, Matthew.

Now, why don't you do a little
Amos 'n Andy for me, huh?

IMITATING AMOS 'N ANDY:
I say, I say, Kingfisher...

Matthew.

Yeah?

You know what I have
to do, don't you?

Yes I do. Go ahead.

[♪]

Hey.
Hi.

How you doing?
Good.

Um, but actually,
I wanted to talk business.

Great. Let's talk.

Okay. I want a raise.

Okay. All right, all right.

Look, we have to be very careful
about this sort of thing.

All right, we have to keep
a very strict separation

of Lisa the employee
and Lisa the girlfriend,

all right?

All right?
All right.

Would you like me to send
Lisa the girlfriend out

and have her bring
Lisa the employee in?

Yes. I think that would be
a very good way to handle this.

Okay.

Hi, Dave.

Hey, Lisa. What's on your mind?

I'd like a raise.
No.

That was mean.

I know. Dave the boss
can be such a jerk.

It's always the budget
with him.

But Dave the boyfriend
is all about love.

What about Dave the doofus

that talks about himself
in the third person?

Tell you what. I'll have a word
with Dave the boss,

but his hands are tied.

Oh. You know, I was thinking
about trying that

with Dave the boyfriend
sometime.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

But now I'm starting
to think

that Dave the boss
and Dave the boyfriend

might make
a better couple.

Well, they have had
their tender moments.

All right,
listen up, everyone.

I've got a little problem.

My girlfriend's
coming up to the office.

You don't have
a girlfriend.

Yes, I do. Anyway,
she's coming up to the office--

Since when?

Almost two weeks now!

You didn't tell me.

Got to tell Joe.

Well, look,
she'll be here around lunch,

and I need you all to...
You know, play along.

What do you mean,
"play along"?

You know,
just follow my lead.

Follow your lead how?

Look, she thinks
I'm British, okay?

What?

Why does she think
you're British?

It was at this party.

She overheard me
talking about radio.

She thought I was saying,
"righty-o."

She asked me if I was British,
and I said,

"Does a vicar eat mutton?"

Well, Bill, honey,

why didn't you just
correct yourself?

Because I didn't want to look
like an idiot.

Oh, and now two weeks
have gone by!

And it has been the happiest
fortnight of my life...

Except for
all the Benny Hill tapes

I've had to watch
to keep my accent up.

Well, hasn't she ever heard you
on the radio?

I told her I fake
an American accent

when I broadcast.
Aww!

Look, this is embarrassing.
Help me out!

I'm not helping you
with nothing.

You didn't tell me about her.
Joe!

Well, I know in England
they use pounds, not dollars.

Oh, thanks,
Matthew.

They call
an elevator a lift.

Silly people,
aren't they?

And they call
a flashlight a torch.

Yeah, and what
do they call a torch?

You see, sir,

it's based on a TV show
from the '70s, which has--

Please, Beth.

I'm not an idiot.

I know a Mushmouth hat
when I see one.

IMITATING MUSHMOUTH:
How-ba-you-ba-do-ba, Fat Albert-a?

It's actually a Donald hat.

Well, apparently,
you didn't see the episode

where Mushmouth stole
Donald's hat.

Taught us all a lesson

about respecting each other's
property.

Anyways, sir,

I have a meeting with this guy
from the garment industry today

about manufacturing the hat.

Okay, so apparently,
you're telling me

you need a crash course
in the forbidden secrets

of the lost art
of negotiation.

Exactly.
All right.

Do you mind if I sit in, sir?

No. That's fine, but--

Here, have a seat.

We're liable to go through
the looking glass on this one,

people,

and I want you all
to promise me

that you will use
this information

only for good.

Never for evil.

Scout's honor.
I promise.

Great. Do you have a pencil,
sir, so I can--

No.

The art of negotiation
dates back to the days

when man was a hunter,
a gatherer...

Marauding bands of nomads
frequently, uh...

Frequently raided
the, uh, primitive tribes

of the weaker people.

Okay.

You're meeting with the hat guy.
Right.

All right, you tell him you want
X number of units

for Y dollars by date Z,

and then you...

Then I burst into tears

and cry like a baby
till I get what I want?

No.

Are you sure?

Because that always used to work
with my father.

No, no, no.

All right, here's what you do.

What you do is
you say nothing.

That's right. You just
stare at the guy.

You let him
say something.

Force him to make
the next move.

Okay, so I make my demand
and then I stare.

That's right.
You stare like this.

Okay, you're creeping me out.

You know what?
I can't do this.

I'm not good
at stare contests.

Here's, uh,
here's the secret.

That's my h--

You don't actually
look them in the eyes.

You stare at the center
of his forehead.

He'll never know
the difference.

Wow. That's cool, sir.

Yes, it is, which leads me
directly to the--

Sir, could you just...
I'm sorry.

Leads me directly
to the second secret,

which is never do business
with a cyclops.

A little secret
of negotiation humor,

as it were.

Where you going, Lisa?
I'll be right back.

Hey.
Hey.

I'm going to have to see
that Molinari piece

before it goes to air, okay?

Uh, yeah. You
read that yesterday.

But as long as we're having
a business discussion...

Yes?

I want a raise.

I told you, I can't do it.

I mean, I'll look
at the budget if you want,

but I really
don't think--

Is there something
on my forehead?

No.

Well, then, why are you
staring at it like that?

I'm not.

Are you sure?
Did I get it?

Was it ink?

No, Dave. There's nothing there.
I promise.

Now, about that raise...

I've got to go wash my face.

Okay, go on, go on.
Secret number two.

All right, all right.
Secret number two.

The secret of negotiating,
number two.

Always answer a question
with a question.

You know,
whatever that guy says,

you turn it around on him.
Okay? Is that clear?

Why would you
want to do that?

Well, because-- Hey!

Excellent.

Boy, she's a quick one,
isn't she?

Who's a quick one?

Beth.

Well, yeah. I know.

I was just doing
that thing.

I was answering a question
with a question.

Yeah, I guess. Anyway--

High five.
That was great.

That's secret number two.

What are you guys doing
in there?

What does it look like
we're doing in there?

What?

What what?

Is this
about the raise?

Is what about the raise?

Why are you answering
every question with a question?

Why not?

You got me stumped.
Congratulations.

Thank you.

I mean, I just have to
tell her the truth, right?

Yeah, but if she likes me,
she likes me for who I am,

not for where I'm from
or what I--

BRITISH ACCENT: Hello, lovey.

This is Catherine.

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

And my mate, Joe.

Hey. How are you doing?
Hello.

Here's old Matthew,

a stand-up bloke
if there ever was one.

BRITISH ACCENT:
Howdy do, guv'nor?

What's all this, then?

My name's Matthew.

Cheers.

Hey, Linda.

Would you like
to get a cup of coffee?

Right! Throw another
shrimp on the barbie

for the wee lassie!

What the hell
are you doing?

You said we're all supposed
to pretend we're British.

No. We're supposed
to pretend I'm British.

Cut it out!

It's a little late
for that, isn't it, Bill?

BRITISH ACCENT:
So, Linda,

how long have you
and Lord Mac of Neal

been shagging?

Uh, uh, Joe, don't you
and Matthew have something

you have
to take care of?

CUBAN ACCENT:
Hey, you hungry, man?

Let's go get
something to eat.

Some enchilada,
chimichanga... Come on.

Why are you talking
like that?

I mean, uh...

[SPEAKS SPANISH
USING BRITISH ACCENT]

...old chap.

Joe, please?

Come on, man.

Right, right.
Pip pip, then. Cheerio.

Say goodbye to the bad guy.

I've never seen those people
before in my life.

If you really care
about this Linda,

you've got to tell her
you're not British

as soon as possible.

What if she gets mad?

Well, you'll just
have to deal with that.

What are you afraid of?

That she'll never
want to see me again.

Linda's a very special
woman, Dave.

How so?

She's the first woman
I've ever been with

who knows the real me.

She thinks you're English.

Come on.
Haven't you ever lied to Lisa?

No.
Never?

Never.

Never?

Never. Okay,
there was one time.

When we first
went out,

Lisa said
her favorite movie

was Persona
by Ingmar Bergman,

and I told her
it was mine too.

What is your favorite movie?

Logan's Run.

Good flick.

Isn't it? Yeah.

I think that's some of
Farrah Fawcett's finest work.

I agree.

You know, Bill,
I think deep down

you really want to tell her
the truth.

How can you tell?

Well, it's like that scene
in Logan's Run where the guy--

You're right. I'll tell her.

I can't believe
I'm making moral choices

based on a B movie.

Excuse me?

Well, welcome to Squaresville.
Population: one.

Mr. James said I had to dress
more conservatively

for my business meeting.

Uh-huh. So you got
a whole new wardrobe?

No, actually, I borrowed them
from a friend.

Mm-hmm?

Okay, you can
have the raise,

but you got to promise
to dress like that every day.

It's not funny, Dave.

Do you have a shirt
I can borrow?

I'd trade clothes
with you,

but I don't know
if I can get into that skirt.

If you don't give me
a shirt right now,

you are never getting
into this skirt again.

Okay, you know what?

Just...
Let's forget the raise.

Can you just please
give me an advance on my salary?

How much?
$3200.

What for?

That's not relevant.

Yeah, but $3200? What do you
need all that money for?

Because I just--
I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, God. I get it.

You're going to sell your body
for cr*ck, aren't you?

Beth, I don't know how
you do this every day.

I feel naked.

I know. Isn't it great?

Beth!

Beth, come on,
let's go.

Negotiation
secret number seven:

the early bird...

Gets the worm.

No. Gets the other bird's
throat ripped out faster.

So you're going too, sir?

Yeah, just for
moral support.

I'm not going
to say a word.

Now, Beth, remember,
when the going gets tough...

The tough get going?

Hey, that's great.

I've got to remember that.
Come on.

Hello? Oh, hi.

[GREETINGS IN ITALIAN]

I have a 4:40 appointment
with Don Green.

Well, thank you.
Thank you so much.

Don Green. Thanks.
Thanks a lot.

Beth...

Yes?

You didn't tell me
it was Don Green.

Why? Is that a problem?

Yeah, it could be a problem.

Don Green... Don Green is--
I don't know how to put this.

Don Green is a little
out of your league, all right?

So why don't you let me
handle the negotiations?

Why would I let you
handle the negotiations?

Beth, don't do this to me.

Why wouldn't I do this?

Beth...
I feel ready.

Good afternoon,
Miss, uh...

Oh, hi. Just Beth.

Who's this?

Oh, hello, Mr. Green.

Am I talking to you
or listening to him?

Oh, yeah, that
was con-- I'm sorry.

Excuse us
for a second.

Just sit quietly,
Mr. James.

So, uh, what are we talking
about here?

We're talking about making hats
here, sir.

I'm new at this.

You know it and I know it,

but I am not going to be
jerked around.

JIMMY: You know what?

I think this was some sort
of mix-up here, really.

Something wrong
with my forehead?

Joey, a little
tissue here.

What's the specifics here?

What do you think
the specifics are?

Why don't you tell me?

Why don't I?

Look, I don't have time
for games.

What are we talking about here?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

...Mushmouth...

Weird Harold?

...Donald!

It's a Donald hat.
There you go.

What do you want from me?

What do you want me
to want from you?

Look, you come in here,

you stare
at my forehead,

you answer my questions
with questions...

and quite honestly,
your negotiating style

leaves a lot to be desired.

I don't have time for this.
I'm a busy man.

[SOBBING AND BABBLING]

Beth...

Oh, please don't cry.

No, no, no,
please don't cry.

It's all right.

It's all right.
Don't worry.

Give her a Kleenex here.
Take care of her.

Oh, thank you.

Whatever you want,
we'll make it work.

This is my dream.

My mother
loved hats.

Whatever
you want.

Hey, how'd it go?

Great. He tried to play
a little hardball.

But he was not in my league.
I b*at him down.

Hey. Congratulations.
Thank you.

Give me back my clothes.

Later. Lisa,
please, please.

I want to ask Beth something,
okay? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Beth, I've got a meeting

with the Lockheed people
later today.

You think you could you teach me
that crying thing?

For a hundred big ones, sir.

Fifty.
Ninety.

Seventy-five.

[SOBBING AND BABBLING]

Okay, 100, 100.

Okay, great.
All right.

Okay, listen.

Now, what's the saddest
movie you've seen?

Wall Street, where that guy
loses all the money.

Okay, Dave. No more tricks.
No more negotiations.

Could you just please
give me the money?

$3200 bucks, huh?
Yes.

What's it for?
I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, come on.
Is it plastic surgery?

No. Of course not.

And what would I need
plastic surgery on?

It was just a guess.
My chin?

Yes, you think my chin
is too pointy. Don't lie.

Okay, come on. You can have the
money, you can have the money,

all right?

Thank you.

No problem, and you don't have
to tell me what it's for.

All right?
Well, thank you.

I understand
if you don't feel

this is something
you can share with me.

Well, thank you.

And I thought we'd sort of
developed a level of trust,

but I guess
we haven't.

I don't know.

Maybe I've just,
in my head,

exaggerated the whole meaning
of our relationship.

This is so unfair.

I know,
but it's kind of fun.

And come on,
my back's against the wall.

I've got to use every card
I've got.

Okay, fine. Fine.

My ex-boyfriend Stewart...

Uh-huh.

He's in a band,

and the band needs to borrow
some money

to record a song,
and this will be it.

This will sever all ties
for good.

That's not so bad.

No.

Thank you.

What's the song?

What?

The song they're recording.
What is it?

Oh, I--
I'm not sure. I don't know.

Well, what's it called?

"Come Back, Lisa."

What?

"Come Back, Lisa."

Huh. Okay.

Okay. Well, thank you.

Would you mind
singing a bit?

What?

Would you mind just singing
a little bit of the song?

No, I'm not going to singing it.

Just sing a little bit for me.
Please? No. I'm not--

Just sing a little bit.
I can cancel the check.

I hate you.

All right, it--

♪ Come back, Lisa ♪

♪ You little love k*ller ♪

♪ Come back, Lisa
Lisa Miller ♪

You're just doing this
to humiliate me.

Yes. Continue.

All right.
Never mind.

It doesn't mean anything.
It's just a song.

I'm trying
to be jealous,

but it's just
so damn silly.

Well, thank you,
thank you.

Thank you for rubbing it in
as much as humanly possible.

Don't worry about it.
My ex-girlfriend?

In a jug band.

Come back, Lisa.

What?

I'm sorry. I was just singing.
It's very catchy.

BRITISH ACCENT:
Listen, Linda.

There's something
I must tell you,

something that might come
as a bit of a shock to you.

Really?

Me too.

Oh?

I think I'm falling
in love with you, Bill McNeal.

So, what's your news?

Mum and Dad are in town,

and I'd love you to join us
for dinner at Le Cirque.

I'll fetch my coat.

Bill, I thought you were
going to tell her.

I have bigger things
to worry about now. Like what?

Like finding two elderly
British people

who haven't had dinner yet!

[♪]