02x19 - Presence

[bunniefuu]

The photocopier
should be repaired some time this afternoon.

Apparently, somebody tried
to photocopy a mirror.

That was me, Dave,

and it was actually
reflective sunglasses.

I was trying to prove
a theory involving the fifth dimension.

Well, Agent Scully,

you nearly shorted out
the entire building.

And, uh, somebody's
been going through the recycling bin.

Me.

I'm trying to find

that winning can
for that contest.

That contest ended
during the Super Bowl.

The super what?

Does anybody else
have anything?

Quite frankly,
I'm still very upset

about you and Lisa's breakup.

Well, Matthew,
this is hardly the forum

to discuss
our relationship.

Oh, really, David?

Then what is
the right forum?

Penthouse forum.

Shut up, Joe.

DAVE: Yeah.

Seriously, are you guys thinking

about maybe
getting back together?

Matthew.

Delivery for Dave Nelson
from Mr. James.

Oh, right here.

Why'd you order
a new mixing board?

I didn't.

Did Mr. James mention
this to anyone else,

or has Colonel Kurtz
gone up river again?

The A.M. Radio convention's
in town.

Oh, the poker game!

The A.M. Poker game.

Poker game.
Ew.

Lord, help us all.

Well, what--
what poker game?

Every year
at the convention,

Jimmy and all the other
rich station owners

play poker for parts
of each others' stations.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Oh, yo. WNYX.

Oh, hey, Mr. James,
how you doing?

Yeah, sir,
we just got it.

Uh, yes, sir,

you are the original
seven-card stud, sir.

Ask him how he's doing.

You lost what?

Oh, what did he--
what did he lose?

Uh...yeah, yeah.
They just took it, sir.

Okay, I'll tell them.

Guys, he's going
to win it back in the next hand.

Well, what are we supposed
to do until then,

go without coffee
and snacks

like wild animals
in some sort of police state?

Yeah!

Joseph, what's this doing
on my desk? Joe?

Uh, sorry, man.

I couldn't figure out
anyplace else to put it.

Well, I've got a lot
of work to do today,

so if you
could move-- Joe.

At least give me a hand
with this thing.

Whoa! Aah!

Stay still, now.

Don't you spray me
with that, Joseph.

All right.

Okay, okay, spray me.

[♪]

Oh, baby.

Hey, did you win

the coffee machine
back yet, sir?

How you doing, Dave?

Did you win
the coffee machine back yet, sir?

What happened, Jimmy?

Yeah, what happened?

Did you win
the coffee machine back yet, sir?

I'm so sorry, Cathy.

I was so sure
he was bluffing.

I matched him
raise for raise.

I was so sure,
so sure he was bluffing.

Let me guess,
he wasn't bluffing.

No, he was.

He still had a better hand
than mine, though.

Any coffee?

Anyway, I'm going
right back to the game,

bet as much as I can,
try to get everything back.

How much
have you lost?

Let's just say
I'm way behind on this one.

Thank you, sweetheart.

What the hell is that?

That's Matthew's
herbal tea.

It's a natural diuretic.

I wanted coffee.

Well, there isn't any.

Look, Jimmy, if you need
some good luck,

then let me
help you out.

What, monkey paw?

Cathy, that's bad hoodoo.

It's a rabbit's foot.

Ooh, that's good hoodoo.

My good luck
rubber band.

You wear it around
your left ankle,

you touch it with
your right hand seven times.

Okay, thanks.

James, cards are not
a game of luck.

They're a game
of strategies, statistics,

probability,
and money management.

Lucky tic-tacs. Keep them
in your right pocket.

When you need good luck,
you move them

to the left pocket,
rub them five times.

Five times.
Good luck pencil.

Before you meet
anyone new,

you touch it
to your forehead 12 times.

Beth, are these
good luck charms,

or just some bizarre
obsessive-compulsive disorder?

Beth?

What? Sorry, I was
counting my eyebrows.

Anybody else have
any good luck charms I can borrow?

Oh, this is
my lucky haircut.

Thank you, Matthew.

Can't have it,
but you could rub it.

I'm not going
to rub it, Matthew.

Okay, Mr. James,
here's my good luck ring.

Oh, what can I do
with that?

You wear it around
your middle finger.

You turn it
a quarter of a turn counterclockwise

every 15 minutes.

All right. What if
I forget to turn it?

My mother dies.

Beth, I'm under
enough pressure as it is.

Why don't you
just keep it, okay?

[RING DROPS]

Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.

Okay.

For the last time,

I did not tell Bill

anything about
our former sex life.

All right. Then why
on two separate occasions

has he made veiled references

to me having
some sort of sexual dysfunction?

You don't have
a sexual dysfunction.

I know, so why did you
tell him I did?

I didn't tell him
because you don't.

Is this just another
of your fibs?

Listen, I promise you.
I did not tell--

Oh.

What?

You know,
remember that one time

when you had
that little problem?

Oh, yeah, but wait a minute.
That was just because

when we were doing it
you called me Stewart.

I did not say, "Stewart."

I said "Stalwart."

Which in and of itself
would be weird enough.

Dave, you are so totally
and completely--

Paranoid.

See?

But then again,
you do lie a lot.

May God take pity
on both of you.

Look--
Look--

But for right now,

someone should talk
to Mr. James

because he seems upset.

Okay. Fine.

I'll take care of it.

BOTH: I'll take care of it.

Oh, my God.

I did say, "Stalwart."

Oh, well, thank you.

You know, you're quite
a noble lover yourself.

Mr. James,
are you all right?

It's even worse
than I told you guys.

What'd you lose,
a million? Two million?

If anyone can afford it,
you can. Am I right?

Pass the salt, please.

No, I lost something
even more valuable.

Three million?
Salt, please.

Four Million? Salt.

Not the antenna, sir.

Pleas tell me
you didn't--

No. Bill.

What?

Bill.
Right here.

I don't think
you're understanding me.

I lost Bill.

I bet him in a poker game,
and I lost him

to station WTSB in Atlanta.

You lost Bill
in a poker game?

I'm afraid I did.

What else could've possibly
been in the pot?

DBX console.

[GASPS]

Let me get
this straight.

You bet me against
a DBX console?

A DBX console!
This is outrageous!

A DBX console
is worth $2 million.

Really?
Mm.

Sir, regardless of
the value of the console,

you cannot bet

another human being
in a poker game.

You certainly cannot!

I'm afraid
in this case I can.

Check your contract.

Wait a minute.
You carry your contract around?

At a time like this,

it doesn't seem
quite so crazy, does it?

Page 15, article 4,
paragraph 1.

"Contract transferable
to third party

"in case of sale, merger,
corporate restructuring,

liquidation, bankruptcy,
and/or Act of God."

It doesn't say anything--

Read your
Act of God clause.

End of the page.

"Jimmy James
will hereafter

"and for the purposes
of this contract only

be referred to as God."

Sir, can I see you
in my office?

Yeah.

Lisa, I can handle this.

Right.

Mr. James.

Now, betting a mixing board
is one thing,

but betting a human being

is just wrong.

We come from
two different worlds, Lisa.

You need a whole other roadmap
to get around in mine.

And what the hell am I doing
sitting here?

I got to go win him back.

Absolutely not.

No. She's right.
I'll go.

You'll go?

Yeah, yeah.
I walked away

with more than
a few pots in college.

What's the biggest pot
you ever won?

Let's just say
it was tidy sum.

Come on, come on.
How much?

$20 in nickels...

That's a quarter keg
in college terms.

Dave, can you tell me the odds

of getting five of a kind
in the same suit?

Well, that would be
1 in, uh...

504.8.

Wow!
Is it right?

I have no idea.

There's also the issue
of the poker face.

You've got to be pretty cool
under pressure in there.

Oh, that's right, that's right.
Poker face.

Uh, Lisa...

how are you and Dave
doing now?

Very well.
Thank you for asking.

Dave, is that so?

Yes.

No contest.
Lisa's a much better liar.

You don't know
the half-- Hey, hey!

Beth, is there
any coffee?

Bill, I think
you're overreacting.

No, I'm not. I know
when I'm not wanted.

Then why haven't you
ever left before?

Here. This stapler
is yours.

I stole it two years ago

and scratched
your name off it.

I apologize.

Bill, you're not
really leaving, are you?

Yes, I am. And while I'm
settling things up, Beth,

I've always
meant to tell you

that in a simpler world

I think I could've
loved you.

But ours is not
a simple world.

Also, I stole
this hole-punch

from you last year.

Here you go.

I know I ask you this every day,
but this time I mean it.

Have you gone
completely insane?

I'm just doing
a little unloading.

It's good for the soul.

Matthew!

Over here.

What's--

What is it, Bill?

I know I've played
my share

of mean tricks on you
over the years...

That's not true.

It is.

It is. I'm sure you can
remember something I've done

that's hurt you
in the past.

Well, the time you told
the whole office I had lice,

that wasn't very nice.

I was only trying
to toughen you up

for that cruel world
out there,

where a person like you
is easy prey

for those of us
who are stronger and smarter.

Thanks.

Feel free to go
through my desk later

and see if any
of that crap is yours.

I've been ripping
you off for years.

Oh, Matthew.
Yeah, yeah?

Bill, that's sweet.

Thank you.

Hey, you. Yeah, you.

I know you probably think

I've never even noticed
your existence,

but in all actuality,

your braying laugh

and noxious cologne
have annoyed me

since the day you first
set foot in this office.

I don't work here.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were
someone else.

Okay, so you know
the opponents...

Check.

You know the odds...

Check.

And you know
the stakes. Check.

Now, how do you
play poker?

Well, come on,
how hard can it be?

I'm a very quick study.

All right,
the game of poker

is played with
a set of 52 cards.

Which is called "a deck."

Which is called
"a deck."

Because...
Because...

I have no idea why.

Me neither.
Do you know why--

Guys, you have exactly
nine minutes

to teach me everything
I need to know about poker.

Okay, okay, okay.

The ancient art of poker,
or poquere,

dates back to the medieval days

when mighty druids
roamed the earth.

Sir, I suggest
we jump ahead a few centuries.

Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea.

In the future, poker--
or "space poker" as perhaps it will be called--

Maybe not quite
that far, sir.

Okay. You know,
I'm a little rattled.

Is there any coffee?

No.

Would you please
tell me the rules?

All right. The hands in poker
are as follows,

in ascending order--
high card, pair, two pair,

three of a kind,
straight, flush, full house--

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Flush beats a straight?

Yes.

Oh.

Full house, four of a kind--

Suits matter?

No. We usually
dress pretty casual.

I think she means
hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades.

"Always after
me lucky charms."

Sorry.

Whoa.

All right. You'll be dealt
five cards face down.

Hey. Check these out.

Okay, I will be dealt
five cards, face down.

Check them out.
They're marked.

Say, are you serious?

If they're marked,
they're pretty damn good.

Let me see.

Okay, all right, what card
am I holding up right now?

Five of hearts.

Hello.

Well, now we know
why Roy Orbison

was such a good
poker player.

Joe, how do
these things work?

I painted the numbers
on the back of them

using invisible dye.

Cool. What kind
of dye is it?

Just some low-level
radioactive solution.

It gives cancer to rats.
You're not a rat, right?

I was always intimidated
by your talent.

Your bizarre behavior
often frightened me.

You, I've already dealt with.

I get the feeling
you never really liked me.

You still owe me
35 bucks.

Oh, and, uh...

These are yours.

Bill!

Bill!

We'll learn the rest
in the cab. Let's go.

Sure you don't want
to just cheat?

Absolutely.

All right, well, here.
Take this.

This is my good-luck charm.

That's Boba Fett.

Intergalactic bounty hunter

featured in Empire Strikes Back
and Return of the Jedi.

Yeah. How do you know that?

Just one of the many
fascinating tidbits you pick up

when you date Dave.

Hey, Joe. What up?

What's up, man?
Check these out.

Whoa.

Uh-huh-huh.

Whoa-ho-ho.

Oh, man.

Hey.
Hey.

How you doing?

Hey, Jimmy!

Hey, everybody,
how you doing?

I want you to meet
a couple friends of mine.

This is Dave and Lisa.

This is Frank.
He's very rich.

Bob. He's rich also.

Charlie owns half
of Rhode Island,

and Stan the man
owns the other half.

I'm as rich
as a chocolate éclair.

You know what, gentlemen,

I'm going to have to play
by proxy tonight.

I hope that's okay
with everybody.

Hey, lose anyway you like.

Good, good. Lisa?

All right, gentlemen,
shall we begin?

Straight poker.
Nothing wild.

Hey, Boba Fett.

What the hell's that?

The intergalactic
bounty hunter

who attracted Hans solo
to the cloud city of...

Ta-dah!
Fancy free hotel room.

Beth, won't we be in
a little bit of trouble

when Dave sees you've
charged this hotel room

to the station?

Catherine,
we are on a mission.

If winning back
Bill McNeal

is not official business,

I don't know what is.

Oh. Nice work.

Thank you.

And where in the world
did you find a camera

small enough to fit inside
the Boba Fett doll?

I made it.

Where'd you
get the parts, Joey?

I made them.

Now, if Lisa would
just move the Boba-cam

a little to the left.

there we go.

Gentlemen,
I have you now.

Can you see any cards
or what?

All right. She's dealing
the cards.

I see their cards--
hang on.

Free hotel room!
Free hotel room!

First time
in a hotel, huh, Beth?

Whoo-whoo!

Here we go, here we go!
I see the cards.

Lisa just dealt
the guy next to her two pairs,

aces and 6s.

Now, how exactly do we
use this information to our advantage?

I'll see you...

and I'll raise
the WNYX news van

I won from Jimmy last year.

Hello, room service.

Oh, what
a lovely evening.

[CLATTERING]
Whoops. Sorry!

First day
on the job.

Anyway, just wanted
to confirm an order.

Uh, someone had the, uh...

Let me get this straight.

Someone ordered two pears...

The King Crab platter...

and the Jack Cheese casserole.

This woman
is not from room service.

She's a friend of mine
trying to cheat,

and thank you, Beth, for
telling everyone my hand.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Nice try, Lucy,
but I think Ricky's

waiting for you
down at the Tropicana.

Thank you.

David Mirsky,
accounts receivable.

David...

I always liked
the way you dress.

I stole these pencils
from you back in 1988.

Carol Yanow,

promotions.

Carol...

I found you
incredibly attractive...

but everyone
said you were crazy.

I believe these pliers
are yours.

Bonnie Taylor,
promotions.

For years,
I thought your name was Lonnie.

Now I know it's Bonnie.

Here's your thesaurus.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Ladies, can you
keep it down, please?

DAVE: Sorry. Sorry.

I mean, she calls me
paranoid,

but I still say
a lie is a lie.

The only reason
she lied to you

is because she didn't want you
to get upset.

All women
have their secrets.

You've just got to get
comfortable with that.

Take me,
for instance.

I had a threesome
with a congressman and his wife.

Now, that's my little secret.

Which one?

See? There you go again.

David, you've got
to learn to stop asking so many questions.

I mean, I know
it's not Barney Frank.

What are you
watching now, Joe?

Hogan's Heroes.

Got a TV tuner

hooked up
to this thing too.

Ha-ha. Klink.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, come on in!

Did someone
call for a massage?

Oh, yes.

Over here, baby.

Lou, Ralph. This way.

Over there, baby.

Right there.

Your bet.

What's in the pot?

Ahem. Two mixing boards,

three photocopiers,

a news van
with a satellite uplink,

Bill McNeal,
and a 50-watt tower.

[WHISPERS SOFTLY]

A coffee maker?

Oh, yeah.

Coffee maker.

Well, there's
not much left to bet, is there?

No, there isn't.

Okay.

I bet WNYX's
news director.

Uh, look, would you
excuse us for just a minute?

Lisa, come here.

Dave.

Just because
we split up,

that does not give you
the right to banish me with Bill.

Dave, I am
playing poker.

Don't blow it for me.

Are you bluffing?

I'm not telling you
anything.

Yeah, well,
that's nothing new.

Just tell me.
Are you bluffing? Just tell me.

All right, all right,

but when I tell you,
don't react at all.

I won't.

Okay.

I have four jacks.

Fine.

Fine.

I'm out.

You take it.

Yes.

Ooh. Yeah.

Four of a kind?

Yes.
Maybe.

Maybe!
Maybe.

It's none
of your business.

Uh, nice playing with you.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

Ahem.

So, uh...

I guess, uh,

Boba Fett was lucky
after all, huh?

Ah. Luck had nothing
to do with it.

[SCREAMS]

So...

Four jacks, huh?

Four jacks.

Wow. Really.

Mm-hmm.

Four jacks...
Did you really have four jacks?

Oh, come on.

Come on, I really
need to know.

I knew it.
Just tell me.

Dave.

What?

If you really
can't trust me,

the cards
are right there.

A pair of sixes!

You bet me
on a pair of sixes?

[MUMBLES]

You just had to look,
didn't you?

Oh, come on. Sixes!
I mean, sixes.

Look, if you're not busy,

maybe you and me
could do something.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure.
That would be great.

That would be great.
Good.

I'll just have to call in
your credit card

for pre-approval before
we get started, okay?

You know, um,

it suddenly,
occurs to me

that there are
a number of things

I really have
to get to,

but thank you,
and good night.

Good night, pumpkin.

Thanks again, Lisa.
I knew you'd win me back.

Never had a moment's doubt.

Still, it wasn't until

I thought I was leaving
this place

that I realized
how much I'd miss it.

Great.
See you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.