03x03 - Massage Chair

[bunniefuu]

Yo, Joe?
[DRILLING]

Yeah?
When you gonna fix my phone?

In a minute.
I'm kinda busy.

Okay, it's an emergency
though,

because it rings,
but every time I pick it up,

the line is totally dead.
Yeah.

There's no
incoming calls.

We're losing them all.
And I can't dial out.

Sounds like you should
call the manufacturer.

You know,
I would do that, Joe,

but as per
my previous remarks,

[LIKE RECORDED VOICE]
I can't even dial out.

Mm.

That sucks
for you, huh?

I'm busy. I got a lotta
stuff I gotta do, okay?

What are you do--?
Hey, Catherine. How you doing?

Look, I fixed
your desk.

Yeah, great.
Thanks, Joe.

What was wrong with it?

Well, you know how sometimes
you wanna open up your drawer,

but you just don't have time
to reach over and do it by hand?

Well, check
this out.

[WHIRS]

Well, that's very...

weird.

But thank you.

You're welcome.

You're fixing Catherine's desk
because you like her.

Shut up.
Ha...

You have a crush
on Catherine.

[GIGGLES]

You love her.

[LAUGHS]

You lo-o-ove her.

I don't lo-o-ove anybody.

Maybe if I fix
Catherine's desk,

she'll marry me.

And then we can have little
Catherine and Joe babies,

and they can run around
fixing things.

Oh, you're a freak.
Oh, thanks again, Joe.

What do I owe you?
Uh, depends on what you got.

What?

Well, you know,
I was just thinking,

maybe sometime you and I

could, uh, get together
and, uh, have...

you know...

Dinner?

Sex.

Then I'll take that
as a maybe.

Hm.

Oh, thumbtacks.

Oh, oh, oh.

[♪]

I'm sorry, Dave,
but a budget

is a budget
is a budget,

to paraphrase, uh--
Gertrude Stein.

What?
Yeah-- "A rose is a rose is a rose."

That's very pretty, Dave.

Can we get back to the budget?

I mean, we are way,
way over budget.

I know.
I know, sir.

Now, I gotta cut somewhere.
I know.

It seems to me
the obvious cut--

I know, I know.

Cut out the free snacks
for the break room.

The sad fact is,

WNYX is the only
division of Jimmy James, Inc.

that was in the red
last year.

I know, but surely
the other divisions

earn enough money
that it evens out.

No, that's not how it works.

No? Well,
how does it work? Well...

Look at Disney.

You know,
if Hunchback of Notre Dame

was running a deficit,

you think Mickey Mouse
would jump in there

and bail him out?

Hell no.

Well, what about
Scrooge McDuck?

He's the one
with all the money.

No. No, no, no, no.
Ducks, uh...

Ducks hate hunchbacks.

So I assume they're just
staying together for the kids.

What?

Uh, never mind.
Yeah.

Sir, do you have any idea

how it's gonna affect
staff morale

if I cut the snack budget?
Oh, hell,

Dave, if I raised the budget
every time morale got low,

the guys
in my asbestos factory

would be driving solid-gold

Cadillacs by now.

All right, all right.
All right, snacks are gone.

Okay. And I'm sorry,
Dave.

You know I hate
being the bad guy.

I know. it's just
part of your job.

No, it's part of
your job.

Great. So I get to be
the bad guy again.

Okay. Would you rather
have me do it?

Yes.

Too bad. No dice.

What are you
worried about here, son?

Well, I don't know.

I guess, I--
I cut the snacks,

the staff are angry with me.

They go to Bill.

Bill who whips them
into a frenzy.

And because they're weak

and lightheaded
from the lack of snack food,

that frenzy turns into
a full-scale revolt--

Stop it. Will you relax?

You got more
paranoid fantasies

than Stephen King on cr*ck.

These people--

These people love you, Dave.

And none more so than Bill.

What I'm talking about
is a full-scale revolt.

Dave's gone too far
this time.

Imagine an office
without snacks.

Oh, my God. You guys,
I got something.

What is it?

Uh...it's piece of gum
I left in the fridge.

I forgot about it.

A frozen piece
of chewed-up gum...

How long has that
been in there?

[cr*ck]

I would say, like August '95.

People, we should be working,

enjoying the free snacks
provided by our employer.

Not foraging
for frozen morsels,

like the members of some
icebound Brazilian soccer team.

Uh, in England,
they call soccer football.

Good point.

This may come
as a surprise today,

but sl*very was abolished
in this country--

No offense,
Catherine.

Why would I be offended

by sl*very
being abolished?

I don't know. I just
like to cover my bases.

And it's not just the snacks.

I mean...look what's happened
to our smoking lounge.

Oh, that's your
smoking lounge, Bill.

I'm still very against that.

Whatever.
I can remember

when there were comfortable
chairs out there.

Maybe you shouldn't have
stolen the comfortable chairs

for your den at home.

Whatever.

The point is we can't let Dave
get away with this.

Revolution?

Yes. Um...

Oh, I'm--
What am I--?

I mean-- I actually--
I just got here.

What's up,
guys?

Look, Dave is
just doing his job.

So was Genghis Khan.

The Wrath of Khan.

BILL:
Right.

LISA:
All right, I know you guys

are upset, but I think
my personal relationship

with Dave ethically
precludes me

from further involvement
in this conversation.

Sorry.

Aha.
That's what

Captain Kirk
would have said.

What?

I mean, I agree with
you all in principle.

It's just that seeing
as-- As Dave and I-- Do it?

Are romantically--
Doing it?

Sleeping together...

I don't think
I can take either side

in this mini-revolution.
Hm.

Benedict Arnold slept with
George Washington.

Bill, you've really gotta
stop getting your history

from Gore Vidal.

Okay, people, I don't see
what the kings of England

have to do with the fact
that we are virtually gumless.

You know, I just--
I really want--

Save it.
Hey.

Well...

Now that Mata Hari is gone,

what's it going to be, people?

Are we gonna sit here
and do nothing?

Or are we going to
confront Dave

and win back the dignity

and snacks
we so richly deserve?

BETH:
I know what we can do.

We give him a list
of demands,

like those guys
in that movie.

That doesn't work unless
you sh**t a hostage

every hour to let him know
you're serious.

Um, I'm not willing
to do that.

It's better if we pick
one specific issue

and not back down.

Like Custer, we will
make our last stand.

Wasn't Custer massacred?

Big Chief Custer? No.

He k*lled many paleface
that day.

I'll tell you what...

I'm willing to be the one
to lay my ass on the line

and go down to
Pharaoh's Cave

and tell him what's what.

I only ask that
when the time comes,

you all stand behind me.

MATTHEW: Yes.
Well, I never thought

I'd be standing behind you,
Bill, but I'm in.

I'm in.
Yeah, me too.

Me three.

Your show of faith
touches me deeply.

I swear to you,
I will not let you down.

I will not rest

until the revolution
is complete.

Now, if you'll
excuse me...

I have a traffic
and weather update to do.

Uh, Catherine,
I just wanna apologize

for what I said earlier.

So I took the liberty
of installing these.

What are these,
anyway?

TV monitors.

Oh, so I can watch TV
on this.

No. You know
how sometimes

you wanna know
what's in your drawer,

but you don't feel like
opening them?

Well, I put little cameras
in each drawer.

Now, if you want to know
what's in there,

you just look up
at the monitor.

Paper clips.
I have those.

Well, what do you
think, huh?

Useless.

But sweet.

Apology accepted.

Thanks.

And I was thinking,

maybe we could, uh,
get together sometime

and have dinner.

No thanks, Joe.

All right, then we'll just
cut straight to the sex.

Someone pass the salt?

Okay.

I saw this coming.

Bill's organized a bit
of a rebellion, hasn't he?

Now he's gonna burst
out of the booth,

come down here and say...

Dave, speaking on behalf
of the rest of the staff,

I've got to
tell you,

this crisis has reached
its saturation point.

CATHERINE:
That's right.

I completely agree
with you, Bill,

and I intend to keep
fighting this with Mr. James.

Yay. Oh.

We are really fed up

with this kind of treatment,

and we're not going to
let you get away with it.

I just said I agree with you.

We know what you said,
Mr. Company Man.

We're just not going to
buy your jive anymore.

We have certain demands.

That's it.
That's right. Uh-huh.

So Spartacus here
speaks for everyone?

Yes, Dave,
I am Spartacus.

And so is Matthew.
Right, Matthew?

[URGENTLY]
Matthew!

[SIGHS]

I am Spartacus.

BILL:
Beth!

I am "Sparcatus" too.

BILL:
There are certain bare necessities

we require--

Nay, demand.

--in order to
continue functioning

as productive workers.

BETH: That's right.
Such as?

A reclining chair
for our smoking area.

Excuse me?

You heard us.

We demand a fully reclining,

electronic leather
massage chair

for the smoking area.

Okay. And all of you
support him in this?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Well, I'll
consider it.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Yeah.

Man, are you
crazy?

This was supposed to be
about snacks, Bill.

And gum.

We didn't do this
for some stupid chair.

It's symbolic.

Do you think the Pilgrims
really cared

about all the tea

they dumped
into Baltimore Harbor?

He is right, you guys.
He's right.

Well, sir,

are you going to pay
for our chair or not?

Of course not.

Fine.
If you won't pay,

we'll pay for it
ourselves.

Good for you all.
I'll be in my office.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Are you insane?

No. He is.

And we'll make him
even crazier

when we buy
that chair.

Come on, people,
it's only 400 bucks each.

Oh, God, what?
Four hundred dollars?

Bill, if I spend $400
on a chair,

I would have to
eat it.

You can't sell out
the revolution.

A terrible wrong
must be righted.

Man, I just wanted
some Fritos. You're nuts.

You traitors.

Dave is the oppressor.

Havana fell because of
people like you.

I'll pitch in
for the revolution, Bill.

Thank heaven
there's still someone

willing to fight injustice
in this world.

No kidding.
[SIGHS]

Now, let's see...

The chair costs $2,000.

Since there's only
two of us,

that makes
your share $1,200.

No, it-- It should be
a thousand, right?

You'd better get yourself
a calculator, my friend.

Well, anyways, I've only
got 80, so I guess I--

I'll take it.

Yo, Catherine.
Check it out.

I got a new thing for you.

You ready? You're gonna
love it. You ready?

Check this out.

Desk, turn on lamp.

[CHUCKLES]

Pretty cool, huh? Huh?

But wait, there's more.

Ready for this?

Desk, open drawers.

Is that cool?

Is that cool?
Is that cool?

Okay. Yeah, that's cool.
Huh?

Yeah, that is.
Okay, that is actually cool.

Yeah.
Pretty cool? [LAUGHS]

And this thing will
open all the drawers?

All of them, except the ones
you're wearing, unfortunately.

She digs me.

What? What are you doing?
What's going on?

What? What?
Joe, sit down.

[SIGHS]

Joe, if you like
Catherine,

why don't you
just tell her?

I am, in my own way.

Can you just--?

Can you think
of something more simple

and honest to say?

I thought I was.
No, why don't you just say:

"Catherine, I think
you're really special,

and I want to spend
some time with you."

Okay, that sounds like
a Barry White album,

but the thing
is--

Do you get
Lisa's point?

"I'd like to spend
some time with you"?

Yeah.
Are you kidding me?

If my buddies
heard me say that,

I'd never hear the end of it.
Your buddies aren't here.

That must be what's
throwing me off.

Because I've never really
hit on a girl

without my buddies around.
Right.

The other thing is,
it's not just what you say,

or the words or anything,

it's how you
treat a woman.

I treat them great.

You know how many girls
I've hooked up with free cable?

Free cable, no charge,
all right.

Fix their stereo,
rewire their car...

I mean, a lot of ladies
dig a guy

who knows how to use
a set of alligator clamps.

Who told you about that?
LISA: What?

What?
What? What did he say?

What are you talking about?
No. I'll tell you--

I'll tell you later.
Okay.

So you guys think
I have a sh*t?

LISA & BETH:
No.

So why are you
trying to help me out?

I don't know, Joe.
I guess we care about you.

That's true.

Well, if you cared
about me,

then you'd really
help me out.

[CLEARS THROAT]
What?

Oh, right.

Thank you, boys.
Here you go.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Here it is,

The personal shiatsu
massager chair.

Observe.

It can pinpoint
any part of the back.

It can seek out and soothe

over 16 tension-easing
pressure points.

It has shiatsu mode.

Swedish mode.

And...

weekend in Thailand.

Ho-ho-ha.

Oh, yeah.
That looks like fun.

That looks
like fun.

Can I try?

I'm glad you asked,
Catherine,

because, no.

None of you ingrates
will ever set butt

in this chair.

So get out!

Go back to your non-smoking
area, you traitors.

You can sit on the floor,
for all I care.

Bill, it is
completely--

Begone!

[LAUGHS]

Mm.

Ah...

The two most exquisite pleasures
known to modern man...

Tobacco and whatever it is

this thing is doing
to my pelvis.

Bill, you know,
I was, uh...

I was faithful
to the revolution, right?

Yes, you were.

So I get to sit
in the chair, right?

No, you can't.

It can be dangerous
for the uninitiated.

I think you better watch me
for a while first. Oh.

That's
a good idea.

So, what's it like?

I can't even tell you.
You're not ready.

Well, we sure showed Dave
though, didn't we?

Next we're gonna force him

to give us back
those free snacks, huh?

What?

Free snacks.

I'm not hungry
right now, thanks.

Now,

partial ownership of the chair

carries with it
certain responsibilities.

For example,
you'll have to guard it

when I'm not sitting in it.

To make sure
no one else uses it.

Oh, can do, can do.

Oh, when I'm guarding it,
then--

I ca-- I can sit in it then,
right?

[CHAIR HUMMING]

I mean--

I'll be the--
Oh, Bill?

[SNORING]

Hm.

DAVE:
Well, sir...

Yeah.
As I predicted,

we have something
of a mutiny on our hands.

Oh, yeah. You are completely
under siege.

It's like that guy
in that, uh-- That movie.

What's it called?

Under Siege?
No.

Under Siege 2?
Uh-uh.

Under Siege 3?

That's the one.

You know, I don't think
they made Under Siege 3.

Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Look, I think what
these people really need

is some free snacks.

Yeah, I thought you said
it was important

that ducks not bail out
hunchbacks.

I swear to God, I have no idea
what he's talking about.

Me neither.

Well, then let me distill
my thesis to its essence:

I told you so.
I told you so.

I told you so.
Okay. Okay.

That is beside the point.

What is important now is that,
you know,

I go give these people
their snacks back.

No-- No you don't.
What?

No, I am gonna give
them back their snacks.

LISA:
He's right, Mr. James.

I mean, everybody
hates Dave now,

and if you waltz in--
What?

Figure of speech.

And if you
waltz in there

like some kind
of snack hero,

they're just gonna love you
and hate him even more. Yeah.

Hate's an
exaggeration, right?

Okay, fine.
DAVE: I mean, for me.

Fine, fine. You want me to be
the hard-ass? That's fine.

You know,
for this time--

This time only,
you can be the hero,

and I'll pretend to be
the bad guy.

No, you are the bad guy.

It's wonderful
when perception

meets reality,
isn't it?

Beth, call
a staff meeting.

Sound good to you?

Oh, sir, despite
my earlier remarks,

I really cannot get involved.

The ethical dilemmas
in general--

Thanks, college.
No one really cares.

Let's go.

All right,
um...

I know that everyone
is upset

about losing
the free snacks.

So I've called
this meeting

so we can talk to Mr. James
directly about it.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Okay, but...

Uh, I'm gonna
warn you...

[ACTING ANGRY]
I'm gonna be a real hard-ass about this, Dave.

Sir, I-I really do think
we should increase the budget

so that we can provide
free snacks for the staff.

[ACTING ANGRY]
No! No way! You are insane!

Sir...

I really do believe
that they deserve--

Uh-uh! Forget it, buddy!
I am out of here!

[SLAMS DOOR]

Excuse me.

So how was I?

You were great.

It's the pictures
that got small.

Think I ought to
tone it down a little, huh?

Yeah.
Okay. All right.

Now, you-- You ready?
Yeah.

No, wait. Hold on.
What? What? What?

What's wrong?
I'm getting my character.

Okay, I got it.
Let's go.

[EXAGGERATING]
Jesus, Dave! You didn't have to be so rough

with me in there, gosh.

BETH:
Dave,

did you hit
Mr. James?

CATHERINE:
Jimmy, are you all right?

Look, no, I did not
hit Mr. James.

I just made
my point clearer.

[EXAGGERATING]
So you're really making a stand on this thing, Dave?

Yes, sir. I believe
my staff deserves it.

Okay, then...

You win.

Snacks for everybody.

And gum too.

No way!

Now, sir--

[ACTING SCARED]
Okay! Okay! Gum too!

Dave.
Dave.

[MURMURING]

Well, Dave,
it's all good fun

for you to play
the hero.

What, with your little
snack thing and all.

But I have an announcement

that will really
make people happy.

I've decided to
let all of you

sit in
my massage chair.

Bill.

Bill. Bill.
Bill.

Now, I've drawn up
a chair-sitting schedule,

so if any of you
would like

to choose
your 10-minute slots, and...

Hey, come back here!

[MOANING]
[GIGGLING]

Be careful
with her.

[POPPING]

[GASPS]

[ECHOING]
No!

Get away
from my desk.

And get all this crap
off here.

I don't want you touching
my desk ever again.

You got it?

I have had it
with you, Joe.

[SIGHS]

ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Catherine?

Who's that?

Your desk.

And what do you want?

Joe likes you.

[LAUGHS]

Ah!

That is the saddest pickup
artist I have ever seen.

I know. I tried to coach him,
but it didn't do any good.

No?

I'll just try to
give him the hint,

he should give up.

Well, I didn't say that.

Oh, my God.
You like him.

[LAUGHS]

You love him.

[GIGGLES]

You lo-o-ove...

[LAUGHS]

DESK:
Beth?

Yeah.

Leave Catherine alone.

[WHINES]

We got Swedish mode,
shiatsu mode,

and, of course,
Batmobile mode.

[LAUGHS]

Mm-hm.

MAN:
Cut.

MAN 2:
Perfect. You got it.

MAN 1:
Can we try it again, please?

JOE:
That was tight, man.